Latest / Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss / Bre's story of stillbirths, miscarriages, secondary infertility, considering adoption and a rainbow baby

Transcript

Bre's story of stillbirths, miscarriages, secondary infertility, considering adoption and a rainbow baby · Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss

• 0:11
  Cry It out loud a podcast, by chasing the rainbows with your
• 0:19
  host Bernice Quisenberry. This week's episode is called
• 0:31
  Bree's Reoccurring Losses, Secondary Infertility, Adoption,
• 0:35
  and Rainbow Baby. Hey everyone, this is Bree from
• 0:38
  the Bree and B segment. I am flying solo today, so I
• 0:43
  have this awesome opportunity to share with you my personal
• 0:47
  journey. It's a journey filled with a lot
• 0:51
  of loss, a lot of hope, a lot of love.
• 0:56
  And it really at the center of all that is a focus on my
• 1:00
  relationship with God and how that has strengthened over the
• 1:04
  years as I went through my losses.
• 1:06
  So again, this is a personal journey.
• 1:09
  I am here today not as part of Chasing the Rainbows, but with
• 1:14
  you as a survivor. A survivor just like you guys
• 1:18
  and I just, you know, a little disclaimer.
• 1:21
  Chasing the Rainbows is not a religious affiliated
• 1:24
  organization. Chasing the Rainbows accepts
• 1:27
  everyone who's grieving, infertility, miscarriage, still
• 1:30
  birth and infant loss. All survivors grief journeys are
• 1:34
  different. We know that their beliefs are
• 1:37
  different. But my hope for you is that you
• 1:41
  find a connection to some part of my story.
• 1:44
  Even if it's you know, all of our stories are so different.
• 1:46
  But even if you can take away some small piece of my journey
• 1:52
  and feel connected to that, that's my hope today.
• 1:57
  Like I said, it's a journey of faith really at the core of it,
• 2:01
  and I'm excited to share it with you.
• 2:03
  I have in the past alluded to the fact that I have done
• 2:08
  speaking engagements about my testimony.
• 2:12
  I have a testimony written out that I have worked on and I
• 2:17
  would love to read that to you today.
• 2:20
  So I'm going to go ahead and do that again.
• 2:23
  Thanks for listening and I hope you find some encouragement in
• 2:26
  my story. So we'll start at the beginning.
• 2:29
  Going back to my history, I grew up going to church.
• 2:33
  I regularly attended church. I was involved in youth group.
• 2:37
  Overall, I was a great kid who loved Jesus.
• 2:40
  On the outside, things were going great and I thought I was
• 2:43
  doing religion well. But if I was being honest, my
• 2:46
  religion was very surface level and it wasn't until I
• 2:50
  experienced all these trials I'm about to speak about that.
• 2:55
  My faith roots really began to dig down deep and my
• 2:58
  relationship with Jesus soared to new levels.
• 3:01
  So my husband and I had our first daughter, which I've
• 3:04
  spoken about many times here on the podcast on December 26th,
• 3:09
  2009. Her name is Ella.
• 3:12
  The pregnancy, The pregnancy with Ella went so smooth there
• 3:16
  was not even a thought that I could possibly miscarry her.
• 3:20
  It was a very carefree pregnancy at this point in our lives.
• 3:23
  My little family attended church mostly just on Easter and
• 3:26
  Christmas, but occasionally on a random Sunday if we could
• 3:30
  squeeze it into our schedule. Somehow that seemed acceptable
• 3:33
  to me at the time, but what I didn't know was that God wanted
• 3:37
  me. Yes imperfect me, to go even
• 3:40
  deeper with him. He wasn't OK with my surface
• 3:43
  level religion and he knew that I deserved better and so began
• 3:48
  the great work he began to do in my life.
• 3:52
  So shortly after Ella turned 3 I became pregnant again and we
• 3:56
  were so excited. However, our joy abruptly ended
• 4:01
  at our nine week ultrasound when we discovered that our pregnancy
• 4:04
  was a blighted ovum, which is when the SAC forms but the baby
• 4:09
  never grows. So we were shocked, obviously
• 4:13
  devastated. Everything had gone so well with
• 4:16
  Ella, so we couldn't believe that something like that could
• 4:19
  happen to us. But we quickly decided that we
• 4:22
  wanted to start trying again. Six months later, it finally
• 4:26
  happened. 2 blue lines. We were really excited.
• 4:30
  But this time, unfortunately, my carefree outlook on pregnancy
• 4:33
  was tainted. So I was cautiously optimistic
• 4:38
  at our nine week appointment. Our ultrasound.
• 4:41
  My cautious optimism turned to pure joy as I saw the flicker of
• 4:45
  my sweet baby's heart fluttering away inside my womb.
• 4:49
  Finally, the baby we've been hoping for and trying for was
• 4:53
  actually going to happen. My pregnancy progressed well and
• 4:56
  despite some morning sickness, I felt wonderful.
• 5:00
  On December 16th, 2013, I was at an OB appointment.
• 5:05
  It was just a routine appointment and the nurse pulled
• 5:08
  out the Doppler machine to listen to my baby's heartbeat.
• 5:12
  I remember feeling really excited to hear it.
• 5:14
  I even had my phone out because I wanted to record it since my
• 5:18
  husband couldn't be there with me in the office.
• 5:21
  But as the nurse scanned my stomach for the heartbeat, I
• 5:24
  slowly began to panic because she couldn't find it.
• 5:28
  She assured me that this could be normal since I was only 16
• 5:32
  weeks at this point and the baby could be in a position that just
• 5:35
  didn't allow the Doppler to pick up the heartbeat.
• 5:38
  I smiled at her, but I deep down I kind of knew something wasn't
• 5:41
  right. They immediately ushered me down
• 5:44
  the hall to the ultrasound room. As I was laying there, I
• 5:48
  remember intently watching the tech's face, waiting for her to
• 5:52
  smile and tell me the baby's fine, but the smile never came.
• 5:59
  I'll never forget the look on her face as she silently scanned
• 6:02
  my belly. The silence was torture.
• 6:07
  Finally she looked at me. She put down the ultrasound
• 6:10
  probe and she told me the doctor would be right in Seconds Later,
• 6:16
  the doctor walked in and said I'm sorry, Brianna, the baby has
• 6:19
  passed away and I think I went into shock.
• 6:23
  I felt paralyzed. I just sat there in silence,
• 6:26
  motionless, for several minutes. They asked me if I wanted to
• 6:30
  call my husband, but I couldn't speak.
• 6:33
  How was I going to tell him this?
• 6:36
  He eventually I found the strength to call him.
• 6:38
  He drove out to meet me and to be by my side as I was induced.
• 6:43
  At approximately 5:00 PM on December 17th, I gave birth to a
• 6:49
  beautiful little boy we named Landon.
• 6:51
  We welcomed him into this world and had to say goodbye to him
• 6:54
  all at the same time. Landon was born still, and at
• 6:58
  that moment my world also stood still.
• 7:02
  Going through labor and giving birth to a son I knew I would
• 7:05
  never be able to bring home left me physically, mentally, and
• 7:09
  emotionally drained. In my small mindedness, I didn't
• 7:12
  understand why God was allowing this to happen.
• 7:17
  But God sees things that we can't see.
• 7:21
  He orchestrates things that we know nothing about, and it's
• 7:24
  always for our good need to trust Him in all circumstances,
• 7:28
  whether good or bad. When we got home from the
• 7:32
  hospital later that night, I remember collapsing on the
• 7:36
  bathroom floor, feeling completely broken as I hit my
• 7:41
  knees. I begged God to take this pain
• 7:44
  away. It was just too much to bear on
• 7:46
  my own. In that moment, I completely
• 7:51
  surrendered myself to Jesus. What else was I going to do?
• 7:55
  My husband literally had to pick me up off the bathroom floor and
• 7:58
  carry me to bed. Something changed in me that
• 8:01
  day. I always say it was the worst
• 8:04
  day of my life, but it also turned out to be the best day of
• 8:09
  my life because that awful night was the day I recommitted myself
• 8:15
  to God and the desire to know him more became a new focus in
• 8:19
  my life. We began to attend church
• 8:22
  regularly, and for the next two years I experienced God's
• 8:25
  Amazing Grace in all aspects of my life.
• 8:29
  I began to grow deeper into a relationship with him, and it
• 8:32
  became very evident that his grace and peace were the only
• 8:37
  things keeping me from spiraling into a deep depression.
• 8:41
  As I continue to mourn the loss of our son Landon.
• 8:44
  Landon's death brought me back to God, and there's no earthly
• 8:47
  joy that could ever compare to my salvation.
• 8:51
  Over the next year, we went on to experience two additional
• 8:54
  pregnancy losses that were all they were both in the first
• 8:58
  trimester. With each pregnancy came
• 9:02
  emotional whiplash, which I'm sure many of you can understand.
• 9:07
  We would have a brief period of excitement followed by anxiety,
• 9:11
  anxiety, and ultimately when the pregnancies ended,
• 9:14
  disappointment and sadness. We stopped sharing the news of
• 9:17
  our pregnancies with family and friends, including our daughter,
• 9:21
  because the pain of having to tell everyone we lost the baby a
• 9:24
  few weeks later just became too exhausting.
• 9:29
  My doctors decided to run some tests to see if there was an A
• 9:32
  physical explanation for our losses.
• 9:35
  It was discovered that I had a fibroid that had formed in my
• 9:38
  uterus and was causing my pregnancies to end once the baby
• 9:43
  got so big because there wasn't enough room for it to grow.
• 9:47
  So back on February 11th, 2015, I ended up having surgery to
• 9:51
  remove that fibroid. According to the doctor, it was
• 9:54
  the biggest fibroid he had ever seen and literally caused my
• 9:58
  uterus to be divided into two chambers.
• 10:02
  The surgery was a success and for once we had hope that the
• 10:06
  problem was fixed and we could finally have the baby we've been
• 10:10
  dreaming about. A few weeks after the surgery,
• 10:13
  we were pregnant again. Finally, we were pregnant again.
• 10:17
  This was definitely going to happen.
• 10:19
  This time we were so excited because we fixed the reason why
• 10:22
  I kept losing the babies. Well, our great hopes were
• 10:26
  dashed around week 9 when we once again lost our little one.
• 10:30
  We convinced ourselves that perhaps it was just too soon
• 10:34
  after surgery and just I haven't healed yet, but we decided to
• 10:38
  keep on trying. Four months later, 2 blue lines,
• 10:44
  9 weeks passed, then 12, then 17.
• 10:47
  We were so excited and we finally felt that we were far
• 10:51
  enough along that we could share the exciting news with our
• 10:53
  daughter Ella. It was a Thursday afternoon and
• 10:57
  I went to the store, bought a bunch of balloons, shoved them
• 11:00
  into a box and I recorded our daughter opening the box as pink
• 11:04
  balloons filled the air around her.
• 11:06
  She was so excited and you can feel it in the air that it was
• 11:10
  palpable. She Ella had been praying for a
• 11:12
  sibling for so long and so she was super duper excited.
• 11:17
  Four days later on January 11th, 2016, I went in for my 18 week
• 11:24
  checkup. As they scanned my belly with a
• 11:27
  Doppler, my stomach began to go into my throat.
• 11:31
  As they scanned and scanned for what felt like an eternity, the
• 11:35
  doctor finally stopped and said she wanted me to get an
• 11:38
  ultrasound. She assured me that at 18 weeks
• 11:42
  this could be completely normal not to find a heartbeat with a
• 11:45
  Doppler, but I've heard that before.
• 11:48
  My heart knew otherwise than I already knew.
• 11:53
  Sorry. As the tech began to scan my
• 11:58
  belly, I looked at the screen. At this point, I'd become an
• 12:04
  expert at interpreting ultrasounds because I've had so
• 12:07
  many. She hovered over the heart and
• 12:10
  it didn't move. This is a joke, right?
• 12:13
  That's all I could think about. I physically, mentally and
• 12:16
  emotionally could not do this again.
• 12:19
  We just told Ella. My first reaction was how am I
• 12:23
  going to tell my husband and my daughter?
• 12:26
  On January 12th, 2016, I delivered our stillborn
• 12:30
  daughter, Emma. When I delivered her, the doctor
• 12:34
  guessed out loud. The cord was wrapped around her
• 12:38
  neck three times. We all took turns holding Emma,
• 12:43
  including our daughter Ella. I'll never forget when it was
• 12:46
  time to leave the hospital. It was all packed up and my
• 12:50
  husband had gone out to the car. Emma was laying there in the
• 12:53
  bassinet next to the bed and it was just her and I in the room.
• 12:59
  I can close my eyes and still see her laying there.
• 13:04
  I remember physically not being able to leave the room.
• 13:08
  I didn't want to leave her. I knew she wasn't there, but I
• 13:12
  couldn't bring myself to leave her in that room all alone.
• 13:16
  And the nurse came in and she quickly picked up on my
• 13:19
  struggle. She asked if it was OK to hold
• 13:22
  Emma so I could leave. I agreed.
• 13:24
  As I was wheeled out of the room, I looked back to see the
• 13:29
  nurse holding Emma, praying over her and singing to her, and I
• 13:35
  was able to leave the room. I'll never forget that nurse and
• 13:39
  how she helped me in that moment with the loss of Emma.
• 13:45
  Something was different this time though.
• 13:47
  I was completely devastated, yes, but this time I had hope.
• 13:52
  I knew I would be OK. God had gotten me through this
• 13:56
  nightmare before, and I knew he would carry me through it again.
• 14:00
  Despite my tears and my sadness, I still had joy.
• 14:04
  As crazy as that sounds. But if you know my Jesus, you
• 14:09
  know that's not crazy at all. Through the loss of our daughter
• 14:12
  Emma, I learned that there's a huge difference between being
• 14:16
  happy and having joy that only God can provide.
• 14:20
  I'm living proof that you can be sad but still be joyful.
• 14:26
  I've learned that joy does not depend on my circumstances, but
• 14:29
  it's eternal and it's something that no hardship could ever take
• 14:32
  away from me. Something in me told me to keep
• 14:36
  trying. I can't explain it, but I just
• 14:40
  knew we were meant to have another child.
• 14:42
  Everyone thought we were crazy for wanting to keep trying.
• 14:46
  Haven't we endured enough people would ask us?
• 14:49
  Why would you want to keep doing that to yourselves?
• 14:52
  Because we had hope, and hope makes suffering bearable during
• 14:58
  the next year, we struggled with infertility.
• 15:01
  The doctors convinced me that fertility treatments were the
• 15:03
  way to go. So for months I went through
• 15:06
  dozens of blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, tears,
• 15:10
  and our entire savings account. All the treatments were
• 15:14
  unsuccessful. Meanwhile, I struggled with
• 15:17
  thoughts of jealousy. Have you ever wanted something
• 15:20
  so bad and had to sit back as your desire was granted to
• 15:23
  everyone around you except for you?
• 15:27
  A promotion given to someone else but not you?
• 15:29
  Health restored but not yours. Financial security while you're
• 15:33
  continuing to struggle? Freedom to leave.
• 15:36
  An abusive relationship but you can't.
• 15:39
  A baby to hold but not for you. Jealousy that forms from an
• 15:44
  outsider's situation is a slippery road to go down because
• 15:48
  those thoughts are not of God. Who are we to question the
• 15:51
  blessings God allows? Easier said than done, right?
• 15:56
  I struggled with jealousy for a very long time.
• 15:58
  It seemed everyone I knew was getting pregnant.
• 16:02
  Some were even trying to get pregnant and poof pregnant.
• 16:05
  Are you kidding me? My jealous thoughts often
• 16:08
  consumed me until I stumbled across Romans 1215.
• 16:13
  Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn.
• 16:17
  This verse took my breath away when I read it because I knew
• 16:19
  God was speaking to me and the jealousy I was feeling.
• 16:23
  This verse reminded me that every new life is beautiful and
• 16:27
  I should be celebrating these new lives, not being bitter and
• 16:30
  jealous of what I didn't have. I repeated this verse in my head
• 16:34
  anytime I was struck with thoughts of jealousy, which at
• 16:38
  this point was daily. After a year of trying, which
• 16:42
  let me just say is very hard on a marriage, we decided to stop
• 16:48
  trying. God intended sex to be a
• 16:50
  beautiful connection between husband and wife, but for us it
• 16:54
  turned into a perfectly timed chore.
• 16:57
  The emotional and physical toll the last four years was
• 17:01
  difficult for both my myself and my incredible husband.
• 17:06
  Talk about a patient, caring, and supportive man.
• 17:09
  Anyway, we still felt that God was calling us to be parents
• 17:12
  again, but we began to think that maybe God was calling us
• 17:15
  down a different path, a path of adoption.
• 17:18
  We went to some informational meetings about fostering with
• 17:21
  the intent to adopt, but both of us left that session feeling
• 17:25
  like it just wasn't right for our family.
• 17:28
  It was really struggling at this point.
• 17:30
  How could I feel so strongly that our family wasn't complete
• 17:34
  yet? I couldn't get pregnant and
• 17:36
  adoption didn't feel like the right path for us once again,
• 17:41
  and for once, I completely relinquished control and asked
• 17:46
  God to lead us. I completely surrendered and
• 17:50
  stopped trying to figure out what God's plan was for our
• 17:53
  family, and instead I just let God take control and allowed him
• 17:58
  to take the lead. It actually felt really great.
• 18:02
  It felt great to not be in control and knowing that God was
• 18:05
  before me and I didn't need to worry about what would happen to
• 18:08
  me next because it was already planned.
• 18:11
  There's such freedom in giving up control.
• 18:14
  After I surrendered my ways and gave up control to God, a few
• 18:19
  short weeks later, I was pregnant.
• 18:22
  No trying, no planning involved, just God's perfect timing.
• 18:28
  Although the pregnancy was going well, it wasn't without its
• 18:31
  challenges. Although I was a changed person
• 18:35
  at this point, I was still very struck with such fear during my
• 18:40
  pregnancy, the entire pregnancy, at every appointment, I would
• 18:45
  hold my breath. I'd make myself physically I'll
• 18:48
  because I was just waiting for the ball to drop.
• 18:52
  I regret this now, but during my pregnancy I built an emotional
• 18:58
  wall so high that I intentionally never connected
• 19:03
  with my baby. If I didn't connect with her,
• 19:06
  then losing her wouldn't be so painful.
• 19:10
  I also hid my pregnancy from everyone, including some family,
• 19:14
  friends, and even our daughter. When I began to show, I wore
• 19:18
  baggy clothes and dodged people at the store so they wouldn't
• 19:21
  see me. I didn't want anyone to know
• 19:24
  because then once I lost the baby, I wouldn't have to tell
• 19:28
  everyone what happened after one of my appointments later on.
• 19:32
  And once Ella knew I was pregnant, I remember her asking
• 19:36
  me, mommy, when is this baby going to die?
• 19:44
  As a mom, that's a really hard one to digest.
• 19:48
  I just sobbed because my daughter didn't know any
• 19:51
  different. She thought it was normal for
• 19:55
  mommy to get pregnant and the baby to die, because that's what
• 19:57
  just always happened. Then one day I came across a
• 20:04
  verse that helped control my fear.
• 20:06
  Psalm 112, Seven. They will have No Fear of bad
• 20:10
  news. Their hearts are steadfast
• 20:13
  trusting in the Lord. Before and during every
• 20:17
  appointment. I would repeat this verse over
• 20:19
  and over and over in my head. I still do to this day.
• 20:23
  When I'm struck with fear, it calmed me.
• 20:25
  It grounded me. It kept me from going completely
• 20:29
  insane from the fear. Another thing I struggled with
• 20:33
  was guilt. I felt really guilty for being
• 20:35
  pregnant over the past five years.
• 20:38
  My eyes were opened to the immense pain of infertility and
• 20:41
  pregnancy loss. I know how hard it was to be
• 20:44
  walking down that road and struggle not to be jealous of
• 20:48
  others who are pregnant. I felt guilty because I knew
• 20:51
  that my pregnancy would be the reason someone else would feel
• 20:56
  jealous, angry, and resentful by the grace of God.
• 21:01
  On December 22nd, 2017, I gave birth to a perfect and beautiful
• 21:08
  little girl. Her name is Claire and she's our
• 21:11
  miracle. Claire was perfectly formed in
• 21:14
  my womb and given to us at just the right time.
• 21:18
  Psalm 1391314 states. For you created my inmost being.
• 21:24
  You knit me together in my mother's womb.
• 21:26
  I praise you because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.
• 21:30
  Your works are wonderful. I know that full well.
• 21:34
  I knew that full well. And guess who her nurse was?
• 21:39
  You're not even gonna guess? I'm not kidding you.
• 21:41
  It was the same nurse who held Emma so I could find the
• 21:47
  strength to leave that room after I delivered her.
• 21:50
  It was unbelievable. When she walked into the room
• 21:53
  and I was there with Claire. I started bawling the moment she
• 21:58
  walked in. She probably thought I was a
• 22:00
  lunatic at first, but after I explained to myself, we hugged
• 22:04
  and cried because she remembered that day too.
• 22:08
  It was a full circle moment, and it was the kind of moment that
• 22:11
  only God could have orchestrated.
• 22:14
  Do I wish I could have Landon, Emma, and our other four
• 22:17
  children here in my arms right now?
• 22:20
  Absolutely every second of every day I long to hold them.
• 22:27
  Would I change what happened? I wouldn't.
• 22:30
  God has used my trials and transformed them into blessings.
• 22:35
  Landon's death brought me back to God and there's no earthly
• 22:37
  joy that could ever compare to my salvation.
• 22:41
  Through Emma's death, I experienced true joy despite my
• 22:45
  grief. Through this journey, God taught
• 22:48
  me to be content through life's ups and downs and to wait
• 22:52
  patiently on him. Instead of trying to orchestrate
• 22:56
  my life events, I learned to let go of that control and trust
• 23:00
  that God's plan and timing are perfect.
• 23:04
  All along I was being shaped and molded in preparation for when
• 23:08
  the time was just right. During this valley, I changed.
• 23:14
  I changed in all aspects, including my controlling ways.
• 23:18
  My whole world revolved around trying to have another baby.
• 23:22
  I was so focused on that desire when all along, God wanted me to
• 23:27
  desire Him above all else. Instead of praying for my own
• 23:31
  selfish desires, I began praying for God to work in and through
• 23:36
  me so that I might draw closer to Him and know His will for my
• 23:41
  life in a more intimate way. I began to bear fruits that I've
• 23:45
  never worn before, and my world was changed when I simply
• 23:48
  focused on strengthening my relationship with Jesus and less
• 23:52
  on asking for what I thought I needed.
• 23:55
  I wanted a baby, and God gave me grace.
• 24:00
  I wanted a baby. God gave me hope, I wanted a
• 24:04
  baby, and God gave me peace. I wanted a baby and God gave me
• 24:11
  joy that surpasses all understanding.
• 24:16
  Friends, if you aren't getting what you want, what you're
• 24:19
  praying for, turn to God and make him the desire of your
• 24:23
  heart and you'll be provided with everything you need.
• 24:28
  God's the Most high and ever knowing.
• 24:30
  He knows what we need and He's always with us.
• 24:33
  He never leaves us, even in the valleys.
• 24:37
  Especially in the valleys. Friends, I'm so thankful that
• 24:41
  you tuned in today to listen to my story, my testimony as a very
• 24:45
  personal story for me, one I've shared a lot, but I have not
• 24:50
  shared that yet, and I am thankful for the opportunity to
• 24:54
  do so. I pray that, you know, if you
• 24:57
  can't connect with all of my story, you can at least connect
• 25:00
  with a piece of it and find hope in that.
• 25:04
  And please know that we are always with you.
• 25:08
  Fertility loss, infant loss and baby loss survivors, thank you
• 25:12
  for listening. Until next time.