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Episode 357: Wanting What You Have (Gratitude Thanksgiving Special) · The Growth Project

• 0:00
  You.
• 0:03
  Welcome to the Growth Project, a podcast brought to you by AMP. Excited to be here in the studio. We are, focused on and celebrating a significant week here. We've got Doctor Gabby, myself and Doctor Milt over there.
• 0:18
  So, doctor. Milt. Doctor. Milt, why is this a significant week that we are going to be discussing today on the growth project?
• 0:27
  So to us. Right. Thanksgiving. Big day tomorrow. And I think we like to kind of laugh about this week.
• 0:33
  About gratitude that it's amateur hour. Amateur week for gratitude is is the one time of the year that everybody universally, at least in America, thinks about getting gratitude and how can we show things and give thanks? And so while we kind of call an amateur hour because the research is pretty overwhelming, those who have a daily, attitude of gratitude, a daily habit of being grateful and gracious, perform better, have better relationships, sleep better, and all these benefits of gratitude.
• 1:02
  And so we think this is an important time of year to not only reflect, as we don't want to take it away from Thanksgiving, but we hope this is a kickstart to something else in your life. And you start practicing this on a consistent basis and incorporate this into helping you be better and pursue better. Yeah, and just to be clear, like we hope you are sitting around your Thanksgiving table tomorrow reflecting on the things you're great.
• 1:24
  We will be to hopefully. And so it's not to diminish that at all, but it is, I think, a great way to begin thinking about, okay, how could this be alive in my life beyond just this week or beyond this day? Because, Gabby, I think it'd be great. I mean, there's a lot of science out there that really reinforces why this is important, right?
• 1:43
  Right, absolutely. I think one of the biggest pieces is what Mel touched on the the positive emotions you experience because of gratitude. The broaden and build theory, where when we experience positive emotions, we open our minds to possibilities. And what we preach here is that growth mindset. How do we continue to strive to be better, pursue better?
• 2:08
  It's through experiencing positive emotions and positive experiences. Yeah, I think with that, one of the things we try to also help people is become more self-aware of when are they at their best, what is their what are their brains open to possibilities? What do they find themselves dreaming a little bit about the future? What are they curious about?
• 2:28
  The opportunities in front of them? What do they wake up each day with? Anticipation and excitement, not fear. Dread. And I know in my life I'm a lot better when I have a a mindset and a heart from gratitude. When I'm grateful for what I have and who I have in my life, then my brain has a different outlook on the day.
• 2:46
  And and if you pay attention, I guess most of our listeners feel the same way. And so that's what we want to make you mindful of. Like what are you at your best? What are your brain open to those possibilities? What is it? What is positive emotions? How do they how do you create them and what do they do for you.
• 3:03
  And then how do we practice those on a consistent basis? Yeah. So let's let's touch on let's consolidate some research here as we get into it. And I think it's a great place an important place to start. And I'll share a quick story that, several years ago we were at a meeting doing some leadership development training and part of the what one of the things we touched on, not the only thing by any means, was we got into some of this gratitude stuff, and I had someone come up to me afterwards and essentially said, hey, this is great for some people, but I don't really get into this.
• 3:37
  And he said the word, the Kumbaya stuff. Specifically, you know, specifically kind of like attaching that to the gratitude piece. And I was like, okay, okay, well, hey, fair enough. You know, we never hopefully are we never mind any feedback. But unfortunately, I think what he had missed in that session was none of this is like, hey, here's a suggestion.
• 4:00
  This is my opinion and here's what I think type stuff like this is we have done a lot of studies on this, not we person amp, but people smarter than us out there that are studying this extensively. And the science is clear of all the differences. This can make in your life. So Gabby, what are some of the specific, examples in in ways this can show up in your life?
• 4:22
  If you are consistently practicing gratitude? Well, I think first is, you know, the different time points in the day. There's some research to show the benefits differ in regard to that. And when you do morning gratitude practices, we see improved energy, increased productivity throughout the day. More effort being expended. Whereas if you practice gratitude in the evenings, at night, it can quiet the mind.
• 4:47
  It can help you sleep, improve your immune health and overall, doesn't matter when you practice it, you're going to see benefits in terms of your relationships, being, more fulfilled and more happy within interpersonal dynamics. So, I mean, just who would be into that? Yeah, that that's right. I'll sign up for that.
• 5:08
  it's it's incredible.
• 5:10
  You know, you take one example that takes stress, stress alleviation. So many people are trying to figure out how to do that. And they're spending tons of money. They're exhausting time. They're they're you know, they're worried about they can't figure this out. And so to think that there's low hanging fruit out there simply in the form of like gratitude practices, that only requires, frankly, like, your time and your thoughtfulness doesn't even require any money, doesn't require you to go see your doctor.
• 5:38
  So it's incredible to think the power that's out there for us, if we just engage in some of these things with consistency and consistency is the key. Yeah. How many people have you recommended right now? Three things you're thankful for each day. And they start off in like 2 or 3, four days. They start feeling a little bit and they quit doing it.
• 5:53
  Yeah, that's right. And and how quick we are in America to run to a pill, to run to something else, to run to a book instead of saying, this is such a simple process and the research and positive psychology suggests that if you just write down three things or thing before each day, your brain changes the neural pathway in the brain.
• 6:10
  You start looking for the good instead of looking for the bad. Just 21 days or 19 days, whatever. Phone ache or research, suggested 19 days of gratitude. Three things you're thankful for specifically that day. The brain. They see functional changes in the brain's makeup, but we don't want to do it. Not willing to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 6:33
  To change the habits that we've created. So what I love about that research is you did mention better relationships for the most part. Those were all for me. So so gratitude in that that piece, benefit me, improve my performance, improve my mindset, improve my outlook, the benefits of gratitude, of being grateful and gracious. What does that impact on relationships?
• 6:55
  True. What what kind of impact does gratitude have on our relationships? Relational health. Well, I think one of the clear things that does is you show up two relationships in a better place to value the other person well, care about the other person will not make it about you. And those are certainly ingredients that make relationships healthier typically.
• 7:12
  So I think what it you know, if you're showing up to a relationship with a mindfulness of me and like, I'm thankful for this person and thankful for the opportunity to be in this place with this person, I mean, especially like I think all of us and probably many of our listeners, there are there's more than one person in our life that you can't show up and have a conversation with them for, you know, you've lost parents or whatever it might be.
• 7:32
  So I think when you walk up to that relationship with already, kind of your starting line is a place of gratitude. Everything goes better and just neuro the neurochemistry behind it. Gabby. And so when I show for the heart gratitude. What what, neurotransmitter are we producing there? It's oxytocin. Yeah, which is the bonding.
• 7:51
  And and you're talking about stress.
• 7:53
  Cortisol is a stress hormone. And one of the things we talk about stress only makes you selfish. So I show up in that relationship when I'm under stress thinking about me and the threats to me. But stress also creates separation. And so oxytocin, one of the ways I produce is that, which helps us connect as human beings is gratitude and being grateful and gracious for the people in my life.
• 8:15
  Yeah. So the I mean, the benefits are huge, tremendous. And then I think the other thing that would be good to kind of note for us too, is there's, there's multiple categories of, of how this comes to life and what this is. Gabby, what are the two specific kinds of that I think would help our listeners orient a little bit around, how you go about this and the types of triggers that create it.
• 8:38
  Right. So first, you have your benefit triggered gratitude, where something good happens and you're able to express a thankfulness for that. It's, your reaction to a stimulus, whereas the second is more of a general gratitude, where it's just broader sense of gratefulness for the life that you're living, the things that you are experiencing. And quite frankly, the broad gratitude tends to be much harder.
• 9:05
  Yes. We used to, you know, display in your life. Then the benefit triggered things when we have something good happen to us, whether that be a job promotion or, you know, you get a gift from a spouse and you weren't expecting it. And it's easy to be grateful in those. Yes, yes. But in the day to day, when you're just going through your routines, what can you be grateful for?
• 9:30
  And that's where I think a lot of people struggle. Well, I think go back to Robert Evans and the definition of gratitude we hadn't even talked about that is, you know, he kind of said, hey, first you gotta acknowledge of good things in my life. And we made what I had or bad things in my life because we can talk about gratitude helps increase grit.
• 9:47
  And you recognize that they didn't come from you, that that whatever you believe about this world or other people in this world, that I can acknowledge the good things in this life. There are good things about me. There are opportunities in front of me. If I can have that mindset of gratitude, that heart of gratitude, then that all those benefits we mentioned take place, I guess the most simple, basic definition of gratitude that I've heard that I really lean on this morning, which I have.
• 10:16
  So you just make the choice to walk what you have. And there's freedom. We talk as human beings to want what you have. And drew, you mentioned the holidays can be such a difficult time
• 10:27
  So the general gratitude can be that much more difficult when I've experienced some kind of trauma and some kind of loss. And, and this may be the first Thanksgiving that you have without a loved one. And so that can be really difficult to have a general sense of gratitude when the loss and pain is so great.
• 10:49
  But how might gratitude help drew off of that to you real quick? How might gratitude help us deal with grief and a little bit different perspective? Yeah, those are tough because even the definition you shared that I totally agree with, of wanting what you have. There are times in life when what you have is tough is not what you want.
• 11:11
  Yeah, it's not what you want. So I think, I think the, the probably the shift or the adjustment that you want to try to make in that moment of, okay, you know what? This person isn't at Thanksgiving this year or this person hasn't been here in ten years. And yet each year it feels just about as difficult and everything in between.
• 11:30
  I think what you got to try to do is, instead of focusing on the fact that they aren't there, what can you celebrate in the way of memories, you know, what can you celebrate in the ways in the way of, hey, this person had this impact on my life. This person had an impact on the lives of all these other people.
• 11:48
  I think it's trying to focus on the what, what no one can take away. I always say to people like, hey, although you can't make new memories with this person, no one can ever take away the ones that have already taken place. But to be, you know, there's no easy way around that. Too hard. No, but I think we can all have different experiences in our life that are really difficult.
• 12:05
  But one of the things gratitude does is it increases our grit. And so if we can be thankful for the good things in our life and the bad things, we can be thankful for who we have and thankful for who we had in our life. We know that that increases our ability to persevere, under difficult times, to demonstrate some resilience, to have hope and moving forward.
• 12:29
  I think that we would never take away your permission to be human or grieve. But understanding through our love, the way you looked at it, that nobody. I cannot be thankful for the memories while still grieving the loss.
• 12:40
  yeah. And those are tough. And we're sensitive to the fact that, you know, the kind of the common cultural notions around Thanksgiving and then, heck, Christmas is gonna be here soon.
• 12:52
  There's there's so much of just the shine of that. I guess you'd say. And, there's a lot that comes with it. And so shiny is how I would describe it. Yeah. And I think those expectations, you know, gratitude helps increase joy. Those expectations take away joy, especially for hurting or suffering or struggling. And I think that's why gratitude is so important.
• 13:14
  Practice the right way. You can help you have some sense of peace around where you're at, who you are, who you're with in those moments. So, Gabby, let me throw one to you here. You know, we've said that the general gratitude piece tends to be the tougher, you know, if if you're walking up to, a store and someone's kind enough to hold the door for you, most people are going to say thank you.
• 13:34
  That's benefit triggered because, you know, I didn't have to open the door on my own. But the general one is one that, we struggle with. What are some of the reasons that you have found that people have a difficult time committing to that? The biggest one that I've seen is honestly social media and social comparison, where we're constantly seeing what others have, even around the holidays.
• 13:58
  You know, some people don't have large families where they're gathering, and we're constantly seeing these full plates and smiles and lives with family and friends, and some people don't have that. So in those moments, they're taken back. They're comparing rather than being in the moment with what they do have. So I do think that social media, social comparison is one of the biggest barriers to being able to express general gratitude, but also getting swept up in the in the big picture, it's hard to focus in on the little things.
• 14:30
  One where our mind, our mind is going a million miles a moment. Yeah, I think there's comparisons that only to other people, but I know it's easy in my life to compare, but it's good to compare myself sometimes where I think I should be. You know, I've been doing this for a long time. I should be better at this.
• 14:45
  I should be farther along. I should experience these emotions. And so I think that pressure sometimes we put on ourselves. But I can look back and see how far I've come and be grateful for the progress that I've made. I think sometimes we struggle with, looking ahead of where we should be and who we should be, and how we should be, or what we should have done, instead of recognizing where we are and recognizing progress as well.
• 15:09
  Yeah, and we're just so busy. Yeah, we're great at being busy, you know, we're great at which really I mean, I think it's not as we're great at making choices that make us busy. And, you know, the gratitude stuff. What I hear commonly from people who are running hard and have a lot of things, a lot of balls in the air, oh, gosh.
• 15:28
  You know, like I'm I'm going to get to that. I'm going to get to that. I just don't have time for that and that type of stuff. And so they kind of and like we're all guilty that at times as well, we kind of want both things. Right. So we want the benefits. We don't we don't, you know, hey less stress and sleep better and better immune health.
• 15:41
  Yes yes and yes I want those things. But then the discipline of okay, I'm going to write down my three things today and tomorrow and the next day and the next day. We aren't as eager to do those things. Yeah, I think that's the piece that knowing, hey, this is what I really want and these are the benefits.
• 16:00
  Then the main question we always ask is, okay, what am I allowed to give up to get it. Am I willing to try something different? I think that I would love for this to be kind of a gratitude challenge for our listeners and even for. Yeah, I was like what might that look like in your life. You let's just drive for three weeks.
• 16:14
  You got three weeks between now and Christmas. What might that look like? You just write down three things specific to the day. Not not the same thing every day. That'd be a good gratitude challenge. Can we do this and see what those benefits are? Let's go. Let's do our own up offices and test our research on it.
• 16:31
  Yeah, that would be awesome. Because it's just if we're real honest with ourselves, there's a million examples of this of, like, everybody wants the payoff. Not as eager typically to, engage in the things you got to do to get the payoff.
• 16:44
  Okay. So let's get into, helping our listeners think about and talk about some examples of how could you put this into place. So we've talked about already making the list day in and day out. That's a great practical example. Gabby, what are some other thoughts you have on if I'm a listener hearing this today?
• 17:01
  And I think, okay, like I want to get going on this, like, what are some ideas, maybe things you've done or places to start? Well, gratitude in my life has shown up in ways I will say. I've never been the most consistent with it on a yearly basis, but I can think back to. Of course, I started practicing gratitude with the same idea of writing down these three things that you are grateful for each day.
• 17:25
  I had a great journal that I used, Amazon $10. You know, it's at the end of the night. What are three things you're grateful for? What are three things that you're looking forward to tomorrow? And I did that for about six months consistently. And that really started me on the gratitude train. So I think that if you're looking for a starting point, something like that is a great tool to set you up.
• 17:49
  Now, gratitude in my life looks a bit different. I will be honest and say I'm not the best at writing three things down every day or setting aside that, you know, set time to engage and, gratitude, thoughtfulness and what it looks like now is, you know, I, I wake up in the morning and if my neck is not hurting, like, wow, I'm really grateful that my neck doesn't hurt today.
• 18:15
  I've been dealing with some neck issues. I don't know what's going on with it, but that initial body scan and saying, wow, I'm grateful that my body feels good today, that I can start the day without pain. Something small. And then at the end of the day, you know, I come home and I will say, my boyfriend does a great job of this where he will ask me what went well for you today.
• 18:36
  And that kind of prompts me to engage into this new gratitude, my mindset, yeah. What are the good things that happened to me at work today? And yeah, it was busy. That's kind of your natural inclination to say, well, today was busy, but now I say it was busy in a good way. Yeah, because I got to do x, y, z.
• 18:57
  So it shifted a bit away from the formal structure, and I'm writing things down into more of a practical, you know, on a daily basis. Do I feel good? And then at the end of the day, what did I do good today? Yeah, I love that. I think to me, even the response earlier, like we're so busy, my response is always, it's good to be busy, but at least the alternative.
• 19:20
  And so just trying to reframe that. But what I hear Gabby, you've done and what we've tried to do is we're training our brain to be mindful of the things we're grateful for in our life. And so it's a little things throughout the day is the opportunities we have in front of us. And so I think that's a great way to kind of maybe I once I sort of writing it down, you know, that your, your brain starts looking for the good.
• 19:43
  And it's so easy in this world to hunt the bad. How about you, doc? What's working for you guys right now and for you in terms of gratitude practice? I'm not a big write three things down either person. So it's good we're talking about this because there's other there's ways to do this, right. There are plenty of other ways to do it.
• 19:59
  I've built a, I think a I feel good about the routine I've built over the years and that, so I've, I've structured this around just the way I pray, and I've tried to always be thoughtful of, like, anytime I when I pray, I always want to start with gratitude of the like things that I'm praying for.
• 20:15
  And, and the, the time that I've found that works best for me is like, is the first time I'm in a vehicle every day because at some point, like, I usually go somewhere. And so that could be that could be the active social life and know it's like either I'm driving to go to the Y or I'm driving to go meet my friends to run.
• 20:34
  Or sometimes if I'm running from my house and I'll just I'm driving to work. But but so the the first time I get in a vehicle every day, I always do. No, no radio, no muse, no nothing. And I just pray from point A to point B, and a big part of that is it always starts through this.
• 20:51
  It goes to this progression. But the first part of the progression is always, reflection, reflecting on gratitude, things either that had gone on recently, opportunities that might be going on later that day, or just big picture things that are, true. So that's a routine that's worked well for me because again, like, I think if you're if you can find a way to build a little bit of a habit or routine of like something you know, is going to happen, it just helps you really stick to it.
• 21:19
  Yeah. Yeah. I figured you had a good routine, in that for us, I try to, I try to have good routines. I'm blown away. You have a good routine. But I'm thankful for that because I know, there's consistency. Routines are good sometimes, around what you're doing. All right. What about yourself? What do you got to share for this?
• 21:36
  Always go back to, like, I probably. We all do this. We do things for our kids or do things for others that maybe we don't do for ourselves. So I do think the best thing we did when our children were little was each night. It was the best thing. That avenue day. What's the worst thing that happened today?
• 21:50
  And what did you learn today? And because I always wanted them to know something good is going to happen, something bad is going to happen. If what all of you have a chance to learn and grow, a little ways and I do that in our life, you know, our Monday morning meetings or client meetings here, trying to make people be mindful of where did you have where do you make biggest impact last week personally, your professional life.
• 22:09
  And to me, that's how I kind of structure my brain. Not a routine, but, I am often humbled. And so grateful for the opportunities we have. And and I really am. I don't wanna say shocked, but I'm so appreciative to be able to do what we get to do that people trust us. And so I try to be so mindful of that in those moments when I'm in the moment, going through it or when I'm through with it is like, and thank God that that I had this opportunity to do the work that we did because it's so meaningful and I'm at my best when I am so mindful and I
• 22:47
  acknowledge it. When little moments or when I make a connection with something that I learned, there's always an underlying sense of appreciation of connecting the dots, because that those are little ways even my little church basketball team and the struggle is real. It looks like going to be this year. But after each game, I mean, what did you learn?
• 23:10
  What did you learn? And so I think that's a little bit of how our practice, gratitude is being so mindful of how am I learning, how am I grow, and even mistakes that I've made. So to me, that's that's how I kind of do it. I know everybody shot that out at this region just to play routine to it.
• 23:28
  Are you calling me rigid? No, no no, no, I just did it for me. I didn't say rigid. And so part of that piece, being grateful, like, those are good examples. And so we encourage you as a listener to think about what are ways that you practice. And I love drew. Pairing it with something I know is going to happen, is a great way as a what's for dinner for us.
• 23:48
  I knew I was going to be eat dinner with my family if I was in town, and that triggered the conversation when we had Mike. No, no, no, no. He talked about being grateful and how that kind of serves you as an individual being gracious serves others. And so when we think about being grateful and gracious, what are some ways that we practice or can practice just being gracious, what does that look like?
• 24:15
  Curveball. Here Gaby thoughts? Wow. Well okay, I'll give one I'll give one. But it's coming to you next, so don't delay. Don't delay in your brainstorm there. I think a real practical way to be gracious is. And we've you've heard us say this on the podcast before, but just to afford people, positive intent to just, you know, to try to create a mindfulness in a, in a mentality of like, okay, I'm going to choose to not see this in a way that, frankly, puts us both in a bad spot because it introduces tension, potential conflict, that type of stuff like, hey, I'm going to assume positive attended.
• 24:54
  Although although this might have looked this way, I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. I'm going to ask good questions. I'm going to give the conversation an opportunity. Like I feel like that's and like, let's face it, there are situations in life where that person you're affording that to might not objectively deserve that at any given moment.
• 25:11
  And so I think that's an example of how we can be gracious to others. Yeah, those labels set limits on our own can act and on their growth and ours. When I think of being gracious, I think of giving people that space to have those negative emotions. You know, we've talked a lot about the importance of positive emotions and expressing gratitude.
• 25:31
  And when I think of being gracious, it's boils down to this idea of somebody maybe having a hard day, and it can be really hard to express gratitude when everything around them seems to be going wrong. And allowing them that space to not be grateful and not hit them with toxic positivity is what I call it. Where, you know, maybe you've had a really rough day and, your, your friend, your spouse comes at you and says, okay, well, it could be worse.
• 26:01
  Yeah, that is the opposite of gracious in my mind. It's all well. Yes. That is a really tough day. You've had. And just leave it there. Let them let them have that moment later. You can go down the path of gratitude. But I do think that, you know, gratitude is something that we've preached as being positive. But there's also a moment of gratitude for acceptance of what is happening in the present moment.
• 26:27
  Yeah, I think kind of to me, being gracious in that is the gift you can give as being present in the pain. And it's so easy to minimize someone else's pain, especially your children's, and so being gracious just to be present in it. No, we can't take it away. I think that's a great example of being gracious.
• 26:46
  I think to me, the gratitude is probably easier. Sometimes I think it's harder to be gracious. You know, I think sometimes we all express the kind of the kind of words we are willing to be vulnerable with those we love or show that appreciation. And so. Well, you know, I just for me, I could have great doubt about my family, so to speak.
• 27:07
  And then when I go home, for some reason, the words don't come out and the emotions don't show up the same way. And so, being grateful kind of, again, serves me. But being able to practice that and express that and go back in the love language is, I think, a way to be gracious is a lot of people the way that they feel love.
• 27:25
  And being mindful, that means I get to know their art. As you were saying drew, I got to, I got to not label them is another great way in that process. And I think the last maybe piece I would speak on our own gratitude that and being gracious and I just think about we've done about Thanksgiving and those holidays being difficult.
• 27:45
  Thanksgiving is a really hard one for me because it was it was a tradition that was so wholesome for my family. And then when my parents divorce, the tradition quit. And for years it's been really difficult for me to enjoy Thanksgiving, holding on to what it should be or what it was. And so I think one of the last things that I would mention about being able to be grateful and gracious and just forgiveness, practicing forgiveness, understanding, forgiveness that not all of the things I can control control me.
• 28:17
  Which sets me up to be grateful for what I have and who I have, not what I don't have and who I don't have. And so those are some ways I like being grateful and gracious, using the power of together, and the hope that if you are struggling during these seasons, that you can focus on some gratitude, focus on some being gracious, but also focus on forgiveness.
• 28:38
  Awesome. I know we need to move toward kind of wrapping up for today, but I think hopefully we've laid out some some practical ideas and a challenge for our listeners. So, to, to think about how can you put this into play? Did we say 20? What did you say? 29th is either 19 or 21 day, and I can't remember what y'all make or said, in his research, 2121 and we'll go with 21.
• 29:01
  Yeah. Okay. So about so so Thanksgiving is going to be what November the I don't even at 27 is okay almost to Christmas. So two days before Christmas most importantly get started. Yeah. You know start somewhere get going. Yeah. But just as we wrap up, hopefully our listeners have gotten a chance to really, you know, take a step back and think about like, wow, this is a really powerful thing that can operate in our lives and be so good, not just for us, but for so many people if handled, well.
• 29:32
  So, think about what that could mean for you and how you could put it into play. And then the 21 day challenge is yours. Right in that. Right. What we're saying. Yeah. What I'm saying. Yeah. So are we got to do it ourselves. That is, although it's easier to tell people what to do. Something. Yes. Correct.
• 29:48
  Got them. My final thoughts are just like, we're grateful for you as listeners, the chance to be relevant to, give you ideas and suggestions in this, thing we called life. As you continue to focus on being better, pursuing better in your life, and we look forward to the feedback, we'd be grateful if you would, like us or subscribe or not.
• 30:07
  Want, like like, sure. What the right terminology. But we are wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving and we are very grateful for you. Awesome. Thank you. Thank you.