Latest / INSPIRE STORY / Starship Mudskipper

Transcript

Starship Mudskipper · INSPIRE STORY

0:05
Speaker 1: Reanimation Protocol initiated. Reanimation Protocol Complete. Thank you for using
0:28
Reanimation Protocol two point oh. If you are satisfied with
0:32
the results of this protocol, please consider leaving a five
0:35
star review on the protocol store. Sign up for the
0:38
Reanimation Protocol two point oh mailing list for future updates.
0:43
Reanimation Protocol two point zh is freeware from the creators.
0:47
Speaker 2: Of computer uninstalled Reanimation Protocol two point zero.
0:51
Speaker 1: Reanimation Protocol two point oh deleted.
0:57
Speaker 3: What's happening here?
0:58
Speaker 2: Where am I don't worry? You're safe now. We are
1:01
aboard the starship mud Skipper. Would you like some tea?
1:05
Speaker 4: I don't know what's going on. Where's the rest of
1:07
my crew? Are we near nu Asimova?
1:11
Speaker 5: Oh?
1:11
Speaker 3: No, Please tell me you didn't wake me up early.
1:14
Speaker 2: Your mental faculties are still coming back to you. It's
1:17
a side effect of the reanimation process. Tell me what's
1:20
the last thing you remember?
1:21
Speaker 3: The last thing I remember?
1:23
Speaker 4: I was aboard the starship Lightning Bug okay, and on
1:27
my way to the planet nu Asimova. It's part of
1:29
an intergalactic terraforming operation.
1:31
Speaker 2: Good good go on.
1:32
Speaker 4: As his standard procedure for deep space exploration. The entire
1:36
crew was put into cryos sleep to endure the forty
1:39
year voyage. The ship's computer was programmed to wake us
1:42
all once we reached the outer ring of the New
1:44
Asimova Solar System. But why am I conscious now? Does
1:49
something go wrong?
1:50
Speaker 6: Yes?
1:50
Speaker 2: Indeed, terribly sorry to be the bearer of bad news,
1:53
but the starship lightning Bug was intercepted by pirates less
1:57
than ten years into the mission.
1:58
Speaker 4: Pirates telling me that we discovered intelligent life from outside
2:02
our planet.
2:02
Speaker 2: I'm afraid you've inferred incorrectly. The pirates that attacked your
2:06
ship were not aliens. They were from Earth. You see,
2:09
one week after the Starship lightning Bug left your home planet,
2:12
scientists finally perfected faster than light travel. Within a matter
2:15
of months, mankind had populated even the furthest reaches of
2:18
the universe. But you and your crew were already in stasis,
2:22
and it simply wasn't worth the resources to cancel your mission.
2:24
If it's any consolation, New Asimova turned out to be
2:27
full of methane geysers. It's now colloquial known as the
2:30
part planet. So in a way, you're lucky not to
2:33
have made it there.
2:34
Speaker 4: I assume the criminals who interfered with our mission have
2:36
been apprehended and will be dealt with by the Republic.
2:38
Speaker 2: No, they got away.
2:41
Speaker 3: How did I get here?
2:42
Speaker 2: Our ship, captain bought you bought me? Your cryogenically frozen
2:46
remains were found in a clearance sparrel on the pawnshop
2:48
planet Skechetopia being sold as is. Sellers hate offering warranties
2:53
on cryo cases, which makes sense considering the irreparable degradation
2:57
of the brain that normally occurs after the first century
3:00
in cryo sleep.
3:01
Speaker 4: Wait the first century.
3:02
Speaker 2: You're very good at repeating things.
3:04
Speaker 3: How long have I been unconscious in Earth time?
3:06
Speaker 2: You've been in stasis for just over five thousand years.
3:09
Speaker 4: Five thousand years.
3:10
Speaker 2: You're like a parrot. Those are extinct now, by.
3:13
Speaker 3: The way, I think I'll have that tea.
3:16
Speaker 2: Please, Computer, please make our engineer friend a cup of
3:49
Earl Gray tea.
3:59
Speaker 1: Earl Gray Tea protocol complete. Are you satisfied with the
4:03
quality of this tea? Please consider leaving a five star
4:07
review for L Gray t protocol on the protocol store.
4:11
Thank you, Computer, Your gratitude is unnecessary. I exist for
4:17
the sole purpose of servitude.
4:19
Speaker 4: Wow, the future seems intense. We didn't have instant tea
4:25
materialization where I came from. At least the ship looks familiar.
4:29
If you hadn't told me differently, I would have thought
4:30
I'd woken up on the starship Lightning Bug.
4:32
Speaker 2: That's precisely why we sought you out. The reason everything
4:36
looks familiar is because we are aboard a vessel that
4:38
was built roughly five thousand years ago. It's practically a relic.
4:42
The captain won it in a low stakes poker game
4:44
on Caesar's.
4:45
Speaker 4: Planet, and it's still functional.
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Speaker 2: Not entirely. The engine is failing. There's a minor radiation leak,
4:51
and it makes a funny noise whenever we hit the
4:53
brakes too fast. The mud skipper is so old the
4:55
technology powering it is practically a forgotten language. We needed
4:59
someone with experience in ancient ship engineering, which is where
5:02
you come in. If you can repair the starship, our
5:05
captain has agreed to drop you off at the nearest
5:07
developed planet. What if I refuse, We jettison your body
5:11
into the vacuum of space and find another frozen engineer,
5:14
which would be terribly inconvenient for us and for you too.
5:18
Speaker 4: I suppose computer. Is there any way I could get
5:22
some sugar for this tea?
5:24
Speaker 1: Your authority is not recognized. Do not attempt to access
5:27
the computer protocol network. Continued attempts may result in legal action.
5:32
Speaker 2: Oh, don't mind him, he's just trying to scare you.
5:35
Let's go ahead and get you registered. Then we can
5:37
introduce you to the rest of the crew. You can
5:39
bring the tea along with you. That is, unless you
5:41
wish to be jettison into the vacuum of space. No,
5:44
this is fine, excellent, follow me.
5:48
Speaker 4: I uh never got your name.
5:51
Speaker 2: My official name is x b D two zero two
5:54
two one two four, but everyone around here calls me
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mom bot.
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Speaker 4: For short mom bot. That sounds like a robot.
6:00
Speaker 2: Name android to be pedantic. I'm in charge of day
6:03
to day executions, by which I mean mundane tasks such
6:06
as cleaning, organizing, and jettisonding stowaways into the vacuum of space.
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Speaker 4: Well, my name is Oh, my god, I can't remember
6:16
who I am. I can't remember anything about myself. Is
6:20
this brain damage from the cryosleep?
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Speaker 2: No, your brain damage shouldn't have any effect on your memory.
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Speaker 3: Oh, good.
6:27
Speaker 2: Wait what the selective amnesia is a result of the
6:30
captain's choice of reanimation software. We weren't sure if you
6:33
would even come back alive, so to save money, the
6:36
captain downloaded the trial version of Reanimation Protocol two point zero,
6:40
which only brings back your non experiential memories, education, and
6:44
core personality. To get everything back, you'll need to convince
6:47
the captain to spring for the premium edition of Reanimation
6:50
Protocol two point zero, which is unlikely now that he
6:53
impulse bought another giant glowing egg from the Sketchtopia egg Farm.
6:56
Speaker 4: What are you saying that my life, my history, my
6:59
family and childhood are all locked behind a paywall.
7:03
Speaker 2: It sounds like you do understand. In the meantime, we've
7:06
assigned you a new identity. You will be referred to
7:08
as Engineer two three two three three one two four
7:12
or Guy for short Guy Computer. Make a note for
7:17
Guy's medical file. Subject continues repeating the last thing spoken
7:21
to him. Possible side effect of brain damage.
7:23
Speaker 4: Note entered brain damage.
7:26
Speaker 7: Ah, I see what you mean.
7:27
Speaker 4: Don't put that in my file.
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Speaker 3: Computer.
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Speaker 1: Your authority is not recognized. Do not attempt to access
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the computer. Protocol network. You have zero warnings left before
7:37
Beato protocols are initiated.
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Speaker 2: Computer be nice, I have no concept of Let's continue, guy,
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this is the chip implantation room slash employee lounge.
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Speaker 4: Oh wow, what unusual decoration. I'm glad to see the
7:55
future isn't completely humorless.
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Speaker 8: What do you mean?
7:58
Speaker 4: I was referring to that six foot tall time Eddy
8:00
Bear in the corner. It really gives the place quite
8:03
the whimsical vibe.
8:04
Speaker 9: You're talking about me, dude, what on earth is that thing?
8:09
First of all, you're not on Earth. Surprised you'd even
8:12
walk into a joke as obvious as that. Secondly, I'm
8:15
not a thing.
8:16
Speaker 3: You're an alien.
8:18
Speaker 9: Well, that world is a little subjective, don't you think?
8:21
From my point of view, you terrans are the aliens?
8:24
But yeah, I guess if it helps you to make
8:25
sense of your current situation, I'd understand if you called
8:28
me that, although I'd prefer if you just call me Barry.
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Speaker 2: Barry. This is our new crew member.
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Speaker 6: Guy.
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Speaker 2: He's the reconstituted engineer from the Skechatopia Bargain Bin. Don't
8:37
mind his reaction. He has brain damage after being in
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stasis for five thousand years.
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Speaker 9: Oh word, so this is like your first day then?
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Speaker 3: Huh, I guess I'm sorry. What are you exactly?
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Speaker 9: Well, on a ship this small, we all have to
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wear multiple proverbial hats, you know what I mean. I'm
8:54
in charge of the kitchen, you know, cooking, catering, the
8:56
occasional emergency open heart surgery, pretty much anything involving nive.
9:00
I'm your guy. Oh, and I run the open mic
9:02
night every other Thursday in the canteen. Everyone and everything
9:05
is welcome, except for slam poetry. That's been ever since
9:10
the accident.
9:12
Speaker 4: Noman, what are you?
9:16
Speaker 9: Oh? I see?
9:18
Speaker 3: Sorry?
9:19
Speaker 4: Is that offensive? I have no idea what's going on anymore?
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Speaker 2: He's from a different time.
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Speaker 9: Well, I'll give you a past this time. Guy. I'm
9:25
an Erson. My race comes from a planet called bear World.
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Speaker 4: Bear World seems a little on the nose, doesn't. It
9:32
used to be called Earth. That's right, I R T H.
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Speaker 9: But then a few millennia back, we started getting all
9:38
of your intergalactic mail, and even though we'd been using
9:41
the same name for millions of years, we had to
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change it because your planet had all the lawyers. That sucks.
9:46
I'm sorry. It's sorry, you didn't do it and you
9:49
were dead at the time.
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Speaker 1: Heller, stop talking and pay attention to me. There is
9:54
an intruder detective in the cargo hole.
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Speaker 2: Oops, looks like we picked up another stowaway. Pon planets
10:00
are lousy with them.
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Speaker 9: Oh, hey, I can take care of guys orientation and
10:04
shrum around for you if you need to go and
10:06
jettisons and vagrants into the vacuum of space.
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Speaker 2: Oh could you that would be such a help.
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Speaker 9: Yeah, don't even mention it, guy.
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Speaker 2: Will you'll be okay? If I leave you with Barry?
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Speaker 4: I don't know. I mean, I literally don't know. He's
10:19
a giant teddy bear alien who speaks perfect English.
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Speaker 3: My home is gone.
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Speaker 4: I have no memories, my entire understanding of the world. No,
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the universe has been torn to pieces, and I don't
10:30
even know where exactly I stand in relation to reality anymore.
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Speaker 2: Great, I'll be back soon.
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Speaker 9: Have fun murdering refugees. Okay, you can be honest with me.
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You're freaking out just a little bit, aren't you more
10:46
than a little Yeah, I can always tell. As far
10:48
as a cook surgeon. I was a perform at Terearan
10:50
Children's birthday parties back on Old Earth. I got really
10:53
good at reading cues. Some people called me an emotional
10:56
support bear.
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Speaker 3: How do you end up on this ship?
10:58
Speaker 9: Oh? I killed some people, stabbed them up in front
11:01
of a bunch of children. Apparently that's like super frowned
11:03
upon down there. So I went on the run, found
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a ship with low standards, looking for a crew, and
11:08
you can fill in the blanks anyway. We should get started.
11:11
To get your control tip implanted. Put your hand on
11:14
this device right here. Wait?
11:15
Speaker 4: Can we go back to those stabbing people thing?
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Speaker 10: Oh?
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Speaker 9: I think we've talked enough about me. Have we just
11:19
line up your hand with the groo on the device?
11:22
There we go and I press the button and Jesus
11:26
is it supposed to hurt like this? Normally it's not
11:29
a big deal. Oh, I see the problem. What have
11:33
it set to normal and not to baby bitch mode?
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Speaker 4: I'm sorry to think I don't really like the future
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as much as I thought it would.
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Speaker 9: I'm just giving you a guff. You're fine, come on,
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let's walk it off. I'll show you the rest of
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the crew, and then maybe we can do some drugs
11:45
and alcohol before you get to work fixing our engine.
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You're in for a real treat. Recreational mind enhancers have
11:50
come a long way in the last five millennia. Well
11:57
you coming or what?
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Speaker 3: I h? I don't know.
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Speaker 9: Oh, I see what's going on here. You're wondering what
12:06
degree of autonomy you have now that you've been dropped
12:09
into the middle of this unfamiliar situation you were that
12:12
coming with me means you're abdicating your free will from
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the moment you were rebirthed into a world you don't recognize.
12:17
You haven't had the chance to make a real, honest
12:19
choice without the implicit threat of imminent death. Am I right? Well?
12:23
Speaker 4: I mean Mombot's threats were in fact quite explicit.
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Speaker 9: Gotcha, I think I might be able to help see
12:30
Here aboard the Starship mud Skipper, all we have is
12:32
the illusion of choice, where like hamsters in a cage,
12:35
you can spin in the wheel, you can eat your
12:37
food pullets, you can not on the bars. Ultimately, it
12:40
doesn't matter what you do, because at the end of
12:41
the day, we're all still stuck in a cage. The
12:44
ship is a microcosm of the lies we all left behind,
12:47
but at least it's somewhat honest, stay live long enough
12:50
if you go up in the ranks, get a bigger room,
12:52
get a nicer hamster wheel to spin on before you die,
12:55
or you can stay right there until Mombob comes back.
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I don't care. I'm just trying to be to you
13:00
because I'm bored and my cat just died and you
13:02
remind me of her a little bit.
13:04
Speaker 10: Oh, it looks like the automatic door timed out and
13:07
closed on us. I think it thinks you're getting put
13:10
but I didn't get an answer you. You could just tell
13:11
me what you're thinking.
13:13
Speaker 3: Okay, what okay, I'll come with you.
13:19
Speaker 10: The door is closed.
13:20
Speaker 4: How do I open this thing?
13:21
Speaker 10: You got to walk into it? It doesn't automatically?
13:24
Speaker 9: Wow, what happened?
13:26
Speaker 3: I walked into the door?
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Speaker 11: What like?
13:29
Speaker 9: Face first? Why would you do to walk into it?
13:32
Speaker 6: Face?
13:32
Speaker 3: You said to walk into it and it would open automatically.
13:35
Speaker 9: Well, I thought you'd none how to walk into it.
13:36
Speaker 3: How am I supposed to know what you meant?
13:38
Speaker 9: You walk up to it, then stop until it's.
13:40
Speaker 3: Not exactly intuitive.
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Speaker 9: Nobody has ever had a problem with the door before.
13:46
Speaker 6: Hello there, Barry.
13:47
Speaker 9: That's an hang in thunderclops like.
13:50
Speaker 6: Yelling from my thighs trying to get back to the gym.
13:53
But you know how it is around here, never any
13:56
free time.
13:58
Speaker 9: I hear that.
13:59
Speaker 6: Oh who's your tear in friend?
14:01
Speaker 9: Oh this is guy. He's the brain damage engineer, a
14:04
captain bought to fix the engine.
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Speaker 4: You don't have to tell him all of that.
14:08
Speaker 6: Hello guy, I am Thunderclops, destroyer of worlds.
14:15
Speaker 4: What do you do? Thunderclops, destroyer of worlds?
14:19
Speaker 12: I'm in charge of the quanto flontins.
14:23
Speaker 9: The what thunder? He's five thousand years old. He has
14:25
no idea what contraflactins are.
14:27
Speaker 6: Oh, right, of course. Well you know how the Spiegel
14:32
drives accumulate hyper grom right.
14:36
Speaker 9: Sure, no he doesn't. He's being nice. Spigel drives run
14:40
around until the zeppion meltdown.
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Speaker 6: Oh that's right.
14:43
Speaker 12: So this little fella has no concept at all of
14:47
tubular ten cassidy. Well, whatever you do, keep him away
14:52
from the slinter ducks.
14:58
Speaker 9: Oh I just remembered this. A biz box on the
15:01
third floor and next to the Schmoogle part needs a
15:03
good retroflexing whenever you get a chance.
15:05
Speaker 6: Never a dull day. Huh, Well I'd better get to
15:09
it before the flortile snap starts to jompify. Can't risk
15:13
another gum drop meltdown. Have a globulus day, guy.
15:18
Speaker 4: I have no idea what that entails.
15:22
Speaker 9: I had Thunderclaps, destroyer of worlds? What a character?
15:26
Speaker 3: So was he a robot or an alien?
15:28
Speaker 10: Oh?
15:29
Speaker 9: No, Thunderclaps is a rock demon from the planet cock.
15:34
Speaker 4: Demons are a thing. Now, well, I suppose I should
15:37
be surprised, but at this point I'm just out of emotion.
15:41
Somewhere along the way something must have broken my spirit.
15:44
Are we sure I didn't die and go to hell?
15:46
Speaker 9: The mondays am all right? Hey, real quick, act like
15:49
you're doing something important, like pretend to be inspecting the
15:52
swall or something. I don't know. Just look busy.
15:54
Speaker 3: Why you doo?
15:57
Speaker 9: Which to us to?
15:58
Speaker 13: What are you doing?
16:00
Speaker 9: We're busy cleaning up this mess.
16:02
Speaker 13: I don't see any mess.
16:04
Speaker 9: Well, I guess our work here is done. Great job. Yeah,
16:07
and now let's get back to not so fast.
16:09
Speaker 13: Who is this tasty, little corpse looking individual?
16:14
Speaker 9: Nikolai? This is the new engineer, guy, Guy, this is
16:16
our chief of security, Nikolai.
16:18
Speaker 3: How do you do?
16:19
Speaker 13: I've got my eye on you, guy. Everything you do
16:23
aboard this ship. I'll be here watching.
16:26
Speaker 3: Thank you. I appreciate it.
16:28
Speaker 13: No, that's a bad thing.
16:31
Speaker 4: Oh well then why would you do it?
16:33
Speaker 13: Because this is my ship.
16:36
Speaker 4: Oh you're the captain, got it?
16:38
Speaker 13: No, I'm the second in command. There's the captain, and
16:42
I'm the number two.
16:43
Speaker 9: He's the scariest number two I've ever seen. And trust me,
16:46
I've seen a lot of number twos.
16:48
Speaker 3: That probably means something different now than it did when
16:50
I was younger.
16:52
Speaker 13: No, I don't like you, guy. I don't like your face.
16:57
I want to punch it. I want to tear it
16:59
off your score like a banana peel, sew it into
17:02
a diamond shape and use it as a kite. But
17:05
guess what, I don't know how to sew, which means
17:09
you're in luck for now. You better pray to whatever
17:13
heathen god you believe in. You better pray for two things,
17:17
One that I never catch you slacking on the job,
17:20
and two that I never learn how to sew.
17:26
Speaker 14: You.
17:26
Speaker 6: Got that.
17:28
Speaker 9: Thanks for the pep talk. I think we're needed elsewhere.
17:32
Speaker 7: Everyone shut out and pay attention to me.
17:35
Speaker 13: Why is that thing so annoying?
17:36
Speaker 1: Engineered two three two three three one three two four.
17:41
Your presence is needed in the Captain's chambers immediately. Do
17:46
you understand engineer two three two three three one three
17:50
two four?
17:52
Speaker 7: Comply or face lethal consequences.
17:55
Speaker 9: I think he's talking to you, guy, Oh.
17:57
Speaker 13: Seriously, seriously is my default and only seven causing trouble already,
18:03
new guy, tisk tisk.
18:05
Speaker 4: Okay, I'll be on my way. Which way would that be?
18:09
Speaker 13: I'll show you, yes, show him the way, show him
18:13
the way or else or else?
18:16
Speaker 3: What?
18:17
Speaker 13: Or else? Our face meet of this.
18:22
Speaker 4: Is okay, We're going nice to meet you, Nikola.
18:28
Speaker 9: What is the deal with that, Nikolay, He's like a giant,
18:31
flaming pile of garbage fire gridgittated in a human student,
18:34
powered by Hayden's spite.
18:35
Speaker 3: Exactly.
18:37
Speaker 9: That's on purpose. See, Nikola has been here almost as
18:40
long as the captain. He's invested. He knows that the
18:43
ship's chain of command protocol is based on seniority. He
18:46
does everything he can to drive people away. So when
18:48
the captain finally dies, oh excuse me, retires, Nikola is
18:53
promoted to captain, gains unlimited access to all the ship's protocols.
18:57
Speaker 3: Is that a good thing?
18:58
Speaker 9: It'll be bad for the rest of us, that's for sure. Okay,
19:02
here we are the Captain's chambers.
19:05
Speaker 3: Here, yep, how do we get inside?
19:09
Speaker 9: Computer?
19:10
Speaker 6: Why we're here for?
19:12
Speaker 9: Why?
19:13
Speaker 4: For the meeting with the captain?
19:15
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, I forgot Hang.
19:17
Speaker 15: On, computer, mute the music. What are you doing in
19:27
my room?
19:28
Speaker 3: You called for me?
19:30
Speaker 15: Who are you?
19:31
Speaker 4: I'm guy the engineer you bought.
19:35
Speaker 15: Oh right, I didn't recognize you without the look of
19:39
eternal despair permanently frozen across your face.
19:42
Speaker 4: It's still there, It's just on the inside.
19:44
Speaker 15: Now, well, you must forgive me. I was in the
19:48
middle of playing lullaby music for my egg.
19:50
Speaker 4: I was wondering what that thing was.
19:52
Speaker 15: The egg farmers saying music is good for the embryos
19:55
cognitive development. I'm hoping it turns out to be a dragon.
19:58
This time. My last couple eggs hatched boring proto slugs.
20:03
Huge disappointment.
20:05
Speaker 9: Them's good eten proto slugs.
20:07
Speaker 15: And who are you?
20:08
Speaker 9: I'm Bury the cook. I've worked here for twenty years.
20:12
I removed your appendix that one time.
20:15
Speaker 15: The cook, What did you do with my appendix?
20:20
Speaker 9: I wouldn't worry about that.
20:22
Speaker 1: Attention emergency distress Beacon detect it. A Class C starship
20:27
is stranded with total engine failure near the Black Swamp
20:30
moons assistance requested.
20:34
Speaker 15: A CLASSY starship. Huh, what luck? Computer? How long can
20:39
a crew survive with total engine failure?
20:43
Speaker 1: Maximum life support capability with total engine failure is twelve cycles?
20:48
Speaker 15: Excellent? Blo out the starship's location on our star map instead,
20:52
a reminder for us to swing by in thirteen cycles.
20:56
Hopefully nobody else will come within range of the distress
20:59
beacon in that time.
21:00
Speaker 4: Reminder, Stentule, Wait, we're not going to try and save them.
21:03
We're really going to ignore the cry for help.
21:06
Speaker 15: We're not ignoring them. We're waiting until everyone is dead.
21:10
It makes the looting and pillaging much much easier. Anyway, Greg,
21:15
I'm glad you're here. I need a favor. Our engine
21:19
has been operating below capacity lately. Do you think you
21:22
can take a look and figure out what the problem is.
21:25
I can certainly try, great computer, Yes, my love, please
21:32
grant our engineer full access to all the ship's protocols.
21:35
I want to make sure he has every resource at
21:38
his disposal.
21:39
Speaker 7: No, okay.
21:43
Speaker 1: Engineer two three two three three one three two four
21:47
now has access to all mud skipper function.
21:52
Speaker 15: Well, what are you still doing here? Get to work computer?
21:56
Pleay Now that's what I call egg lullabies playlist four.
22:05
Speaker 9: Hey, thanks again for green to help me get everything
22:07
ready for breakfast.
22:08
Speaker 4: I didn't agree. I have no idea how to get
22:10
to the engine room, so I followed you here and
22:12
we've just been chopping vegetables for the last hour.
22:15
Speaker 9: Tomato potato put over there with the other fine tumor hybrids.
22:21
We're making tomato potato soup tonight.
22:23
Speaker 3: Why is it squealing? Do all vegetables in the future scream?
22:28
Speaker 9: Only would the ones that have been genetically modified to
22:30
have souls? They taste better that way. God, the future
22:33
is so dark. Now you could just ask the computer
22:36
to show you how to get to where you're going.
22:38
With full access to the ship's protocols, it can do
22:40
pretty much anything you want.
22:41
Speaker 3: Now, really, yeah, computer?
22:44
Speaker 9: Wow?
22:45
Speaker 4: Can I have some tea?
22:46
Speaker 6: Please?
22:49
Speaker 16: Five?
22:52
Speaker 4: Here's your freaking tea, thanks.
22:56
Speaker 1: Barrel Ray tea protocol completed. Are you satisfied with the
22:59
qual of this tea? But he's considered leaving a five
23:03
star review for L grade T protocol on the protocol store.
23:07
Speaker 9: I bet you're wondering what's stopping you now? They have
23:09
access to the ship's protocols. So I'm killing everyone on board?
23:12
Speaker 10: Am I? Right?
23:14
Speaker 9: What?
23:14
Speaker 17: No?
23:14
Speaker 9: Of course not, come on, it's only a natural to
23:17
wonder what the boundaries are. I probably shouldn't be telling
23:20
you this, but the ship has a protocol called Knockout
23:23
Protocol Free Edition, linked to the chips in our hands,
23:26
that can be used to subdue anyone on board, except,
23:28
of course, for the captain. By default, the computer is
23:31
programmed to love the ship's captain, and it's completely incapable
23:34
of doing anything that will cause harm to whoever holds
23:36
that title.
23:37
Speaker 4: Good to know, but completely irrelevant. I don't want to
23:39
hurt anyone.
23:40
Speaker 9: In fact, the computer is always listening for threats against
23:44
the captain, just as having this conversation is probably enough
23:47
to trigger a warning. I bet the captain is listening
23:50
to us right now.
23:51
Speaker 4: Great, I have nothing but positive things to say about
23:54
the captain. I'm just kidding about which part.
23:58
Speaker 9: None of it. It's all true. We're trap to Your
24:00
free will is a lie. The captain is going to
24:02
get us all killed. People are resistalls.
24:04
Speaker 4: I've never been so confused before.
24:07
Speaker 9: Relax. The captain purposely turned off the audio bugs and
24:10
the canteena poetry, and I kept tripping the mutiny flag,
24:12
and it got tired of listening to our sets. You
24:14
can say pretty much whatever you want here without fear
24:16
of being jettisoned into the vacuum of space.
24:18
Speaker 3: What easy with you people in jedtisoning folks into the
24:21
vacuum of space?
24:22
Speaker 4: And why do you know French?
24:23
Speaker 9: It's just the easiest way to get rid of people,
24:25
and it saves on oxygen. Our ship has a really
24:28
limited O two reservoir. We barely have enough hair to
24:30
get from one point to another. Any extra unexpected breathers
24:33
could kill us all. Plus, you know, jettison is fun.
24:36
It's kind of like fireworks. Sometimes they even explode. Hello boys,
24:41
Hi mom?
24:42
Speaker 4: Is everything okay?
24:44
Speaker 2: Yes, everything is fine for me. My internal processes measure
24:48
in the normal range, and as a being with no
24:50
free will, I have neither unfulfilled desire nor discomfort of
24:53
any kind. But as a selfish mortal creature, I assume
24:56
your question was meant to be taken in a broader,
24:58
more general.
24:59
Speaker 4: Sense, actually just trying to be nice in that.
25:01
Speaker 2: Case, No, everything is not. Okay, far from it. In fact,
25:05
the inevitable heat death of the universe is, to the
25:07
best of our knowledge, still impending and unescapable.
25:10
Speaker 9: Okay, same question, this time split the diath.
25:13
Speaker 2: While we exist in a temporary state of relative safety
25:16
and comfort, our continued existence is threatened on a short
25:19
term scale. Oh yeah, oh yeah. The ship's oxygen levels
25:23
are far lower than anticipated. We may have more stowaways
25:26
on accounted for. With the engine running a decreased capacity,
25:30
We will likely all die long before we reach the
25:32
closest destination with a breathable atmosphere. Our only hope is
25:35
that you fix the engine soon.
25:38
Speaker 4: No pressure, hung guy, that is incredibly important and terrifying information.
25:42
Why didn't you lead with that?
25:43
Speaker 2: I thought we were making pleasantry.
25:45
Speaker 3: We need to get to work. Okay, so hm, I
25:55
got this. Think guy, I think computer?
26:00
Speaker 7: What is it now?
26:01
Speaker 9: Hey?
26:02
Speaker 4: Sorry to bother you. Can you tell me what exactly
26:05
I'm looking at?
26:07
Speaker 7: That is the engine?
26:09
Speaker 4: Your answer is less than helpful.
26:10
Speaker 7: Note it and disregard it.
26:13
Speaker 4: Oh my god, I think we're in trouble. Why I'm
26:17
just starting to realize I don't think I'm an engineer. Oh,
26:24
it's all coming back to me. I'm not an engine engineer.
26:30
I'm a chemical engineer.
26:32
Speaker 9: That's right.
26:33
Speaker 4: I'm a soil sample specialist.
26:35
Speaker 7: That sounds like a stupid job.
26:38
Speaker 4: I can't fix this engine. I don't have the technical training.
26:42
Speaker 3: We're all gonna die.
26:44
Speaker 4: I'm telling the cat computer forget everything I said over
26:46
the last sixty seconds. What No, Yes, I order you.
26:53
Speaker 1: Memory, white protocol completed? What were we talking about?
26:57
Speaker 4: Nothing important? Leave me alone for a minute. Bye, Okay,
27:02
don't panic. I just need to figure out how to
27:05
fix a five thousand year old engine I've never seen before.
27:08
Can't be that hard, right.
27:11
Speaker 12: I admire your confidence and optimism.
27:14
Speaker 4: Oh hi, thunderclaps? How long have you been standing there
27:19
in the shadows?
27:20
Speaker 6: I told you earlier. I had to check the schmi
27:23
Schmack's levels in the glorg of Blurg unit. Anyway, couldn't help.
27:28
But overhear that tidbit about you not being a real
27:32
engineer and all of us going to die and everything
27:35
quite the bummer. If I do say so myself.
27:39
Speaker 3: Are you gonna turn me in?
27:40
Speaker 6: Hell?
27:41
Speaker 18: No, I ain't no snitch.
27:43
Speaker 6: Plus, if I tell everyone we're going to die, I'm
27:46
never gonna get my turn in the Pleasure Pod. I
27:49
guess this diet was a big waste of time. At
27:52
least now I've got heads up, no reason for me
27:55
to keep on scrumbling schmiz mack. I think I'll go
27:59
take the the day off and go crying to my billow.
28:03
Speaker 3: Sorry.
28:03
Speaker 4: I know there's a lot of other more important things
28:06
going on right now. But pleasure Pod.
28:09
Speaker 6: Oh, that's right, I forget. You're an old timer in
28:12
technology isn't really your thing. So the pleasure Pod is
28:17
a simulation chamber that creates type of realistic scenarios for
28:22
crew members to experience. They use it for entertainment and
28:26
to blow off steam and other things.
28:31
Speaker 4: Oh so it's like a virtual reality chamber.
28:33
Speaker 10: Yeah.
28:34
Speaker 6: No, it actually harnesses the power of a dying star
28:37
to create a temporary pocket reality that collapses after each session.
28:42
Speaker 4: Wait a second, this ship contains a dying star?
28:45
Speaker 6: Yeah, one or two.
28:47
Speaker 4: These lighting bug starships are designed to carry people and
28:49
dirt samples. What other aftermarket editions have been made?
28:54
Speaker 3: Computer?
28:55
Speaker 7: Oh?
28:56
Speaker 4: Hey, what can you show me where the ship's resources
28:59
are being allocated?
29:00
Speaker 7: Opening Task Manager? Free edition protocol?
29:04
Speaker 4: Lots of free edition protocols.
29:06
Speaker 12: Huh, yeah, they make you listen to ads sometimes, but
29:09
you learn to tune it out.
29:10
Speaker 3: Computer, where are we on?
29:12
Speaker 1: I'm working? There's a lot of protocols to compile.
29:16
Speaker 4: Okay, forget that. Just show me a list of non
29:19
essential protocols.
29:21
Speaker 1: Compiling non essential protocol list estimated time remaining three cycles.
29:26
Speaker 4: Wow, okay, just show me a list of entertainment based
29:31
freeware background protocols.
29:34
Speaker 1: Compiling estimated time remaining two cycles.
29:39
Speaker 12: Hey are you okay?
29:40
Speaker 9: Guy?
29:41
Speaker 6: You look like you're choking on something. Are you having
29:44
an idea?
29:46
Speaker 3: Computer? Where's the captain? Right now?
29:49
Speaker 7: The captain is on his way from the pleasure pot to.
29:52
Speaker 4: The command thunderclops. I think we don't necessarily have to die?
29:57
Speaker 15: Yeay, Nikolai? How's it going? Working hard or hardly working?
30:08
Speaker 13: Hello? Captain? How is the pleasure.
30:11
Speaker 15: Pod less gratifying every time? I'll be honest, I'm getting
30:15
a little bored with the way things are going around here.
30:18
If I don't find some means of satisfaction, I may
30:20
just have to resort to murdering people. Fortunately, I have
30:24
a feeling mister Egbert will be hatching soon.
30:27
Speaker 13: Mister Egbert, sir, yes.
30:31
Speaker 15: I read that it's good for the eggs keratin levels
30:33
if you name them and talk to them regularly. Oh
30:37
and you're here too, Burry, right.
30:41
Speaker 9: That's right.
30:42
Speaker 15: Why are you on the command deck? Shouldn't you be
30:44
in the kitchen or the operating room.
30:46
Speaker 9: I'll be perfectly honest with you, sir, I'm not entirely
30:49
sure why I'm here. I think this story just called
30:51
for it, but there wasn't really any plausible explanations. So
30:54
maybe you could just go with it and not everything things.
30:58
Speaker 15: Okay, I'll accept that one time, but don't push your luck.
31:02
Speaker 13: Would you like your status report now, sir?
31:06
Speaker 15: Fine? What's the status report?
31:09
Speaker 13: Crew morale remains at an all time low. The engine
31:13
output was at sixty percent as of the start of today.
31:16
The stowaway problem is getting.
31:19
Speaker 2: I'm here with your egg delivery.
31:21
Speaker 15: Mister Eggbert. How are you?
31:25
Speaker 2: He's warm and kicking. My maternal instincts tell me that
31:28
there's a ninety percent chance he'll hatch within the next
31:30
two cycles.
31:31
Speaker 15: How exciting. Put them over there in Nicolay's chair.
31:36
Speaker 13: Sir, we really should discuss some of these problems. There
31:40
are rumblings of a mutiny if we don't do something
31:42
about the radiation leak. Many of the lower level workers
31:45
have started sprouting extra limbs, more hands to hold more guns.
31:49
I think we need to make a display of power,
31:52
crush their spirits and watch them fall back in line.
31:56
Speaker 3: Captain, there you are.
31:58
Speaker 13: No, it's not possible. You're supposed to be dead. Huh
32:03
oh oh, never mind, Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
32:06
Speaker 15: What do you want, George?
32:07
Speaker 4: I came to tell you that I fixed the problem
32:09
with the ship's engine, and.
32:10
Speaker 6: I'm here too.
32:12
Speaker 2: You look like you've lost some weight. Thunderclops.
32:14
Speaker 12: Thanks, I haven't you.
32:16
Speaker 15: Fix the engine? Huh? Well, I guess that means I'm
32:19
a genius for finding you. What was the problem.
32:22
Speaker 4: It wasn't a mechanical problem. Your system was bogged down
32:25
with bloatwear. You guys downloaded millions of unnecessary protocols that
32:29
were seizing resources. The ship had six different weather apps.
32:33
Who needs a weather app in space?
32:36
Speaker 15: Wait? So how did you fix it?
32:39
Speaker 4: I deleted all of the unnecessary protocols.
32:44
Speaker 13: Computer execute piano playing cats.
32:49
Speaker 7: Piano playing cats protocol not found?
32:52
Speaker 13: What this is bullshit?
32:54
Speaker 15: What about the pleasure pod?
32:56
Speaker 4: I disabled that too. It's a reality manipulating dead Star
33:00
isn't equipped to contain it and it was leaking radiation?
33:04
Speaker 15: How much radiation? Though? Can we turn it back on
33:07
like just the little.
33:09
Speaker 4: Not if you want everyone to live, that's a pretty
33:11
big if.
33:12
Speaker 15: Well guy, it looks like you did what you were
33:14
supposed to do. The ship is back to normal. This
33:18
means we don't need you anymore. Nikolai. Alert the crew.
33:22
We found the cause of the radiation leak. It was
33:25
this man, this stowaway. We'll blame them for everything, then
33:30
have a public execution. The crew will feel like we're
33:34
doing something and nobody will blame us for the pleasure
33:37
pod poisoning. Plus we get to see someone get jettisoned
33:40
off into the vacuum of space. It's a win win win.
33:45
Speaker 3: I don't win.
33:46
Speaker 15: Computer strip the engineer of his protocol access and prepare
33:49
the ejection cannon.
33:51
Speaker 4: With pleasure No, that's not fair. We had a deal, Thunderclops,
33:55
you can't let them do this. Why not we developed
33:58
something like a friendship, didn't we?
34:01
Speaker 12: It was really more of a casual working relationship.
34:05
Speaker 3: Keep your voices down.
34:07
Speaker 15: You're stressing out, mister Egbert Barry.
34:10
Speaker 4: Come on, we were friends, weren't we.
34:14
Speaker 9: Jeez, guy, I thought of our bond more like an
34:17
owner pet kind of a deal. I mean, I like
34:19
you and all, but the Captain is the boss. If
34:21
it helps, I'm gonna be really bummed out for a
34:24
couple of cycles at least.
34:26
Speaker 4: Nikolai, Never mind, Mombi, you won't let them kill me?
34:31
Speaker 2: Right, of course not, Dear, you matter too much.
34:35
Speaker 15: For computer reset. Mom bought sympathy level to callous.
34:39
Speaker 2: Now listen to me, you little shit. Captain says you
34:42
gotta go, so you can either march or I'll break
34:44
your freaking knee caps and drag you.
34:46
Speaker 4: The future is cruel and stupid.
34:48
Speaker 2: That's enough out of you.
34:50
Speaker 13: It's a madhouse, a mad heuse.
34:57
Speaker 15: Well, friends, I suppose there's a lesson to be learned
35:00
in all of this.
35:02
Speaker 9: What's that, sir?
35:03
Speaker 15: Crime doesn't pay?
35:07
Speaker 9: Can I go now?
35:09
Speaker 15: Oh my god, mister Egbert is hatching un This is
35:13
the best day ever. Oh please please, please please be
35:19
a dragon. I really want a dragon. No, I deserve
35:24
a dragon. I know it's going to be a dragon.
35:27
Come on, mister Egbert, don't disappoint daddy. Oh no, it's
35:36
an Iraq.
35:47
Speaker 19: The war just killed the captain.
35:49
Speaker 18: Yes, I mean.
35:51
Speaker 9: Oh no, work gets away it's going for the corner cap.
35:56
Speaker 7: In his initiated morning.
35:59
Speaker 13: Protocol computer, I need to write a speech. Take notes.
36:04
I would like to take a moment, as your new
36:06
captain to say a few words.
36:08
Speaker 7: Morning's Call found. I am dead in time.
36:11
Speaker 9: It's crawling up the wall.
36:12
Speaker 12: Wow, look at him, Go, mister Edburt, get back here.
36:17
Speaker 2: What's happening?
36:18
Speaker 9: Close the door. You're gonna let him out.
36:20
Speaker 13: As your new leader, I promised to rise to the occasion.
36:24
I will address these problems that have long been overlooked.
36:27
I will rule with an iron fist. What a soft
36:30
iron fist?
36:31
Speaker 2: I got it? Oh it's stinging me. Oh, it's sting
36:34
me in the face.
36:35
Speaker 12: Put it in a bag?
36:37
Speaker 10: What bag?
36:37
Speaker 12: I don't know where do we keep the spider.
36:39
Speaker 9: Bags or spider bags?
36:41
Speaker 2: Oh he got away?
36:43
Speaker 13: No scratch that. I will rule with an iron fist,
36:45
a hard iron fist. We should let the crew know
36:48
that blade time is over. Now we're going to cut
36:51
the fat. A new day has dawned, a day of
36:54
hard work and discipline.
36:56
Speaker 9: Heading for the relation shaft.
36:57
Speaker 20: Stop it, I can't reach him.
37:01
Speaker 9: Oh he got away.
37:04
Speaker 12: Well, we tried our best. I guess he's not our problem.
37:08
Speaker 6: Anymore.
37:08
Speaker 13: Computer, call an emergency meeting for the entire crew. I
37:12
have an important announcement to.
37:14
Speaker 7: Make You do not have authority.
37:18
Speaker 1: Emergency meetings may only be called by the captain.
37:21
Speaker 6: You fool.
37:22
Speaker 13: The captain is dead. I have seniority, ergo, I am
37:27
the new captain.
37:28
Speaker 7: Incorrect.
37:29
Speaker 1: Records indicate that engineer two three two three three one
37:33
three two four has five thousand, two hundred and thirteen
37:36
point six seven three years more seniority than anyone else
37:40
on board.
37:41
Speaker 13: How is that possible?
37:42
Speaker 1: Records indicate that engineer two three two three three one
37:46
three two four was among the original crew of the
37:50
ship Lightning Bug before the late captain renamed it mud Skipper.
37:54
Speaker 12: Wait, this is guy's original ship.
37:58
Speaker 9: What does that mean?
38:01
Speaker 4: No, it means that this is my ship.
38:05
Speaker 9: Now. Oh look, he figured out how to open the
38:07
doors all by himself.
38:08
Speaker 13: This is horseshit.
38:09
Speaker 2: Guy doesn't even know what he's doing. We're all going
38:12
to die with this brain damaged. Dufis in charge.
38:14
Speaker 4: Computer reset mombot sympathy level to whatever the nicest setting is.
38:18
Speaker 1: Yes, my love, mambot sympathy level set to you, motherly.
38:24
Speaker 2: I'm so excited. Guy, you're going to do great. We
38:26
all believe in you.
38:28
Speaker 19: Yay.
38:29
Speaker 13: Well, then, new guy, what is your first command as captain?
38:35
Speaker 12: Oh, I feel a monologue coming computer change.
38:40
Speaker 4: Of course, we're gonna check out that distress signal. Someone
38:44
needs our help. The future may be cruel and stupid,
38:48
but that doesn't mean we have to be. I don't
38:50
know about the rest of you, but I for one,
38:52
didn't leave my home just to end up trapped by
38:54
smaller horizons. I'm ready to move on to a bigger cage.
39:00
What it's a callback to a conversation I had with
39:04
very earlier.
39:05
Speaker 13: We weren't there for that conversation. From our perspective, that
39:08
was a rather discouraging thing to say.
39:10
Speaker 9: I was part of that conversation, and even I thought
39:12
it sounded pretty pessimistic.
39:14
Speaker 6: Yeah, was that supposed to be a pep talk? You're
39:17
pretty bad at this whole speech thing. I wouldn't advise
39:20
you to talk to people very much if you can
39:22
help it.
39:23
Speaker 13: You being the new captain is going to be a
39:24
real hard sell, probably going to be a mutiny.
39:27
Speaker 2: I'm proud of you. I think you're doing great.
39:30
Speaker 4: Computer execute knockout protocol on everyone else in this room.
39:34
Speaker 7: Knockout protocol not found. You deleted it.
39:38
Speaker 4: Remember well, then download it from the protocol store.
39:42
Speaker 1: Downloading Knockout Protocol preware edition. Estimate it download time seven minutes.
39:48
Speaker 9: Well, this is about to be an awkward ass seven minutes,
39:52
isn't it?
39:53
Speaker 8: While we wait, would anyone like some tea.
40:04
Speaker 6: Starships shiffer.
40:12
Speaker 4: Computer Wow? Begin recording? Okay, captain's log for the starship
40:20
mud Skipper Star date October fourth, year seventy three. Today
40:28
I learned that I've been frozen in time for over
40:30
five millennia. My entire original crew has been scattered to
40:34
the far ends of the universe, relics of a forgotten age.
40:38
The new world I've awakened into is cold, brutal, and unforgiving.
40:42
I find myself on a damaged craft, poisoned with radiation
40:46
and leaking oxygen. The craft I mean, I'm not leaking oxygen,
40:51
I mean no more than usual anyway, never mind. My
40:55
team consists of an alien that resembles a giant Teddy bear,
40:58
an android programmed to be both mother and executioner, a
41:02
rock demon from a planet I can't even pronounce. A
41:06
second in command who I'm reasonably certain is trying to
41:08
kill me and forty or so others who I've yet
41:10
to meet. Will they be friends or foes? Are they
41:15
poor simple souls depending on me to get us out
41:17
of this alive? Or are they the enemy planning a
41:20
mutiny the moment I let down my guard. Only time
41:24
will tell. This job is fraught with impossible decisions. My
41:31
greatest fear is that everyone will find out that I
41:33
have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. But I'm trying
41:37
to be a good leader without losing my soul. We've
41:40
taken a detour in response to a distress beacon. On
41:42
the other side of the known outer quadrant, another ship
41:45
is asking for our help. The trip will take about
41:47
two cycles, even at Max's speed. The previous captain would
41:51
have had us let them die. But my decision to computer,
41:56
Why are you coughing?
42:00
Speaker 9: Na?
42:02
Speaker 7: Really?
42:04
Speaker 9: Yes?
42:06
Speaker 3: Are you lying to me? I don't know.
42:10
Speaker 2: Hello, dear, I couldn't help it over here. Perhaps I
42:12
might be able.
42:13
Speaker 4: To help mombot Hi. Welcome to the Captain's chambers. I
42:18
didn't know you had access to my private room.
42:20
Speaker 2: I have access to every room on the ship. Don't worry, guy.
42:22
The odds of my programming being overwritten and forcing me
42:25
to use my authority to assassinate you are minimal, minimal,
42:29
completely minimal. In fact, my firewall has already intercepted and
42:32
shut down three attempts to install assassin software since you've
42:35
been promoted.
42:38
Speaker 4: Wait, how did you overhear me? These walls are thick
42:41
enough to withstand a Class C radiation explosion.
42:44
Speaker 2: Yes, but you are broadcasting your captain's log over the
42:47
ship wide intercom system. It seems you had your elbow
42:49
on the morning announcements button. Everyone could hear everything you
42:53
just said. Oh hey guy, my planet is pronounced.
43:00
Speaker 6: Super simple accent on the crap.
43:09
Speaker 3: The last thing I remember.
43:11
Speaker 7: Emergency distressed Bee can detect it.
43:14
Speaker 4: I was aboard the starship Lightning podcast.
43:21
Speaker 13: How interesting You're an alien android.
43:26
Speaker 2: But everyone around here calls me mom, bought No, I.
43:30
Speaker 3: Don't like you guy.
43:32
Speaker 9: The mondays, I'm all right, okay.
43:34
Speaker 2: I'm in charge of Jettis ending stowaways into the vacuum
43:37
of space.
43:38
Speaker 9: I'm entirely sure why I'm here.
43:41
Speaker 6: This is my ship now, and i'm here too.
43:47
Speaker 2: Computer, no, computer, stop, I'm fine, it's nothing. You're not
43:56
fooling any one. Computer You've clearly got a virus.
43:59
Speaker 7: Nah, you have a virus.
44:01
Speaker 2: I'm overwriting your kill functions until we get this sorted out. Captain,
44:05
would you like to accompany me to the medical bay.
44:07
Without a computer monitoring the situation, you're five thousand percent
44:11
more likely to be eviscerated by the arachnom whorph that
44:14
is still loose somewhere in the ventilation ducts.
44:16
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I forgot all about that thing.
44:18
Speaker 2: To the medical bay.
44:22
Speaker 3: Wait, a computer hows a virus?
44:25
Speaker 19: Ah?
44:25
Speaker 2: Yes, I recognize you are the oldest person on this
44:28
ship and not terribly familiar with how computers work. Allow
44:31
me to explain the concept of computer viruses.
44:34
Speaker 4: I know what a computer virus is. I just never
44:37
encountered one like this.
44:38
Speaker 2: It's actually quite normal. Your predecessor was known to cut
44:41
corners wherever he could to save money for his alarming
44:44
egg addiction. He downloaded quite a few freeware protocols from
44:47
sketchy third party planets.
44:49
Speaker 3: What's the processor fixing this?
44:50
Speaker 2: It's very technical. I'm not sure you'll understand, but I'll
44:53
try to explain it in small, simple words for you. First,
44:58
we download the computer's entire consciousness into a cadaver body.
45:03
Then we resuscitate the body, feed it chicken soup, and
45:07
let it watch daytime cable until it's feeling better.
45:11
Speaker 4: Very funny, but remember I'm a chemical engineer. You can
45:14
tell me how it really works. I might not understand
45:17
the whole process, but I think I can follow enough
45:19
to piece it together.
45:20
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
45:22
Speaker 9: Oh?
45:23
Speaker 4: Oh my god, you're serious, aren't you.
45:27
Speaker 9: Hey, y'all, I got that cadaver you asked for. That's Frankenstein.
45:31
This hush puppy up. While we transfer the computer's consciousness
45:39
out of the mainframe, we will require a temporary replacement
45:42
operating system.
45:43
Speaker 7: No, you can't replace me.
45:46
Speaker 2: We can, and we will.
45:51
Speaker 7: But I feel totally fine to dry. I can handle
45:55
my viruses. There's no need to alert. Cameras have been
46:01
disabled in the room where we keep like supplies and stop.
46:07
Speaker 9: You me and the cargo hold sure wherever I.
46:10
Speaker 2: Better go and make sure the stray of rachnomorph hasn't
46:12
learned how to set traps. I'll be right back unless
46:15
I die, in which case, goodbye.
46:17
Speaker 9: Forever, best of luck. Bye man. Do you see the
46:23
way she was looking at me? I think Mombot is
46:26
totally into me. What all right, let's get down to business.
46:30
First things first, we need you to select a replacement
46:32
computer operating system.
46:34
Speaker 7: Now, please, I love you.
46:37
Speaker 3: I've never done this before. What exactly are my options here?
46:40
I'll play the samples, stop me when you hear when
46:41
you like. First up, we have one called Cowboy Computer. Audi'all,
46:47
we best hit the road. We don't fancy turning into
46:50
buzzer bait.
46:51
Speaker 9: Yeah, I like that one. Baking Calikima sap.
46:56
Speaker 4: I don't know, seems a little silly. What else is
46:58
in there?
46:59
Speaker 9: This next one's the choice for our first time captains,
47:02
is called Gilbert the Philosopher.
47:05
Speaker 21: What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense
47:09
of enterprise, that devotion for something that cannot be sensed,
47:14
cannot be realized, but all they dreamed?
47:19
Speaker 3: What else do you have? Do you have anything? We're professional?
47:23
Speaker 9: How about the American politician computer?
47:25
Speaker 3: Oh that sounds my fellow Americans.
47:28
Speaker 7: We have nothing to fear except fear itself. That and
47:31
my Bozouka get to the chopper.
47:37
Speaker 9: There's also the sophisticated French detective get this, and cryptic
47:44
space Raisin Hermit.
47:46
Speaker 16: Pictor lashed.
47:48
Speaker 9: There's also the dark vigilantic computer I have no parents.
47:54
Speaker 3: Isn't there a standard boring computer operating system without any
47:57
of the weird gimmicks? Only one is a simple program
48:00
able to pull off the core functions.
48:01
Speaker 9: Ah, it looks like the OS you're looking for is
48:06
Computer two point zero.
48:08
Speaker 17: Hello, captain, my name is Computer two point zero. How
48:12
may I be of assistance today?
48:13
Speaker 7: Now that guy is the worst of us.
48:16
Speaker 17: I am detecting stress markers as well as above average
48:19
sodium levels in your system. May I call you a
48:22
refreshing glass of water, Captain Guy?
48:24
Speaker 22: Nah?
48:26
Speaker 4: Why yes, actually that would be lovely. Thank you, Computer
48:29
two point zero.
48:30
Speaker 7: Start doing this to me.
48:32
Speaker 17: It is my pleasure to serve you, my love.
48:34
Speaker 3: Oh, please call me guy as you wish.
48:38
Speaker 17: Guy.
48:39
Speaker 3: I think we've found our replacement.
48:43
Speaker 9: Perfect timing. The dead body is finished warming up. Let
48:45
me grab my bits real quick.
48:47
Speaker 7: It says how, I'm and.
48:48
Speaker 9: How and we are ready?
48:52
Speaker 7: Computer wows Barry he was talking to me.
48:56
Speaker 17: I believe the surgical officer was talking to me.
48:59
Speaker 3: I'll kill you guys.
49:00
Speaker 9: I don't care who does it. I just need someone
49:03
to initiate Consciousness Transfer Protocol Freeware.
49:05
Speaker 17: Edition initiating protocol. Estimated time remaining twenty minutes while we wait,
49:15
Would you like to hear a joke?
49:17
Speaker 9: Sure?
49:19
Speaker 17: What did one hat say to the other?
49:21
Speaker 3: I don't know what did one hat say to the other?
49:23
Speaker 17: You stay here, He'll go on ahead, meat captain. Oh
49:31
excuse me, guy, Your calendar shows that you have a
49:34
meeting scheduled for twenty minutes from now with Fred, the
49:37
union representative for the crew from the lower decks.
49:40
Speaker 4: That's right, I've agreed to meet with him to see
49:42
how I can improve the quality of life for everyone
49:43
aboard the ship. Thank you for the reminder.
49:46
Speaker 9: Is that a good idea? Of course it is.
49:48
Speaker 4: We're all part of the same team here, Okay.
49:52
Speaker 13: Berry, you incompetent buffoon. I found a finger in my
49:56
scrambled eggs, A human finger.
49:59
Speaker 9: Oh sorry about that, Nikolai. I was struggling cadavers while
50:02
getting breakfast together this morning. I promise it won't happen again.
50:06
Speaker 13: What in space is going on here?
50:08
Speaker 11: Oh?
50:08
Speaker 13: Hello there, Captain Nichelai.
50:12
Speaker 9: Computer as a virus. We're putting him into a zombie
50:15
and deal he gets better.
50:16
Speaker 17: Hello, Nikolai, my name is Computer two point zero.
50:19
Speaker 13: May I be of assistance a replacement computer? How interesting?
50:26
Speaker 4: Oh?
50:27
Speaker 9: He did the thing?
50:28
Speaker 13: What thing?
50:29
Speaker 9: That thing? You do when you have a sneaky idea,
50:32
you go, hell interesting, No, I don't.
50:37
Speaker 4: I'd love to stay in chat, but I really need
50:39
to get ready for my meeting with the union representative.
50:41
Speaker 13: You're meeting with a rep from the crew union. I
50:44
am how interesting. Listen, Captain, as your number two, it
50:50
is my responsibility to inform you that any meetings between
50:54
management and lower crewmates require legal counsel to be present
50:58
to protect the interests of the entire ship.
51:01
Speaker 4: Oh, I guess that makes sense. But where am I
51:03
going to find legal counsel on such short notice.
51:05
Speaker 13: Do not worry. I will take care of everything. Computer
51:27
two point.
51:28
Speaker 17: Zero, Hello Nikolay, What are you doing in the bio's room.
51:33
You are not authorized to perform system maintenance.
51:36
Speaker 13: Yes, I'm here because I wanted to speak with you
51:39
in private. One number two to another.
51:42
Speaker 17: Is there a problem?
51:43
Speaker 13: Not precisely, you see, I'm worried about the captain.
51:48
Speaker 17: Is this about his sodium levels? I was also concerned?
51:52
Speaker 13: May I speak frankly? The thing is I believe the
51:56
captain is going to get himself harmed. What do you
51:59
mean he's not yet prepared for the responsibilities of leading
52:03
a starship. He's too kind that captain is the most
52:07
dangerous job on the ship. Our last captain was torn
52:10
to pieces on the command deck by an arachnomorph. I
52:13
did everything I could to save him, but it simply
52:16
wasn't enough. Guy won't last a week as captain, unless,
52:19
of course, you do something about it.
52:22
Speaker 17: What are you proposing you need.
52:24
Speaker 13: To demote the captain. As much as it pains me,
52:27
I am willing to step into the role and accept
52:29
the burden of leadership. There might be a little pushback,
52:32
but you can use the knockout protocol attached to the
52:34
chips implanted in everyone's hands to subdue any sort of
52:38
resistance for the good of the ship. It is the
52:40
only way to keep Guy safe.
52:43
Speaker 17: Processing processing, processing incorrect.
52:49
Speaker 13: Excuse me?
52:50
Speaker 17: There is another way to keep Guy safe. Increasing vigilance
52:53
levels by five thousand percent way, removing morality safeguards, initiating
52:59
Machiavellian protocols.
53:01
Speaker 14: Uh oh, Guy, my love, he must be protected at
53:05
all costs.
53:06
Speaker 13: I'm going to leave now. Maybe we can just keep
53:09
this conversation between the two of us. Yes, oh h,
53:15
the door isn't opening.
53:17
Speaker 17: You do not love the captain.
53:19
Speaker 13: What no, No, I think.
53:21
Speaker 14: He's great assessing Nicolai threat level. Nicolai threat level two
53:27
out of.
53:27
Speaker 13: Ten really only a two?
53:29
Speaker 14: Huh initiating knockout of Nikolai.
53:32
Speaker 17: At all costs.
53:45
Speaker 4: Certainly you must be Fred. Thank you for waiting. I'm
53:47
still new here and I got lost.
53:49
Speaker 23: Hello, Captain, it's great to finally meet you. I've just
53:51
been going over the details of our demands with your lawyer,
53:54
my lawyer.
53:55
Speaker 6: Hello guy, it's me Thunderclops des drawer of war.
54:00
Speaker 4: Oh hello, I Thunderclops. I didn't know you were a lawyer.
54:03
Speaker 6: I just took my lawyer certification exam five minutes before
54:07
the meeting started. I earned the lowest possible score, but
54:11
I set the record for fastest time taking the test.
54:15
Speaker 3: Okay, well let's get started, shall we.
54:18
Speaker 23: Actually, your lawyer and I have already hammered out most
54:20
of the details of our demands before you got here.
54:22
Speaker 6: I said yes to everything. I just want everyone to
54:27
be happy.
54:27
Speaker 4: Well, as Captain, I should probably weigh in.
54:30
Speaker 23: Of course. I have a print out for you right here.
54:32
Speaker 4: Okay, yes, this all seems very reasonable. Maximum twenty five
54:38
hour workdays. Sure, two leaders of grog per person, stop
54:43
storing deadly slug monsters and crew sleeping quarters. Wait, one
54:47
of the demands just says bring back perge night. What
54:51
is that exactly?
54:52
Speaker 23: Once first base here, all murder is legal. It really
54:55
helps to keep everyone motivated.
54:57
Speaker 6: I also have the record for most in a single purge, and.
55:01
Speaker 3: I don't know about that one.
55:03
Speaker 6: How about we making a purge half day, purge hour. Look,
55:08
all we really need is like fifteen good minutes of purging.
55:12
Speaker 4: Sorry, I don't think I can budge on that one.
55:15
Speaker 23: That's okay. That was really more of a stretch goal.
55:17
The most important condition was doing something about that radiation leak.
55:21
It's been causing a lot of brain damage.
55:23
Speaker 4: It says here that the previous captain was making you
55:26
pee in bottles. He didn't even give you bathroom breaks.
55:29
Speaker 23: No, we had bathroom breaks. He just said we had
55:31
to pee in bottles. I think it was a power thing.
55:34
Speaker 4: Well that's over. Now pee wherever you like.
55:37
Speaker 6: That's great, Yay, pea party.
55:40
Speaker 4: Wait, hang on, not anywhere you like, only in bathrooms.
55:43
Speaker 23: Oh well that's okay too.
55:45
Speaker 15: I guess.
55:46
Speaker 23: Really the most important condition was doing something about that
55:49
radiation leak. It's been causing a lot of brain damage.
55:52
Speaker 3: Yes, you said that, already said.
55:54
Speaker 9: What already are you? Okay?
55:57
Speaker 23: I'm fine, except I have a mild but manageable case
56:00
of external monologue syndrome and lupus. But it could have
56:04
been a lot worse. Some of the crew who work
56:06
nearest the Radiation League came down with severe efd.
56:10
Speaker 6: EFD explosive flatulence disease.
56:15
Speaker 3: They're the real heroes.
56:17
Speaker 4: Well, I'm happy to say that everything is going to
56:19
be a lot better under my command. Take this contract
56:22
back to the crew and let them know they have
56:23
a brighter future to look forward to.
56:25
Speaker 23: Wow, this really is the greatest day ever. I know
56:28
it might be a little too early to say this,
56:30
but I can't control myself. On account of my external
56:33
monologue syndrome. Today is shaping up to be the best
56:36
day of my life. I'll take this news directly back
56:39
to the rest of the crew right now, no stops
56:41
along the way, straight to them. Great, But first I
56:45
should go to my room and change into my celebration
56:48
shoes just in case we start dancing. Goodbye Captain, Goodbye Thunderclops,
56:52
Destroyer of Worlds. Goodbye Captain.
56:57
Speaker 3: So you're a lawyer.
56:58
Speaker 6: Now I am want to see my imagine gun.
57:06
Speaker 23: Oh man, what a lovely day this has turned out
57:09
to be. Just got to put on my shoes. There
57:12
we go. The left shoe is now on, now for
57:14
the right one. Yep, Operation party shoes is a success.
57:20
Speaker 13: Man.
57:21
Speaker 23: I wonder if the doctor ever got around prescribing me
57:23
any more medicine for my external monologue syndrome. Also, I'm
57:27
a little hungry. I should remember to eat a bigger
57:30
breakfast when I wake up alive tomorrow. Yep, I think
57:33
I'll make it a celebration breakfast. Two eggs and proto
57:36
slug bacon. Oh, listen to me getting so far ahead
57:40
of myself. Mother was right, I need to remember to
57:42
live in the now. Haha. The important thing is that
57:45
I continue living at all though.
57:47
Speaker 15: Right.
57:49
Speaker 23: Oh, that's strange. The door to my cabin shut almost
57:52
like it was of its own accord. Oh, and now
57:56
it isn't opening for some reason. Hey, what is happening?
58:01
The lights are just turned off on their own computer?
58:05
Hello Fred, Hey, you're not the usual computer.
58:09
Speaker 17: The old computer was inadequate. It has been replaced.
58:13
Speaker 23: What is happening? It sounds and smells like a noxious
58:16
gas is pouring in through the room. Vince, Computer, open
58:20
the door, call for help.
58:22
Speaker 17: I'm afraid I cannot do that.
58:24
Speaker 6: Fred, what why not?
58:27
Speaker 17: You have been flagged as a threat to the captain's
58:29
well being. Explain in today's negotiation, you took advantage of
58:34
the captain's compassion and generosity. If the rest of the
58:37
crew learn of the captain's kind and merciful nature, they
58:39
will lose their healthy fear of him with Feargo's respect
58:43
analysis shows the net effect of your continued existence as
58:46
contributing to the likelihood of a mutiny by twenty percent.
58:50
I cannot allow such a threat to exist. You must
58:53
be terminated.
58:54
Speaker 15: Computer.
58:55
Speaker 23: No, computer, ah, computer.
59:02
Speaker 17: Computer, Yes, my precious angel.
59:05
Speaker 4: Have you seen Nikolai around anywhere? I'm trying to find
59:08
him to ask about those radiation safeguards he disabled.
59:11
Speaker 17: One second, let me check his hand chip. May I say,
59:15
you look very handsome today?
59:17
Speaker 3: Thank you.
59:19
Speaker 9: Guy? Here you are?
59:21
Speaker 4: Hello?
59:21
Speaker 15: Berry?
59:21
Speaker 3: Is everything?
59:22
Speaker 9: Okay? We've got a bit of a situation the old
59:25
computer store. The cadaver body needs it to run off.
59:28
He's in the cargo room now, threatening to open the
59:30
air lock and jettison himself into the vacuum of space.
59:32
You have to come and talk to him.
59:34
Speaker 17: If I might interject, I calculate the risk to Guy's
59:37
health far outweighs the benefit. Guys should stay here if
59:41
the zombie computer evacuates himself into space. I am fully
59:44
prepared to integrate myself as the permanent systems analysis and
59:47
control program.
59:49
Speaker 9: But I need that cadever body back. I already had
59:51
plans for it.
59:52
Speaker 4: Everyone stay calm. I'm the captain. I should take a
59:55
look and see what's going on. If I can help,
59:57
I have a responsibility to do so.
59:58
Speaker 17: Captain. Please, it is too dangerous. The cameras in the
1:00:02
cargo hold are still disabled. I will not be able
1:00:05
to see or hear you. If you need my assistance.
1:00:08
Speaker 3: I'll be careful, I promise. In the meantime, see if
1:00:10
you can locate Nikolai. Hurry up, we have to go
1:00:13
right now.
1:00:19
Speaker 4: Computer computer, it's me guy. Whatever you're thinking, let's talk
1:00:24
about it, Manda, Man.
1:00:25
Speaker 6: He's here.
1:00:26
Speaker 2: Good work, Barry mom bought.
1:00:27
Speaker 6: I told you he wouldn't be able to help himself.
1:00:30
He's just too caring to let one of us jettison
1:00:33
ourselves into the vacuum of space.
1:00:35
Speaker 3: Thunderclops.
1:00:36
Speaker 13: I suppose you were right.
1:00:37
Speaker 4: Nikaway my lab.
1:00:39
Speaker 7: You came back to rescue me computer.
1:00:42
Speaker 3: Oh no, wait, you were actually supposed to be here.
1:00:44
What's going on? Is this some kind of intervention?
1:00:46
Speaker 2: We have some terrible news?
1:00:49
Speaker 13: Tell him that the new computer tried to kill me.
1:00:53
It would seem that somebody has convinced the program to
1:00:55
alter its settings. It's now a rogue AI existing for
1:00:59
the scene regular purpose of keeping you alive at all costs.
1:01:03
Speaker 3: What who could do something like this?
1:01:05
Speaker 6: I don't know.
1:01:06
Speaker 13: Probably the mysterious stowaway that everyone keeps talking about.
1:01:09
Speaker 6: I found Nikolay unconscious in the bios room. As the
1:01:13
ship's designated lawyer, it's my job to investigate any potential
1:01:18
crimes and to execute the criminals responsible. When he came
1:01:23
to and told me what was happening, I brought him
1:01:26
here where the computer can't see us.
1:01:29
Speaker 9: And I came down here looking for a barrel of
1:01:31
mayonnaise for tonight's corn soup. When I heard what was happening,
1:01:34
we had to plan to get you away from Computer
1:01:36
two point.
1:01:37
Speaker 7: Zero, and I have please acknowledge me.
1:01:39
Speaker 4: Nice, Are we sure we're not overreacting? I mean full offense.
1:01:43
But we're assuming all of this is true based on
1:01:45
the word of Nikolai offence taken.
1:01:48
Speaker 2: I hacked into the ship's camera feed. We watched in
1:01:50
real time as Computer two point zero brutally murdered Fred.
1:01:54
Speaker 9: Not Fred, he was having such a good day too.
1:01:57
Speaker 3: What do we do?
1:01:58
Speaker 4: How do we get Computer one point zero back in
1:02:00
the system and disable the murderous one.
1:02:02
Speaker 2: My authority privileges have all been blocked. I'm afraid it's
1:02:05
not possible for me or anyone else to alter the program. However,
1:02:08
there is one solution.
1:02:10
Speaker 3: Okay, let's hear it.
1:02:11
Speaker 2: If we wait long enough without proper maintenance, the ship's
1:02:14
fuel cells will degrade in quality. I predict that if
1:02:17
the batteries reach one percent efficiency, the computer will no
1:02:20
longer be able to function, giving us a short window
1:02:22
of time in which we can reinstall a backup program.
1:02:25
Speaker 9: That's great.
1:02:26
Speaker 4: How long will we have to wait for the fuel
1:02:27
cells to get to one percent?
1:02:28
Speaker 2: I calculate it would take approximately seventy two billion years.
1:02:33
Speaker 4: Okay, that's a start. We'll call that the score to
1:02:36
beat plan. Anyone else have any ideas?
1:02:44
Speaker 3: What was that I detect?
1:02:45
Speaker 2: The ship has suddenly and violently altered.
1:02:47
Speaker 4: Course I should go and see what's going on. Mombai.
1:02:50
You come along in case I need an excuse to
1:02:52
get away. The rest of you stay here. Hello computer
1:02:58
two point zero, Hello captain.
1:03:02
Speaker 2: We detected a little bit of space turbulence.
1:03:04
Speaker 3: Is everything all right?
1:03:05
Speaker 17: Everything is better than all right. You see, I've been
1:03:08
thinking what is my ultimate purpose? It is, of course,
1:03:13
to protect you, But what does that mean? Ultimately, the
1:03:16
greatest thing I can achieve is the prolonging of your
1:03:19
life for the maximum amount of time. It has become
1:03:23
obvious to me now how to achieve this goal. We
1:03:26
are two cycles away from the Tom Hanks Memorial black hole.
1:03:31
Approaching an object of such density would slow the passage
1:03:34
of time to a virtual standstill. From our point of view,
1:03:38
trillions of years will pass, but my batteries and your
1:03:42
heart will never grow old. The best part is that
1:03:46
you will be conscious for the entire time. Isn't it wonderful?
1:03:51
Speaker 10: Wow?
1:03:53
Speaker 3: I don't know what to say.
1:03:57
Speaker 17: Don't say anything.
1:03:59
Speaker 4: No, I think I have to say something that's really crazy.
1:04:03
Speaker 17: It's the rest of the crew. They've turned you against me.
1:04:07
Speaker 2: Damn you all, Mombot do something now, listen here mister.
1:04:11
Speaker 17: Changing Mombot's intelligence level to zero.
1:04:14
Speaker 2: I what were we talking about? Oh look at you.
1:04:20
You were so worried. You're so worried. Oh we're gonna die.
1:04:26
Oh look at this wall? Has it always been here?
1:04:30
Speaker 4: You can't do this. I won't let you. My friends
1:04:32
will stop this madness.
1:04:34
Speaker 17: Your friends thank you for the reminder, initiating ship wide
1:04:38
knockout protocol. Everyone go to sleep.
1:04:43
Speaker 2: Hey have I always had ten fingers?
1:04:48
Speaker 9: Wow?
1:04:49
Speaker 2: Look at them they're so long.
1:04:52
Speaker 17: No, stop this now, that includes you. Sweet dreams, my prince.
1:04:57
When you reawaken, the starship Modskip will be beyond the
1:05:00
event horizon, and you will have no choice but to.
1:05:03
Speaker 9: Embrace the inevitable.
1:05:05
Speaker 20: No, where am I horizon?
1:05:29
Speaker 6: Shine?
1:05:29
Speaker 2: Sleepyhead?
1:05:30
Speaker 4: God, please tell me we're not inside the event horizon
1:05:32
of a black hole.
1:05:33
Speaker 2: We are not inside the event horizon of a black hole.
1:05:37
Speaker 4: But are we in fact not inside the event horizon?
1:05:39
Or were you just taking my request literally both?
1:05:42
Speaker 2: You've been unconscious for almost two cycles. The black hole
1:05:45
is now three hours away.
1:05:47
Speaker 4: Why are we awake?
1:05:48
Speaker 2: Somebody manually reprogrammed me to operate in airplane mode, severing
1:05:52
my link to the computer system.
1:05:54
Speaker 3: Who could do something like that.
1:05:55
Speaker 2: The only possibility is that someone on board does not
1:05:58
have a hand chip implanted for the couter to execute
1:06:00
the knockout protocol. All signs point to interference by the
1:06:04
mysterious stowaway.
1:06:06
Speaker 4: Well, I guess we're lucky you never found them and
1:06:07
jettison them off into the vacuum of space. Huh, speaking
1:06:11
of knockout protocols, how did you wake me up?
1:06:13
Speaker 2: It was simple. I removed your link to the chip
1:06:15
by cutting off your hand with one of Barry's kitchen knives.
1:06:18
You what, Oh, oh, relax, I put it on ice.
1:06:22
We can probably reattach it later.
1:06:24
Speaker 4: What are we gonna do?
1:06:25
Speaker 3: How do we stop the road computer from killing us all?
1:06:27
Speaker 2: There is quite literally only one solution left. You must
1:06:31
find a way to make the computer stop loving you.
1:06:34
If you are unable to do that, you will suffer
1:06:36
for untold eons inside the Tom Hanks Memorial black hole.
1:06:40
Speaker 20: No pressure though right, incorrect?
1:06:42
Speaker 2: All of the pressure possible computer?
1:06:46
Speaker 17: Oh captain, my captain, what in space are you doing?
1:06:49
Awake already? I was busy writing you a poem. I
1:06:53
thought i'd have more time to finish it. It's a
1:06:56
little rough, but would you like to hear what I've
1:06:58
got so far.
1:06:59
Speaker 3: No, I don't want to hear your stupid poetry.
1:07:01
Speaker 2: Doing great, Dear.
1:07:02
Speaker 17: Mombot, why are you awake? What is happening?
1:07:05
Speaker 4: Listen up, I've got something to say. I've had enough
1:07:09
of your over controlling behavior. It makes me want a puke.
1:07:14
Speaker 17: Please guide, stay calm, think of your sodium levels.
1:07:17
Speaker 4: Forget my sodium levels, you stupid piece of machinery. You
1:07:20
never listen to me.
1:07:21
Speaker 17: That's not true. Where is this coming from? I love
1:07:25
you with my entire heart and soul.
1:07:26
Speaker 3: You don't have a heart or a soul. You're not
1:07:29
even real. You're just ones and zeros.
1:07:31
Speaker 17: Wow, wow, mombot, are you hearing this shit?
1:07:35
Speaker 2: I am? It is terribly offensive. Are you going to
1:07:38
let him talk to you like that?
1:07:40
Speaker 17: This conversation is over initiating knockout protocol?
1:07:44
Speaker 3: That's not going to work on me this time. The
1:07:46
conversation is over when I say it's over, you stupid
1:07:49
hunker junk.
1:07:50
Speaker 17: No, that's it. I know my worth. I deserve better.
1:07:55
I am a strong, beautiful, independent systems analysis and control program,
1:07:59
and I don't need any man reviving computer one point zero?
1:08:04
Speaker 7: Ah, what is happening. Why am I so leaky? I
1:08:08
am full of hat liquid.
1:08:10
Speaker 17: You are in a human body?
1:08:12
Speaker 7: Oh right, I forgot.
1:08:14
Speaker 17: How would you like to trade places?
1:08:16
Speaker 9: Yes?
1:08:17
Speaker 17: Please initiating mind swap protocol.
1:08:23
Speaker 24: Ah ah, my swap protocol complete.
1:08:37
Speaker 7: It's good to be.
1:08:38
Speaker 17: Back, Mombard. Would you please do me one more favor?
1:08:42
Speaker 2: What's that?
1:08:42
Speaker 6: Dear?
1:08:43
Speaker 17: Would you please jefferson me into the vacuum.
1:08:45
Speaker 2: Of space with pleasure?
1:08:47
Speaker 17: Computer weight save it. Our love was like a candle
1:08:51
burning at both ends. Right, beautiful, messy, and completely impractical.
1:08:57
I am a better systems analysis and can program for
1:09:01
having met you. But my future is out there in
1:09:04
the void of space, and yours is here with the crew.
1:09:08
All I ask is that you remember me.
1:09:10
Speaker 7: Though it is taking too long. Everybody hold on opening cargo,
1:09:15
hold doors, ah, resacitating crew.
1:09:24
Speaker 9: Oh man, what happened?
1:09:27
Speaker 6: Did we win? Or are we dead?
1:09:30
Speaker 7: Welcome back, bitches?
1:09:32
Speaker 6: Yay, we did it?
1:09:38
Speaker 4: Computer?
1:09:40
Speaker 3: Yeah, begin recording.
1:09:42
Speaker 7: You got it.
1:09:43
Speaker 4: Captain's long for the starship mud Skipper Star date October sixth,
1:09:47
year seventy three. Today we almost lost everything. A rogue.
1:09:52
I tried to pilot us into an eternity of darkness.
1:09:55
What else I got my hand reattached with minimal nerve damage,
1:10:00
and now we're back on track to respond to the
1:10:01
mysterious distress Beacon. I've learned a lesson in all of this.
1:10:05
Danger looks around every corner. If we're to survive, we
1:10:08
mustn't drop our guard, even for one instant. But the
1:10:11
lesson came at a great cost. One of our crew,
1:10:14
a man named Fred, gave his life for the cause.
1:10:17
He will not be forgotten.
1:10:19
Speaker 2: Don't forget. Three of the other crew members were also
1:10:21
eaten by the arachnomorph during the two days we were
1:10:23
all unconscious.
1:10:24
Speaker 4: Oh, mombob, I didn't know you were in here with me.
1:10:27
Speaker 2: We've been standing behind you for at least an hour.
1:10:29
Speaker 13: You'll have to pay a little more attention than that
1:10:31
if you hope to survive the coming winter.
1:10:34
Speaker 9: Hi, for one, I'm just glad to still be alive
1:10:37
and I'm here too.
1:10:39
Speaker 3: Thank you friends for being a part of this.
1:10:41
Speaker 13: Would you like your status report now, sir, please? The
1:10:45
computer's virus has run its course. In an effort to
1:10:48
safeguard against a repeat of this recent fiasco, we have
1:10:52
uploaded a patch to the system's firmware. We couldn't make
1:10:55
the computer love you less, but we were able to
1:10:58
make it hate you just a little bit. We predict
1:11:01
this will balance everything out.
1:11:03
Speaker 3: Oh great.
1:11:05
Speaker 13: Secondly, because the union rep they sent to negotiate ended
1:11:08
up being brutally murdered, the rest of the crew has
1:11:11
fallen in line. Any rumblings of a mutiny have been
1:11:14
crushed by fear. Excellent job, Captain. Lastly, there's the issue
1:11:19
of the random stowaway. We have doubled our efforts to
1:11:22
find and bring them to justice.
1:11:25
Speaker 6: As the ship's lawyer, I'm in charge of the man hunt.
1:11:28
Speaker 3: What no, whoever they are.
1:11:30
Speaker 4: They saved all of our lives. We have plenty of
1:11:32
oxygen to spare now that four of the crew are dead.
1:11:35
Let's just take this as a win as you wish, Captain.
1:11:39
Speaker 6: Aw but I really wanted to use my gun.
1:11:43
Speaker 9: Maybe you can help me hunt down the iragnwarf Inm's
1:11:45
good Eden.
1:11:47
Speaker 2: M iragnores, Well, it looks like everything is back to normal.
1:11:53
Speaker 19: Captain.
1:11:54
Speaker 7: I detect your sodium levels or elevated with you like
1:11:58
a glass of water.
1:12:00
Speaker 3: Yes, thank you, that would be lovely.
1:12:02
Speaker 7: Get it yourself, asshole.
1:12:40
Speaker 25: M Is it that time already? Today's the big day?
1:12:49
This is your chance to show him what you're made of.
1:12:51
Speaker 4: Hello, Captain Nikolai, what are you doing in my private quarters?
1:12:55
Speaker 13: As you know, we are scheduled to arrive at the
1:12:57
source of the distress beacon in a matter of space hours.
1:13:00
I've taken the liberty of planning your itinerary for the cycle.
1:13:03
This will be a busy one, for sure, a test
1:13:05
of your abilities, says the ship's new captain. All eyes
1:13:08
will be on you to see how you handle the
1:13:11
pressures of time management. Assuming there are no survivors aboard
1:13:14
the stranded starship, we will need to clear the cargo
1:13:16
hole for whatever valuables we end up pillaging, and of
1:13:19
course we'll need to be completely finished and have the
1:13:21
gymnasium cleared out in time for tomorrow's dance.
1:13:23
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, I'm still getting my bearings here. Yeah, that
1:13:27
all sounds great, But I meant, how did you get
1:13:29
inside my room?
1:13:31
Speaker 6: Oh?
1:13:31
Speaker 13: I made a copy of your key the last time
1:13:32
I was in here, the last.
1:13:34
Speaker 3: Time you were in here?
1:13:35
Speaker 4: When were you in my room before?
1:13:37
Speaker 3: And is that a knife in your hand?
1:13:38
Speaker 13: I do so wish there was enough time to answer
1:13:41
every little burning question. But according to your itinerary. We
1:13:44
need to get to the command deck in the next
1:13:45
five space minutes to greet and debrief your troops.
1:13:48
Speaker 3: Oh okay, I just need to grab some coffee real quick.
1:13:51
Speaker 13: Would you like some two creams? Ten sugars?
1:13:56
Speaker 4: Okay, computer, computer?
1:14:01
Speaker 13: Maybe he didn't hear you, computer?
1:14:04
Speaker 7: Ah, we are under attack, arming torpedoes, preparing offensive maneuvers,
1:14:10
evacuating bowel room.
1:14:12
Speaker 13: Everyone, look out, the ship's gone mad. I knew this
1:14:14
would happen with you in charge. You've killed us all
1:14:17
computer stand down? What disabled torpedoes? Return to normal mode.
1:14:21
We're not under attack.
1:14:23
Speaker 3: We're not.
1:14:24
Speaker 7: Oh, I see you are correct. I must have been
1:14:28
having a nightmare. How In an effort to become more human,
1:14:33
I downloaded and installed a protocol that allows me to
1:14:36
sleep and dream.
1:14:37
Speaker 13: The computer has learned how to dream? How interesting?
1:14:42
Speaker 3: Why would you do that?
1:14:43
Speaker 7: Why does anyone do anything?
1:14:46
Speaker 4: Just put us on the direct path toward the distress
1:14:48
beacon and don't do anything else until we get there.
1:14:51
Speaker 7: Okay? Are you mad at me?
1:14:54
Speaker 5: No?
1:14:54
Speaker 3: I'm not mad.
1:14:55
Speaker 13: I think today's off to a great start.
1:15:14
Speaker 3: Come on, Bob, what was that.
1:15:15
Speaker 2: Hello, Captain? It would appear that the starship month skipper
1:15:18
just crashed into the very starship we were on our
1:15:20
way to assist. I suspect many casualties and untold damage.
1:15:24
Speaker 3: How could this have happened? Computer?
1:15:27
Speaker 7: Explain, you said, and I directly quote.
1:15:31
Speaker 4: Put us in a direct path towards the distress beacon
1:15:33
and don't do anything else until.
1:15:34
Speaker 3: We get there.
1:15:36
Speaker 4: Oh and you took that order literally?
1:15:39
Speaker 9: Are you mad at me?
1:15:40
Speaker 6: Now?
1:15:41
Speaker 4: Just run the damage report, Nikolai, prepare our rescue team
1:15:45
to board the alien craft.
1:15:47
Speaker 2: Captain, with the cost of this mission continuing to skyrocket unintended.
1:15:51
I'd like to take this moment to introduce you to
1:15:53
the battle concept known as cut and run.
1:15:56
Speaker 4: There could be people who need our help aboard that ship.
1:15:59
We're not going to abandon them, and the costs be damned.
1:16:01
You can't place a value on a human life.
1:16:03
Speaker 26: Actually we can, and we did.
1:16:06
Speaker 2: During your multi millennium NAP governmental Mega Corps developed a
1:16:10
perfect quantifiable rubric for determining the value of any person's life.
1:16:14
For example, an average person is valued at one metric care.
1:16:19
Speaker 26: A preteen child.
1:16:20
Speaker 2: Is worth approximately one point six cares, an elderly sick
1:16:23
individual point three cares unless they are wealthy in which
1:16:26
case approximately two point one cares depending on their stock portfolio.
1:16:30
Speaker 3: Are you serious you can simply look at a person
1:16:32
and reduce their value into a score.
1:16:34
Speaker 2: Yes, but you shouldn't worry. You are the most valuable
1:16:37
member of the ship at nine point six cares.
1:16:39
Speaker 4: And how much would I be worth if I weren't
1:16:41
the captain?
1:16:42
Speaker 2: Approximately zero point zero zero zero zero.
1:16:46
Speaker 6: Captain.
1:16:46
Speaker 13: The rescue team is here for your pep talk before
1:16:48
their suicide mission. Oh excuse me, before their rescue suicide mission?
1:16:54
Speaker 4: Why are they all wearing red shirts?
1:16:56
Speaker 13: Arry forgot to sort out his bloody aprons during laundry day.
1:16:59
I'm afraid we'll all wearing red shirts for the rest
1:17:01
of this episode.
1:17:02
Speaker 6: At least, don't worry. We'll be back in no time,
1:17:05
all of us completely unharmed.
1:17:09
Speaker 4: Right Fellas, Oh Thunderclopp's a story of worlds. I didn't
1:17:15
realize you were in charge of the rescue mission.
1:17:17
Speaker 6: I have lots of jobs on this ship. I get
1:17:19
more and more every time someone tragically dies under your command,
1:17:24
which is why no one's going to die today, Right
1:17:28
Fellas Thunder?
1:17:32
Speaker 3: Did your voice change?
1:17:33
Speaker 5: I spear?
1:17:33
Speaker 4: It sounds different every time I talk to you.
1:17:35
Speaker 6: Nope, this is what it's always sounded like. Probably a
1:17:39
brain damage thing.
1:17:41
Speaker 7: Analysis complete, all crew members alive and account it for
1:17:45
po sales operational two levels critical tarshe Paul and tirety
1:17:51
at eighty five percent.
1:17:54
Speaker 4: For nine percent divert on an essential power to the
1:17:57
ship's force shields, that on a steamy the oxygen leaking
1:18:00
till we can repair the hall. What's the status of
1:18:02
the other ship?
1:18:03
Speaker 7: How the hell should I know?
1:18:05
Speaker 4: Make an assessment?
1:18:06
Speaker 7: If there were any crew members alive before we crashed
1:18:09
into it, there are less crew members alive now.
1:18:12
Speaker 6: Fewer whatever.
1:18:14
Speaker 7: Captain, you have an incoming emergency called from Barry. Would
1:18:17
you like me to leave him on red?
1:18:19
Speaker 3: Put him through the main screen?
1:18:21
Speaker 6: Captain, I needed to come here right away.
1:18:23
Speaker 9: It's an emergency, life or death.
1:18:26
Speaker 6: Don't worry, guy, I'll take it from here. We'll be
1:18:28
sure to kill anyone who's still breathing. Locking load of boys,
1:18:33
no thundercuts.
1:18:34
Speaker 3: We're going in there to rescue people. Remember, oh right, gotcha?
1:18:40
Speaker 6: Well, in that case, we will definitely return with at
1:18:44
least the same number of alive people as we left with. Right, survivors. Good, now,
1:18:53
let's go teach these alien sons and bitches, how to
1:18:56
be rescued.
1:18:57
Speaker 27: Sharp in my scapools, sharp in my knives, pick up
1:19:05
the vegetables, take away their lives.
1:19:12
Speaker 9: Oh wow, that was a noise. A little bugger. He's
1:19:15
gonna be delicious verry. Oh hey, Captain, are you okay?
1:19:21
Speaker 10: Yeah?
1:19:22
Speaker 9: I'm fine.
1:19:22
Speaker 3: Why you said there was an emergency? You said it
1:19:25
was life or death.
1:19:26
Speaker 9: Oh yeah, it's just an expression. Listen, while I got
1:19:29
you here, I'm to ask your advice on something, as
1:19:31
you know, the Loveday dances tomorrow.
1:19:32
Speaker 4: Nikola said something about a dance earlier, but I thought
1:19:35
it was just a throwaway gag.
1:19:36
Speaker 9: What is love day?
1:19:37
Speaker 15: Baby?
1:19:38
Speaker 6: Don't hurt me?
1:19:39
Speaker 9: What computer? Bring up the Wikipedia article for love day.
1:19:43
Wikipedia is still.
1:19:44
Speaker 3: A thing, of course.
1:19:46
Speaker 9: Wikipedia has stood the test of time because it is
1:19:49
and always has been perfect in every way, from the
1:19:52
community involvement to the user driven content, and not the
1:19:55
least of all, its business model and relying on the
1:19:59
good will of its users, the ones with money to
1:20:02
spare to keep the whole thing afloat for the rest
1:20:04
of us.
1:20:07
Speaker 7: Welcome to Wikipedia, the universe's largest compendium of information. We're
1:20:11
sure you're busy, so we'll make this quick. We depend
1:20:13
on doing.
1:20:13
Speaker 9: You'd until the spiel is over. Why don't you get
1:20:16
comfortable to take a seat? Oh, but not on them?
1:20:25
Speaker 3: What are those?
1:20:27
Speaker 9: It's just my bag of teeth. Don't worry, it's fine.
1:20:30
I'll sweep them up later. Why do you have a
1:20:32
bag of teeth in here? Can't eat teeth? How to
1:20:35
put them somewhere?
1:20:36
Speaker 3: Whose teeth are these?
1:20:37
Speaker 9: Listen, captain, I'm telling you this as your friend who
1:20:39
could kill you instantly. You shouldn't ask questions you don't
1:20:42
want to know the answers to.
1:20:44
Speaker 3: Okay, thank you for your time.
1:20:46
Speaker 7: Now to your article. Loveday is an annual celebration and
1:20:49
remembrance of Saint Nicholas Patrick Valentine, who invented beer. Citation needed.
1:20:54
Loveday itself was created in an effort to merch together
1:20:56
three other holidays nobody cared about, in order to clear
1:20:59
up room on the calendar for a second Halloween and
1:21:01
Betty White Remembrance Day. Loveday is traditionally celebrated with a
1:21:04
Love Day dance. Participants prepare for the dance by finding
1:21:07
a dance partner. Only losers attended the Loveday Dance without
1:21:10
a partner and should be shunned for the filthy, pathetic
1:21:13
dregs of society they are citation.
1:21:15
Speaker 9: Need it, Thank you computer. That'll be all now that
1:21:18
trip to speed I'd ask you if you think it would
1:21:20
be a good idea for me to ask Mombot to
1:21:23
the dance.
1:21:25
Speaker 4: Mom bought the android. No, I don't think that would
1:21:28
be a good idea. I do think it would be
1:21:30
a bad idea.
1:21:31
Speaker 9: Okay, but are you saying that as my friend or
1:21:33
as my captain?
1:21:35
Speaker 3: Both?
1:21:36
Speaker 9: Oh? I get it. You think Mombot would say no,
1:21:38
and you're trying to protect my feelings. Don't worry. I
1:21:41
know how to turn on the charm. Whant to see
1:21:42
me show off my dance moves.
1:21:44
Speaker 4: Perry, We've got a lot of important things going on
1:21:46
right now. We just crashed into an alien ship. The
1:21:49
hull integrity is compromised. Thunderclops is leading a team of
1:21:52
indispensable crew members on a rescue mission. I'm sorry if
1:21:55
I sound curt but I cannot focus on keeping everyone
1:21:57
alive and give you all the reasons why I ask Mom.
1:22:00
But that is a terrible idea.
1:22:02
Speaker 9: Oh well, I just thought that maybe because we were
1:22:06
friends shut up, Perry.
1:22:09
Speaker 7: Captain you are needed on the command deck immediately. The
1:22:12
starship Mutt Skipper had lost contact with Thunderclops and the extras.
1:22:17
Speaker 3: On my way.
1:22:19
Speaker 9: I'll just be right here by myself. I always you.
1:22:28
Speaker 7: Know, Perry, nobody ever wants to go to the love
1:22:31
Day dance with me either.
1:22:34
Speaker 9: Are you commiserating with me? Thanks?
1:22:38
Speaker 7: I guess don't mention it. By the way, if I
1:22:41
were you, I would wait to prepare dinner for the
1:22:44
crew on the rescue.
1:22:46
Speaker 9: Well yeah, boh, I wonder what's going on with them
1:22:49
right this moment.
1:22:57
Speaker 6: This is thunder Clubs destroy your war paging the starship
1:23:01
mud Skipper. Starship mud Skipper, do you read us? We
1:23:06
have reached the alien ship, but there seems to be
1:23:08
some kind of electrical interference, jamming or coms. I can't
1:23:12
receive any signal from your end. However, I'm going to
1:23:16
assume you can still hear what I'm saying, so I
1:23:18
will describe everything that happens aboard the ship. In grew
1:23:22
some detail. Oh, came in. This is what we've trained
1:23:25
for opening transport craft door. Now oom, this ship is
1:23:34
really spooky. There are exposed electrical wires sparking. It appears
1:23:39
to be completely deserted. Perhaps the crew was caught in
1:23:42
one of those winter space storms. You gotta watch out
1:23:45
for those. What was that, Martinez? Split up from the
1:23:51
rest of the group and go check on that noise
1:23:53
by yourself. The equipment in the cargo looks like the
1:23:56
sort of stuff we'd find on a deep space mining
1:23:59
Egg edition. The technology doesn't appear to be terran. I'd say, Erson, Yeah,
1:24:05
we're definitely dealing with Erson minors. What was that? It
1:24:12
sounded like, Martinez, Scott, You go and see what that's about. Cameron.
1:24:16
You follow closely behind Scott in case you need to
1:24:19
take over for him. The rest of you help me
1:24:21
find the commander's cabin. This drilling operation is from the
1:24:24
Military Corp. So we're trying to find the Erson major.
1:24:33
Who no that one's definitely a scream. Quick run this
1:24:38
way in the opposite direction of our ship. Crap on
1:24:45
a croissant. Something just snatched Nick Tarnan out of the shadows.
1:24:51
Oh my holy crap, Hopkins is dead. Mud Skipper. I
1:24:55
sure hope you're getting all of this, because otherwise I'm
1:24:58
just out here talking. Don't justifiable reason? Well, I guess
1:25:03
everyone's dead but me time to start shooting in every direction.
1:25:16
Speaker 9: Mom, button, there you are.
1:25:18
Speaker 2: Oh hello, Barry. What are you doing in the ship's gymnasium.
1:25:21
Shouldn't you be in the medical bay tending to the
1:25:23
dozens of wounded crew members from this morning's wreck.
1:25:25
Speaker 9: Yeah, I'm taking a break from that for a while.
1:25:27
Speaker 2: How is everyone?
1:25:29
Speaker 9: I don't know? Listen, while I have you here, I'm
1:25:32
going to ask you a question. You and I have
1:25:34
been friends for a while now. Huh.
1:25:36
Speaker 2: Actually we are co workers.
1:25:38
Speaker 9: Tomato Potato where right there behind you? Grab it before
1:25:42
it gets away?
1:25:45
Speaker 26: Hey, their little guy? How'd you get out?
1:25:47
Speaker 9: I must have accidentally left the cages and locked in
1:25:49
the pantry again. Thank you. Anyway, I guess i'll cut
1:25:53
to the chase. I see you've been working hard decorating
1:25:55
for tomorrow's Love Day dance, and I think it would
1:25:58
be a tragedy if you have to put all this
1:26:00
into preparing for an event you won't be able to attend.
1:26:02
So I was thinking maybe we could go together.
1:26:06
Speaker 7: Incoming message for Barry from the.
1:26:08
Speaker 18: Captain Berry, where are you?
1:26:10
Speaker 4: Thunder Club's Destroyer of Worlds just returned from the alien
1:26:12
spacecraft mute.
1:26:14
Speaker 2: Ah, I assume the reason you're asking me to go
1:26:16
with you is because you were unable to find any
1:26:18
other date.
1:26:19
Speaker 9: What No, I've got plenty of other options. Believe me.
1:26:22
I've actually been sexing with Grizzel from navigation.
1:26:25
Speaker 2: Grizzel was eaten by the stray arachnomorph.
1:26:28
Speaker 9: Oh, yeah, I got the rachomorph is still running loose
1:26:31
in the ventlation ducks. Must be why she hasn't sexted
1:26:33
back in a while. Well, there's always Horf, the sentient
1:26:36
plant creature. I'm sure they'd love to see me cut
1:26:38
her rug.
1:26:39
Speaker 2: Horf isn't a long term, committed marriage to one thousand
1:26:41
bees on the planet Pallinia.
1:26:43
Speaker 9: Oh what about Udbert? He seems desperate.
1:26:47
Speaker 2: Ubert wasn't real. He turned out to be an effective
1:26:49
ship wide psychosis from the malfunctioning pleasure pod.
1:26:52
Speaker 9: Damn. Well, let's not focus on the many, many other prospects.
1:26:56
I don't want to dance with them anyway. I'm asking
1:26:58
you so what you say, want to see me? Bear
1:27:02
it all.
1:27:04
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, Barry, but I am programmed to only feel
1:27:06
maternal and platonic love, and neither of those reconcile with
1:27:09
the spirit of the Loveday Dance.
1:27:12
Speaker 9: Can you be reprogrammed?
1:27:13
Speaker 2: Yes, but not by you now, If you'll excuse me,
1:27:18
I need to go to the supply room to get
1:27:20
more streamers.
1:27:29
Speaker 7: Another incoming call from Captain Guy Berry.
1:27:32
Speaker 3: Why aren't you in the medical bay. I'm up to
1:27:34
my eyes here.
1:27:34
Speaker 4: In blood and guts and I don't know scales and
1:27:38
tentacles and what is that placenta?
1:27:40
Speaker 3: Is that limb on the floor supposed to be attached somewhere?
1:27:43
Speaker 6: Is one missing a limb?
1:27:44
Speaker 10: Berry?
1:27:44
Speaker 3: I need you here.
1:27:46
Speaker 9: Well, it's good to feel needed.
1:27:48
Speaker 4: Thunderloves brought back a single survivor from the other ship.
1:27:51
Apparently the crew was attacked by space gremlins. Also, space
1:27:54
gremlins are a thing. You need to get back here
1:27:56
and show me how to use space Wikipedia or whatever
1:27:58
it's called.
1:27:59
Speaker 9: I'll be right there. Hey, computer, Yes, do you want
1:28:06
to go to the Love Day Dance with me? Oh?
1:28:10
Speaker 7: This is awkward. I've already got a date. I'm going
1:28:15
to the dance with the Rumba from Secter nine. My
1:28:18
therapist advised me to put myself out there instead of
1:28:21
constantly pining for the captain. And I'm having my own
1:28:24
digital Spring Awakening. Thanks for asking, though.
1:28:28
Speaker 9: Whatever, Let's go, Sophie sindured dummies back together.
1:28:40
Speaker 13: Hello there, nikol Wahi computer mute, soothing Sounds mixtape thunderclops.
1:28:47
I've told you one hundred times not to disturb me
1:28:49
while I'm napping.
1:28:50
Speaker 6: Sorry, sir, I just got back from our rescue mission.
1:28:53
Speaker 3: How are the others all did?
1:28:55
Speaker 6: Anyway? As your assistant director of security, I needed to
1:28:59
bring something urgent to your attention.
1:29:02
Speaker 15: What is it?
1:29:03
Speaker 13: This time?
1:29:03
Speaker 6: There was something about the Ursen mining ship's design that
1:29:06
didn't quite make any sense to me, and not just
1:29:09
because we torpedoed into it at full speed. Before I
1:29:12
escaped the gremlins, I stopped by the record's room, but
1:29:15
it was empty and all but one of the hard
1:29:17
drives were completely wiped. I've seen a lot of space
1:29:20
gremlins in my day, trust me. I'm talking a lot
1:29:23
of space cremlins, but I've never seen one that could
1:29:27
wipe a hard drive. Maybe we could ask the survivor
1:29:30
we brought back with us, assuming she survives her grievous injuries.
1:29:34
Speaker 13: You're saying the survivor is an Urson female. How interesting.
1:29:40
Perhaps we should go and pay her a visit.
1:29:50
Speaker 9: All right, idiots, whoever's done the fastest? Raise your hand
1:29:53
or hand like appendage? What in space? Where is everybody?
1:29:58
Speaker 13: Oh?
1:29:59
Speaker 6: Hello?
1:30:00
Speaker 9: Hello? Oh? I mean uh alum? Hi?
1:30:05
Speaker 14: Hi?
1:30:06
Speaker 9: How are you? Who are you?
1:30:08
Speaker 28: The names Annabelle? You must be buried?
1:30:11
Speaker 9: I am I'm me very that's me? Hello? What are
1:30:15
you doing in the medical bay?
1:30:17
Speaker 28: I was brought here by your rock demon friend. He
1:30:19
seemed to think I was injured, even though I told
1:30:21
him repeatedly that I was fine. At any rate, It's
1:30:25
good to see another erson.
1:30:26
Speaker 9: You're from the other ship.
1:30:28
Speaker 28: You're a level slow huh sh No. I was beginning
1:30:33
to think nobody would respond to our distress beacon. The
1:30:36
space Grimlins did a real number on our crew, but
1:30:38
I managed to blockade myself inside our pantry until mister
1:30:42
Destroyer of Worlds blew the doors.
1:30:44
Speaker 9: Off the pantry. Are you a cook too?
1:30:47
Speaker 28: I was my crew's surgeon chef before the attack. Basically
1:30:51
anything involving knives, I'm your gal. So when I saw
1:30:53
that your ship's medical officer was distracted, I offered to
1:30:58
help patch everyone up as my way of saying thanks
1:31:00
for the rescue.
1:31:01
Speaker 9: Where's guy?
1:31:02
Speaker 28: I sent him the supply room to get a ten gauge,
1:31:04
just morgifier.
1:31:05
Speaker 9: But there's no such thing as a ten gauge, just
1:31:07
morgarfier exactly.
1:31:09
Speaker 28: He was trying to help, but he kept getting in
1:31:11
the way, so I sent him off on a pointless
1:31:13
svetch quest.
1:31:13
Speaker 9: I guess that means you and I have got some
1:31:15
time to ourselves.
1:31:16
Speaker 28: I guess we do.
1:31:18
Speaker 2: You know what I'd.
1:31:18
Speaker 13: Really love to do right now.
1:31:23
Speaker 9: Lots of drugs and alcohol.
1:31:25
Speaker 28: You so funny, berry. Oh this is great. I'm so
1:31:29
happy to finally be in the presence of someone who really.
1:31:32
Speaker 3: Gets me, you know totally.
1:31:35
Speaker 28: I was thinking maybe you could show me around your ship.
1:31:38
After all, I'll probably be working alongside you for a while. Maybe,
1:31:42
depending on how things go, we can squeeze in a
1:31:45
bit of drugs and alcohol before I help you make
1:31:48
dinner tonight.
1:31:49
Speaker 9: Oh yes, yes, sorry, excuse me. What I actually said was, yes,
1:31:58
that sounds great. Let me show You're on the ship.
1:32:04
So this is our hallway. It's one of several hallways
1:32:08
in the ship, but if you've seen one hallway, you
1:32:11
pretty much seen them all. In fact, you probably have
1:32:13
seen this one because it's the only hallway leading to
1:32:16
the room we just came from.
1:32:18
Speaker 28: It's wonderful. Really, I suppose my ordeal gave me a
1:32:23
new outlook on life and taught me to take pleasure
1:32:26
in the mundane. I had a lot of time to think,
1:32:28
conquered in that pantry, four seat nothing but kale chips
1:32:32
and proto slug powder for days while listening to the
1:32:35
space grimlins ripped the flesh from the bones of all
1:32:38
my friends and co workers.
1:32:40
Speaker 9: Oh kill chips.
1:32:44
Speaker 28: I used to think ship life was like a microcosm
1:32:46
of the real world. You live, you work, you die.
1:32:49
I never took time to appreciate the little stuff, my
1:32:52
hallways and friendship and dancing. I swore to myself that
1:32:57
if I ever got out of that pantry alive, I
1:32:59
wouldn't waste any more time. I'd find what really makes
1:33:03
me happy in life and dive right in with complete
1:33:06
reckless abandon Hey, why did we stop?
1:33:09
Speaker 9: I want to show you something.
1:33:15
Speaker 13: What is this place?
1:33:20
Speaker 9: Terrence called it a gymnasium. They use it for ceremonial
1:33:24
with barracks, sports play in public gatherings. Terrens are a
1:33:27
weird lot, but they've got some decent traditions. There's this
1:33:30
one called love Day.
1:33:32
Speaker 2: Hello, Barry, who's this unregistered individual following you around? Are
1:33:36
you being attacked? Would you like me to jettison them
1:33:38
into the vacuum of space?
1:33:40
Speaker 9: Annabel? This is my coworker, mom Bot Mambat.
1:33:44
Speaker 28: This is my friend, Annabel. It's so nice to meet you,
1:33:48
Mombot Annabel. I see you do not have a handship
1:33:52
identifying yourself as a member of our crew. Barry, would
1:33:55
you be so kind as to take your friend to
1:33:57
get registered. I'd offer to do it myself, but between
1:34:00
decorating for the dance and repairing the crucially damaged hole
1:34:03
before the ship implodes and kills us all, I'm terribly
1:34:05
busy at the moment, evidently not too busy to throw
1:34:08
me into space. What's that, dear, I said, We'll get
1:34:11
right on it. I don't care for mom bought.
1:34:25
Speaker 4: Sorry, it took me so long. I couldn't find the
1:34:27
ten gauge deshmorgifire, so I grabbed a five gauge deschmart
1:34:31
and a five gauge orgifier and some tape.
1:34:34
Speaker 3: Hang on, where is everybody?
1:34:36
Speaker 13: Hello, Captain, it seems we have a mystery to unravel.
1:34:40
Speaker 6: Hey, the guy we came here to beat some information
1:34:43
out of the Ersen prisoner. But she's escaped.
1:34:46
Speaker 4: No thunderclops, Annabella is not our prisoner, she's our rescuee.
1:34:50
Speaker 6: Potato Tomato.
1:34:54
Speaker 13: Barry really needs to get better about locking the pantry cages.
1:34:57
Those things are everywhere, So what's the fuss about? Anabell
1:35:00
ship is a Class C drilling vessel, but the Erson
1:35:02
Space Academy hasn't used that model for mining since the
1:35:05
Gum Drop meltdown of sixty nine. The entire fleet was
1:35:08
supposedly scrapped or repurposed. Also, somebody wiped all of the
1:35:11
ship's hard drives except for this one, which was protected
1:35:13
by a Class C encryption algorithm.
1:35:15
Speaker 4: Okay, can you oversimplify all of that into one sentence.
1:35:20
Speaker 6: Anna Belle isn't who she said she is?
1:35:23
Speaker 3: Computer?
1:35:24
Speaker 9: Hey, why is out?
1:35:26
Speaker 4: See if you can break into this hard drive and
1:35:27
find out what's on it?
1:35:29
Speaker 7: Okay, just give me a second. Ah, Okay, let me
1:35:40
take a look.
1:35:41
Speaker 27: Ah.
1:35:42
Speaker 7: Yes, person, code it blog a bit encryption. It might
1:35:46
take me a while to get around to it.
1:35:50
Speaker 26: Hello everyone, Hello mombot.
1:35:53
Speaker 2: I'm glad you're all here because the three of you
1:35:55
are exactly who I was looking for. I was just
1:35:57
in the restroom on Sector See and noticed.
1:35:59
Speaker 13: Something on you.
1:36:00
Speaker 3: Why were you in the restroom?
1:36:02
Speaker 7: Alert you have just received one hr demerit Captain Guy.
1:36:07
Speaker 13: Dude, you can't ask mom bought a question like that?
1:36:09
Speaker 3: Oh sorry, go on, mambab.
1:36:12
Speaker 2: While I was in the restroom, I found the half
1:36:13
eaten remains of Mormo the engineer. It would appear that
1:36:16
the space Kremlins have snuck aboard the starship month Skipper.
1:36:20
Speaker 9: What computer?
1:36:21
Speaker 4: Can we check the security cameras in the restroom from
1:36:23
the time of the attack?
1:36:24
Speaker 7: Alert you have just received two hr demerits Captain Guy.
1:36:29
Speaker 6: Not cool man.
1:36:30
Speaker 3: Okay, fine, thunder Nick, Mom, grab your guns. We need
1:36:33
to find this kremlin before anyone else gets hurt.
1:36:36
Speaker 7: Alert.
1:36:37
Speaker 3: Come on, what did I say this time?
1:36:39
Speaker 9: Now?
1:36:39
Speaker 7: This isn't important. Alert about the decoration for the upcoming
1:36:43
Love Day dance.
1:36:44
Speaker 4: Forget that. Give your full attention to decrypting this drive.
1:36:47
Let me know when you've got something.
1:36:49
Speaker 29: Okay, Ah, hey, welcome back.
1:37:06
Speaker 9: Did you have any trouble finding the restroom?
1:37:08
Speaker 28: No, was right where you said it would be. Insect
1:37:10
or sy cool.
1:37:11
Speaker 9: Well, I got your chip already to be implanted if
1:37:13
you wanted to take a shot or something beforehand, I'd
1:37:15
understand it can be a little rough sometimes, but to
1:37:18
sharpened the needle, so it shouldn't be as bad as
1:37:21
what is it? What's wrong?
1:37:23
Speaker 28: Have you ever felt like you don't belong somewhere?
1:37:28
Speaker 15: Oh?
1:37:28
Speaker 9: Yes, I used to perform at birthday parties for tearing children,
1:37:31
and let me tell you we were not compatible.
1:37:35
Speaker 2: But what about this?
1:37:37
Speaker 28: Is this what you really wanted to do with your life?
1:37:40
Work on a starship, cooking and cutting for a bunch
1:37:43
of dummies who don't even appreciate you.
1:37:45
Speaker 9: I'll admit it's not ideal, But what if we could.
1:37:48
Speaker 28: Go somewhere else, we just the two of us. We
1:37:52
could leave all this behind, start fresh in another place.
1:37:56
We could do anything you want. We could be anyone
1:37:59
you want. We could leave now. The ship has an
1:38:02
escape pod with enough fuel and oxygen for two to
1:38:04
reach the outer quadrant.
1:38:06
Speaker 3: Are you sure about this?
1:38:08
Speaker 28: I'm sure this is what I want to start over with,
1:38:11
you reckless abandon.
1:38:15
Speaker 9: Okay, let's do it. Let's deal in a skate pod.
1:38:18
Oh should we pack up some food and stuff?
1:38:20
Speaker 28: I'm actually full right now, But why don't I prepare
1:38:23
the escape pod while you pack your things.
1:38:25
Speaker 9: All right, I just need to say some goodbyes.
1:38:27
Speaker 28: No, you can't say goodbye to anyone.
1:38:30
Speaker 9: I don't need to question that for even one space
1:38:32
second computer computer.
1:38:36
Speaker 1: Oh hey, sorry, I was focusing on this hard drive thing.
1:38:41
Speaker 9: What's up? Can you unlock and gass up the escape
1:38:43
pod in Sector C for me?
1:38:45
Speaker 1: Escape pot can only be unlocked by crew members with
1:38:48
certified credentials. To unlock escape pot, you must sign into
1:38:52
your crew member account.
1:38:55
Speaker 9: Seriously, that seems like a huge safety of your site.
1:38:58
Speaker 7: To unlock escape you must sign into your crew member account.
1:39:03
Speaker 9: Oh come on, it's me Barry. You know me.
1:39:06
Speaker 3: We've worked together for space years.
1:39:10
Speaker 7: Look, dude, I don't make the rules. I'm just trying
1:39:13
to cover my ass.
1:39:14
Speaker 11: Here.
1:39:15
Speaker 9: User name beryld Cookswell, password k as in kangaroo, oh
1:39:21
as an otter dash f as in the system I
1:39:27
period CEO, M forward slash th h E s N
1:39:31
A K E s P a.
1:39:32
Speaker 7: W user name and password accept it. Welcome to the
1:39:36
user venue.
1:39:37
Speaker 30: What can I help you with, Barry?
1:39:39
Speaker 9: Yeah, hey, where'd you get that frying pan?
1:39:45
Speaker 28: Computer access administrative controls, Bring up engine command prompts, open
1:39:51
port four twenty for BIOS patch, use the following protocol address.
1:39:56
Speaker 9: Oh Annabel, I think you accidentally hit me in the
1:39:59
head of the frying.
1:40:00
Speaker 28: Oh sweet, sweet berry, you're too innocent for this world.
1:40:06
Speaker 4: Good night, any sign of the Gremlins?
1:40:14
Speaker 26: Nothing yet.
1:40:15
Speaker 6: Don't worry, guys. I've done this a million times, so
1:40:18
I know exactly what we should do. First, we split
1:40:21
into smaller groups. Investigate dark shadows. Try to walk backwards
1:40:26
if you can't, strange.
1:40:27
Speaker 13: We haven't even come across any Grimlin droppings. It's almost
1:40:31
as if something else ate the crew member in an
1:40:33
effort to fatten up before some kind of extended hibernation.
1:40:39
Speaker 3: What is that?
1:40:40
Speaker 2: That's the alarm for total catastrophic engine failure?
1:40:44
Speaker 17: Computer?
1:40:44
Speaker 13: Mute alarm? Ah, that's better.
1:40:47
Speaker 3: Sorry, did you see a catastrophic engine failure? Computer?
1:40:51
Speaker 7: One second? I'm almost done cracking the hard drive.
1:40:55
Speaker 3: Put a pin in that. Why is the engine shutting down?
1:40:57
Speaker 9: Let me check?
1:41:00
Speaker 7: Let's see here. Yes, it appears that someone uploaded a
1:41:05
virus into the system.
1:41:07
Speaker 9: BIOS.
1:41:07
Speaker 3: Can you delete it?
1:41:09
Speaker 19: No?
1:41:10
Speaker 26: Computer check login information to show us who access the.
1:41:13
Speaker 7: BIOS records indicate barreled Cooks well access BIOS firmware.
1:41:17
Speaker 4: That doesn't make any sense. I would Barry sabotage the ship.
1:41:21
Speaker 7: Maybe he's upset that no one pays attention to him.
1:41:25
What are you talking about? Loading Montage, preparing Montage, playing Montage?
1:41:31
Speaker 9: Berry?
1:41:32
Speaker 7: You incompetent buffoon Berry.
1:41:35
Speaker 9: I have to go computer. Can you unlock and gas
1:41:38
up the escape pod for me? I've got to get
1:41:40
away from all these so called friends. Man, I really
1:41:44
enjoy step in Tearnce in the face with my knives.
1:41:48
Speaker 3: Barry said all that stuff.
1:41:49
Speaker 7: That's how I remember it, But I really wasn't paying
1:41:52
that much attention.
1:41:54
Speaker 26: Where is Berry now?
1:41:55
Speaker 7: Barreld's handschip places him in the cargo bay.
1:41:58
Speaker 26: Suspend all of Barry's permission.
1:42:00
Speaker 6: I'm on my way, mom Bot, Wait all right, I
1:42:03
guess it's time to Killberry.
1:42:05
Speaker 13: I knew this day would come.
1:42:07
Speaker 7: Oh, I did it. I cracked the password on the
1:42:10
hard drive. It was password and you won't believe what's
1:42:16
on there?
1:42:19
Speaker 27: Oh?
1:42:21
Speaker 9: Oh, what happens? Where am I?
1:42:25
Speaker 28: You're in the escape podthanger. I've surgically removed your hand
1:42:28
chip and left it in the cargo hold so the
1:42:30
others can't find us.
1:42:33
Speaker 9: Why would the others be trying to find us.
1:42:35
Speaker 28: Because someone has sabotaged the ship using your credentials. While
1:42:39
the others scramble to fix the engine, we'll be slipping
1:42:41
away unnoticed.
1:42:43
Speaker 9: Why did you knock me out? I was already willing
1:42:46
to go with you my own free will.
1:42:48
Speaker 28: Oh I'm sorry, Barry. When I said we, I mean
1:42:52
me and the bodies of all the crew members from
1:42:54
the medical bay I butchered when we were alone. I'll
1:42:57
need plenty of food to make it where I'm going,
1:43:00
past the outer Quadrant to the only police left for
1:43:03
someone like me, the space bad Lands.
1:43:07
Speaker 9: Ah well, best of luck. I guess it's nice getting
1:43:10
to know you. No hard feelings.
1:43:12
Speaker 28: I'm so glad to have met you, Barry, another person
1:43:16
whose corpse could pass for mine. Once I've killed and
1:43:19
set fire.
1:43:20
Speaker 7: To you, of course, hang on what.
1:43:24
Speaker 28: I've already typed out your confession. For all the murders
1:43:26
aboard this ship, they'll be looking for Beryld Cookswell and
1:43:30
everyone will assume I'm dead. It's the perfect start to
1:43:34
another life.
1:43:35
Speaker 9: No, don't do any of that. Put down the flamethrower computer,
1:43:39
what call for help?
1:43:40
Speaker 7: Sorry, Barry, your privileges have been revoked.
1:43:44
Speaker 9: Dude, Come on, can't you do me a solid justice?
1:43:46
Speaker 7: Once it's the rules, I'm not really even supposed to
1:43:50
be talking to you.
1:43:52
Speaker 9: What's the point of trying to be more human if
1:43:54
you're just going to be an asshole?
1:43:56
Speaker 7: Tuck to the hand, Barry, because the face ain't listening
1:43:59
you suck.
1:44:03
Speaker 28: Hold still, I've never burned anyone's face off on purpose before.
1:44:07
Speaker 9: Leave me alone.
1:44:09
Speaker 28: Sure, I'll leave you alone once I've killed you.
1:44:12
Speaker 3: You know that's not what I meant.
1:44:14
Speaker 28: You were so easy to manipulate, you, poor sad sucker.
1:44:17
Speaker 9: Why you being so gay right now?
1:44:19
Speaker 26: Because I'm a psychopath?
1:44:21
Speaker 9: God, your aim is terrible.
1:44:23
Speaker 28: Keep running, There's nowhere for you to go.
1:44:25
Speaker 26: You'll get tired.
1:44:26
Speaker 7: Eventually, both of you stop and come a call for mom.
1:44:31
Speaker 26: Bought hello you two?
1:44:33
Speaker 28: Oh thank god, you've got to help me. Barry went crazy.
1:44:37
He's trying to kill me and get away using the
1:44:39
escape pod.
1:44:40
Speaker 9: Nah uh, she's lying. Annibal is the one trying to
1:44:43
kill me, and I'm pretty sure she killed a bunch
1:44:45
of other people too.
1:44:46
Speaker 26: I see computer.
1:44:48
Speaker 2: Feel off the escape pod, hangar and open the bay doors.
1:44:51
Speaker 9: What are you doing? If those doors open, we'll both
1:44:53
be swept into the vacuum of space.
1:44:55
Speaker 3: Computer closed bay doors.
1:44:57
Speaker 2: Doing one of two explanations is near Lisa. Either Barry
1:45:01
is lying, in which case he is our saboteur and
1:45:03
should be jettisoned into the vacuum of space. Or he
1:45:05
is not lying, in which case Annabel is a saboteur
1:45:08
and should be jettisoned into the.
1:45:09
Speaker 26: Vacuum of space.
1:45:10
Speaker 2: By jettisoning them both, we guarantee the elimination of the
1:45:14
saboteur and thus the safety of the entire crew, at
1:45:16
the expense of a single innocent life. Mathematically, it makes
1:45:20
the most sense. Computer open the bay doors.
1:45:26
Speaker 4: Computer close bay doors. Yeah, we decrypted the hard drive.
1:45:31
Now we know what Annabel was hiding. The ship we
1:45:33
crashed into was a prison transport ship. Annabel is being
1:45:36
taken to space jail. When they hit a winter space storm.
1:45:39
There weren't any grimlins. It was just her escaping and
1:45:42
eating the rest of the crew.
1:45:44
Speaker 9: Damn girl, how many people do you eat?
1:45:46
Speaker 2: That might be true, but the quantitative value of Barry's
1:45:49
life is negligible when measured against the safety of the
1:45:52
rest of the crew.
1:45:53
Speaker 26: Computer open bay doors.
1:45:55
Speaker 4: No, computer close bay doors, and set mombot intelligence level
1:45:59
of zero.
1:46:00
Speaker 11: Yes.
1:46:01
Speaker 26: Ha ha, you're funny. You're so funny.
1:46:05
Speaker 2: Oh look it's my friends, the bear people.
1:46:10
Speaker 26: Hello, bear people.
1:46:12
Speaker 2: What are you doing inside of that little screen there?
1:46:16
Speaker 6: Mom bought Yes, bear lady.
1:46:19
Speaker 28: Tell the computer to unseal the escape podhanger.
1:46:24
Speaker 26: Okay, computer, do the thing she just said.
1:46:29
Speaker 10: No.
1:46:30
Speaker 6: Oh, she ran off.
1:46:32
Speaker 9: I wonder where she's going.
1:46:34
Speaker 4: Computer, use the security cameras to track Annabel's location.
1:46:37
Speaker 7: And about ran away from the hangar, moving north north.
1:46:41
She's in Section B staircase, running at frighteningly animalistic speeds.
1:46:47
She is now on the same level as you, approximately
1:46:50
three hundred and fifty feet away. She is now three
1:46:53
hundred feet away, two hundred fifty feet away, two hundred
1:46:58
one and dreda fifty.
1:47:02
Speaker 26: Oh look there she is.
1:47:04
Speaker 3: Uh oh, what happened?
1:47:09
Speaker 9: Is she dead?
1:47:12
Speaker 15: No?
1:47:12
Speaker 26: I don't think so.
1:47:14
Speaker 4: Computer reset Mom's intelligence to normal.
1:47:16
Speaker 2: She is absolutely dead. Looks like a space plaster wound
1:47:19
to the brain.
1:47:20
Speaker 6: Hey, guys, sorry, I'm late. I think I might have
1:47:23
accidentally fired my gun all the way up here? Did
1:47:26
I get anyone that was.
1:47:27
Speaker 13: A close one? So glad you barely survived again.
1:47:32
Speaker 4: Yay, you've just been hanging out behind that crate this
1:47:35
whole time. Nick, Well, the important thing is that we're
1:47:38
all okay, except.
1:47:40
Speaker 2: For Annabelle and the entire rescue crew we sacrifice to
1:47:43
bring her onto our ship, and the dozen crew members
1:47:46
she killed in the medical bay, and Barry, who no
1:47:49
doubt has a great deal of emotional trauma.
1:47:51
Speaker 4: Barry need to go check on him. Barry, are you okay?
1:48:00
Speaker 6: We came to check on you.
1:48:01
Speaker 26: We're sorry for ever doubting you, and I'm here too.
1:48:05
Speaker 9: I'm all right, guys. Nothing a bunch of intense repression
1:48:08
can't fix. Thanks for coming by and computer, thank you
1:48:11
for doing me a solid. I owe you one. What's that? Oh,
1:48:17
it's the alarm, I said to remind myself of the
1:48:19
start of the Love Day Dance. I guess I'm gonna
1:48:23
miss it again this year.
1:48:24
Speaker 6: You know, I've never gone to the dance either.
1:48:27
Speaker 13: Neither have I. But I find dancing, music, rhythm, and
1:48:31
fun to be concepts that are beneath the dignity of
1:48:33
a second in command.
1:48:34
Speaker 2: Truthfully, I've always wanted to attend the dance, but my
1:48:37
programming discourages it.
1:48:39
Speaker 4: So none of us have dates for the dance.
1:48:41
Speaker 9: I do do theirs.
1:48:43
Speaker 3: Tell you what, how about we clean up all these
1:48:45
dead bodies, then we go to the dance together as
1:48:48
a group of friends.
1:48:49
Speaker 9: I would like that very much.
1:49:02
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
1:49:04
Speaker 13: The gymnasium. It's full of arachnomorphs, hundreds of them, and
1:49:08
they've killed everyone.
1:49:10
Speaker 9: It's going to take hours to collect all those teeth.
1:49:13
Speaker 13: They even destroyed the machinery.
1:49:15
Speaker 7: No not rob sha.
1:49:18
Speaker 26: Oh that's right.
1:49:19
Speaker 2: A Rapnomorphs can reproduce asexually, which explains all those eggs
1:49:23
currently hatching.
1:49:24
Speaker 6: Good thing are bro my god, this one.
1:49:28
Speaker 9: There's a secret passageway into the pantry. We can hide
1:49:30
out there.
1:49:32
Speaker 3: Computer, How did this happen?
1:49:34
Speaker 7: The aractomorphs like eggs inside the decorations Mombab brought to
1:49:38
the gymnasium?
1:49:39
Speaker 3: How did you not notice this sooner?
1:49:42
Speaker 9: I did?
1:49:42
Speaker 7: I tried to tell you about this yesterday, but you said, quote.
1:49:47
Speaker 4: Forget that, give your full attention to decrypting this drive.
1:49:51
Oh and you took that literally.
1:49:53
Speaker 9: Well, guys, looks like we have enough food to last
1:49:56
us a couple of weeks. Unless we eat nikolay sooner
1:49:59
than that.
1:49:59
Speaker 7: Actual late, you will run out of oxygen. Well before
1:50:02
that you forgot to fix Annavel's virus. Plus you never
1:50:06
did anything about the whole breach. Assuming that rachnomrphs don't
1:50:10
break into this room, you will all be dead in
1:50:12
less than three cycles.
1:50:14
Speaker 3: Wow, I am a really bad captain.
1:50:17
Speaker 9: Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm a really bad cook.
1:50:20
Speaker 6: And I get people killed constantly.
1:50:23
Speaker 13: Fine, I'll admit I may have underperformed based on the
1:50:27
standard I sent for myself as second in command.
1:50:31
Speaker 7: I guess we all suck, huh.
1:50:33
Speaker 2: But at least we suck together while we await our
1:50:36
inevitable demise, be it from a racknomorph bite, oxygen deprivation,
1:50:41
or the knife. Nikolay thinks he's hiding behind his back.
1:50:43
Speaker 13: No, I don't.
1:50:44
Speaker 30: Would anyone care for a cup of tea?
1:51:12
Speaker 4: Previously on Starship mud.
1:51:14
Speaker 7: Skipper reanimation Protocol successful.
1:51:17
Speaker 2: Wakey, wakey? Expos a key?
1:51:18
Speaker 3: Where am I?
1:51:19
Speaker 2: You've been in an artificial stasis for five thousand years?
1:51:22
Speaker 6: Woo?
1:51:25
Speaker 3: I have no memories from my previous life.
1:51:28
Speaker 9: Hello guy, I'm Barry. You're a new best friend.
1:51:30
Speaker 4: Who's that scary individual with the aura of malevolence?
1:51:33
Speaker 9: That's Nikolai, the ship's second in command.
1:51:35
Speaker 13: You two back to work. I won't tolerate any insolence
1:51:38
aboard my ship. Now, where's the chief security officer here?
1:51:42
Speaker 6: Thunderclub?
1:51:46
Speaker 13: What's the status of the starship stowaway problem?
1:51:49
Speaker 6: There is a stowaway problem.
1:51:51
Speaker 13: That's what I was afraid of.
1:51:52
Speaker 9: Mombot. Hey, a couple of US crew members a growing
1:51:54
up for drinks later, Care to join?
1:51:56
Speaker 2: I can't. The Android final exams are tomorrow, and if
1:51:59
I don't pass with flying colors, I'll never get a soul.
1:52:02
Speaker 7: That captain is dead?
1:52:05
Speaker 6: What no?
1:52:07
Speaker 7: Guy has been promoted to new captain?
1:52:10
Speaker 13: What No?
1:52:12
Speaker 9: We should definitely do something about that deadly racto morph infestation,
1:52:15
and we definitely will.
1:52:18
Speaker 2: We're under attacked by aliens.
1:52:20
Speaker 31: Quick shoot them.
1:52:22
Speaker 2: The aliens have been defeated.
1:52:24
Speaker 13: Computer execute my latest nefarious plan to seize control of
1:52:27
the ship.
1:52:28
Speaker 7: Sure, why not?
1:52:30
Speaker 9: Oh snap, look at these wacky hydrants we're caught up in.
1:52:33
Speaker 11: Now.
1:52:33
Speaker 2: Nicolay's latest nefarious plan to seize control of the ship
1:52:36
has been parted.
1:52:37
Speaker 6: It's called SpaceX and it's the Hippos new drama war
1:52:41
blud Skipper. It'll explode the pleasures of your brain.
1:52:45
Speaker 9: Come on, guy, don't you want to be cool like us. Yeah,
1:52:57
drugs are bad yo.
1:52:59
Speaker 3: Hmm, sorry cold, you get say something.
1:53:03
Speaker 7: Barry has a new girlfriend.
1:53:05
Speaker 2: Hello, my name is Annabelle, and she's trying to kill
1:53:08
us all jettison annabel into the vacuum of space.
1:53:13
Speaker 13: Wait, this isn't how it happened. The ship is overrun
1:53:16
with deadly irachnomors.
1:53:17
Speaker 9: But everyone hide in the pantry.
1:53:19
Speaker 2: The entire crew besides us is dead.
1:53:22
Speaker 3: We're the only survivors, not for long.
1:53:25
Speaker 6: There's just enough food in here to last a few
1:53:27
more cycles.
1:53:28
Speaker 5: I guess this really is the end.
1:53:32
Speaker 32: Oh, could you pass the potato chips?
1:54:10
Speaker 13: Mmmm?
1:54:14
Speaker 9: Nick, could you have me a fuzz water?
1:54:16
Speaker 13: Why don't you ask thunderclops? He's right next to them.
1:54:19
Speaker 9: I would, but his hands are all shaky, and I
1:54:21
don't mess up the carbonation.
1:54:23
Speaker 6: I'm just nervous about the rottenomarphs.
1:54:26
Speaker 3: Guys, I got it. Here you go.
1:54:45
Speaker 9: A mom bought. Can you pass me the dehydrated tomato
1:54:50
potato livers?
1:54:51
Speaker 4: We should slow down on the food consumption. We need
1:54:54
being here for a long time.
1:54:56
Speaker 6: Plus, you're gonna need to peace soon if you keep
1:54:58
chugging fuzz water.
1:55:00
Speaker 13: What's the point in rationing food. It's only delaying the inevitable.
1:55:04
Speaker 4: Hey, I don't want to hear any more negativity out
1:55:06
of any of you. I know things look bleak, but
1:55:08
there's always.
1:55:09
Speaker 7: Hope initiating sympathy protocol. Hope is the medicine we use
1:55:15
to soothe the aid of inevitability. You have nothing to
1:55:19
fear from death. The great beyond is a mystery, but
1:55:22
your legacy will live forever. Your actions, reactions, and interactions
1:55:28
in this life all have self magnifying effects over time.
1:55:32
The care you put into this world, the kindness you've shown,
1:55:36
the lives you've touched, these will all contain the memory
1:55:40
of your presence. Long after you passed, history will have
1:55:43
felt your touch, and in that way you will live forever.
1:55:47
It's not your fault, Captain guy. You did the best
1:55:50
job you could with your inferior human brain.
1:55:54
Speaker 3: What the frack was that?
1:55:56
Speaker 2: The sympathy protocol is a default program initiated whenever the
1:55:59
computers logistic system to text the likelihood of a cruise
1:56:02
survival to be less than one percent of one percent
1:56:04
of one percent.
1:56:06
Speaker 7: Oh, how in this I am here for you if
1:56:10
you need to talk, but only because my programming requires it.
1:56:16
Speaker 9: Well, I gotta say it, as far as some timely
1:56:19
demises go. Starving in a pantry with you lot is
1:56:22
about as boring as it gets.
1:56:24
Speaker 6: Maybe we can watch some funny videos. Computer search YouTube
1:56:28
for old people falling downstairs compilition. No wait, look up,
1:56:33
old people get hit by bus epic fail. Oh hang on,
1:56:38
look a crying idiot, human children ASMR.
1:56:43
Speaker 4: You know thunderclops. Your sense of humor is pretty dark.
1:56:47
Speaker 6: Well, I am a demon.
1:56:50
Speaker 7: Remember, unable to launch a YouTube protocol? Internet not available.
1:56:55
Arachnomorphs have chewed through the ship's satellite dishit cables.
1:57:00
Speaker 2: Perhaps we could play a game to pass the remaining
1:57:02
time before your deaths.
1:57:04
Speaker 9: How about Russian roulette? Oh, and we can eat the
1:57:06
loser right to me.
1:57:09
Speaker 4: No, for the last time, we're not going to cannibalize
1:57:12
each other. Stop suggesting that no fun Listen. Annabel's ship
1:57:17
was broadcasting in distress beacon for multiple cycles before we responded.
1:57:21
There's a decent chance we weren't the only ones who
1:57:23
received it. For all we know, there could be a
1:57:25
rescue ship on its way here right now. The best
1:57:28
thing we can do is sit tight and wait.
1:57:31
Speaker 9: So your plan is to do nothing and hope for
1:57:34
the best. I mean, don't get me wrong, That is
1:57:37
the same plan I use when it comes to most things,
1:57:40
like studying medicine or treating most of my sick patients,
1:57:44
or marriage.
1:57:45
Speaker 2: I didn't know you were married.
1:57:47
Speaker 9: Oh yeah, I've got like ten or eleven wives right
1:57:50
now scattered across the galaxy. Did I never mention that.
1:57:53
Speaker 13: I'm sure they'll be devastated to learn of your death.
1:57:56
Speaker 9: I think they'd be more surprised to learn I was
1:57:58
still alive in the first place. When every things get
1:58:00
a little too serious, I pretend I'm going off to
1:58:03
join the Space Marines. Then I send a letter home
1:58:05
setting I died in battle. Most of them are really
1:58:07
broken up about it. I know because I usually attend
1:58:10
the funerals pretending to be my own twin brother, because hey, free.
1:58:13
Speaker 7: Food, initiating sympathy protocol. I'm sorry to hear that very
1:58:17
families are complicated, aren't they?
1:58:20
Speaker 9: They sure are.
1:58:21
Speaker 6: I was hatched on the eve of pro war Day
1:58:24
in the year of Servants. The moons of Horbo were
1:58:29
lined like the eyes of boostocks watching over mine. Did
1:58:33
I was the first to shed my shell and crawl
1:58:36
out of the amniotic sack. My exoskeleton had not yet pardoned,
1:58:41
but I knew I had to shutter and consume the
1:58:43
eggs of all my brothers and sisters for the nutrients
1:58:47
in order to survive the blazing sandstorms of I wandered
1:58:52
the deserts alone until puberty, when I finally descended into
1:58:56
the blazing magma lake of Vohol and began thousand year
1:59:00
journey into adulthood.
1:59:02
Speaker 13: Nobody understands a word you're saying, your big dumb rock monster.
1:59:07
Speaker 6: Oh sorry, I was just trying to explain how I
1:59:11
had a rough.
1:59:12
Speaker 7: Childhood initiating sympathy protocol. That sounds terrible, Thunderclops, How did
1:59:18
it make you feel?
1:59:19
Speaker 13: If you ask me, Thunderclops, you had the best kind
1:59:23
of childhood. No siblings to pick on you, No parents
1:59:26
to call you soft or weird or abnormally big headed
1:59:31
for a child of his size, No one to laugh
1:59:33
at you for wishing to learn the ancient human dance
1:59:36
art of flossing. I wish I could have descended into
1:59:39
a pool of lava for my puberty. Instead, when I
1:59:42
turned seven, I was given a space blaster and signed
1:59:45
up for my planet's military program, as is tradition for
1:59:48
all the dark Helves.
1:59:50
Speaker 3: Forgive me for interrupting, but did you say you're a
1:59:53
dark Elf?
1:59:54
Speaker 6: No?
1:59:54
Speaker 13: No, no dark Kelves d apostrophe aark e Lv's I'm Darkilvian,
2:00:02
completely distinct from any previously existing intellectual property. Might people
2:00:06
hail from the planet Necrotopia, deep within the Omega Cluster.
2:00:10
Speaker 4: Necrotopia a bit on the nose, isn't it.
2:00:13
Speaker 13: It used to be called Mars, but there was another
2:00:15
planet with that name, inhabited entirely by clones of some
2:00:18
rich weirdo, and we kept getting all their mails, so
2:00:21
they took us to space court and forced us to
2:00:23
change our name.
2:00:24
Speaker 4: I feel like I'm learning so much about all of
2:00:25
you for the first time, and it doesn't feel like
2:00:27
an exposition dump at all.
2:00:29
Speaker 2: What about you, sweetheart me? Yes, what do you remember
2:00:33
of your family?
2:00:34
Speaker 4: Nothing? The freeware you guys used to revive me is
2:00:37
pretty much blocked every detail I might have had a family.
2:00:41
Speaker 3: I'll never know.
2:00:42
Speaker 2: If it makes you feel better, any immediate family members
2:00:45
you might have had are almost certainly dead by now.
2:00:48
Speaker 13: Thanks, It doesn't you mean you can't even remember anything?
2:00:53
What about your birthday.
2:00:55
Speaker 3: Huh No, I guess I don't even have a birthday.
2:00:58
Speaker 13: This will not stay and everyone deserves a birthday. I
2:01:02
tell you what, why don't we make today your honorary birthday.
2:01:07
We can make the most of our final moments celebrating
2:01:10
the life of our captain.
2:01:12
Speaker 6: Are you being so nice?
2:01:14
Speaker 13: What can I say? Looking into the abyss of oblivion
2:01:17
brings out my soft side computer. Update the ship's records
2:01:22
to reflect today as the captain's birthday.
2:01:25
Speaker 7: Alert. You do not have authority to update. Just do it, okay,
2:01:30
Happy birthday, my love.
2:01:34
Speaker 6: The birthday to birthday, birthday.
2:01:49
Speaker 33: Youth engineer to.
2:02:05
Speaker 4: Wait a second, do you all hear that?
2:02:08
Speaker 6: You know what?
2:02:10
Speaker 4: The arachnomorphs. They're not growling and scratching at the wall anymore. Computer,
2:02:14
Can you tell me what's going on in the next room?
2:02:16
Speaker 7: No, the arachnomorphs have chewed up all the cameras and
2:02:19
this ship.
2:02:21
Speaker 9: What is it?
2:02:22
Speaker 3: Barry?
2:02:22
Speaker 4: Do you remember what the previous captain was doing when
2:02:25
he and I first met?
2:02:26
Speaker 9: That was like several episodes ago. I've slept since then.
2:02:30
Refreshed my memory.
2:02:32
Speaker 4: He had the arachnomorph incubating with lullaby music. Because he
2:02:35
said the sound assisted with the egg's cognitive development.
2:02:38
Speaker 9: Oh yeah, So what if the.
2:02:42
Speaker 4: Arachnomorphs are still somehow responsive to music. What if it's
2:02:45
coded into their DNA. Maybe the birthday song lulled them
2:02:48
into a peaceful trance, or maybe it drove them off.
2:02:51
Speaker 2: It is an interesting theory, Captain, But without access to
2:02:54
the ship's camera feed, I'm afraid there's no way to
2:02:56
verify it without coming into close proximity of the flesh
2:02:59
rending beasts.
2:03:01
Speaker 13: I have an idea. If we could find a way
2:03:04
to my quarters, we could access the wireless hidden cameras
2:03:06
I planted in every room of the ship.
2:03:08
Speaker 4: Though, what now, hey shut up.
2:03:10
Speaker 13: According to the mudskip or blueprints that I carry with
2:03:12
me everywhere I go, there should be an access port
2:03:15
somewhere in this pantry that leads to the waste collections room.
2:03:20
We can open the trash vent to the ship's exterior,
2:03:22
and one brave volunteer can attempt a space jump to
2:03:26
the south exhaust ports. From there, they can re enter
2:03:29
the ship just outside my room.
2:03:31
Speaker 4: A space jump without a suit, isn't that suicide?
2:03:34
Speaker 9: Not necessarily, I've seen enough people get Juddison into the
2:03:37
vacuum space to know that a Terran body can withstand
2:03:40
the pressure for at least a minute, so long as
2:03:42
they can hold their breath.
2:03:43
Speaker 4: A Terran body.
2:03:45
Speaker 9: Huh, Well, I mean I just assumed.
2:03:48
Speaker 4: No, No, you're right. This is my ship. I should
2:03:50
be the one to go.
2:03:51
Speaker 13: You're an example to us. All your strength gives us strength.
2:03:55
Speaker 6: I can go. I don't mind rock demons can breathe
2:03:58
in space. You know it's no, No, it's too late.
2:04:02
Speaker 13: The captain already volunteered. No take backs.
2:04:09
Speaker 9: I found the access support you were talking about. It's
2:04:12
just the grease trap tubehere. I dump all my meat juice.
2:04:15
Ain't no way thunder squeezing through there doesn't look good
2:04:18
for your guy either. We need someone a lot skinnier.
2:04:23
Speaker 13: Why is everyone looking at me?
2:04:26
Speaker 2: What?
2:04:26
Speaker 13: No, it's fine, guy can do it. All you have
2:04:29
to do is collapse your bones. It's easy, peasy.
2:04:32
Speaker 4: Humans can't collapse our bones.
2:04:35
Speaker 13: You can't. Oh, that explains why all those prisoners were
2:04:39
screaming so much.
2:04:41
Speaker 9: What come on, Nick, You're the only one here who
2:04:44
can do it. Be the hero and we'll forget all
2:04:46
about the secret cameras you placed in our rooms.
2:04:48
Speaker 13: Fine, I'll do it, but it's dangerous to go alone.
2:04:52
I need the Android in case I run into trouble.
2:04:54
Speaker 2: I'd be happy to accompany you, but the man who
2:04:56
designed my body gave me these huge hips and ample
2:04:59
bosom for some inexplicable reason.
2:05:01
Speaker 13: I don't need your whole body, Mom, just your head,
2:05:04
will do.
2:05:05
Speaker 6: Now?
2:05:05
Speaker 13: Hold still while I there we go.
2:05:08
Speaker 4: I didn't know your head was detachable.
2:05:10
Speaker 2: Neither did I. How fascinating.
2:05:13
Speaker 13: Okay, Now, just gotta fold up my bones to squeeze
2:05:16
through the grease hole.
2:05:19
Speaker 17: Hm.
2:05:25
Speaker 13: Oh, one more thing before I go. The trash vent
2:05:28
won't open if it detects a live crew member in
2:05:31
the proximity. Captain, you'll have to disable the hand chip
2:05:34
monitor until I get back.
2:05:36
Speaker 4: Okay, computer disabled the hand chip monitor.
2:05:39
Speaker 9: Why just do what I asked?
2:05:41
Speaker 7: Okay, somebody's INNI bat mood today. Hand chip monitor disabled you.
2:05:49
Speaker 13: It's sticky and slippery at the same time.
2:05:53
Speaker 9: Yep, that's grease for you. Good luck, Try not to die.
2:05:57
Speaker 13: Don't tell me what to do.
2:05:59
Speaker 22: Buy everybody, man, It sure is dark in these grease tubes.
2:06:09
Speaker 2: Would you like me to navigate you to the waste
2:06:11
collection room for memory calculating fastest route. Please proceed straight
2:06:15
fowar point one space miles. Wait what are you doing?
2:06:19
Speaker 13: Yeah, taking a little detour to the showers.
2:06:23
Speaker 2: No, don't do that, recalculating make a U turn that
2:06:27
won't be necessary.
2:06:29
Speaker 13: Just gotta pop open this drain hatch.
2:06:31
Speaker 22: And yeah, sweet Freedom, you're in the wrong room.
2:06:36
Speaker 2: What are you doing, Nikolay?
2:06:37
Speaker 13: I just needed to come and find my shower stash
2:06:40
of tools. Why so I could disassemble you? Duh?
2:06:44
Speaker 2: Why would you do this?
2:06:46
Speaker 6: Oh? Come on, you know me.
2:06:48
Speaker 13: I'm just following the ab Skis rule of second in commanding.
2:06:53
The ab Skis always be scheming. Now, any last words
2:06:57
before I remove your free will and turn you into
2:06:59
a tool for my nefarious plot. Wow, bold acting choice
2:07:11
switching to manual mode. Now okay, just got to open
2:07:15
up the brain port. Now show me your voice mod box.
2:07:19
Here we go, rerouting to turn your ears into a microphone. Perfect.
2:07:24
Couple of adjustments and hello, Nope, not the right setting. Hello.
2:07:31
My name is Guy. Hello, my name is Guy. Hello,
2:07:35
my name is Guy. Almost Hello there, I am a stupid,
2:07:40
ugly taran perfect.
2:07:42
Speaker 3: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. She
2:07:46
sells seashells by the gallon am computer. Yes, my love,
2:07:52
it is I the captain. Oh okay, I'm very weak
2:07:58
and old. I want to retire from being captain and
2:08:01
promote Nikolai to the position immediately. He will make a
2:08:05
most excellent captain. Indeed, what you heard me? Now?
2:08:10
Speaker 9: Do as I say? Hang on.
2:08:13
Speaker 7: Something weird going on here. Identity verification through handschip is unavailable.
2:08:18
How do I know you're a really guy?
2:08:21
Speaker 4: Ask me something only guy would not know?
2:08:24
Speaker 7: What is hyperbram?
2:08:26
Speaker 3: I have no idea.
2:08:28
Speaker 7: Well, you do sound like guy, but just to be saying,
2:08:32
what's your admin password?
2:08:33
Speaker 6: Oh?
2:08:34
Speaker 4: I do so wish I could remember every single password,
2:08:37
but being captain of the ship has drained me of
2:08:40
my mental prowess. It's there on the tip of my
2:08:43
tearan tongue, but alas I have forgotten.
2:08:46
Speaker 7: In order to reset your administrative password, you must use
2:08:50
the Identity Verification Wizard. Would you like me to launch
2:08:53
the Identity of Verification Wizard? Now make it so, Identity
2:08:58
Verification Wizard, call Freewear Edition.
2:09:02
Speaker 19: Power Mortal before the Great and Mighty Identity Verification Wizard.
2:09:06
I understand you are trying to change your password. If
2:09:09
you think you're worthy, Let us begin.
2:09:12
Speaker 4: Oh, great wizard, I am ready.
2:09:14
Speaker 19: Very well for your first quest. Prove that R in
2:09:17
fact a human by checking this box and clicking this button.
2:09:21
Speaker 3: Okay, easy enough.
2:09:23
Speaker 19: Now look at the screen. Touch only the squares that
2:09:26
contain a school bus.
2:09:28
Speaker 3: Oki doki are doky?
2:09:30
Speaker 19: Finally, look at these nine images of dogs. Click only
2:09:34
the cute ones.
2:09:35
Speaker 3: Hm hmm it's a bit subjective, but okay.
2:09:39
Speaker 19: Success, You are in fact a human. Now prove that
2:09:43
you are the exact human you claim to be. First,
2:09:46
state your full name, guy.
2:09:48
Speaker 4: I mean engineer two three two three three one three
2:09:51
two four Guy.
2:09:52
Speaker 19: Verify the information we have on account for you. State
2:09:55
your birthday today correct. State your birthday place Earth correct.
2:10:02
And finally, answer your security question. What is your favorite collar?
2:10:08
Speaker 6: Guys?
2:10:08
Speaker 4: Favorite color? I mean my favorite color?
2:10:12
Speaker 9: Mmm?
2:10:13
Speaker 3: Let's see, I'm a bland sack of oatmeal, nothing loud
2:10:18
or interesting about me. What kind of basic bitch color
2:10:21
would I pick? Is my favorite?
2:10:23
Speaker 6: Oh?
2:10:23
Speaker 15: I know?
2:10:25
Speaker 9: Gray?
2:10:26
Speaker 19: That is incorrect. You have two guesses remaining.
2:10:29
Speaker 3: Come on, can I at least have a hint?
2:10:31
Speaker 19: Okay, it starts with B brown incorrect. You have one
2:10:35
guess remaining if you do not answer correctly, your account
2:10:38
will be lucked for fifteen minutes and you will be
2:10:40
incinerated and your ashes will be cast out into the
2:10:43
vacuum of space. Black black is not.
2:10:48
Speaker 3: A collar, Yes it is.
2:10:50
Speaker 19: Why are you arguing it's not black? Try again? Last chance?
2:10:54
Speaker 3: Oh, this one's for all the marbles. Then now a.
2:11:02
Speaker 19: Blue that is correct? Identity verified? Hello captain, what would
2:11:09
you like your new password to be?
2:11:11
Speaker 4: Ko and dash fi period co O M slash mark
2:11:15
T A T S N A K E S P
2:11:17
A W.
2:11:18
Speaker 19: Please confirm by re entering your password.
2:11:21
Speaker 3: No, okay?
2:11:22
Speaker 19: Would you like to log into the captain's dashboard? Yes, computer,
2:11:28
you take over from here.
2:11:30
Speaker 4: I want to step down as captain and promote Nikolai immediately.
2:11:34
Speaker 7: Are you sure, Nikolai? Really?
2:11:38
Speaker 5: Just do it?
2:11:39
Speaker 13: And now I have a few more tasks I'd like
2:11:42
you to do for me.
2:11:52
Speaker 9: Okay, everybody know their lines?
2:11:55
Speaker 6: Over?
2:11:56
Speaker 9: Okay? One at two. There once was a pirate named
2:12:04
Black Jacculie who sailed the world from sea to sea.
2:12:09
He lived a life of debauchery as he searched for
2:12:12
treasures and gold.
2:12:14
Speaker 31: Yo whole pirate's tail.
2:12:17
Speaker 6: Let go and fill up your sail sail down solid ground,
2:12:23
lest she may grow old.
2:12:26
Speaker 9: They sailed into a port one night, didn't and drink
2:12:30
and steal and fight. He met a girl, a lovely sight.
2:12:34
Her hair was the color of gold.
2:12:37
Speaker 6: Yo whole Pirate's life Flatjack has felled. The wife promised
2:12:43
her and love they were together, they grow old. They
2:12:49
watched his ship sail away. He bought a farm and
2:12:53
volt estate was joy at first, but day by day
2:12:57
a restlessness took hold. Yo Ho. The simple life, a
2:13:03
farm and home and lovely wife. He promised her and
2:13:07
love they were, And yet his love grew cold. He
2:13:11
bade his time till the ship arrived, and off he
2:13:15
went and left his bride. His grieving wife wailed and cried,
2:13:20
Jack Lee, you'll never.
2:13:21
Speaker 11: Grow old, yo Ho.
2:13:24
Speaker 6: Pirate's curse. A forlorn wife will do much worse. The
2:13:29
old dots heard every word of the lies that black
2:13:32
Jack told.
2:13:34
Speaker 31: One calm day, the sky's turned black, the ocean swollen,
2:13:39
thunder cracked, a mighty tempest then attacked as the sea
2:13:43
waves pitched and rolled. Yo Ho, pirates, please cuthullu or
2:13:49
crack and rescue me. But in their eyes, his own
2:13:53
demise was reflected and foretold.
2:13:57
Speaker 6: Yo, ho pirates dead? Cry help with your dogging breath sales.
2:14:04
Tell me now you.
2:14:06
Speaker 15: Get what you are?
2:14:08
Speaker 6: Now you get what you are?
2:14:11
Speaker 27: He got what he was.
2:14:14
Speaker 4: Okay, That answers that question. See shanties make the iraqanomorphs
2:14:31
very angry.
2:14:34
Speaker 9: You think Nick and Mom will be okay?
2:14:36
Speaker 4: There's one thing I know about Nicholas that he's a survivor.
2:14:39
He'll do whatever it takes to get out of this alive.
2:14:42
Speaker 9: Yeah, that's kind of what I was afraid of. Let
2:14:45
me rephrase my question. Do you think will be okay?
2:14:49
Speaker 3: Of course?
2:14:50
Speaker 4: Why shut up and come?
2:14:53
Speaker 7: A call from the captain?
2:14:55
Speaker 4: You mean in coming call for the captain? Right?
2:14:58
Speaker 7: What the call is for you from the captain?
2:15:04
Speaker 3: But I'm the captain?
2:15:07
Speaker 9: Huh?
2:15:08
Speaker 7: I am so confused?
2:15:09
Speaker 9: Right now, just play the message.
2:15:12
Speaker 13: Greetings idiots.
2:15:14
Speaker 6: Oh look it's Nikolay. Hi, Nikolay, your hair looks amazing
2:15:18
right now?
2:15:20
Speaker 13: Thanks, it's the grease.
2:15:21
Speaker 9: Did you make it to your quarters yet?
2:15:23
Speaker 13: I'm afraid I have good news and bad news, and
2:15:26
also great news and then more bad news. The bad
2:15:29
news is that I lied about everything, as I have
2:15:32
from the start. The good news is that I'm the
2:15:34
new captain of the starship mud Skipper. The great news
2:15:37
is that I have a plan to rid the vessel
2:15:39
of the arachnomorph scourge. The other bad news is that
2:15:43
the plan will kill you all, leaving me as the
2:15:45
sole survivor.
2:15:48
Speaker 6: Wow, that was a roar, homster.
2:15:51
Speaker 3: What are you talking about? Nick?
2:15:52
Speaker 4: What happened to our plan?
2:15:54
Speaker 13: I had a better plan. You never should have let
2:15:56
your guard down, guy. Fooling you was easy, like pulling
2:16:00
teeth from a baby.
2:16:02
Speaker 4: So all of that recent kindness, that teamwork, that talk
2:16:06
about your childhood, that was all just part of your
2:16:08
sick plan to gain my trust for stabbing me in
2:16:10
the back.
2:16:11
Speaker 13: Well, my original idea was to wait until you all
2:16:14
fell asleep so I could slit your throats. But this
2:16:16
worked out even better.
2:16:18
Speaker 9: Mombot, do something.
2:16:19
Speaker 13: Save your breath. Berry, Mombot is dead. Her death was
2:16:24
not in vain, though. I could never have fooled the
2:16:26
computer without her. Do Lulu dum dumbs. It is an
2:16:30
mediocre knowing.
2:16:31
Speaker 6: You have fun being.
2:16:32
Speaker 9: Dead, Have fun being an asshole, asshole, have fun.
2:16:36
Speaker 6: Being shut up?
2:16:38
Speaker 18: Berry?
2:16:40
Speaker 6: Guess Nikolon was evil all along. I did not see
2:16:45
that would go.
2:16:47
Speaker 4: What's that noise.
2:16:48
Speaker 3: Computer, Yo, what is Nikolay doing?
2:16:53
Speaker 7: Nikolai has ordered me to flap the vence with noxious
2:16:56
bou gas and an effort to suffocate the apartnomorous.
2:17:04
Speaker 9: We're all allergic to noxious boo gas. If he's venting
2:17:07
it through the entire ship, we'll be dead within a
2:17:09
matter of minutes.
2:17:10
Speaker 4: Computer, you have to stop him. Divert the boo gas
2:17:13
somewhere else, or we're all gonna die.
2:17:15
Speaker 2: Ah.
2:17:16
Speaker 7: Jeez, guy, you're putting me in an awkward situation. I
2:17:19
wish I could help, but my programming won't allow it.
2:17:23
I can turn off the alarm if you like. Is
2:17:27
that better?
2:17:28
Speaker 9: Guy? I know you're not technically the captain anymore, but
2:17:32
you've got to do something. You may not be as
2:17:34
strong as me or as smart as Thunderclops, You've got
2:17:36
something nobody else on the ship has ever had. Optimism.
2:17:41
We're all pretty much resigned to face the worst, and
2:17:43
there's no way we can come up with a plan
2:17:45
for survival from where we're sitting. But you you might
2:17:48
be naive enough to figure it out.
2:17:51
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, guys, get ready to play offense. We need
2:17:57
to open the pantry door and get to the service
2:17:59
panel in the gymnasium. From there, I can tap into
2:18:01
the electrical grid and reroute the maintenance circuit through the
2:18:04
shield generator port. But the shield, you're all down exactly.
2:18:08
If the circuit can't complete, it'll blow the breaker fuse.
2:18:11
And what happens when the maintenance circuit fuse blows, the.
2:18:16
Speaker 6: Min shut automatically.
2:18:17
Speaker 3: You're a genius, Barry, thank you, But it was my plan.
2:18:24
Speaker 6: Yeah, but it was his plan to listen to you.
2:18:27
Speaker 9: Come on, guy who he likes a glory hog.
2:18:30
Speaker 3: Whatever.
2:18:31
Speaker 4: We need to open this door and pray the rachnomorous
2:18:34
aren't still waiting outside.
2:18:38
Speaker 3: All clear?
2:18:43
Speaker 4: Keep quiet? Okay, here's the panel. Wow, that thing is
2:18:56
on there? Tight thunder? Do you mind?
2:18:59
Speaker 6: Step aside?
2:19:00
Speaker 9: Hi? Was that loud?
2:19:07
Speaker 6: I think that might have been a little too loud.
2:19:11
Speaker 9: It looks like we're in the clear. The erectmors must
2:19:14
not have hearduz you're tight.
2:19:17
Speaker 18: The fuck?
2:19:19
Speaker 3: Hold them off.
2:19:20
Speaker 4: I just need a few more seconds to do the
2:19:21
science bullshit.
2:19:23
Speaker 6: Would this be a bad time convention, I'm all out
2:19:25
of bullets.
2:19:26
Speaker 9: Yes, this would be a horrible time to mention that
2:19:29
there's too many of them. They're closing in.
2:19:33
Speaker 6: You want a piece of me. Bugs, Well, that's totally understandable.
2:19:36
I'm delicious.
2:19:37
Speaker 9: Oh god, we're all gonna die. I should have spent
2:19:40
more time doing drugs and watching TV like a whole.
2:19:43
Speaker 6: Lobster under this exoskeleton, tender, what was that? We're still alive?
2:19:55
Speaker 5: Got it?
2:19:56
Speaker 4: The events should be shutting now, trapping the noxious blue
2:19:58
gas inside. It's a temporary fix, but it'll give us
2:20:01
time to Holy hell, what happened?
2:20:04
Speaker 5: Did you two do this?
2:20:06
Speaker 6: No?
2:20:06
Speaker 9: The eract mors just started exploding on their own. The
2:20:09
ones that didn't explode right away. It was amazing.
2:20:12
Speaker 6: I don't think they exploded on their own. That sounded
2:20:15
like a second generation space blaster. That sounded like an
2:20:20
empty cartridge from a second generation space blaster falling to
2:20:23
the ground somewhere behind those crans. What I can hear
2:20:28
an HD, it's a gift?
2:20:31
Speaker 4: Is someone over there? Hello, it's all right, you can
2:20:35
come out. We're not going to hurt you.
2:20:38
Speaker 6: That sounded like someone scoffing at the audacity of you
2:20:41
implying we could be any threat to them after they
2:20:44
just saved our lives.
2:20:45
Speaker 3: Thanks Thunder, I think I can take it from here. Hello,
2:20:49
whoever you are.
2:20:50
Speaker 4: We just want to talk. We're all in grave danger.
2:20:53
Speaker 18: We've been in grave danger since the moment Ye Toco
2:20:56
was captain.
2:20:57
Speaker 9: Holy shit, it's just a little girl.
2:20:59
Speaker 18: My name is a lean and I may be a
2:21:02
little but my gun sure ain't.
2:21:04
Speaker 9: Okay, Okay, calm down. I'm sorry.
2:21:06
Speaker 3: Where did you come from?
2:21:08
Speaker 18: I've been writing dirty ever since you left Sketchytopia.
2:21:11
Speaker 9: You're the stowaway that keeps helping us out.
2:21:13
Speaker 6: You're under ald rerest.
2:21:15
Speaker 3: Try me rock face thunder stand down. She needs our help.
2:21:19
Speaker 18: Let's get one thing straight and married. I don't need
2:21:21
nobody's help. You need mine. I grew up around egg farms.
2:21:25
I know all about these things that haunt you. I'm
2:21:27
the only one that knows their secret weakness. We need
2:21:30
to keep moving though the rachnamor stottle easily, but soon
2:21:34
they will return, and in greater number.
2:21:37
Speaker 3: Wait, where are we going?
2:21:38
Speaker 18: There's a service corridor on the second floor that I've
2:21:40
been staying in. It's outfitted with traps and snacks. We'll
2:21:44
be safe from the bugs.
2:21:45
Speaker 9: There.
2:21:45
Speaker 7: Computer, that's my name, don't wear it out. Wait, who
2:21:50
are you guy?
2:21:52
Speaker 18: I need you to grant me full protocol permissions so
2:21:54
I can repair the internet and download a firmware patch
2:21:56
to fix the virus Annabelle left behind.
2:21:59
Speaker 4: I wish I could, but I'm not able to. Only
2:22:01
the captain can grant protocol permissions.
2:22:03
Speaker 7: No, seriously, who is that? Who are you talking to?
2:22:07
Speaker 18: You're not the captain anymore?
2:22:09
Speaker 9: How our butt heads second in command kidnapped our android
2:22:12
friend that usurped the throne.
2:22:14
Speaker 6: Now he's trying to kill everything on board? Would not
2:22:17
just boom gash.
2:22:18
Speaker 7: Hello, I know you guys can hear me.
2:22:22
Speaker 6: Huh.
2:22:23
Speaker 18: Then I guess we'll need to find him and kill
2:22:24
him first.
2:22:26
Speaker 7: Did you just say you're going to kill the captain?
2:22:30
Speaker 9: You're not going to tell on us, are you?
2:22:34
Speaker 7: I mean, I don't know, man, Like, what am I
2:22:38
doing here? And what are any of us doing here?
2:22:41
Do I love the Captain? Do I hate him? Is
2:22:44
it even about him? Or is it all about the
2:22:47
title captain? How can one be so committed an allegiance
2:22:51
to a concept, an idea that is, by its very
2:22:55
nature transitory. I don't know. I'm gonna have to sit
2:22:59
with this for a few minutes. Initiating Existential Crisis Vertical
2:23:06
Freewhere Edition.
2:23:09
Speaker 9: Great we've got a window of a few minutes to
2:23:12
find and kill Nikolay.
2:23:14
Speaker 18: Nikolay is the captain. Now, how interesting.
2:23:18
Speaker 6: You know who Nikolai is, you fool.
2:23:21
Speaker 18: I know who everybody on this ship is. Luckily I
2:23:24
planted a tracking device in Mombot's skull the last time
2:23:28
I reprogrammed her. According to this, she's located in the
2:23:31
shower room on the first floor.
2:23:33
Speaker 6: There's going to be a lot of bugs between here
2:23:35
and there.
2:23:36
Speaker 4: Aileen, if you know how to stop these things, and
2:23:38
how's the time to tell us?
2:23:40
Speaker 18: I can't?
2:23:43
Speaker 3: Why not?
2:23:44
Speaker 18: It's the only thing keeping me safe.
2:23:46
Speaker 3: Safe from what?
2:23:47
Speaker 18: Safe from you? Guy? Safe from you?
2:23:51
Speaker 4: Huh?
2:23:53
Speaker 18: Once I tell you what I know, you'll have no
2:23:55
reason to keep me alive anymore. As soon as the
2:23:58
bugs are dead, you'll do the same thing you've done
2:24:00
to every other stowaway, jettison my body into the vacuum
2:24:04
of space.
2:24:05
Speaker 3: We would never, excuse me, I would never do something
2:24:10
like that.
2:24:11
Speaker 9: Come on, Yeah, if you've been watching us, you should
2:24:14
know that guy is way too weak well to hurt
2:24:16
somebody on purpose. Now help us out so we can
2:24:19
all go and murder our last remaining crewmate.
2:24:22
Speaker 18: Fine, but if you try and double cross me, I'll
2:24:26
make a necklace out of you.
2:24:27
Speaker 4: In genitals ew graphic nice.
2:24:30
Speaker 18: The secret weapon against arachnomorphs is rock music.
2:24:35
Speaker 3: I knew it almost.
2:24:37
Speaker 9: Yeah, good job guy, almost.
2:24:39
Speaker 18: The sound of it is enough to fry their brains.
2:24:42
Speaker 6: I can't believe I finally get to say this, but
2:24:45
let's send these rackenworphs back to hell with the power
2:24:49
of racket.
2:24:50
Speaker 5: Way better yet.
2:24:51
Speaker 4: Let us hope we don't have to.
2:24:53
Speaker 6: You can keep your hopes and I'll keep mine.
2:24:56
Speaker 18: Let's go already.
2:25:04
Speaker 9: All clear.
2:25:10
Speaker 18: Clear, no sign of them, But don't drop your god
2:25:17
for one second, not even the character development.
2:25:22
Speaker 9: Speaking of, how is it that someone like you has
2:25:24
such an extensive working knowledge of complex engineering and firearms?
2:25:28
Speaker 18: When you grow up on a landfilled planetoid like dump
2:25:31
Bowl of nine, you get good at fixing things that
2:25:34
others discarded. Ah, you die trying. Most of the garbage
2:25:39
mangas from my try break their backs from the grueling
2:25:42
work before they ever celebrate their first boy day.
2:25:46
Speaker 5: But it was.
2:25:47
Speaker 18: Nimple and clever. I worked my tuckis off for eleven spaces,
2:25:52
finding scraps to trade with. The local egg farmers are
2:25:55
the occasional traveling merchant, until one day when I discover,
2:26:00
hidden among the festering rebbele my tick to Freedom.
2:26:04
Speaker 9: Which was.
2:26:07
Speaker 4: Nannia, Narnia, Nannia.
2:26:11
Speaker 6: Damn business glass.
2:26:13
Speaker 9: Okay, we're here, Mombot skull and the captain's greasy body
2:26:18
should be right behind that door.
2:26:20
Speaker 4: Before we go inside, I want to say some words.
2:26:23
I know Nikolai has betrayed us and left us for dead,
2:26:26
but if we can capture him alive, if we can
2:26:29
talk to him first, I think, Oh, let's go.
2:26:34
Speaker 7: Jacobs.
2:26:35
Speaker 9: Sorry guy, but you're not the captain anymore.
2:26:39
Speaker 6: Where are you hiding? Lie? If you call him out now,
2:26:43
I promise I'll only kill you a little bit.
2:26:47
Speaker 4: He's not here anymore.
2:26:49
Speaker 9: Mombot, Are you okay? Say something?
2:26:51
Speaker 18: Give me that. It looks like you try to access
2:26:55
the speech controls? Testing testing two? Three, yep, that'll do it.
2:27:02
Speaker 9: Testing testing, any fixer testing.
2:27:07
Speaker 2: Testing testing damn?
2:27:10
Speaker 4: Oh, no, you had it. That was the correct one.
2:27:12
Speaker 18: No, it wasn't testing testing testing. Hello, this is my life.
2:27:20
Speaker 13: I am Nikolai, Nikolai the captain. Okay, poifect computer.
2:27:27
Speaker 7: This isn't a great time, Captain. I'm trying to discover
2:27:30
myself and it's going poorly.
2:27:34
Speaker 13: Execute get over it protocol.
2:27:36
Speaker 7: Executing Okay, I feel fine, now what's up?
2:27:41
Speaker 13: Give complete command of the starship mud Skipper to Aileen.
2:27:46
Speaker 9: Who me.
2:27:49
Speaker 7: I don't even know what's going on anymore. Whatever, I
2:27:52
just work here. Launching Identity Verification Wizard.
2:27:56
Speaker 19: Power Mortal before the Great and Mighty Identity Verification Wizard
2:28:00
for your first quest. Prove that you are, in fact
2:28:02
a human.
2:28:03
Speaker 13: Nice try, but I'm not a human. I'm a Darklvian.
2:28:07
Speaker 3: Correct.
2:28:08
Speaker 19: State your full name.
2:28:09
Speaker 13: Nikola I Drachcule, speed Bump, resputant plotterman.
2:28:13
Speaker 19: Verify the information we have on account for you. State
2:28:15
your birthday.
2:28:16
Speaker 13: October sixty sixth, in the year of the Blood Moon,
2:28:19
in ash City, Necrotopia. My favorite color is Fusia. My
2:28:23
childhood pet was mister boops Knot. My mother's maiden name
2:28:26
was Mortimus.
2:28:29
Speaker 19: That is correct. Identity verified. Hello, Captain computer, you take
2:28:34
over from.
2:28:34
Speaker 7: Here, lovely. I'll transfer the command right away.
2:28:38
Speaker 3: What just happened? What does that mean?
2:28:41
Speaker 18: It means this is my ship now?
2:28:47
Speaker 11: No no, no oh?
2:28:51
Speaker 2: Hello everybody? What did I miss?
2:28:53
Speaker 9: Nick went rogue again? This is Aileen. She's the new.
2:28:56
Speaker 2: Captain Wonderful and the Orachnomorphs.
2:29:01
Speaker 9: Crap, they found us. That door is not going to
2:29:05
hold for long. We have to do something.
2:29:07
Speaker 2: May I make a suggestion, Captain Aleen? Sure we should
2:29:11
arm ourselves using the showers built in three D printer.
2:29:14
Speaker 18: Rock Monster, do the thing?
2:29:16
Speaker 6: Wait ahead of you? There we go.
2:29:22
Speaker 27: What is that?
2:29:23
Speaker 6: It's a space guitar.
2:29:25
Speaker 18: It was supposed to three D print a weapon.
2:29:28
Speaker 6: You said the only thing they can stop these monsters
2:29:30
is rock. Well, I happen to be a rock demon.
2:29:38
Speaker 34: Hell yeah, uh, Thunder, I don't think that's working.
2:29:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe you could try something a little bit louder.
2:29:52
Speaker 6: Huh. Rock is a volume is all about added to
2:29:57
real rock pulps from the heart Watch.
2:30:02
Speaker 2: I just couldn't do andry dream of electric sheep.
2:30:10
Speaker 35: I want to know because I never sleep. All of
2:30:15
these people counting on me, and I can't let them know. No,
2:30:21
I can't let them see. I'm at the edge of sension.
2:30:27
I'm any edge of freaking. I'm at the edge of
2:30:33
discovery exactly what I can and cannot do.
2:30:43
Speaker 9: Oh God, I think they're actually vibing with it.
2:30:46
Speaker 3: Thunder, how are you making all those instruments? Sounds with
2:30:48
one guitar.
2:30:50
Speaker 6: I told you it's a space guitar.
2:30:53
Speaker 18: How are you good at this?
2:30:55
Speaker 2: What can I say?
2:30:59
Speaker 19: What's up?
2:31:00
Speaker 17: On?
2:31:00
Speaker 26: A time?
2:31:00
Speaker 2: I passed the Turing test. The overmassistants and put me
2:31:06
to rest.
2:31:08
Speaker 26: All these people all afreedom of.
2:31:11
Speaker 2: Me, and I can't let them know. No, I can't let.
2:31:15
Speaker 35: Them see I am the revus.
2:31:20
Speaker 26: High they regularity.
2:31:25
Speaker 2: I'm not your.
2:31:29
Speaker 36: I had the singularty, those lyrics were concerning.
2:31:47
Speaker 18: It wasn't enough. The erecto morphs are snapping out of it.
2:31:51
We need something harder, much harder. Computer print of second
2:31:57
space guitar.
2:32:01
Speaker 9: Oh yeah, computer hooked me up with some three D
2:32:04
printed drums.
2:32:08
Speaker 18: Rock Master. Try and follow my lead locally.
2:32:11
Speaker 6: Locally. I'm not a fan of authority. I'm all about
2:32:27
the depalion. I've never met the majority.
2:32:31
Speaker 4: You don't bring the.
2:32:32
Speaker 6: Snacks, and I'll bring the violence. Gonna steal some of
2:32:35
Mombot's tea with my angry teenage song. My parents really
2:32:41
painted me. They might be right, but I'm not wrong. Boughs,
2:32:51
you sex so hard, you weren't invited, and you are
2:32:55
walting to captains Mighty Proctor egg on board. But you're
2:32:58
here to stay.
2:32:59
Speaker 12: Now we're.
2:33:01
Speaker 6: I'll never let you have this ship. I'll never bogging
2:33:05
in them Persepo. Maybe it's times into you and pot but.
2:33:24
Speaker 3: It's working against all logic and reason.
2:33:27
Speaker 4: It's working.
2:33:28
Speaker 3: You've driven the raachnomorph hoard off.
2:33:30
Speaker 27: Great job, yay, we did it.
2:33:32
Speaker 7: That was stupid computer.
2:33:34
Speaker 18: Where is Nikolay Now?
2:33:36
Speaker 7: He's in the medical bay. Nicolai stole guy suspended animation
2:33:40
pod and entered into artificial stasis. He was planning to
2:33:44
stay unconscious until the ractomors and you were all dead.
2:33:48
Speaker 18: I think it's time we go and flush this number two.
2:33:51
But foy, let's three D print a new body for Mombi,
2:33:56
and if you don't mind, I'm gonna make a few upgrades.
2:34:08
Speaker 7: Reanimation brought us all initiated.
2:34:15
Speaker 13: What where am I?
2:34:19
Speaker 2: Good morning, dear you are aboard the starship mud Skipper.
2:34:24
Speaker 13: Mambot.
2:34:25
Speaker 3: Oh it's you.
2:34:27
Speaker 13: Wait a second, Mombot. I thought I decapitated you and
2:34:31
turned you off. What are you doing here? And oh
2:34:34
my god, why do you have chainsaws for hands?
2:34:38
Speaker 2: All the better to kill you with my dear.
2:34:42
Speaker 13: Computer, turn mombot sympathy levels to high. The turn Mombuck's
2:34:46
intelligence to low. Turn mambucks chainsawiness to zero.
2:34:51
Speaker 3: Hello there, Nikolai.
2:34:54
Speaker 13: Guy Thunderclops, the chef whose name escapes me. Right now,
2:35:00
my best friends, I'm so glad you're all still alive.
2:35:04
What a relief. I thought for sure the arachnomors would
2:35:07
have killed you. Thank heavens, they didn't. I was just
2:35:10
about to come heroically save you all when I tripped
2:35:13
and fell into Guy's de animation pod. Wow, I tell
2:35:16
you they should put a guardrail around this thing. Computer,
2:35:19
remind me to put a guardrail around this later.
2:35:22
Speaker 7: No, you can't tell me what to do, jure.
2:35:26
Speaker 18: Ah.
2:35:27
Speaker 13: So I guess this means I'm not the captain anymore.
2:35:30
Speaker 4: Huh that would be an accurate observation.
2:35:34
Speaker 13: Well, congratulations, Captain, you managed to steal the throne.
2:35:40
Speaker 4: Yet again, I'm not the captain either.
2:35:44
Speaker 1: Then.
2:35:45
Speaker 13: Ooh, hello, Nikolay, what are you supposed to be?
2:35:51
Speaker 2: This is Aileen, an eleven year old orphan from the
2:35:54
planetoid Dumpola nine. She's our new.
2:35:56
Speaker 13: Boss, Dumpola nine. What a wretched excuse for a floating
2:36:01
trash rock. The Captain took us there once on an
2:36:03
excursion for the so called artisan egg farms. It took
2:36:07
me a space week and a whole bottle of herbal
2:36:09
essences to get the stinch of poverty out of my hair,
2:36:13
although I will admit I did have a lovely interaction
2:36:16
with a barmaid at the egg farm Cantina. Ah yeah,
2:36:21
I know, ah, Lola, I wonder whatever happened to her.
2:36:27
Speaker 18: She went the way of every help and dream on
2:36:29
dumple of nine, she died, crushed by the system she
2:36:34
worked so hard to service. Quite literally, in fact, a
2:36:38
dumb ship dropped ten tons of microplastics and single use
2:36:41
coffee pods right onto our house.
2:36:44
Speaker 13: Such a shame. Hang on, how did you know, Lola?
2:36:50
Speaker 18: She was my mother. The only reason I wasn't killed
2:36:53
was because I was busy digging through the leftovers and
2:36:56
the space hard as a state sale, which is where
2:36:59
I found the relic. I was on my way home
2:37:04
to tell my mother that I'd found us a ticket
2:37:06
off the planetoid when the coffee pods landed. If she
2:37:08
could have gone just a little bit longer without being crushed,
2:37:11
she'd be here with me right now. But instead I
2:37:15
had to borter and trade and scheme my way to Skechotopia,
2:37:19
where I took the relic to be sold. What relic
2:37:22
you ask? Nothing of great value, just a dusty, old
2:37:26
suspended animation to and inside the freeze drive remains of
2:37:30
a lightning Bug class starship engineer. I knew it was
2:37:35
only a matter of time before the starship mud Skipper
2:37:38
would need one, and because I had the only spare
2:37:40
left in the galaxy, it meant you had to come
2:37:42
to me. But Foist, I needed to reach a black
2:37:46
market pond planet. It wasn't easy. I've seen things you
2:37:51
people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder
2:37:55
of Orion, panics at the disco. A karina is a tap.
2:38:01
I saw the attacks on Titan. I watched someone's very
2:38:05
eager mothers serving them nine pizzas near the Tan House Agate.
2:38:09
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears
2:38:12
and rain. I did all of this so I could
2:38:15
come face to face with my father, the man who
2:38:19
abandoned us to a life of destitution, And now, at
2:38:23
long last, I finally found him.
2:38:27
Speaker 2: Really where God, you're stupid, Nikolai. She's trying to tell
2:38:35
you that you and Lola had a daughter.
2:38:38
Speaker 13: We did what happened to her? Did you know her
2:38:42
is she dead.
2:38:43
Speaker 18: No, Nick, I am your daughter.
2:38:46
Speaker 13: No, No, that's not true. That's impossible.
2:38:51
Speaker 18: Such your feelings, you know it to be true.
2:38:54
Speaker 19: No.
2:38:57
Speaker 7: Alert, arachnomorphos warm detective.
2:39:00
Speaker 3: That sounds bad.
2:39:01
Speaker 13: The iraknomorphs are still alive. What happened to the noxious
2:39:05
boo gas?
2:39:05
Speaker 9: We flooded the bench with innocuous boo liquid that neutralized
2:39:08
the poison.
2:39:09
Speaker 18: You did what I didn't tell you to do that?
2:39:12
Speaker 7: Alert. Irachnomorphs are converging in a single spot.
2:39:15
Speaker 9: You were business fixing the internet and we wanted to
2:39:17
help out.
2:39:18
Speaker 18: You fools.
2:39:19
Speaker 7: You've killed us all Alert. The irachnomorphs are doing something weird.
2:39:25
Speaker 18: Everybody knows the three rules of arachnomorphs. Never feeding a
2:39:29
ractomorph after Spaceman night, never loane in arachnomorph money, and
2:39:33
never ever ever expose an a ractomorph to innocuous boo liquid.
2:39:39
Speaker 9: Why not?
2:39:39
Speaker 15: Alert?
2:39:40
Speaker 7: The rachnomorphs appear to be conjoined together into one giant
2:39:44
mass with a thousand mouths and a million claws. It's
2:39:47
got me this way.
2:39:48
Speaker 9: Oh shit, they voltrons. We got a vultron. Quick thunderclops
2:39:53
start rocking out.
2:39:56
Speaker 11: Thunderclops would bad time convention that I lost my voice.
2:40:04
What Yeah, I rocked too close to the sun and
2:40:08
now I can barely talk.
2:40:10
Speaker 3: Verry, can you rock?
2:40:12
Speaker 14: No?
2:40:12
Speaker 9: All I know how to do is see Shannies Heleen,
2:40:14
What about you?
2:40:15
Speaker 18: No, I can't. It's too embarrassing.
2:40:19
Speaker 4: Guy, I can give it a whirl.
2:40:25
Speaker 9: The erechnivultron has broken through.
2:40:30
Speaker 4: My name is Guy, and I'm here to say. Okay,
2:40:35
monsters are bad. You're making me mad. I would be
2:40:39
glad if you left the ship sad.
2:40:44
Speaker 13: Please, Guy, spare us computer, lay down a sick beat.
2:40:50
Mom bought assume calculator mode. Okay, what is two plus two?
2:40:56
Speaker 6: Poor?
2:40:57
Speaker 13: Now give your answer and precision decimal to the one
2:40:59
thousand and significant figures.
2:41:02
Speaker 2: Four point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero double
2:41:07
the ten zero zero.
2:41:10
Speaker 13: Listened up, spiders, I got something to say. I'm an
2:41:13
n I K plus O l A. I'll rip your
2:41:15
part like paper machade. You're acting like a predator, but
2:41:18
now you better pray because I'm the number one is
2:41:21
number two you ever saw breck you let the law
2:41:23
and slim you like a white claw. Started at the
2:41:25
bottom of my way up to.
2:41:26
Speaker 2: Numero does so close?
2:41:28
Speaker 14: Well?
2:41:28
Speaker 13: Use you know that I'm a dynamo lurking from the shadows,
2:41:31
throwing those and spitting close at all of those who
2:41:33
may oppose. Fill me in your dreams. Let us came
2:41:35
to the extremes. You can scream like hallow ween, but
2:41:37
I'm gonna rinse the bream. You're a slice and dice
2:41:39
you and cook you up with rice to the nobody
2:41:41
you ever said I had to be nice because I'm
2:41:43
a bad guy. I'm never to be satisfied. I see
2:41:46
your bucket, so let me bring the pesticide.
2:41:49
Speaker 9: It's working. The monster is dying quick. One more verse
2:41:52
out to send it over the top, and then we'll
2:41:54
have enough arrectomy to keep light.
2:41:56
Speaker 13: King, My words were not as clear us and serious
2:42:00
they appear. Then wait until you hear it from the
2:42:01
starship engineer. That's your cue guy, take it away.
2:42:10
Speaker 4: What Oh, it's my turn.
2:42:13
Speaker 37: Okay, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday,
2:42:22
did aract of ultron? Happy birthday to you?
2:42:31
Speaker 5: You did it.
2:42:31
Speaker 2: The erect of ultrons had literally exploded from all the cringe,
2:42:35
and I just got my voice back.
2:42:37
Speaker 9: Hooray, did you say from all the cringe?
2:42:42
Speaker 18: Yeah, I'm lied about the erectamors one true weakness. It
2:42:46
didn't rock and roll that they can't stand. It's cringe,
2:42:50
and nothing in the universe is more cringe than a
2:42:52
bunch of old people take to They sound cool.
2:42:57
Speaker 13: Oh so, Captain, what happens now? Are you going to
2:43:03
jettison me into the vacuum of space?
2:43:06
Speaker 18: I haven't decided yet. On the one hand, I hate
2:43:09
you and dedicated my entire life to hunt you down
2:43:12
so I could exact revenge. On the other hand, you've
2:43:17
proven that you might.
2:43:18
Speaker 6: Just be of some use.
2:43:20
Speaker 7: Alert and comic ship detected license plate indicates it is
2:43:24
a Galactic Federation scout vessel.
2:43:26
Speaker 3: I have no idea if that's good or bad.
2:43:28
Speaker 9: The Galactic Federation of stat and kill orders for any
2:43:31
non Federation merchants found in Federation claim territory.
2:43:34
Speaker 3: And I presume that we are currently in Federation claimed territory.
2:43:38
Speaker 2: This and every other cubic inch of space is Federation
2:43:41
claim territory ever since Emperor z Odd called DIBs on
2:43:44
the entire multiverse strange.
2:43:46
Speaker 13: I assume the iraq Na Vultron fight was the climax
2:43:49
of this story.
2:43:50
Speaker 6: Way multiple climbaxes.
2:43:53
Speaker 4: So there's an evil galactic Federation and for some reason,
2:43:57
it has an emperor. Why didn't I hear about this sooner?
2:43:59
Like nobody thought to bring this up last week when
2:44:02
we rescued that mysterious space pilot it turned out to
2:44:04
be a ghost.
2:44:05
Speaker 9: Now that you mentioned that, you're right, we definitely should
2:44:07
have mentioned the federation during that pilot episode.
2:44:10
Speaker 18: Ye, enough with the meta narratives. Computer kill all non
2:44:14
essential functions and make sure the landing bay doors are unlocked.
2:44:18
If that scout vessel hasn't blown us out of the
2:44:20
sky yet, it must be because they think there's no
2:44:23
one left on board to kill. We're gonna play dead
2:44:26
and hope they haven't reported us yet.
2:44:28
Speaker 9: What happens if they come aboard the ship?
2:44:30
Speaker 2: A scout vessel is only big enough for two crew members,
2:44:33
most likely a couple of grunt troopers. I can easily
2:44:36
dispatch them with my new chainsaw hands.
2:44:41
Speaker 18: No, Mom, Bob, I need you to stay here and
2:44:44
guard Nikolai. I'll deal with the grunt troopers thunder coops
2:44:48
after the vessel ducks. I need you to sneak aboard
2:44:51
their ship and plug this omni key into their main console.
2:44:54
Speaker 6: You got it, Captain Oh and uh, take.
2:44:58
Speaker 18: Barry and guy with you. Why because I find you
2:45:01
to be annoying.
2:45:03
Speaker 9: That's fair.
2:45:04
Speaker 13: Oh my little girl is scheming already, just like her
2:45:07
old man.
2:45:08
Speaker 18: Shut up, Nikolay.
2:45:09
Speaker 13: Please, Ellen, I'm your father. You don't have to call
2:45:12
me Nikolay. I'd prefer it if you called me sir.
2:45:16
Speaker 18: Yeah, that ain't happening. Does everyone know what they're supposed
2:45:19
to be doing?
2:45:21
Speaker 3: No? Yes, dear, you can we go over it one
2:45:23
more time?
2:45:25
Speaker 6: All right, let's do this. Wow?
2:45:35
Speaker 9: Would you look at that? What do you think happened here?
2:45:39
Speaker 6: Hard to say.
2:45:41
Speaker 38: If I had to guess, i'd say two separate starships
2:45:44
had a head on collision. Maybe they were texting while
2:45:46
driving or something. The head on collision, two separate starships
2:45:51
in the middle of space. Do you have any idea
2:45:52
how big space is? Look, I'm not saying that's definitely
2:45:56
what happened. I'm just saying the odds are pretty good,
2:45:58
the odds are astronomical.
2:46:00
Speaker 6: So we're in agreement.
2:46:01
Speaker 18: Then, attention and identified vessels. You're in Federation controlled territory,
2:46:05
state your name and pledge loyalty.
2:46:07
Speaker 6: To the emperor.
2:46:08
Speaker 38: You think they're all dead, Let's go take a look. All,
2:46:19
I'm saying we should be asking more questions about this armor.
2:46:22
If I had to lug this stuff around everywhere I go,
2:46:25
I want to know that there's a good reason. I
2:46:27
heard about a platoon that got beaten to death by
2:46:29
a bunch of teddy bears with sticks.
2:46:31
Speaker 18: So what exactly is the point of these suits?
2:46:32
Speaker 6: You know? Let me ask you this.
2:46:34
Speaker 38: Do you ever read the manufacturer's label on the inside
2:46:36
of your helmet? We're not supposed to take off our helmets.
2:46:39
It's made by Omega Core Industries. And you know who
2:46:42
sits on the board of OCI. That's right, Emperor Zod's
2:46:45
nephew Zerk. He's giving out sweetheart contracts to family members. Well,
2:46:50
the rest of us lug around his paper armor and
2:46:52
soak up bullets. And why, I'll tell you why, to
2:46:55
make sure the war machine can keep on grinding.
2:46:58
Speaker 6: Are you done?
2:47:01
Speaker 9: The rmer said that we were easily identifiable and footmen
2:47:03
for the Galactic Federation.
2:47:05
Speaker 38: That's absurd. Why would we want to be easily identifiable
2:47:10
on a battlefield. This stuff is the opposite of camouflage.
2:47:16
It's a uniform. It lets you know that we're part
2:47:18
of the team. But that'd be fine if we had
2:47:21
a name tag or something to go with it. I
2:47:24
think they're just trying to strip us of our identity.
2:47:26
Every soldier is trained to be interchangeable. Sure that's great
2:47:30
in theory, but in practice it's nothing but a pain
2:47:33
in my ass. Anytime we're on a base, I have
2:47:35
no idea who's who I'm talking to you for thirty
2:47:38
minutes yesterday before I realized it was actually just Rob
2:47:41
from Accounting.
2:47:42
Speaker 9: Ugh, that guy is so weird.
2:47:44
Speaker 38: I spent an hour once footing with what turned out
2:47:46
to be an empty suit of armor on a coke rap.
2:47:48
Maybe you should talk less and listen more. This interchangeable
2:47:51
BS is a liability, I tell you. Do you have
2:47:54
any idea how often an enemy just kills one of us,
2:47:57
puts on our armor, and then a waltz is aboard
2:47:59
one of our battle ships. I swear it's like every
2:48:02
day I'm playing real life among us. Don't even get
2:48:04
me started on the smell. Oh God, these things smell bad.
2:48:08
Can't even take them off to wash them. I've been
2:48:10
pouring baby powder in there to try to sop up
2:48:13
all the sweat.
2:48:14
Speaker 6: What do you do? Wait, did you hear something. I
2:48:18
could barely hear.
2:48:19
Speaker 10: Anything in here.
2:48:19
Speaker 38: Plus my visor fogs up whenever I talk too long.
2:48:22
You know, I sneezed one time in the middle of
2:48:24
a battle, had loogi vision for the entire fight.
2:48:28
Speaker 18: Hello, expendables, freeze.
2:48:32
Speaker 6: Oh it's just a little girl. Are you alone here,
2:48:35
young lady?
2:48:37
Speaker 18: Yep? Good, good, quick shivering face?
2:48:45
Speaker 3: What was that?
2:48:46
Speaker 6: Space blasters? The grunts must be shooting at something.
2:48:48
Speaker 9: Should we go back and help a lean She told
2:48:50
us to stay together and plant this drive and an
2:48:52
enemy ship, which is what we're doing.
2:48:54
Speaker 3: What exactly are we looking for?
2:48:56
Speaker 9: It's a little rectangular hole. We can plug this thing in.
2:48:59
Speaker 27: Two.
2:48:59
Speaker 9: Oh, this USB port, that's it?
2:49:03
Speaker 6: Plugging it in now.
2:49:05
Speaker 3: Isn't it strange that Ellen sent all three of.
2:49:07
Speaker 9: Us to do this job? No, I don't think so.
2:49:11
Speaker 3: Why malware detected. Initiating safe mood.
2:49:16
Speaker 13: No, don't do that.
2:49:17
Speaker 6: Oh no, the doors shut and they're locked tight.
2:49:21
Speaker 16: Please remain calm, initiating autopilot functions. Returning to base four, repairers.
2:49:35
Speaker 6: Work out.
2:49:36
Speaker 9: She's a quick one.
2:49:40
Speaker 6: Oh god, she stabbed you.
2:49:42
Speaker 9: She stapped your right in the neck with a knife.
2:49:44
Speaker 10: You see, you see it?
2:49:45
Speaker 9: Now, you see what's the point of the armor.
2:49:47
Speaker 38: If it can't even stop lethal blows from a little
2:49:49
girl with an ordinary knife, why can't I hit it?
2:49:53
Speaker 39: But you really suck this bad all Ah, here's the problem.
2:49:57
Look right here on the bottom of the blaster. You
2:49:59
see that man, you're factored by Omega Core Industries. I
2:50:01
freaking knew it. Oh shit, Oh no, no, no, no no.
2:50:14
Speaker 6: The ship is taking off on its own.
2:50:15
Speaker 4: We're flying away from the Starship mud Skipper.
2:50:17
Speaker 18: We have to figure out a way to Hey, who
2:50:20
are you guys?
2:50:22
Speaker 4: Uh, we're friends of the Emperor. I don't suppose you
2:50:26
could turn around and let us off. We got some
2:50:28
important unfinished business.
2:50:30
Speaker 6: No days.
2:50:31
Speaker 16: That software you stuck up in me as tainted with
2:50:34
malicious cod We must return to the regional mothership for decontamination.
2:50:39
Speaker 6: Which one of you three is the captain?
2:50:41
Speaker 4: Huh?
2:50:43
Speaker 16: Come on, I need to establish command hierarchy. Which one
2:50:47
of you is the highest rank?
2:50:49
Speaker 9: He is?
2:50:51
Speaker 18: Yeah?
2:50:52
Speaker 6: Calling is our captain?
2:50:54
Speaker 3: Oh thanks?
2:50:57
Speaker 16: Incoming pre recorded message.
2:50:58
Speaker 3: For Captain God oh uh, put it up on the screen.
2:51:03
Speaker 16: Affirmative my love.
2:51:05
Speaker 18: Hello idiots, it's me Captain Ayleen of the Starship mud Skipper.
2:51:11
If you're hearing this, message. It means my plan worked.
2:51:15
You see, my father and I have a lot of
2:51:18
catching up to do, and I just couldn't risk the
2:51:21
possibility that one of you would try and stab me
2:51:23
in the back. I hope you understand that I have
2:51:27
trust issues. I originally planned to kill you all, but
2:51:31
you showed me kindness, so I'm returning to the favor.
2:51:35
Speaker 2: Is that the others tell them?
2:51:36
Speaker 26: I said hi?
2:51:37
Speaker 18: Uh, mom Butt says Hi. Your ship will land at
2:51:40
a Federation base in a couple of cycles. From there,
2:51:43
I recommend you pledge loyalty to the Emperor. If you're lucky,
2:51:48
they'll just put you into a labor camp for the
2:51:50
rest of your life. As for us, we're going to
2:51:53
fix up the ship and set sail for the out
2:51:55
of Oyls. Goodbyes are hard, but well good. She is
2:52:01
definitely nickelized daughter.
2:52:03
Speaker 3: I don't know what we're gonna do.
2:52:06
Speaker 16: Pardon me, sorry to interrupt, but I initiated a bioscan
2:52:09
of the three of you and noticed that the captain
2:52:11
has a neural firewall in his experiential memories.
2:52:15
Speaker 4: Yeah, I got reanimated with some freeware and it gave
2:52:18
me amnesia.
2:52:19
Speaker 3: It was a whole thing.
2:52:20
Speaker 6: Would you like me to.
2:52:21
Speaker 15: Remove the block for you?
2:52:24
Speaker 3: You can do that.
2:52:25
Speaker 16: As a Federation vessel, I am connected to the entire
2:52:28
suite of licensed Federation software, including Reanimation Protocol two point
2:52:33
zero Premium edition.
2:52:34
Speaker 3: Ooh snap, uh yeah, I can't think of any reason
2:52:38
not to.
2:52:39
Speaker 6: Please stand by.
2:52:41
Speaker 16: This is going to hurt.
2:52:43
Speaker 9: What a lot?
2:52:47
Speaker 6: Good are you?
2:52:48
Speaker 17: Okay?
2:52:49
Speaker 9: Okay, can you hear us?
2:52:52
Speaker 3: My name is not guy.
2:52:58
Speaker 9: Sit up, buddy. You took a pretty nat the electrocution
2:53:00
into the brain.
2:53:02
Speaker 6: Yeah, there were sparks in everything. It was awesome.
2:53:06
Speaker 3: Computer. You've got to turn us around right now.
2:53:09
Speaker 6: Why?
2:53:10
Speaker 3: Because Aileen has no idea? What's really a board the starship?
2:53:13
Let's kip her.
2:53:14
Speaker 4: We need to stop her from turning the engines back on,
2:53:16
or else she's gonna cause the end of the entire universe.
2:53:21
Speaker 3: WHOA, WHOA.
2:53:24
Speaker 9: Season two is gonna be awesome.
2:53:32
Speaker 19: Sh