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290. Why When A Husband Has The Low Sex Drive, It Negatively Impacts MANY More Things Than Just The Sex For A Wife · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: It's that time of the week again the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: Welcome.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: And I think we have a good, serious, important and very, very serious episode today.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Very serious.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Nick's gonna pull out a serious mode because this is serious, absolutely.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: This is a serious subject and I sometimes I make light of things or joke around and I don't mean.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: I don't ever mean to be insensitive, that's just kind of my personality.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: So I apologize.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Your personality is to be insensitive.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: That's just kind of my personality.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: So I apologize.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Your personality is to be insensitive.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: No, my no, no, no, let me back up.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: My personality is hey, it says in our description sometimes Nick will say things that he shouldn't, and so I warn.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: But I warn and so I.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: I often episodes I'm light-hearted, I make jokes.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Sometimes they may come across as being insensitive.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: I don't mean that.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: You don't need to apologize for that.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: This is a serious topic, I like having.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: I like I'm happy, I like having fun, I like doing this, and you can tell I have a lot of excitement in me, so I'm going to try to.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: Don't bottle that up, don't bottle that up, don't bottle that up, don't bottle that up.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: But uh, today's episode, I think, is going to be a really good one.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: It's why, when a husband has no sex drive, it negatively impacts many more things for the wife than just the sex and it's hard.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: I I feel bad for the wives out there that go through this, or the wives out there that are the higher desire spouse, when the husband really doesn't want to be intimate, because it truly impacts a lot of aspects of the marriage which we're going to hit on and talk about today, and in all the podcasts we do, we really try to hit home on what is a, what is an issue or problem that people are dealing with, and then what is a solution, right, so we'll try to hit on those things in this podcast today as well too.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: So, just to start out, you know we always talk about this gap, right, like the sexual intimacy and the emotional intimacy go hand in hand.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: When one spouse needs one and the other needs another, usually that full circle can be beautiful, right.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: But when that circle gets cut and there's a barrier in that circle and one person isn't given the emotional intimacy, or one person cuts off the sexual intimacy, the marriage can really turn into a quick mess, right, and so this might be.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: Personally, this is how I feel, like this might be the biggest mess, because I feel like husbands and I'm sure you do too, husbands were typically built, wired, created whatever word you want to use to need that sexual intimacy side of marriage more.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Absolutely On day three or whatever.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: Like I, and I want more than anything to be intimate with Amy.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Like I have that drive inside me and I'm not saying I do this intentionally or unintentionally.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: I think you're right.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: We as men are just wired that way, to where we pursue our wives and we step it up emotionally, and just that drive makes us want to be a better husband and person in every aspect.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: But that's a good thing and a bad thing, right.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and when that drive isn't there, like Amy says, oh, you're totally different on day one than you are day four and I'm like I don't feel any different.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: I really don't.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: Let's expand on that.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Just because we're not in a hurry, like we need to like talk.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: When we're talking about day one to day four, like say, you just made love, and the husband's like content and happy life and marriage is great, okay, and believe me, we're gonna get to this part about it being like a tired, dry boy.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: But like in that situation he usually like I'm good, and then a couple days later he's like oh, I need to step it up because I kind of want to be intimate again.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's kind of a natural process for men and it can make women really mad, but if you really look at the way they're feeling, you look deeper and you're like, okay, that's kind of like natural.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: I just I mean, that's the whole point of our podcast is to get like day four kind of looking like day one right, like it shouldn't really change.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: That's what's trying to help you to be a little more intentional in your marriage so that right after you make love you're still as romantic and passionate and awesome as if when you are, when you want to right.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: And a lot of the women out there are probably laughing and saying, yeah, that's how my husband that's totally accurate, right, Like he's a totally different on day one than day four, and amy's validating that as well.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: I'm validating that.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: But our podcast and everything that we have is trying to help men and women step it up in their marriage, so those days aren't quite so different.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: Right, we want to be continually filling those needs.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: Now, the reason I bring this up is just to say I think it's natural for husbands to to do that.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: So so when we say, wives, be grateful that your husband has a sexual desire, he say it gets to day three and day four and they are stepping it up a little much.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: They're complimenting more, doing a little more non-sexual physical touch, like things like that, like that's natural.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: But for these women that have the higher drive and they're getting rejected sexually in their marriage, they're getting rejected emotionally too, and that's what we're going to discuss today they're missing everything.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: That's the mess I'm talking about.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Like they're getting none of it.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: You're exactly right.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: When I want to be sexually intimate with you, I put forth more effort in saying how do I connect with her emotionally right?
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: well, your mind, your body, but probably your mind too, are both kind of like meeting each other and being like what do I need to do to step it up?
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: which mind are we talking about?
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Both okay.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I think, well, physically, physically, you need it and mentally you need it because that's how you feel loved, right, and most husbands have admitted to.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: That's how I feel, like it's emotional connection for me and sexual right.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: So the whole entire point is like, these women that are the higher drive spouses are missing both of that.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: How sad and heartbreaking is that and that's what we're going to talk about.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: They're missing the sexual intimacy and the emotional intimacy.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: You're right, because if the husband doesn't have that desire or drive to connect sexually, he's probably going to be more independent and just pursue hobbies and his interests and almost make his wife feel like you know where is he lonely?
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: Where is he?
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: lonely.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Um, we're gonna start.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Should I just jump into the poll really quick?
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: yeah, let's dive in, let's do it okay.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: so we asked our audience wives are you the higher drive or lower drive spouse in your marriage?
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Audience wives are you the higher drive or lower drive spouse in your marriage?
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: 31% said higher and 69% said lower.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: Okay, when we took this poll six months ago- it was more like 80, 20, maybe eight months ago.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Now it's 31, 69, which means almost a third now of the women are having the higher drive.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah that's crazy.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: It's changing, it's changing If you would have asked me this question eight or 10 years ago.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: I, honestly, just because I'm a man, I don't know.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: I only know what I know, right, I don't know what Amy feels, I don't know what women feel.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: I don't know what anyone feels other than what I feel.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: I would have guessed that, like two or 3% of men and 97% of women, right, right, I would have totally thought that.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah Well, you'd be like wait, wait.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: There's husbands that don't wait what?
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: It's shocking.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Right, it's shocking.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: So what is causing?
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: We're going to get into that, like what are some of the things that are causing the?
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: things, Because, again, that's there are.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: There are causes to it.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: And it's detrimental to a marriage.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: And if you can identify the causes, then you can fix the issue.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: So then we ask the women because your husband has a lower drive, what else does this impact in your marriage?
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: One wife said my overthinking of everything, because when you're feeling emotionally and sexually rejected in your marriage, you're probably thinking what is wrong with me?
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Why does he desire me?
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, did I do?
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: something wrong.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: Did I say something wrong?
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: Does he not love me anymore?
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: Um, you know what's going on.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: It's just, yeah, it's gonna.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, and on the flip side, as a man, you're you know, I know we're talking about, uh, when the women have a higher desire and the men don't, but on the flip side, the man feels the same way.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's, those are going to be natural things that you're going to feel when your spouse doesn't I think men would probably tell me if I'm wrong.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: I'm not a guy, but like a man probably has to be rejected over and over to to really start like overthinking it.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Right for a woman like you could stop doing something, or just one time, and she's gonna be like, wait, what's wrong with me?
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: yeah, for a man, I think we're a little bit different in that area.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: I don't know, it's so true, like for a man, you could be feeling a certain way for a while and then all of a sudden your wife initiates or something and like everything's forgotten.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: You're like, oh, back to 100%, like our marriage couldn't be better.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: Everything's forgotten.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: I I agree.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: I don't know that women would probably feel that way yeah, I think.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I think we do have a tendency to overthink a lot of things and take a lot of things personal, and so when you're being rejected in any area of intimacy in your marriage, you're going to probably take that personal and it's not your fault.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, versus a man.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: If a man is making love to his wife and his wife is interested in that, I'm not going to take anything personal right like that.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: That's how I know that you love me right, so I'm just yeah, that's why we're different.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: So another comment was he never initiates.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Um, it seems like everything gets neglected and goes wrong.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: Um, it impacts me because I can't go elsewhere to fulfill this.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: I feel trapped and he won't even talk about it.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Um, another comment my mood.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: It feels like when he's withholding and it makes me upset.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: It's going to make her sad, mostly self-confidence and self-esteem.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Everything is negatively affection or affected, my connections affected.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Um, it honestly wreaks havoc.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Not feeling wanted as a woman is ugly especially, especially as a woman.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying just, if you look at the way society is in general, it's how do I say this in a in the right way?
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: A woman is almost expected to look pretty and attractive and things like that, and I'm not saying that's the right thing, but I mean for a, for a woman.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: That's what women believe is.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: Oh, I want to look attractive.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: That's what they believe.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, correct, right, right.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: They just internalize it, right?
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves that maybe doesn't need to be there.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, is what you're saying.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly Because women think oh, I need to be beautiful for my wife, like a lot of men, we just have a different mental correct?
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, yes, I feel I feel like women put more pressure on themselves because I think too.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: We often think that men are more visual than women.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: That's another discussion.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna open up that.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: But that's not true, but maybe when it comes to nakedness just throw that out.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Um.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Another comment says I feel like the higher drive.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I think it's because I'm actually just better at communicating about it.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: That could be a thing.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Um lowers my confidence, makes me feel very resentful.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Um the emotional connection is stopped and physical touch yep partnership goes down, the emotional connection goes down, the communication goes down, the resentment goes up self-esteem, the romance is gone.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Just it keeps going on and on.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: I'm going to stop there.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's really every aspect when it comes to rejection.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: Every aspect of intimacy is getting wrecked, Correct.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: Absolutely so.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Think about when you were dating, um, what were the things that your husband did for you?
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: I bet he was romantic.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: He probably got flowers.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: He might've said nice things to you and complimented you and gave you love notes and things like that.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: When a husband has no desire for sexual intimacy, it's almost guaranteed that that romance is going to just disintegrate.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: It's not going to be.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: It's not going to be there because we as men naturally have it built in us to want to do those things to attract our spouse to us, right, Like give you flowers or write you a love note.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: I think that's interesting that you brought up the word attraction, because even caring about how attractive you are to a spouse is going to go down if you're not trying to get them sexually absolutely like, if that's like sexual connection isn't there and you're like I, a husband is like I don't need that.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: He's probably like possibly.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: Well, it could go either way.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: He's either going overboard on his body for other reasons or he might even be neglecting for those reasons.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: So, I don't know, I just I feel like just going along with that, like all those things start to get missing when the sexual intimacy is cut off.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the romance is absolutely not going to be there.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: I would love to have people write in, but I bet the women would say, yeah, there's zero romance whatsoever's.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: What I'm saying like this is why it's so hard.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: This is so hard on women with a higher drive because they're it's like the husband's being like no, I don't want you sexually.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: No, I ouch yeah ouch because at one point in the relationship he probably was pursuing her that way, maybe to the point where she's like hey, I don't, that's too much.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: Like whoa, probably at the beginning.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so do we want to jump into what the causes are or just talk about?
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: well, let's sit on a couple other things, just kind of the negative consequences.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: Um, I really also feel like we talked about emotional needs, but I think we want to hit on like unmet emotional needs as well too, and to me that would look like compliments, like oh babe, you look so pretty today, I love that outfit, or thank you for all you do.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of those things are going to disappear as well too if the husband doesn't have that drive or that desire.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: And I liked what you had mentioned when we were talking before about communication Like that being such a big emotional need, like if your husband isn't trying to be sexually intimate or emotionally intimate, that could probably one of the first things to go is communication about it, right?
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: I don't want to talk about it.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: I don't.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: I don't really care to get close, because I'm not trying to get close that way either you're exactly right, it's going to cause huge communication issues because, again, going back to it, we as men, I think internally recognize that, hey, when the the good communication, the good emotional intimacy is there that leads to good sexual intimacy right, absolutely, they go hand in hand they really do they go hand in hand and I I wish I could pull the wives.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: Maybe we need to have a few on here so we can really dive down into like, why is it that you feel like your drive is higher?
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Is it because you're wanting that emotional connection through sex?
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: Is your drive, is your physical drive, really higher or is it because you want to be pursued sexually, because you're missing everything else?
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: I think there's going to be a lot of variations of this.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: That's a great question, and you a lot of variations of this.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: That that's a great question.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: And you know, I've talked about that often, like we've talked about how, in our relationship, I definitely have the higher desire.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: Right, I'm probably driving me crazy half the time, yeah, but what happens if I completely stop that?
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: I would feel very unpursued and I want to hit on that just for a minute when the emotional connection kind of stops and that means you'll kind of stop wanting to date each other.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: And that affects pursuing, like being sexually pursued as a woman.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: Like we want that.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: We want to feel attractive, we want to know that you're sexually attracted to us, you're our husband, right?
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: So when all of a sudden a husband cuts that off, like I I know I already am repeating myself but like that that's gonna hurt really, really bad, right, really bad.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: We want to be pursued, and husbands too.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: This goes both ways.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: When we get married, marriage is a constant pursuit of each other, and so when all of a sudden your spouse is like I don't want to pursue you anymore, that's like ripping out your heart yeah, and it can cause extreme self-esteem issues.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: I mean, right, I'll be honest with you.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: If amy didn't, if I didn't feel like she was attracted to me in any way, or what have you, I'd feel, I'd feel awful and that's gonna lead to depression, or you can be, you can over, start overthinking things that can cause to anxiety.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I mean, we always talk about this and I don't want to get into it deep.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: But your physical health, your mental health, your spiritual health, all these emotional health, these things are also interconnected and when just one aspect of your marriage gets thrown off, it kind of affects your mental health or your physical health.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, finding that balance is key.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: So when these wives get cut off from the emotional and the sexual, it's going to affect so many aspects of their, of their whole life well, I'm trying to remember the poll we did exactly, but it's really high.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: I think I'll get it pretty close.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: But uh, we pulled both husbands and wives and talked about when, when your sexual intimacy is better, is your happiness there?
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: And I think it was like 92 percent of couples said that they're happier when the sexual intimacy is there.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like most of the women, agree to that.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: There's a correlation between happiness and sexual intimacy, and even a lot of the women were Well and, I think, most women.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: I think we can all admit that we signed up for a passionate, intimate marriage too.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: I think men are just like oh, women hate sex.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: Their drive just dies.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: And sometimes it does.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: In my case I'm like it's not an emotional thing going on here, it's literally like my beat will crash.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: It's probably stress, it's probably mental over, I don't know too much on my plate, I don't know what it is, but we talk about it and we try to fix it and I try to work through it.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: But for a lot of women they've said, hey, when the emotional connection strong, I naturally, I naturally desire being intimate, I naturally.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: So I think most husbands need to realize most women want to be intimate.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: So in this case, these strong, high desire wives, they don't have anyone to turn to in this situation.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Right, Because they're not, their husband doesn't care, because they don't understand.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Most wives even like we have a lot of people reaching out to us but they like, hey, I'm the high drive, this doesn't apply to my situation.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: They can't even reach out to a lot of coaches.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: Maybe you need to reach out to a therapist, but a lot of people don't understand that because it's so.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: It's getting more common but I don't like, like.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: Reach out.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: So I think we've hit on this.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Let's dive into the reasons why, um, a husband is not going to have sexual desire can I just name him really quick, sure, and then we'll dive into him.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna say ed erectile dysfunction.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: He's got some something going on or shame or shame because of it or performance issues?
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, all tied to that.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: All tied to that.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna say stress I'm gonna say stress can definitely affect your libido, for men and for women.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna say addiction as in like porn, because it messes you up mentally and physically 100.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: um, I'm gonna say your career is so busy that you're physically exhausted.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: I think there are some men that really suffer with like literally physical exhaustion and they've just kind of mentally, emotionally, physically, kind of just like put that on the back burner.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: What am I missing?
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: Distractions.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Distractions.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: I mean we're getting that dopamine hit from social media now, so a lot of husbands are addicted to swiping and their phones or video games or technology yeah, I would say video games technology.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: If you listened to our previous podcast, we did an episode um talking about the impacts of technology and um clem did a really good job of talking about like the addictions and stuff and I don't remember all the statistics exactly, but it was like 51 percent, uh said they would rather have like lose their pinky finger than give up their phone and uh, it was around 50 or 51 percent that said they'd rather give up sex for a month and have no phone, and so this just shows like that people are getting so addicted that other things are providing them with the mental stimulation, or that dopamine hit.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: It's a big problem.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: So when women reach out, usually and obviously I'm going to send them to a therapist because they're in a really, really hard place, but it usually comes down to one of those things.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: Or relationship issues.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: If something's been done to where the husband is feeling injured or disrespected or whatever, that would absolutely cause a husband to withdraw, just like a wife.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: If a wife isn't being treated with respect and love and kindness all those things that we talk about or there's some kind of abuse going on, she's going to close up.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: I think men could do that too.
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think in a lot of ways we're similar, right.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: So let's dive into the solutions, right, I think.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: First of all, you have to identify the problem.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: Until you know what the problem is, there really is no solution.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: And part of identifying the problem is, I think, is women can really drive themselves crazy by, like we said earlier, is thinking all these thoughts why does he not find me attractive?
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: Did I do something wrong or this?
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: And that sit down and have that good communication and find out why.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: Find out the why, and if you can figure out the why, then you can resolve the issue oh, absolutely.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: But that can be really, really hard when your spouse is like I don't want to talk about it you're right, you're right, right I don't want it to, I'm, I'm fine, I just don't need that.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Or and there's a deeper problem, like a lot of husbands that I just want to use this as an example.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying this is what a husband is doing, but if it is a porn issue or something like that, that he's trying to hide under the rug and he's been shamed by it and and, believe me, we talked to many really good husbands that are super ashamed and it's wrecking them right.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: They don't want to bring that up, they don't want to talk about, they're like super.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's causing a lot of issues already, just in themselves.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: So in this situation.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: So many people are listening to the podcast or coming to us looking for answers and I'm just going to be 100% honest.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: Sometimes there isn't an answer, like if you are in a relationship where your spouse will not communicate with you and you're trying to do everything you can.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: That's the situation where maybe there isn't a way to resolve it.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know what you do when you have a spouse that literally won't communicate or talk about it, and that's what's frustrating this is the answer I usually get if they literally have shut down to a point I mean we've talked about in other episodes.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: Like you can write a letter, you can.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: There's certain things you can try to do, but if you've exhausted all areas and your spouse is like nope, I don't need it, I don't want to talk about the marriage is fine and you're not fine, you're not fine at all.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: You're heartbroken completely.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: Your marriage is on the rocks.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: I would say, like there's a way to do a healthy ultimatum, like if this marriage is going to continue, I need you to give me an hour of your time and get on a Zoom call with this certain therapist.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, we have one we can recommend right now to anyone that's in a situation where.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: I mean he's, he's marriage changing.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: We're watching marriages on bring a divorce to all of a sudden thriving and passionate.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: He's amazing.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: So if you need a referral, let us know.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: We're not trying to sell him, we literally just think he's amazing.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: But that is the situation where you're like we literally we're at a point now like if you want this marriage to work, because I can't do this anymore, I need you to give me an hour of your time to go talk to this guy.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: Like we have got to get someone else to help us out.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: That's where we're at I I do think that there's solutions, I just think there is.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: You have to have both people you're willing, right?
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's just think.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: You have to have both people be willing, right?
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the key.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: You have to have both people be willing to do it.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: When one spouse says I don't feel there's a problem, therefore there's not a need to fix anything because there's not a problem, that's a problem.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: You're at a place in your marriage you've got big decisions, absolutely yeah, which led us to the next one, which was seek professional help.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: I think deep down inside that, it's about how you go about it.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Like you're like I'm taking this to therapy, you've got a lot of issues, let's go fix them.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: If you go to your.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: If you go to your husband and you're like I'm broken, like I am feeling not pursued in our marriage, I don't feel loved.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: I I don't know how much longer I can do this like I'm crying myself, sleep, like I think most good husbands have enough passion inside of them to realize.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I got it.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: I you're right, right.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: You're right, like literally.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: I can see that you're at a breaking point.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: I we've got to talk about this.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: We have to talk about this.
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: Well, and I think everything that we went through and mentioned, there's a solution for each one of those.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: So, if you're a husband listening to this and you are the lower desire spouse or just don't crave sexual intimacy, um, there's, there's a solution so everything that we mentioned, like whether it's the erectile dysfunction, the stress, like there's medical experts, there's naturalists, there's I mean I hear commercial all the time where we live about natural ways to fix ED.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's work.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: There's ways to fix stress.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: I think if you really want a good marriage, you've got to figure out what the problem is.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: I really got to dive down into that.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: Whether you're by yourself or your spouse is willing to help, you've got to really deep down and be like I've got to figure out what is causing this.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: Agreed.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, help you.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: Gotta like really deep down and be like I gotta figure out what is causing this.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Agreed, yeah right, you can't fix any problem in a relationship unless you find out what the problem actually is yeah, totally agree, and I think that's a.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: It's a great way to end, I mean oh, okay or do you have any more to add?
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: I just my heart goes out to the women that just want to feel pursued.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: I think, see, this is where we're all alike.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: When we women that just want to feel pursued, I think, see, this is where we're all alike.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: When we get married, husbands want to be pursued, whether that's sexually or emotionally, whatever, you want to be pursued.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: You're a man.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: You want to feel desired by your wife.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: A wife wants to be romanced.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: They want to feel cherished.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: They want to feel loved.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: They want you to want to listen to them and be with them.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: And and sexually these women are like I'm not getting any of that.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: He doesn't pursue me sexually.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: My heart breaks for that.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Like I don't think anybody really realizes how hard that can be unless they know what rejection feels like, and so I hope if you're in this situation, you'll reach out and get the guy that we have his phone number.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: He's amazing.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: Even if you're on your own and your husband hasn't doesn't want to come around or talk about it, I think he can really help you personally yeah, one of the things we've talked about with him often is how do you, how do you get a couple or a spouse on board that's not on board?
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: And his response was phenomenal.
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh my heck yeah and he has a pretty high success rate of getting another spouse on board um to get in there because of his approach to things.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: So yeah, he's got an amazing approach.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: So, um, our heart goes out to you guys.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: In any husbands or wives, if you're feeling rejected, rejection in your marriage, we know that it hurts Everyone's been through it and and you can fix it.
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: That's the great thing.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: Let's end on a positive note.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: You can turn it around.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: We see marriages get turned around all the time, ones that are like I hate you, I hate you, I can't look at you ever again, to all of a sudden like we're madly in love.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: We just had that barrier that needed to be knocked away.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: And it happens.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: It happens for sure, and if you feel like there are barriers that are keeping you from having the relationship that you want we've done an amazing course on that um go check it out at shopultimateintimacycom it.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: It talks about all the barriers that keep couples from having the sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy that they desire in their relationship.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: there's like 25 to 30 of them and it actually gives you questions to talk about with your spouse under every single category.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: It's pretty like detailed in that area.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: So anyways it'll help you realize, kind of maybe, what's going on if your spouse is willing to talk right absolutely always comes down to communication well, we always appreciate you listening to the podcast.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: We appreciate your feedback and all of those that you reach out to us.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: We love doing this and so until next time, hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.