Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep16: Laughs & Leftovers: The Leanne Morgan Story 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep16: Laughs & Leftovers: The Leanne Morgan Story 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: My husband and I met at the University of Tennessee while he was stalking me.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: He was so in love with me.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: And tell me, n you said, what'd you say your name was?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm in brain fog.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Nick.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Nick.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you something.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was cute.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Nick.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was so cute.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was I was thin and I had eyebrows.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: And my husband was so tickled with me that he bought me presents for no reason, no special occasion.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: I guess you boys know what he was after.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: He got it.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: So now and that was sinful.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um it was the 80s.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I had a bunch of kids by him and uh and and married him, had a bunch of kids, and then uh now, Lord, we've been married, it'll be 28 years in April.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, y'all.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: I I truly believe that he would not pull me out of a burning vehicle.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've had a big week.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: I've been in Portland, Oregon this week.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and they're so weird.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: And the little guy that introduced me did not identify as human.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so he had to introduce me as a wife and mother, and that was hard.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, I've been in Portland and then I was in Tampa last night.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: I know, and they were darling, and then um I go to Orlando tomorrow night, and then I go home.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, I I hope that I can remember what I'm saying because I I've been going and working a lot and I am in full menopause.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I do a podcast called Sweaty and Pissed.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: My nurse practitioner, I do it with her, and she's brilliant.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: So she talks about the medical part, and I talk about pentel beans.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, she dis did my annual, and I'm 54 years old, and she said, Lynn, you gotta take that IUD out.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's time.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: You're old and crusty, and you don't need it anymore.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it hurt my feelings.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because I always thought I'd be able to have children as long as I live, which was crazy because I'm Lord, I'm 54, I'd leave a baby at Target by accident.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, she uh put on a big headlamp, went in and got it, and then let me borrow it later for a hike.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: And but let me tell y'all, my husband never had a vasectomy, and he said, I'm not gonna get one, Lamb, because what if something happens to you?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I know, and I need to marry a young woman, and she wants children, and I said, Bless her heart.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'll pray for her.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't put a tight budget on her like you have me.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, okay.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: My husband and I are empty nesters.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: These children walked off and left me with their daddy, and he is so not fun.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because he's gotta make a living.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: He's gotta make a living, and all that money going out.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's getting their eyebrows waxed and stuff like that.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: So, and you know, kids walk out of a room, they don't turn the lights out when they leave, and that makes a man a butthole.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: But it's just me and him, and uh, we've got two beagles that we are in love with, and and we just sat and kissed them in the mouth.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: And because we miss these kids so bad, and we let them sleep in the bed with us, these dogs, and they're nasty.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: He looks smart.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Do you do math?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: I know it, honey.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I get it, I dig it.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so I didn't mean to get off on that tangent.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so we get in the bed.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: We've got two beagles.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: The oldest one is from Ogden, Utah.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: My husband got him on a business trip and flew out there on a company plane, and the plane was needed to be worked on, and so he went to a parking lot and called me and said, There's a man in a parking lot with a box full of beagles, puppies, and I want one of them.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, This isn't a good time for me.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, It'll be fine, and hung up the phone.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: But that beagle has been yummy, and he's now 12 years old.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: He's a little old man, white in the face.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I know he's yummy, and my husband worships him.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So we get in the bed, and my husband pulls him up to him and spoons him in the bed.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: And that old beagle looks at me like.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, menopause, for y'all that are not having to have gone through it yet, you feel like you're being microwave from within.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it comes out the top of your head.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And it's really bad at night.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: It covers off, covers on, covers off, covers off.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: It makes you bitter.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so anyway, he scooches over and gets in the crook of my legs.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I end up on a king-size bed, about this much room.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Then the little beagle, who's a pocket beagle named Chi G, who is yummy, she gets in the bed, turns around several times, bags her little butthole up against my face.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't care because I love her.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want to sleep, and it's not gonna happen.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you're in menopause, you don't sleep, and um, and I don't want to get hooked on dope.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I I take melatonin, passion flower, GABA, L-thenanine, valor and root, and pray to the dear Lord that I can fall asleep.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: And just when I get in a deep REM, my husband, about two o'clock in the morning, I don't know what happens, but he jostles awake, reaches over, and grabs one of my breasts.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it puts me into a blind rage.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I know you boys need that, and that's the way God made y'all.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: And when I get to heaven, I'm gonna ask him about it.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's how y'all show love.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: But I say to my husband, I know you you want to do it, and I'll do it.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'll do it, but can we do it before 10 o'clock?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: When I know my name, and I know your name.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I waller in the bed all night.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I waller.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Do y'all know anybody from Tennessee?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need an interpreter?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: We say words like waller.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: We waller dogs and waller babies, and we're I'm wallering in the bed all night, and then I get up the next morning and I and I think, oh, I'm gonna clean out a closet.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: I hadn't slept one bit.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: This Fitbit says to me, You hadn't slept, girl.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so I go to clean out a closet and I end up in the driveway, and I don't even know how I got there.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you, boys up here in Naples, y'all.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I saw these fancy cars out here.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: My husband is very, very tight with money.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell y'all that I'm driving a 2009 White Honda Pilot that's got 235,000 miles on it.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Last year, light started coming on saying, get out, Lynn.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: The T and A is gone.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: He is very tight and has been saving for our retirement since he was 26 years old.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: I hope I can live to enjoy it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: But he doesn't like to spend money.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, I'm looking.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: I need to get a new car, and I've been looking out here in this parking lot.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: If if God forbid something happened to him, um, I'd go on Weight Watchers and come down here.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And even though, Lord, Lord, me and my best friend, we've talked about it because we she's I'm I'm 54, she's 55, and and we talked about Lord, what if we had to get a man?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: What if we had to get out here and date?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I would it would cost me a thousand dollars just for the grooming.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: I've got something wrong with this toe.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Toenail, toenail.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I need to be on lamiceale.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's thick.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, if I had to get out here.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: She loves her husband, but she said, Oh, well, if I had to, I guess I could show somebody my left breast.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: She said, it looks okay.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, y'all.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let me let me tell y'all that I've got three children I'm in love with, and I wanted more.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I told their daddy, I want a fourth baby, and he said, Y'all are sucking the financial life out of me.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So he bought me a dachshund.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: We were living down in Texas, and um, and she was a doll baby, and I she lived to be a little old woman, and and she had thyroid issues, and so did I.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so we had to get on thyroid medication at the same time, and we both gained a lot of weight.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I was walking her in our neighborhood, and a little girl came out and said, Can I pitch your groundhog?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, all right.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: The three children I did get to have have been a blessing, and I'm in love with them.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: I've got a boy and two girls, and I I my boy has been so much easier to raise.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you think's it who's who do you think's easier to raise, boys or girls?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Just yell it out.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Boys.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Every once in a while there'll be a frail little woman.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yell out, girl.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I think she's being threatened.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: No, I love my girls.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: I love my girls, and I know that when I'm in the nursing home, they'll be the ones to come and pluck my chin hairs.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: But my boy has been so easy.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I gotta tell y'all, I think, I I think firstborn they are, you know, they're want to please you and that kind of thing, but he was born an old man.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Have you known anybody that was born an old soul?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: He was born an 80-year-old man.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: He has had a garden since he was in sixth grade.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: He cans his own food.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: I know, yummy, I know.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: Woodworks, makes his own spoons.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: He wanted to learn how to play the banjo and the mountain dulcimer and the uh mandolin when he was in middle school with canky breeches on.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that angel from heaven, so um, so he we call him our little Billy Graham.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um he's been very spiritually mature.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: I did not do it, my husband didn't do it, we're full of sin.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, but we've been washing the blood.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, so my boy um has loved gospel bluegrass.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: His favorite artist is Dr.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph Stanley.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Little Dr.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph Stanley's no longer with us, but he lived to be in his 90s, and he was the godfather of Mountain Soul.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: And he came to Knoxville to the BJ Theater, and I took my boy, he was about 15, and little Dr.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph, they propped him up on stage.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: Had a little cowboy hat propped up on his head.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: I almost threw my panties at him.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what you do at Tom Jones.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, I was sitting there listening to Dr.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph sing a song about a robin laid an egg on daddy's grave.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, how many teenagers are listening to this?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: What are teenagers listening to?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Walk a fluck of flame.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, wouldn't it be funny if I had to yell at my boy?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Turn that bluegrass down.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: If I hear I saw the light one more time.