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Mark's 11am Monologue. · The Mark Simone Show

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: It's the Mark Simon Show Live from the doubr Life
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Back studios. Well, hey, look at that. Suddenly it's June first,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: It's June. Now a lot to get to this hour.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Do you know what dot cake is? This is the
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: hottest thing to eat in America. Dot cake is the
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: hottest thing on Instagram. It's also the stupidest thing. We'll
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: get to that later in the hour. We'll explain it
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: all to you. Now, the big news of the day,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: CBS puts out an official statement confirming Colbert was losing
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: forty million dollars a year. The show a disaster, losing
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: forty million a year, don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Absolutely confirmed by CBS official statement. So you know, in Maine,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: they got this crazy race. They got this guy Platiner running,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: and first it comes out that he has a big,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: huge Nazi tattoo right on his chest. And it turns
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: out it's not even just a regular Nazi tattoo. It's
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: a special SS tattoo. It's a division of the SS
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: that ran the death camps. It's like the most evil
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: tattoo you could possibly have on yourself. And it's not
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: a little one on his arm. It's a big, huge
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: one in the middle of his chest. Apparently he spent
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: a lot of money trying to get it off his chest,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: but for eighteen years he loved having it there. Again,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: it's a big tattoo in the middle of his chest.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: You can't miss it. I assume the guy takes a
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: shower every now and then it looks in the mirror.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: It's right there. You can't miss it. So he had
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: it there. When asked to explain why he got such
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: an evil tattoo, he came up with some ridiculous explanation.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: He's got all kinds of problems. This Platiner. Maine is
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: kind of a different place nowadays. It's not a big
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: population in Maine, so enough New Yorkers are enough outsiders
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: moving there that are left wing cooks. It can change
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: the balance of the voting pretty fast. So he looked
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: like he had a chance to when he's got the
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Democratic nomination. Although there's so many things coming out against
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: this guy. I hear that behind the scenes, major Democrats
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: are trying to get him out. It is possible. You
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: have until sometime in July to replace him as the nominee.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: Don't be surprised if that happens in the next couple
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: of weeks, if they get him out. He's now trying
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: hard to stay in the race. The other thing, he's
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: got caught on some hookup site texting sexting with six
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: different women while he's married. Now, it's not a crime
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: if you want to sext with a bunch of women.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: In fact, if I had a choice between being a
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: senator and sexting with women, I'd rather do that. It
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: sounds like more fun. Who wants to sit in the
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Senate all day and go through bills and legislation. But
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: it's pretty bad now. Even Dave Portnoy has jumped in
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: on this Portnite writing, caring about him wheeling six chicks
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: at once when he was married, that's your choice, Not
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: caring that he pretends to be a populace when he
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: went to one of the richest private prep schools in America,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: that's your choice, Not caring that he went to war,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: saying he always wanted to kill people, and that's your choice,
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Not caring he went to work for Blackwater after serving
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: and now calls the army very dumb. That's your choice,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Not caring that he made fun of purple Heart recipients.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: That's your choice. Not caring that he masturbates in porta potties,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: that's your choice. Oh, I didn't know about that one,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: all right. Not caring I'm editing out words here, Not
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: caring that he's put awful things on line that he
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: had to delete, horrible, horrible comments in the past. That's
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: your choice. But the important noise is not caring that
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: he is a Nazi is your choice. But if you
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: support him and promote him, don't ever let you or
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: anybody about the moral high ground again because you're a
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: blank blank blank blank. Yeah, the Nazi part should have
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: wiped him out. That's what today's Democratic Party has become.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: The Nazi tattoo didn't wipe him out. And again it's
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: not a little Nazi tattoo on its arm. It's an
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: SS death Camp tattoo about five inches in diameter right
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: in the middle of his chest. That didn't disqualify him.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: But it's just the drip drip drip of scandals coming
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: out more and more. But these Democrats are crazy, you
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: know that Roe Kanna. He's like the Indian Adam Schiff.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: I mean, just the crazy. Listen, I understand if you
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: got to support this guy, he's the nominee. So Bernie
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Sanders supports him, Elizabeth Warren supports him. But they're fellow
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: New England, you know, politicians. But Conna, No, Conna's from California,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: no reason he had to jump in there. He not
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: only supported him, he announced he's proudly supporting him. Proudly
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: supporting a Nazi, an actual Nazi who has posted the
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: worst evil things online, who's masturbating in porta parties, who's
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: sexting and texting, he proudly supports him. It's a little crazy,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: all right. We're hearing that Josh Shapiro, governor Pennsylvania's pretty
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: good guy, pretty common sense, reasonable Democrat. A lot of
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: people think all this craziness will die down by the
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: time twenty twenty eight rolls around, and that they'll be
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: looking for a common sense Bill Clinton type of a
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: Democrat and that Josh Shapiro could be high on that list.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: But apparently, and he's kind of, you know, quietly making
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: moves for twenty twenty eight. But apparently he's been told
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: by Democratic leaders, real party leaders, you're never going to
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: get elected because you're Jewish. It can't happen. Now, that's
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: quite a bigoted, ugly thing to say, but that's the
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: Democrats and apparently they've been telling them that privately. So
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: in Los Angeles where you got this kooky left wing
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: horrible mayor who's helped destroy Los Angeles. It's an absolute
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: disaster zone. But it's democratic stuff. So you know, she's
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: still the front runner everything, but Spencer Pratt comes along
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: brilliant social media. Now there's public polls that show one
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: thing or another, but don't go by those public poles.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: The real polls, the serious, behind the scenes internal polls
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: McLaughlin and other show Pratt has now taken the lead,
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: only by a point or two, but he's taken the lead.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: It's razor thin. The primary is tomorrow. A close third
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: place is the socialist nit Yaama. That's la all right,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: that's what happens. Now, the World Cup is coming and
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: if you look online, the cheapest ticket he gets like
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: forty five hundred bucks. I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: Prices are through the roof for the World Cup. However,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I don't know this is going to hold up. You
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: know a lot of people love soccer, well, not a
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: lot of people. Plenty of people love soccer, but if
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: you'll notice, it's mostly immigrants, people from other countries because
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: they grew up with soccer. It's not an American thing. Soccer.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: I know kids are now playing it in school, but
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: it's not in America. It's not football. It's not the NFL,
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: it's not the Knicks, it's not the Yankees, it's not
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: mainstream is popular. So if I'm looking at this survey
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: for the World Cup, fifty four percent of New York
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: has no interest. Fifty four the majority of New Yorkers
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: have no interest in the World Cup. It's mostly and
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: you see all these people spending a ton of money
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: for the tickets, the hotels, but these are mostly foreign people.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: The World Cup is like the Olympics. Wherever it is
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: big money. People from all over the world show up.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: So you'll get that, and that's good. They'll come to
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: New York and throw a lot of cash around, but
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: they may not get their ratings they think going to
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: get them. Next, the viewership they think they're going to get. Now,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: one thing that one group that is thrilled about this
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: the hooker industry. The escorts say demand has surged through
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: the roof that they're already being booked for World Cup days.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: These big high rollers are coming from all over the place.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Many of the escorts are going to be charging ten
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: thousand a day because there's such demand for the top
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: escorts ten thousand a day. Some say, many of these
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: foreign chics and whatever, these foreign high rollers that are
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: coming in, they not only are hiring them, they want
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: what's called full kink, full kink centered services. What is
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: that exactly? Hey, don't ask, don't ask ten thousand a
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: day new Jersey based escort. He's already pocketed several three
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: thousand dollars deposits. You got to give a deposit for
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: this from soccer fans. June is filling up quickly. It's
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: going to be a very, very very busy month. He
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: ever watch at ABC Sunday Show. I'm the only one
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: that still watches it. But they got this panel of
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Trump Arrangement syndrome characters, Donna Brazil, Chris Christie, and they
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: say the craziest things, you know, they try to act
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: like they're not total hypocrites, but they look ridiculous. So
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: they're asking Christy about Donald Trump's planning. These massive Fourth
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: of July parties celebrations for Washington for the two hundred
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: and fiftieth anniversary. And Christy goes through this whole nonsense
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: about this that's done. No, he should not be doing that.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: He said, every town is having a Fourth of July celebration,
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: every town. There's no reason for it to be in Washington. Well,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: that's insane. Every town also has Fourth of July fireworks.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Every town, every small town, on every suburb, they all
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: get their Fourth of July fireworks. That doesn't mean you
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: don't do them in Washington. It's a big event every year,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: the Washington DC fire So of course it's Washington, d C.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: The nation's capital. Of course you have to have a
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: two hundred and fiftieth birthday celebration. So then yesterday the
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: other panel was down in Brazil. They're talking about Joe Biden,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: who looks absolutely ridiculous with her crazy, lying, rotten, lying
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: comments about that she's got a book out. She's trying
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: to promote the book, so that's why she's out there
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden. What'd you think when you saw
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: the debate And he didn't know what he was saying,
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: and he sounded like a frozen vegetable and she's said, oh,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I thought he was having and this is it. I
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: wasn't horrified. I was frightened because I had never ever
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: seen Joe like that before or since. Never since, yes,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: or he's never seen never now, this, of course is
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: a total lie. Anybody was around and will tell you
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: he was like that every day and there were many
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: days where he was much worse. She was married to him,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: So if everybody else saw it behind the scenes, obviously
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: she saw. So she's just out and outline. So on
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: the Sunday Show, they asked Donna Brazil what about that.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: She said, quote, I don't want to talk about Jill
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: Biden right now. This is a Donna Brazil, nice woman,
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: but a big mouth, a blabbermouth, talk about anything. Suddenly
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: she didn't. She said, I do not want to talk
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: about Jill Biden right now. She said, Donna Brazil will
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: not focus on the past. Donna Brazil wants to focus
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: on the future. Donna Brazil will never focus on the past. Meantime,
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: when they ask her a Trump question, she'll rattle off
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: everything he ever did for thirty years, everything in the past. Hey,
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: the Knicks, when is it Thursday night. Opening a game
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: is Thursday. It's Wednesday. Oh, Wednesday night the Knicks. Is
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: it in New York? Yeah, it's in the oh, San Antonio.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: See how much I followed. I'm right on top of everything.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: So San Antonio. And then the next week it comes
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: to New York. Next week it comes to New York.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: There'll be games in New York. Mayor Mom Donnie says
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: he'll be there. Can't go to the Israel Day Parade,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: of course, if you're such an anti Semite. But he
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: will go. He he has been the Knicks games. President
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: Trump said he'll fly in for it. Most likely he'll
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: be in the private suite there, but probably next to
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: Mom Donnie and Kathy Hoakle, of course, ridiculously tried to
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: claim Trump is not a Knicks fan, that he's just
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: saying that. Well, thousands of pictures of him sitting at
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Knicks games are coming up. Videos are coming up. In fact,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: there's one you can see up on my Twitter. I
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: forgot about this. Remember in one game year years ago,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Charles Oakley is running and he accidentally falls into the
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: seats and falls on top of Donald Trump. It's a
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: it was a classic moment. Then they interview him afterwards,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: so he's always been around the knicks hokeel looking absolutely ridiculous. Hey,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: do you ever put those air tags in your suitcase
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: or you know, it's a little disc, it's like the
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: size of a quarter. Apple makes them. It's an air tag.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: It's got a GPS in it. So let's say you
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: put it in your suitcase. On your iPhone, you can
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: see where your suitcase is at all times. So people
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: are putting them in their luggage now when they travel.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: So look at this guy. He got in a big
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: fight with Delta and they tried to claim his suitcase
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: was one place, but he looked at the air tag
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: and showed him where it really was, and it turned
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: out Delta was lying to him, just out and out
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: lying to him. So because he had that air tag,
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: he was able to find it. And then there's other
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: people have posting these things about. In fact, one guy,
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: they lost his luggage, so he's watching it on the
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: air tag. It went to five different cities until he
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: was able to tell the airline where it was and
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: they got it back from him. But that air tag,
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: it's they're about. I don't know thirty forty dollars. Great
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: thing to have. Also, let's say you don't trust your husband.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: You open up the trunk of his car. You throw
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: the air tag in there, or you stick it under
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: the seat or something, and that way you can see
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: where that car is at all that kind of stuff.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: It sounded crazy, this air tag, this little disc Why
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: would they come out with it? They sell millions of them,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: millions of them. There's so many uses for it. You
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: can put it in It's a little thick, but you could.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: You could put it in your wallet. If that way
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: you'll always know where it is. You can put in
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: your purse, you'll always know where it is. I think
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: you ever go to the coat room you're leaving the restaurant.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: I don't mean to sound sexist, but a man reaches
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: in his pocket, here's my checkout, you know, my claim
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: ticket for the coat room. But a lot of times
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: a woman will be looking through that purse for forty
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: minutes and can't find that. So maybe that's what Apple
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: should invent next, coat room claim checks that have air
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: tags built into them so they can find that ticket faster. Hey,
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: you know Bill Gates with that look, you know the sweater,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: the rumpled look all of that, it looks like, yeah,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: that's Bill Gates. Well, it turns out this guy, a
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: lot of these guys are just secretly plotting. Everything's everything's
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: a plot, everything's a scheme. So apparently that look was
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: designed by a team of consultants. People that used to
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: work there are revealing a team of consultants designed his look.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: They had special customized mannequins where they tested out the outfits.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: They were looking deliberately for the most boring outfits. He
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: thought originally that he should look like mister Rogers. That's
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: why the sweater. You never see him in a jacket
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: unless he has to, but in day to day left
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: always a sweater, a little rumpled, certain type of sweater, drab,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: boring color. But apparently wanted to look like mister Rogers.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: He felt that that would make him look kind and
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: approachable instead of a guy secretly trying to maneuver the
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: whole world all over the place. But Gates team toiled
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: the way on the nerdy image, working with stylists and
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: trying out different outfits and went to great links to
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: come up with the exact tone and v neck sweaters
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: and buttoned down shirts to make him look as friendly
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: and as kind as possible while he's secretly buying up
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: our food supply, screwing around with all kinds of germs
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: and viruses and all sorts of anyway, we'll take some
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: calls next. Eight hundred three two one zero seven ten
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: is the number. Eight hundred three two one zero seven
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: ten