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4 Types of Boundaries in Marriage - 234 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

0:00
Daniel Moore: This week it's a blast from the past while we take a short break from recording, enjoy a few of our favorite episodes from the past, and we'll be back soon with brand new episodes.
0:15
Michelle Moore: I love to hold hands.
0:16
Michelle Moore: Um I love to be right next to Daniel.
0:20
Michelle Moore: Um I'm more of a touchy-feely, I wouldn't say touchy-feely, but I I like to have you by my side.
0:25
Michelle Moore: And I I love that.
0:27
Michelle Moore: And you know, at first I you weren't used to that.
0:31
Michelle Moore: And so now it's just automatic, like we just get right next to each other and hold hands or something like that, and we're more affectionate.
0:38
Michelle Moore: But I do think that has to be, you have to understand if a partner you know is not ready for that, and you need to talk to them and you know, meet in the middle.
0:49
Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, if that's not something they're comfortable with, you need to make sure that you're like, hey, give them time, pray about it, you know.
0:57
Daniel Moore: This week on Marriage Life and More, we're gonna be talking about boundaries in marriage.
1:01
Daniel Moore: We'll get back into that right after this.
1:04
Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, Bible and book studies.
1:48
Daniel Moore: We interview people that have stories.
1:50
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
1:51
Daniel Moore: I have my wife Michelle sitting over here.
1:53
Daniel Moore: She's a host of the podcast.
1:55
Daniel Moore: So we're gonna do our best to go through this week's episode.
1:58
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Daniel Moore: And we'd be eternally grateful to you guys for doing that.
2:29
Daniel Moore: Well, as I said, this week and uh probably next week, we're gonna probably stretch this out to two different episodes.
2:35
Daniel Moore: We're gonna be talking about boundaries in marriage, and I think this is an area that a lot of people struggle sometimes is knowing where to set those boundaries, when is it okay to set boundaries?
2:46
Daniel Moore: And we're gonna knock some myths out of some of the boundaries this week.
2:49
Daniel Moore: So uh we're gonna we're pretty excited about these episodes and hope that they'll minister to you guys in your situation.
2:55
Daniel Moore: So this week we're gonna be talking about boundaries in marriage.
3:00
Daniel Moore: So boundaries they are meant to increase love, faith, and respect in marriage.
3:15
Daniel Moore: They create structure so we're accountable to each other and help resolve conflict quickly instead of letting it escalate.
3:22
Daniel Moore: Sometimes people are passive in conflict because they're afraid or they feel guilty, but they end up not bringing any truth to the situation, and then they in turn enable that behavior.
3:32
Daniel Moore: Not bringing up issues is not gracious because truth without any grace is judgment, but grace without any truth is a license to continue.
3:42
Daniel Moore: When you're frustrated, you should bring up your concerns right then.
3:46
Daniel Moore: And I think that's why Paul talks about solving conflicts in a timely manner in Ephesians 4 26.
3:51
Daniel Moore: This approach is being seen in both grace and truth.
3:56
Daniel Moore: When making boundaries, it's good to be specific by saying, When you're upset, I would like for you to speak to me in a loving tone.
4:02
Daniel Moore: You can still be truthful to me.
4:05
Daniel Moore: It must be that specific because the other person could say, I can't please you.
4:10
Daniel Moore: I can't do what you want.
4:12
Daniel Moore: But if you can make it specific, then you can have a conversation.
4:15
Daniel Moore: You should always end a conflict with a commitment to change because habits are hard to change.
4:21
Daniel Moore: There must be a willingness to talk again and have conversations about how the change is going.
4:27
Daniel Moore: Having reasonable accountability and specificness helps make these new habits stick over time.
4:33
Daniel Moore: So as we get started into this week's episode, um talking about boundaries.
4:38
Daniel Moore: I know within our marriage, you know, we've had a lot of issues in different places and at different times in our marriage, we've had some major issues with boundaries because we didn't really approach those correctly.
4:49
Daniel Moore: And it is an it is an ongoing learning process.
4:52
Michelle Moore: I think what was boundaries?
4:54
Daniel Moore: I don't know.
4:55
Michelle Moore: I'm pretty sure I don't think we had any.
4:58
Michelle Moore: And I love this, the fact that there's biblical boundaries in marriage.
5:02
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
5:03
Daniel Moore: And so what we're gonna do here is we start off, there's different kinds of boundaries, and uh I guess what we'll probably need to do first, we're gonna define those, is what we're going to do.
5:14
Daniel Moore: And so in in marriage, there's four different boundaries that we look at.
5:20
Daniel Moore: One of those is emotional, one's physical, one's spiritual, and one's relational.
5:25
Daniel Moore: So, right off the bat here, we start looking at this, and when we think, well, boundaries aren't that big of an issue, well, really they encompass every portion of our very being.
5:34
Daniel Moore: I mean, we can we can have boundaries in all different areas that all come together to form that big picture.
5:41
Daniel Moore: And so what we're gonna do here first of all is we're going to define some of these boundaries so that we can have an understanding exactly what we're talking about here as we talk about these different kinds of boundaries.
5:52
Daniel Moore: So the first one is emotional boundaries, and those refer to the healthy limits that a couple sets protect each other's emotional well-being, and it also ensures mutual respect and promotes a safe and supportive relationship.
6:06
Daniel Moore: These boundaries help both partners remain emotionally secure while allowing intimacy and growth.
6:12
Daniel Moore: So we're going to break down a few emotional boundaries that might be included in marriage this week.
6:17
Daniel Moore: And the first one is respecting individual feelings.
6:21
Daniel Moore: Tell us a little bit about that one.
6:23
Michelle Moore: So allowing each partner to feel and express their emotions without judgment or minimization, avoiding dismissive responses like you're overreacting, or that's not a big deal.
6:38
Daniel Moore: Okay, so with within this one here, uh this one's probably a big one in all reality, and a lot of different marriages, because it's real easy, and this kind of rolls over into communication, even.
6:53
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
6:53
Daniel Moore: Because sometimes we feel like we can't talk to each other because we're gonna get judged, or the things that we have to say might be super, you know, you might have something to say that's super important to you, but I may look at it like that's not that big a deal, you know?
7:06
Daniel Moore: And I want to minimize it.
7:08
Daniel Moore: And so then that makes you the next time when you come back around, you're you think twice about wanting to talk to me about that stuff, you know, because is he gonna just minimize it again, or is she gonna or is he gonna understand that this is something that's important to me?
7:25
Daniel Moore: And you know, how many times have we gotten into conversations where it got a little heated in the past, and you know, we basically was, you know, treating each other like, you know, you're just overreacting about this, or you know, this that's really not that big of a deal.
7:40
Daniel Moore: There's bigger things we need to think about, you know.
7:43
Daniel Moore: And I think that, you know, there's times that we've actually, you know, done that in our relationship.
7:47
Daniel Moore: And when that stuff happens, uh really it's it's two different people on two different planes at that point.
7:56
Daniel Moore: And so you have to figure out as a married couple how you can come together in unity on these things.
8:02
Daniel Moore: The things that don't seem big to me, uh I need to change that, the things that you don't think is all that big deal, you know, for my side of it.
8:10
Daniel Moore: We need to be open to seeing you know both sides of that equation.
8:14
Daniel Moore: The second part of this is protecting emotional space, and that's recognizing when a partner needs time to process feelings or decompress without pressuring them to engage.
8:24
Daniel Moore: And that also means not demanding immediate emotional availability when the other person needs space.
8:30
Michelle Moore: That's hard.
8:31
Daniel Moore: That's very difficult.
8:32
Michelle Moore: I I, you know, I've struggled with that.
8:34
Michelle Moore: Um, I mean, I I'm a you know, I think sometimes let's talk about it now, let's talk about it now, and you needed your time in your space, and I pushed you into it, which I think at that point in time you got frustrated with me because it's like I wasn't listening to you.
8:52
Michelle Moore: So you have to be careful with that.
8:55
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
8:56
Daniel Moore: And I think that this is probably a spot where a lot of uh couples have issue is whenever they get to an argument or uh maybe it's not even an argument, maybe you're just upset about something, but you're not ready to talk.
9:09
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
9:09
Daniel Moore: And then you have that person that comes along, whether it's your spouse or whoever it may be, pushing you, say, come on, what is it?
9:16
Daniel Moore: Just talk to me.
9:16
Daniel Moore: What is it?
9:17
Daniel Moore: You know?
9:17
Daniel Moore: Yeah, sooner or later you probably need to unload and talk about it, but you're gonna have to have that boundary set there when you are ready to do that.
9:25
Michelle Moore: Yeah, and I think the other person needs to respect that, you know?
9:28
Michelle Moore: Yes.
9:30
Daniel Moore: In a codependent relationship, and this happens a lot where one spouse kind of rules the roost, I guess is the best way to put that.
9:39
Daniel Moore: Um, you have one spouse that's really overbearing on the other spouse, and they take it upon themselves as their responsibility to regulate their other spouse's emotions all the time.
9:48
Michelle Moore: I I believe that was me.
9:52
Daniel Moore: And so that's something that you really need to avoid.
9:54
Daniel Moore: And we'll talk a little bit more about that later on because each person needs to be their own individual person within themselves.
10:02
Daniel Moore: Uh the next one's managing emotional responsibility, and that's taking ownership of your own feelings rather than blaming your spouse for how you feel.
10:11
Daniel Moore: You know, how many times of in conversations uh we should have those conversations where, you know, I feel hurt when you did this, or you made me feel like this when you said that.
10:24
Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, we've got to be honest with each other and you know, be careful with some of that stuff that takes place, you know, when that when that happens.
10:35
Daniel Moore: The next one is healthy communication of needs and limits.
10:39
Daniel Moore: And read that one to us.
10:41
Michelle Moore: Clearly expressing what is emotionally acceptable or not.
10:44
Michelle Moore: I need you to speak kindly to me during disagreements.
10:50
Michelle Moore: Being honest about emotional triggers or sensitivities while being respectful of your partners.
10:58
Daniel Moore: So here we have uh how healthy communication can take place.
11:03
Daniel Moore: And this is something that you and I had to learn over time because we would go at each other instead of try to work with each other.
11:12
Daniel Moore: And it's in a relationship or in really in any kind of relationship, even if it's not a marriage, uh you if you're not open to carrying on a civil conversation, it's not usually going to go well.
11:26
Michelle Moore: Right, right.
11:27
Daniel Moore: You know, and so when it comes to these emotional areas in marriage, especially, uh, you need to make sure that there's some boundaries set there where, you know, this does kind of open it up to where we are a safe space for each other.
11:41
Daniel Moore: Because I need to be able to say if like if if I pop off at you and I say something mean out of the moment 'cause I'm just not thinking or whatever, then you should be able to have that safe space to come back and say, Hey, that that hurts me.
11:55
Daniel Moore: We need to stop this for a moment and talk to each other a little bit more civilly about this, and then that should check my spirit and make me, you know, change the way that I'm coming into this conversation.
12:06
Daniel Moore: And that's something that a lot of couples also have issues with, I think, because if one is so adamant that they're right and the other one is wrong and they want to prove their point, then if they're not open to being civil in their discussion because they're trying so hard to push their thought process and the whole situation, it can really escalate that and really create some really bad arguments and some bad fights.
12:31
Daniel Moore: So that's another part there of the emotional boundary in marriage that we need to be careful of.
12:37
Michelle Moore: And I think a lot of times, you know, if if your partner is speaking to you in a way that you don't want, you need to just stop and just say, I know you probably don't mean it this way, but this is how I feel.
12:50
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
12:50
Michelle Moore: You know, and kind of deactivate that atmosphere of accusing or whatever to where, you know, and a lot of times now, I mean, I look at it, is this conversation good?
13:01
Michelle Moore: Is it gonna grow us?
13:02
Michelle Moore: Is did he pop off?
13:04
Michelle Moore: Uh, how would I respond if it was like I know this is crazy, but sometimes I think, how would I respond if that was God?
13:10
Michelle Moore: Like, you know, would I respond in a loving manner?
13:13
Michelle Moore: Would I respond, you know, obviously wouldn't respond in a hateful manner, but a lot of times I have to step back and think.
13:20
Michelle Moore: I mean, sometimes I'm joking, like we had that discussion in the car one day.
13:24
Michelle Moore: We I was joking with Dan, but because of our past, it was kind of like a trigger.
13:29
Michelle Moore: I mean, he's like, I know you mean, and I was like, No, you know, but then it if I go back and think about it, the emotional side that we went through and everything, that that could be a trigger, and you know, you're ready to talk that out.
13:41
Michelle Moore: And I was joking around, and it's like, you know, sometimes things are meant to be joking around, but at the same time, when you're in the heat of the moment in the emotions, you have to be very, very careful in what you say.
13:56
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
13:57
Daniel Moore: But it's good that you know, we're to the point now where when that does happen, we know to stop right there and and talk it out.
14:04
Michelle Moore: I could have just not said nothing and then went the rest of the day just upset because you Yeah, I thought it looked like something when it wasn't like hey, uh you don't know how much I appreciate that though, because of all the years we've gone through.
14:18
Michelle Moore: But I remember also when, you know, we had date night, we would go back and I would say, Hey, during this period of time, like the week from week when we'd have it, I'm be like, You said this, and I'm not sure exactly what you meant by this, but I've kept that in here.
14:35
Michelle Moore: Like, so let's talk about it.
14:37
Michelle Moore: And sometimes that's good to do.
14:39
Michelle Moore: I mean, I feel like it's great to do.
14:41
Michelle Moore: If you can't do it at that moment, and that person needs space, bring it back up to make sure that you're both on the same page and that communication is there.
14:51
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you've got to be able to clear your mind.
14:52
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
14:53
Daniel Moore: That stuff just builds if you don't.
14:55
Daniel Moore: And that's not a good thing to have that sitting inside there and just getting a bigger, bigger monster in the room.
15:00
Michelle Moore: Especially if you hold grudges.
15:01
Daniel Moore: Yes.
15:02
Daniel Moore: You need to get that out immediately or as soon as possible.
15:05
Michelle Moore: Speak it out or pray about it.
15:06
Daniel Moore: When both of you are emotionally available to each other.
15:08
Daniel Moore: Uh, the next one is protecting against emotional abuse or manipulation.
15:14
Daniel Moore: And this is a big one, I think, in marriages when it comes to emotional boundaries.
15:19
Daniel Moore: And it can be this waving with uh relatives or friends.
15:23
Daniel Moore: Uh, this this one's huge.
15:25
Daniel Moore: Read the the points under that one.
15:28
Michelle Moore: Setting limits around behaviors like guilt tripping, gaslighting, silent treatment, or emotional blackmail, ensuring each partner feels safe to be vulnerable without fear or manipulation.
15:40
Michelle Moore: And I think about this one because I went through that in my first marriage.
15:46
Michelle Moore: I'm trying not to cry because today has just been one of those days when it comes to marriage, my heart is just for it, and I've just done nothing but shed tears.
15:54
Michelle Moore: But I've been in that situation, literally, where you know, I felt like everything was my fault when it wasn't even my fault, and it just tore me down.
16:03
Michelle Moore: And I know we have had an episode talking about that, but it is not healthy at all.
16:09
Daniel Moore: No.
16:09
Daniel Moore: And I think one big thing that happens in marriages is we we never want to be wrong.
16:17
Daniel Moore: We always be we always want to be the one that's right in the conversation, and so a lot of times our very first instinct is to guilt trip.
16:24
Daniel Moore: And and this happens even with kids.
16:26
Michelle Moore: I was gonna say, when you say guilt trip, that's what I did with our daughter.
16:30
Michelle Moore: Like, you know, there was things that um I know that I did.
16:34
Michelle Moore: I look back now and I'm like, oh gosh, you know, I'm not a horrible person, but I back then I didn't realize that I was doing what I was doing.
16:44
Michelle Moore: Yeah, but you can do that with your children to make them want to do what you want to do.
16:49
Michelle Moore: Yeah, and that's not that it can mess a child up.
16:53
Daniel Moore: Yep.
16:54
Daniel Moore: And this is part of being married, your your family.
16:57
Daniel Moore: And so when you're looking at this gaslighting, guilt tripping, and the silent treatment or that emotional blackmail, the different things that we can do to each other to be mean and manipulative, that that doesn't just speak to you and the spouse.
17:10
Daniel Moore: That can happen on that can trickle down to your kids.
17:12
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
17:12
Daniel Moore: Especially in a blended marriage situation.
17:14
Daniel Moore: Yes.
17:15
Daniel Moore: Uh, that's a huge one that you have to be super careful of and make sure you're not doing that or allowing that to happen.
17:22
Daniel Moore: Um, because it does, it takes that safe space away between you and your partner, your your spouse, and it makes that other spouse or even your kids, it makes them vulnerable to have that fear of being manipulated all the time.
17:36
Daniel Moore: And it it you can rewrite somebody's um psyche, their emotions, you can rewrite who they really are in their minds when you continually pound them with gaslighting and guilt tripping and all this kind of thing.
17:49
Michelle Moore: And for listeners, for people who have no idea what gaslighting is, because it took me forever because somebody said one day I was uh had a situation where someone accused me of it, and I'm like, what in the world is that?
18:03
Michelle Moore: So, what is gaslighting?
18:06
Michelle Moore: It's a psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time, that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality or memories, and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence, and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability and a dependency on the perpetrator.
18:31
Daniel Moore: Yeah, so basically uh that's much better stated than what I would have been able to put out there.
18:37
Daniel Moore: That's a deep, deep the definition there.
18:40
Daniel Moore: But when somebody believes something and they tell you what they believe, but then you come at them and you speak over them something something differently, and it goes to the point where you eventually change their thought process on what they really thought that was, whether if it's a lie or not, uh you you eventually manipulate someone into believing the way that you believe, even though that may not be the correct way of believing, they call that gaslighting whenever that takes place.
19:08
Daniel Moore: Now, there's a lot of people that throw gaslighting around when it's not truly gaslighting.
19:13
Daniel Moore: The situation that we had.
19:14
Daniel Moore: They think they know what that means, but that's you know, there's times that that's used that it that's not really the case.
19:21
Michelle Moore: And who knew that would even be a word?
19:22
Michelle Moore: I mean, my goodness, we've never heard that word until what two years ago?
19:26
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
19:26
Michelle Moore: Like, what in the world?
19:27
Daniel Moore: So they're they're always coming up with new things.
19:30
Daniel Moore: It's very interesting.
19:31
Daniel Moore: It's ridiculous.
19:32
Daniel Moore: And then the last one here on emotional boundaries is prioritizing emotional honesty and integrity.
19:38
Daniel Moore: So another boundary that we can put in place in marriage emotionally is by being open about what you're feeling rather than bottling up or hiding emotions to avoid conflict.
19:47
Daniel Moore: And then choosing honesty over passive aggression or emotional withdrawal.
19:52
Daniel Moore: This was my problem.
19:54
Daniel Moore: I did not want to have conflict with you.
19:57
Daniel Moore: So I chose not to say things and did not communicate with you because I knew that if I didn't say nothing, we wouldn't have the argument, we wouldn't have the discussion, I wouldn't hear things I didn't want to hear, and I would just withdraw.
20:10
Daniel Moore: I mean, this whole thing right here just was a description of who I was at the beginning of our marriage.
20:15
Daniel Moore: And of course, some of that was in place because of emotional baggage I had coming out of my first marriage.
20:21
Daniel Moore: Um, because of things that were not resolved from back then, I carried that over into our marriage and then I allowed that to start happening again.
20:28
Daniel Moore: And until I took control over that and we went through everything that we did to almost getting a divorce and really me opening up my reality of where I'm I'm at in this relationship.
20:38
Michelle Moore: Well, and I think that goes on my part too, of being like, let's talk about it, just pushing things.
20:43
Michelle Moore: I mean, I think both of us had that, like that issue.
20:46
Michelle Moore: And yours wasn't yours was specifically this, but mine was one of the other ones.
20:50
Michelle Moore: And you know, communicating in a healthy manner is not like bugging you to get it out.
20:55
Michelle Moore: And like, you know, and I think this comes back to your relationship with Christ.
20:59
Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, if you have a healthy relationship with Christ, your marriage should exemplify that within your marriage, you know, if your relationship with God is like that, because you talk to God, you know, talk to your spouse like you know, he's your best friend.
21:17
Michelle Moore: You guys are one, you remember?
21:20
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
21:20
Daniel Moore: So we need to make sure that when we do have these communications, that we don't hold things back.
21:26
Daniel Moore: And it it takes a special place in your relationship to make that happen.
21:30
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
21:30
Daniel Moore: But that's the part of the relationship that needs to be nurtured in marriage.
21:35
Daniel Moore: So the next one here is physical boundaries in marriage.
21:47
Daniel Moore: And these involve respecting each other's personal space, comfort levels, and bodily autonomy, even within the intimacy of a committed relationship.
21:55
Daniel Moore: When you have these boundaries in place, they help foster trust, safety, and mutual respect.
21:59
Daniel Moore: So the first one here is personal space.
22:03
Daniel Moore: One spouse may need alone time in a certain room to rest, pray, or decompress.
22:07
Daniel Moore: The other spouse respects that without interruption.
22:10
Daniel Moore: So I like that.
22:12
Daniel Moore: We do we talked a little bit about this, I think, in our last episode about how uh spouses should like to do the same things.
22:19
Daniel Moore: That was a myth that we that we busted last week.
22:23
Michelle Moore: Definitely not true.
22:24
Daniel Moore: You know, there's times that uh you might need to be taking a nap where I'm just full of life and ready to go ride bikes or hike or whatever.
22:34
Michelle Moore: That's not really true, but it does not do that's just an example.
22:39
Daniel Moore: That's too much exertion for me.
22:41
Daniel Moore: Um but there may be times, you know, that you need to go off and pray, or I need to go off and pray, or just some decompression time.
22:49
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and that's not a time to be physically busting in on somebody and physically changing the whole situation.
22:55
Daniel Moore: Oh, we're gonna do this, you know.
22:56
Daniel Moore: You don't need that time.
22:57
Michelle Moore: I like your example though.
22:59
Michelle Moore: Asking before entering the bathroom or bedroom if the door is closed.
23:04
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
23:04
Daniel Moore: And you know, we've done that because if you remember, there was times, you know, there's been times in our marriage where you've had some emotional stuff going on, I guess is the best way to put this.
23:16
Daniel Moore: And you would go off to the room and close the door, uh-huh, and then I would give you a little bit of time, then I'd finally come up and say, Hey, you know, can I come in?
23:23
Daniel Moore: You know, come and talk to you.
23:25
Daniel Moore: Uh so that's kind of where that heads.
23:28
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
23:28
Daniel Moore: You've got to be aware of your spouse's emotional state, what's going on in their life at that moment.
23:34
Daniel Moore: And, you know, just because you're married doesn't give you license just to bust in on them every time you think you feel like it when they're going through something.
23:42
Daniel Moore: You need to give them that time.
23:44
Michelle Moore: And I think that for us, that's mostly for me, because you know, when you say emotional stuff, yeah, I'm a female.
23:52
Michelle Moore: So, you know, there's I mean, I went through a time when my dad was murdered.
23:55
Michelle Moore: I really had to take a lot of time, yeah, you know, to myself to figure things out.
24:00
Daniel Moore: So the second one is physical affection and intimacy.
24:04
Daniel Moore: So read us that one.
24:05
Michelle Moore: One spouse may not be comfortable with certain kinds of touch in public, such as kissing or long hugs.
24:11
Michelle Moore: The other honors that preference.
24:14
Michelle Moore: Um, the example is discussing and agreeing on how and when physical intimacy happens, ensuring it's always mutual and never forced, even in marriage.
24:23
Michelle Moore: And I this is one thing that Dan and I, we had to work on too ourselves.
24:28
Michelle Moore: You know, I I'm a I love to hold hands.
24:32
Michelle Moore: Um, I love to be right next to Daniel.
24:35
Michelle Moore: Um, I'm more of a touchy-feely, not I wouldn't say touchy-feely, but I I like to have you by my side.
24:41
Michelle Moore: And I I love that.
24:42
Michelle Moore: And, you know, at first I you weren't used to that.
24:47
Michelle Moore: And so now it's just automatic, like we just get right next to each other and hold hands or something like that.
24:52
Michelle Moore: And yeah, we're more affectionate.
24:54
Michelle Moore: But I do think that has to be you have to understand if a partner or your, you know, is not ready for that, and you need to talk to them and you know, meet in the middle.
25:06
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
25:06
Michelle Moore: You know, if that's not something they're comfortable with, you need to make sure that you're like, hey, give them time, pray about it, you know.
25:12
Daniel Moore: Yeah, yeah, it's something that some people just don't like to they they don't want people in their personal space, you know, sometimes.
25:21
Michelle Moore: Not I don't like you in my face, am I right?
25:23
Michelle Moore: Yeah, there's there's things like stay out of my face, I don't like it.
25:27
Daniel Moore: There's definitely boundaries that needs to be in place there.
25:30
Michelle Moore: Respect each other.
25:32
Michelle Moore: Right.
25:32
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
25:33
Daniel Moore: Uh so the next couple here in physical boundaries is cons consent and comfort.
25:39
Daniel Moore: Uh even in marriage consent matters.
25:41
Daniel Moore: One spouse may say, I'm not in the mood for physical affection right now, and the other respects that without guilt tripping.
25:47
Michelle Moore: Yeah, so good.
25:48
Daniel Moore: So that kind of goes with this last one a little bit.
25:50
Daniel Moore: So, you know, there's times that that's you things are okay and times that things aren't okay.
25:55
Michelle Moore: Right.
25:56
Daniel Moore: And make sure that you're, you know, aware of that and you respect that.
25:59
Michelle Moore: Absolutely.
26:00
Daniel Moore: Uh the next one is appearance and body autonomy, uh, where one spouse doesn't pressure the other to dress or look a certain way, recognizing that their body is their own.
26:09
Michelle Moore: So sorry, hen.
26:10
Michelle Moore: I like to dress you.
26:13
Daniel Moore: But I don't mind that either.
26:15
Michelle Moore: I'm reading that and I'm like, is that really I think that's toward me, you know?
26:19
Daniel Moore: She she's you know, got the fashion thing and I don't.
26:23
Daniel Moore: So and I acknowledge that.
26:25
Daniel Moore: So it's a T it's jeans and t-shirt, short shorts and t-shirt for me.
26:30
Daniel Moore: And he'll come out and I'm like, it doesn't match.
26:33
Michelle Moore: He's like, What do you mean, black on black?
26:34
Michelle Moore: And I'm like, No, it does not go together.
26:37
Daniel Moore: Yeah, so I just, you know, let her dress me sometimes, no big deal.
26:42
Michelle Moore: Now I know why that one's in there.
26:44
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
26:45
Daniel Moore: Uh the next one is respecting boundaries with others, and that's agreeing on what physical closeness with people outside the marriage, such as friends, co-workers, etc., is appropriate, like hugging, touching, or being alone with the opposite sex and setting boundaries around those who enter your shared space, you know, like family staying over, how long guests can visit, things like that.
27:09
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
27:09
Daniel Moore: Uh so that's another one there in physical, and you know, there's those people that are opposite sex friends that might not be super close friends, but they just love to touch and hug everybody that they walk by.
27:20
Daniel Moore: And people like that make me uncomfortable because they want to come up and they're talking, they're rubbing your back and they're patting you on the shoulder, you know.
27:27
Daniel Moore: It's like, I've got you, you know, you're standing over here close to me, and it's like, this is not, this is awkward.
27:32
Daniel Moore: You know, it's like, you know, people like that get into my space.
27:36
Daniel Moore: Yes.
27:36
Daniel Moore: But some people are okay with that kind of interaction with people that are friends, and the spouses don't think nothing about it, but you just need to know where those boundaries are, yeah.
27:44
Daniel Moore: And make sure that there's no issue there going on.
27:47
Michelle Moore: And it's funny because that's happened before, and I can see Dan's face, and it's like he's so like, this is so awkward.
27:55
Michelle Moore: And I'm over there just dying laughing because it's bothered him.
27:58
Michelle Moore: And you know, that person has no idea, and he's just like, What do we do?
28:01
Daniel Moore: And his eyes are just I'm slowly walking sideways.
28:05
Daniel Moore: Uh get your hand off of me.
28:10
Michelle Moore: Note to self.
28:11
Michelle Moore: Have you ever seen Daniel?
28:12
Michelle Moore: I'm telling you guys, just go up and just tap him on the shoulder and just start running.
28:17
Daniel Moore: Oh, yeah, exactly.
28:19
Daniel Moore: Don't take her advice.
28:22
Daniel Moore: Uh the last thing here in physical is handling conflict physically.
28:27
Daniel Moore: And of course, we know what that means.
28:30
Daniel Moore: Um, physical intimidation, blocking doorways, throwing stuff during arguments, picking your spouse up, throwing him at the wall.
28:36
Daniel Moore: You know, all that bad stuff that happens when fights take place.
28:39
Daniel Moore: It's not healthy, it's not a healthy way to be, and especially you got kids sitting there watching it.
28:43
Daniel Moore: Makes it even worse.
28:45
Daniel Moore: So the next one is spiritual boundaries.
28:55
Daniel Moore: And uh each spouse maintains a personal relationship with God while also growing together spiritually.
29:02
Daniel Moore: They involve respecting differences in beliefs, practices, and spiritual pace and ensuring that spiritual leadership or influence is not used to control or manipulate.
29:11
Daniel Moore: And so the the first couple here is respecting individuals' walks with God.
29:16
Daniel Moore: And so this man can pass something like one spouse prefers quiet time with God in the morning while the other connects more during the evening, and they support each other's rhythms rather than forcing a shared routine.
29:29
Daniel Moore: And you and I.
29:31
Michelle Moore: That is so us.
29:45
Daniel Moore: And see, I don't function as well in the evening.
29:47
Daniel Moore: I feel like that if I get up early in the morning, that it's it's quieter and I can just retain things better as I read, where you're opposite of that, but we don't argue and fight over that.
29:57
Michelle Moore: No, and I I guess this is you know something that's bothered me because I've always heard start your day with God, you know, start your day with in Bible reading and stuff like that.
30:06
Michelle Moore: And you know, I do pray in the morning, but I don't start in my Bible.
30:12
Michelle Moore: And you know, sometimes that can really it bothers me.
30:17
Michelle Moore: But you've always you know, you've always been a good about sure assuring me that, hey, you know, you're different than me.
30:23
Michelle Moore: This is the best way you learn.
30:26
Michelle Moore: And but for some of those people that really think, okay, this needs to be this way, just remember your walk with God is your walk with God.
30:36
Daniel Moore: Right.
30:36
Daniel Moore: Yeah, make sure that regardless of what you both think about it or what society may try to tell you, what culture may try to tell you, the things that you do that actually helps you grow in God and move forward in your walk with God.
30:49
Daniel Moore: If something's working, just stick with it.
30:51
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
30:52
Daniel Moore: Don't worry if it's in the morning or if it's in the evening, afternoons, it does not matter.
30:56
Daniel Moore: Uh, the important thing is that you're carrying on that relationship with God like you should be and you're growing.
31:02
Michelle Moore: And I like the fact in the evening we both have books.
31:04
Michelle Moore: When we go to bed, we both really we sit down and we just like read our books.
31:10
Michelle Moore: Like, and you have a marriage book and I have a Christian book.
31:12
Michelle Moore: And so we're just kind of taking our individual time.
31:15
Michelle Moore: And if I want to sleep, I sleep.
31:17
Michelle Moore: If you want to, you know, vice versa.
31:20
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
31:20
Michelle Moore: And so we we always respect each other when it, but I I don't think we did when the very beginning of our marriage.
31:26
Michelle Moore: I mean, this has come a long way for us.
31:28
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it has.
31:29
Daniel Moore: And it's just things you learn as you go along.
31:32
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
31:32
Daniel Moore: But it's best if you put it in the play at the beginning.
31:34
Daniel Moore: Yes.
31:35
Michelle Moore: Just yes.
31:36
Daniel Moore: Give each other their space when it comes to their God time and their quiet time.
31:39
Michelle Moore: Ooh, this is a good one.
31:41
Daniel Moore: The next one is honor honoring differences in spiritual maturity and beliefs.
31:44
Daniel Moore: So tell us about that one.
31:46
Michelle Moore: One spouse is more spiritually mature or involved in a church leadership, but doesn't belittle or pressure the other to catch up.
31:53
Michelle Moore: Um, he put an example in this.
31:57
Michelle Moore: If spouses are from different denominations, they agree on core values by giving space for minor differences in expression or worship.
32:04
Michelle Moore: And this is this is a really good one.
32:07
Daniel Moore: I've got experience in this one.
32:10
Michelle Moore: Yes, in both areas.
32:11
Michelle Moore: Yes.
32:12
Michelle Moore: Like for the ex both examples, I mean, I think this is this is really good.
32:16
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
32:17
Daniel Moore: So you're gonna have this the spouse that when you go to church, that one's gonna feel more led to serve in multiple areas where sometimes, not all the time.
32:27
Daniel Moore: Or the other spouse may only want to do one, you know.
32:31
Michelle Moore: Like me, I'm only in one spot.
32:33
Daniel Moore: And and so, well, you're in a couple actually because we I am, but we do marriage ministry as well at church.
32:40
Daniel Moore: But I do two, I guess, plus the marriage.
32:45
Daniel Moore: So I I do one more than what you do.
32:47
Daniel Moore: Uh but I don't ride you about that or you don't ride me about that.
32:52
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's you have to allow people, some people are they just they do well at serving, and others it's a stretch for them to do serving for whatever reasons.
33:04
Michelle Moore: And well, even having a a deeper relationship with Christ, you know, to where like if you are deeper in Christ than where I am, yeah, you're not getting upset at me.
33:16
Michelle Moore: You're letting me have my walk with God.
33:18
Daniel Moore: Not pressing you to catch up.
33:19
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
33:20
Michelle Moore: I really like that.
33:21
Michelle Moore: That's really, really good.
33:23
Daniel Moore: Well, some I think some people can study the Bible well and they can really retain a lot from it.
33:29
Daniel Moore: Where others struggle.
33:30
Michelle Moore: That would be meaningful.
33:31
Daniel Moore: And you know, there's no reason for, you know, I'm thankful for the gift God has given me.
33:38
Daniel Moore: And but I'm also thankful that He's given me a good godly spouse like you that even though you may not get into that as deep as I do, or you know, you always tell me like you can't you don't retain that as easily or whatever.
33:50
Michelle Moore: I have to write everything down.
33:51
Daniel Moore: You have to write everything down.
33:52
Daniel Moore: I respect that.
33:53
Daniel Moore: You know, I this isn't a hill to die on, you know.
33:57
Daniel Moore: Just be thankful your spouse is interested in God and wants to have a godly m marriage like you do, and wants to go to church with you, and you know, just be thankful that you because there's people out this the other side of this where if you're in different denominations, I was actually in that with my first marriage and it didn't work.
34:14
Daniel Moore: And so you have to be careful with you you get into the unequally yoked thing where it it can't fix itself.
34:21
Michelle Moore: You guys didn't even have the same core values.
34:24
Daniel Moore: They weren't, they were completely different, and so you have to be careful with who you mix and mingle yourself with because if you get into something expecting it to be long term, it may not be because your differences are so bad that you can't you can't go have it anymore.
34:38
Daniel Moore: And that's pretty much what happened with us.
34:41
Daniel Moore: Our our uh church lives were so different because of the denominations that we were in that we could never we could not come to an agreement.
34:49
Daniel Moore: And it ended up pulling us both out of church.
34:51
Daniel Moore: And so you don't want that to happen.
34:53
Daniel Moore: And so you have to respect each other's spiritual maturity and belief differences within your marriages.
34:58
Daniel Moore: There's just no way around that.
35:00
Daniel Moore: The next one is avoiding spiritual manipulation.
35:04
Daniel Moore: And I've seen this happen quite a few times where spouses with those scriptures at their other spouse to try to control their behavior, and we do this to our kids too.
35:14
Daniel Moore: Uh, this when you have kids in the family, this is something else that happens quite often.
35:19
Daniel Moore: But you'll see uh spouses misquoting submit to your husband, you know, to silence disagreements or whatever.
35:26
Daniel Moore: Uh, there's a lot of uh that's just a one example, um, but there's a lot of you know marriages out there where the husbands are very dominating in the relationship.
35:36
Daniel Moore: And in order to justify what they're doing, they'll use scriptures like this to stay in domination when that's not really what God meant.
35:44
Daniel Moore: God meant for me and you to be equals.
35:46
Daniel Moore: Yes, the husband is the head of the home, but that does not give me uh the license to throw at you, you know, when you do something that I don't appreciate or whatever.
35:56
Daniel Moore: So hey, the Bible says you submit to me, so you're gonna do what I tell you to do.
35:59
Daniel Moore: That's not what that means.
36:01
Michelle Moore: You know what I tell you?
36:02
Daniel Moore: You tell me to go jump in the lake.
36:03
Michelle Moore: No, I tell you I'd punch you.
36:06
Daniel Moore: After, yeah.
36:07
Daniel Moore: And then tell me go jump in the lake.
36:10
Michelle Moore: No, I wouldn't.
36:12
Daniel Moore: I just forget she's gotta be violent first, and then she gets reaction.
36:15
Michelle Moore: I like that punch in the face thing.
36:17
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
36:17
Michelle Moore: And I've never punched him in the face, just saying No, she hasn't.
36:22
Daniel Moore: But this is not a good thing to do.
36:24
Daniel Moore: No, um, as far as taking scripture out of out of context and misquoting scripture just to get your agenda um within your relationship.
36:33
Michelle Moore: And I and did you say the next example?
36:35
Michelle Moore: Okay, go ahead.
36:36
Michelle Moore: I I like this one.
36:38
Daniel Moore: The next one here and avoiding spiritual manipulation is not declaring God told me we have to do this in a way that shuts down honest discussion or mutual decision making because you and I both know that sometimes, regardless of how close we are to God and how much we go to church and how much we read our Bible, there's times that I might make a decision on something, or you might make a decision on something that the me or you see differently.
37:05
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
37:06
Daniel Moore: And so we have to step back for a minute and okay, so is there more of me in this equation than God?
37:12
Daniel Moore: Right.
37:12
Daniel Moore: Or is God really in this?
37:15
Michelle Moore: And and correct me if I'm wrong, and maybe this is something I'm just thinking in in my head is if God told you to do something, if you have a a relationship with Christ, wouldn't your wife kind of somewhat feel that way?
37:29
Daniel Moore: There when you do have there should be an agreement.
37:32
Daniel Moore: When you have words from the Lord like that, it's good to have confirmations from other places.
37:37
Daniel Moore: Yes.
37:38
Daniel Moore: And whether if that is your spouse or if it's just it can be from anything, really.
37:42
Daniel Moore: You could pull open the Bible and read a scripture and it confirm what you feel in your spirit, or a friend could say something, hear a message, you know, a sermon on the internet and it confirms that there's just different ways.
37:52
Daniel Moore: But definitely if you're married, then your spouse probably needs to be the first one you need to bounce that off of.
37:58
Daniel Moore: Because if they're in tune with Christ and they have good discernment, then you should value what they have to say over this decision that you're making because you think God told you to do that.
38:08
Daniel Moore: After all, if I say that God told me to do something, who's gonna get drugged into that eventually?
38:14
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
38:14
Daniel Moore: You.
38:15
Daniel Moore: So we have to make sure that both of us are on the same page with that and we both pray that through and we both have a peace, especially if it's a big decision.
38:23
Daniel Moore: Um, we have to make sure that we both have peace in that.
38:27
Michelle Moore: And and I remember, I think it was Pastor Jimmy Evans.
38:30
Michelle Moore: He would talk about Karen, you know, he'd pray about stuff and he felt one way, and then Karen would be praying, and she'd come to him and say something, and he'd be like, Oh wow.
38:39
Michelle Moore: Yeah, she's right, you know.
38:41
Michelle Moore: And I I really like that.
38:43
Michelle Moore: And I I mean, I appreciate the just uh transparency that he spoke that because it's like sometimes you know, whether vice versa, you have to listen to that spouse and that open communication and the honest stuff has to be there in order for you guys to talk about that and don't just say, God told me to do this, you know, it it needs to be prayed about as a couple, as one.
39:07
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
39:08
Daniel Moore: Don't over spiritualize it.
39:10
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
39:10
Daniel Moore: You know, if you're in if you're in a discussion and you're getting tired of uh, you know, if I if you're if you're mentioning this to your spouse and your spouse keeps coming back with all the reasons you shouldn't be doing this, and you're just you're getting exhausted in the communication and whatever, you know, just don't go to this just to shut the conversation down.
39:27
Daniel Moore: Well, God told me to do this and we're done, not talking about it anymore.
39:31
Daniel Moore: Um that's not the way to to handle that discussion.
39:34
Michelle Moore: I always get nervous about when I think that because I'm like, okay, Dan, can you pray with me about this?
39:39
Michelle Moore: Because this is the way I feel.
39:41
Michelle Moore: And I mean, you know, I feel like God is speaking to me like this.
39:45
Michelle Moore: And could you pray with me?
39:46
Michelle Moore: And, you know, trying to read through scripture and everything, and it is, it has that confirmation, you know.
39:52
Daniel Moore: So the fourth one here on spiritual boundaries in marriage is personal versus shared spiritual practices.
40:00
Daniel Moore: So here, one spouse may want to fast or attend a retreat, the other supports it, but doesn't feel obligated to join unless they feel personally led.
40:10
Daniel Moore: The other example is one partner may journal their prayers or enjoy enjoy solitude with God, and that space is respected without invasion or judgment.
40:20
Daniel Moore: And this was a big one because there are times where I know for myself when I grew up, I always thought that, you know, of course we do our churchwide fast.
40:31
Daniel Moore: And we always have one at one or two of those per year at our church.
40:35
Daniel Moore: And so at that point in time, of course, everybody that feels led to jumps on that uh that bandwagon and goes ahead and does the fast, you know, corporately.
40:44
Daniel Moore: But there are times even in marriages where just individually, you may have something going on in your life that God speaks to you and say, you know, let's let's fast and pray about this for a week or so.
40:54
Daniel Moore: But your spouse may not have that same inclination.
40:58
Daniel Moore: Right, you know, right.
40:59
Daniel Moore: So that doesn't mean you don't do it, because if God's telling you to do a fast and to to pray about something, you probably need to listen because there's probably something going on there that that needs to be taken care of in the long run, and that's what it's gonna take.
41:11
Daniel Moore: And but the other spouse, if they don't feel led to be doing that fast with you, then they shouldn't feel forced to join that because then they're not gonna get nothing out of it.
41:21
Daniel Moore: Because you go into a fast and you go into a time of prayer expecting.
41:25
Daniel Moore: Yeah, that's the whole reason that you do that fast and pray.
41:28
Daniel Moore: You're expecting some answers, you're expecting some changes, you're expecting God to move in a mighty way.
41:34
Daniel Moore: Well, if your spouse doesn't have that going on in their mind frame right at that moment, then they're just going along with you to along for the ride.
41:41
Daniel Moore: They're not really getting anything out of that.
41:43
Daniel Moore: And so don't force each other to participate in those things.
41:47
Daniel Moore: Now, if you both feel led, go for it, you know.
41:50
Daniel Moore: Uh, and then journaling's the same way.
41:53
Daniel Moore: Michelle likes to journal more than I do.
41:56
Michelle Moore: And I've actually I I do, but I mean, I think mostly now, more since uh the Abide class, you know, listen to it and on the podcast, um, Rise Up Podcasts, you know, they've had their classes on there.
42:11
Michelle Moore: And uh it's very it helps you understand the Bible a lot more.
42:15
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
42:16
Michelle Moore: And so I'm very thankful for that.
42:18
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
42:18
Daniel Moore: And then a couple more here on spiritual boundaries.
42:21
Daniel Moore: The first one is church and ministry involvement.
42:23
Daniel Moore: Um, that's agreeing on how much time to commit to church service or ministry to avoid burnout or neglect of the family.
42:29
Daniel Moore: And that's a big one.
42:30
Michelle Moore: Yes.
42:31
Daniel Moore: If one spouse doesn't feel called to a certain ministry or role, the other doesn't force participation out of guilt or image management.
42:38
Daniel Moore: And a good example of that would be well, the the wife wants to serve in kids, so she drags her husband in there, or the husband wants to serve in youth and drags the wife in there.
42:47
Daniel Moore: Um, for a while I was on the prayer team at church.
42:50
Daniel Moore: I wanted you to come down there and be part of that prayer team with me for the longest time, but you wouldn't.
42:54
Daniel Moore: That's not what God called you to do.
42:57
Daniel Moore: And so I went ahead and done what I felt like God wanted me to do for that season, and you done something differently.
43:03
Daniel Moore: So, but I never did put a guilt trip on you to get you down there.
43:07
Daniel Moore: So that's kind of good that part of that one.
43:09
Daniel Moore: And then the last one here on spiritual boundaries is leading and submitting with love and mutual respect.
43:15
Daniel Moore: And that's a we're a husband, we're called to spiritual leadership in the home, but at the same time, we talked about this just a while ago.
43:22
Daniel Moore: I seek your input and your value and I value your spiritual insight rather than ruling over you.
43:27
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
43:28
Daniel Moore: And then a wife who is strong in faith encourages her husband's growth gently, not by comparison or criticism.
43:34
Daniel Moore: And that's that's another good one because uh again, that comes back to where you're misquoting things or you're gaslighting, I guess you could say, you're manipulating by criticizing and trying to, you know, get your agenda in place by doing that.
43:50
Daniel Moore: And closing up this week's episode.
43:59
Daniel Moore: The last one is relational boundaries in marriage.
44:03
Daniel Moore: And these are guidelines that couples set to protect the health, trust, and exclusivity of the relationship, especially in how they interact with others, such as friends, families, co-workers, and with each other.
44:14
Daniel Moore: So these boundaries help prevent emotional entanglements, unhealthy attachments, and external interference in the marriage.
44:21
Daniel Moore: So the first one here is opposite sex friendships.
44:24
Daniel Moore: And it's probably the first one for a reason.
44:26
Daniel Moore: This is a big one.
44:27
Daniel Moore: A spouse chooses not to have close one-on-one friendships with members of the opposite sex unless their spouse is present or aware to avoid emotional affairs or suspicion.
44:38
Daniel Moore: And then along with that is sharing text or conversations with transparency and not secrecy, especially when it involves someone who could be a potential temptation.
44:47
Michelle Moore: That's okay.
44:47
Daniel Moore: So that's a big relational boundary that we all need to have in place in our marriages.
44:52
Daniel Moore: And we did a full episode on that um last fall in our marriage series.
44:58
Daniel Moore: The next one is prioritizing the marriage over extended family.
45:02
Daniel Moore: So give us that one.
45:03
Michelle Moore: This one's hard.
45:05
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
45:06
Michelle Moore: A spouse sets a boundary when with their parents by saying, We'll discuss this as a couple and get back to you, instead of letting family make decisions for your marriage.
45:15
Michelle Moore: We're protecting your spouse from disrespect by family members and not allowing in-laws to meddle in private marital issues.
45:25
Daniel Moore: So yeah, we've got an episode on that also.
45:27
Daniel Moore: And actually, that was actually the most popular episode in our marriage series was the one where we talked about ditching your parents.
45:38
Michelle Moore: It's it's it's hard.
45:39
Michelle Moore: Especially, I think, more for females.
45:43
Michelle Moore: But then again, there are times that boys are mamas, boys.
45:49
Michelle Moore: And I can see where they would, you know, if they talk to their mom and the mom says something and they take it back to the spouse.
45:57
Michelle Moore: Or, you know, even as you know, myself, I don't I mean, I'm not now, I don't listen to my parents or I mean my mom.
46:06
Michelle Moore: I do listen to her.
46:07
Michelle Moore: Let me that's that sounds so disrespectful.
46:09
Michelle Moore: Um, I do listen to her and I take heart, but we don't really discuss our marriage stuff or anything like that.
46:16
Michelle Moore: I mean, occasionally we will, but you know, she's I think she's learned over the years we're gonna do what we want to do and she trusts us that, you know, God's leading us in the right direction.
46:26
Michelle Moore: But back when we first got married, I mean that was tough, you know, they didn't like you.
46:31
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
46:32
Michelle Moore: I mean, I think they liked you, but they didn't like you.
46:35
Daniel Moore: Yeah, they didn't like the way I did certain things and got me a nickname.
46:40
Michelle Moore: Sergeant Dan.
46:41
Daniel Moore: Sergeant Dan.
46:42
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
46:43
Michelle Moore: But you know, looking back at it, our relationship wasn't healthy, and you know, your relationship with the kids was not handled appropriately either.
46:54
Michelle Moore: I mean, there were so many things that were wrong.
46:56
Michelle Moore: And you know, and I'm so thankful for forgiveness because you know, we went to our children and we've asked for forgiveness, you know, and you know, my dad's not here, but I know no fact he loved you so much, and my mom loves you.
47:09
Michelle Moore: I mean, when I look at it now, things are so different, and but people need to make sure that they set their boundaries with the parents.
47:17
Michelle Moore: You know, your parents don't rule you, you and your spouse come together and make decisions before God, and you know, it's not you, your husband, or you, your, you know, your wife and your husband, whatever, and your parents.
47:32
Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, you and me.
47:35
Daniel Moore: Yep.
47:36
Daniel Moore: We always come back to that scripture in Genesis where the man cleaves to his wife, leaves his parents, and they become one.
47:42
Daniel Moore: They don't become four.
47:43
Daniel Moore: So you make sure you shed the other two off.
47:46
Daniel Moore: That's biblical.
47:47
Daniel Moore: That's not I love it.
47:49
Daniel Moore: That's that's not uh, you know, overusing a scripture in a in a wrong form or fashion.
47:53
Daniel Moore: That's actually using it the way it should be.
47:55
Daniel Moore: So yeah.
47:56
Daniel Moore: So good.
47:57
Daniel Moore: Uh they're there for support if needed, for some help.
48:01
Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, during some bad times, there's some good uh some good examples they can give you or whatever.
48:08
Michelle Moore: Well, if I go back to uh the podcast that we did with Scotty and Vicki, Vicki will talk about her father.
48:14
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
48:15
Michelle Moore: And how he talked to her about Scotty.
48:18
Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, and he was a praying man.
48:20
Michelle Moore: And so, you know, sometimes that advice from your parents, because you know they're godly parents, you have to step back and pray about it and listen.
48:28
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
48:29
Daniel Moore: The next one is handling friendships when it comes to relationship boundaries, limiting time with friends who are bad influences on the marriage, such as those who encourage gossip, negativity about spouses or unfaithfulness.
48:41
Daniel Moore: And avoid venting about your spouse to friends, especially of the opposite sex, which can lead to emotional disconnection from your marriage.
48:49
Daniel Moore: So that one there's pretty self-explanatory.
48:52
Daniel Moore: You know, whoever you run around, you're gonna end up being like.
48:55
Michelle Moore: So thankful for godly friendships.
48:57
Daniel Moore: Yes, you've got to make sure you keep those friendships in your marriage within your marriages and individually both.
49:02
Daniel Moore: Make sure those are good friendships, they encourage you, you know.
49:05
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
49:06
Daniel Moore: That negativity and all that other stuff needs to not even be a part of your relationship.
49:11
Daniel Moore: And then protecting time together, that's setting boundaries around work hours, social events, or digital devices.
49:17
Daniel Moore: So quality time as a couple isn't consistently neglected.
49:21
Daniel Moore: And then also turning down social imitations if they conflict with planned date nights or family time.
49:26
Michelle Moore: That's really hard.
49:27
Daniel Moore: It is.
49:28
Michelle Moore: It is.
49:29
Michelle Moore: I think that's even, you know, sometimes just for you and I.
49:32
Michelle Moore: I mean, I feel as I've told him this morning, I'm like, it's go, go, go, go.
49:36
Michelle Moore: It's nonstop.
49:37
Michelle Moore: And he's like, it keeps us young.
49:39
Michelle Moore: And I'm like, it exhausted me, you know.
49:41
Michelle Moore: It's like, you know, and but we love it, you know, and it's you you do have to protect that and you know, making sure that we still have time together.
49:53
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
49:53
Daniel Moore: Uh the next one here is social media and online boundaries, and that kind of goes along with this last one uh that we just went through, agreeing not to post about marital struggles or arguments online.
50:04
Daniel Moore: Uh, that's something that some people really like to do.
50:08
Daniel Moore: Air their baggage out there for the whole world to see instead of fixing it internally first and not posting none of that stuff.
50:14
Daniel Moore: And then being open with passwords or social activity to foster trust while still respecting privacy and not secrecy.
50:22
Daniel Moore: And I'm telling you, this is a big one.
50:23
Daniel Moore: People may disagree with me on this, but I think that when you have passwords on your devices, your spouse should know what they are.
50:30
Daniel Moore: Absolutely.
50:30
Daniel Moore: I do not think there's any excuse whatsoever at any given moment or time where your spouse should not be allowed to know what those passwords are unless those devices are work-related.
50:41
Daniel Moore: Because I know sometimes if where you work, if they give you some a phone or something like that, uh they may not want other people to know that stuff for the integrity of the company.
50:52
Daniel Moore: Um so then you're gonna have to use some discretion at that point, of course, to uh of course a lot of times those companies have things on those devices anyway to see if you're doing it.
51:02
Daniel Moore: See what you're doing.
51:02
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
51:03
Daniel Moore: So I can I understand if that's a situation because that is true that that happens.
51:08
Daniel Moore: But if it's your personal devices, uh your personal, you know, chat rooms, whatever you get into these days, stuff, you know, your social media and all that, your spouse should know what those passwords are.
51:20
Daniel Moore: That's just a part of being open with each other and not fostering any of those bad thoughts and those, you know, what's going on.
51:28
Daniel Moore: You know, is there something hiding that they're hiding behind my back?
51:31
Daniel Moore: For some reason I can't have this password.
51:33
Daniel Moore: It just opens up that door and then problems start happening.
51:37
Daniel Moore: So um next one is conflict and privacy boundaries, and that's agreeing not to argue or criticize one another in front of others, especially children, friends, or family.
51:50
Daniel Moore: Keeping certain disagreements private instead of sharing them with outsiders, unless you're seeking trusted counsel or therapy.
51:56
Daniel Moore: And I think you and I have always done really well with that.
51:58
Daniel Moore: Even whenever we were having our problems, our kids didn't really know until you were moving out.
52:03
Michelle Moore: Right.
52:03
Daniel Moore: I mean, whether if that was right or wrong, who knows?
52:06
Daniel Moore: But uh they definitely, you know, we didn't let them see a lot of that stuff that was going on behind closed doors.
52:13
Daniel Moore: Now you did have friends that you spoke to and I did too, about those things that we shouldn't have.
52:20
Daniel Moore: But as far as just openly criticizing just the everybody and that kind of thing, that's just not something you should do.
52:26
Daniel Moore: And then the last one, uh share that one with us emotional intimacy boundaries.
52:31
Michelle Moore: Not seeking emotional support or deep connection from someone outside the marriage that should be reserved for your spouse or telling a friend or co-worker, I'm not comfortable talking about that.
52:43
Michelle Moore: Those are things I only share with my spouse.
52:46
Daniel Moore: Yep.
52:47
Michelle Moore: And I I really like that because we both have I mean we've both been through that.
52:52
Michelle Moore: Yeah, but I I do feel like that it should be only shared with your spouse.
52:57
Daniel Moore: Yeah, yeah, there's certain things that just shouldn't be common knowledge, and it's things that need to be kept between the two of you.
53:05
Daniel Moore: And when you can actually make that happen, then it sets up that that point of trust.
53:11
Daniel Moore: It sets up that safe space where you know that the both of you can talk about things and it not get out there to people that shouldn't be, you know, talking about it or knowing about it.
53:21
Daniel Moore: So that's the definition of boundaries, uh, and why we want to talk about boundaries in marriage, and that's emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational.
53:30
Daniel Moore: So next week on this podcast, we're gonna get back into this boundary discussion, and we're gonna talk about misconceptions about boundaries.
53:39
Daniel Moore: And believe it or not, there's a lot of things out there that people think about boundaries that aren't really true.
53:44
Daniel Moore: They have the reasons for thinking why boundaries are put into place when really that's not why they're put into place.
53:50
Daniel Moore: So we're going to debunk debunk some of that next week and get a little bit deeper into this discussion on biblical boundaries in marriage.
53:58
Daniel Moore: Um, but that's gonna be all for this week.
54:00
Daniel Moore: And just make sure that you subscribe so that you don't miss that episode.
54:04
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, and my wife Michelle's been sitting here with you this week.
54:07
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for listening.
54:08
Daniel Moore: This show wouldn't be possible without you.
54:10
Daniel Moore: If you're a fan of the show, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, or if you'd like to help us with just a few seconds to give us a five-star click, and please subscribe to your favorite platform.
54:20
Daniel Moore: And the links for those are in the show notes.
54:23
Daniel Moore: Well, it's all for this week, and we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
54:29
Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray you have a blessed week.
54:34
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54:36
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