Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1052 - Other People Matter

Transcript

#1052 - Other People Matter · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: It's The Happy Family's Podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent They just wants.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Answers mew Friday is one of those days we start
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: to exhale, breathe a sigh of relief. The weekend's almost here,
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: which means you get to have all that time with
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: the family and do all the washing, and do all
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: the mill prep, and do the shopping and do all
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: the other things that make it so that you can hopefully,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: hopefully scratch away through another week white knuckling it. Hello,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: this is doctor Justin Colson. I am the for a
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: bunch of balks about how to make your family happier
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: and the husband of the start of today's show, missus
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Happy Families, Mum to our six daughters and one grand baby.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Oh you're not mom to the grand baby. You know
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: what I mean. I'm trying to get it all in grandmum.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: And this is the number one podcast in Australia for
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: parenting and family. It's called The Happy Family's Podcast, The
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants Answers Now.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Every Friday in the pole we talk about how we've
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: done things well or how we haven't done things well.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: We get a little bit analytical so that we can
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: try to do better tomorrow. The name of the podcast
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: on a Friday, I'll do better tomorrow, Kylie. I'm going
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: first today, and I'm not really talking so much about parenting.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about life. Reason being I tried to share
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: this last week, but you decided to share with the
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: world my terrible games night parenting fiasco.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Well, what happened at our last games night?
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: I didn't play, he didn't play. Following on from the podcast,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: we had another night around the table with cards, and
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: I said, actually, I had a good reason for not playing,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: other than the fact that I hate it and I'm
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: a bad sport and I don't do games very well.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: My number one reason was I had Delhi belly. I
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: went to a conference. I was a speaker there. I
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: spoke before lunch, then went and had lunch, and they
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: served up some dodgy lamb, an Indian Lamb dish that
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: even as I was eating, I was thinking, not sure,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: but too many calories were necessary, So I swatted it anyway,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: for the next forty eight hours, I was pretty crook.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: So that's the reason that I really didn't do it anyway. Today,
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I want to talk about what I was going to
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: talk about last week, which it does have a fairly
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: somber tone to it. Nevertheless, I'm hopeful that it's one
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: of those things that reminds us about what life is
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: all about. Over the last twelve months, we've lost four
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: people who are close to us. We lost my paternal
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: grandmother about a year ago. We lost my nephew in November.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: We lost a very good friend of mine under similar
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: circumstances to that of my nephew just about a month ago,
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: and a couple of weeks back, my grandfather, my maternal grandfather,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: the last of my grandparents, also left this I think
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: the official term for it is this mortal coil. I
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: don't know why they call it a coil, but my
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: grandfather died as well.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: And you look at our kids' lives and just how
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: richly blessed they've been because not only do they have
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: in grandparents. Chanelle's nearly twenty five, and she's.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Had great grandparents all the way through in her life
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: and has facilitated connection. I mean, it's been really, really nice,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: but with the loss of so many people who really
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: do matter to me, that it's been caused for a
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: lot of reflection, and in why I'll Do Better Tomorrow,
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I want to emphasize one core concept, and that is
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: that a good death can only come after a good life.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Get a little bit weepy thinking about it, So terror
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: management theory, I want to get psychological and scientific for
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: a moment, so I don't get too emotional. Terror management
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: theory argues, at least in part, that if you cling
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: to life, which is like, we all live with this
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: existential dread, we all know that we're going to die
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: one day, and most of us just pretend that it's
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: not going to happen. But they argue in this theory
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: that if you cling to life, you don't really live,
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: but if you cling to death, you really do live.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: In other words, the more you maintain a remembrance of
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: your mortality and the fact that you will die, the
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: more likely it is that you will treasure every moment
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: the great paradox you manage the reality that you're going
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: to die well and you'll live fully. Does that make sense?
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it does, it does. But like you said, it's
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: a bit somber, isn't it.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: It kind of is. But I think really at the
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: truxt of what they're saying is in the face of death,
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: you're going to gravitate to your core worldview more fully.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: You're going to focus on living your values out the
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: very best that you can. The more you focus on
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: and reflect on and recognize the terminal nature of life,
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: we're all going to end up six foot under or
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: scattered somewhere in the beautiful ocean or mountaintop or something
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: like that. We don't Oh gosh, I'm going to get
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: a little bit sentimental for a second. We don't count
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: the days. We make the days count. And as I
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: reflect on everything that's occurred in the last twelve months,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: my main I'll do a better tomorrow is just that
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: other people matter. When we remember that we're going to die,
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: we invest more fully in life. And the last year
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: has been a constant reminder that this is what life
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: does to us. It causes us to have these moments
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: and ah, I mean, it's hard, and yet it's through
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: the hard stuff, it's through the adversity and the affliction
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: and the challenge and the difficulty that we live more
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: fully and have much more rich lives.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: I spent the weekend with my sisters recently, and while
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: we were out walking there was a couple of tourists
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: who asked if I could take their photo, and then
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: we continued to have maybe a five to seven minute
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: conversation about what they might do in the area. They
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: only had a few hours, and they were just kind
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: of really interested to make the most of it. And
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: when I finally came back to my sisters, they said,
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: so are they coming for lunch? And they just gave
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: me a little bit of a hard time that wherever
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: I go, I managed to have conversations with people and
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: people gravitate to me. And I've been thinking about that
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: and just I don't think that there is a higher
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: compliment that anyone could give me in that. I just
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: I love being around people, and I love I love
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: hearing their stories, and I love being able to just
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: add whatever little glimmer of light to their life, and
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: that they were able to see that. And just like
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: I said, it was in jest, but there was just
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: this beautiful acknowledgment that people feel safe to come and
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: talk to me, and it just it just added an
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: extra bounce to my step through the day.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: You get to enjoy people, Yeah, putting yourself out there
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: and inviting others in it's so enriching. Other people matter,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: mishappy families. What is yours? I'll do better tomorrow.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: We've talked lots about family meetings on the podcast lately,
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: and they often say that you teach what you need
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: to learn the most. And we've been really, really, really
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: slack over the last little while.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Well, we came back from a holiday and we just
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: never got back into any kind of routine or any
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: sense of functionality. It's been pretty Can I say maladaptive?
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: Can I say dysfunctional? Yeah, it's been pretty rough, hasn't
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: it yet?
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: When I asked the kids at the beginning of the meeting,
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: if they were to raid us out of ten, how
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: our family was functioning.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: You're not supposed to share this part.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: I won't share the scores, but let's say we didn't
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: even reach five. Life has been pretty crazy.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: I think most of the scores were between two and
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: oh no, we had a zero point five zero five. Yeah,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: I'm going down. I wanted to start nicely. It just
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: got worse as we went around the room.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: But this is what I love about family meetings. We
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: were able to sit there as a family. We're talking ten, fourteen,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: and seventeen and.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: She's not seventeen. Don't say it. Yeah, it's coming up,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: it's coming up. But if you tell us she's seventeen,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: she'll take it too far.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: And there was absolute acknowledgment of where we were at,
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: but there was also accountability. And this is what I
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: love about family meetings. There is an acknowledgment that right
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: now our family doesn't feel great. And so as we
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: were able.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: To say, see, we didn't didn't because it's been a
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: good week.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: As we were able to sit in that place, we
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: were able to then highlight what are the things that
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: we do that makes our family feel great. They were
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: the ones that came up with the things. If I
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: had have given them that list, we would have had
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: an absolute riot. They would have said, Nope, not doing it,
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: don't want to do that. But because they recognize those
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: are the key factors that make our family great, it's
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: meant we've had one of the best weeks we've had.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: One of the decisions we made this is huge. One
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: of the decisions we made was that we're not moving
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: our bodies as much as we would like.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Oh, I thought you were going to say that we're
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: getting rid of all of our subscriptions. That was another
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: big decision, but they bought into it. Sorry, I know
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: the moving your body thing is a big deal here,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: but when you sit down with the kids and say,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: what are you noticing, let's get your feedback, and then
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: the conversation organically moves to we've got problems with screens,
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: and then the children, well they didn't suggest it, are
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: receptive to parents saying let's cut off the subscriptions and
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: reduce our screen usage. Like I mean, in what world
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: does that happen? With teenagers?
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: We've always had a rule that we don't have phones
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: in the bedroom, but over time phones have become the
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: alarm clock or you know, they're talking to their friends
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: or whatever, and so from time to time they slip up.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: And again there was just an acknowledgment. I need an
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: alarm clock so that I can put my phone away
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: so it's not in my room at nighttime. And I just,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: like I said, I just love that there's this complete
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: buy in because it's their decision.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: So go back to the whole exercise thing, because this
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: is or the waking up order. I know where you're
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: going now, but I cut you off. Let's go back
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: to that because this is mind boggling.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: So you get up at about quarter to five.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: Issu yep, and you go for a bike ride. Horrible.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: And because of homeschooling, the younger girls haven't really had
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: a wake up time or even a bedtime, so to speak.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: We've just been kind of going through the motions and
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: falling where we fall, which has meant this has been
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: really really challenging. So we sat down and we talked
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: to them about the fact that we're not moving our
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: body as much as we should and how might we
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: change that. And one of the things that I love
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: doing since we've moved to the coast is going for
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: an early morning walk. So a few weeks ago I
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: took Emily with me, but she wore her roller skates.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: She doesn't want to walk with me, but she's really
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: happy to roller skate. So the decision was made that
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Lily would walk the dog, Emily would roller skate, which
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: in turn forces me to walk much faster than I
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: would walk on my own, and that we would do
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: that and I would wake them at five fift We're
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: right in the middle of winter.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Look, this is a ten year old and a fourteen
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: year old. In fairness, it's a Sunshine Coast winter. It's
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: not like we're in Canberra or Melbourne. Still cold is.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: It's still cold and it's still dark. And can I
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: tell you when I woke them up on day one?
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: As soon as the light went on in the hallway
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: and I opened Lily's door, she like her eyes like
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: popped open and she jumped up. This is unheard off.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: It really is.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: This is unheard of.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: But they chose it. This is the thing in the
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: family meeting. They chose it. We didn't force it on them.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: We just said we need to move our bodies. And
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: we brainstormed and worked on solutions until everyone came up
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: with something that they could buy into and get on
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: board with.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: And then when I went into Emily, Emily, this is
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: huge for Emily. I mean ten years of age and
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: we're waking up just before six o'clock. She looked at
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: me and she said, Mummy, I'm still really tired. And
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: I said that's okay. Would you like to sleep in
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: this morning? And she said no, jumped out of bed,
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: found a roller, skates, jumped in the car. The time
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: I did the school drop off nine am, the house
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: is reset because the kids have now got their jobs
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: that they do while I'm gone. We've had family devotion,
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: We've exercised, fed and walked the dog, and our days
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: ready to start boom And what I just I can't
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: emphasize this enough. The buy in that comes from family meetings,
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: when everybody takes accountability for the part they play in
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: how our family feels and functions is life changing.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: Our family Meetings episode was just a couple of weeks ago.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: We'll link to it in the show notes. It's worth
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: scrolling back for and finding working through it now. One
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: quick thing because our family was such a mess. We
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: took several hours to have this one. This was an
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: all day event, and we preempted it by letting the
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: girls know that it was going to be a long
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: one and to buckle in and get ready. We put
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: together meal lists. I mean, we do a lot, but
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: the different across week one. Enthusiasm is still there.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: Emily's had a sleep and a couple of mornings. She
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: hasn't come with us every morning.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: But we're not looking for perfection.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: We're leading ahead of progress because we've all good.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Buy in, great great story, So glad you share that.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Hopefully you've gotten some personal wisdom or at least some
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: ideas to make your family happier and to do better
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: tomorrow as you've listened today, thank you so much for
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: choosing to spend your time with us. We just love
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: that you're here. We love that you want to listen
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: to something that we think will make a big difference
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: in your family. The Happy Families Podcast is produced by
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. We hope you have a wonderful,
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: wonderful weekend. If you would like to know how to
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: make your family happier, check out our Happy Families memberships.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: All the details at happy families dot com dot you.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: There's stuff for you to do with the kids, there's
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: stuff specifically for the kids, and of course there's all
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: the parenting help that you could possibly need. It's all
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: their happy families dot com dot you. On Monday, we're
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: going to talk about Risky Play, what it is, some
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: of benefits it has, The Keys