Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1123 - Leading by Example

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#1123 - Leading by Example · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:04
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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Speaker 2: wants answers Now.
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Speaker 1: Before we start today's conversation about I'll do it tomorrow, Kylie.
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Speaker 1: Next week. I'm so excited. It's three massive guests. I'm
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Speaker 1: speaking with the Yellow Wiggle, Emma Watkins also known as
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Speaker 1: Emma Memmer. She's going to be on the pod on Monday.
0:27
Speaker 1: How exciting. On Tuesday, a guy called Matt Purcell who
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Speaker 1: runs something called Social kung Fu. Social Kung Fu. It's
0:34
Speaker 1: going to be great. But the one that I'm I
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Speaker 1: don't want to say, I'm actually pretty excited about those ones. Well,
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Speaker 1: but on Wednesday, Chanell Kontos teaches consent. Chanell Kontos, the
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Speaker 1: person who has completely turned the conversation around consent intimacy
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Speaker 1: upside down in this country, is going to be joining
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Speaker 1: me for a conversation next week. Oh and next week
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Speaker 1: we're also chatting about homeschool. How that's been going for
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Speaker 1: the last twelve months. Because we're a year in now,
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Speaker 1: I'm feeling a little bit insecure my job.
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Speaker 2: On the line.
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Speaker 1: You're only doing one podcast with something I don't know.
1:04
Speaker 1: You don't like doing interviews so I just did the
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Speaker 1: interviews on my own.
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Speaker 2: I'm sorry, Well, I'm going to show my age here.
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Speaker 2: Did the Yellow Wig will become Emma? It was Greg.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, we haven't watched The Wiggles for a while, I know,
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Speaker 1: but everyone is listening to the podcast knowing it has
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Speaker 1: been a what kylie since you've watched the Wiggles, clearly
1:21
Speaker 1: because Emma Watkins says huge news and she's wonderful and
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Speaker 1: I can't wait to have her on the pod on Monday. Anyway,
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Speaker 1: There's two things that I wanted to mention. That was
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Speaker 1: the first one. Next week's podcast lineup is massive. The
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Speaker 1: second one is this lately on the pod, you and
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Speaker 1: I have had a handful of conversations. Last week was fun.
1:38
Speaker 1: Last week was the best one we've ever had, I reckon,
1:40
Speaker 1: but I am consistently impressed with how just with who
1:45
Speaker 1: you are as a mum and how amazing you are.
1:48
Speaker 1: We're under I'm under a fair bit of pressure at
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Speaker 1: the moment. Work is just a lot all the time,
1:53
Speaker 1: and I've got this book deadline. I promised that I
1:55
Speaker 1: was going to write this book about boys, which is
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Speaker 1: really it's kind of getting me down in some ways.
2:00
Speaker 1: It's a bit bleak. In other ways, it's so exciting,
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Speaker 1: but in some ways it is kind of bleak. And
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Speaker 1: I haven't been at my best around the house a
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Speaker 1: little bit, and you, Kylie, have been just this model
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Speaker 1: of goodness to the kids. Every time there's an emotional meltdown,
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Speaker 1: every time somebody is losing it, every time I'm getting
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Speaker 1: impatient and frustrated, You're the one who comes to the rescue.
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Speaker 1: And I just I know it's a little bit public
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Speaker 1: and it's a podcast, but I just wanted to make
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Speaker 1: you feel a bit embarrassed in front of everyone, really
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Speaker 1: and say how grateful I am that when I'm not
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Speaker 1: at my best, you can be there. It's just it's
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Speaker 1: such a such a gift to our children that you're
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Speaker 1: able to do that, and that I'm able to do
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Speaker 1: it when you're a terror an e menace as well.
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Speaker 1: I was about to say we were a bit of
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Speaker 1: bit tagged anyway. Today is I'll do better tomorrow? Ladies?
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Speaker 1: First today, what's your i'll do better tomorrow? As you've
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Speaker 1: reflected on the week that was and the way things
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Speaker 1: have gone with our children and the ups and downs
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Speaker 1: of family life, how can we be better tomorrow.
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Speaker 2: We've had a jam packed week in our house while
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Speaker 2: you've been really stretched work wise. I volunteer for a
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Speaker 2: youth group and I look after girls age between twelve
3:13
Speaker 2: and seventeen.
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Speaker 1: And there's like thirty of them, have about.
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Speaker 2: Twenty five on the list, that's close enough. And this
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Speaker 2: weekend just gone was our annual young women's camp. And
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Speaker 2: it's a big deal. It's a big deal to take
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Speaker 2: a whole heap of teenagers into the bush, right and
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Speaker 2: to set up a holy p oftense and.
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Speaker 1: Provide food for provide food. I'm willing teens who don't
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Speaker 1: want to do their thing, and I.
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Speaker 2: Think that that's the reality for the majority of them.
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Speaker 2: The idea of leaving behind the comforts of home and
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Speaker 2: heading into the bush firstly is a big deal. It's hot,
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Speaker 2: We've got heaps of mossies and other squealy yucky bugs
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Speaker 2: that we don't want to be playing around with, and.
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Speaker 1: You get bitten by stuff like there's so much stuff
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Speaker 1: that you can get with mine Australia.
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Speaker 2: And the biggest challenge, yeah, is there was zero coverage.
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Speaker 1: No telephone.
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Speaker 2: So I had acknowledged to them that while I couldn't
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Speaker 2: stop them from bringing their phones. I was really highly
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Speaker 2: encouraging them to leave them behind, that this was an
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Speaker 2: opportunity for them to completely disconnect from everything that was
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Speaker 2: going on around them and to spend some time in
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Speaker 2: nature and with the people right in front of them.
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Speaker 2: And I was so proud of them because I know
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Speaker 2: that for a lot of them it was tricky. Did
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Speaker 2: they leave them behind? No, they did not. They definitely
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Speaker 2: did not. But while we were in group time, they
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Speaker 2: were not.
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Speaker 1: Seen, which is a big deal.
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Speaker 2: It it is a really big deal.
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Speaker 1: Most of them should be used to this from school now,
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Speaker 1: but it is still a big deal.
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Speaker 2: But what I loved and this is I guess this
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Speaker 2: is why I'll do better tomorrow when I look at
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Speaker 2: the challenges that we have in family life and specifically
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Speaker 2: with our girls. From time to time, they push against
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Speaker 2: the very thing we know as parents is going to
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Speaker 2: be good for them. So many times we'll be like,
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Speaker 2: all right, it's time to go down to the beach,
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Speaker 2: and we've got a handful of kids who literally will
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Speaker 2: you know, chuck a hissy feet because they can't be bothered.
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Speaker 2: They don't want to go, they don't enjoy being down
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Speaker 2: at the beach, And after a whole heap of coaxing
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Speaker 2: on our part and a whole heap of drama get
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Speaker 2: to get there, We get down there, and then we
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Speaker 2: have the same on the return because they don't want
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Speaker 2: to leave. And this is what I watched as these
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Speaker 2: girls navigated the anxiety of leaving behind everything that they wanted,
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Speaker 2: coming into a new environment, and then navigating all of
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Speaker 2: the challenges that we're associated with that. We did a
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Speaker 2: day trip down the Everglades in canoes. They capsized.
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Speaker 1: This is the Noos Everglades, by the way, not the
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Speaker 1: Florida Alligator.
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Speaker 2: And I was about to say no alligators, no alligators.
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Speaker 2: But it was a big day. It was a huge
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Speaker 2: day for us as adults. Cannoeing down the Everglades. We've
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Speaker 2: got a lot of open water to navigate. We had
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Speaker 2: a headwind. The girl's capsize in front of one of
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Speaker 2: the tourist boats.
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Speaker 1: So two things on this. First of all, trying a
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Speaker 1: canoe into a headwind is just awful. And when a
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Speaker 1: canoe capsizes, it actually fills with water.
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Speaker 2: It feels I didn't really like.
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Speaker 1: That, like it really fills with water.
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Speaker 2: So then you've got the challenge of trying to get
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Speaker 2: the water out before you can get back in.
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Speaker 1: Knock, who's there? Canoe? Canoe open the door. It's cold
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Speaker 1: out here. I'm so sorry. It's not cold in Queensland.
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Speaker 2: I'm not even their parent, and yet I was so
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Speaker 2: proud of them. I was so proud of them. The determination,
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Speaker 2: the positivity, their desire to try new things and to
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Speaker 2: just push through was such such a breath of fresh air.
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Speaker 2: And to watch them come together as a group of
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Speaker 2: girls from all different walks of life and really connect
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Speaker 2: and work hard at something challenging was really inspiring.
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Speaker 1: So what's to take message?
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Speaker 2: The take home messages? Our kids don't know what's good
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Speaker 2: for them.
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Speaker 1: Yes, you're right, Yeah, they don't know what's good for them.
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Speaker 2: And if we, just as parents, need to push through
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Speaker 2: that toddler tantrum, the resistance that they give us, the
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Speaker 2: resistance that they give us when we make a suggestion
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Speaker 2: that we know will benefit them, because every time we've
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Speaker 2: done it, it's exhausting. But every time we've done it,
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Speaker 2: I've watched our girls, and this week I've got to
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Speaker 2: watch other girls just glow from the opportunity to disconnect
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Speaker 2: and be in nature.
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Speaker 1: I love it, especially in the bit where we're saying
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Speaker 1: that sometimes to take home message is that kids have
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Speaker 1: to feel uncomfortable so that they can read the benefits.
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Speaker 1: They can enjoy the goodness that comes from doing the
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Speaker 1: hard thing. That's really where the maximum joy, and I
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Speaker 1: guess resulmence comes from as well.
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Speaker 2: There's so much power in it.
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Speaker 1: Great lily bit, it's marek kylie.
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Speaker 2: What's yours?
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Speaker 1: Oh? A couple of things.
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Speaker 2: First off, you were dadding this weekend.
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Speaker 1: Well you are right with the camp so not babysitting. No, no, no,
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Speaker 1: I was dadding. I was not babysitting and we went
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Speaker 1: over that last week, thanks for that. So heaps of
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Speaker 1: stuff that had to be done on Saturday morning. So
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Speaker 1: I'm trying to juggle kids and do all the stuff
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Speaker 1: that Dad's supposed to do on the weekend and some
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Speaker 1: of the stuff that m'ms supposed to do as well.
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Speaker 1: And while I was doing it all, Emily, our ten
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Speaker 1: year old, came to me and said, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad,
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Speaker 1: can we please go to the movies and watch the
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Speaker 1: Wild Robot? She's been into us for I can't believe
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Speaker 1: this thing is still on at the cinema. It feels
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Speaker 1: like it's been on there for like months, but I said,
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Speaker 1: do you know what Mum's away? I reckon, we do it.
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Speaker 1: Let's let's go. So I jumped online. I had a
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Speaker 1: look at the timing. I thought, yeah, okay, this fits.
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Speaker 1: We can go and see the four thirty session. And
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Speaker 1: then Kylie, I had to look at the cost to
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Speaker 1: go and watch a movie at the cinema. Do you
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Speaker 1: know how much it costs for an adult to go
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Speaker 1: watch a movie? I mean, we don't do this.
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Speaker 2: Right, So about twenty five dollars?
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Speaker 1: How did you know that?
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Speaker 2: That's just how much it costs these days?
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Speaker 1: Twenty five So for the two of us it was
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Speaker 1: going to cost I think it was like forty two bucks,
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Speaker 1: and you're gonna have a couple of treats. It's going
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Speaker 1: to be fifty dollars more to go to the movies.
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Speaker 1: And I mean, I don't know, I don't know what
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Speaker 1: it costs to run a cinema. So I'm not slagging
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Speaker 1: off the cinema companies. I'm just saying that's more cash
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Speaker 1: than I was willing to throw at the Wild Robot.
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Speaker 2: So what did you do?
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Speaker 1: I jumped online and we downloaded and watched it as
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Speaker 1: a rental for like half the price. It was twenty
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Speaker 1: two bucks or twenty five bucks or something to rent it.
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Speaker 1: And we got to sit on the couch in the
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Speaker 1: air conditioning, didn't have to get in the car, didn't
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Speaker 1: have to fight the traffic, didn't have to put up
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Speaker 1: with people in the cinema. It was just me and
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Speaker 1: them on the couch and we watched The Wild Robot?
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Speaker 2: Who do you throw popcorn?
9:43
Speaker 1: At? This out? And forgot to cook the popcorn though,
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Speaker 1: way oh, now I feel like I suddenly had a failure.
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Speaker 1: I felt like I was winning it. I spend the money,
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Speaker 1: I spent the time. We sat down. We watched The
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Speaker 1: Wild Robot.
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Speaker 2: How did you like it?
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Speaker 1: It's a movie about a gosling, a robot, and a fox.
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Speaker 1: At the forty minute mark, you start to get the
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Speaker 1: sense that the robot is becoming a essentially becoming a human.
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Speaker 1: It's anthropomorphized, and all of a sudden, my heart started
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Speaker 1: to wait for this robot because it's really a story
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Speaker 1: about motherhood and raising a child and letting go. And
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Speaker 1: about halfway through I was wiping tears away from my
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Speaker 1: eyes and I thought it was beautiful. I'm only going
10:18
Speaker 1: to give it a three and a half because it
10:19
Speaker 1: was about a robot of Gosling and a fox. But
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Speaker 1: it was actually really nice. It was really really nice. Hey,
10:26
Speaker 1: I'm trying, all right, try well.
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Speaker 2: With that review.
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Speaker 1: I'm dying to watch it. Well, you can't watch it
10:31
Speaker 1: now because the rental that I paid twenty five bucks
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Speaker 1: for is only forty eight hours.
10:35
Speaker 2: Well you have to pay Forredy King.
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Speaker 1: No, I might as well have gone to the movies anyway.
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Speaker 1: The movie finished and I texted our eldest daughter, Chanell,
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Speaker 1: her husband Jared, and their baby Indian. Said let's go
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Speaker 1: to the beach for a swim. And Emily didn't want
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Speaker 1: to do it, and he didn't want to do it.
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Speaker 1: I got really cranky. I got cranky at our seventeen
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Speaker 1: year old. It's non participant in life. Want to sit
10:56
Speaker 1: on your bed, complain that you're not feeling good, but
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Speaker 1: you won't go outside, you won't move your body. I
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Speaker 1: got really cranky. I said last chance, and she didn't move,
11:03
Speaker 1: so I said, fine, going on my own, So I
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Speaker 1: took Emily. We went down to the beach, had the
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Speaker 1: best time ever, and about I don't know, five minutes
11:09
Speaker 1: into the swim, guess who shows up? The seventeen year old.
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Speaker 1: I don't think I did it right. I got cranky,
11:16
Speaker 1: I was really frustrated with her, and I let her
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Speaker 1: know a no on certain terms that I was frustrated.
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Speaker 1: And yet she got out of bed and she came
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Speaker 1: down and swam in the water with us for like
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Speaker 1: an hour, hour and a half. And when we got home,
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Speaker 1: she highlighted she knew she needed it, and she was
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Speaker 1: glad that she did it. And there's this tension again
11:35
Speaker 1: going back to you with your camp on. I mean,
11:37
Speaker 1: we didn't set this up. But my older bit of
11:39
Speaker 1: tomorrow is how do you get to the point where
11:42
Speaker 1: without getting cranky at the kids, without making them feel lousy,
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Speaker 1: without beating up on them, whether it's verbally or psychologically
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Speaker 1: or anything other way at all, because none of that's appropriate,
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Speaker 1: But how do you get the message through that if
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Speaker 1: you get out of bed, put the screen down, get
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Speaker 1: outside and do the hard thing, it's going to be
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Speaker 1: worth it. You're going to be glad you did it.
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Speaker 1: Because she was so glad. She was so glad, and
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Speaker 1: we had the most beautiful Saturday afternoon. It was absolutely gorgeous,
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Speaker 1: just wonderful.
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Speaker 2: I think that as parents we actually have to be
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Speaker 2: the example. We have to set up our lives so
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Speaker 2: that we're doing those things. We can't give the kids
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Speaker 2: a hard time from not getting out if all they
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Speaker 2: see is that we're stuck in the office in front
12:20
Speaker 2: of a screen all the time. We have to be
12:22
Speaker 2: prioritizing those things firstly, and secondly, we actually just have
12:27
Speaker 2: to keep inviting. We have to, and sooner or later
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Speaker 2: somewhere down the line, if you're continually making bids for
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Speaker 2: connection and acknowledging and accepting their bids when they come,
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Speaker 2: then it will happen.
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Speaker 1: But if you're going to invite, you've also got to
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Speaker 1: create the opportunities. Yeah, and that's in fact, I'm writing
12:47
Speaker 1: some stuff at the moment. Something that I just wrote
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Speaker 1: in the last sort of twenty minutes or so just
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Speaker 1: before we started recording the podcast, was this. The best
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Speaker 1: way to guide your child is to lead by example.
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Speaker 1: If you want to be kind, generous, and patient, you
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Speaker 1: must first embody those qualities yourself. Children don't from what
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Speaker 1: you say as much as from what you do. Take
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Speaker 1: care of your own mental, physical, and emotional health so
13:04
Speaker 1: that you can show up fully for them. So by
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Speaker 1: me making sure that I'm going to the beach and
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Speaker 1: doing that, and as you said, extending the invitation. I
13:13
Speaker 1: don't know. Sometimes I just think there's got to be
13:14
Speaker 1: a bit of tough love, a bit of a stern voice,
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Speaker 1: because if they won't move it and then they're glad
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Speaker 1: that they did because they got that stern talking to
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Speaker 1: Maybe sometimes that's worth it.
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Speaker 2: I don't know.
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Speaker 1: Am I sounding a bit like a grumpy old guy.
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Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes you've just got to say, guys, do it.
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Speaker 1: You'll be glad you did it. Let's go. I think
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Speaker 1: sometimes kids.
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Speaker 2: Need but you don't have to do that grumpy. No,
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Speaker 2: that's true, but you don't have to be grumpy about it.
13:35
Speaker 1: But you do have to be strict about it.
13:36
Speaker 2: But you can be firm.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, firm, that's what I'm looking for. So that's to
13:40
Speaker 1: take our message. Be firm because as a parent, you
13:43
Speaker 1: do know what's best for your kids. That's what I
13:44
Speaker 1: got out of yours and that's what I got out
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Speaker 1: of mind as well. Spend time, extend the invitation, create
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Speaker 1: the opportunity, but be firm when you need to be firm.
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Speaker 1: But please not Also, I didn't force her. I didn't
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Speaker 1: make her come along. She came along later with her
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Speaker 1: big sister. They came in. I don't know if that's
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Speaker 1: inspiring or not. That's my older better tomorrow, that's our
14:04
Speaker 1: odd better tomorrow.
14:06
Speaker 2: Hang in there. Just to hang in.
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Speaker 1: We really hope you have a great weekend. The Happy
14:10
Speaker 1: Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media
14:13
Speaker 1: and if you want to learn more about being happy,
14:14
Speaker 1: you can find us at happy families dot com dot you,
14:16
Speaker 1: or on social media Facebook and Instagram. Doctor Justin Corson's
14:20
Speaker 1: Happy Families