Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 88. Considering separation? Let’s talk about the choice you’re already making

Transcript

88. Considering separation? Let’s talk about the choice you’re already making · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of the Post Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, principal coach at Danielle Black Coaching, Danielle Black.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you're listening to this episode because you are considering separation, please stay with me.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is not going to be a you'll know when you know type conversation.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to be vague, there's not going to be any gentle platitudes, nothing about trusting the process.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm also not going to be pressuring you to leave.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: But this episode is going to be honest and a bit blunt.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you are contemplating separation there is something really important that I want you to hear.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not deciding is still a decision.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not having the conversation with your partner is a decision.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not exploring your options is a decision.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Staying exactly where you are, leaving things exactly as things are, is a decision.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you let 2026 pass the same way that 2025 did, that will not be because nothing changed.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Rather it will be because you chose the status quo.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's a lot, I know that that might be hard to hear.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I work with so many parents who say to me I just feel stuck.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can't decide.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to do.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to gently but firmly challenge that framing.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because most people who are quote stuck aren't really undecided.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: On some level, they're already actively making choices.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: They've chosen not to rock the boat, not to escalate things, not to face the unknown, the uncertainty, not to risk financial, emotional or legal uncertainty.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: They've chosen to stay with what they know, with what's familiar.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be really clear here that if that's you, that does not mean that you're weak, does not mean that there's anything wrong with you whatsoever.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that you're human.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Our brains are wired for survival.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system is not on the lookout for joy, authenticity.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's scanning for safety.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Survival.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And to our brains, certainty and familiarity feels like safety.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: So even if your relationship has become unhappy, disconnected, controlling, lonely, emotionally painful, unsafe in other ways, if it's even remotely familiar, your nervous system often experiences it as being a lot safer than the alternatives.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is why people stay in relationships that feel awful.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because while it might be shit, it's predictable shit, it's familiar shit.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know how the arguments go, you know what the triggers are, you know when the tension might rise, you know what moods to manage and how to manage them.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your body knows the rhythm of the dysfunction.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: From a purely neurological and neurobiological perspective, that familiarity and certainty can feel so much safer than the uncertainty of separation.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: A new routine, new finances, parenting arrangements, the legal system, uncertainty about how your partner and co-parent may respond or rather react to you ending the relationship.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: So when you tell yourself that you're not just ready yet or that you need time, what's often really happening is that your nervous system is choosing predictable discomfort over uncertain change.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the part that I really want you to hear.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you keep coming back to the question of separation, if it keeps coming up for you over and over again, it's not because you're bad at deciding.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: It can often be because there's a part of you that feels really betrayed by the choice that you've made to stay.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: A part of you that knows the cost of maintaining the status quo.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: A part of you that's actually really exhausted by managing, minimizing, adapting, and coping.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: A part of you that wants relief, truth, and freedom.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: A part of you that knows that what's going on is really fucking unhealthy for you and your kids.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if your brain keeps revisiting the issue, it's not because you haven't really decided.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's because another part of you is saying this is not okay.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is not the life that I want for myself or my kids.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And the internal tug of war is not a sign that you're failing, but it's a sign that your internal alarm system is still working.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to ask you something and I want you to answer it honestly, even if just for yourself.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: What did you hope would change last year in 2025?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: What did you tell yourself might be different?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Did you tell yourself that things would be okay if they just calmed down?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe if the work stress eased, maybe as the kids got older, maybe if the counseling worked?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe if you just handled things better.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't push buttons as often.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: But now ask yourself this What actually changed?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: One of the hardest truths that I see in my work is that people don't usually regret leaving too early, they regret staying too long.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I work with clients in their seventies.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you heard that correctly.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Some of my clients are older than seventy.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And for all of the clients that I work with in every decade of their life, the most common thing that I hear is Danielle, I wish I had left sooner.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: They regret the years spent explaining away bad behavior, abuse.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: They regret the toll on their nervous system.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: They regret the impact to their children.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, that's one of the biggest ones.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: What your children are experiencing, the unhealthy dynamic that they're exposed to, that is impacting their development, it's impacting their personality, it's impacting what is going to be normalized for them in relationships, whether that be their own behavior, the way that they behave within a relationship, or what they think is appropriate for them to tolerate within a relationship.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Those regrets are real.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Clients I work with also regret how small they had to make themselves to keep the peace.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: All of those regrets, they ultimately end up being so much heavier than the fear of leaving.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: So let's be clear.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that you should rush out and end your relationship tomorrow.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: The work that we do with clients here at Danielle Black Coaching is not about impulsive decisions.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about blowing up your life, it's not about just being brave.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, what I'm saying in this episode is staying in an unhealthy relationship without clarity is not neutral.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting around without having a plan is not protective.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Avoiding the conversation with yourself does have consequences.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: The alternative to waiting and hoping is not acting rashly and panicking.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's getting informed, it's building clarity, it's understanding your situation properly.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's learning what healthy and unsafe dynamics actually look like.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's exploring your options before you're forced into them, potentially.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have kids, this matters even more.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Children don't need perfection.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need two happy parents at all costs.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need two parents at all costs.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: What they do need is emotional safety, predictability, at least one regulated adult, and a home environment that isn't quietly eroding them.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids would rather be from a broken home than be living in a broken home.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Children are incredibly attuned to chronic tension, fear, emotional withdrawal, and instability, even if no one's yelling and even if everything looks fine from the outside.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: So please don't be thinking that your kids don't know what's going on.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they're not consciously aware, they absolutely feel that something is not right.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most powerful things that a parent can do is to model we do not stay indefinitely in situations that harm us.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just think about the impact on your kids from leaving a relationship.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: You also need to be thinking about the impact on your children of staying in a relationship.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're contemplating separation, I want you to hear this.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to decide everything today.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: But you do need to stop pretending that doing nothing is neutral.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Curiosity about your options is not a betrayal.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Finding out information is not an escalation.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself and your children does not make you selfish.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, it makes you responsible.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: At Danielle Black Coaching, we currently have a group experience.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be it's going to be kicking off in late February.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a four-week small group coaching experience for Australian women who are contemplating separation.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's facilitated by me, Danielle Black.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's for thoughtful women, thoughtful mothers who are trying to understand whether separation is the right next step.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's for women who do not want to make impulsive decisions, but who recognize that something in their relationship is deeply not working.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's for women wanting clarity, steadiness, strategy, and professional support as they think things through.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: If this sounds like something that you might be interested in, please do head to the website danielblackcoaching.com.au.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can find more information about this and other group experiences by going to the services drop-down menu in the main navigation and clicking on group events.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to have more podcast episodes about separation as 2026 unfolds along with lots more content.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: But for now, for those who are contemplating separation, if this episode has stirred something for you, please don't sit alone with it.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you choose to join me in the small group experience, or whether you'd like to connect with me or with either Trudy or Bridget who work alongside me, or perhaps with the post-separation parenting blueprint, you can do that by heading to the website.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: My team and I work with parents every day who are contemplating separation, along with those who are already well and truly down the path of separation, including those in the court system, even those who are beyond and navigating co-parenting with final orders, and also those who are navigating post-separation parenting without parenting orders.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that is a thing that is actually most separated parents in this country do not end up in the court system, do not have parenting orders.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Our senior coach Bridget Morgan specializes in that particular area when you are parenting after separation without orders.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: So to wrap up, 2026 does not need to be another year of predictable shit.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: It can be the year that you choose clarity, that you choose support, that you choose to step more fully into being a leader for yourself, for your children, for creating that solid foundation that you deserve and need.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we're here to help.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here with me today.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'll look forward to chatting with you again soon.