Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #932 There's No Swift Fix to Taylor FOMO

Transcript

#932 There's No Swift Fix to Taylor FOMO · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers. Now, I see not a bit.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Like I am losing my mind over the fact that
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  Speaker 1: you're of ninety.
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  Speaker 2: Six thousand people here today, because it's true.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I this is the biggest show that we have done
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  Speaker 1: on this tour or any tour. The biggest news story
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  Speaker 1: across Australia in the last week, without question, has been
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: nothing to do with Queensland Council elections or government policy
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  Speaker 1: or Anthony Albanezi or Donald Trump. Has barely even made
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  Speaker 1: the news. You know what has been the number one
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  Speaker 1: news story for the last week everywhere you look, Walter
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  Speaker 1: Wall coverage of It's been eight long months since Taylor's
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  Speaker 1: We've revealed she was bringing her record breaking tour here
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  Speaker 1: to Melbourne, sparking a frenzy that's engulfed the city all week.
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  Speaker 3: Taylor Swift.
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  Speaker 1: Can't get enough of Taylor Swift.
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  Speaker 3: You can't get enough.
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  Speaker 1: Now I'm saying, well, the country can't get enough Taylor Swift.
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  Speaker 1: I had had enough of her several years ago.
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  Speaker 2: I heard you say you can't get enough Taylor Swift.
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  Speaker 1: Let's just Jay, Can we rewind that cannot get enough
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  Speaker 1: of Taylor Swift. Okay, that's what I said. So our kids, well,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: actually they've been okay ish. But I did check in
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  Speaker 1: with our daughter, Lily, fourteen years old, and I said
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  Speaker 1: to her, Hey, how are you feeling about not being
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  Speaker 1: at Taylor Swift because so many of your friends did
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  Speaker 1: get tickets? You know how?
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  Speaker 3: She responded, I'm going to guess you probably burst into tears.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Here's the audio. It looks like your eyes are leaking, kiddo.
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  Speaker 2: The silly chance get tickets.
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  Speaker 1: There's still a chance. So I think a bit abackstory
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  Speaker 1: is necessary here. Our daughter's spent a full four days
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  Speaker 1: or more, like as soon as Taylor Swift tickets came
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  Speaker 1: on sale back in June last year. They had my
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  Speaker 1: credit card. I reluctantly handed it over because I'm thinking,
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  Speaker 1: I'm not just buying concert tickets. Right. We live in
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  Speaker 1: Queensland where she's playing Melbourne and Sydney, and I'm thinking, well.
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  Speaker 3: You're not just buying tickets for them.
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  Speaker 2: It means that you have to buy tickets for an
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  Speaker 2: adult who's going to supervise them on the travel.
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  Speaker 1: That's right, probably two adults, Like I'm not going to
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  Speaker 1: let you go with the kids and not be part
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  Speaker 1: of it. I've got to I don't even like Taylor Swift,
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  Speaker 1: but I've got to be part of the whole. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: I don't dislike her either, I'm just not that into it.
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  Speaker 1: But if the family is doing it, the family is
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  Speaker 1: doing it. I'm thinking, Okay, so that's four tickets, and
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  Speaker 1: I want decent tickets, because when you get the seats
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  Speaker 1: that are right up the back, what's the point of
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  Speaker 1: even being there. I'm thinking thousands of dollars that we
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  Speaker 1: don't have on a concert that I'm not even enthusiastic
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  Speaker 1: about going to. But then we've got the airfares, and
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  Speaker 1: you've got the hotel rooms, and you've got the car
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  Speaker 1: rental or the ubers. You've got the restaurants or the
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  Speaker 1: cafes or whatever you're going to eat, Like, this is
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  Speaker 1: an insanely expensive thing. So I very reluctantly handed the
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  Speaker 1: credit card.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm going to throw you under the bus just
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  Speaker 2: a little bit lucky.
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  Speaker 1: Come on.
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  Speaker 2: Paul McCartney came to Australia just a little while ago.
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  Speaker 1: A living legend, a beetle and a beetle.
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  Speaker 2: And when you had to look at his travel schedule.
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  Speaker 2: We missed the concert in Brisbane, yep. And the next
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  Speaker 2: concert that we could attend was was it in Bali?
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  Speaker 1: No, it was Mexico, Mexico.
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  Speaker 2: You actually started thinking about how we might make.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: That trip for twelve seconds. Twelve come on, we had a.
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  Speaker 2: Conversation about whether or not I would get on a
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  Speaker 2: plane with you to go to Mexico so that we
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  Speaker 2: could see.
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  Speaker 1: Paul McCartney spanol.
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  Speaker 2: Let's just put this into perspective.
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  Speaker 1: No Intendo at all now. So anyway, I gave them
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  Speaker 1: the credit card and I said yes, even though I
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  Speaker 1: didn't know how we were really going to be able
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  Speaker 1: to the credit cut off, and I wasn't enthusiastic, but
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  Speaker 1: I my heart broke. I watched them press refresh and
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  Speaker 1: get onto iPads and laptops and every computer screen that
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  Speaker 1: we could possibly find so that they could try. And
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  Speaker 1: while they were trying and trying and trying and trying
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  Speaker 1: to get on.
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  Speaker 2: We were getting messages left, right and center from family friends,
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  Speaker 2: other people that we knew of distance acquaintances who had
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  Speaker 2: got tickets.
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  Speaker 1: Not only that, but some of them got in a
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  Speaker 1: second time and even a third time and got tickets
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  Speaker 1: for extras. Somebody did actually offer us some tickets that
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  Speaker 1: they got surplus because they got in a couple of times,
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  Speaker 1: but it wasn't enough tickets, and it wasn't quite It
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  Speaker 1: didn't work for us, and we had to reluctantly and
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  Speaker 1: very sadly say no. But it just felt like it
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  Speaker 1: was so unjust. And I know, I just made a
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  Speaker 1: big deal about Paul McCartney living Beetles, seeing him in concert,
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  Speaker 1: very very big deal. But I think Taylor Swift might
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  Speaker 1: be the biggest music artist ever to walk the planet.
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  Speaker 1: Only she's got to be bigger than pretty much anybody
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  Speaker 1: ever the last twenty thirty, forty fifty years. She's got
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  Speaker 1: to be out there with the greats. And I remember
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  Speaker 1: I remember the thrill as a teenager of knowing that
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  Speaker 1: I'd scored tickets to go and see Guns N' Roses
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  Speaker 1: at Eastern Creek in the early nineties, or Leny Kravitz
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  Speaker 1: at the Sydney Entertainment Center or Princes same venue, or
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  Speaker 1: Henry Rowlands at the Harden. Most people might not know
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  Speaker 1: who Henry Rowlands was, but I was stoked to get
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  Speaker 1: tickets to go and see Henry Rowlands or whatever, rather
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  Speaker 1: superstar was coming to Australia. Being there as well, being
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  Speaker 1: there was unbelievable, regardless of the quality of the seats.
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  Speaker 1: And so now Taylor Swift is here, we've got wall
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  Speaker 1: to wall coverage and that means that right now actually
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  Speaker 1: sucks for millions of teens who were reliving the disappointment
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  Speaker 1: all over again. It's a really hard time for them.
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  Speaker 1: On Monday, I was asked to appear on The Today
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  Speaker 1: Show to talk about what we're supposed to do to
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  Speaker 1: help our kids if they're experiencing FOMO. They're seeing the instagrams,
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  Speaker 1: they're seeing the photos, they're seeing the social media uploads,
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  Speaker 1: they're hearing the news stories, and they're sitting in the
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  Speaker 1: living room going I'm not there. I've missed this monumental
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  Speaker 1: and it really is for them, this monumental event, and
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  Speaker 1: my heart breaks.
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  Speaker 2: And yet I can just see so many parents around
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  Speaker 2: the country's eyes rolling, going come on, really, it's just.
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  Speaker 1: I think that we should share, just briefly, five ideas
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  Speaker 1: that can help if your kids are struggling right now
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  Speaker 1: with a little bit of Taylor Swift envy, because maybe
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  Speaker 1: their friends got to go and they didn't, or maybe
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  Speaker 1: they're just watching what's happening, but not actually being able
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  Speaker 1: to be a part of it. Five ideas that can
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  Speaker 1: really help. Can I dive in? Here we go? The
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  Speaker 1: first idea is just have soft eyes. Have soft eyes,
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  Speaker 1: don't roll your eyes, don't have fast moving, rapidly eye
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  Speaker 1: rolling eyes. Just have soft eyes. You can't have soft
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  Speaker 1: eyes and be unkind to somebody. Have you noticed that?
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  Speaker 1: Have you ever like, as you listen to this conversation
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  Speaker 1: right now, try to make your eyes really hard, but
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  Speaker 1: think loving thoughts about somebody, Think kindness while you've got
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  Speaker 1: hard eyes, Like, you can't do it. It's impossible. Similarly,
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  Speaker 1: it's impossible to have really soft eyes and think horrible thoughts.
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  Speaker 1: You just can't do it. It doesn't work.
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  Speaker 2: What I love about this concept, it's such an important
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  Speaker 2: concept and building a relationship of love and trust with
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  Speaker 2: our kids, with anyone in general, because if my eyes
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  Speaker 2: are soft, it has the capacity to soften our children's hearts.
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  Speaker 2: Their hearts are softened towards us because they have a
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  Speaker 2: sense through our eyes, through soft eyes, that we actually understand, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: what they're experiencing, and that it's important to them.
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  Speaker 1: There's that compassion. Colm in passion colm is a prefix
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  Speaker 1: forwards like community and common, communicate, combine, compact, compliment. In
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  Speaker 1: other words, all of these words are about bringing things
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  Speaker 1: together and passion. Historically, passion doesn't mean what everyone thinks.
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  Speaker 1: It means, like Anthony Robin's getting excited about something. Passion
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  Speaker 1: means to suffer, So compassion literally means to suffer with.
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  Speaker 1: If your child's suffering right now, have much you think
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  Speaker 1: it's silly, just meet them where they are. Soft eyes
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  Speaker 1: means soft words means soft touch means soft hearts. You
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  Speaker 1: can't have soft eyes and be dispassionate or unkind. So
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  Speaker 1: soft eyes is my number one idea. My second idea,
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  Speaker 1: give them the fantasy. Give them the fantasy even though
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  Speaker 1: they can't have it in reality.
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  Speaker 2: So the way you do that, it would be so awesome.
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  Speaker 2: If we could go to Taylor's with right now.
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  Speaker 1: That's exactly how you do it.
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  Speaker 3: What would we do when we get there? What would
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  Speaker 3: we wear? What song would you like it to sing? First?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, just play with it, Just play with it. Don't
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  Speaker 1: you wish you were there? Don't you just wish? It's
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  Speaker 1: offering empathy, but it's also emphasizing reality. It's validating and
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  Speaker 1: it's soft, but it's not patronizing. Third idea. Third idea
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  Speaker 1: is listen. Just listen for reasons that are so hard
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  Speaker 1: for us to understand as adults. Your child is experiencing
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  Speaker 1: a form of mourning right now, and that fear of
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  Speaker 1: missing out or the actual reality of missing out, genuinely
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  Speaker 1: creates its own kind of grief. Like there's the social loss,
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  Speaker 1: but there's also the experiential loss. Just be there for them,
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  Speaker 1: Just listen. Number four, don't minimize it. You said it before, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: it's just the concert. You might think that reminding your
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  Speaker 1: kids that spending twenty five hundred bucks to see a
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  Speaker 1: show that you need binoculars for and that you're not
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  Speaker 1: going to be able to hear the music properly anyway,
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  Speaker 1: is going to make them feel better. But it won't
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  Speaker 1: Telling them that the music sounds better at home on
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  Speaker 1: the TV or on Spotify.
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  Speaker 2: Does on your ubute stereo system.
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  Speaker 1: They don't look at it and go, oh, that's so true.
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  Speaker 1: Don't minimize it.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe you have your own tailor swift concert in the
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  Speaker 2: lound room.
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  Speaker 1: Well, you know what I reckon, there's something to that
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  Speaker 1: you can buy ears. I mean, she's already made a bajillion,
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  Speaker 1: literally a bajillion dollars off this thing. But you can
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  Speaker 1: buy it on your smart TV and just spend the
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  Speaker 1: money compared to what you would have spent. Just spend
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  Speaker 1: the money and let them play that concert NonStop for
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  Speaker 1: the next week or so. It will be the closest
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  Speaker 1: thing that they can get to it. And it's showing
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  Speaker 1: that you're not minimizing it. It's showing that you're willing
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  Speaker 1: to meet them halfway, You're willing to make the effort.
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  Speaker 1: I just think there's something in that. And the last
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  Speaker 1: idea that I've got I can't help it. I have
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  Speaker 1: to do it. Shake it off, Shake it off, shake
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  Speaker 1: it off. What I mean by that is let them mourn,
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  Speaker 1: and mourn with them, but then move on.
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  Speaker 2: What I love about each of these steps, though, is
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  Speaker 2: what it actually does is it allows them to process
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  Speaker 2: their grief, their disappointment, their heartache around whatever it is
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  Speaker 2: we're talking at Taylor Swift today, but this obviously works
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  Speaker 2: with any area where they feel a level of disappointment
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  Speaker 2: or grief around missing out on different things within their
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  Speaker 2: social groups. As we show them a level of compassion
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  Speaker 2: with our soft eyes, with our gentle touch and you know,
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  Speaker 2: kind of allowing them to share what they're feeling and
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  Speaker 2: we listen. It actually gives them the space needed.
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  Speaker 3: To process it. When we are hard, when.
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  Speaker 2: We come in with kind of just get over it,
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  Speaker 2: it's just a concept. When we have little compassion or
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  Speaker 2: understanding for what they're experiencing, what we actually do is
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  Speaker 2: keep them stuck in that space, in that emotion, and
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  Speaker 2: what could be over within a matter of days goes
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  Speaker 2: on for weeks.
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  Speaker 1: Well, it could have me decades. I remember when you
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: would not let me go to Taylor Swift and they're
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: like forty years old, and they're criticizing you as a
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  Speaker 1: grand peace and that's why they're going to send their
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: kids to all the best concerts like this can go
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  Speaker 1: for such a long long time. Morning means being allowed
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  Speaker 1: to be sad. Moving on means finding the people and
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  Speaker 1: the activities that are going to give you the strength
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  Speaker 1: and confidence to believe that life is still rich even
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: when you don't get exactly what you want. In fact,
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: can I get deeply philosophical for about fifteen seconds. Not
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: getting what you want is what makes life precisely that rich,
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  Speaker 1: because you can't appreciate how good. The good really is
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  Speaker 1: unless you've experienced the bad. There has to be that
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  Speaker 1: opposition so that you can appreciate what you've got.
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  Speaker 2: And I guess the last thing I would share, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: is helping our kids to celebrate their friends' experiences. Oh yeah,
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  Speaker 2: this is really hard, especially when you wanted to be
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  Speaker 2: a part of it.
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  Speaker 3: But there is so much power in being able.
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  Speaker 2: To take perspective of somebody else's experience and in some
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  Speaker 2: ways share the joy of that experience vicariously. It doesn't
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: mean that you're not going to be upset that you
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  Speaker 2: didn't get to go, but it does allow you to
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  Speaker 2: have a sense of joy in that experience.
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  Speaker 3: For the people who did go, for your.
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  Speaker 2: Friends who have had that experience, and share the joy
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  Speaker 2: of that.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, for everyone who didn't get tickets, it could feel
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  Speaker 1: like a cruel summer.
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  Speaker 3: Oh you're good.
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  Speaker 1: I worked that one in, didn't I.
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  Speaker 2: The thing that I loved about Miss fourteen Lily was
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  Speaker 2: she was so devastated that she couldn't go. She had
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: been making friendship bracelets for months in preparation, I know,
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  Speaker 2: and one of her friends was getting ready to fly
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  Speaker 2: out the next day and she said to her, I've
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: got a whole heap of friendship bracelets.
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  Speaker 3: Would you like to take them?
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  Speaker 2: Because I can't do anything with them now I'm.
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  Speaker 3: Getting them Peary.
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  Speaker 2: I just loved that she was able to share the
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  Speaker 2: joy that she had in preparing something that she can't
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  Speaker 2: use and give it to somebody else who hadn't had
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: the chance to do that, and she was so excited.
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  Speaker 2: This wasn't even a particularly close friend to her, but
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: she recognized the joy that she would be able to
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  Speaker 2: experience through the exchange of these friendship bracelets.
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  Speaker 1: And maybe they'll be closer friends as a result. Just
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  Speaker 1: a general reminder as well for everyone whose kids were
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: lucky enough to score tickets, help them to share their
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  Speaker 1: joy and sensitive and considerate ways they should be allowed
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  Speaker 1: to celebrate, but it's always better when they can do
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: it nicely. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: ruland Craig Bruce, our executive producer. The Happy Family's Podcast
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: is back tomorrow. We'll talk to you there.