Latest / Harder Than Life / What Secretly Attracts Men Has Nothing to Do With Looks | Dating Advice

Transcript

What Secretly Attracts Men Has Nothing to Do With Looks | Dating Advice · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved us a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on lowes.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.
• 0:30
  What is going on, Heart of the Life Nation? It's Kelly Siegel, back from my favorite Thursday episodes. You and me talking about a topic. Today's topic is for both you ladies and gentlemen. I must say, I am, as you guys know, if you're listening to these episodes, which you are, because the show is growing, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. These Thursday episodes are very hard for me because I,
• 0:59
  Really have to expose who I am, what I'm working on, and show the authenticity so I can attract the right people and really help each and every one of you. That's what these shows are for. So I am healing so I can look back and tell you all the mistakes I made.
• 1:19
  And hopefully you learn from my mistakes. Wise people learn from other people's mistakes. Smart people learn from their own mistakes. Learn from my mistakes. I've made them all. In addition to healing shame and fear that I didn't know I had, and it came up in the IFS therapy, which if you're listening to these in succession, I broke it down in one of the last episodes, is I am surrendering and allowing, and I'm getting out of my own way in my business and the podcast.
• 1:46
  I led with fear and shame, fear that I'm not good enough.
• 1:51
  and shaming that you guys would know I'm a fraud, but I'm not. That's the funny thing about these thoughts is, thoughts are magical lies. I say all of this to say that I got, as the show is growing, it's no coincidence that I've kept my nose out of it. I just get behind the camera and tell you my true life experiences and all the work that I've done to mess those experiences up as well as get through them. So having said that,
• 2:17
  Producers sent me a topic today that I've been wanting to record for a very long time, and it's going to be controversial. It is what men actually find attractive, and women won't accept it. And this is for you men. Men don't shut this off and be like, oh, this is...
• 2:37
  the green flag episode. And then for some of you ladies who are new to the show are gonna realize that this is just a wake up call. I'm calling you up, not calling you out. Let's talk about what us men finally, really do find attractive in this social media. Hey, look at me, I call them lamb world. Lamb, L-A-M-B, look at me, you guessed it.
• 3:07
  Stay with me ladies, because I'm going to help you. I'm telling you. I'm going to tell you what we all like. Beauty is an embodiment throughout your heart, your body, your soul. It is not a look. The filter, the makeup, the performance, it's selling the opposite.
• 3:25
  of what healed men are drawn to. Yes, I said that. What the guy that you actually want to attract has done the work on, the things that you're doing are actually working against you. And if you can't hear that without getting defensive, that's the signal you need to hear it most. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. If you feel visceral about what I'm saying or anybody says to you,
• 3:54
  It's probably the truth and it landed. So if you're like, what is he talking about? Makeups, filter, performance, listen. And gentlemen, you listen too because I'm going to teach you all the mistakes I made that attracted the wrong women. So natural says they've healed and that's attractive to healed men. So fellas, if she's posting and it's all about looks,
• 4:24
  Bro, I know that they're beautiful. I know that they're fun until they're not. Run, bro. Run. And this is the law of supply and demand. Keep in mind that if we don't respond to these things, they'll stop doing it. I'm about to say something that's going to piss some people off, including probably a woman I love.
• 4:46
  I'm saying it anyway because it's true and because the people who need to hear it are quietly drowning in a lie that they didn't know. They bought scrolling social media like I just said, the filters, the makeup, the full faces to run errands, women training themselves to reform beauty instead of embodying it. It's the, the aforementioned pictures of their busty chest. I just can't tell you enough on how beauty is the embodiment
• 5:15
  and an energy, it's not a look. And most men, the healed ones, I already know this, the unhealed ones are still chasing the filter because they're still running one themselves. I know this firsthand, people. I've been there, done that. And I wondered why I had so much drama in my life. Remember, Biggie Small said it, I don't chase him, I replace him. If you fellas embody and put out
• 5:40
  that you're authentic, you're genuine, and you have standards and boundaries, you will attract women that do that. And they do exist. I'm gonna dig deeper into me saying that. I've had three eras in my life. I literally chased, had to be the hottest woman on earth. It didn't matter if they were smart, it didn't matter what they did for work,
• 6:02
  I would chase and chase and chase, and I would wonder why I had so much drama in my life. I wasn't a victim of these shallow women. I was a shallow man finding his match. I've told you guys a thousand times, like attracts like. And I was chasing validation, and validation looked to me of having a hot dime piece on my arm. And needless to say,
• 6:27
  chaos drama a lot of fun i did a lot of fun happened but man is it just it just it's not worth it juice is not worth the squeeze fellas and you know me i i you got i know there's somebody driving in their car right now going yep you're right
• 6:41
  The hotter they are, the more drama that tends to come with them, unless you do what I'm about to teach you in this show. And ladies, stay with me because you're going to get the mindset of men. And you're going to watch. I'm going to take you all the way through my healing journey. And believe me, I'm one of the ones that you'd want. So, you know, it sounded arrogant, but it's just true. I've done a lot of work.
• 7:03
  So era one was chasing the hot woman no matter what. Era two, I've had women with literally the most beautiful face. I had this particular one. She was so pretty. But the rest of her was a little bit on the larger side. But she just was so confident and classy. And we connected over booze and drugs. And all we did is waste our time.
• 7:33
  because she wouldn't open up, I wouldn't open up. Push comes to shove. I couldn't love her fully because I was judging her, because I was judging me. I was judging her on her body. I was judging me that I was
• 7:49
  Judging her, that's where the shame came in. I wanted to love deeply, but I couldn't, I didn't know how. It was yet another relationship that proved external first never works. Here's the line that hurts the most. I wasn't evaluating her. I was exposing myself. And I was running from that shame that I just recently realized what I had. I had era three.
• 8:14
  One was chasing the smoke show. Two was the really pretty, really classy one, but a little bit bigger body. Era three was three of the last four women I dated. Full face of makeup to run errands. Couldn't leave the house without their mask. I saw the pattern and I still picked it. That's how deep this goes. Awareness alone doesn't fix the issues.
• 8:39
  Work, working on yourself, that mirror fixes it. And this is where the men listening need to hear this. You're not above them. You are them. You have a mask. What's that mask? I'm very successful. I make a lot of money. I'm cool. I have these cool friends. I do cool things. Do you? Do you?
• 9:02
  And does any of that really matter? Era four, where I'm at right now and what I'm drawn to today. Bare faced, grounded, self-loved, confident without performance. Just true, authentic awesomeness. And it comes from doing the work.
• 9:25
  Perhaps, I can't believe I made it this far into this show and I haven't said that perhaps they're the ones that have the good relationships with their father or absolutely did a lot of work. And the shift, I want to be very clear about something, fellas. And ladies. The shift wasn't that the women changed. I did. I raised my standards. I raised who I was and I attracted better. Let's dig underneath because I've told you, you want better fruit, heal the root. So I'm going to...
• 9:54
  I'm gonna talk about external validation and boy, oh boy, did I chase that. External validation is a closed loop. Notice if you're watching this on YouTube, I'm just going in a circle. It literally is, it's life's merry-go-round and you're gonna throw up. The filter covers the face, the makeup covers the filter, the surgery covers the makeup, the husband covers the surgery. It never ends because the whole is internal and it's in your heart. Men do the same thing with different tools.
• 10:23
  The money, the muscles, the cars, the titles. And specifically for me, it was the body count applause for my boys. Ooh, Kelly gets all the girls. Ugh, shame that I feel when I say that. It's disgusting. I'm sorry. Sorry to all the ladies that I hurt. I was hurting. And I'm going through the pain right now of releasing that shame. I'm going to give you a mirror moment, ladies. If you're a woman who needs a full face to run errands,
• 10:50
  Ask yourself why. If you're a man drawn only to that, ask why. We're running the same program with different software. I'm gonna tell you specifically though, my experience why men find natural attractive.
• 11:02
  Healed people recognize healed people. It's a frequency, not a preference. That's the law of attraction, it is the magnetism. You're vibrating on the same energy. Unhealed men chase the filter because it matches the filter, they're still running on themselves. Your makeup isn't hiding you from the world, it's hiding you from yourself. And the man worth having is going to want what's underneath it. I had a newsflash.
• 11:31
  All of you are so beautiful. If you just show it. Here's the real, real harder than life moment. I've created moments where I've done real damage and there's lots of, I see other men doing the same thing where they walk away from the women, they half love them. Everything's conditional. What it does to women is, isn't their fault. Fellas, it's us.
• 11:55
  This does work both ways, but let's be the leaders. Let's lead into our masculinity and say we must be better. We must do better. If you're a woman listening and a man like I used to be made you feel like you weren't enough, he was right about one thing and wrong about everything else. He was right that something was off. He was wrong that it was you. It was him. I know because it was me. Hurt people hurt people.
• 12:22
  and look for the healedness. And ladies, I look for people that are comfortable in their own skin. Because that mask, I'm gonna tell you right now, it's the first thing we notice. If you don't look like your social media and we see you, that's the first lie you've told us. And you're lying to yourself. If you've been listening to the show long enough, you know I don't give you a problem without a solution. Simple and easy couple of steps. Step one, stop denying it.
• 12:51
  Most, some of you probably turned off the episode already. You're the ones that needed it most. Stop denying. Most people will listen to this episode and find someone else it applies to, and that's the disease. It's not me. I just wear a little bit of eyeliner. I just put on my eyelashes. If you're making excuses, stop. The work starts the second you say, yep, that's me. I do that. I've done that. And I still do that. Awareness isn't the destination. It's the doorway.
• 13:21
  It's the pathway to attract a better man. Because believe me, they do exist. They're more than likely not scrolling social media. They're not look, and they'll look at someone with a full face and walk away. So awareness is the destination. I look at it as the bat signal of where you need to go. Step two is run my TLC method immediately. Remember, train your mind and the body.
• 13:49
  Mind with meditation, the body, by going to the gym, it will build the discipline to stop running that old pattern. The new habits, new environment, new inputs. The L, remember, learn. Podcasts and reading makes you so attractive. Smart, intelligent woman, not someone just regurgitating what she heard on the radio or her other unhealed friends saying, study why you do it, where it started, and what it's protecting.
• 14:17
  And finally, the C is coaching and counseling. Man, am I in the middle of this right now. And frankly, my therapist and my coach have my head spinning, but the night is darkest just before dawn, and I know I am about to make the major breakthrough. So get someone in your corner who will tell you the truth. I'm in IFS therapy right now, mentorship, whatever matches your stage.
• 14:39
  a life coach, better help therapist. You don't have to do this alone. You wanna go farther, go together. If you wanna go faster, go alone. But unhealed people can't heal themselves in isolation. I tried it. That's how they got unhealed in the first place. Sitting and ruminating and thinking that if I just am prettier, if I just show a little more skin, they'll like me, so.
• 15:07
  I can't stress enough on how it's the first lie that you tell yourself by putting on this crazy makeup and showing your body. You're attracting the wrong people. Same thing with men. I could do the same episode, men, about putting your fakeness and an authenticity forward of something you're not. Just be you, man. That's what this episode really is about.
• 15:30
  You be you and you will attract the right person who's meant for you and it won't be built on a false fake house of cards foundation. Beauty is an embodiment, not a look. Natural says they've healed and that's attractive to healed men. Ladies, you're beautiful. If this one stung, good. That's the signal, don't argue with it, work on it. And here's another one.
• 16:01
  Just because everybody's doing it doesn't mean you should. In fact, if everybody's doing it, I wouldn't do it at all. Thanks for listening, guys. This is Harder Than Life, and I'll see you next Thursday with another solo episode that I'm living, breathing, and eating and sharing with you. Until next week, be harder than life. I love you all. Be awesome. Be kind. And remember, be authentic.
• 16:27
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.