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10 Signs You are Experiencing Covert Narcissist Abuse and What God Has to Say About It! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_08: Welcome back to the Toxic Podcast, everyone.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_08: I'm Pastor Jake O'Connell, and today we have a very special co-host with us, Shannon L.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_08: Alder, relationship life coach and author of the best-selling book, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_08: Shannon, thank you for joining us.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Jake.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really glad to be here and talk about this topic that's so close to my heart.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's an honor to share with your listeners.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_08: Today we're diving into covert narcissistic abuse, specifically when everyone thinks they're nice.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_08: Shannon, you have a personal story that really illustrates this perfectly.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_08: Can you share it with us?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's a story that took me years to process, but I think it will help a lot of people who are going through something similar.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's not easy to talk about, but it's necessary.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_08: Take your time.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_08: We're all ears, and I know our listeners appreciate your vulnerability.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I met this man.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Let's call him Mark.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: He was charming, funny, and everyone loved him.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: He was the life of the party, always helping others, and people would say, Oh, you're so lucky to have him.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I had found my soulmate.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_07: That sounds like the perfect guy on the surface.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_07: So what was going on behind closed doors?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: But behind closed doors, it was a different story.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: He would criticize me constantly, belittle my achievements, and make me feel like I was never good enough.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: But only when we were alone.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: In public, he'd hold my hand and act like the perfect boyfriend.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_08: So he saved his abuse for you while showing a completely different face to the world.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_08: That's the hallmark of covert narcissism, isn't it?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and that's what makes covert narcissism so insidious.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: You start to doubt your own reality because everyone else thinks he's wonderful.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: You wonder, am I crazy?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Is it really me?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's a form of gaslighting that erodes your self-esteem.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_08: How did the relationship end?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_08: Was it a gradual thing or a sudden blow?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: He broke up with me, but then he launched a smear campaign.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: He told all our mutual friends that I was crazy, jealous, and controlling.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: He painted himself as the victim, and everyone believed him.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I lost friends overnight.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_05: That must have been devastating.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_05: How did you cope with that level of betrayal?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: It was.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: I started to believe it myself.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, maybe I am the problem.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I'm not dateable.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: I spiraled into depression and self-doubt.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I isolated myself because I felt like everyone was against me.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_08: But then something changed.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_08: You mentioned earlier that you found out something about him years later.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Years later, I found out he'd been divorced three times.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Three times.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And each time he had done the same thing, charmed everyone, then abused his wife behind closed doors, then smeared her after the divorce.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: It was a pattern.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_08: That's a pattern.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_08: So it wasn't just you.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_08: He was a serial abuser.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: That was the first time I realized the Lord had spared me from a divorce.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I had dodged a bullet.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: If I had married him, I would have been wife number four, going through the same cycle.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: God protected me even when I didn't see it.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_08: So you saw God's hand in that situation.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_08: That's a powerful testimony of divine intervention.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: And now I'm married to a good Christian man who treats me with love and respect.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's a completely different life.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: I never thought I could trust again, but God healed my heart.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_08: That's a powerful testimony, Shannon.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_08: Thank you for sharing that.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_08: It gives hope to so many people who are in the middle of that darkness.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for letting me share.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I hope it helps someone realize they're not alone and that there is a way out.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_08: Now, let's talk about why these covert narcissists make everyone like them but you.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_08: Why do they do that?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_08: What's the psychology behind it?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it's all about image management.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: They need to be seen as perfect, so they invest heavily in their public persona.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: They're master manipulators who mirror people's desires and emotions.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: They study what makes people tick and then become that.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_09: So they're like chameleons?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_09: They adapt to whatever environment they're in?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: They adapt to whatever environment they're in.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: But with their intimate partner, they drop the mask because they feel they have control.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: They can let their true self out because they think you won't leave.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: They save their worst for the person closest to them.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_05: That's scary.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_05: But why do people believe them over the victim?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_05: It seems so unfair.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because the narcissist is often more charismatic and convincing.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: They've spent years building a reputation as a great person, so when they accuse you, people are inclined to believe them.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, they often isolate you from your support network first, so you have no one to vouch for you.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_08: So the victim is left without allies.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_08: That's a double betrayal.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_08: First by the abuser, then by the community.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why it's so hard to make people believe your side of the story.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: But it's not impossible.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: You have to be strategic and patient.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_04: How can someone do that?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_04: What are the first steps to reclaiming your narrative?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: First, document everything.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Keep texts, emails, recordings if legal.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Second, build a support network of people who know the real you.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Third, don't try to convince everyone, focus on those who matter.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: And fourth, seek professional help if needed.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Therapy can be a lifesaver.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_06: That's practical advice.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_06: But what if the narcissist is really good at playing the victim?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_06: What if they have everyone fooled and no matter what you do, people still believe them?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_06: Isn't there a point where you just have to walk away?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Then you have to be patient.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: The truth often comes out eventually, like in my case with the three divorces.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: But you can't control what others believe.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: You can only control your own healing.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes walking away is the healthiest choice, but that doesn't mean you give up on your truth.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_03: That's a hard truth.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: It requires a lot of faith to let go of the need for validation from others.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: But remember, God sees the truth and he will vindicate you in his time.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need to prove yourself to everyone.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Focus on your relationship with him and your own healing.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_08: Amen to that.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_08: Now, before we wrap up, I want to remind everyone to visit ShannonAlder.com to learn about the 90 Days to Freedom Workbook, which is a supplement to her new book on life after narcissism coming out next year.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_08: She's also creating a new course on how to break the trauma bond in 90 days.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_08: All can be found on her website.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I encourage everyone to check it out.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's designed to help you heal and reclaim your life.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: The workbook is a step-by-step guide to freedom from narcissistic abuse.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_08: Also, follow us on all podcast platforms and stop by Staying Positive University on Facebook for uplifting quotes about emotional abuse.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_08: We'd love to connect with you there.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: We'd love to connect with you there.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's a community of support and encouragement for anyone healing from emotional abuse.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_08: And now, as we close, I'd like to read a scripture that speaks to overcoming abuse.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_08: Psalm chapter 34, verse 18 says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_08: Let's pray.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_08: Father, we lift up all those listening who have experienced narcissistic abuse, heal their wounds, restore their identity, and give them strength to move forward.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_08: In Jesus' name, Amen.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_08: Amen.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_08: Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time on the Toxic Podcast.