Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep3: Wanda Unfiltered 🤣

Transcript

S4 Ep3: Wanda Unfiltered 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: White people will make the worst slaves on the face of the planet.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: My carpal tunnel is acting up today.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think I can.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can't.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's excruciating pain.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: They'll be leaving the fields early.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey, where you going?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, Harry Styles tickets, hello.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Get your ass back here.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I gonna need to see your supervisor.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Black people, we need a better publicist.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: No, fuck that.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: We need a publicist.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm one of the publicist that the white guys use.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: That publicist kicks ass.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: That publicist is the best.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because they know how to spin it.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Even when white guys fuck up, they can spit it.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And where you won't think, oh, all white guys are fucked up.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because they make them individuals.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: A crazy white guy shoots up a movie theater.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: They give you his backstory.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: They tell you where he went to school.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he was a loner.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: They put a picture up in the news of him that's so sympathetic.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm watching the news, I'm like, oh man, he should have called me.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: We need a better publicist.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I want a campaign, a campaign for black people, right?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: How about how about like some billboards all across the country of black people just doing fun, non-threatening, frivolous shit?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Just black people just like bowling.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: Just how about some slogans, you know, like toys for tots?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: How about a good slogan for black people?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, let's get black to business.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like that.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe, you know, something environmental, like like uh, like show black people just taking out the recycling can, you know, like we're black, but we're green.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm grateful that I have good doctors, I do.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Good doctors.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: And that's important, you know.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Although I did have to uh change gynecologists, because my old gynecologist, oof, she was she was just chatting, just talk too much.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like I don't mind talking before the exam starts.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: But once I get in the stirrups, you shut the fuck up.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes those exams, they gotta check the front and the back.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: You just leave.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know what you did.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Get the hell out of here.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Don't even look at me.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: But this doctor, man, she was just too, too chatty, you know.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like she was talking like we were good friends or something.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like I get in there and I'm I'm in the stirrups, I'm in the stirrups, and she's like, uh, uh, hey Wanda, you know, they just opened a Greek restaurant on the corner.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, maybe if you have some time, you can stop and get some lunch.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, is this bitch really talking hummus?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: So then I started having, you know, thoughts.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you know what, I'm gonna make her feel as uncomfortable as she makes me feel.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, you know what, one day she's gonna start talking, and I'm just gonna take my big toe and brush her bangs back.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Hey girl, you screaming anything good, lady?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: When I was in fifth grade, I got mononucleosis.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we had just moved to the white neighborhood, and I got mononucleosis.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying white people gave me mononucleosis, but I'm just I just got it.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: But the fun part was listening to my mother trying to explain it to her mother.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: So my mother's on the phone, like, hey mama, how you doing?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, look, I'm gonna need you to come up here and stay with us uh for a few weeks.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Wanda's sick.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um she's got my Jesus.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um she's got my she's got tuberculosis.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's got the TB.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, I know I got Vicks, I got the Vicks.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna put the VIX on her.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: The VIX, we put VIX on everything.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, love the VIX.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: I remember the first time I introduced VIX to my little French family.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: You would have thought I pulled acid on them.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: My daughter had a bad chest cold, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I I heard the rattling, she was she was sleeping, but I could hear her the rattles.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, wanted to get your VIX.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I got my VIX and I go in her bedroom, you know, open up my VIX.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Stop putting a little bit on her on her chest.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: She wakes up, Mommy Pooh, you're burning me.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, no, baby, it's it's just VIX, it's VIX, it's just it'll open up the thing.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: Mama, Mama!
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Vee, beat, beep, mama! Mommy Pooh is burning me.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Olivia, I'm not burning, sweetheart.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's just Vicks, it's Vicks Vapor Rub.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: It'll it'll open this up.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: My wife comes in the room, baby.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: What is the problem?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, my eyes! That is the mission of the school, inclusivity.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: And it really touched me, you know, because I was like, man, just think, I mean, like, how my life would be been different, you know, if it were like that when I was coming up.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I had if I was able to go to a school like that, I was like, man, I could have saved myself a lot of unnecessary dick in my life.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't need all that dick.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: That dick won't for me.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: That was Carol's dick.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: That wasn't my dick.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because I knew.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: I knew.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: I I knew in the third grade.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I remember having a crush on uh my brother's girlfriend's uh sister, she's an older girl, and I remember telling her, you know, I said, you know, I I wish I were a boy, and then you could be my girlfriend.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Cute, right?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: That bitch shut me down.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, she crushed me.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, you don't say that.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's disgusting.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's nasty, you're nasty.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: You don't like girls, you like boys, you don't like girls, you like boys.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, okay, you know.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I guess I'll put this in a box, deal with it when I can afford therapy.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: I guess bring on a dick.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: And even then, it took me a long time.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was a I was a virgin until I was a junior in college.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: And even then, I was just like, let me just get this over there.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I found the shortest guy with the littlest hands I could find.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was just looking for tapas, you know.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Just do tappas.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: And he was nice, he was nice.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: So then I started having sex with guys, you know.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, it never really did anything for me, but they seemed to enjoy it.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess that was enough for me, because you know, I'm an entertainer.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Going through menopause right now.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: You say sorry, yeah, yeah.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's the worst.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, the hot flashes, whoo, the hot flashes are the worst.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: They're crippling.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: All of a sudden, you just flop sweat.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I feel I'm gonna pass out.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: They're awful.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: They're awful.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: There's no way in the world men will put up with hot flashes.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: No way in the world.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think if a man had two hot flashes, they would blow the sun up.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: You go out, they got the missile pointed to something.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, what are y'all doing?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Bob got hot.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Did you, Bob?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just just seemed like it started in my balls, and just my balls got hot and just awful.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Pull it down.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Pull it down.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, ladies, come on.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of we got a shitty hand that we were dealt, right?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Is it a design flaw?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let me get this straight.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: This this is our plight, right?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so when you're young, you're fertile, you're producing eggs, you're bringing life into the world, right?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're bringing life into the world.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then you get older, no more eggs, you can't bring any more life into the world, so they just set you on fire.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of shit is that?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: I I went into one stall and everything was clean except there was a puddle of pea on the floor.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what the fuck happened here?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought about it, I was like, I know what.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: She probably lost her hover skills.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: She probably was in there hovering, and that knee went out on her.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes your hover skills can be on point, but you know, our bodies are so complex that, you know, I don't know if it's a wild hair or something.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes you go and you get two streams coming out.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: One's going down your thigh, one's shooting out that way.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you try to marry it together, like, come on, y'all.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, look with me, y'all.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Damn it.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is some peel like a scorpion.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: You like, this is some he just went in my booty hole.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: This is my life.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: This is not life.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you give up and say, you know, I'm just gonna use a seat cover, you go in there, you put the seat cover down, and as soon as you turn around, the toilet flush and snatches your seat cover.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, shit, I'm just gonna pee on the floor.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck this.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I welcome my trans sisters into the ladies' room.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Please.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe, maybe you'll make us do better, you know.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: We'll be like, come on, ladies.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let's pick it up around here.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: We got some new members coming in.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.