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299. What Growing Up Around Fear Taught Me About Human Behavior · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Kathie (2): When I was growing up, I thought everybody got angry in traffic.
• 0:04
  Kathie (2): I thought that was normal.
• 0:06
  Kathie (2): My dad had terrible road rage.
• 0:09
  Kathie (2): If someone cut him off, he got mad.
• 0:11
  Kathie (2): If someone drove too slow, he got mad.
• 0:14
  Kathie (2): If someone made a mistake, he got mad.
• 0:16
  Kathie (2): And my dad wasn't usually a mad person.
• 0:21
  Kathie (2): And at the same time, there was my mom, who was terrified of traffic.
• 0:25
  Kathie (2): She avoided freeways.
• 0:27
  Kathie (2): She planned her day around traffic.
• 0:29
  Kathie (2): She worried about traffic.
• 0:31
  Kathie (2): So I grew up watching two completely different reactions to the same thing, fear and anger.
• 0:39
  Kathie (2): And then one day when I was about 17 years old, I was riding in the car with someone else.
• 0:45
  Kathie (2): A driver cut us off, and I waited.
• 0:47
  Kathie (2): I waited for them to get upset.
• 0:49
  Kathie (2): I waited for them to complain.
• 0:51
  Kathie (2): I waited for them to react, and they didn't.
• 0:54
  Kathie (2): They just kept driving.
• 0:55
  Kathie (2): And I remember sitting there thinking,"Wait a second.
• 0:58
  Kathie (2): That's an option?" I know it sounds funny now, but that moment stuck with me because it was the first time I realized people weren't actually reacting to traffic.
• 1:11
  Kathie (2): They were reacting to what was happening inside of them.
• 1:15
  Kathie (2): And looking back, I think that moment changed the way I see people.
• 1:19
  Kathie (2): Because once I saw it in traffic, I started seeing it everywhere, in families, in schools, in friendships, in workplaces, in leadership teams, in founder-led companies.
• 1:30
  Kathie (2): Different situations, same pattern.
• 1:34
  Kathie (2): People responding to what was happening inside their nervous system and believing they were responding to reality.
• 1:44
  Kathie (2): And that's what we're gonna talk about today because growing up around fear taught me something I didn't fully understand until much later.
• 1:52
  Kathie (2): I wasn't just learning about people, I was learning how nervous systems shape behavior.
• 2:01
  Kathie (2): Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 2:04
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen, and I help leaders, founders, and high performers understand the human patterns under pressure.
• 2:13
  Kathie (2): I study what happens when stress, uncertainty, conflict, change, and fear enter a system, whether that's a family, a workplace, a leadership team, or a single individual.
• 2:26
  Kathie (2): And today, I want to share something a little bit more personal, because people often ask me,"How did you see that so fast?" Or,"How did you pick up on that?" Or,"What do you see that other people miss?" And honestly, I've been thinking about that question a lot lately, and I think I finally know the answer.
• 2:51
  Kathie (2): I didn't learn human patterns under pressure in a board room.
• 2:55
  Kathie (2): I learned it as a child, not because my childhood was chaotic, and not because there was constant conflict.
• 3:02
  Kathie (2): Actually, from the outside, my family looked pretty normal.
• 3:07
  Kathie (2): What I grew up around was fear, the quiet kind, the socially acceptable kind, the kind that hides behind protection, the kind that hides behind certainty, the kind that hides behind control, the kind that says,"I'm just trying to help," or,"I'm just worried," or,"I'm just being careful." And looking back, I can see that fear was shaping decisions everywhere around me, and without realizing it, I became a student of human behavior.
• 3:45
  Kathie (2): I thought I was learning rules, but I wasn't learning rules.
• 3:49
  Kathie (2): I was learning people.
• 3:51
  Kathie (2): I learned how to tell when someone felt threatened.
• 3:54
  Kathie (2): I learned how to tell when someone needed control in order to feel safe.
• 3:58
  Kathie (2): I learned how to tell when someone was operating from fear.
• 4:03
  Kathie (2): I also learned how to tell when someone could handle reality and when they couldn't.
• 4:10
  Kathie (2): And honestly, I thought everybody could see this.
• 4:14
  Kathie (2): I thought everybody noticed the shifts.
• 4:17
  Kathie (2): I thought everybody could feel tension in a room.
• 4:20
  Kathie (2): I thought everybody could tell when someone's words and behavior didn't match.
• 4:26
  Kathie (2): Later, I learned something important.
• 4:29
  Kathie (2): Most people don't see those things.
• 4:32
  Kathie (2): As I got older, I kept seeing the same pattern everywhere, in schools, in friendships, in relationships, in leadership, in organizations.
• 4:41
  Kathie (2): Different people, but the same pattern.
• 4:45
  Kathie (2): Fear.
• 4:47
  Kathie (2): Fear of being wrong, fear of losing control, fear of uncertainty, fear of judgment, fear of what might happen next.
• 4:57
  Kathie (2): And once I started seeing it, I couldn't unsee it.
• 5:02
  Kathie (2): The micromanager, the founder who can't let go, the leader who needs everyone to agree, the executive who can't hear feedback, the employee who sees threats everywhere.
• 5:13
  Kathie (2): Different behaviors, same root.
• 5:17
  Kathie (2): Then the pandemic happened, and suddenly the entire world was under pressure.
• 5:22
  Kathie (2): This fascinated me because pressure reveals patterns.
• 5:26
  Kathie (2): People become reactive.
• 5:28
  Kathie (2): People become rigid.
• 5:30
  Kathie (2): People become tribal.
• 5:32
  Kathie (2): People become exhausted.
• 5:34
  Kathie (2): People became certain, and social media amplified all of it.
• 5:40
  Kathie (2): Now we can access every crisis, every opinion, every catastrophe, and every prediction instantly.
• 5:48
  Kathie (2): Our nervous systems were never designed for that.
• 5:52
  Kathie (2): And here's what I think happened.
• 5:54
  Kathie (2): The pandemic didn't create most of those patterns, it exposed them.
• 5:59
  Kathie (2): Now, if you look around, nervous system regulation is everywhere, and honestly, I think that's a good thing.
• 6:06
  Kathie (2): But I think most people skip the most important step, and that step is awareness.
• 6:14
  Kathie (2): You cannot regulate something you cannot see.
• 6:17
  Kathie (2): Most people are trying to regulate behavior.
• 6:20
  Kathie (2): I'm interested in what drives the behavior because behavior is information.
• 6:26
  Kathie (2): Behavior tells a story, and one of the biggest clues I've ever found is projection.
• 6:33
  Kathie (2): Projection is a clue, and I've always been fascinated by projection.
• 6:38
  Kathie (2): Even when I was studying psychology in college, I remember learning about projection and immediately recognizing it because I'd already seen it my whole life.
• 6:49
  Kathie (2): Projection is one of the greatest clues you'll ever get.
• 6:53
  Kathie (2): People reveal themselves without realizing they're doing it.
• 6:57
  Kathie (2): The accusation becomes the clue.
• 7:00
  Kathie (2): The criticism becomes the clue.
• 7:02
  Kathie (2): The reaction becomes the clue.
• 7:04
  Kathie (2): If somebody sees the threats everywhere, pay attention.
• 7:09
  Kathie (2): If somebody thinks everyone is judging them, yeah, pay attention.
• 7:14
  Kathie (2): If somebody believes everyone is trying to control them, pay attention.
• 7:20
  Kathie (2): Projection leaves breadcrumbs, and if you know how to observe those breadcrumbs, you learn a lot about what's happening underneath the surface.
• 7:30
  Kathie (2): But here's the lesson that took me decades to learn.
• 7:33
  Kathie (2): Seeing a pattern does not make me responsible for it.
• 7:37
  Kathie (2): Seeing fear does not mean I have to carry it.
• 7:40
  Kathie (2): Seeing dysregulation does not mean I have to regulate it.
• 7:45
  Kathie (2): For years, I absorbed emotional weather.
• 7:49
  Kathie (2): I managed environments.
• 7:51
  Kathie (2): I carried responsibility that didn't belong to me, and it was freaking exhausting.
• 7:57
  Kathie (2): The biggest shift in my life wasn't learning how to see the patterns.
• 8:02
  Kathie (2): The biggest shift was learning which patterns belonged to me and which ones didn't.
• 8:07
  Kathie (2): Today, people hire me because I see patterns, not because I'm smarter and not because I have all the answers, because I've spent decades observing what happens when people come under pressure.
• 8:19
  Kathie (2): I can often see the pattern before the pattern becomes obvious.
• 8:23
  Kathie (2): I can see when fear is driving decisions.
• 8:25
  Kathie (2): I can see when a leadership team is solving the wrong problem.
• 8:29
  Kathie (2): I can see when a founder's nervous system is creating friction inside the company.
• 8:35
  Kathie (2): I can see when someone is treating symptoms instead of addressing the source.
• 8:42
  Kathie (2): And that's why people ask me,"How did you see that so fast?" For most of my life, I thought everyone could see what I saw.
• 8:52
  Kathie (2): Now I realize most people don't.
• 8:55
  Kathie (2): Human patterns under pressure didn't start in a boardroom.
• 8:59
  Kathie (2): It started by watching people, watching fear, watching uncertainty, watching projection, watching behavior, watching what happens when pressure entered a system.
• 9:09
  Kathie (2): And after decades of observation, I've come to believe something very simple.
• 9:16
  Kathie (2): The most disruptive force inside most families, teams, and organizations is not conflict.
• 9:23
  Kathie (2): It isn't uncertainty.
• 9:25
  Kathie (2): It isn't disagreement.
• 9:28
  Kathie (2): It is unrecognized fear.
• 9:32
  Kathie (2): Because what remains unseen gets projected.
• 9:36
  Kathie (2): What gets projected spreads.
• 9:38
  Kathie (2): What spreads shapes cultures.
• 9:40
  Kathie (2): What shapes cultures shapes entire lives.
• 9:46
  Kathie (2): Most people are trying to solve the behavior.
• 9:49
  Kathie (2): I'm interested in the pattern underneath it, because once you see the pattern, you finally have a choice, and choice changes everything.
• 9:57
  Kathie (2): If you'd like to go deeper, I've written a complete companion blog post that I do with every episode that expands on today's episode and includes additional resources.
• 10:08
  Kathie (2): You'll find it linked in the show notes and description below and in the first comment on YouTube.
• 10:15
  Kathie (2): And in the next episode, we're going to explore something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
• 10:22
  Kathie (2): What happens when a child grows up learning to manage other people's emotional states?
• 10:27
  Kathie (2): Because that pattern follows a lot of people into adulthood, and most don't even realize they're still carrying it.
• 10:36
  Kathie (2): Thank you for being here today.
• 10:37
  Kathie (2): I trust that you found today's episode helpful, and until next time, I'll see you in the next episode of the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.