Latest / The Opinion You Didn’t Ask For / Stay In Your Lane
Transcript
- 0:00Whether I'm your favorite cup of tea or not, you're obviously
- 0:03here. So sit down, because today we
- 0:06are spilling the tea. You guys, welcome back to the
- 0:24opinion you didn't ask for. I'm Hannah and today is the day
- 0:28that I have been waiting for, the day that I don't have to
- 0:33just give my opinions unsolicited, but the day that I
- 0:38give the opinions you have been wanting.
- 0:41So welcome to the first of hopefully many episodes of the
- 0:45opinion you did ask for. All right, we're going to start
- 0:50it off with one that I'm not going to lie, I had to ask
- 0:55someone what it was because I didn't know because it's talking
- 0:59about smut. I, if I have given the
- 1:02impression that I read books, I apologize.
- 1:05Truly, I apologize. I'm, I'm not, I'm not a reader,
- 1:09guys. I am a visual learner.
- 1:12I am a movies and TV shows kind of girl.
- 1:15If you write a book and then someone turns it into a movie, I
- 1:21can watch that but there will be zero chance of me reading that
- 1:25book. So this one, I mean I was
- 1:27already starting out with a loss.
- 1:28OK so it says smut SMUT. Had no idea what that was so had
- 1:35to ask. Had to phone a friend and it
- 1:37says studies prove it has the same effects on a woman's brain
- 1:41as visual porn does on men's. Can't believe people read it so
- 1:44casually and publicly. The double standard is crazy.
- 1:48So this may be an unpopular opinion.
- 1:53This may ruffle some feathers. I am just going to give it to
- 1:57you how I feel. I have a sister who reads these
- 2:01books. I have a sister-in-law who reads
- 2:04these books. I have many of people on my
- 2:07social media, whether it was people I knew from high school
- 2:09or college or just randomly throughout life that they post
- 2:13about books. I couldn't tell you one name of
- 2:16one of these books. I cannot recall one of these
- 2:19books. However, I know that they read
- 2:21them. And so I have thought about this
- 2:26submission because I think it's so easy to try to find equal
- 2:34comparisons like, oh, these books that are lustful and
- 2:38inappropriate and causing you to have feelings of arousal, right?
- 2:43Versus like men viewing porn. So here's my opinion on it.
- 2:48I don't think that there's anything wrong with these books
- 2:53if they are not causing a woman to step out of her marriage or
- 2:59to step out of her relationship and to have an affair or to be
- 3:04thinking of another man while pleasuring herself or while
- 3:08being pleasured by her husband and she's thinking of someone
- 3:10that is not him. OK, there we can.
- 3:13We can agree that that's not healthy.
- 3:15However, from the people that I know who have read these books
- 3:19and from some online groups I'm a part of that often talk about
- 3:25these kind of books in these situations.
- 3:27I don't think a lot of women are doing that.
- 3:31I feel like for a lot of women, this has almost reignited the
- 3:34spark in the bedroom because they read this and then they
- 3:38they want to almost like reenact it or replay it with their
- 3:42spouse. They want to bring that
- 3:44spiciness from their book with these random characters into
- 3:48their bedroom. However, men viewing porn,
- 3:54that's not usually the case. A man is not usually like let me
- 3:58watch this to get some ideas to take to the bedroom with my
- 4:01wife. Like I do not feel like they are
- 4:04on the same level. You can disagree, I do not care.
- 4:07This is how I feel. I feel like porn is never used
- 4:13as encouragement, as an idea for what you should do with your
- 4:16spouse. I feel like it's a very selfish
- 4:19thing. I feel like it is a very self
- 4:21pleasuring thing. It's like if you're viewing
- 4:24porn, it's because you don't want to have that physical
- 4:27intimacy with your partner. It's because you don't want to
- 4:32be in reality, you want to be in some fantasy land.
- 4:36But I also think it makes you a beta male like I think, or a
- 4:42beta person, I guess depending on who's viewing it.
- 4:44But for the most part, I think the studies have proven men view
- 4:47porn more often. And I'm a woman and I'm married
- 4:50to a man. So in my world, that is how I, I
- 4:53guess, talk. But I do not think that a man is
- 4:58a strong, dominant leading man who's viewing porn and most
- 5:04likely getting off on that and then coming home to a woman who
- 5:11has probably been cooking and cleaning and taking care of kids
- 5:14and doing all these things. And instead of pleasuring her
- 5:17and instead of wanting to have that intimacy with her, he's
- 5:20already gotten it for himself. He's already, he's already taken
- 5:23care of that aspect. So of course the aspect of their
- 5:26marriage is going to struggle. Of course there's going to be a
- 5:28disconnect. Of course there's going to be a
- 5:30physical block because he is removing her from intimacy.
- 5:36And I also don't feel like they're, I don't feel like that
- 5:39there are a lot of women who are encouraging their partners to go
- 5:44view porn. However, I for a fact, I know my
- 5:48brother-in-law has told my sister to go read her book, to
- 5:52go take a bath, you know, to go chill and hang out.
- 5:56He's encouraged that. And if that book were a problem
- 6:00in their marriage, I highly doubt he would be encouraging
- 6:04that. So yes, I do think that there is
- 6:06a level of what isn't isn't appropriate in your marriage.
- 6:10You are allowed to decide for yourselves what works for your
- 6:13relationship. But I don't think that a book
- 6:17and characters in a book who are maybe doing slightly intimate
- 6:22things is cheating or is doing as much harm on the brain as
- 6:28porn. I just don't think that those
- 6:30are equal comparisons. So I guess you just have to draw
- 6:33the line for yourselves. You have to, you have to figure
- 6:35that out. But I do not, I guess I do not
- 6:39personally agree that the, I don't know, 50 Shades of Grey
- 6:43style books are doing as much damage.
- 6:47So for me, the line with these types of books is if it replaces
- 6:51sex with your partner, your spouse, it's bad.
- 6:55If it leads to more sex, better sex, better communication, a
- 7:01more spicy love life, then it's not bad.
- 7:06As long as you have set those boundaries with your partner, as
- 7:08long as they are on board, you are on board, then I don't think
- 7:12that there is any problem with them.
- 7:15As long as it's within the bounds of your marriage, your
- 7:19relationship, and you're not fantasizing about someone else,
- 7:23that you're not bringing a different person into your
- 7:26relationship because that is crossing a whole other boundary
- 7:30with marriage and affairs and all of that.
- 7:33But also, if you have read those books or you tried to read those
- 7:36books because everyone else around you is reading them and
- 7:39you feel uncomfortable, that is OK.
- 7:43You are allowed to not like them.
- 7:46You are allowed to feel like they are not appropriate for
- 7:49your life, but you're not allowed to judge someone else's
- 7:52life based on how you felt. Am IA doctor?
- 7:58No. Do I do research on people's
- 8:00brains? Absolutely not.
- 8:02Do I have opinions? Absolutely.
- 8:06So take that as you will. OK, that's just there's my two
- 8:10cents on that. Whether you agree or disagree,
- 8:13it's my opinion, so it doesn't really matter to me anyway.
- 8:17All right, we're moving on to a topic that also I am so grateful
- 8:21for everyone that's submitted, whether I agree with your
- 8:23opinion or not, whether you like the answer I give to the
- 8:26situation you submitted or not. I just want to thank you so much
- 8:30for trusting me with this and for wanting my opinion and for,
- 8:35I don't know, finding value in what I say or hopefully this
- 8:38does help. I honestly pray that it will
- 8:40help someone in some situation, whether you're the one that
- 8:44submitted it or not. Maybe you're going through
- 8:45something that you did not want anyone to know about and someone
- 8:48else is going through it and they submitted it.
- 8:51Truly, that is my hope. And this is also whether it's
- 8:54past, present, future possibilities of what may
- 8:57happen. Submit it.
- 8:59If you already did the thing and you're like, did I handle this
- 9:02the right way or how would you have handled this?
- 9:05Because I did this, what would you have done?
- 9:07I love, I love it all. Give it to me.
- 9:09Nothing is a bigger compliment to me than you asking for my
- 9:15advice or for you asking for my opinion on a situation.
- 9:18It honestly brings me more joy than you could ever know.
- 9:21So I just want to throw that in there.
- 9:23Thank you so much. OK, this one says when I was two
- 9:28weeks postpartum, which oof, postpartum that is.
- 9:32That's a journey. When I was two weeks postpartum,
- 9:35my mother-in-law was concerned I was taking advantage of air
- 9:39quoted by the way my husband because he took my baby to the
- 9:44two week checkup. Also, I was home and sick with
- 9:47COVID hence why I didn't take the baby.
- 9:50I've had a few conversations over text about it and it's been
- 9:536 months but my feelings are still hurt.
- 9:57OK valid. Of course your feelings are
- 9:59still hurt because A hormones and B who who says that?
- 10:06OK, who says that mother in law's mind your business stay in
- 10:13your lane? That's that would could be its
- 10:17own podcast. Honestly, here are my thoughts
- 10:20on this. I don't feel like there is ever
- 10:25an appropriate thing to say to a two week postpartum mom, whether
- 10:30it is their first baby or their 4th, 12th, 20th baby.
- 10:36OK, unless it is you look beautiful.
- 10:39What can I do for you? Just don't talk if you are not
- 10:44offering help. No one wants your advice in that
- 10:47moment. OK?
- 10:48We are so overwhelmed with this new baby.
- 10:53We do not need to hear your advice.
- 10:55We don't need to hear how you would do it.
- 10:57We are married to the kid you raised.
- 10:59Thanks but no thanks. I'm still trying to retrain him.
- 11:03Once again, stay in your lane. So with that being said, I, I
- 11:09feel like there are a few situations of how to go about
- 11:12this, right? Like how close are you with your
- 11:14mother-in-law? Are these comments often being
- 11:18said in a passive aggressive way and they have never been called
- 11:22out? Have you asked your spouse?
- 11:25Is he aware that this is going on?
- 11:28So I think that that would be my first, my first advice is if
- 11:33you're comfortable, if you have a relationship with your
- 11:36mother-in-law, that you can, whether it's through text or a
- 11:39phone call or in person, just say, hey, I, I know you have
- 11:44good intentions. I appreciate all that you've
- 11:46done for us. I love you so much.
- 11:49I know it's probably my hormones and maybe I took it wrong, but
- 11:53when you said this, that really hurt my feelings.
- 11:57And I just want to make sure that you're aware and going
- 12:01forward, hopefully we can avoid this right now.
- 12:03If you do not have a close relationship with your
- 12:06mother-in-law and she's making comments like that when you're
- 12:09postpartum, I personally feel that it is your spouse's job to
- 12:14step in first. And I say first because if it
- 12:18continues, then you get to go. You get to go in guns blazing,
- 12:24K? But I would say start, start
- 12:27gentle, have her child, the one she raised and think she did
- 12:31such a perfect job with, have him go and say, hey, mom, this
- 12:36was brought up. I heard that you made this
- 12:38comment to her a way out of line, not appropriate.
- 12:44And B, we're just not going to make comments like that.
- 12:47Like I am a fully capable dad. I am, you know, I'm, I brought
- 12:52these kids into this world. Well, I got to do the fun part
- 12:54of bringing these kids into this world.
- 12:55She did the hard part, OK, I am more than capable of helping
- 13:00out. I am more than capable.
- 13:02I should be taking them to doctor's appointments, whether
- 13:05once again, whether it's your first or 50th kid, OK, he's the
- 13:09dad. He should be actively helping
- 13:11and if he is able to take them, why?
- 13:15Why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he at least be
- 13:17going to the appointments with you even if you didn't have
- 13:19COVID, OK, if you had a nail appointment, you just carried a
- 13:22baby for nine months and pushed that thing out of you and now
- 13:25you are keeping that thing alive.
- 13:27Go get your hair done. Go to the spa.
- 13:30That that man can take that baby to the doctor's appointment, OK?
- 13:33He just can. So the mother-in-law should then
- 13:37be put in her place very, very nicely in a respectful ish way.
- 13:41Ish. I say ish because the girl made
- 13:44the comment, OK, She did dig her grave in that moment.
- 13:47Now, whether she wants to be resurrected out of that grave,
- 13:50that's on her. But given the option to get out
- 13:53of the grave, that's where we're at right now is we're giving her
- 13:56the option. And then if those comments
- 13:58persist. So I am curious as to what the
- 14:03text messages have been. But if your feelings are still
- 14:07hurt, I think my opinion. Hello once again, this is my
- 14:12podcast, this is my episode. This is my opinion is if your
- 14:17feelings are still hurt, then there is still going to be built
- 14:21up tension. There is still going to be
- 14:25resentment for her and for the comment that was made, which
- 14:32rightfully so. OK, I get that some of these
- 14:35women are still living in 1950 and they cook and they clean and
- 14:39they have a meal on the table for their spouse to come home
- 14:42and kick up his feet in the recliner.
- 14:44OK, I get it. That is how some women think and
- 14:49wives should be quiet. My husband doesn't know what a
- 14:53quiet day even sounds like in this house.
- 14:55OK, but there are some mother in law's mothers who think that a
- 15:00wife's job is to please her husband in the ways he deems
- 15:04necessary and she does everything else.
- 15:08False. We are in 2025.
- 15:10That is not what happens anymore.
- 15:12And I know that because my parents came to visit one
- 15:16weekend and my dad and I went to the grocery store and there was
- 15:19a dad and two little kids. He was pushing them in the cart
- 15:23and my dad's first comment was it must be his weekend.
- 15:27And I looked at my dad and I was like, excuse me?
- 15:31And he's like, well, he's alone with the kids.
- 15:33Like it must be his weekend. And I was like, heaven forbid a
- 15:38father takes his children to the grocery store.
- 15:41Do you know what that woman at home with who had those kids is
- 15:44probably going through? She might have another one at
- 15:46home, the baby who the husband was just taking the other two
- 15:49out of the house to give a break for.
- 15:51Or you know what? They might not have any more
- 15:53kids and she didn't needed a nap.
- 15:55A nap. The woman may be needed to take
- 15:58a shower with no one peeking through the curtain.
- 16:00OK, what do you dad? What do you mean that you
- 16:04immediately think that that man is divorced and it is his
- 16:07weekend with his kids because a single man was at the grocery
- 16:11store with two kids. It's honestly as if dads are not
- 16:16as involved and they weren't. I didn't.
- 16:18My dad was not very involved with my childhood growing up.
- 16:21OK so that is how a lot of the older generation love these
- 16:26boomers. That is how they view fatherhood
- 16:30because they were not that involved as fathers.
- 16:33My children will never know what life is like to not wake up and
- 16:40have their dad home 24/7. My husband works from home.
- 16:45Biggest blessing in my life. Truly the only reason we had a
- 16:49third baby because I was like I can't do I will not do a third
- 16:52kid by myself. Just won't do it.
- 16:54When my third one was born, my husband was holding him as like
- 16:59a two week old during meetings because it's virtual and he
- 17:03didn't even have to have his camera on.
- 17:04OK. And he's holding this newborn
- 17:06during meetings. That is the world my kids live
- 17:09in that their dad is home for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
- 17:12He puts them to bed and I mean he cooks all our meals.
- 17:15Let's be real. So I'm like my mother-in-law
- 17:17could be like my son deserves to marry a wife who cooks.
- 17:20I'm like, sorry Heather, that didn't happen because I don't
- 17:24cook. But thankfully he loves to cook
- 17:26and that is what he finds joy in and he loves being a dad.
- 17:30So why are we putting men in this box of you're taking
- 17:34advantage of him? Well, he took advantage of me
- 17:37and that's how I got put in this situation.
- 17:39So once again, stay in your lane.
- 17:43So I don't know if that helped. I hope that helped.
- 17:47My advice would be to clear the air.
- 17:50If you're still upset, you tell her, pull her aside, call her on
- 17:55the phone. If you don't want to look her in
- 17:56the face, probably don't do it through text message because
- 18:00sometimes old people, older people, however old they may be,
- 18:04they read things wrong and then they may take it and they might
- 18:07decide to be offended, heaven forbid.
- 18:10So I think it's very important to make it in a place that they
- 18:15cannot misconstrue what was being said.
- 18:18You can't make that was it was yelling because you put a period
- 18:22instead of an exclamation point. I'm an exclamation point girly
- 18:25because that's how I talk. It's more it's joyful if I'm
- 18:28putting exclamation points, I'm happy, I'm talking nice.
- 18:30If I put periods in that text message.
- 18:32I am very unhappy if there is a period after a sentence, not
- 18:38good, not good for anyone. So you never know how someone is
- 18:41going to take something. So you need to make sure they
- 18:45are very aware of your intent and of the outcome you want.
- 18:51Because if they think you're just trying to nitpick, that
- 18:55just gives them more ammo. So if you're able to say, hey,
- 18:58that's not an appropriate comment.
- 19:00He is more than capable to take our baby to the doctor's office.
- 19:03Whether I am sick or not, whether I am sick at home with
- 19:06his other children or not. I deserve to be able to have a
- 19:12break if I need a break. So there you have it.
- 19:16And if it continues, then then let all let it all out.
- 19:23You go in Ragin hot K, please record it.
- 19:27I can't wait to see it. I just I live for moments.
- 19:31I live for moments of people getting called out on their poor
- 19:34behavior. OK, I'd love it.
- 19:36Love to see someone get put in their place.
- 19:38So you know, be respectful if you can, but at the same time,
- 19:42if they don't respect you, you do not have to remain as
- 19:45respectful. You can stand firm.
- 19:47You can say what is and isn't appropriate.
- 19:49You can set those boundaries. And I think boundaries are so
- 19:51healthy. Boundaries are so important.
- 19:53If you set boundaries with whoever your in laws, your own
- 19:56family, your neighbors, your friends, whoever it may be, set
- 20:00the boundary of how you will be spoken to, how things in your,
- 20:04this may not be how it worked in your family.
- 20:06This is what works in our family.
- 20:08He isn't complaining. I don't know why you are OK.
- 20:13OK, next. OK, this one said how to
- 20:17approach not liking and then in parentheses put rather despising
- 20:21your best friend's significant other, which oof, this is this
- 20:27is a heavy one. This one's heavy.
- 20:30So I asked a follow up question because she did not submit
- 20:34anonymously and so I figured she was OK with me knowing who it
- 20:38was. So I was like do you mind me
- 20:40asking? I even said do you mind me
- 20:41asking? Share what you want to share.
- 20:43Feel free to ignore this and not answer at all.
- 20:45But I asked why she despised them.
- 20:49I mean is there which you're allowed to have your opinions on
- 20:52anybody. But I wanted to know is there an
- 20:54abusive situation going on? Is it more gaslighting?
- 20:59Is it, you know, what level are we on with why you dislike them?
- 21:03Or are they just rude to you? Or have they kind of just cut
- 21:06you off because of this partner and maybe you took it more
- 21:09personal kind of a thing. You know, there's different
- 21:12levels of why. And so thankfully, she messaged
- 21:15back and just said he's very disrespectful to everyone, but
- 21:19mostly her and her family. He calls names, He's always in a
- 21:22bad mood, complaints about everything, can't hold a job.
- 21:26They've had multiple restraining orders against each other and
- 21:29they also have a child and that child is being put all of this
- 21:33through which I man I have an opinion on.
- 21:37If you are in a toxic relationship and you can't stand
- 21:41each other half the time and then you're love bombing each
- 21:43other the other half, that is fine.
- 21:45You do your toxicity. You live with those red flags
- 21:49all over the place. Do not bring a child into that.
- 21:54They did not ask to be brought into the situation.
- 21:57If you can't get your guys this crap together, that should not
- 22:02warrant a baby being brought in. Babies.
- 22:06Newsflash, here's an opinion. No situation has a baby made a
- 22:12relationship better. OK.
- 22:15It just hasn't. If you're having marital
- 22:17problems, if you're having relationship problems, if you
- 22:20keep going back and forth with the same person and you're like,
- 22:22maybe a baby will make us fall more in love.
- 22:24No, it won't. And then that poor child is
- 22:27going to be drugged through the mud and have to pick a side, be
- 22:31from a split home. Nobody wants that.
- 22:34OK, So if you can avoid it, do so.
- 22:37I already feel for this poor kid.
- 22:39I, I feel so sad for him and that he is having to live
- 22:43through this. If you've had to have multiple
- 22:46restraining orders against each other, OK, let's I mean by law,
- 22:53I think the police should just be like, you cannot get back
- 22:55together. The end.
- 22:56Like can that be a thing? Please?
- 22:58Can we start that to be a law? I might, I might start a
- 23:00petition that if you need a restraining order against the
- 23:03person you're with, ultimate red flag, ultimate Big X above their
- 23:08name. Just no go.
- 23:10OK, Now to be the friend who is having to witness this, that
- 23:16sounds horrendous. And I feel so I feel so bad
- 23:19because that that is terrible because you want to be there for
- 23:22your friend. You want to be that rock and
- 23:25that support and that shoulder to cry on when things ultimately
- 23:30will go downhill. It will end terribly, but how
- 23:34long is it going to take? And that's also exhausting to be
- 23:38the friend because how much energy and time can you possibly
- 23:43give to someone who does not want to change, who clearly
- 23:48keeps going into the same toxic cycle and they can't get out of
- 23:52it. And what's hard is that I feel
- 23:53like there's, there's pros and cons, right?
- 23:56You as the best friend can say what are you doing?
- 24:00You're an idiot, leave. He is trash.
- 24:02He is terrible for you. You 2 are not good together.
- 24:07You are making an unhealthy situation for you, for your
- 24:10child. Remove yourself from this and I
- 24:12promise things will get better. Right?
- 24:14Like you want to do that, but at the same time you worry if you
- 24:17do that, are they going to push you away?
- 24:19And are they going to stay? Are they going to stay almost to
- 24:22spite you to be like, I'm going to prove you wrong.
- 24:25He's not that bad. You just hate everybody.
- 24:27You're wrong, right? Like, there's, there's the
- 24:30double edged sword. You don't know how they're going
- 24:32to take it. And I've seen a few Tik toks
- 24:34recently where these daughters will say, Hey, dad, I'm going to
- 24:40tell you about this guy I'm dating.
- 24:41I want you to tell me, you know, if it's a good good thing or a
- 24:44bad thing. And they're just describing
- 24:47their dad's traits to see what the dad would say if it's a red
- 24:51flag or a green flag about this, you know, new boyfriend that the
- 24:54girl has that she doesn't actually have.
- 24:56It's she's just describing her father.
- 24:58I almost feel like you have to do that with this friend.
- 25:01Like I have to tell you about this friend I have or this boy
- 25:05I'm dating or this person that I work with.
- 25:08You know, I'm going to tell you all these crazy things that they
- 25:11do and their their relationship that they're always bringing
- 25:14into the office and talking about, or, you know, whatever it
- 25:16may be and almost put it as a third party situation and let
- 25:21your friend be like, holy cow, that's crazy.
- 25:24Or Oh my gosh, I can't believe she'd be so stupid to stay with
- 25:26someone like that. And maybe frame it in that way.
- 25:29And then when you get to the end, just like I literally just
- 25:33described everything that you have gone through the last year
- 25:37or two or three or however long this toxic relationship has been
- 25:40going on. Because I mean, they have to see
- 25:42it. I mean, I see horror stories of
- 25:44like, if you do not get out of these situations, you may not
- 25:48survive them, like physically might not live through them.
- 25:51And that is a terrifying thing to think, right?
- 25:53Like this woman has a baby. She she has someone who is
- 25:58depending on her. You do not need to put her in a
- 26:00situation. She doesn't need to put herself
- 26:02in a situation that could potentially harm her own life or
- 26:05her child's life and just cut your losses.
- 26:08Just be like, OK, we, you know, we were not good together.
- 26:11We made something beautiful together.
- 26:12This, this baby boy is amazing. Love him.
- 26:15I thank you for him. I will always love part of you
- 26:18because he is part of you. But we need to find people that
- 26:22are good for us. We need to find people that make
- 26:24us want to be better. And I think that that's just so
- 26:27hard. And it might just take you
- 26:28honestly stepping away, telling the friend, hey, I love you, but
- 26:33I'm going to have to love you from afar for a little bit
- 26:37because I am scared for you and I am anxious for you.
- 26:40And I feel like you are not trying to help you and I have
- 26:45tried to help you. And I think that I need to just
- 26:48take a step back and let you make the decision you're going
- 26:52to make so that you know, you can't blame me in the future
- 26:54going forward for what is happening.
- 26:58But just for the record, I want to say, do not, whatever you do,
- 27:03do not leave her. Do not isolate yourself from
- 27:10her. Maybe try to isolate yourself
- 27:13from that situation of her toxic relationship, but don't isolate
- 27:17her as your friend because that is what this partner, that is
- 27:23what this guy will want. He will want everyone in her
- 27:26life who loves her to leave her so that she is relying and
- 27:30dependent on him, so that he's the one picking up the pieces
- 27:34and he's the good guy even when he is the problem.
- 27:36He is The Walking red flag. He is the tragedy in her life.
- 27:41If everyone leaves her because of him, he will win and he will
- 27:47take her down with him. So do not whatever you do, do
- 27:51not abandon her, but maybe set boundaries on what you want to
- 27:55talk about within the relationship for your mental
- 27:58health as the friend but allowing her to talk about it if
- 28:03if it's needed. If she knows, she can talk to
- 28:05you about the horrible things that he's done and maybe even
- 28:08open up about more things that she hasn't talked about or that
- 28:12she was too embarrassed or afraid or ashamed to say.
- 28:16Be the safe space for her to talk about because she's
- 28:19obviously telling you for a reason.
- 28:20She wants to leave. She just might not know how to
- 28:24leave, and her being able to open up and talk to you about it
- 28:28is the first step in the ability to remove herself.
- 28:34I was actually in a relationship, a brief one that
- 28:37was beyond toxic and very unhealthy, which I will talk
- 28:43about more one day, but my mom was so worried that I was going
- 28:51to end up marrying this guy who sucked.
- 28:54OK, hindsight's 2020. I wanted to save him.
- 28:59I was like, man, I am the girl for the job.
- 29:02Like he needs Jesus. He needs saved.
- 29:05I've got this. Like I am going to fix him.
- 29:09That's not healthy. That doesn't usually end up
- 29:11working out well for the person trying to fix them.
- 29:14The person who's trying to get fixed, they get a lot out of it
- 29:16because they almost get to walk all over you and take advantage
- 29:19of you because they see you're trying to give.
- 29:22But thankfully, because I am, I'm a stubborn, stubborn girl.
- 29:25Thick skull over here. Thankfully, my mom said nothing.
- 29:31She said nothing. And it was funny because she
- 29:33told me after I got out of the situation and actually met my
- 29:38husband and while we were dating and how happy we were and how
- 29:42happy I was and just I, I was lighter and more alive.
- 29:47And she was like, I was terrified every day that you
- 29:50were going to end up marrying him and your life was going to
- 29:53be awful. She's like, but I knew if I
- 29:55jumped in that you would fight harder to prove me wrong.
- 30:01And I'm so grateful for that because she's probably not
- 30:03wrong. Or at least I would have ended
- 30:04up going further down than I needed to.
- 30:06It would have just taken more of my life, more of my energy, more
- 30:09of my happiness. I would have given more of
- 30:12myself to that person before realizing how toxic and
- 30:16unhealthy and tragic the situation truly was.
- 30:21And I was able to take a step back and see it now for what it
- 30:24was, which was terrible. But in the moment, I was just
- 30:28trying to make him better. I was just trying to fix him and
- 30:33help him be the person I knew he wanted to be.
- 30:36And no, why, why, why do we like the red flags?
- 30:40Why do we like the the bad boys who are so disrespectful, who
- 30:46are so toxic? What is wrong with us?
- 30:49I think it's the TV shows we watched as kids.
- 30:51OK, we watched these bad boys with the good girl.
- 30:55Don't get me started on One Tree Hill.
- 30:56I could be here for 17 years. Love the show Nathan Scott
- 31:01changed it's fine but that situation, they don't always
- 31:04change and they don't always want to change.
- 31:07They just want to drag you down with them.
- 31:09And so as the friend, you almost need to decide, do you want to
- 31:15sit her down and point out every red flag he has?
- 31:19Or do you want to say I love you so much?
- 31:22I need to take a step back from my own mental health.
- 31:25And please let me know when you're ready to accept my
- 31:31opinions on him. When you're ready to realize
- 31:34what we have all been telling you because we love you.
- 31:37We don't want you to be sad. We don't want you to be hurt.
- 31:39We don't want this toxic thing in your life.
- 31:42But also maybe ask her, how would you respond if that was
- 31:47your son? How would you respond if that
- 31:49was your daughter? Would you want them to stay in a
- 31:51situation that you're currently staying in?
- 31:54Because I think that wakes a lot of people up when there are kids
- 31:57involved. You want to give your kid a
- 31:59better life. You want your kids to have more
- 32:02than you had, to have healthier relationships than you've had,
- 32:06that that's what you want. Everyone wants better than what
- 32:10for their loved ones, than they've had for themselves.
- 32:13It's very natural. Maybe she needs to see it as
- 32:17don't save yourself for yourself.
- 32:19Save yourself from the sky for your kid.
- 32:23Hopefully that'll help. Hopefully that'll wake her up.
- 32:26You know, we all, we've all been there.
- 32:28We've all done things that our families and friends don't agree
- 32:31with, but if they love us enough and if they've been supportive
- 32:36as long as they can and they come to a breaking point, you
- 32:39have to ask yourself, is this person really worth losing
- 32:42everyone who actually does love and support me?
- 32:44OK, solid question. Just ask it.
- 32:49All right, I got one that said I would love to hear your opinion
- 32:54on the Secret lives of Mormon Wives.
- 32:56And I'm going to be so honest right now.
- 32:59I have never seen one episode which some of you might be like
- 33:05lies. She has no 110% I have not.
- 33:09I don't even know why I haven't, if we're being totally honest,
- 33:13because I love reality TVI love trash TVI do I love it.
- 33:19But I have never seen an episode and I think because when it was
- 33:24coming out and there were all these ads for it on Instagram
- 33:27and it was being shoved in my face.
- 33:28And you know what? I feel like I, I feel like I get
- 33:30the gist of the show through Tiktok and Instagram.
- 33:33I feel like they share enough reels and posts about it.
- 33:36Then I'm like, I don't need to waste my time watching that.
- 33:38I think I got, I got a brief summary going on of every single
- 33:41person's personality. I don't follow any of them on
- 33:44social media. I don't know half their names,
- 33:47if we're being honest. But I do know some of the
- 33:49situations that have unfolded. But I think for me, their air
- 33:55quote friendships, their whatever they are to each other
- 34:00is so toxic and so unhealthy and not genuine friendships, not
- 34:06real relationships with each other.
- 34:09It's basically who can one up the next person who can take the
- 34:13lead, Who's who's the IT girl, who you know, whatever, all that
- 34:17all that stupidness. But I think it honestly is
- 34:20really triggering for me because of kind of friendships that I
- 34:24had growing up and situations that I've had throughout my life
- 34:26with friendships that I'm, it almost gives me PTSD in a way of
- 34:31some of these behaviors and some of the things that have happened
- 34:35on the show from what I have seen on social media that I'm
- 34:39like, I don't think I need to bring that energy into my life.
- 34:42That is some bad juju. I don't need that juju.
- 34:44Thanks, but no thanks. So I mean, I guess we'll see if
- 34:48enough of you told me I needed to watch it because you just
- 34:51needed my opinion on a certain situation that happened
- 34:55throughout the show or if you're like, no, Hannah, you need to
- 34:58watch it because we need this from you.
- 35:01OK. I'd pray about it.
- 35:02All right. I would see if the Lord really
- 35:05needed that to be in this podcast.
- 35:06I don't know. I don't know where I'm at with
- 35:08that. All right, I don't.
- 35:09I have survived not watching. I think what?
- 35:12They're on their third season now.
- 35:13I have survived not watching three seasons.
- 35:16I think I'm good for the rest of my life.
- 35:18But never say never, OK? You never know.
- 35:22All right, we are going to end with I have more submissions and
- 35:26I have to obviously keep some of them for the next episode.
- 35:29And please keep submitting them, keep giving them to me.
- 35:31I cannot wait. But I'm going to end by reading
- 35:36this submission and I will be giving the answer to it on the
- 35:42next episode because it goes so well with what I have been
- 35:48wanting to talk about and something that I feel is really
- 35:51important in the world we live in and the experiences I've had
- 35:55throughout my life. That this is an opinion that I
- 35:57have really strongly of. And I've contemplated not
- 36:00sharing it or sharing it because I don't ever want to hurt
- 36:04people's feelings. And my husband has told me that
- 36:07I sometimes I'm too vague in examples in some of my episodes,
- 36:13but I told him it's because I'm a worried someone is going to be
- 36:16offended by something I say. Or I'm worried that the person
- 36:19who did the thing I'm talking about is going to know I'm
- 36:22talking about them and they are going to take it personal.
- 36:26But you know what? I don't actually care anymore.
- 36:29This is my podcast. If they are offended, I mean, so
- 36:35be it. It might be something they
- 36:36needed to hear. Maybe it's something they didn't
- 36:38know that they had done or they just don't ever have to tune in
- 36:41again. OK.
- 36:43You have the choice to not listen.
- 36:45I have the choice to say how I feel.
- 36:48This is my therapy. It's free, OK?
- 36:51Just, you know, I'm doing my best over here.
- 36:54So this is it Says I had a friend of eight years.
- 36:58Always felt like I put forth more of the effort.
- 37:01She wasn't there for me through some hard times.
- 37:04Then one day I get a long text about how I'm flaky and not as
- 37:07close to her. Like, of course I'm not.
- 37:12You weren't there for me. I never responded to the text.
- 37:15I'd love to know what Hannah would have done.
- 37:17She was also, after I never responded, she blocked me on
- 37:21Instagram, but now she's liking my stuff on Facebook, so not
- 37:25sure what that means. Yeah, girl, me neither.
- 37:28But we're going to discuss it next week.