Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #57| How to Stop People Pleasing and Save Hours of Time in Three Easy Steps Without Overwhelm
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: Imagine what it would be like if you had 12 free hours of white space on your calendar to do whatever you want to do in the next couple of weeks.
- 0:08Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:20Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:25Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences, and in each episode you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life.
- 0:37Michelle Gauthier: Hello, my friend, thank you for joining.
- 0:41Michelle Gauthier: Today we're going to be talking about a combination of two of my favorite topics: people-pleasing and time management, both of which contribute pretty solidly to feeling overwhelmed.
- 0:53Michelle Gauthier: I'm going to tell you today how much time we waste when we people-please and how, with practice, you too, can stop people-pleasing and start saving time.
- 1:03Michelle Gauthier: Even if you're the biggest people-pleaser in the world and you feel like this is an impossible task for you, stick with me, I've got you covered.
- 1:11Michelle Gauthier: I'll give you some examples of where women often people-please.
- 1:15Michelle Gauthier: I'll show you how much time those can waste, and then, of course, I will teach you how to stop people-pleasing, using a method that I developed, called the love and fit method and, as always, we will wrap up with Michelle's Do Less for More Success tip.
- 1:31Michelle Gauthier: Before we dive into today's episode, I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who subscribed and rated and reviewed the show during the month of April, when we were celebrating our one-year anniversary.
- 1:41Michelle Gauthier: I hope you're wearing your cute Overwhelmed Working Woman t-shirt and feeling good, because you helped boost the show so that lots of other women can hear it and feel less overwhelmed too.
- 1:53Michelle Gauthier: So thank you for that.
- 1:55Michelle Gauthier: Okay, back to people pleasing.
- 1:56Michelle Gauthier: So last week I was working with a one-on-one client and she gave me four examples - we always talk at the beginning of a session about wins and she gave me four examples in just one week's time where she had an opportunity to people please, and in one case she almost did, but in the end she did not people please at all and instead she did what was best for her.
- 2:17Michelle Gauthier: And as we were celebrating this huge win, we went back and we speculated what her week might have looked like if she had said yes to all four of those requests, and it was really amazing to see how much time she could have spent had she said yes instead of saying no, had she done what she thought other people wanted her to do instead of what she wanted to do - the amount of time that could have been spent or wasted.
- 2:47Michelle Gauthier: So we're going to take a look at four situations where you could be right at the precipice of people-pleasing and what would happen if you do people-please and what would happen if you don't.
- 2:56Michelle Gauthier: The first one we're going to talk through is a phone call.
- 3:00Michelle Gauthier: You're getting a phone call.
- 3:01Michelle Gauthier: You really don't have time to talk and you know that the friend who's calling you is just calling you to complain or gossip.
- 3:08Michelle Gauthier: It's nothing urgent, it's just a need to vent type of call, and you really don't want to pick up or it's not a good time for you.
- 3:16Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so there's one time where you could think, "I really don't want to pick up this call, but I'm going to because she'll be upset if I don't right.
- 3:24Michelle Gauthier: That's a great opportunity for people-pleasing.
- 3:27Michelle Gauthier: A second opportunity for people-pleasing is your family asking you to be the one to host the annual Mother's Day brunch.
- 3:33Michelle Gauthier: You would probably feel pressure, especially if this is something that you often do, if you're maybe the one who hosts a lot of things and you might feel like, well, if I don't do it, who's going to do it?
- 3:45Michelle Gauthier: Or nobody's going to do as good of a job as I do.
- 3:47Michelle Gauthier: Even though I really don't want to, because I'm a mom and it's Mother's Day, I guess I feel like I should.
- 3:53Michelle Gauthier: That is a perfect opportunity for you to people- please, right?
- 3:58Michelle Gauthier: A third example is at work.
- 4:00Michelle Gauthier: You have a misunderstanding with someone who's your peer and you have this urge to tell the story, tell your side of the story to anyone and everyone, because you want to try to control what other people are thinking of you.
- 4:13Michelle Gauthier: So, instead of worrying about what other people might think, you're going to walk around and tell everybody the story and make sure that you're covered, and you're thinking that you're influencing the way that they're thinking about you, and that is people-pleasing, when you're trying to influence how people see you.
- 4:31Michelle Gauthier: Last example: your daughter doesn't want to play on a soccer team.
- 4:35Michelle Gauthier: She's done with soccer, but the other moms really want her to, because they want her on the team, or they want you to be with the soccer moms and maybe you like these moms too, and so you feel bad about leaving the team.
- 4:48Michelle Gauthier: And that's the perfect opportunity to people- please and make a decision based on what other people are thinking about you or what you perceive that they're thinking about you.
- 4:56Michelle Gauthier: So just imagine if you would have, given the opportunity to people- please or not, let's just take path A, where you people- pleased and went against what you actually wanted to do.
- 5:08Michelle Gauthier: So we're making the assumption that you want to say no to all of these things.
- 5:11Michelle Gauthier: What could have happened?
- 5:13Michelle Gauthier: So the complaining and gossip call would have taken like an hour probably.
- 5:17Michelle Gauthier: And then think of the mood hangover you get from listening to negativity without solving any problems, and that could kind of impact the rest of your day or your morning or whenever you're having this conversation.
- 5:30Michelle Gauthier: For example, you could be trying to focus on work and you keep thinking back on that conversation.
- 5:36Michelle Gauthier: So let's call that one wasted hour on the phone and maybe a two-hour hangover or mood over.
- 5:42Michelle Gauthier: Is that a thing?
- 5:45Michelle Gauthier: Then there's one where you were hosting Mother's Day.
- 5:47Michelle Gauthier: Think of the time it takes to prep shop, make the food clean the house, host all day, clean up, etc.
- 5:54Michelle Gauthier: I want to note here that if you really wanted to do this, that would be time well spent, but if you didn't want to do this, you probably will spend about 12 hours in total doing something that you don't want to do.
- 6:07Michelle Gauthier: That there's probably about four hours in that of you talking to people or you thinking about it on your drive to or from work, or when you're putting your kids to bed, going through what people could be thinking about you.
- 6:32Michelle Gauthier: And then there's this soccer team opportunity.
- 6:35Michelle Gauthier: So if you end up signing your child up for something that she doesn't actually want to do and you don't want to do either, but you're doing it because the other moms are putting pressure on you you're signing up for a season's worth of games and practices and keeping track of uniforms and bringing snacks and driving a million places, etc.
- 6:53Michelle Gauthier: So that's got to be like 50 hours, okay.
- 6:55Michelle Gauthier: So if we take all four of those examples, which are totally something that could happen in one week's time, and you said yes to all of those when you wanted to say no, we're looking at like 70 hours of time, actual time on your calendar, that's almost two work weeks of time on your calendar that's going to be taken up by either your brain thinking about these things or doing sitting at a soccer game, preparing for a brunch, talking on the phone to someone who you don't want to be talking on the phone to.
- 7:25Michelle Gauthier: Just think about that.
- 7:27Michelle Gauthier: And if you do that kind of thing every week, or even once a week over time, you just keep adding and adding and adding things that are taking up so much of your time but are not things that you actually want to do.
- 7:41Michelle Gauthier: For the next 30 days, I'm opening up coaching spots to work with me personally in a one-on-one situation.
- 7:52Michelle Gauthier: This is for you
- 7:54Michelle Gauthier: if you are a woman who wakes up in the morning already feeling exhausted, the woman who does everything for everyone all the time.
- 8:01Michelle Gauthier: If you have a stressful job that requires a ton of effort and hours but you also find yourself volunteering at your kid's school despite really not having the time to do it.
- 8:10Michelle Gauthier: Or the alternative, not volunteering but feeling really guilty about it.
- 8:13Michelle Gauthier: If you feel like you can never get to the bottom of your to-do list.
- 8:17Michelle Gauthier: Or maybe you find yourself just abruptly lashing out at your kids or your spouse because you're overworked and overwhelmed?
- 8:23Michelle Gauthier: If any of those sound like you, you are probably trapped in a cycle of overwhelm where you're struggling to manage your time, yet you keep saying yes to everything that anyone asks of you.
- 8:33Michelle Gauthier: You don't want anybody to be disappointed if you say no.
- 8:36Michelle Gauthier: Plus, if you don't do it, who will?
- 8:38Michelle Gauthier: All this only leads to more resentment, both of yourself and other people.
- 8:43Michelle Gauthier: So you might think the solution is mastering time management, like maybe getting the newest productivity app or getting a new planner, or simply cleaning out your closet or getting your house organized.
- 8:54Michelle Gauthier: All that stuff is great, but after helping 100 plus women over the past six years, I noticed that the first step - a calm mind and becoming mindful is an absolute must-do.
- 9:06Michelle Gauthier: Yet most people totally skip this.
- 9:09Michelle Gauthier: Maybe they think it's fluff.
- 9:11Michelle Gauthier: Instead, they just keep working harder and harder and I know when I was in that situation, that's exactly what I did to try to do more in an effort to feel better, and maybe that brings relief from the overwhelm for like an hour or even a day, but it's just not a permanent solution to feeling better and it's really hard to try to solve overwhelm on your own when you don't have hands-on guidance, helping you through a proven process like I've created.
- 9:34Michelle Gauthier: And that is exactly why I'm opening up my one-on-one coaching to our listeners, where I'll be with you and help you every step of the way.
- 9:42Michelle Gauthier: We'll start with that mindfulness to create a calm and clear mind.
- 9:46Michelle Gauthier: You'll learn how to say no, you'll start choosing what's best for you for once and, little by little, your life will start to feel intentional, calm, and much more peaceful.
- 9:56Michelle Gauthier: So if you are looking to enjoy your life more, including your work, and maybe you have a secret dream to quit your corporate job and replace your income with a new business or a whole new industry, or if you're looking just to be present and have fun with your family when you aren't working, or if you really want to finally put yourself first and have the courage to say no without feeling like you're letting someone down, or maybe the combination of all three of those at the same time this is totally the opportunity for you.
- 10:24Michelle Gauthier: I honestly really don't have many spots open and the price for my one-on-one coaching is going up by 25%, and that's why I'm telling you about this today, only for podcast listeners, this is the only place I'm gonna be mentioning this, you can join at the current price.
- 10:38Michelle Gauthier: The link to set up a free consultation is in the show notes.
- 10:42Michelle Gauthier: Let's solve your overwhelm together.
- 10:44Michelle Gauthier: Now, let's go back and look at all four of these situations and let's apply the simple steps to stop people pleasing, so that you can say no when you want to say no, and say it with ease and without guilt, so that you can save yourself, in this example, 70 hours of things that you don't want to do.
- 11:06Michelle Gauthier: So, as a reminder, those three steps are: number one, pause and buy yourself time if necessary so you don't respond without thinking through the situation.
- 11:16Michelle Gauthier: So, for example, if your phone's ringing and you're not sure if you want to pick up the call, remind yourself this is not an emergency.
- 11:23Michelle Gauthier: I don't have to pick this up.
- 11:25Michelle Gauthier: I can think about if I have time to talk right now and even if I miss the call, I can call the person back.
- 11:31Michelle Gauthier: A lot of times when people ask a question of us, especially if you are a deep-rooted people- pleaser and if you are, that's okay, you can totally change that but if you are, you may say yes before you even pause to think about if you want to say yes or no.
- 11:45Michelle Gauthier: You might just spit out yes as a default.
- 11:48Michelle Gauthier: So the first step is to pause.
- 11:49Michelle Gauthier: The second step is to use the love and fit test, and that is to ask yourself these two powerful questions.
- 11:56Michelle Gauthier: Number one: do I love this idea?
- 11:59Michelle Gauthier: And number two: does it fit?
- 12:01Michelle Gauthier: And the fit is *not* does it fit on my calendar?
- 12:05Michelle Gauthier: It's, does it fit with the lifestyle that I'm trying to create?
- 12:09Michelle Gauthier: So the Mother's Day brunch is a great example.
- 12:11Michelle Gauthier: Maybe if she looked at her calendar in this example, her Mother's Day would have been empty.
- 12:17Michelle Gauthier: There might have been nothing on the calendar yet, so technically it would fit on the calendar.
- 12:21Michelle Gauthier: But if you're trying to create a lifestyle where you feel relaxed and at ease instead of rushed and overwhelmed all the time, it doesn't fit for you to spend the whole entire weekend before and after the brunch getting ready for the thing.
- 12:36Michelle Gauthier: And then the third step is, if the answer turns out to say no - okay, if the answer is yes and you want to do it, great, easy, done.
- 12:42Michelle Gauthier: If the answer turns out to be no, then you just say no.
- 12:47Michelle Gauthier: You don't have to over-explain, you can keep it totally simple, and sometimes silence is awkward, but if you can just stay silent, you do not have to explain too much.
- 12:57Michelle Gauthier: So, for example, one good thing you could say if you don't want to host the brunch is actually no, I'm not going to do that this year.
- 13:04Michelle Gauthier: Period.
- 13:05Michelle Gauthier: You don't have to say I've been so busy at work I don't have enough time to do it, because every excuse that you give, every reason, whether it be true or not, that you give is opening the door for the other person to come back and say well, I could help you clean your house or we can all bring stuff to your house, or whatever.
- 13:22Michelle Gauthier: If you just simply say no, I'm not going to do this this year, there's nothing to come back for and really nothing to discuss.
- 13:29Michelle Gauthier: Remember this will feel uncomfortable, especially when you first start doing this, but it gets easier and easier and easier, and then you'll start getting the feedback of saving 70 hours in this example that we're talking about and notice how much freer your brain and your calendar feel because you're not saying yes when you actually wanna say no.
- 13:51Michelle Gauthier: Let's go ahead and apply the love and fit test to each one of these four situations, just so you can practice that step specifically.
- 13:58Michelle Gauthier: Okay, we're getting the phone call from a friend where we know the friend is probably just going to complain.
- 14:05Michelle Gauthier: Do I love the idea of doing this?
- 14:08Michelle Gauthier: No, Does it fit into the lifestyle that I'm trying to create?
- 14:13Michelle Gauthier: No, easy enough.
- 14:15Michelle Gauthier: Right?
- 14:15Michelle Gauthier: You don't really have the time.
- 14:16Michelle Gauthier: You don't really have the time and you don't really have the desire.
- 14:20Michelle Gauthier: So that one is a no.
- 14:21Michelle Gauthier: Let's do the love and fit for hosting Mother's Day.
- 14:24Michelle Gauthier: Do I love this idea?
- 14:26Michelle Gauthier: Maybe you do love the idea of hosting and you love having your family over.
- 14:30Michelle Gauthier: Maybe you don't, but let's just say you do.
- 14:33Michelle Gauthier: And then you ask the question, does this fit into the lifestyle I'm trying to create?
- 14:37Michelle Gauthier: No, like I discussed before, if the goal of your lifestyle is to feel less overwhelmed and more calm, this is not a fit.
- 14:44Michelle Gauthier: So when you have one yes, yes, I love this idea, and no, it doesn't fit into my lifestyle you can take a closer look and decide which one.
- 14:53Michelle Gauthier: Personally, I think if you're really committed to creating a new type of life where you're feeling less overwhelmed, that is the most important question.
- 15:03Michelle Gauthier: So I would say no to that one as well.
- 15:04Michelle Gauthier: In the work situation, do I love the idea of going around and talking about this situation to every single one of my co-workers so that I can try to make sure they don't think badly of me.
- 15:14Michelle Gauthier: No, does it fit into the lifestyle that I'm trying to create?
- 15:18Michelle Gauthier: No, if the lifestyle you're trying to create is one where you are working less, feeling less overwhelmed and, most importantly, caring less about what other people think of you.
- 15:28Michelle Gauthier: Because if you don't care what other people think, you're not going to waste your time going around and talking to everybody.
- 15:32Michelle Gauthier: You can just let them think what they want, and if they think something that's wrong, you can just let them be wrong about you, and that's okay.
- 15:40Michelle Gauthier: Now, as for the soccer team, do I love the idea of my daughter being on this team?
- 15:45Michelle Gauthier: Maybe you love the moms on that team and the answer is yes, I would love to hang out with them while my daughter's doing sports, but then I don't love the idea that my daughter doesn't want to do it.
- 15:55Michelle Gauthier: So maybe it's a lukewarm yes.
- 15:57Michelle Gauthier: And then, does it fit into the lifestyle that I'm trying to create for myself?
- 16:02Michelle Gauthier: Again, if you're trying to feel less overwhelmed and trying to, this would be my honest answer trying to model to my daughter that we have choices and we can make choices based on what's best for us.
- 16:15Michelle Gauthier: So if she truly doesn't want to do something and you're telling her that she has to do it because other people want her to, it's passing on the people-pleasing.
- 16:24Michelle Gauthier: So that would be a definite no for me for that reason.
- 16:28Michelle Gauthier: You think about what the answer would be for you.
- 16:30Michelle Gauthier: So, in case you haven't noticed yet, people-pleasing is a huge waste of time - literal hours wasted when you commit to something that you don't want to do.
- 16:41Michelle Gauthier: We've just talked through some examples of how often we people-please and how people-pleasing is trying to control how other people think about us, that that can be a huge waste of time, but that you can stop people-pleasing and save time by using the love and fit method.
- 16:58Michelle Gauthier: Okay, here is Michelle's do less for more success tip.
- 17:12Michelle Gauthier: The tip I have for this week is to use TaskRabbit.
- 17:16Michelle Gauthier: This is an app that a friend told me about a while ago and I decided to try it.
- 17:21Michelle Gauthier: I like to do things around my house.
- 17:23Michelle Gauthier: I can do small things, I'm fairly handy, but I needed to have a new bed put together and the old bed taken apart.
- 17:32Michelle Gauthier: That is not an impossible task for me, and especially if I get my son to help me, who's very handy, but the amount of time it probably would have taken me was a lot.
- 17:41Michelle Gauthier: So I used this TaskRabbit app.
- 17:44Michelle Gauthier: I chatted with the tasker before he showed up exactly on time.
- 17:49Michelle Gauthier: The charge was $55 an hour and I knew that up front.
- 17:52Michelle Gauthier: And in one hour time he picked up the new bed for me, brought it to the house, took apart the old bed, carried that outside because I had sold it, brought the new bed in and put the new bed together in one hour time.
- 18:06Michelle Gauthier: So I ended up paying him $55 for one hour and that task would have taken me, oh gosh, five hours.
- 18:14Michelle Gauthier: And how much is that worth?
- 18:16Michelle Gauthier: Yes, I wouldn't have had to technically pay anyone, but I'm paying in time.
- 18:21Michelle Gauthier: So you know I'm a big fan of outsourcing.
- 18:24Michelle Gauthier: This is my newest one.
- 18:25Michelle Gauthier: I've used it several times since that example too, and had really good results.
- 18:29Michelle Gauthier: Give it a try.
- 18:30Michelle Gauthier: That's a wrap for today.
- 18:32Michelle Gauthier: Have a great week.
- 18:32Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 18:40Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.
- 18:44Michelle Gauthier: com.
- 18:46Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.