Latest / Autoras de palabra con Rosa / La humorista Carmen Romero: "Mi hermano con 26 años se suicidó mientras veíamos juntos la película 'El Padrino'"

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La humorista Carmen Romero: "Mi hermano con 26 años se suicidó mientras veíamos juntos la película 'El Padrino'" · Autoras de palabra con Rosa

0:05
About 20 minutes ago Miguel went to sleep because he wasn' t feeling well.
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So I stop the movie that we had started to watch and decide to
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go see if you need anything when you open the door to your room,
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I find that Miguel is not yes. The sheets are rolled, the blind
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is raised to the top, the window is wide open and the curtains are
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loose and moved by the wind. This isn' t happening. Carmen Romero
0:30
in word authors with welcome pink. Thank you very much. As I read
0:35
it might well seem and as you describe it at first a scene from a
0:39
movie, that' s a little what you want five seconds before you find
0:45
out what' s happened. I' d like us, apart, to
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start from there, yes, the truth is, yes, I mean,
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at that point it was to get out of reality completely and for me it
0:59
was to be in a movie, but I really thought, I mean,
1:03
really believe myself I don' t know the best. I' ve gotten
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into a black hole somehow, I' m in another dimension and I'
1:11
m living something that' s not real, because of course it seemed very
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real, because I came to think of I' m asleep, I'
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m really asleep and yes, yes, I mean, for me it was
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crazy and a leaving reality completely and I couldn' t be able to reason,
1:27
feel or absolutely anything. It was like being, it was like watching
1:30
a movie, but at the same time being inside and like sometimes these are
1:38
like a dream or you' re like inside someone else' s dream or
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inside a scene that, I mean, they can' t see you,
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but you see everything, because that was totally unreal. However, for example,
1:51
Mary, Mary, your sister, is closer to that reality. No
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and I said if we don' t look out, we can extend that
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space in which we haven' t found it yet clear, still grab you
2:05
a little bit to what happened five seconds earlier. Yeah, yeah, for
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me it was, I mean, I knew perfectly well what had happened since
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the moment I entered the room. What happened was that was desperately looking for
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that not to happen a miracle. I was looking for a miracle all the
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time. Then I went to my sister, Mary, who is the oldest
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of the three, for a little bit I, too, at that moment
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became a little girl, little and a little bit the girl to say that
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someone save me, please, someone save me. Then I went to Mary
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for that, because she was the oldest, I mean, I don'
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t find her. You find him, please, because this has to end
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now. And Mary was just talking to her these days that she' s
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read the book. She was telling me that I remember, that is,
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we lived that day together and she had, like other memories other experiences.
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I say things that besides me that I got out of reality and completely dissociated
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and she didn' t. She knew what had happened, she was desperate.
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I mean, they were like two completely different worlds. How was Michael
3:08
uf He was wonderful. The truth was that it was cliché to say it,
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but to me it was the best person I' ve ever met.
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I mean, he was good or good Well, he did whatever it took
3:22
to help you, and he was funny to no longer be able to.
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He was a super joker, always, he was joking, always, he
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was looking for grace, having fun, making us, always laughing, always
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always and he was very protective and very familiar, very family, very much
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of us. I' m going to take advantage of what you said,
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that I almost had it at the end, that it was very cheerful,
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that it was very always a joke, always a joke in some way.
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You did. I' m gonna say face- to- face you took
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it from him, that part that might be the one that gets you closer
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to him. It' s like being with him from a point of view,
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I' m making it less painful than it isn' t but showing
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it. That part of his character does. I don' t know if
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I say it in the book. I don' t know if because we
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grew up together or because we really seem to be, I mean, brothers
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look a lot like each other. Then we shared a lot of things.
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But it is that, for example, with Mary, who is also our
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sister, she has as a different character. But Miguel and I were super
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alike in a lot of things. But yeah, I guess seeing him,
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to me he was always an example and he was a no I mean idol,
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but he was a reference and no follow. So maybe a lot of
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humor and making jokes and joking. I get it from him, because since
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I was a kid, I remember we were like this. The suicide Carmen
4:48
seems to you to be a taboo subject for those closest to you. Many
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times I think so. In my case, luckily, it wasn' t
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for my family, but I think society is a whole thing and for the
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family too. I mean, I know of death cases that the word suicide
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has never been spoken, that is, even in my most distant family,
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but that it has not even been spoken, that it has been left in
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the environment and that no one could say it. I mean, there is
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a very big taboo, which is a worse one than things. From my
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point of view, I believe that total not only the family, but that
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is what the environment is after that dream, that nightmare. Next, I
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guess it' s why you don' t always wonder, what leads someone
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else to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, that'
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s Miguel' s case. I think I believe and I want to think
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that and I' m pretty sure I didn' t know what I was
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doing for the state of my psychotic outbreak. But of course you wonder why
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he didn' t think otherwise, why he couldn' t do anything else,
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why he touched me. Yeah,' cause it crawls for a long
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time. You said psychotic outbreak and you also go in your book that the
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mind is also sick, that happens, that it is not something that can
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be, something tangible. I' m going to say no how can an
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arm be, a tender one also speaks of what I' m going to
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say plainly about how ill- treated it is in a psychotic outbreak. As
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far as healing is concerned, you speak for example, five days tied and
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given seems brutal to me, yes, that is. Yes, it'
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s true that yours was one thing many doctors told us that they hadn'
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t seen, that is, a brutal thing, a brutal outbreak, but
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yes, I mean. Mental health is, at least, in the case
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of Miguel. I know other cases also close and it always happens the same
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of itself is like no, it looks like it is not a wound that
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looks like no. It' s something you can measure exactly. It seems
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like it' s like nothing' s going on or we' re going
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to see, or it won' t be for so long and it'
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s not like that at all. I realized the dimensions of the mind and
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when it gets bad, and so something that can also carry family responsibility.
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Once you do give clear discharge Yes, yes. That was brutal, because
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of course we have to see each other at the moment. Then you judge
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yourself a lot and you say I shouldn' t have done this. But
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of course, a past bull is very easy. But of course I was
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wearing it. He had been in the hospital for three weeks, admitted with
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an outbreak that would come and go then and he thought we wanted to leave
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him there forever enough to get rid of him, for what he thought.
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So when you see him that well, that he' s at least untied,
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that he' s sort of responding, he goes for days and the
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doctors discharge him and he tells us that it happens that you don' t
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want to take me with you there. The reason wasn' t clear,
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of course, but it doesn' t give you time to think or not.
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No, and it can' t be your heart and it tells you
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how I won' t want to take you with us or take care of
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you. I wish, I wish, we could make you clear and make
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you clear. Well, I think it' s a good call to attention
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the two things that the mind is sick, even if we don' t
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see it and I think it' s not inflated that disease, which should
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be treated much more deeply. Totally. I then, of course, read
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a lot and researched a lot and there are a lot of psychotic outbreaks that
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for me was before as if well this thing so weird that it happens once
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and it doesn' t happen very much. There are many causes and many
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people happen and small shoots that come to heal themselves, but that becomes sprouting,
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that is, the head. Something happened there and it seems like super
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weird and very far away and it doesn' t happen that it doesn'
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t catch up with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you say,
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when you went down into the underworld. You never want to go back there,
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you don' t want to go back to the dark. I think
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it' s the clearest way to define how to feel a person. I
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think I did, I mean, I lived with him when Miguel died and
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I think that he, from what he said and from what I could feel
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him, felt exactly that And no, I mean, you know, even
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for a long time I developed fear of being like this. I mean,
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I wasn' t like that, but I was scared to be like this
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again. That that too is already like the head getting into the worst and
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if it' s horrible, I mean, I say it in the book
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too that I always said ah well, people who consciously commit suicide knowing what
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they do, I don' t know. I think they' re selfish.
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They' re not thinking, you can' t think of anything,
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I mean, how you have to be to get to that point. You
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can' t even think about yourself. Of course, you don' t
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think of anything, just who to escape and where it' s over is
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darkness, escape, deny reality and try to escape from it with respect to
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you, but where you can' t go anywhere, not the truth that
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you don' t know where you' re going then either. That'
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s why it strikes me and I find it mind- blowing that not knowing
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and the unknown seems better to you than staying and than being and that to
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endure, that is to say it' s reaching some limits that I think
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there' s always a way out of everything and I think I' m
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the test and a lot more people who have gone through the same and horrible
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things as well. But there comes a point where it becomes very complicated.
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I believe your mother, how they manage my mother, because honestly, I
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don' t know. I don' t know, I don' t
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know I' m amazed because besides, my mother hasn' t had an
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easy life since childhood and everything she' s lived has been very complicated and
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I mean, i e i e i e i the icing on the cake.
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I don' t know. I guess because of Maria and me,
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of course she always says so. I don' t have two more daughters
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and I have to pull them. But how he managed it, I don
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' t know, I don' t know, I don' t even
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know if a mother can manage that, because if I' ve been through
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it like that, I' ve been like this. I don' t
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want to think about how she has to be and besides, a clear person,
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because I, after all, am thirty- two years old who say
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good at something will still help to be this age. But, as she
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says, I don' t have my life done anymore, I already have
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must be me, I imagine it must be horrible, precisely for you.
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Of course, yes, yes, what you don' t see doesn'
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t exist candy, because I think we live in a world in which we
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are totally tied to the senses and to that, but it depends if we
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talk about language. Yes, what you don' t see doesn' t
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exist, because precisely because of what I' m telling you, we are
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very attached to the material world to what we can see or go to feel.
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So, then, if we ignore that it' s like our brain
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doesn' t exist, then it doesn' t exist. Or it exists.
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What we were talking about is very far away It' s not up
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to me I' ve met nobody So it' s very complicated. That
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' s how you used to talk about Miguel, who was a very dear
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person to many people. You saw him during the lockdown. Then, and
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I' m struck by the attention you' re saying, there' s
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nothing sorry. Not everyone deserves to be cried at. There are dead people
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who don' t hurt. Yeah, yeah, for me I' ve
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lived it that way, yeah, yeah, yeah, but there' s
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no scorn there either, but it doesn' t seem fair. There are
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people who' ve been through life just hurting. Yeah, when he dies.
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I mean, I don' t get to cry because I' m
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not gonna miss him the other way around even and I don' t want
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to sound, cold or anything. But it' s a break for me.
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It' s a break that means, there are people who die if
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they' ve just dedicated themselves to doing harm. I agree that it doesn
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' t all make sense, the meaning of life is lost or sometimes you
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haven' t even found it. Yes, yes, I, before he
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died, Miguel has always fascinated me like that, what we do here,
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where we come from, where we go when we die. He' s
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intrigued me a lot all the time, and there was a time when I
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said it' s over. Well, I' m gonna stop looking,
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that' s just when Miguel happened, of course, it was crazy to
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say I don' t understand anything anymore, I don' t know anything.
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Please, somebody tell me something to a clue why he' s gone,
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because I have to stay that nose something here all that and then I
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stopped caring absolutely everything. And it' s a very, very big topic
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and very much with many edges, because I, for example, have an
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explanation now that it gives me peace, but I talk to another person who
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totally believes the opposite and also gives him peace. And I say, then,
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that perhaps there is no reason to seek such meaning from life either.
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If you say I' m not passing and that' s it and what
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I do here I do it and I leave my memory if ready, then
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it seems perfect to me. I think that yes, that there is something
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else and that this is not of this world, it is not all that
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there is and that when we die we do not disappear and it gives me
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peace, then it seems to me that we still look very much for the
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meaning of life and we get lost looking to get to understand that we are
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here for something. I think it' s for something. I mean,
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I think it' s about something, but we' re never gonna know,
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because that' s also what you said not crying for you was like
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getting naked. Yeah, I think sometimes you don' t need to cry
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physically you' re crying otherwise. You don' t externalize it. Yes,
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yes, yes, totally, that is, there is also a lot
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of cultural and social about crying. So I think maybe that' s why
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I was repressed a lot more. But if you realize, if we look
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a little bit more at the person and if we don' t react just
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ah he' s crying. She' s sad. There' s not
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a lot more signs that you' re crying or not, and now how
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strong it is, it doesn' t totally forgive. That' s one
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thing that keeps surprising me today that it' s like white or black are
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what it is. He' s not crying He' s not hurt by
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this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, or you' re too strong.
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Sure, it' s very strong. You can do it all the time.
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When I decided to put up a stage for you, it was in
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two thousand nineteen, when I had already been making videos on the Internet for
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a couple of years, and well, I uploaded a video that about Andalusian
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topics that angered a lot of Andalusians and paid you a lot. They insulted
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me a lot, threw me to death. It was crazy and thought about
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it. I' d always had the stage as a depa thing. I
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' m not gonna be able to get on a stage. I' d
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love to. It' s one thing that would fascinate me, but I
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don' t think I can then I won' t even try. But
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after having such a hard time with that video I said listen this can'
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t be worse to get on a stage. And if this has already happened,
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I say I' m going to prove that I completely took the fear
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away, the stage fear. Yeah, total, total and I saw and
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I went up and I just did one of the first five minutes I had
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of what had happened to Miguel and it was also and I spent it too
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and it was a unique experience that I said bua this, this is my
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drug. I guess you' d say people would disagree, because, of
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course, I mean criticize if critical, everything yes, yes, yes,
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all this you say, but to get on a stage of not yes to
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see when you have suffered a misfortune. Yes, society, or ninety percent
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of society, by condition you have to be wrong to say. And if
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you' re not bad, you' re not feeling bad enough. What
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happened is all right. If it' s been yesterday or four years from
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now, it doesn' t matter. Yeah, then, once you get
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on stage. And besides, from the point of view of humor, I
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suppose there will be people who will have said yes, a lot, a
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lot today still Yes, yes, yes, yes. From there, but
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you don' t think you disrespect your brother there are, but what silly
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conventions. If you think about it, we have it in our heads to
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start with, I would never think of telling that to a person who talks
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about his experience of what happened to him. Do her as you like,
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and as best you can do enough with what you' ve got and you
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' re managing it as best you know. But if they did tell me
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ur you would get very bad with him, not to laugh at him.
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That' s why of course, yes, yes, it' s just
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that it' s something, that you don' t cry, that it
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' s not sad, that it' s humorous, that it' s
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mocking, it' s laughing, no, no, I mean, we
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have to get out of there And and above all I think it' s
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respect and caution and care, because until you go through something, you don
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' t know what' s right. It' s very easy to judge
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from outside that it should be like that or it should be op be.
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We are prepared to accompany someone in the face of pain. It' s
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complicated. I think more and more and I think there' s a pretty
18:23
big change going on, both mental and psychological and emotional issues. We'
18:29
re opening up a little bit, but it' s still complicated. Yeah,
18:33
yeah, yeah, and that' s another subject that fascinated me because
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I was saying, oh, why I get so nervous when someone cries and
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I want to and they always say don' t cry, don' t
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cry, of course because it' s very uncomfortable and because we' re
18:48
not used to managing pain, not talking about pain, not opening up or
18:48
anything. So, just what you don' t talk about isn' t
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like it doesn' t exist. He can' t be here anymore.
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We' re never bad and when you' re bad, you try to
19:00
avoid it and pretend and there' s nothing going on. And I think
19:03
it' s necessary to stand up and realize that we' re all wrong,
19:08
that we' re all affected by things, each and every one of
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us in a way, but that the human being is that that affects things
19:15
and that you' re wrong. Of course, if we' re not
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living creatures. Yeah, and it' s awkward it costs me to think
19:23
about it, it cost me time. But now, I say Jolin,
19:27
is that this is already comfortable. When someone cries with me and I say
19:30
look, he has the confidence to open up he takes out what you have
19:34
to get out and he cries what you have to cry, that will happen
19:38
to him, because besides this little one they teach us not to cry.
19:40
Sure, yeah, and let' s not say if you' re a
19:44
man anymore, at least a few years ago that' s a look.
19:48
Well Miguel did, because Miguel was more emotional, I did see him and
19:51
because he had a lot of confidence with me and if I' ve seen
19:52
him cry. But I' ve seen very few men cry and I don
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' t think they don' t cry. I don' t think they
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' re ready to cry and they don' t have tears and I don
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' t think it leads you to write this book, because I think the
20:11
need is a lot. On the one hand, the need to talk about
20:14
Miguel, to keep him in mind in some way after explaining his story,
20:21
that I think you can learn enough already I believe what happened to him and
20:26
the whole subject of the hospital, the psychotic outbreak or all about suicide,
20:33
that it seems super important to me that we do not talk enough and that
20:38
we are not open to this subject yet enough. And then give him a
20:45
touch of humor to say for myself too to say good if I' m
20:48
still here and if I' ve been through this and humor has served me,
20:53
because I' m going to show him if someone else helps you or
20:57
serves him you said if you' re still here, you also talk in
21:00
your hard that came a time you made two decisions. You had to make
21:03
decisions, go to therapy and stop seeing yourself as a victim. You didn
21:06
' t have to change your attitude. But it is that, besides feeling
21:08
like a victim, I understand again to society that feeling of guilt and that,
21:14
somehow in that responsibility for something that had happened, you also feel totally
21:18
guilty and for a very long time and today still today I am surprised saying
21:25
that I could not have done something more a few days and in fact,
21:30
the first thing that I said to my mother when I saw her because she
21:32
was already working, is sorry, forgive me and already told me, but
21:36
why did you do, because I have not prevented this from happening how could
21:41
you avoid it? Well, I couldn' t help it. But you
21:44
feel guilty for a long time, of course, and you haven' t
21:48
seen those. I don' t know if signs and Michael God, signs,
21:52
but of course I think about it and what I could have done trying
21:56
to tie up a guy who was six feet tall who would bend my body
22:00
and not live. Of course you couldn' t have it that way either.
22:03
I mean, it can' t be controlled, you can' t
22:06
control other people, but it' s very, very, very difficult to
22:10
take that guilt away from you. This isn' t happening right now.
22:12
I imagine this has happened now at last. Yes, yes, the book
22:18
has helped me a lot. It' s been like a second reprocessing everything
22:25
and seeing it from a different perspective. And yes. I think it'
22:29
s cost me a lot already, but, well, as much as I
22:33
can imagine. I don' t suppose I' ll catch up to that
22:37
much, but I guess I will. There are people who tell me that
22:38
as I think Miguel is like I think, that we don' t die
22:45
when we die and that the body just left it behind and that we'
22:48
re more than just a body, like they don' t tell me,
22:52
but they make me understand that I still haven' t gotten over Miguel'
22:53
s death. Yeah, I think so I think it' s the other
23:00
way around, because that helps me stay here. Well, memories, as
23:03
you say, don' t erase, they just fade. You need to
23:07
grab something just to stay here. For me, yes, it seems like
23:10
an act of courage to me what you have done. First, because it
23:12
must have cost you a lot to write it down. Secondly, for how
23:17
we feel about someone who has committed suicide. We say you take a person
23:21
to do this and third for your family, for yourself. So now you
23:25
' re slinging thank you so much. Thank you very much.