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Feel Like Yourself Again, Without Those You Love Suffering · Your Utmost Life

• 0:00
  Misty Celli: There's a fear I don't think you've said out loud to anyone.
• 0:03
  Misty Celli: It's not because the fear is shameful, it's because it's terrifying to look at directly.
• 0:08
  Misty Celli: What if you actually find her?
• 0:11
  Misty Celli: Imagine that you put in the effort and she shows up again, but she doesn't fit with the life that you've built.
• 0:17
  Misty Celli: And what will the people who love the version of you that looks after everything do when they meet the version of you that just is?
• 0:25
  Misty Celli: We are going to give a name to that fear, since I don't think it's irrational.
• 0:30
  Misty Celli: But at the same time, I would like you to see and understand that even if the fear is real, the result is not based on truth.
• 0:39
  Misty Celli: Returning to yourself does not mean that you lose the people you love.
• 0:44
  Misty Celli: It's not that kind of return.
• 0:46
  Misty Celli: If you're an ambitious mother who feels like you're living for everyone else and you catch yourself thinking, is this all there is?
• 0:51
  Misty Celli: Then you've come to the right place.
• 0:53
  Misty Celli: You were never meant to disappear into your roles, but somewhere between everyone's needs and everyone's expectations, you became invisible, disconnected, and living on autopilot.
• 1:02
  Misty Celli: So present, self-led and decisive in six weeks.
• 1:05
  Misty Celli: Coming home to who you've always been, and following this identity based and feel like yourself again six weeks series.
• 1:12
  Misty Celli: Reclaim who you are.
• 1:14
  Misty Celli: Design a life that's fully and intentionally yours, and show up every day as the utmost money of always win.
• 1:20
  Misty Celli: Not just for everyone else, but finally fully for yourself.
• 1:23
  Misty Celli: This is where you begin the process of returning to your utmost self.
• 1:27
  Misty Celli: Not by accident, not by obligation, but by design.
• 1:30
  Misty Celli: Welcome to your utmost life podcast.
• 1:32
  Misty Celli: I'm Misty, Identity and Self-Leadership Coach for Ambitious Mothers.
• 1:36
  Misty Celli: When we discussed time last week, we said that when someone says I don't have time, it's not actually about the number of minutes.
• 1:43
  Misty Celli: If you've already begun to set aside a small amount of your own time since then, please know that I am proud of you.
• 1:49
  Misty Celli: If you haven't yet, no worries.
• 1:51
  Misty Celli: Go back and listen to the previous episode to discover why it's important and the small step to begin.
• 1:58
  Misty Celli: But I think there's something even bigger behind everything we've talked about so far in this series.
• 2:03
  Misty Celli: Something we haven't said out loud yet.
• 2:05
  Misty Celli: So let's just say it clearly right now.
• 2:08
  Misty Celli: Some part of you is afraid that should you actually return, if the woman underneath all of these roles actually shows back up fully, she might not be a good fit.
• 2:19
  Misty Celli: Perhaps the family you've created, the marriage you're in, and the life that you have spent years building have all been based on the version of you who has been looking after everything.
• 2:29
  Misty Celli: And a small frightened part of you asks itself, what if more of me would be too much for the life I currently have to handle?
• 2:37
  Misty Celli: Let me be clear, I do not consider that fear to be silly or dramatic.
• 2:41
  Misty Celli: In fact, I believe it might be the most reasonable fear that a woman in your situation could have.
• 2:46
  Misty Celli: And I want to explain why, since I think your fear isn't coming out of nowhere.
• 2:50
  Misty Celli: Yes, your husband did fall in love with a woman, but he has also spent many years living with a wife who looks after the home, who is always ready to adapt, and who seldom asks for much.
• 3:02
  Misty Celli: Your children have grown up seeing a mother who is always there for everything and who doesn't take up a lot of space, having her own needs.
• 3:09
  Misty Celli: That isn't a flaw in them.
• 3:10
  Misty Celli: It's simply what they're used to and what they know.
• 3:13
  Misty Celli: Therefore, some part of you is doing the math.
• 3:16
  Misty Celli: If I make a change, will the mass on which they've based their expectations still hold?
• 3:23
  Misty Celli: It's not paranoia, it's pattern recognition.
• 3:26
  Misty Celli: You've seen how relationships can change when someone starts acting differently.
• 3:31
  Misty Celli: For example, when a friend starts saying no or a coworker stops overfunctioning, you've seen how uncomfortable everyone else becomes at first.
• 3:39
  Misty Celli: So of course, it's no surprise that some part of you starts to wonder whether that kind of discomfort might happen to you too.
• 3:46
  Misty Celli: What I believe this fear has actually been doing all along in a quiet way is that it hasn't simply been lying around harmless.
• 3:54
  Misty Celli: It has been running the show behind almost every decision to remain small.
• 3:58
  Misty Celli: Each and every time you've formed an opinion and restrained yourself in order to maintain peace.
• 4:03
  Misty Celli: Each and every time you've wanted something and downgraded that desire before you even said it out loud, just to be safe.
• 4:10
  Misty Celli: Every time you've sensed a flicker of the old you trying to make its way back to the surface and have then talked yourself out of it, telling yourself it wasn't worth the disruption.
• 4:20
  Misty Celli: That fear has acted as a silent designer behind many of the decisions that you probably never even realized were decisions.
• 4:28
  Misty Celli: In my opinion, you've paid the price for that, not in some dramatic and obvious manner, but in a more subtle way, through a marriage that functions well yet doesn't really feel close to you.
• 4:38
  Misty Celli: You have children who know what you do, although they might not fully understand who you are.
• 4:44
  Misty Celli: A sense of security that is in fact just distance, disguised as harmony.
• 4:49
  Misty Celli: Therefore, before we go any further, I want to promise you something.
• 4:53
  Misty Celli: This is not that kind of return we're talking about.
• 4:56
  Misty Celli: What's coming next doesn't ask you to risk what you've already built.
• 5:01
  Misty Celli: Instead, it asks you to finally believe that what you've built is strong enough to hold the entire you.
• 5:08
  Misty Celli: Because I don't believe it's as fragile as the fear has made you think it is.
• 5:14
  Misty Celli: What I believe you've been misunderstanding is simple to get wrong since no one's ever told you so clearly before.
• 5:19
  Misty Celli: You aren't turning into a different person.
• 5:21
  Misty Celli: You're going back to the person that you have always been underneath all of those roles.
• 5:26
  Misty Celli: The woman who was there before any of those roles begin to accumulate, who is still here now, merely drowned out by the noises of the life that you've been surrounded by.
• 5:35
  Misty Celli: Before we go any further, I want you to actually listen for her.
• 5:38
  Misty Celli: Not think about her, but hear her right now, for real.
• 5:42
  Misty Celli: Pick three words, only three.
• 5:44
  Misty Celli: Not mom, not wife, not anything that comes with a job description attached.
• 5:49
  Misty Celli: Three words that are simply true of the person that you are beneath all of the roles.
• 5:53
  Misty Celli: Words that were true of you before any of your responsibilities came into being.
• 5:57
  Misty Celli: They still apply to you today, even if people haven't noticed recently.
• 6:01
  Misty Celli: If you're having some trouble, here are some words to help you get started.
• 6:05
  Misty Celli: Creative, resilient, joyful, curious, loyal, honest, compassionate, energetic, determined, adventurous.
• 6:14
  Misty Celli: Let any that simply feel right emerge for you.
• 6:17
  Misty Celli: Have you got them?
• 6:19
  Misty Celli: Good.
• 6:20
  Misty Celli: Say to yourself out loud right now, in the present moment, even if it seems odd, the following.
• 6:29
  Misty Celli: And I get to show a poll today.
• 6:32
  Misty Celli: Those words are your real desires.
• 6:35
  Misty Celli: That's how you move forward.
• 6:36
  Misty Celli: This is your true self expressed rather than being held back.
• 6:40
  Misty Celli: That's the part of yourself that you've been missing.
• 6:43
  Misty Celli: She's not gone.
• 6:44
  Misty Celli: You've just heard her.
• 6:45
  Misty Celli: Now, this is where things become serious.
• 6:48
  Misty Celli: I don't want you to just have a pleasant experience while you're listening to a podcast.
• 6:52
  Misty Celli: I want you to put it to the test.
• 6:54
  Misty Celli: There's going to be somewhere today, a simple, ordinary, everyday moment, perhaps a conversation with your husband, a text message from your child, or phone call with your mom.
• 7:03
  Misty Celli: It's not going to be anything special, but I'd like you to include those three words in that one moment.
• 7:09
  Misty Celli: You don't need to assume a completely new personality.
• 7:12
  Misty Celli: Just a bit more of the truth that you just voiced out loud.
• 7:16
  Misty Celli: And it's easy to try out in one place.
• 7:18
  Misty Celli: When you're doing this, keep an eye out for the following.
• 7:21
  Misty Celli: There may indeed be a brief feeling of discomfort the first time you show up completely different.
• 7:26
  Misty Celli: It can seem strange to everybody, including you, and that is completely normal.
• 7:30
  Misty Celli: However, what I noticed over and over is that this discomfort genuinely disappears and is replaced by a deeper kind of connection than there was before.
• 7:39
  Misty Celli: Your home doesn't become louder or more difficult when a bit more of you shows up in it.
• 7:44
  Misty Celli: On the contrary, it becomes calmer since you're no longer carrying tension that no one can put a name to.
• 7:50
  Misty Celli: Your family doesn't suffer in any way when you are more present.
• 7:54
  Misty Celli: Instead, they get a version of you that is actually there and can be honest with because you finally begin to be honest with yourself.
• 8:01
  Misty Celli: That is the entire point for today.
• 8:04
  Misty Celli: One sentence, one moment.
• 8:06
  Misty Celli: See what it blesses rather than what it costs.
• 8:09
  Misty Celli: I want to share with you a particular moment which I still think about.
• 8:13
  Misty Celli: Since this was the instance when I first put this idea to the test, before I had any way of describing it, before I understood that it was a reframe or a belief shift.
• 8:22
  Misty Celli: At the time, I simply knew that I had something genuine and I had to make up my mind whether to share it with him or to keep it small and safe.
• 8:29
  Misty Celli: One day, as I drove to my real estate appointments, I found myself reflecting on how far I had come, on the marriage that had barely stayed together, on the version of me who sat at the red light with tears streaming down her face, thinking that she was no longer valuable.
• 8:43
  Misty Celli: And at some point during that drive, it occurred to me that I wasn't the only one.
• 8:47
  Misty Celli: There was other women sitting at their own red lights, convinced that the woman they had once been was now completely gone.
• 8:54
  Misty Celli: I realized that I had to do something and this wasn't just my own story.
• 8:58
  Misty Celli: That night I went home and I told my husband everything, the entire vision, all the things I worried that would be too much, half believing that it might be too different from the version of me that he was used to having around.
• 9:10
  Misty Celli: For three hours we were in the bathroom, with him sitting on the edge of the tub and me on the counter.
• 9:16
  Misty Celli: I didn't reduce myself to something smaller or safer.
• 9:19
  Misty Celli: I was wide-eyed, full of excitement, and sharing this really big vision.
• 9:23
  Misty Celli: It was on that night that your utmost self came into being.
• 9:27
  Misty Celli: Not because I had finally had a good enough plan, but because I had finally stopped hiding the extent of what I wanted.
• 9:33
  Misty Celli: I was sharing it all with the person closest to me and letting him see the entirety of it all at once.
• 9:39
  Misty Celli: I want to be honest with you, part of me had expected a completely different response.
• 9:44
  Misty Celli: For years, part of me had been the one who was flexible and manageable and had an old fear that had made me think that all of this all at once might be too much.
• 9:54
  Misty Celli: But it wasn't.
• 9:55
  Misty Celli: Twelve years on, that night is still something we refer to.
• 9:59
  Misty Celli: Our marriage, although it had already gone through its own quiet and difficult seasons, did not become more unstable since I showed up bigger that night.
• 10:08
  Misty Celli: On the contrary, it grew stronger.
• 10:10
  Misty Celli: Because for the first time in a long time, he wasn't just living next to the manager of the household.
• 10:16
  Misty Celli: He was actually experiencing the whole woman.
• 10:19
  Misty Celli: That's the entire proof right there.
• 10:21
  Misty Celli: I didn't lose him because I finally expressed myself fully out loud.
• 10:25
  Misty Celli: Instead, I realized that he had been waiting for her all along.
• 10:29
  Misty Celli: There is a question sitting underneath everything that I just asked you to do.
• 10:33
  Misty Celli: What if I do, in fact, find myself and the person I am doesn't match the life I currently have?
• 10:39
  Misty Celli: I'm not going to tell you that your fear is irrational because it isn't.
• 10:43
  Misty Celli: It comes from somewhere real.
• 10:44
  Misty Celli: You have built up this life, this family, these relationships all around a version of yourself that has been looking after and managing everything for a very long time.
• 10:54
  Misty Celli: So naturally, some part of you wonders what would happen if that version of yourself changed.
• 10:59
  Misty Celli: However, I believe there is another fear.
• 11:02
  Misty Celli: I think the real one is more subtle and much more difficult to acknowledge.
• 11:07
  Misty Celli: What if I allow myself to be fully seen and it turns out badly?
• 11:11
  Misty Celli: That isn't the same question.
• 11:13
  Misty Celli: Will they accept me is one that concerns them.
• 11:16
  Misty Celli: While will I allow myself to exist fully in my own life is one that concerns you.
• 11:22
  Misty Celli: And I believe that that is the one that you've actually been avoiding because it's so much more vulnerable than worrying about other people's reactions.
• 11:31
  Misty Celli: Here's what that actually means.
• 11:33
  Misty Celli: You haven't been protecting your marriage or your family all this time.
• 11:37
  Misty Celli: Not really.
• 11:38
  Misty Celli: You've been protecting yourself, avoiding being fully known, fully visible, and fully seen.
• 11:43
  Misty Celli: That isn't a character flaw or weakness.
• 11:46
  Misty Celli: It takes real courage to acknowledge and admit that, but it's also not the truth about what your family actually needs from you.
• 11:53
  Misty Celli: So what I'd like you to keep in mind is this.
• 11:56
  Misty Celli: You won't lose the right people, and the right people will welcome your return.
• 12:00
  Misty Celli: And I know that raises a few more questions, so let's just talk through them the way we would if we were chit-chatting over coffee.
• 12:07
  Misty Celli: What if my family gets a little confused or pushes back at first?
• 12:10
  Misty Celli: Well, truthfully, a few of them might.
• 12:12
  Misty Celli: But it's not because they're rejecting you, it's because they're getting used to the change.
• 12:17
  Misty Celli: They've known one version of you for a very long time, and any real change, even a positive one, takes people a while to get used to.
• 12:25
  Misty Celli: That doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong.
• 12:27
  Misty Celli: It's simply what adjustment entails.
• 12:29
  Misty Celli: Rather than retreat and make it easier for them, stay steady and keep your composure.
• 12:34
  Misty Celli: And most of that resistance will disappear much faster than you'd expect.
• 12:38
  Misty Celli: What about beyond today?
• 12:39
  Misty Celli: What do I actually do with this?
• 12:42
  Misty Celli: Three words said once is a real moment.
• 12:46
  Misty Celli: You experienced her briefly today, but a passing moment isn't the same as a practice.
• 12:51
  Misty Celli: What actually holds it over time is putting it in writing somewhere in your own words so you can refer to it on the difficult days when the old identity tries to return.
• 13:01
  Misty Celli: How do you prevent this from fading by next week?
• 13:04
  Misty Celli: Honestly, it's not sheaved through sheer determination, but by having something concrete to return to.
• 13:28
  Misty Celli: They don't need to cope with it or make adjustments to it.
• 13:31
  Misty Celli: In fact, your identity provides stability.
• 13:34
  Misty Celli: It's what finally gives your family a firm foundation rather than a woman who is merely running on autopilot and trying to be everything to everyone.
• 13:41
  Misty Celli: Not only that, but your identity is also magnetic.
• 13:45
  Misty Celli: People are attracted to a woman who knows who she is, not put off by her.
• 13:49
  Misty Celli: Your identity is the transformation that your entire life has quietly been waiting for, even if nobody in it could say so out loud.
• 13:58
  Misty Celli: I want you to say this out loud with me right now, wherever you are.
• 14:02
  Misty Celli: I won't lose the right people.
• 14:04
  Misty Celli: The right people will welcome my return.
• 14:07
  Misty Celli: That isn't a hope, nor is it wishful thinking.
• 14:10
  Misty Celli: This is exactly what takes place again and again when a woman stops performing and begins instead to actually live as herself.
• 14:18
  Misty Celli: This is the moment I want you to feel able to say, okay, I think I can do this.
• 14:23
  Misty Celli: You just felt the click right there in that single sentence today.
• 14:27
  Misty Celli: One small moment you felt what it's like to be a little more yourself rather than losing something.
• 14:33
  Misty Celli: Something became a little bit more honest and you became a little bit more whole.
• 14:37
  Misty Celli: That is more than nothing.
• 14:38
  Misty Celli: It is evidence.
• 14:39
  Misty Celli: Yet a feeling on its own will fade by Thursday unless you find a place for it.
• 14:43
  Misty Celli: So go to yourutmost.com forward slash starter and download the identity reset starter toolkit.
• 14:50
  Misty Celli: It's where you will actually draft this fully.
• 14:52
  Misty Celli: Your real identity blueprint in your own words, plus a short script you can use today, the next time one of those family moments shows up and you need the right words ready instead of scrambling for them in the moment.
• 15:03
  Misty Celli: If this episode gave you the click, please leave a review.
• 15:07
  Misty Celli: It's how the next woman finds this show.
• 15:09
  Misty Celli: And if a name came to mind while you were listening, someone who needs to hear that becoming more herself won't cost her the people she loves, send her this episode.
• 15:17
  Misty Celli: Next week we're talking about the belief that might be quietly running underneath everything else in your life right now, that focusing on yourself even a little means taking something away from the people who need you.
• 15:28
  Misty Celli: Here's what the research actually shows.
• 15:30
  Misty Celli: The people who show up best for others aren't the ones who give until they're empty.
• 15:34
  Misty Celli: They're the ones with real boundaries.
• 15:36
  Misty Celli: Because a woman who's depleted has nothing else to give.
• 15:39
  Misty Celli: You cannot pour out what you don't have.
• 15:42
  Misty Celli: Next week isn't more theory.
• 15:44
  Misty Celli: It's one small doable thing you can actually try.
• 15:47
  Misty Celli: One supportive act, one small boundary, so you can watch in real time what it does for your family instead of just hearing me tell you.
• 15:55
  Misty Celli: Until then, go to yourutmost.com forward slash starter and put your own name on the calendar first, just once and see what happens.
• 16:03
  Misty Celli: You are more than everyone's everything.
• 16:06
  Misty Celli: You are someone.