Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / Famously Available And Looking For Love with DeAnna Pappas

Transcript

Famously Available And Looking For Love with DeAnna Pappas · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

0:00
Speaker 1: iHeart Podcasts bring you the Ultimate Summer of Love Tree.
0:04
Speaker 1: This is famously available. Deanna Poppus. She did find love
0:10
Speaker 1: in two thousand and eight when she was the bachelorette,
0:12
Speaker 1: but it didn't quite stick. Then, through a Bachelor Nation connection,
0:18
Speaker 1: she fell in love, married, had children, and was living
0:23
Speaker 1: the dream. But this wasn't the happily ever after she wanted.
0:30
Speaker 1: So it's time for her story to continue. Deanna. Our
0:34
Speaker 1: listeners know you, they're familiar with you, they probably love you.
0:39
Speaker 1: That's my assumption here. But we are sitting here today
0:42
Speaker 1: talking about something very different than what they know you
0:46
Speaker 1: from before. So let's start this thing by giving our
0:50
Speaker 1: listeners an update, catching them up here a little bit,
0:55
Speaker 1: and then maybe sharing how in the world we got
0:57
Speaker 1: here today.
0:59
Speaker 2: Is it really that different, Ben? Is it really that
1:01
Speaker 2: different than how your listeners might know who I am
1:04
Speaker 2: where they know I'm from.
1:06
Speaker 1: It's really it all comes back around.
1:07
Speaker 2: It's really you're just a different host than what I
1:09
Speaker 2: had seventeen.
1:10
Speaker 1: Years ago, very much not as charismatic or as handsome.
1:15
Speaker 1: But I'll tell you this, if I can be Chris
1:17
Speaker 1: Harrison's C team, I'll take it.
1:20
Speaker 2: I hear you're as equally as good as a golfer.
1:25
Speaker 1: That's true. Let's say that publicly. I hope he listens.
1:28
Speaker 2: I'll text Harrison after this and let him know.
1:30
Speaker 1: Please do. Let's see.
1:33
Speaker 2: You knew me many years ago as this young, naive
1:39
Speaker 2: Southern bale who was looking to find her happily ever after,
1:43
Speaker 2: and here she is, She's back, still looking for that
1:47
Speaker 2: one true love.
1:49
Speaker 1: It's interesting because what we're attempting to do here, I
1:54
Speaker 1: think is so fun, and I think that's the point
1:58
Speaker 1: of the concept that we're entering into together. Really, this
2:02
Speaker 1: is the first time we're trying it and hopefully the
2:05
Speaker 1: first of many seasons to come. But famously Available is
2:13
Speaker 1: supposed to be fun. Let's start this conversation with some
2:18
Speaker 1: things that aren't fun. Obviously. People know you from some
2:22
Speaker 1: headlines recently about a breakup slash divorce. How are you
2:29
Speaker 1: healing as you walk through this process, especially in the
2:33
Speaker 1: public eye, because you have been in the public eye before,
2:37
Speaker 1: but now it's been a few years and you're going
2:41
Speaker 1: through this breakup in the public sphere when social media
2:46
Speaker 1: is very much more prevalent than it used to be,
2:49
Speaker 1: and opinions are very much louder than they used to
2:51
Speaker 1: be how are you doing through this time?
2:57
Speaker 2: There's a saying that you take it day by day,
3:00
Speaker 2: and sometimes I'm taking it hour by hour. I think
3:03
Speaker 2: the unique thing that I have is that most people
3:07
Speaker 2: get to go through a relationship or get divorced and
3:12
Speaker 2: they don't have to really allow anyone else to be
3:16
Speaker 2: a part of that. And so that has been a
3:20
Speaker 2: bit of a learning experience for me because I very
3:24
Speaker 2: much want to protect my children. Everything lives on the internet.
3:29
Speaker 2: You know, back when I was on television, Listen Ben,
3:32
Speaker 2: it's on a DVD. There's a lot of clips that
3:34
Speaker 2: you can't find anymore. So I feel like I have
3:36
Speaker 2: some serenity there and some peace of mind. But everything
3:40
Speaker 2: lives on the internet. So I am very careful what
3:44
Speaker 2: I say, what I share for the sake of my children,
3:47
Speaker 2: and I have said it from the get go that
3:49
Speaker 2: my children get to love me and they get to
3:53
Speaker 2: love their father, and that's what they deserve. They don't
3:57
Speaker 2: need to hear the in the depths of what went
4:01
Speaker 2: on in our marriage and why it didn't work. That's
4:03
Speaker 2: not what my children deserve. So yeah, it's been trying.
4:08
Speaker 2: I am divorced. I'm very much single, I have not
4:11
Speaker 2: dated a lot since getting divorced, and most of that
4:15
Speaker 2: is just because I truly wanted to focus on myself,
4:17
Speaker 2: and I wanted to focus on my children, and I
4:19
Speaker 2: wanted to make sure that the transition was okay for
4:22
Speaker 2: the two of them. The interesting thing about divorce, and
4:28
Speaker 2: something that I have had to learn, is that when
4:32
Speaker 2: you get married, you work so hard to become one.
4:34
Speaker 2: There's this whole and I'm a Christian, I'm very open
4:37
Speaker 2: about that, but there's this whole thing where people tell
4:39
Speaker 2: you, you know.
4:40
Speaker 1: You've become one.
4:41
Speaker 2: You become one in this relationship, you no longer operate
4:44
Speaker 2: us two, and then overnight you are expected to be
4:47
Speaker 2: two again. You love someone, and you spend so many
4:50
Speaker 2: years loving someone so much, and then it is no joke,
4:54
Speaker 2: like overnight, you don't know this person anymore. I wish
4:59
Speaker 2: it was a dreams scenario. I so admire those people
5:02
Speaker 2: who are like, yeah, we're still best friends. For the
5:04
Speaker 2: sake of the kids, we hang out, our new spouses
5:07
Speaker 2: hang out. I admire people like that. That is not
5:12
Speaker 2: my situation. So I am navigating it day by day
5:15
Speaker 2: and trying to remember that I have children who are
5:19
Speaker 2: walking through this and I just want to be the
5:20
Speaker 2: best version of myself. That's all that I want. And
5:23
Speaker 2: a really good lesson for me during this period of
5:26
Speaker 2: time is just, you know, I can only take responsibility
5:29
Speaker 2: for myself and the things that I do and say,
5:32
Speaker 2: and everything else has to be silenced and pushed away
5:34
Speaker 2: because I can't control anyone else. I can't control you, Ben,
5:37
Speaker 2: I can't control anyone else. I can only control what
5:40
Speaker 2: I do and how I respond and how I react.
5:43
Speaker 2: So divorce has not been easy for me, and some
5:47
Speaker 2: of the situations that have occurred since have been really difficult.
5:50
Speaker 2: And I wish that I could be a person that
5:54
Speaker 2: could go through this privately, but that's not my life.
5:58
Speaker 2: And I believe that I have a new disrespect for
6:03
Speaker 2: tabloids who take headlines as a clickbait, or even the
6:10
Speaker 2: many people who have spoke on it or have had
6:12
Speaker 2: comments on it since, because I guarantee you, no one
6:15
Speaker 2: knows the truth of the matter other than the two
6:17
Speaker 2: people that were there, and I'm one of those. So
6:19
Speaker 2: I find that fascinating the amount of people who will
6:23
Speaker 2: comment on myself or my marriage or anything that went
6:28
Speaker 2: on when really truly no one was there. So I
6:32
Speaker 2: have had to come to a space that I don't
6:35
Speaker 2: truly understand, and nor do I care anyone else's opinion.
6:40
Speaker 2: You are married Ben, and you know that there's his truth,
6:44
Speaker 2: her truth, and the truth. There's always three sides to
6:46
Speaker 2: every story, and no one should have a seat at
6:50
Speaker 2: the table in your marriage. No one should have a seat.
6:53
Speaker 1: Obviously, this whole concept that we're entering into is about
6:57
Speaker 1: moving forward, But I do want to spend a second
7:00
Speaker 1: here and still continue kind of in the space we're
7:03
Speaker 1: talking about right now. You have gone through divorce, you
7:07
Speaker 1: do have kids you want, and I think it's a
7:11
Speaker 1: terrific mindset to protect the kids and to make sure
7:16
Speaker 1: that they can love you and their father well. But
7:19
Speaker 1: I've always been curious about this personally. I don't think
7:23
Speaker 1: there's a user manual for how to walk through divorce,
7:27
Speaker 1: and I think there are a lot of opinions, you know,
7:32
Speaker 1: from the outside probably as you go through this process.
7:37
Speaker 1: So who have you leaned on, Who has been a
7:39
Speaker 1: part of that circle that you've entrusted to help sit
7:44
Speaker 1: with you when you're feeling great, to sit with you
7:48
Speaker 1: when you're mourning and feeling lonely, to cry with you,
7:52
Speaker 1: and to also hold you accountable as you try to
7:55
Speaker 1: make these decisions on should you speak out publicly on
7:58
Speaker 1: this or should you stay quiet, just all the stuff
8:01
Speaker 1: that happens when you go through this in the public eye.
8:03
Speaker 1: What has your support system been like.
8:06
Speaker 2: I actually have a really great support system. Some friends
8:08
Speaker 2: of mine who have just been with us every step
8:12
Speaker 2: of the way. They were actually friends of Stephen and
8:15
Speaker 2: I as a couple, and they have remained my friends,
8:19
Speaker 2: and they walk through me. They're the type of people
8:21
Speaker 2: who put on the boots and they walk through the
8:23
Speaker 2: trenches with you and carry you on days that you
8:26
Speaker 2: cannot carry yourselves. I have always been the type of
8:30
Speaker 2: person who I keep my side of the street clean.
8:35
Speaker 2: That's what I do. I keep my side of the
8:36
Speaker 2: street clean. I've never been the type of person that
8:39
Speaker 2: believes in gossip or speaking negatively negatively about other people,
8:47
Speaker 2: or telling the dirty truth. I will stand by that.
8:49
Speaker 2: In my marriage, I honored my marriage and I kept
8:54
Speaker 2: things really private for that exact reason, and I think
8:57
Speaker 2: that's why people were so surprised when Even and I
9:00
Speaker 2: announced that we were getting divorced, because I kept everything
9:02
Speaker 2: really close to heart. Other than the people that I
9:04
Speaker 2: trust and for me, that's because I valued my husband
9:09
Speaker 2: at the time, and I valued my relationship and my marriage,
9:13
Speaker 2: and with so much of my life that is public,
9:18
Speaker 2: those boundaries are really important to me because there is
9:21
Speaker 2: so much that I allow for people to have access
9:25
Speaker 2: to in my life because I chose to go on television,
9:31
Speaker 2: but my children did not, and my ex husband did not.
9:34
Speaker 2: So there are pieces that I hold really close to heart,
9:39
Speaker 2: really close to my chest, that I won't share. I
9:43
Speaker 2: choose not to do that. And my goal at the
9:45
Speaker 2: end of the day is and always has been, I'd
9:49
Speaker 2: love to get to a place where I don't loathe
9:52
Speaker 2: my ex husband. So that is a process, and that
9:57
Speaker 2: is a process for me. That's to come to terms
10:00
Speaker 2: with things that I have experienced and things that I
10:04
Speaker 2: have gone through, and it is a healing and a
10:06
Speaker 2: grieving process. I believe not only is the end of
10:11
Speaker 2: a relationship, but the end of a marriage divorce is
10:15
Speaker 2: very much like a death. There is a process. It
10:18
Speaker 2: is grief. It is grief to its finest, and I
10:23
Speaker 2: am an advocate for mental health and God, I love
10:27
Speaker 2: therapy and I have walked and rode every wave of
10:32
Speaker 2: grief and sometimes I still am I currently still am,
10:36
Speaker 2: you know, but that's important for me for my healing process.
10:40
Speaker 2: And I'm also the type of person when I am
10:42
Speaker 2: done with something with someone with a relationship, I'm done.
10:46
Speaker 2: There's no going back for me. I don't backpedal. I
10:50
Speaker 2: believe that things close for a reason for new ones
10:55
Speaker 2: to open. And even still, I'm not that same person
10:59
Speaker 2: who who was married to my ex husband. Anyway, I'm different,
11:04
Speaker 2: and I'm different because of grief, and I'm different because
11:06
Speaker 2: of the ending of that relationship. And I'm different because
11:10
Speaker 2: I had to learn and I had to grow and
11:11
Speaker 2: I had to process and I am freaking resilient and
11:16
Speaker 2: I'm really proud of that.
11:27
Speaker 1: You mentioned the grief part here, and I think it's
11:31
Speaker 1: interesting because it sounds like to me, and you tell
11:35
Speaker 1: me if I'm wrong, that you're still in this season
11:37
Speaker 1: of grieving moments or having grieving moments. For anybody listening
11:42
Speaker 1: who has gone through divorce, or for anybody who is
11:46
Speaker 1: going through a breakup, that just feels like the end
11:49
Speaker 1: of the world and everything inside of them is being
11:52
Speaker 1: ripped out, and they're lonely and they're nervous and they're
11:56
Speaker 1: trying to process it all. You do you mind sharing
11:59
Speaker 1: a little bit more about what this grief feels like
12:03
Speaker 1: and what this grief is doing to you personally and
12:06
Speaker 1: how it's changing you.
12:09
Speaker 2: Yeah, my grief that I'm walking through right now is
12:11
Speaker 2: very different than the grief that I experienced three years
12:15
Speaker 2: ago when our relationship ended. So although we waited a
12:18
Speaker 2: really long time to tell anyone that we were separating,
12:21
Speaker 2: and divorce takes a long time, it's not something that
12:23
Speaker 2: happens overnight. We truly haven't been together in at least
12:27
Speaker 2: three years or something like that. So I grieved my relationship.
12:31
Speaker 2: Then the new grief that I'm experiencing is an outcome
12:38
Speaker 2: of the headlines and the tabloids that everyone is reading,
12:43
Speaker 2: and the fact that really difficult things that have taken
12:46
Speaker 2: place in my life have to play out for everyone
12:49
Speaker 2: to read through clicking a link, you know what I mean.
12:54
Speaker 2: So that's my grief. I'm no longer grieving the relationship.
12:58
Speaker 2: I'm grieving what I thought could be really good co
13:01
Speaker 2: parenting space for my children. I'm grieving the idea that
13:05
Speaker 2: I could have a really wonderful relationship with my children's father.
13:11
Speaker 2: But I am no longer grieving that relationship or that marriage.
13:15
Speaker 2: I'm no longer grieving that I have come worlds past that,
13:18
Speaker 2: But I think it would be doing a disservice to
13:21
Speaker 2: deny that the things that have taken place recently have
13:24
Speaker 2: not been incredibly hard for me and really really hard
13:29
Speaker 2: for my children. So that's kind of it's kind of
13:31
Speaker 2: all I'm willing to share on that because again, I
13:35
Speaker 2: work really hard to protect my children and the things
13:39
Speaker 2: that have taken place are just so unfortunate. They're just
13:43
Speaker 2: they're so unfortunate.
13:45
Speaker 1: So yeah, that's fair. Yeah, you share as much as
13:50
Speaker 1: you feel like is appropriate, and again I completely appreciate
13:55
Speaker 1: and respect the protection that you're surrounding your family with.
14:00
Speaker 1: Let's transition then into kind of this next season. When
14:03
Speaker 1: did you realize or when did you start to feel
14:08
Speaker 1: or when did you come to terms with however you
14:10
Speaker 1: want to describe it, because I'm intrigued with the language
14:13
Speaker 1: that you use around it that you are single and available.
14:18
Speaker 2: Again, I probably was not really interested in any kind
14:24
Speaker 2: of relationship, let alone dating until maybe within the last year.
14:29
Speaker 2: I just wasn't there yet. I wasn't emotionally available, I
14:32
Speaker 2: wasn't emotionally ready, and honest to God, I just kind
14:36
Speaker 2: of really loved my life. I love where I live,
14:39
Speaker 2: I love my time with the kids, I have an
14:40
Speaker 2: amazing job, I travel the world, and I felt really
14:45
Speaker 2: really great about that. I didn't have a lot of
14:47
Speaker 2: space or any kind of capacity to take on another
14:51
Speaker 2: human being for the first time in my life outside
14:54
Speaker 2: of my children. That was probably the most selfish that
14:57
Speaker 2: I've ever been. And I am the least selfish human
15:00
Speaker 2: being that I hope any of my people know, because
15:05
Speaker 2: I'm a giver and I love to be surrounded and
15:07
Speaker 2: I love to feed people, and I love to have community,
15:10
Speaker 2: and I love those things. And this was the first
15:12
Speaker 2: time in my life where I was actually selfish. I
15:14
Speaker 2: did what I wanted. I bought what barstools I wanted,
15:17
Speaker 2: I got what comforter I wanted, I took my children
15:19
Speaker 2: and wherever I wanted. It probably wasn't until maybe about
15:25
Speaker 2: a year ago that I finally got to a space
15:28
Speaker 2: where I was like, oh, okay, like I could, I
15:32
Speaker 2: could desire someone's companionship, but there's a fine line here, Ben,
15:35
Speaker 2: Like the longer I go, I'm kind of like, yeah, no,
15:38
Speaker 2: Like I'm never living with another person. If I want
15:41
Speaker 2: to let the dishes sit in the sink. They're my dishes.
15:43
Speaker 2: I know I did them. So it's a very fine
15:45
Speaker 2: line of being ready to find someone and also being
15:51
Speaker 2: really comfortable in my space. I'm in a very different
15:55
Speaker 2: place in my life where when I was in my
15:56
Speaker 2: early twenties, when I went on the bachelorette before I
15:59
Speaker 2: met Stephen, I wanted to marry someone. I wanted to
16:03
Speaker 2: combine our lives. I wanted to stay home with our children.
16:07
Speaker 2: I wanted that very traditional relationship where my husband worked
16:10
Speaker 2: and I raise the kids and we shared whatever. I'm
16:13
Speaker 2: not there anymore. I have a career that I really like.
16:16
Speaker 2: I don't need another man's money. I pay my own bills,
16:19
Speaker 2: I put a roof over our heads, I have a
16:22
Speaker 2: great job that I love.
16:24
Speaker 1: It would just be that.
16:25
Speaker 2: Component of having companionship. And I have said it a
16:30
Speaker 2: thousand times over. I don't desire marriage anymore. I did
16:35
Speaker 2: that and that was a lot of fun. But I'll
16:36
Speaker 2: tell you what's really traumatic is divorce. So I don't
16:40
Speaker 2: necessarily need that piece of paper anymore. I've done it.
16:43
Speaker 2: I gave it a good shot. But I believe in
16:46
Speaker 2: partnership and companionship. I believe in relationships. I believe in
16:49
Speaker 2: being loyal to one person and finding someone that compliments
16:53
Speaker 2: me and vice versa. But I would say the traditional
16:57
Speaker 2: aspect of it looks different from me now. I'm almost
17:00
Speaker 2: forty four years old and I don't need to be
17:01
Speaker 2: taken care of. It'd be kind of nice if someone
17:03
Speaker 2: wanted to take me out to dinner, but I don't
17:05
Speaker 2: rely on another man for those things any longer. And
17:08
Speaker 2: I believe that just comes with age and growth and security,
17:12
Speaker 2: financial security, and just I'm in a different place in
17:15
Speaker 2: my life than probably where I was when I was
17:17
Speaker 2: twenty six and that sweet little girl walking out to
17:21
Speaker 2: a freshly washed pavement waiting for the limos to pull up,
17:24
Speaker 2: of all these guys, and that feels really good because
17:27
Speaker 2: I'm not I'm not desperate. I will be picky, I'll
17:33
Speaker 2: be choosy, the go to the gotta kind of bring
17:36
Speaker 2: it because I'm not willing to settle. I wasn't then,
17:39
Speaker 2: and I'm for sure a shit I'm not now.
17:41
Speaker 1: I mean, and that's wonderful, But is it negotiable? Like
17:45
Speaker 1: are you crossing off marriage like you have no interest
17:48
Speaker 1: in getting married again? Or say the perfect and we're
17:52
Speaker 1: going to talk about what that perfect companion looks like
17:55
Speaker 1: to you in your mind right now. I have some
17:59
Speaker 1: thoughts and feelings from my own experience, but I'll get
18:03
Speaker 1: to that in a second. But if you find that
18:05
Speaker 1: perfect companion for what you're thinking it looks like right now,
18:09
Speaker 1: is getting married again off the table or is it
18:12
Speaker 1: still an option available?
18:14
Speaker 2: If we're looking at the table, ben it's at the
18:17
Speaker 2: very corner and it's almost hanging off the edge where
18:20
Speaker 2: it's like rocking back and forth. If someone doesn't push
18:23
Speaker 2: it back on the table, it's going to be really hard.
18:27
Speaker 2: It's just not something that is important to me. If
18:29
Speaker 2: I meet someone and it's really important to them, I
18:32
Speaker 2: am always open to understanding and hearing how someone feels
18:36
Speaker 2: and making compromises. But I would say it is not
18:40
Speaker 2: important to me. But if I meet someone and I
18:42
Speaker 2: believe it's the love of my life and it's important
18:45
Speaker 2: to them, I would be open to the conversation.
18:48
Speaker 1: Okay, So it's just into the perfect companion. One of
19:04
Speaker 1: the things I've always talked about publicly, and I have
19:06
Speaker 1: a lot of respect for my past relationships in my life.
19:08
Speaker 1: Some of them are close friends and some aren't so close.
19:13
Speaker 1: To me, and I really have no desire to ever
19:15
Speaker 1: see them again. But the thing that I appreciate is
19:21
Speaker 1: you learn from serious relationships. I think more a few
19:27
Speaker 1: years removed than you can ever understand. So I walked
19:32
Speaker 1: out of a lot of these serious relationships going Okay,
19:34
Speaker 1: this is actually what I'm looking for now I'm with you.
19:36
Speaker 1: When I was a bachelor, I had this list of
19:39
Speaker 1: ideals and none of those were the same ideals I
19:43
Speaker 1: looked for in my future spouse, which is Jessica. They
19:47
Speaker 1: changed kind of based on my experience. So now, because
19:53
Speaker 1: you have years of marriage under your belt, and because
19:57
Speaker 1: you've now gone through a divorce, what does a perfect
20:02
Speaker 1: companion look like to you? In the seat you're sitting in?
20:08
Speaker 2: Well, I think if I knew that, I wouldn't be
20:09
Speaker 2: sitting in the seat, don't you think, ben.
20:11
Speaker 1: No, I think you one hundred percent will, because you'd
20:13
Speaker 1: be going this guy I haven't met him yet, but
20:16
Speaker 1: he's out there somewhere because he's X y Z. But
20:20
Speaker 1: I haven't met this guy. So yes, I think you'd
20:23
Speaker 1: be sitting in the seat because you haven't met him,
20:25
Speaker 1: and we're going to help you meet him.
20:27
Speaker 2: I think it's worth noting that I agree with you.
20:30
Speaker 2: What I look for now is going to be very
20:32
Speaker 2: different than probably what I looked for at twenty six
20:35
Speaker 2: or thirty, you know, or even in my marriage. I
20:41
Speaker 2: absolutely have got to be with someone who is emotionally
20:46
Speaker 2: sound and emotionally mature, someone that can can function in
20:51
Speaker 2: conversation on the most basic level. Reciprocity is so incredibly
20:56
Speaker 2: important to me, and I would like to think that
21:00
Speaker 2: chivalry is not dead.
21:01
Speaker 1: I'm listened.
21:02
Speaker 2: I'm a pretty independent woman, but look, I find it
21:06
Speaker 2: flattering if a guy wants to open up my car
21:08
Speaker 2: door or take me out to dinner and actually pay
21:10
Speaker 2: for it. Like I would appreciate that. Those I would
21:15
Speaker 2: say are like my top three things, Like I need
21:19
Speaker 2: someone who is emotionally well. I need that emotional maturity,
21:23
Speaker 2: someone that can communicate, someone that can express themselves and
21:27
Speaker 2: have a conversation as an adult and be very in
21:31
Speaker 2: tune with who they are and understand their mental health
21:36
Speaker 2: their capacity to do so. I believe that that is
21:39
Speaker 2: really important in a healthy relationship, and I really want
21:43
Speaker 2: that in a partner, in a companion and a spouse.
21:46
Speaker 2: That's something that is now really really important to me.
21:49
Speaker 2: I need that I need someone who can communicate, someone
21:53
Speaker 2: who can say how they feel, and someone who can
21:57
Speaker 2: also be supportive at the same time. I don't think
22:00
Speaker 2: that we all know how to do that. I don't
22:02
Speaker 2: believe everyone knows how to communicate in a situation or
22:05
Speaker 2: an argument. And again, I'm a very strong personality. I
22:10
Speaker 2: have pretty big opinions, and I need someone who is
22:19
Speaker 2: willing to stay in that and be able to handle
22:23
Speaker 2: me and have a conversation and not let me run.
22:29
Speaker 2: I also really want to feel safe in a relationship.
22:33
Speaker 2: That's something that I realized through therapy after divorce. Something
22:37
Speaker 2: that I really crave, and I've likely craved it from
22:39
Speaker 2: a young age, is that I want to feel safe
22:41
Speaker 2: in a relationship. And I don't know that I have
22:43
Speaker 2: ever had a really healthy relationship where I have felt
22:48
Speaker 2: safe as a woman with a partner. I don't know
22:50
Speaker 2: that I've ever felt really safe, and I really want that.
22:53
Speaker 2: I want someone who is going to look at me
22:55
Speaker 2: on my bad days and say, you know what I'm
22:56
Speaker 2: really I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You can have
23:00
Speaker 2: a crap day or you can get upset, but I'm
23:02
Speaker 2: not going anywhere. I'm here, You're safe. You may be
23:04
Speaker 2: yourself with me, you may be vulnerable, and I will
23:06
Speaker 2: never use it against you. I think that's really important.
23:11
Speaker 2: And then yeah, like I something about living in LA,
23:15
Speaker 2: Like like I've been on a date and a guy said,
23:18
Speaker 2: do you want to split dinner? And I was like,
23:19
Speaker 2: I'm out.
23:20
Speaker 1: I'm out.
23:21
Speaker 2: There's no going back, there's no coming back from that.
23:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, LA is gonna be tough. It's going to be See,
23:28
Speaker 1: it's a whole new new hurdle that we have here
23:32
Speaker 1: to find somebody within that area. But in closing, uh,
23:39
Speaker 1: I'm getting this sense that you have a whole new level.
23:42
Speaker 1: And again, please disagree with me and question me and
23:46
Speaker 1: tell me I'm wrong. I would love but I get
23:49
Speaker 1: this since you have this whole new confidence in this
23:51
Speaker 1: season of life, like you're you're not even need It
23:57
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like you're needing or wanting as much as
24:00
Speaker 1: maybe it's just like a wishful desire, which is an
24:04
Speaker 1: interesting place in my opinion to enter into dating. Not
24:08
Speaker 1: this like longing for oh my gosh, I need to
24:12
Speaker 1: find a partner. Yes, you're right.
24:14
Speaker 2: I think it's a very different, a different position to
24:17
Speaker 2: be in life because I believe we are taught from
24:20
Speaker 2: an early age that you go to high school, then
24:23
Speaker 2: you go to college, then you get married, then you
24:25
Speaker 2: have babies, and there's all of these monumental marks in
24:29
Speaker 2: your lifespan that you're supposed to do. And I've done
24:32
Speaker 2: all of those things, So you're right, Ben that, like
24:35
Speaker 2: I feel, I'm in a place in my life that
24:38
Speaker 2: I don't have to check those things off. And again,
24:41
Speaker 2: I'm very grateful that I have a really wonderful job,
24:42
Speaker 2: so I have financial security, I have my children. I
24:46
Speaker 2: don't want any more kids, so I'm not in this
24:49
Speaker 2: place of like every time you go on a date,
24:52
Speaker 2: you're like, oh my god, am I going to marry
24:54
Speaker 2: this person?
24:54
Speaker 1: Is this the one?
24:55
Speaker 2: Is this the one? I believe that you can have
24:58
Speaker 2: many great loves in your life, and they can be
25:01
Speaker 2: at different times and in the places where you are
25:04
Speaker 2: in your life. And I had the high school sweetheart,
25:08
Speaker 2: you know, then I had the marriage. I had that
25:11
Speaker 2: person that I thought I would love, and I would
25:13
Speaker 2: say that now I am ready for that like great love,
25:17
Speaker 2: That great love, the one that I hate to say,
25:21
Speaker 2: the word that defines us, but it's the one that
25:23
Speaker 2: makes us. It's the one that when I'm sixty five.
25:27
Speaker 2: That's the one that I'm like, Oh, yeah, that was it,
25:30
Speaker 2: that was the one. And you're also right, I'm in
25:35
Speaker 2: no rush. I am willing to be patient.
25:37
Speaker 1: Uh.
25:38
Speaker 2: I don't want to backtrack and be where I was,
25:41
Speaker 2: which is which is probably also why I say I
25:43
Speaker 2: don't ever want to get married again, because for me,
25:46
Speaker 2: that breakup and divorce was very traumatic. I don't want
25:49
Speaker 2: to experience that again. I don't want to make that
25:51
Speaker 2: mistake again. So the red flags that I missed, you know,
25:55
Speaker 2: going into that relationship. I pay attention to a lot
25:57
Speaker 2: of those things now. And that goes back to what
26:00
Speaker 2: you said in the beginning, is that you learn a
26:01
Speaker 2: lot of lessons from relationships. My ex husband was not
26:05
Speaker 2: my first relationship I've been in. I've been in several relationships,
26:08
Speaker 2: and I've loved and lost before him. But I would
26:10
Speaker 2: say that at this age that was a great loss
26:14
Speaker 2: to me. That was a great loss to me. And again,
26:18
Speaker 2: I've come a long way and I have grieved that
26:21
Speaker 2: one and I've set it aside and I'm never gone back.
26:24
Speaker 2: I don't ever want to go back, I promise you that.
26:26
Speaker 2: But you learn things, and there are certain things now
26:29
Speaker 2: that I know that I'm not willing to put up
26:32
Speaker 2: with if I cook, you clean, like, just do the dishes?
26:35
Speaker 2: Is that too much to ask? Like, just do the dishes.
26:38
Speaker 2: But all joking aside, there are things that at my
26:42
Speaker 2: age I'm going to be forty four this year, I
26:45
Speaker 2: just have certain things that I'm willing to tolerate anymore
26:48
Speaker 2: because I don't have to. And I'm in a rush.
26:50
Speaker 2: It's not like I'm rushing to get married. I'm not
26:51
Speaker 2: in a rush to get into a relationship. But if
26:53
Speaker 2: someone really great comes along, I know that I'm not
26:57
Speaker 2: willing to let that go.
26:58
Speaker 1: Final question for you as we close up this, I'm
27:03
Speaker 1: excited to be a part of this either very impactful
27:07
Speaker 1: season for you or just a nice blimp on a
27:12
Speaker 1: radar for you as you enter back into the dating world.
27:15
Speaker 1: But dating to me now, as I think about it,
27:21
Speaker 1: or as I talk to people who are within this world,
27:23
Speaker 1: it feels still to this day, and I thought it
27:25
Speaker 1: would feel different after years of marriage. It feels scary,
27:29
Speaker 1: and it feels intimidating, and it also it sometimes feels exciting.
27:34
Speaker 1: There's an excitement to it, and anticipation maybe is the
27:37
Speaker 1: better way to say it, but do you have any
27:40
Speaker 1: fears about entering into the dating world again and actively dating?
27:48
Speaker 1: Is there anything that concerns you about this next chapter?
27:51
Speaker 2: Just narcissists, just straight narcissists. They scare me across the board.
27:55
Speaker 1: You live in La Goodness, gracious, you're screwed.
27:59
Speaker 2: They're gonna have to move back to the East Coast.
28:00
Speaker 2: I think, No, I don't have a lot of fears.
28:05
Speaker 2: Bad breath really scares me. Someone who might try to
28:08
Speaker 2: kiss me on a first date really scares me. No,
28:13
Speaker 2: I don't anythink. That's the really nice thing about coming
28:17
Speaker 2: so far and having been through so much is that
28:23
Speaker 2: I feel really at peace with myself, ben like, I
28:26
Speaker 2: kind of really like me, and I'm not willing to
28:29
Speaker 2: negotiate that or change that for anyone. I feel very
28:32
Speaker 2: secure in who I am. I like genuinely like myself,
28:37
Speaker 2: and I don't mind spending time alone. So something that
28:40
Speaker 2: I'm not willing to do is to bend that for
28:42
Speaker 2: any other person. That's not important for me, and I
28:48
Speaker 2: have faith that if anybody wants to do that to you,
28:50
Speaker 2: to change who you are, to change who you are
28:52
Speaker 2: at your core, they're not the right person for you.
28:54
Speaker 2: So fears. I don't have a lot of them yet.
28:57
Speaker 2: But again, I've barely tipped my into the dating pond,
29:01
Speaker 2: like I'm barely there, and people keep saying there's fish,
29:04
Speaker 2: but I just don't. I don't think there are a
29:06
Speaker 2: lot of them. But no, I am really grateful to
29:10
Speaker 2: be very secure in who I am and me as
29:16
Speaker 2: a person. And I think you'll like it or you
29:19
Speaker 2: leave it. You either want to be with me or
29:22
Speaker 2: you don't. There's no more begging. And I have learned
29:25
Speaker 2: that I will never ever in my life again beg
29:29
Speaker 2: a man to choose me. I never will. I did
29:33
Speaker 2: that and I've put that to bed, and I'll never
29:35
Speaker 2: do it again.
29:37
Speaker 1: This is beautiful. I'm so excited. Thank you too for
29:41
Speaker 1: jumping in here tonight, and thank you for sharing with us.
29:45
Speaker 1: Here's what I'm seeing is we have a confident we
29:50
Speaker 1: have a strong we have a newly inspired human on
29:56
Speaker 1: our hands who is so fresh. Forty four. It's exciting.
30:01
Speaker 1: You're not forty four. You got to stop saying that
30:03
Speaker 1: you're forty three about to turn forty four. You're still
30:07
Speaker 1: forty three. Let's enjoy the last few months of the
30:09
Speaker 1: forty three we have okay, all right. A deal