Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep2: 🍔 Hot Pockets & Big Laugh 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep2: 🍔 Hot Pockets & Big Laugh 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: People who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Some of those winter activities should get you committed.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, look, we love you, we're just worried.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: This morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: What's next?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: You sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Get some help.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I did one of those genetic tests.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: You do learn things from those genetic tests.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: They send you information.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Mine just said, dude, you're white.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, you're very white.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you feel guilty.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't even break out my nationality.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: They just highlighted all the British Isles.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, you're trash from here.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Wherever people need sunscreen.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: But what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh my gosh, I'm related to my ancestors.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: We're only gonna find out bad news.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: You see it in the commercials.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I was Italian, but it ends up my great-grandma was a whore.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I guess I'm Eastern European.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are whores, and I am.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: My point is only good family news is passed along.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln, you'd already know that.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: But if your great-grandfather was the town drunk, your grandpa's likely to go, uh, I don't remember.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think he worked in a bar.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Chief gutter inspector.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: I do know I have some Irish ancestry, but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records, because, well, draw your own conclusion.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Irish, but I have blonde hair.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded, pillaged, and probably other stuff.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Those Vikings, the Scandinavians.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you've been to Sweden, it's like a whole country of Scarlet Johansons.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: If I was in Ireland at that time, I would have been, oh no, some Viking lady's coming to pillage me.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully she can help me put together that table.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: They say last names can tell you something.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like if your last name is Cooper, that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: If your last name is Cantor, that means somebody along the line was a singer.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: My last name is Gaffigan, which is Gaelic for highly anxious.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: And when I learned that, all I could feel was highly anxious.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: How anxious do you have to be?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: For people that go, you should go with that as your name.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Why is that?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we call you anyway.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: It does seem like some last names were chosen to impress, right?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, someone's like, you know what?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: I want the ladies to know I'm successful, so I'm gonna go with a last name, Goldman.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Goldman, what are you going with?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Wiener.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I want the ladies to know I like hot dogs.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: But who knows, maybe last names mean nothing.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, where I'm from in Indiana, there is a guy who owns an RV dealership, and his name is Tom Raper.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's his name.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And there are billboards.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Come see Tom Raper.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: And people go.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we should check it out.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't know why we would let someone named Raper sell RVs.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: They are essentially mobile crime scenes.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: If my last name were raper, I wouldn't leave the house.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: How do you even go out to dinner?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Party of two, raper.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a raper here?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Are there family reunions?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Are you a raper?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a raper.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Is this your son?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: He looks just like a raper.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Fun getting all the rapers together.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know what, you know what I deserve?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: To have some someone I don't know rub my body.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let's make that happen, people.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because massages are always from strangers.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: We get massages from strangers because we can't count on the people who love us to touch us.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it could be your best friend.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: You see that guy, take a bullet for him.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not giving him a massage.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm no queen.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: My wife, the woman I love, the mother of my children.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Here's my massage.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: You good?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's my hands cramping.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: So we pay total strangers.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I know nothing about you.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't I take off my clothes and climb on this padded dining room table?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: And you can do whatever you want.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: We know nothing about these people.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even ask if they're a masseuse.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you're dressed like an orderly in a mental ward.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't I get in the most vulnerable position I can think of?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: How about face down on the donut pillow?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Does that work for you?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because then I can look at your feet and imagine you're grabbing knives.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: What do we really know about massage therapists?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: They like to rub strangers for money while they listen to the avatar soundtrack.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's a red flag.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the traits of a serial killer.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: I never know what to say during a massage.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I'll try and break the eyes and be like, hey, you're not allergic to leprosy, are you?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: They never laugh because they're busy imagining making a suit out of my skin.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because they're murderers.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: They already put the lotion in the basket.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know what type of massage I'm getting when I get a massage.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want a deep tissueish Yatsu or a Swedish massage?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'll take the blonde.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because men view massages differently.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: A woman gets a massage, her friends are like, good for you.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: A guy gets a massage, you dirty dog.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because men sexualize all human interaction.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: It was a therapeutic massage.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: How therapeutic?
• 7:11
  unknown: Nothing happens.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's what we'll tell your wife, huh?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's gotta be frustrating for massage therapists.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: That double meaning.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Did you get a massage or a massage?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: No other occupation has to do with it.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Did you get a cavity filled or a cavity filled?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: How many dentistry references is he gonna have?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: For me, a massage is just an hour of awkwardness, right?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: She gets done, she leaves the room, I put on the rope, I step outside, she hands me a glass of water.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I always look at her and go, you're never gonna call me.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: What a strain.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: I did have one massage therapist.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: She told me they're allowed to turn people down.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why she told me that.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: It was after a show.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine getting turned down by a massage therapist?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's rough.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you couldn't pay me to touch it.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Not for all the money on the planet.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Massages, that's how some people relax.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Some people relax in a hot sauna, and sure, who doesn't love recreating the feeling of being trapped inside an active volcano?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand the appeal of a sauna.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Here's every experience I've had in a sauna.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, okay, I'm gonna get a sweat gone, it's gonna be really good for me.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Here we go, it's time to get out, right?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to overdo it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: What is so relaxing about sitting in a hot box next to a pile of smoldering rocks?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: I always look at the rocks like, whoever's cooking the rocks, they're done.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's a wrap on the rock cooking.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: And to make the sauna more enjoyable, you're always seated next to a naked 80-year-old man.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh good, I get to sweat next to someone's grandpa who's only wearing a hand towel.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: The nudity in this sauna seems unnecessary.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't Rome.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: I just look around the sauna like, wow, so this is why we wear clothes, huh?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: So we may eventually eat.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: My wife's pretty amazing.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: She is better at things, and I'm not ashamed to say that.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like her guilt trip, legendary.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: My wife is half Catholic, half Jewish, so her guilt trip is like a superpower.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I walk in a room, she looks at me, and I feel horrible.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: And that's called love.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: We've been together so long, I will get angry about a guilt trip she hasn't even given me yet.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be like, I'm gonna watch the football game.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, okay, and I'm like, cause I want to! I'm always in trouble with my wife because I'm selfish, I'm lazy, and sense of a bunch of other stuff she rattles on.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I understand being in trouble for stuff I've done, but sometimes I get in trouble for stuff other men have done.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Once I got in trouble for something a guy did in a movie, I was watching a movie with my wife, and in the movie there was this married guy with children who left his family for a 20-year-old woman.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew in that moment I should sleep on the couch.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And the movie ended, and my wife looked at me and she was like, Why would someone do that?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, uh, it was in the script.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't say that.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: I just said, Where do you want me to sleep?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: I hope it doesn't sound like I'm picking on her, because I'm grateful to have her in my life.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's nice to have a partner, someone looking out for you, you look out for them.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like I did two weeks of shows out of town in December, and when I came home, my wife informed me that she made me an appointment for the gastroenterologist.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you're unfamiliar, that's the doctor that sticks the camera up your butt.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, they do other things, but that's what they're famous for.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's probably how they attract people to the field.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: You like photography?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: I got a job you're gonna love.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't ask my wife to set up this appointment.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't sick, I didn't have any symptoms.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: She just did it because she was looking out for me.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: So she casually brought it up.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, just so you know, I made you an appointment for the gastroenterologist.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Just so you know, I won't be going.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, Why wouldn't you go?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a consultation.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Well, it's the principle.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an adult, I make my own decisions.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, so I'm at the gastroenterologist.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: The doctor starts to describe the procedure, and I said, Look, I should probably let you know I don't really enjoy getting my picture taken.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: I would be open to an ultrasound.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of men are curious what the jelly on the belly feels like.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, the doctor, he didn't think it was funny.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew it was precautionary, so I agreed.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: So he went over to his computer and he goes, All right, my next available appointment is in three months.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, three months?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: This was in December.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know if I wanted this procedure hanging over my head during the holidays.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Jim, you want another piece of pie?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm getting a camera up my butt.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want some team of doctors to be like, wow, this guy loves pie.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Mary, get out here.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: He's got a half a pie up there.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what could delay this important procedure.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: But part of me didn't want to find out.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want the doctor to be like, well, the real delay is finding someone to clean the camera.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Turnover in that position's insane.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, people do it once and they're like, you know what?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going back on food stamps.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Then I was thinking, maybe it's the doctor.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe he's like, dude, I can only do this procedure once a month.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Then I gotta take a week off, sit on the beach, and ask myself why I keep sticking cameras up people's butts.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: I could have been a dentist.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: We got five kids, and that seems like a lot.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: And frankly, it's too many.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: It is a lot, but what am I gonna do now?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's not like they come with free return shipping.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: I love I love having uh five kids.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: I travel with them because I don't want to be away from them, and also I enjoy the look on wait staff's faces when I walk in with my family.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because my kids are five, six, eight, eleven, and thirteen.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: And we walked into a restaurant in Dallas, and I saw a waitress look at me and my family and quit her job.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, she could have been getting off her shift.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: I just saw her look at us and throw down her apron and storm off.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I felt like we won.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I like being a dad, you know.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: I try and do one-on-one time with each of my kids, but it's hard because I travel and there's a lot of them.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes that special daddy and me time is just doing something mundane, like going with me to the post office.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, that's right, buddy, just you and me going to find out why we got this damn slip on our door.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Stick that in the memory bank.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: My dad, always making time for me, squeezing me into errands.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: I remember walking to the post office and listening to him bitch and moan about the federal government.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: What a guy.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: Try to be a good dad.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: I got my kids a dog.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: I rescued a dog.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's not like the dog was drowning.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: The dog wasn't a victim of sex trafficking.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: I just went in a building, gave a guy money, and got a dog.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I rescued it.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: After that, I rescued a pizza.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: I actually had to wait to rescue the dog because the dog was in Jamaica.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if it was on vacation.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: But I rescued a dog from paradise so it could live in my crowded New York City apartment.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I put the leash on the dog and it looks at me like, I used to run on the beach.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: And now I sleep in a cage.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: My only hope is that one day you'll get rescued.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: But rescue is the language of today, right?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: And we mean adoption.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, people don't even say they own dogs.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now people say they're a dog parent, but I feel like dogs are different from kids.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like you never hear a parent say, you know, my son had some behavior problems, so we gave them to a friend who had a farm upstate.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: And we can run around and we'll visit him on weekends.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: Jim, you're a monster.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm no saint, but nobody is, nobody even goes for Saint today, right?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: There's no saints.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody's like, you know what, I'm thinking of uh, I'm either gonna go graphic design or saint.