Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Trump Wants White House UFC Ring to Stay _ NJ Candidate Tom Kean Is MIA _ The Daily Show
Transcript
- 0:00Speaker 1: We're just a month out from America's big birthday bash,
- 0:03Speaker 1: and President Trump is celebrating with a UFC fight at
- 0:07Speaker 1: the White House, continuing an American tradition that dates all
- 0:11Speaker 1: the way back zero years. As you can see, he's
- 0:16Speaker 1: already set up the arena, a bouncy castle of pain.
- 0:26Speaker 1: And if you think this looks ugly, you better get
- 0:29Speaker 1: used to it. in Paris, France, the Eiffel Tower.
- 0:32Speaker 2: 1889 it was built. It was supposed to be taken
- 0:36Speaker 2: down immediately after the World's Fair.
- 0:38Speaker 1: And then they said, you know, we sort of like it.
- 0:40Speaker 2: Well, they never took it down.
- 0:42Speaker 1: And, you know, we're building something in front of the
- 0:44Speaker 1: White House that's quite attractive to.
- 0:47Speaker 3: A lot of people.
- 0:47Speaker 1: And maybe we'll never, ever take it down. Never take
- 0:54Speaker 1: it down. Why does he sound like a Batman villain?
- 0:56Speaker 4: Citizens of Gotham, bring me the Batman, or we'll have
- 0:59Speaker 4: to look at this ugly bullshit forever. But no, the
- 1:05Speaker 4: White House UFC cage is not going to be America's
- 1:09Speaker 4: Eiffel Tower. The Eiffel Tower represents something great, specifically a
- 1:13Speaker 4: sex move where two dudes.
- 1:15Speaker 1: Bang one woman while high-fiving. But let's move on. Thank you.
- 1:24Speaker 1: We were excited about that joke. Let's move on to
- 1:27Speaker 1: some election news and another installment of Indecision 2026. Yesterday,
- 1:36Speaker 1: there were primaries in California and New Jersey, as well
- 1:40Speaker 1: as four other states we can all definitely identify on
- 1:43Speaker 1: a map. Like this one.
- 1:48Speaker 2: Um.
- 1:49Speaker 1: That's the corn one, right? Damn, I'm good!
- 1:53Speaker 5: Whoo! Hell yeah.
- 1:57Speaker 1: These primaries determine who's on the ballot this November, and
- 2:00Speaker 1: there's breaking news on one of the big ones.
- 2:03Speaker 3: While many votes are still being counted after a long
- 2:06Speaker 3: and muddled campaign for governor in California, we finally have
- 2:10Speaker 3: some clarity. Former State Attorney General Javier Becerra riding a
- 2:14Speaker 3: late surge of support over fellow Democrats to finish in
- 2:17Speaker 3: the top two. If elected, he'd become the first Latino
- 2:21Speaker 3: governor since 1875.
- 2:23Speaker 1: Well, I'm sorry, the first Latino governor of California? Since 1875?
- 2:29Speaker 1: How is that possible? The word California literally translates to
- 2:33Speaker 1: the land of Latino people. I assume no hablo espanol.
- 2:39Speaker 1: Think about that, 1875. That's all the way back when
- 2:43Speaker 1: the first generation of Kardashians settled in California. But by
- 2:50Speaker 1: the way, this guy was the last Latino governor, who
- 2:54Speaker 1: apparently was so bad at being governor that they said, hey,
- 2:58Speaker 1: only white guys from now on, okay? But forget El Gobernador,
- 3:04Speaker 1: the California's primary. The California primary that's really been dominating
- 3:07Speaker 1: the news has been the L.A. mayor's race.
- 3:11Speaker 3: In Los Angeles, Mayor Karen Bass will try to win
- 3:13Speaker 3: a second term in a November runoff. Her likely opponent,
- 3:17Speaker 3: former reality TV star Spencer Pratt.
- 3:20Speaker 1: A reality TV star running for office? Well, I'm sure
- 3:25Speaker 1: if we make fun of him enough, he'll only be
- 3:27Speaker 1: in charge for 11 years tops. How did this country
- 3:33Speaker 1: get so stupid? Oh, that's right, we stopped reading books. Clearly,
- 3:39Speaker 1: Pratt connected with enough Los Angetellianos, so what exactly do
- 3:43Speaker 1: his supporters see in him?
- 3:45Speaker 5: What is it about Spencer Pratt that's resonating with you?
- 3:49Speaker 1: Because he's speaking out against communism and socialism, and it
- 3:52Speaker 1: is a real big problem in our cities, especially in L.A.,
- 3:55Speaker 1: where it's turned to crap.
- 3:56Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
- 3:57Speaker 1: Yep.
- 3:58Speaker 6: See?
- 3:59Speaker 1: Spencer Pratt is standing up for the rights of all
- 4:02Speaker 1: hardworking voters who look like ecstasy dealers. And it's about
- 4:07Speaker 1: time someone spoke for older guys who hang around college
- 4:10Speaker 1: parties where no one is sure who exactly brought them. So,
- 4:14Speaker 1: it looks like California has its candidates.
- 4:16Speaker 6: But who cares about California and the coastal elites that
- 4:19Speaker 6: live there? Let's talk about New Jersey and the coastal
- 4:22Speaker 6: trash that lives there. One of the most competitive races
- 4:28Speaker 6: in November will be in New Jersey's seventh congressional district.
- 4:32Speaker 6: So let's see who each party has now chosen as
- 4:35Speaker 6: their champion.
- 4:36Speaker 3: With Republicans fighting to maintain their razor-thin House majority in
- 4:39Speaker 3: the midterm elections, one of the most competitive contests is
- 4:43Speaker 3: brewing in a New Jersey battleground district. Democrats choosing former
- 4:47Speaker 3: Navy helicopter pilot Rebecca Bennett to take on Republican incumbent
- 4:51Speaker 3: Tom Kane.
- 4:53Speaker 1: Well, that race is over. A vibrant young helicopter pilot
- 5:01Speaker 1: versus a guy who looks like a ghost that's just
- 5:03Speaker 1: seen a ghost.
- 5:07Speaker 3: Seriously, that.
- 5:13Speaker 1: Seriously, that's the best photo you could get of this guy?
- 5:17Speaker 1: The one where he's in the middle of saying, hey,
- 5:18Speaker 1: tell me when you're gonna take a picture. Obviously, I'm
- 5:23Speaker 1: being unfair. It doesn't matter if Tom Kane looks like
- 5:27Speaker 1: he just walked in on himself masturbating. What matters is
- 5:31Speaker 1: that he shows up for his constituents every single day.
- 5:36Speaker 5: The 57-year-old has been absent from his job for over
- 5:39Speaker 5: two months now, not casting votes on Capitol Hill, no
- 5:42Speaker 5: constituent events, and also not seen in any video statements.
- 5:47Speaker 1: Two months? Not voting? No events? Two months. Maybe we
- 5:53Speaker 1: should be looking for him? I don't... I know we
- 5:56Speaker 1: all silenced our Amber Alerts, but maybe we should turn
- 5:58Speaker 1: those back on? I... How does a congressman just disappear
- 6:02Speaker 1: for two months? Surely people would notice if he just
- 6:05Speaker 1: dropped out of the public eye. And it's not like
- 6:07Speaker 1: this office has been trying to cover up for him, right?
- 6:11Speaker 6: Right?
- 6:14Speaker 1: Two years ago?! That photo is so old, those New
- 6:27Speaker 1: Jersey cops could have already finished their sentences for taking bribes,
- 6:31Speaker 1: but look. Okay, okay. There's going to be more of
- 6:41Speaker 1: those types of jokes, so... But look, everyone deserves privacy,
- 6:46Speaker 1: as long as his colleagues in Congress know exactly why
- 6:49Speaker 1: he's out and when he'll return.
- 6:51Speaker 5: Not even the Speaker of the House seems to know
- 6:53Speaker 5: exactly why he's out or when he'll return.
- 6:55Speaker 1: He said he was out on a medical issue and
- 6:58Speaker 1: he'll be back as soon as possible.
- 7:00Speaker 5: Did he disclose what the issue is?
- 7:01Speaker 1: That's the full extent of what I know about it.
- 7:03Speaker 1: Oh my God, is he okay? I mean, I know
- 7:07Speaker 1: he lives in New Jersey, so we all know he's
- 7:08Speaker 1: mentally ill, but physically? This, look. This is so mysterious.
- 7:17Speaker 1: Even if he's holed up in a sanitarium somewhere, someone
- 7:19Speaker 1: must have seen him. How is it we have more
- 7:21Speaker 1: photos of Bigfoot than Tom Kane?
- 7:26Speaker 3: His office telling the New York Times, there's no cameras
- 7:29Speaker 3: where Tom is.
- 7:29Speaker 1: OK, that's a little odd. But to be fair, if
- 7:37Speaker 1: this is how photos of me came out, I'd also
- 7:39Speaker 1: want to be where there's no cameras. He looks like
- 7:43Speaker 1: the doctor just told him it's going to take all
- 7:44Speaker 1: five fingers to examine his prostate. That's okay, yeah. Look,
- 7:57Speaker 1: whatever's going on with this guy, he's got to be
- 7:59Speaker 1: making people a little bit nervous. I mean, at this point,
- 8:02Speaker 1: you've got to be an absolute moron to give him
- 8:04Speaker 1: a full-throated endorsement.
- 8:06Speaker 5: President Trump Monday endorsed King, saying, quote, he will never
- 8:10Speaker 5: let you down.
- 8:11Speaker 1: So true. Of all the congressmen who have been missing
- 8:14Speaker 1: for two months, he is the most reliable. He will
- 8:18Speaker 1: never let you down. Just like my backyard Thunderdome.
- 8:22Speaker 5: Of King!
- 8:25Speaker 1: For more on this missing congressman, we go live to
- 8:28Speaker 1: the Capitol with our very own Ronny Chieng. Where is
- 8:43Speaker 1: this guy? I don't know. Back to you, Michael. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.
- 8:52Speaker 1: Don't you have any idea? Um, okay, uh, hang on. Um, hey, you! Hey, uh,
- 8:58Speaker 1: are you Tom Kane?
- 9:00Speaker 5: No?
- 9:01Speaker 1: Okay, uh, no luck, Michael. I asked everyone. Come on, Ronnie.
- 9:05Speaker 1: This is a sitting congressman we're talking about. You must
- 9:08Speaker 1: have a guess.
- 9:09Speaker 2: No, Michael, I'm a professional journalist, okay? It would be
- 9:13Speaker 2: irresponsible to speculate. For example, I would never suggest that
- 9:17Speaker 2: Tom Kane is missing because he got a botched foreskin
- 9:20Speaker 2: regeneration surgery that regenerated too much foreskin and now he
- 9:25Speaker 2: has to get re-circumcised.
- 9:27Speaker 1: Wait, can that happen?
- 9:32Speaker 2: Well, in theory, of course, but I'm not going to speculate.
- 9:36Speaker 1: Okay, well, wherever he is, he can't keep not showing up.
- 9:41Speaker 1: Why not?
- 9:41Speaker 2: It seems kind of cool to me. I mean, getting
- 9:45Speaker 2: paid to not work is the American dream.
- 9:48Speaker 6: Who, yeah, these guys.
- 9:49Speaker 1: Come on. Who wants to actually.
- 9:55Speaker 2: Go to the office and talk with their dumbass coworkers?
- 9:58Speaker 1: I mean, I should... don't. Wait, what? Excuse me, what'd
- 10:05Speaker 1: you say?
- 10:06Speaker 2: I said I don't want to talk with dumbass coworkers
- 10:10Speaker 2: like you.
- 10:10Speaker 1: All right, look, but voters, they're not gonna stand for this.
- 10:16Speaker 2: They already did. He won the primary while missing. In fact,
- 10:22Speaker 2: he may be the greatest politician.
- 10:25Speaker 1: Of all time.
- 10:26Speaker 2: I mean, even.
- 10:30Speaker 2: Guys, even Abraham Lincoln had to say words. Kaine's platform was,
- 10:36Speaker 2: I'm not even here. And voters were like, yes.
- 10:43Speaker 1: But why would voters want someone who doesn't do anything?
- 10:46Speaker 2: I mean, look what happens when Congress actually does stuff.
- 10:49Speaker 2: Have you seen the kind of bills they're voting on? Oh, no,
- 10:52Speaker 2: my congressman is missing. Now he can't vote to repeal
- 10:55Speaker 2: Medicare to fund a new jet ski for someone who
- 10:57Speaker 2: stormed the Capitol.
- 10:58Speaker 1: Oh, no.
- 10:58Speaker 2: Okay.
- 11:04Speaker 1: But are you saying that our politics are so broken
- 11:07Speaker 1: that the representative that we want is someone who doesn't
- 11:10Speaker 1: even try to represent us? Yes.
- 11:14Speaker 2: It's like when a spam caller takes the day off.
- 11:17Speaker 1: I mean, isn't that a good thing?
- 11:19Speaker 2: In a country where the government is so divisive and cruel,
- 11:22Speaker 2: he's the ideal candidate for these times. He doesn't vote Democrat.
- 11:27Speaker 2: He doesn't vote Republican. It's more of a metaphor than
- 11:29Speaker 2: a man. He's... He's not left, he's not right, he's
- 11:34Speaker 2: not over here, he's not over there.
- 11:35Speaker 1: He's in Guatemala getting re-circumcised. That's a great point. Ronny Chieng, everybody.