Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 18 - Big Sister Duties Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 18 - Big Sister Duties Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: What's good, Joe?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to your takes Baitest.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate you for joining.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: And if you've been here, welcome back.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate you as always.
• 0:32
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• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: For all inquiries, feedback, concerns, or anything else you want to let us know, email us at alive I guesspodcast at gmail.com.
• 0:50
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• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're going to be talking about big sister duties.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Now, yes, I am non-binary.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: We have covered this, but I do not care about masculine or feminine and non-binary titles.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I consider myself a big sister, a wife, sit.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you get it.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: And to know me is to know that I am extremely close to my siblings.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: All of my siblings are younger than me, except for two.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: But we'll get into that in a second.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because right now, you already know it's time to do a little gratitude.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are listening today, say something out loud that you're grateful for.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're watching, drop something below in the comments.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Today, I am grateful for music.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I'm not like a professional, like can break down and deconstruct all the different elements of music and all those things.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: But I am someone who really appreciates music out of all the art forms with like movies, plays, painting, and stuff.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like music is something that connects to me on like a spiritual level.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, it does something really like to my soul.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I lean on music for anything good times, bad times.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's gotten me through a lot of different times.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, music is really like my go-to.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, let's get into it.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because Big Sister Duties be happy.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Let me paint y'all a picture of my entire army of siblings.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, growing up, I had five brothers.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Two on my mom's side, three on my dad's side.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: On my mom's side, I am the middle, so I have an older brother and a younger brother.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: On my dad's side, I am the oldest.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I have three younger brothers.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: So that is five brothers through blood.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I also have a stepsister that I grew up with, and I have now through marriage three brothers and a sister.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: So, due to math, that's a lot of goddamn siblings.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Not to mention, all but one sibling through marriage is also younger than me.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: So that just added to the younger siblings that I now have under my wing.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Right now, we are going to be talking about my childhood siblings, which are my five brothers.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now, to know me is to know, regardless of any of my siblings, I am extremely close, extremely close to my siblings.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: I love them.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: I have no children.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: They are the closest thing to like children, like that I could love in that capacity.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I really look at them like they're my entire world now, all but one are adults now.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so watching them go from literal boys to men has been wild.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: But like those still my babies, regardless.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: I even have a tattoo on my rib that says my brother's keeper.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: And hopefully they will uh repair the paper.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm still waiting.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all go on, y'all can do it.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's time to get something from me.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: But like, if I haven't driven it home, I love my siblings, right?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Background.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I also have an older sister.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Today is actually her birthday.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: By the time y'all are seeing this, who is my technical only full sibling, my only sister, but unfortunately, she passed away when she was born, and I never got to meet her.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so I spent my entire childhood hoping and praying that one day I would have a sister.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: So uh my parents split when I was four.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: They each went and went to new partners, and my dad and my stepmom got pregnant first, and I'm like, please be a girl, please be a girl.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it was not.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, oh, okay.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: But shortly after, my mom gets pregnant, and I'm like, please be a girl.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, cool.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, now I got these two little brothers, and we chilling, doing our thing, and then my dad is like, we're pregnant again, and I'm like, wonderful, it has to be a girl, right?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: My stepmom's having heartburn.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, that's a sign that it's a girl that's a lot of hair.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's not.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's a boy with very long hair.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And then fast forward five more years, same situation.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, bro, this has to be the last one.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, the clock is ticking.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Where's my girl at?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: One.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Just another long-haired boy.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, look, everybody stop.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sick of this.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I would like to think I had a lot of influence over the children stopping, but long story short, never got a sister.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: So here I am with these five amazing brothers that have been a part of my life and big influences on who I am today and my impact and childhood and all the wonderful things that make me up.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and no sister.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's just me.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: And obviously, I turned out the way I turned out.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: So my mom likes to joke that uh all her sons or like her three boys are home whenever I'm home.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because obviously, I'm the first thing feminine from Girly.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I've been this way my whole life.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, anyway, now I am this kid with brothers over in this house and brothers over in this house.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Growing up, me and my older brother used to beef, but we was always real tight.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: And when I got to like high school, we became real cool.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: And now we are good to go.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: But like my older brother, although I'm not necessarily speaking about him in this episode because obviously he's older, had a big influence on my life, was very impactful.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: I love him down.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, is like a father figure to me, but he knows, like, that's my guy.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: So now that you have the background context, let's get into what it actually means to be a big sister.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because this is a role that is given to you that you don't sign up for, it's just kind of put upon you, and you want to do the best job that you can when you have it, but you don't really understand the significance of being in it when you're a kid until you look back and you understand how impactful it was on you and your upbringing, and honestly, the relationships that you had with your siblings today.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I have always wanted to set a great example for each of my siblings, all my siblings, even my older brother.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I, because he was older, if he did something that wasn't necessarily like right, or if I perceived it as like, oh, I see he did that, I'm gonna do it a different way, and you couple that with my codependency with my mom and just wanting to be an overachiever achiever and being like the golden child that we will touch on another day.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I did a lot of things that were on paper right.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: I got the good grades, I excelled in basketball, I went to college, stayed out of trouble, like I did all those things, and a big part of the reason why I did that is because I knew I had four little ones behind me looking up to me very closely, and I'm modeling the behaviors and the ways in which you should go through life to them because I am the oldest, I have to set the example.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: And looking back, you know, that can be a lot of pressure.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: I put a lot of pressure on myself.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I didn't really have a lot of times where I got in trouble.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I honestly can't remember any, where it's like your brothers are looking up to you like you need to act a certain way.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like that was never the case.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like I understood that from early age and I moved forward accordingly.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like I never did anything that would compromise my image to them so that they knew if I could do it, they could do it.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I still lead my life in this way.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: They still look up to me in different factors.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it just looks a little different now because you know, like grown men.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: But I was like the blueprint for my brothers.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to make sure I showed them you can do things, you can get good grades and be good at sports and be like a good child and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like I try to be like the perfect sibling for them, but also because I have that little added layer of having to switch houses between my dad's and my mom's, feeling this guilt about like, does this set of siblings think I care about this set of siblings more?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: And trying to not show favoritism.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a lot of balancing and it was a lot of pressure to not only just be like perfect and lead by example, but to make sure I'm honoring each set appropriately.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And that was fun because I was already dealing with enough, but you know, they meant so much to me.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I it really mattered that they felt the love and received the love for me that I had to show them.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: My older brother was on a different path for me.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: He graduated high school, went right into the workforce.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I am technically the first child to go to college, graduate college.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: And even before that, like I was, what was this?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Freshman year, freshman or sophomore year of high school.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was honored the top athlete and student of my grade.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm really trying to set a standard here for my siblings, like really trying to hold it down.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was on, what was that, cumulati?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: Something.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I can't remember.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's been a while, forgive me.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: But I was like a top student of my class, got a scholarship, was a top athlete in the area.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm coming home, room is being kept clean.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to stay out of trouble and not like get any like dirt on my name in terms of like messing up to my parents, and I'm trying to balance it off and be a kid and go through all these emotions, but I understand how they are all looking at me to be this child, and now I've already set the tone with what my parents expect.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like I have to keep on this straight and narrow for a lot of different reasons, but like mainly because I need them to see that I am the sibling that they can lean on and they can model their behaviors in their life after.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: So like I had to keep it together, regardless of what I was going through.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're doing all that, and you're the first to do things, and because of the way in which you are able to handle and conduct yourself and achieve things, that weight becomes a lot, and there's a certain expectation that you have it together.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: So there wasn't a lot of like checking in and making sure it was just expected, like, oh, RJ got it, and so it's like, oh, now I really can't mess up.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: When you are in that position, it can be heavy.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to say a burden because like I wouldn't have it any other way, but um it's a lot, especially when you in them teenage years, it's all very confusing.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: So being that older sister, older sibling, it it can give you a lot of um pressure, but it also ignites a protection in you that is like any other.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I specifically remember saying at a young age that I am willing to die or go to jail over my siblings, and I meant that, and up until a few years ago, and kind of even still today, like I live by that.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: Today I have more emotional regulation and capacity and boundaries to where hopefully that isn't the answer, and I'm still with that, like I still mean that.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's just now I have four others, five others to consider.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, that increases chances of it, but hopefully it don't come to that.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: But like I'm very protective over each of my siblings, all 11 of them step-in-law, but feel the same way about all of them.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like, the way I'm going to war over any of them about whatever, if it involves their safety or their well-being, is crazy.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Matter of fact, there have been a few instances where I have uh cut people off, cussed people out, pulled up, was very confrontational over my siblings.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: My dad's siblings specific or the siblings on my dad's side specifically, um, there have been some instances and situations involving them and my dad, and the oldest of my younger brothers um has been an adult for a while now, and so he has kind of adapted the same role that I have with the other two.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: And when situations come up where something's going on with them and my dad, there have been times where he's like, Let me handle this and not call RJ.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because he knows with the extent and the severity of certain situations, it don't matter.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna take it as far as it needs to go.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so he's like, Let me uh let me take care of it because we we don't need it to go wherever they think it's gonna go, which it wouldn't even get to that point, but I have no problem going there if necessary, you know, like that's how I'm living.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: And this has gone with in-law siblings too.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, certain situations have come up and I'm feeling the exact same way.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pulling up, it don't matter.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's like this is just something that is like in me.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't not mama bear, I don't know what that's like to feel that way about a child, but if I had to guess, this is pretty damn close to that feeling.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: And the thing is, as much as you want to protect them, you can't protect them from everything.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: So being this older sibling, especially as hands-on and as close as I am with all of them, each of them, I have come to a place where I have learned to not enable them by doing for them and being comfortable with letting them bump their heads and make their mistakes so that they can learn.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not great because you want to keep them safe, you want to keep them sheltered, but that ultimately does more harm than good because you can't shelter them and protect them from everything, and that's emotional, that's physical.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: The world, like you can't protect them from the world.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: So seeing this person today and allowing them all to go out and live their lives, is something I'm still trying to like work through and come to grips with because it's hard.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I see where you're headed, I've made this mistake, I can advise you, but I have to let you go.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: Before it's like, no, we're not doing this, you have to go this way.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: But these are people, individuals with their own life, their own journey, their own path that they have to go down and experience on their own terms.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I can't interfere with that.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I have gotten to a point where it's like, okay, I'm always going to be here to make sure you don't hit the ground.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that I don't care.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm always going to be your safety net at the end of the day, but that safety net has been lowered because I have to let you experience and live your life, and that's happened with each of my siblings at this point as I've been an adult, and it's hard.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: It is hard.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: The first time this really came up, like that switch that came up for me.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: 2020.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: I am in court for my DUI.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's COVID.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: There's a situation with my dad, and it involves my brothers, to where they have to leave his house and come to my house.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: At this point, there's been enough incidents or incidents that have led to this to where it's like, okay, I'm tired of this.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm looking to get legal guardianship.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to take it there.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I let's just eliminate this problem and let me take it.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, mind you, I have no license at this point.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in a one-bedroom apartment.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: There is now five of us in this apartment on two incomes, but it's the middle of COVID.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: People are getting furloughed, and things are just very uncertain.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: And the job I'm currently at and my wife is currently at at the time, not making a lot of money.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Damn certain enough to raise three children, one of two of which were teenagers.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Not the time.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I call my mom, and this is after court, why I decided to do this on this day, but I don't know.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think it was just kind of coming to a head.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: But my mom is very sound.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: I already use my mom for situations where I think I think of all the things, but if I go to her, she's going to see the gaps and let me know like, have you considered this?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I call her, I let her know.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: She also has context of me and my dad's relationship and just who this man is, obviously.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, look, I'm at the point where I'm ready to take them in.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I I'm tired of this.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, like, but I want to know your thoughts.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: Cause obviously, like, these are my siblings, these aren't your kids, so you don't have the emotional investment, and you can see what I don't.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: And she reminded me that first of all, these aren't our children.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, these are not my kids.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: As much as I love my siblings, they are not my children.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: They have parents, even kids or situations that involve her children.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, me stepping in to do things that should fall on the parents is not my responsibility.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, I know you love them, but that's not your place.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: And that was very difficult, very difficult.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um because she's absolutely right, like, I don't have kids, and I I can't step in.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: See, like I yeah.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um it was a it was it was very difficult to hear and to understand and to really realize that that's the case, like it's not my place.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: I have to let them be under the care of their parents.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: They were still minors at the time, and it wasn't my responsibility.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so what came from that was once the situation was better, it was a safer situation.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't like their life was in danger to begin with, it was just tumultuous.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I had to have a conversation with them and be like, look.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: I love y'all.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: I am always gonna be here, but this isn't my place to step in and interfere.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: And they, yes, there's a situation that right now it's a mess, but it's gonna get better, and ultimately they can take care of you better than I can.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: And y'all know y'all can come over whenever, but I can't take y'all in because that's going to do more damage to you.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that particular situation like really shifted things in my head and really throve home the fact that you can't protect them from everything.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that was uh that was rough.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but fortunately, I have done some growth, personal growth, adjusted the ways in which I show up from being a sister to younger kids and being a younger age sister to now we are all adults and we are developing this relationship as adults.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I've been able to make the adjustments and it looks a little bit different now.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: The ways in which I show up and the ways in which I hold space and just the ways in which we are in community in relation with one another.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: But I mean, there were plenty of times where I stepped in when the parents couldn't or wouldn't, um, whether that be for work or you know, sometimes parents just don't understand, especially back then, gentle parenting did not exist.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: It was just kind of like I'm the adult, and so you need to listen.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: That was kind of the general thinking of parenting in the 90s and 2000s, early 2000s.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so like really being that sibling and having that sibling connection was really important.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so being the older sibling, like, I'm making sure they're good.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when I'm old enough, I'm driving my little brother to school, picking them up.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: We go into the park, we going out on the weekends in college, they're coming to stay with me at my dorm room.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm really like hands-on with them and involved.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't even think like that's from an absence of parents showing up or not, like, I was that way anyway, and then you add on to like filling in the gaps where maybe the parents couldn't be there at the time, and with being as present and as hands-on as I was, and being in certain situations and experiences that overlapped with some of my brothers versus others, like there were times where I carried things so they wouldn't have to.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: There are times where I'm taking the point of the frustration or the punishment, I guess.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so they wouldn't have to.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: There are times where literally me and my dad are not cool, but I know if I don't have a relationship with him, I'm not gonna have a relationship with my brothers.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm literally faking the smile, the enthusiasm, the everything I need to be able to see my brothers for years.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because if I don't, that relationship gets cut off.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunate but true.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm willing to do that to maintain this relationship with my siblings.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we get put in positions where we carry things that aren't ours, and as a person in like relationships or an adult now, I'd say don't do that.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: But as a sibling, especially growing up, it's difficult to just put that down and not pick up that option when you know the alternative is your siblings are gonna be the ones who are impacted in a negative way.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I was always trying to lessen the load, lessen the harshness, negativity that was directed at my siblings.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I can handle it, I can take it.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: Don't put that on them because I got it, because I'm the older sibling.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: I can't actively knowingly let them take it.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I used to put myself in positions to where it's like, I am your protector, I am going to make sure that you're okay, and I am going to get in front of any danger that is headed your way, or not danger.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like we were never in danger, but you know what I mean.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: But that as a cost, that plays a toll, especially when you add it onto other life experiences, your own experience as a child in your household or households in my case, and uh that could add up over time.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: There have also been times where, many times, where you gotta show up even when you don't have it.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: Not gotta, but I'm showing up, was showing up when I didn't have it, when I'm depressed, when I'm stressed, when I'm in court, I'm broke.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: But y'all need to take space, I'm that safe space for you.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: When I am in school, and I hear you acting up at home, so I have to drive after practice to come see you, to come check on you, because I'm that hands-on, and I'm talking like two hours each way.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do as a sibling.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, as a human in the world, I understand that's not the case, but when it's your sibling or when it's your kid, like that kind of just goes out the window because you're gonna do whatever you need to to make sure that they're good.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: And when you are as involved as I am, that can mean a lot of different things.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: And now I have siblings who are in a much further place from where I am, they're hundreds of miles away.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and there was one time last year, actually, where one of my siblings needed me, and they are in the hundred miles away, right?
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: And my wife is like, I'm gonna go see them.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: They really want you to come.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: At the time, I had nothing to give, like, nothing.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm barely hanging on myself, and they were almost an adult at this time, so I'm like, look, I'm so sorry.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I I cannot do it.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: I also didn't do it because they were literally coming up to here where I was in like a month, and I was like, I'll make it up to you.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: But like telling them I couldn't, and not being able to show up for them in that moment in the physical, even though my wife is going and it is their technical sibling by blood, like I it still hurt, it was still very difficult for me to not show up.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I can't, I don't know if I can put myself on that situation again.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, it can be kind of like codependent and not really honoring boundaries, but I try to do a great job of honoring my boundaries now, which is why I was honest with them and let them know that I couldn't, and let them know the ways in which I could show up.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but that's it's not easy to let someone you love know, like, I can't show up for you right now because I don't have it.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of the times I'm showing up even when I don't have it.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: So that can make you feel pretty guilty and just like a bad sibling, even though I understand it's not true.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because again, you gotta let people, these people who are people in the world, be people and experience life.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: But that still doesn't make it any easier with not feeling guilty or shameful or sad that you can't show up.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: That also goes for when they're experiencing life situations or they're struggling or just like going through the phases of becoming an adult.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: My oldest little brother.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: We've had a lot of conversations leading up to him becoming an adult because I understand my dad, I understand how it works, and I'm like, look, I have basketball to fall back on a scholarship, etc.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_01: My brother didn't play sports, um, not by choice, but he didn't play sports, so I knew a scholarship one and an answer.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_01: My dad ain't got no fucking money for college, so I'm like, okay, we gotta get this sorted out before you get to this point.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to give him the game before he gets to this point because I'm like, this is what's going to happen when you hit 18.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna get real rough for you because this is not a man who necessarily wants to take care of kids.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, shit, let's call it what it is.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're 18, he's going to use that against you.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_01: Graduates high school, 18 hits, boom, brother gets put out.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: So at this point, we've had lots and lots and lots of conversations.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_01: I let him know, I'm like, hey, again, I'm always willing to make sure that you're good.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: But if I continue to enable you, you're never going to learn because I could help you.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: But what happens when my help is out?
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: What are you gonna do?
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna help guide you and get you to the place that you can sustain on your own and take care of yourself.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: But this is this is the time limit that you have.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: So when he got put out, I was like, look, you can stay here for two weeks.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: Two weeks, you can spread it out, you can use it sparingly, you can stay here a full two weeks at one point.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_01: But after that, you gotta figure it out, and I'm going to help you figure it out along the way.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to pay for nothing while you're here.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_01: But we knew this is going to happen.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're here.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do we get to the next phase?
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because we have just closed that chapter of you being a child in your father's house.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now you are a man in the world.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_01: So, what do we need to do?
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_01: We need to find an apartment.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: You have a job, that is great.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_01: We need to find somewhere that you can sustain your bills and see what those bills are.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: So, stay with us for two weeks, we have more discussions.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna say he got an apartment right away after, but shortly after, he is in an apartment, he got a car, he still has a job, he's taking care of himself and thriving.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: Before that happened, after he left my house, there was a struggle period.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: Hated to see the struggle period.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: Was communicating with him why I was letting him do this, but you always have me as a resource, but this is how you learn.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: It makes sense in my mind, rationally, right?
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like the ideas, but it doesn't make it any easier to see them go through it, especially when it's like you could just stay here and live with me.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_01: That fixes the immediate problem, but the long term, it's gonna be hurtful.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I am still trying to learn how to do this balance of letting you fall, but not too far.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like not letting the world take you out completely, but you need to feel the heat so that you know, especially because these are young black men in America, and I need to make sure they are all equipped.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_01: All of them, each of them, they're all young black men except for my two sisters, obviously.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's already set up to not work against to work against you, you know.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: I can't coddle you, I can't protect you, but I can help guide you as much as possible.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_01: And even I don't have all the answers because I'm not a black man.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna do what I can, but you have to learn, and I'm not gonna be the one to get in your way of learning by doing everything for you.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: And even though I get that, it's still it's still easy to accept.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_01: And that's just like physical things.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_01: When they're going through mental things, oh oh man, it even if I was a person who had no experience with dealing with depression, anxiety, or whatever, it is still very difficult to witness your siblings, let alone your younger siblings, go through these things.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, I've seen all of them go through different mental health things at different stages of their life.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: And all I can do is advise and be here to support, check in on them, make sure they're good, but I can't take their hurt, their frustration away.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_01: And that's still something that is hard because you want to overstep, you want to sign them up for therapy, you want to do things that you know are gonna be helpful, but again, these aren't my kids.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: The most hands-on thing that I ever did, um, I think I touched on this, was one of my siblings was having some mental health issues, and we uprooted for six weeks to go take them to get help, and uh that was an extreme case, but also the situation was severe.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: And like that's what I wish I could do for all of them, but that was a a one-off, extreme situation.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_01: That was years ago, I was younger, different financial situation.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I know like even with that situation, like we did all that and then sent them back.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I still couldn't control anything else that was going on.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I try and keep this in mind, and it's like, okay, so that has to affect the ways in which I do show up.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_01: I can't just jump in and save them because when I send them back to their homes, I have no influence over what's impactful, and that's hard, that's very hard.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_01: Being an older older sibling, um, fortunately, I've lived relatively close to all my siblings.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_01: I can get to all of them within a day, some of them within like a half hour.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_01: At most, six hours, like everyone's pretty close, and even being that close, I still can't protect them from everything.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to do better.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to get to a better place, but it's I'm only human and God ain't done with me yet.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_01: I try to let them in when I'm not in a good space, but I'm so conditioned to being the sibling who has it together, who knows what to do, that I don't allow them to see that side of me, at least not like intentionally.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like sometimes they'll be around me when I'm not in a good mental health space, but I'm trying my best to feel better in front of them.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's something I'm still working on, but the fact is I don't right now, and so when you are the one showing up for them and not letting them kind of show up for you, even though I don't understand yet how I could, but definitely open to exploring.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's lovely, it's tough because it's like who who do you lean on for support?
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm me and my older brother are getting to a place where we're checking in about things, but that to the lot of relationship building and falling out and falling back, and I'll tell the story one day, but um, all I can say is of big girl panties.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_01: That was almost a straw that broke the camel's back, and we have grown so far since then.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_01: But other than that, I don't lean on my siblings for support, especially being 32 years old, and these are mid to young 20s to teenagers still.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't know how to really show up, so I'm just taking this on by myself, like so to speak.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I talk to my wife, of course, but I haven't gotten to a place where I can share things with them, or at least I don't understand how to do so.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna say I can't, because I do talk to my siblings about a lot of stuff that's going on in life, but usually when it comes to like emotional mental health type situations, it's me checking in on them because I don't want to dump on them, if that makes sense, and so I don't have that check in with me.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_01: My older brother will check in, but I tell myself like he's going through so much, I'm not about to dump on him, and so I don't mean like sharing information about what I'm going through.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really have advice with that.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_01: This is something that, you know, that is part of being a big sister in my particular situation, and just like anything, there are a lot of hard parts of growing up and loving people so deeply and not being able to save them from everything, and that having negative impacts on your mental health, but the joy of watching these boys, these kids, turn to humans with their own identities and beliefs and expressions and ways that they show up in the world has been such a great pleasure and honor.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_01: And even though I have not been able to see or been in the lives of my in-law siblings since they were born, like I came into their lives, what, 10 years ago?
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so I've been around since they were like young kids, and now they're a technical adult, I guess.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and in high school, like, and they're their own people, like it's it's wild, like to see them become beings outside of just being this younger kid that's in your house or that's in your life, you know?
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like hearing what's going on in their world, seeing them in their extracurricular activities and how people engage with them and how they are like being received in the world and their communities and their friend groups, looking at social media exchanges and when they're posting pictures, it's like, wow, you really have your own little lives.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_01: And especially them little high schoolers, both boys, so they both think they're too cool and they be trying to not smile and and all their pictures.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mm-mm, we're breaking that down.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_01: As one, I'll call him Sunshine because he is such a stoic little being and refuses to smile.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm gonna get a smile out of him every time I see you.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't you ain't too hard for me, and I break through that every time.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I really love that.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's really like a joy because like you can be who you want in the world and have all these other people fooled or think they know you, but like to really know you and to understand you and to see the ways in which you're developing is really something that I am just incredibly grateful for and I don't take for granted.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it's like not to be close to my siblings on any side, and I can't relate to those who aren't close to their siblings, and I truly don't understand how you can't be close to your siblings.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_01: I get certain things come up, certain situations that are unforgivable, or like, you know, you gotta honor your boundaries, but to me, like, well, one, I know my siblings, I know there are certain things they're just not doing, certain lines they're not crossing.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_01: And staying within those parameters, to me, there isn't anything we can't come back from.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I like I can't imagine not being in their lives, not understanding what's going on with them, not talking to them.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_01: There is one sibling if you See this that I'd be calling or not calling because I don't want to call, but text and checking in on he living his life doing his thing.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_01: You can text me back.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_01: Or make sure you good.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_01: Make sure you're fine.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: Respond to my messages more.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_01: Let me know you're fine.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_01: But even that, like I understand you doing your thing, you grow up.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: You call me right now.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone call me right now?
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_01: One my youngest, youngest, youngest brother who got the closest to like my child because he was when he was born, I was 17, and I literally helped raise.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like now for the conversation about actions and consequences that I'm teaching him about, and he didn't honor the choices that he made, or he made a choice.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_01: So now we are in a situation where it's like, okay, you have to live by your choice.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I haven't seen him for a minute, and that has been difficult, but I have to prepare these boys to be mid in human beings in society, and have to fill in that gap.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_01: You get no way we should have to let him know that's not how the world works.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm counting down the days when I could see him again because I miss him so much.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_01: But we'll get into that before I start trying again.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_01: God damn it.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a simp soon.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a simple.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's nothing crazy.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_01: And he's good.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_01: So that's gonna be resolved real quick here.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_01: But back to my point.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_01: Just relationships with them, having your own inside jokes with them, and stories you can go back and talk about when that you have other people in the world who are going to be there for you no matter what.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_01: I think about them being uncles and aunts to my kids, and how they will just forever be people that know I can count on, I know we're going to be there, and I think about when they grow their families and their kids become really close, and they like that generation of cousins.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like it makes me so excited and grateful to have them here.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_01: Although I wanted a sister more than I wanted air to breathe when I was growing up, and changing them for the world, but none of them.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_01: I love them all, I'm grateful for them all.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_01: And they are all pretty goddamn funny.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_01: They're pretty funny.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um you know, I'm not just saying that because it's it's them like thank god.
• 46:58
  SPEAKER_01: Could you imagine having boring or like square ass siblings?
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, maybe then I'd get why you don't like siblings, but like these are some fun individuals, most of them when they aren't talking shit, because they can do that well too, but so can I, and then a little one with me.
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's a blessing that all of my siblings come to my house and they feel safe, they feel like this is somewhere that they know they always have.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_01: They almost all of them have keys to my house and they can show up at any time.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_01: They come and then like fall asleep, or they're really comfortable, like really show in their body, in their spirit that this is their safe, this is a safe place, you know what I'm saying?
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like that is really important to me with anyone who comes to my house, but like, especially like them, they know me, my home, my space, okay, always be a safe space for them, and to actually see that play out is amazing, and also I don't know what it's like on the other side and their perspective of having me as their older sibling, being able to grow up, change in the ways that I have gone through my trials and tribulations, and to still be loved, respected, and revered by them.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a decent human being with a good heart, even those moments where I doubt myself or might think negatively about myself, are the direct like reflection of who I am in the world and my impact, and the love I receive back from them lets me know that I'm not doing such a bad guy.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: So obviously, everybody's an adult, living their lives, going to school, work, whatever, and we aren't in the same houses as we were before.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because Big Sister has absolutely helped make me the person that I am.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_01: The care and patience and responsibility, the ways I show up for other people, the capacity I can hold for other people, the understanding that I have with others, the levels in which I'm able to meet people at all comes from being a big sister, being a sister, because I have experiences of being a younger sister too.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_01: So like I understand what it's like to feel not heard, or what it looks like to be heard when you're coming to somebody.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_01: So being that sibling, that older sibling, absolutely impacted who I am in the world, has definitely helped make up who RJ is.