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Why YOU DON'T need an apology from a narcissist in order to move forward · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people.
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  Today we're going to be talking about why you do not need an
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  apology from a narcissist. You want one, but you do not
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  need one. If you're new here, my name is
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  Lee Hammock. I'm a self aware narcissist and
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  welcome to another episode of the Narcissist Code.
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  So boom, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back folks.
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  Yes, yes, yes, yeah. This is not meant to be a touchy
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  subject right here, y'all, but I know it's going to touch a lot
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  of people and I don't want to touch.
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  I don't want to touch you in the wrong way, so to speak.
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  This question was, I mean, this kind of this video idea was
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  inspired from someone in my support group called the Mental
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  Healers. You can find that at
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  mentalillness.net. Scroll down and she was saying
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  that she needed an apology. She's like, why?
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  I feel like I need an apology. I want this person to apologize.
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  I'm just venting, but I want them to apologize and I, and I'm
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  always going to respond with this right here.
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  Y'all. You don't need them to
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  apologize. Narcissists want to be needed,
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  right? I told you, I said this before
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  over and over again. Narcissists want to be needed at
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  our core. We want to be needed for
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  something. We absolutely do.
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  We want you to need us for something.
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  So if you need us to apologize, that's a victory for us right
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  now. If you need us to apologize to
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  you, that's a victory for us. And that allows us to still have
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  some type of power and control over you, right?
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  So that's why I tell people you do you don't you want one?
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  Of course you want an apology from people that have done you
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  wrong. You like, I want this person to
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  apologize, but as long as you are needing it and using the
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  word need is going to kind of keep you stuck in this space
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  right here with this toxic narcissistic person.
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  It's going to kind of keep you entrapped here in this
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  relationship space with this toxic narcissistic person.
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  This is just the way it goes. This is one of the things that
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  that continuously happens to people in these relationships.
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  Like I just need them to apologize.
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  I need, I need it, I need it. I just want to reach out to one,
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  reach out to them one more time to hear them say I'm sorry or
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  tell me that they're they, they know what they did wrong and
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  they're so sorry for what they did to me.
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  I understand that. I get that part of her.
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  I promise you I do, but as long as you're doing that, the
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  narcissist has the power, the narcissist, the toxic person has
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  the control within that situation, within that dynamic.
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  And a lot of y'all noticed to be true because like you want to
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  reach out to them. This is why a lot of times we're
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  doing when you are no contact with them or if you still living
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  with them, you want them to just look at you and just say, hey,
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  look, I'm sorry because you want them to feel you want them to
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  feel something for you. Because if they apologize,
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  they're acknowledging you, they're acknowledging your
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  worth. And a lot of times doing these
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  relationships, they never acknowledged you, right?
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  They didn't acknowledge you. They didn't tell you that you
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  were beautiful. They didn't tell you that you
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  were handsome. They didn't just say thank you.
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  They never thanked you. They never did anything during a
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  relationship. So now after relationship has
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  ended or is ending, or y'all are disconnected now you need now
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  you expect them to do something for you.
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  You see what I'm saying? That's a, I'm not saying it's a
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  crazy mindset to have, but that's the how that benefits the
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  narcissist And it, it, it kind of takes away and stifles you on
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  your own healing journey. And I understand, like said,
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  because so many people are angry and they feel like if I get this
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  apology, I can have somewhere for the anger to go.
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  Like I can have somewhere from the anger to go.
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  I just need, I can release this anger once they apologize, you
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  know, once they say sorry for what they've done, what they've
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  put me through, I can release this anger.
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  You have to find a way to release it first.
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  You have to find a way to let go of the anger first.
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  You have to find a different outlet, a different vent and
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  whatnot because we'd like, let's keep it high.
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  I feel the rat bubble coming out.
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  I feel like I had one of these in a while.
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  Let's just keep it hot and ready like a little Caesar pizza.
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  You don't need it, you want it. You want it.
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  You, you want to know that you matter.
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  And that's 100% understandable. Like I want to know that I
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  matter. I like, why did you feel like
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  you need an apology? Because the apology would be
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  just an acknowledgement of what they did.
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  And it would just let them know that they feel bad and they feel
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  sorry. They feel guilty for what
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  they've done. Narcissistic people lack
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  empathy. So how are they supposed to be
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  feel guilty like that? Y'all, they're going to blame
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  you. They're going to blame you for
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  what you have done. So you would you rather break no
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  contact and try to get them to apologize to you?
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  And they say I'm sorry you feel that way.
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  Is that an apology? They use the words I'm sorry,
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  I'm sorry you felt hurt. I'm sorry you got hurt.
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  I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you expected me to be
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  because your standards are so high.
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  I'm sorry this, I'm sorry that those are not apologies.
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  They sound like apologies, don't they?
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  They absolutely sound like apologies, but those are not
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  apologies. They absolutely are absolutely
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  are not apologies. They have to look.
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  Just because if somebody says I'm the words I'm sorry doesn't
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  mean it's an apology. It doesn't mean that they're
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  actually sympathetic with their apology.
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  The best behavior, the best apology is change actions.
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  And narcissistic people rarely ever are ever going to change
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  their actions. They're rarely ever going to
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  change the way that they perceive the word.
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  They're rarely ever going to feel bad for what they have done
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  for an extended period of time. They might feel bad in moments.
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  It might come in, it might come in waves, you know, it might
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  come in waves. It does sometimes it does come
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  in waves sometimes, you know, but they're out to get rid of
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  the waves, to get out of this guilt water, this guilt, this,
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  this sea of guilt, this lake of guilt, this pond or ocean of
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  guilt. They blame you, they put it on
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  to you. So what I'm saying, if you're in
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  no contact right now, feeling like you need an apology, you
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  don't need it from them. Sometimes you sometimes the best
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  apology can come from within. If you feel like you need an
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  apology for somebody, apologize to yourself, forgive yourself.
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  I'm sorry you're forgiven to yourself.
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  Self forgiveness, self compassion because that's one of
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  the tenants of healing right? There is self love, self
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  compassion and self and like self empathy, like say some
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  compassion for yourself. What about you?
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  Apologize to yourself. What am I apologize to myself
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  for? Lee?
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  Apologize for what you did not know because sometimes people
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  stay when they did not know. When you ever hear me say if you
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  were my support groups or whatnot or we doing a one-on-one
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  or whatever, I'm doing some culture.
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  I always say give yourself some space and some grace.
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  The space to heal and the grace to forgive yourself.
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  What you did not know in order to forgive yourself, in order to
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  forgive, there has to be an apology involved, right?
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  I'm sorry looking at you. Look in the mirror and say I'm
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  sorry. I forgive you.
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  It's going to hurt because you're going to dig deep on what
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  you're apologizing to yourself for.
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  You're going to dig even deeper to forgive yourself for whatever
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  you yourself are apologizing for.
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  You don't need it from the narcissist.
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  You don't need it from them. You need it from you.
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  You need to hear the words I'm sorry.
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  Say it to yourself, forgive yourself.
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  That's it's so important. These are even steps that I've
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  taken on my own personal growth journey right here, my own
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  personal growth journey. I had to apologize to myself for
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  what I did not know. I had to forgive myself for who
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  I was, forgive myself for what I did not know.
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  But I'm guess what the best apology is change behavior.
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  So I said the words, I'm sorry to myself, but I also changed my
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  behavior. I've been changing my behavior
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  for seven years, but changing my behavior for a long ass time so
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  that my apology is that my own apology to myself is has been
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  backed up by actions. Is this not me babbling off
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  words to myself? I'm backing up my own apology
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  with actions. I am, I am.
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  I'm backing up my own apology with actions.
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  That's what I'm doing. You don't need it from them.
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  You need it from you. You need to hear it from
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  yourself because you might, you might be sitting around forever.
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  Imagine five years down the road, want to still hold on to
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  wanting this person to apologize to you.
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  That means they have power over you and like this.
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  That's how my that's how my therapist shook me right here.
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  See, she shook my therapist shook me when she said if
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  anybody can, if you get emotional talking or thinking
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  about anybody, that person has power and control over you.
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  That person is in charge of you. You are not in charge of
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  yourself. That person, whoever they are,
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  is in charge of you. That just like there's little
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  fire, I'm there that lit this weird fire under me right here,
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  they did it lit this weird fire underneath my my soul patch.
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  You know, I mean, it really did. I hated it.
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  I hated it with a raw seething passion.
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  But guess what? I'm still moving forward.
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  Guess what? I'm still going to be as strong
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  as I possibly can. Guess what I'm still doing me.
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  I'm still going to be me. I'm trying to empower y'all in
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  order to keep moving forward. I'm trying to empower you in
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  order to be as powerful and as strong as you can.
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  This, this the reason I make these videos to let you know
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  that you don't need it. Like the lady in my group, I'm
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  telling her the same thing. I told her the same thing when
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  we did it one-on-one. You don't need that apology.
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  You want it so badly, but you don't need it.
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  You don't need it. You feel like you do You don't.
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  You can release, you don't need them to release anything.
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  You don't need them to be able to release anything within you.
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  All the tools you got, you like all the tools, you got them in
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  your tool belt. You got them in your purse, your
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  book bag, whatever. Your wallet.
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  All the tools you need, you already have them.
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  You come equipped with them so you can absolutely move forward
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  in these situations. You can absolutely do all the
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  stuff in these situations and still win.
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  You can still win. You can still do you.
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  You can still be you in these situations.
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  Otherwise, I try to convey to you, as long as you feel like
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  you need it, they have power over you.
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  They have control over you. And we are like we are not in
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  the business anymore of giving narcissists power and control
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  over us, regardless of what role that narcissists has played in
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  our life. Rather, it's your boyfriend,
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  girlfriend, husband, wife, spouse, partner, your parent,
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  your friend, whoever it is. You know what I mean?
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  One of my narcissistic friends betrayed me in one of the most
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  horrible ways last year. One of the most horrible
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  betrayals I ever had in my life. Trying to ruin my whole social
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  media platform. I cut them off.
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  I was angry as hell and I blocked them like 5-6.
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  Well, we were friends for like 5-6 years.
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  One betrayal. It was an ultimate betrayal.
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  Like we done peace, peace and I was out.
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  I was so angry. Now, if I needed an apology for
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  him, I'll still be reaching out to him or trying to stay in
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  contact with him I don't need. I would still be harping on it,
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  still be angry at that. I'm not angry.
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  I wish him the best. The best.
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  The best can't come for me though.
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  The best can't be around me. The best can't be with me around
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  me. The best can't be benefiting
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  from anything that I do. The best can't.
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  My best don't involve you. You can say the same thing.
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  My best don't involve you. You can say this to your parent,
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  your parent, your parent, your friends, your family members,
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  whoever it is in your life. Your best does not involve them.
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  You can say that I'm not telling you how to cut your parents off,
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  whatever y'all. Don't be like leave to everybody
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  cut their parents off. I'm not saying that.
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  I'm saying your best doesn't necessarily have to involve
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  having them around 100% of the time.
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  You are stronger than you ever thought you were.
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  You are more capable than you ever thought you were.
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  You have the power control, you are wonderful, You are
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  fantastic. I can say all of this type of
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  stuff, y'all, but you have to believe it.
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  You have to believe you don't need it.
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  You want it. You don't need it.
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  You need it from me. You you need it from you.
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  You need you that's self love right there you need you that's
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  like that's the is that new brand right there wait a minute.
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  I'm going to I'm copyrighted in that immediately.
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  Don't you dare I'm Jung if you're if y'all do you use the
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  brand you need. You just see me see me a shirt
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  or something I'll rocking for you.
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  I will. I appreciate every single one of
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  y'all. Go apologize to yourself, go
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  forgive yourself, change your behaviors, work on you, love
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  you, and if you're interested, join yourself.
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  Join the mental healers my join the mental healers, my support
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  group. Anyway, y'all thank y'all.
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  Thank you for tuning in. I appreciate every single one of
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  y'all. Hit that subscribe button if you
• 11:56
  haven't already. We're so close to 500,000 which
• 11:58
  is insane. Maybe one day we'll hear the
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  Millie. Anyway, y'all, mental illness is
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  out. Peace, Thank you so much for
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  making it to the end of my video.
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  I am extremely grateful for you have no idea.
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  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
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  to the channel helps reach more people and click on the screen
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  to watch another video or to browse to another playlist.
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  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
• 12:18
  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
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  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
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  I will see you in the next video.
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  Peace.