Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Confident or Showing Off? How to Help Kids Stay Humble Without Crushing Their Spirit

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Confident or Showing Off? How to Help Kids Stay Humble Without Crushing Their Spirit · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. What is it
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: with some kids? They're just so confident that it can
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: rub us up the wrong way. They're not necessarily sensitive
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  Speaker 1: to what's going on for other people. They're a little
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  Speaker 1: bit rude, arrogant, annoying, They kind of maybe even embarrass
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: us a little bit. Is it them or is it us? Today?
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: A tricky question about how we develop character in our
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: kids when they're a little bit extra, a little bit
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: too much. Stay with us. Hello, Welcome to the Happy
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Families Podcast. Real parenting solutions every single day on Australia's
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting and podcasts. We are Justin and Kylie Colson,
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  Speaker 1: and we appreciate so much you're listening. Thank you for
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: taking time out of your day to listen to the
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: pod and hopefully pick up on something that might just
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  Speaker 1: make your family happier. Every Tuesday on the Happy Families Podcast,
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  Speaker 1: your tricky questions about family in relationships and wellbeing and
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: discipline and anything else that you can think of. You
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: can literally ask us anything if you would like to
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: submit a tricky question, got a super simple system at
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Happy families dot com dot I. You scroll down to podcasts,
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: click the record button, start talking. It's really that simple. Alternatively,
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: you can just open up your phone, create a voice
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: note and send that through to podcasts at happy families
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au. Here is today's tricky question.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, my name's Joanna from Melbourne. I'm looking for some
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  Speaker 2: help for my twelve year old daughter. She's the most delightful,
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  Speaker 2: kind and thoughtful girl and he's super confident in most
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  Speaker 2: things in life and I love it because she's willing
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  Speaker 2: to always give things a go. However, her confidence can
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  Speaker 2: be a little of an issue at times, as it
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  Speaker 2: comes across as if she's showing off a bit and bragging.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think she even realizes she is doing this herself,
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  Speaker 2: and it's not done in a nasty, snipy way. It
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  Speaker 2: really is just done in a way to get attention.
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  Speaker 2: I'm looking for ways to be able to help her
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  Speaker 2: with this and teach her to be humble and stop
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  Speaker 2: showing off because I'm worried it's going to start creating
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  Speaker 2: issues with friends, but I also don't want to squash
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  Speaker 2: her pride and confidence at the same time.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks for any help, so Kylie, I feel like Johanna
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  Speaker 1: has come to the right person for the right people.
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  Speaker 1: We've had a running gage.
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  Speaker 3: Don't put me in this.
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  Speaker 1: We've had a running gag in our home for approximately
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  Speaker 1: thirty years that I'm the humblest person that I know.
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  Speaker 3: Like I said, this is all you now.
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  Speaker 1: It's a joke, I know, but I want to give
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  Speaker 1: people humble competitions. I'm so humble, I reckon, I could
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  Speaker 1: beat you in a humble I'm proud of my human ldy.
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  Speaker 1: That's how humble I am. On the serious side, though,
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  Speaker 1: what I love about this message, Kylie, this voice note
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  Speaker 1: from Joanna is just how highly she speaks of her daughter.
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  Speaker 1: Like you can hear, there's this beautiful ability to assume
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  Speaker 1: the best of intentions with her, this ability to see
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  Speaker 1: what a great kid she is. And I absolutely love that.
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  Speaker 1: All right, so let's talk about this. Something that both
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  Speaker 1: of us touched on when we were reflecting on where
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  Speaker 1: this conversation could go was our experience with our own daughters.
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  Speaker 1: We have six of them, All of them except for
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  Speaker 1: our youngest, have now reached the age of Joanna's.
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  Speaker 3: If she's got confidence, we want to do everything we
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  Speaker 3: possibly can to completely and utterly bubble.
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  Speaker 1: Wrap that coy Yeah bottle, Oh my gosh, get her
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  Speaker 1: to drink a big scoop of it every morning and
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  Speaker 1: every night.
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  Speaker 3: Because inevitably, what we've experienced with each of our six
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  Speaker 3: girls as at some point someone something absolutely annihilates it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and when that bubble burst.
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  Speaker 3: Devastation of watching that bubble burst is so heartbreaking for everybody.
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  Speaker 1: The most popular presentation that I deliver in schools but
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  Speaker 1: I'm talking to teenage girls, is a presentation called enough,
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  Speaker 1: asking this question, am I enough? Because I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: Something happens between ten and fourteen where girls suddenly lose confidence.
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  Speaker 1: I'm certain that social media has a lot to do
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  Speaker 1: with it, but it was happening even before Facebook was
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  Speaker 1: on the scene. There is a decrease in confidence. There
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  Speaker 1: is a decrease. Unfortunately now it's not across the board.
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  Speaker 1: Some girls are immune to it, but there is a general,
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  Speaker 1: on average drop in that feeling of confidence, that willingness
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  Speaker 1: to share. So my first impulse is to say, just
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  Speaker 1: enjoy it. I know it's annoying, I know it can
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  Speaker 1: be embarrassing. Usually it's about us more than about them.
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  Speaker 1: And I also get the worry that Joanna is highlighting
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  Speaker 1: like my daughter, if she keeps on doing this. It
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  Speaker 1: could look like she's rubbing it in people's faces. It
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  Speaker 1: could look like she's insensitive because she doesn't understand the
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  Speaker 1: struggle that other people are having, because she's just aced
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  Speaker 1: this test or done really well with this performance or whatever.
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  Speaker 1: It is definitely worth highlighting. At this age, a lot
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  Speaker 1: of kids are kind of clumsy developmentally. We should not
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  Speaker 1: be expecting that they're going to have a sophisticated social awareness.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think it's fair that we expect, though, that
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  Speaker 1: our twelve year olds have the same level of self
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  Speaker 1: awareness and the same level of humility and the ability
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  Speaker 1: to restrain their emotions and their excitement about things to
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  Speaker 1: the same level that maybe a twenty or a thirty
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  Speaker 1: or a forty year old might so. Developmentally, I would
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  Speaker 1: say that this is normal, but also really generally positive.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want it to sound like I'm dismissing your concerns, Joanna,
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  Speaker 1: because I get the worry around it, But at a
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  Speaker 1: general level, I think this is more of a good
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  Speaker 1: problem to have than a bad problem to have.
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  Speaker 3: I would agree with you, but I think that there's
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  Speaker 3: a few things that we could do to counter the
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  Speaker 3: challenges that she can see coming she's watching this train
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  Speaker 3: rack about to happen, right, so she can see what
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  Speaker 3: could happen. And so I think that there's definitely some
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  Speaker 3: things we could talk about after the break to help
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  Speaker 3: navigate this situation.
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  Speaker 1: Confidence is precious. We don't want to dampen it. Too
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  Speaker 1: Many girls lose their confidence. Adolescence has a way of
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  Speaker 1: extinguishing that flame of confidence and delight. But we do
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  Speaker 1: want to help Joanna to help her daughter be a
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  Speaker 1: little bit more mature in the way that she expresses
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  Speaker 1: her enthusiasm and confidence, because sometimes it looks like it
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  Speaker 1: could tread on toes, it could become a little bit
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  Speaker 1: prickly for her, and we'd like her to have and
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  Speaker 1: maintain positive relationships. Kylie, I've got a couple of ideas.
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  Speaker 1: You've got a couple as well. Let's hear from you first.
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  Speaker 3: So one of the things that I think is really
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  Speaker 3: important is helping our children to be people builders. When
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  Speaker 3: we give our children opportunities to celebrate other people's successes
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  Speaker 3: and achievements, that goes a long way to helping to
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  Speaker 3: kind of just curb that sense of bragging that comes
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  Speaker 3: as as a result of their sharing. We can be
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  Speaker 3: really excited about something that we've achieved, and it's not
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  Speaker 3: necessarily a brag. But if that's all we talk about
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  Speaker 3: and we don't see other people's achievements, then that's when
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  Speaker 3: it kind of rubs people up the wrong way. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I love that as an extension, maybe a slight step away,
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  Speaker 1: but along the same line teaching kids to be interested
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  Speaker 1: rather than interesting. Right when I'm telling everybody what I did,
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  Speaker 1: Look at what I did. Look how good I am.
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  Speaker 1: Let's wave my little flag around. We're trying to be interesting.
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  Speaker 1: But when we can show some curiosity and some interest
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  Speaker 1: in what other people are doing, that makes them feel
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  Speaker 1: so good, and it makes us look a lot more humble,
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  Speaker 1: a lot less prideful. Being interested in others is a
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  Speaker 1: big win.
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  Speaker 3: A little while ago, our homeschool daughter Emily was attending
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  Speaker 3: some acrobatic classes and she learned how to do lots
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  Speaker 3: of handstands and cartwheels and things. And she was part
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  Speaker 3: of this homeschool group and we were just down at
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  Speaker 3: the beach having a gathering together, and the girls all
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  Speaker 3: decided to do cart wells. Now, there were a number
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  Speaker 3: of girls in that group who could not do a
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  Speaker 3: handstand or a cart will to save themselves, and yet
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  Speaker 3: the girls who could do it, they rallied around these
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  Speaker 3: kids and cheered them on and gave them tips and
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  Speaker 3: worked with them to help them achieve the outcome. And
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  Speaker 3: what I loved about it was there was this level
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  Speaker 3: of confidence and the girls that knew what they were doing,
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  Speaker 3: but they didn't actually have to say anything because they
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  Speaker 3: were there to help the other people in the space,
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  Speaker 3: and it just it was such a beautiful moment to watch.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I really like that. You said you've got a
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  Speaker 1: couple of ideas, what's your next one?
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  Speaker 3: So my other idea is just sometimes we want to
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  Speaker 3: step in and teach our kids things before they're ready,
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  Speaker 3: and we're so worried about the train wreck that's about
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  Speaker 3: to happen, we jump in, and in our attempts to
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  Speaker 3: stop the train work, we actually create the train wreck
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  Speaker 3: in that we squash that confidence that we so did
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  Speaker 3: desperately want to keep intact. And so I think it's
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  Speaker 3: just really important as a parent to look for teachable moments.
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  Speaker 3: If you are watching an experience you know happen and
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  Speaker 3: take place, and you can read the body language of
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  Speaker 3: another girl, maybe later when you're tucking her into bed
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  Speaker 3: or you're having, you know, kind of ice cream down
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  Speaker 3: at the park. You might bring up the experience that
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  Speaker 3: they had together and ask her if she could, you know,
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  Speaker 3: if she noticed anything about the way her friend responded,
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  Speaker 3: or what she experiences when this happens, or you know,
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  Speaker 3: just opportunities to kind of help broaden her vision of
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  Speaker 3: what's actually happening, because because when we're excited about something,
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  Speaker 3: we kind of miss everything right because it's all about me,
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  Speaker 3: and the opportunity that we can have to encourage them
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  Speaker 3: to look outside themselves and see what's going on around them.
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  Speaker 3: It's those teachable moments that actually really help.
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  Speaker 1: So if I was again to build on that, my
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  Speaker 1: feeling is that there's only so much that you can
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  Speaker 1: protect your kids from, and and chances are she's going
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  Speaker 1: to say something insensitive, She is going to offend some
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  Speaker 1: upset somebody, tread on somebody's toes. My sense is that
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  Speaker 1: generally friends will teach your daughter more than you will
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  Speaker 1: teach your daughter. And as a parent, your job is
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  Speaker 1: not to keep on trying to fix her. Your job
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  Speaker 1: as a parent is absolute unconditionality. You can always say hey,
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  Speaker 1: I noticed something, and I wouldn't mind having a chat
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  Speaker 1: with you about it to see how you feel about
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  Speaker 1: it or if you've observed it. But my sense is
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  Speaker 1: that if you can give her that absolute unconditionality, the
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  Speaker 1: friends will teach her and then when things go south,
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  Speaker 1: which they no doubt will at some point, you can
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  Speaker 1: be the soft space and say, well, what do we
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  Speaker 1: learn from this? You don't have to teach the lessons.
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  Speaker 1: You can help her to have her own discoveries and
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  Speaker 1: she'll learn so much more as a result, because pain
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  Speaker 1: can be a pretty good teacher. We grow through pain.
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  Speaker 1: There's another idea that popped into my head as well,
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  Speaker 1: and that is this, if you do feel like you
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  Speaker 1: need to frame a conversation around this issue because it
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  Speaker 1: is coming up a lot, and you're seeing the signals
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  Speaker 1: and it's not just your embarrassment, like the signals are
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  Speaker 1: really there, it's useful to frame this around being a
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  Speaker 1: good friend and being inclusive. That that really piggybacks on
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  Speaker 1: your cart will story rather than showing off, what can
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  Speaker 1: we do to say, well, I have a level of
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  Speaker 1: confidence here and I'd love to build your confidence as well.
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  Speaker 1: There's really something in that Ultimately, raising kids is tricky,
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  Speaker 1: and our children have got to learn how to become
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  Speaker 1: socially aware and socially sophisticated and socially mature. And the
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  Speaker 1: best way to do that, unfortunately, is by experience. Experience. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and sometimes those experience as a positive, sometimes not so much.
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  Speaker 1: If you can be there for her unconditionally, Joanna, I
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  Speaker 1: think she's going to do great. And based on the
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: way that you spoke about her and the way that
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  Speaker 1: you introduced this question, I think you're doing a great job.
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  Speaker 1: I wish I wish that when I was a kid
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  Speaker 1: that I had a mum who spoke about me the
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: way that you speak about her. It's really really special.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: All right, we need to wrap it up there. Another
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: question next week. If you'd like to submit a tricky question.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Our super simple system is available at happyfamilies dot com
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: dot A. You you just click the record button and
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: start talking on the podcast page. Really that simple, or
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: send us a voice note. Podcasts at happy families dot
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: com dot AU. The Happy Families podcast. It's produced by
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. We really appreciate Mim Hammonds
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: and the great work she does with research, admin and
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: other support around the pod as well. Thanks so much
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: for listening. We'll talk to you again tomorrow on the
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: pod where we are going to step carefully into a
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: conversation about school avoidance such a challenge. That's tomorrow on
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast. More info at happy families dot
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: com dot au.