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Five Signs Your Relationship Is Dying · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: How do you know if your relationship is going through a difficult season or whether you're slowly becoming strangers?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about it.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Edge Drinking, your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: How do you know if your relationship is going through a difficult season or whether you're slowly becoming strangers?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about it.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: So most relationships don't end because of one big event.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: They end because of hundreds of small moments where two people slowly stop choosing one another.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: So the interesting thing is that many couples don't even realize it's happening until one person says, I don't think I love you anymore.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And and what I have found in my practices is that you can often see several years before that horrible statement is made, you can see it in people's behaviors and how they treat one another.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so today let's talk about these five signs about that maybe your relationship is dying and whether there's still time to save it.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get right into number one.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: You stop being curious about one another.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: So early in the relationship, and I remember this even in my own relationship, when I first started interacting with my current, my now, I shouldn't say current wife, my only wife, when I started interacting with her in college, we would, this was before social media, it was before digital, you know, it was before texting or anything like that.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Our dorm rooms had dial phones in them.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so you just dial the room number of of whoever you wanted to talk to.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember going late into the night talking for hours.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: It could be three hours sometimes.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I think back to that, I think, what did we talk about?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're just we're just these dumb college students that don't know anything about the world.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I think, whoa, what were we talking about?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: I still can't remember what we were talking about.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're just must have been just talking about random things.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, we did that.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: We talked because we wanted to know as much as we could about one another, we wanted to spend time with each other all the time, we wanted to do things with one another, we wanted to have the same classes, et cetera, et cetera.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so over time, though, some couples they stop doing this spending of time together.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: My my wife and I are about to go off for like a five-day getaway, and we're going, don't judge me, we're going to Disneyland and with no kids.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm so excited about this because I one like Disneyland, and two, I'm so glad that I get to go with her.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm looking forward to that.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'll let you know how it goes.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: See if it was as great as I think it was, as I think it's gonna be.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: But so in these relationships that you stop caring about your significant other, your partner, conversations become kind of transactional.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: You just talk about kids, you talk about bills, you talk about schedules, you talk about the logistics of having a family together.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that is important to do, but that shouldn't be the only thing that you're doing in your relationship.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so another thing that I see oftentimes is you assume you already know what your partner thinks about any kind of given scenario.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this can certainly be true with like, oh, what kind of food are they gonna like, or what kind of drink do they like?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: I know my wife likes iced tea.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: So if I get to a location before she does that, we're eating at, I will order an iced tea so that when she shows up at the table, guess what?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: There's an iced tea.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I know I can do that pretty confidently because that's usually what she gets.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: 99% of the time, she gets that or water.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll just splurge and get the iced tea.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then you and then another sign that you are are you not being curious about your partner is that you stop sharing your dreams, fears, frustrations about things.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: You stop having just kind of normal everyday conversations about the things that go on.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like I leave for work in the morning, she's at home with grandkids possibly, or some older young adults.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so she's interacting and having whole conversations with them.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm interacting, having whole conversations with clients, doing busy work with my business.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we come back together, we should be having conversations about our day.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: You should be having conversations about your day, and and then you should show interest in your partner and what they're kind of frustrated with, what they're scared of, what they're excited about, et cetera, et cetera.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so familiarity isn't the problem here because I've been married 31 years and I'm still curious about what my wife's doing throughout the day.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I just asked her last night, what are you, what do you have planned for tomorrow?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And she and I was not aware that she took a daughter to the train station this morning and and I saw her on the ring leaving, and I thought it was a different kid.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Then it turns out it wasn't, it was a different, it was another kid.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then we were able to have a conversation about that.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: So familiarity isn't the problem with people.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: I I think it's losing interest in who your partner is becoming or can be or is, or losing interest in the things that they have interest in.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: I think that becomes certainly very important.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: So what you instead of not being curious about one another, start being more curious about one another, asking them questions, asking them open-ended questions.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: So the second sign that your relationship is possibly having some problems is that you stop fighting, but not because things are better.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: There is a couple that we know that they're notorious, and the wife says this often, like, oh, we just don't fight.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: We just don't fight.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't and and from the outside, you can look at the relationship and think, oh wow, that's such a great relationship.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think there should be challenges in the relationship.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: There should be hard conversations at time because both of you are not the same person.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: You have different interests, different dreams, different desires potentially.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: I want to go to Japanese, a Japanese restaurant.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: My wife absolutely does not want to go to a Japanese restaurant.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: So guess what?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: We're have to have we have to have a conversation.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't get heated, but we have to have a possibly difficult conversation and find a compromise in that.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: But so you stop fighting, but not because things are better.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: So people often will assume that couples who don't fight have healthy relationships.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes the opposite is very is is true.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: One or both partners, and here's some ideas around this: one or both partners have given up trying to resolve problems because when they try to resolve problems, loud arguing happen, happens, people shut down, don't talk for days, there's avoidance that takes place.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so what people just learn is like we can't talk about hard things, so let's just not talk about hard things.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Silence replaces difficult conversations, things get swept under the rug.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: You aren't able to like move forward with difficult things, and so one person is left to do the difficult thing without their partner's help.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Resentment builds because nobody wants another pointless argument.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I would I would argue that there is not necessarily I want to just be very general.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Generally, there's not pointless arguments.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think something else is going on that lead people to argue, and that has to do with core values and core needs and things like that, but that's not what this podcast is about.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Another episode, possibly.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a difference, there is a definitely a difference between peace and emotional resignation.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Peacefulness would be the goal.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Emotional resignation is eh, I'm just gonna give up because it's not worth my time.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so sometimes the absence of conflict shows an absence of investment.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, we're doing life together, sure, we have a family, sure we show up at events together, but then do you have hard conversations about things?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: What if a one half of the partnership doesn't want to go to an event?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Will you always go to an event?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: What will people think if you don't go to the event?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: What will people think if you don't come show up with me at this event?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: They'll ask me questions.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then so then people just kind of blindly comply, and then years down the road, they think, Why am I not interested in this person anymore?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: I would say it's because you stop fighting, and it's because you don't stick up for yourself as an example, and it's okay to stick up for yourself in a relationship, it's part of what keeps people connected, I think, is sticking up for yourself, explaining your point of view so that the other person can, you know, maybe sit back and think, Oh, I didn't think of it that way before.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so then there's give and take in a relationship.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: So fighting is not does not necessarily make mean that things are better in a relationship.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Another example of why you or another thing that may show why that your relationship is dying is that you start living separate lives.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, again, I my wife reminded me this morning that I see not the worst people, but I see people in the worst situations.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so which is not untrue.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I see people who have come to the end of their rope, come to the end of their relationship, and they've tried everything they can to solve problems, and it's just not working.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things that I find is that people do start living separate lives from one another.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: What does this look like?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you can share a home, you can some maybe share children, maybe share financial responsibilities, but you share very little of your emotional life with your partner.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: So you so you spend more time on your phone than you do with talking with your partner, you make plans without considering your partner, you turn to other people for emotional support.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's a big one, I think, is that if a majority of your time is spent in a work environment and you're doing life with your coworkers, and then you come home and you're not doing life with anyone at home, of course, work is going to be the place where you want to be.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, the people your coworkers are gonna be the people that you want to spend more time with because you're quote unquote doing life with them.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I would say you're not doing life, you're doing fake life with them.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have bills with them, you don't smell their stinky breath in the morning, you don't have kids with them.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that is a grass is the greener type example.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: But I think if you start living separate lives, that's a good indication that your relationship is dying.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now, something that again I've heard people mention is like sleeping in separate beds.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Some people love sleeping in separate beds because who people get woken up because their partner's turning, snoring, cut making noise, whatever it is.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm I'm conflicted on that.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: For me, I do want to stay in the same bed with my wife.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: But if I was snoring and not getting my snoring addressed, I certainly could understand why she doesn't want to sleep in the same room with room as me.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't necessarily mean that you're living a separate life.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I think we've been wired to think if you're not sleeping in the same bed, there must be problems.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I used to think that way, but after talking to enough people, I don't think that way anymore.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: So that's not a that is not an example of living a separate life.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you're doing everything else together, except being inert for eight hours, you just don't happen to be sleeping right next to somebody.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: That is not a sign that you're living a separate life.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's a sign that maybe you have more peaceful sleep in your life, to be honest.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: And peaceful sleep is a can be a lifesaver for some people.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: So independence is healthy, emotional separation is different.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Two people can live in the same house and still feel completely alone for sure.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Number four, so affection becomes an obligation.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Physical and emotional affection start to disappear or feel more like something that you should do rather than something that you want to do.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Hugs, kisses, casual touch become less frequent, compliments, appreciation disappear.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: One partner may feel rejected while the other feels pressured.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then you start kind of directing some of that affection towards co-workers, getting your co-workers' gifts for their birthdays, complimenting your co-workers, or it could be even towards your kids, like complimenting your kids, spending more time with your kids than you are with your partner, lavishing gifts upon your kids and forgetting your partner.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: These are all these are all like bad signs, right?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: These are the signs that you should be paying attention to, like, oh, I need why is I'm noticing my partner is doing this.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Why is my partner doing this?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Why am I doing this?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: So these are the things that if you're doing those, it's a highly likely that you're in a relationship that is possibly dying.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: It matters what what matters I think most is whether people still care about maintaining connection and understanding each other's needs in this instance about affection.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: If you can sit here today and say, I care about my partner, I care about their emotional needs, I want to show them affection, then this is not a problem for you.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think this affection becoming an obligation is not a problem for you.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: I I want to spend time with my partner, I want to rub my partner's feet, I want to give my partner a kiss before I leave for work.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's me.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so I encourage people to show affection to your partner because that's a big sign of your interest in your partner.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, number five.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you stop imagining a future together.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: So this can be one of the more significant signs of emotional disengagement.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: So, like one of the things that my wife and I like to do is talk about the trips that we want to go on.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're not imagining vacations, retirements, major life changes with your partner, if you're just kind of looking forward to things that you want to do on your own, yikes.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a good sign.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: That that's it's highly likely that your relationship is not in a good place.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: So the idea of being single feels more like a relief than loss.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you no longer discuss shared goals.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: These are things that, again, are pretty clear signs that you're not in a good place in your relationship.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're if that is you, my encouragement to you is like get to a place where you are starting to talk about the future with your partner.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said earlier, we're going on a trip to Disneyland, and then and we've been married 31 years, so we're talking about going on a cruise, a Mediterranean cruise in like May of next year.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm look I'm the the big dreamer, I'm the big travel guy, right?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: If if I could just travel and not work, if I could travel, make money somehow from that, I would do that in a moment.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: But now that would be a challenge because my wife has no interest in traveling as much as that would be, as much as that would mean.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: But fantasizing about leaving doesn't necessarily mean you should leave, obviously.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it means you just want something in the relationship to change.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll say that again.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just because you're fantasizing about leaving, it doesn't mean that you need to or that you should.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: It probably more likely means that something in the relationship needs to change.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so then the question is, are you willing to do the thing to create that change in your relationship?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times people are not, and so then they end up end up divorced.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: So the thing that I want people to understand is just because your relationship has some of these signs, it doesn't mean that you're doomed to divorce.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean like, oh, too late, it's over.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, relationships go through seasons, just like parenting, you go through seasons of parenting.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: How you parent your two-year-old is much different than how you're going to be parenting your high schooler, hopefully.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so you get tired, you get overwhelmed, distracted.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you can kind of get so distracted that you feel hopeless.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I had a couple in here a week ago parenting a two-year-old.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I made very clear to them like this is just a season of life that you're experiencing.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, it's a hard season.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: And it seems like it lasts forever, but it doesn't.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was just looking through some pictures of my my older kids and thinking, man, I where that was just yesterday that they looked like this, and it wasn't just yesterday, it was like 15 years ago.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: But it feels like it was just yesterday.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: So here's the question I want to leave with you.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: If your relationship stayed exactly the way it is today for the next five years, would you be happy you stayed?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: And if the answer is yes, awesome.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: If the answer is no, then you need to do something to change the relationship with your partner and invite them along with you to do that change.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't talk to them about it, they may be confused on what you're trying to do and they may kind of dig their heels in.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: So, what are you willing to do today to make sure it doesn't stay that way?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: Are you willing to go to a therapist?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Are you willing to put your phone down?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Are you willing to go out on date nights?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's the common one that I talk to couples about is going on date nights.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: That is the easiest way to regain connection with your partner.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: So those are just five tips.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: There's lots of other tips, but those are just five things that were on my mind.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: So I would really encourage you if if you found yourself kind of in any of these five places, that you would seek out a third party to help you and your partner get reconnected.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: And date nights, well, here's my big pro tip: date nights is one of the most immediate and easiest ways that you can get reconnected with your partner on purpose.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: Love to hear from you at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.