Latest / Get Real Rae... Real Business & Life Advice / All or Nothing? Is it really helping

Transcript

All or Nothing? Is it really helping · Get Real Rae... Real Business & Life Advice

0:00
Hey, this is Rae with Get Real Rae, a place and space
0:04
for life and business tips from this creative soul to hopefully inspire
0:07
you on your journey or at the very least provide you with
0:09
some laughs.
0:10
And so let's get real.
0:13
Let's get real about how just because you're not going hard doesn't
0:19
really mean you need to go home.
0:26
Okay, so I this morning paid a bill.
0:32
I was really proud of myself for paying that bill.
0:35
It's a bill that has been on my please play this bill
0:38
list for about three months now.
0:41
And I finally paid it.
0:43
Yay, man.
0:44
Now, you might be saying, who cares that you fulfilled your financial
0:48
obligation.
0:49
But there's this thing that seems to happen.
0:56
It's not just with bills, but we're going to start with bills.
0:59
There's this thing that seems to happen what's like, oh, well, if
1:02
I can't pay the whole thing, if I can't do the whole
1:07
thing, then what's the point?
1:10
All or nothing, right?
1:12
I've seen this a lot when people are talking about making their
1:16
little social media videos about their student loans, right?
1:18
If I can't pay the whole thing, then what's the point?
1:23
I'm never going to get out of this debt, right?
1:25
And so, while for me, this bill was very small, I knew
1:34
that I still had some other bills to pay.
1:37
But making this bill a priority meant it was just gone.
1:45
I didn't have to think about it.
1:47
That was a really good feeling.
1:49
Now, I could have paid the bill, then jump back online, did
1:53
a few more hours of work.
1:54
But I decided, you know what, I'm going to jump offline.
1:58
And I'm going to go take a walk with some cute dogs.
2:02
Now, with that being said, as I was walking, I found myself
2:06
thinking, oh, I love this trail so much.
2:09
I would love to share these photos and this video with someone.
2:14
But I'm here I am on an island by myself, walking with
2:20
some dogs.
2:21
And none of my friends are gonna be like, oh, that looks
2:26
so pretty.
2:27
Wish I was there.
2:28
And even if they do say that, I say, hey, you want
2:32
to come out and hang out with me?
2:34
Oh, let me check.
2:36
Let me get back to you.
2:37
And then nothing for days or something.
2:46
Does that mean my friends just don't want to hang out with
2:48
me?
2:48
Is that what it is?
2:49
Oh, no, I don't know about these friends sometimes.
2:53
But I do understand.
2:57
For some of my friends, the type of work they have doesn't
2:59
allow them to just hop on a plane on a Sunday and
3:03
then work remotely the rest of the week.
3:07
And for others, they have other obligations like kids and PTA meetings
3:14
or what have you.
3:15
And so it's like, yeah, I'd love to hang out with you.
3:18
But I also need to make sure my kids are fed.
3:21
I can't just hop on a plane.
3:23
The single girl life when you're single and you don't have kids,
3:27
and all your friends are not single, and they're got obligations that
3:35
you don't have.
3:38
Though it has dawned on me like, well, gee, in a few
3:42
years, some of these friends, their kids will be no longer requiring
3:47
their attention.
3:48
Well, then they'll be at this stage when they're like, yay, we
3:52
want to go out and party.
3:53
And where will I be?
3:54
Like, what stage will I be in at that point?
3:57
So lo and behold, I'm just in a really nice space.
4:04
And it feels really good.
4:07
And yes, part of it is the physical space.
4:09
Part of it is the mental space.
4:11
It feels really good.
4:13
And I want to bring my friends and family to that same
4:17
space, not just the physical space of the mental space of just
4:20
feeling really good and content.
4:23
And when I think about my friends and family and who I
4:26
could reach out to and whether or not they would be content,
4:32
I find myself going, oh, man, that person, they've got so much
4:37
going on.
4:39
It wouldn't make them happy to be here.
4:40
They'd just be stressed out.
4:42
Or that person, they have certain preferences that might just make them
4:48
feel uncomfortable being here.
4:51
And so then I start getting frustrated that I can't just simply
4:55
extend an invitation and let people simply respond.
5:02
On one hand, you don't want to live your life trying to
5:06
control the outcome, right?
5:09
I mean, I'm telling you, I'm saying this as if, you know,
5:13
I'm Little Miss Bossy Pants.
5:14
But I think this is something that those of us who have
5:18
explored the self-help space kind of understand is that, you know,
5:22
if you want to have that party, don't spend all your time
5:26
worrying about which friends will say yes, which friends will say no,
5:29
who you should invite, who's gonna get along.
5:31
Just have the freaking party, invite whoever you want, and then let
5:34
them figure it out.
5:36
You don't have to make it a perfect experience for everyone.
5:40
And so, lo and behold, as I'm on this walk, I find
5:46
myself going, yes, I do want to share it with others.
5:51
And who can I share it with?
5:54
Well, right now, I'm sharing it with the YouTubes, but I don't
5:58
have a microphone on me.
6:00
I don't have a tripod on me.
6:03
Am I going to be doing anybody a disservice by sharing this
6:08
video?
6:09
Well, hopefully not.
6:10
The idea is, hey, it's something that I want to share, not
6:16
because it's all about me, but because it inspired me to say
6:21
something.
6:22
Something that I think might be helpful to others, just this little
6:25
reminder.
6:27
And so, I decided, even though there's gonna be some birds chirping
6:33
and gulls gulling and boats and barks and shaky camera, I'm gonna
6:40
share this video.
6:44
I could have just simply kept the phone in the old bag.
6:49
And some of you watching right now are probably like, yeah, you
6:51
should have kept the phone in the old bag, because I don't
6:52
know what you're saying or listening right now.
6:55
You might be like, oh, the audio quality is not the best.
6:58
Shame on you, Ray.
6:59
You're hurting my ears.
7:01
But hopefully, it's not too horrible on your ears, because like I
7:09
said, I could have just said, oh, I can't make this perfect
7:12
right now.
7:13
So all or nothing, right?
7:15
Can't make it perfect.
7:16
Can't give it my all.
7:17
It's going to be nothing.
7:18
But there are times in life where the all or nothing mentality
7:23
does us a disservice.
7:26
So let's talk about that a little bit more.
7:29
I'm going to start walking, because these doggies are like, can we
7:33
can we walk?
7:34
So let's do it.
7:35
Okay.
7:39
I often find myself a bit frustrated when I hear someone expressing
7:46
a problem, or why they can't do something, or something they're involved
7:55
in, but it's not going right.
7:58
I don't know, they're expressing a problem.
8:01
And a lot of the times, not all the times, a lot
8:04
of times, what I'm hearing is, yes, that is deeply frustrating for
8:09
you.
8:12
But it might not have to be that way.
8:15
Now, I'm not talking about being overly optimistic, Pollyanna.
8:20
Well, nothing bothers me.
8:22
I'm always happy.
8:23
Like, no, that's not gonna do anything.
8:25
You have the right to feel how you feel.
8:28
But a lot of times, we create rules for ourselves that are
8:36
pretty all or nothing.
8:38
In the sense that, hey, if I can't have this, this exact
8:43
way, if I can't have this outcome, then it's nothing.
8:47
Then I don't want anything to do with it, then it's going
8:49
to be a problem for me, then it's going to be frustrating.
8:52
And I really like to live in a space of there are
8:57
always options.
9:02
I mean, if you really think about it, pretty much everything in
9:05
life, there's an option.
9:06
It may not be an option that you want.
9:10
It may be a very unappealing option, but there is an option.
9:14
So, one of the dogs I'm with right now, he's got arthritis.
9:18
And I said, we're only going to do a short walk because
9:20
I don't want for him to be uncomfortable.
9:25
But then I reminded myself, there's two dogs here.
9:30
And the other dog is actually really happy walking and really excited
9:34
and started running.
9:35
And I found myself going, this dog might not get to have
9:38
as long walks anymore because their sibling, their partner in crime, is
9:45
not as healthy.
9:49
Now, I could have completely just turned back like that was my
9:51
original plan.
9:53
But instead, I said, you know what?
9:54
This dog's not that big.
9:56
I can carry this 10 pound, 15 pound, 20 pound, I don't
10:00
know how big this dog is.
10:01
I can carry the dog down the main part of the slope.
10:06
And then they can both go explore an area that I know
10:09
they both love.
10:11
I would have a good time, not stressing the arthritis, letting both
10:15
dogs experience the great outdoors.
10:20
And that's what we did.
10:21
And right now they're just sniffing around.
10:23
Having a blast.
10:25
And we're feeling pretty good, pretty fine.
10:30
So you might be saying, well, Ray, I don't want to be
10:33
carrying no dogs.
10:34
What you talking about?
10:36
No, I didn't say you had to carry dogs.
10:37
I said I carried a dog.
10:39
Okay.
10:41
So this dog wants to go into the water.
10:44
And knowing that there are options, I could have said, no, don't
10:48
get in the water.
10:49
Because then when I pick you up, you're gonna be getting them
10:51
dirty little paws all over me.
10:56
But I could also not let him get completely in the water.
11:02
So then that way my shirt doesn't get soaked.
11:05
See, little compromise, some options, some options.
11:10
I was listening to a podcast interview.
11:15
I think it was a New York Times interview, in which the
11:17
host was asking a doctor who specializes in conflict
11:27
and how to have good fights and use conflict resolution.
11:37
And I found it interesting, because I feel like in my life,
11:43
I am surrounded by people who just cannot handle having fights.
11:50
And I don't feel I'm alone.
11:52
I feel a lot of my friends avoid arguments of being uncomfortable,
11:58
avoid having fights.
11:59
When I was finishing up my bachelor's degree, I found myself in
12:07
an academic situation where basically this
12:15
woman, okay, she was racist, y'all.
12:21
I'm just gonna say she was racist.
12:23
She did not like me.
12:26
And, you know, I say she didn't like me because of race,
12:30
but maybe she just didn't like me for something else.
12:33
I don't know.
12:33
But all the same, maybe she was threatened by my intelligence.
12:37
Um, she, okay, I'm gonna put a pause, just I'm gonna come
12:43
right back to that.
12:43
So part of the reason I say she was racist is because
12:45
she held a job that put her in a position where she
12:52
had to oversee a group of people, majority people of color.
13:00
And she felt that they weren't the most thrilled with her being
13:08
a white woman, telling them how to do Black dance and about
13:16
Black culture.
13:17
And to be fair, if I was in that cast, I wouldn't
13:20
be too thrilled either.
13:22
But I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna say any more on that.
13:26
Because this is not about her.
13:30
And I'm only speaking about an encounter with a person at a
13:34
specific time in my life.
13:35
So with that being said, I had posed a question to my
13:43
classmates.
13:44
And I got a message back from this woman.
13:47
The question I posed was to all of my classmates via email,
13:51
because my academic experience with college previously had been, hey, put an
13:58
interesting question out there, let's have a debate.
14:01
And when you have a debate, you can learn something new about
14:05
what other people think.
14:08
And maybe, maybe you're changed, your mind will be changed.
14:12
Maybe there's nothing to change anyone's mind, but just to expand knowledge.
14:17
And I that's the one thing I really loved about college was
14:20
this space where you could speak and not be told, well, you
14:27
can't talk about that.
14:29
And grow up so much of growing up.
14:32
You know, there's things that you weren't supposed to talk about.
14:37
This is not a reflection on my family.
14:38
I think it's just a reflection on society in general.
14:42
So lo and behold, I was really excited to have an opportunity
14:46
to reenter this in my return to academia.
14:51
And this woman was like, no, how dare you.
14:56
We have some of us have families.
15:00
And if you ever contact us again, I'm going to report you
15:04
to the board.
15:06
And you're horrible.
15:07
And it was just crazy.
15:08
It was straight up crazy.
15:10
And I'm just like, what on earth is happening?
15:13
And so I, I was, I was deeply hurt by that.
15:18
And what I found more painful was that the administrator, like the
15:26
department head and the teacher for that course, not only did it
15:32
take them a while to respond, um, but they did not come
15:40
to my defense or say, I think there might be a misunderstanding
15:45
or anything like that.
15:48
They just said, um, I don't remember what they said, but I
15:56
remember being deeply hurt by that because I did nothing wrong.
16:02
And their, oh, their, yeah, their basic statement was, oh, we should
16:08
have been more involved.
16:12
Um, so that it hadn't got to this.
16:15
And I'm just like, well, what are you talking about?
16:16
I understand.
16:16
I just asked a question because I wanted to have a conversation
16:20
and I think something just got misunderstood or miscommunicated.
16:24
I don't know, but that was it.
16:29
So all or nothing.
16:32
Um, that's just an example of someone who, because
16:42
things weren't the way they thought they should be.
16:46
It was nothing.
16:48
This is not that person's idea of what academia should look like.
16:55
So do not talk to me.
16:58
Let's shut it down.
16:59
All or nothing.
17:02
Um, and college, one of the things that I think is good
17:06
about college is that it can teach you when done right, when
17:10
done right, it can teach you a lot about how to have
17:14
conversations with people from different backgrounds, different life
17:18
experiences.
17:20
For me, that is really what college is about.
17:22
It's not about sororities and fraternities and parties or being on a
17:27
big campus or proving you're smarter than the other person.
17:30
Um, I remember going to some different book lectures with my former
17:39
spouse and he would make a point to try to come up
17:43
with a question to like challenge the lecture.
17:49
And finally, one day I was like, why are you, why are
17:55
you doing that?
17:57
I mean, are you genuinely interested in their work or not?
17:59
Because I don't feel like these questions are really inviting them to
18:03
talk more about their work or, um, earnestly looking for
18:15
them to consider a different side of whatever the thing that was
18:22
being discussed.
18:23
And then my, my former partner looked at me and said, Oh
18:27
no, when I went to school, you were supposed to ask questions
18:35
that weren't really questions.
18:36
It was just a statement to make yourself look smarter than the
18:41
other person.
18:42
I was like, Oh, okay.
18:45
And I'm thinking that's crazy because this is not school.
18:50
And why are you here?
18:53
Because you sound like you just hate this person who's given this
18:56
lecture.
18:57
And this is not the only time this has happened.
18:59
It's happened multiple times.
19:00
So lo and behold, um, I found that rather interesting.
19:06
Now, to be fair, um, there is something to be said for
19:14
making a statement that encourages someone else to think about something.
19:23
There's also something to be said for time and place.
19:25
There's time and place for everything.
19:27
I mentioned on the show before, I've known people who, like kids
19:32
not good at the sport or dance or instrument.
19:38
So no, they don't play anymore.
19:40
They don't do it anymore.
19:43
Uh, and it's one thing if the kid is like, this isn't
19:46
fun, I don't want to do this anymore.
19:49
I'm horrible.
19:50
But it's another thing when a parent decides, Oh, they're just not
19:54
good at it.
19:55
Or they're not responding in the way that I expect them to
19:58
respond.
19:58
So we're not going to engage.
20:00
We're not going to do that.
20:02
And unfortunately, I feel like it really crushes a lot of potential.
20:11
Um, think of it this way.
20:13
If your child was learning to walk, and they did not walk
20:21
to you right away, they just could be like, well, my child's
20:26
no longer be allowed to walk.
20:28
They failed at reaching me.
20:31
So they suck at it.
20:32
Moving on.
20:33
Next.
20:35
That would be really, really poor parenting.
20:39
Like Child Protective Services should be called on you.
20:43
Because as we know, I say we but I think it's kind
20:49
of universal knowledge, despite which culture you come from, despite where you
20:54
live in the world.
20:56
Children learn to walk by pulling themselves up, stumbling, falling, repeating,
21:03
continuing to try.
21:06
It's not all or nothing.
21:10
And so trying to pay those bills, trying to get your business
21:17
to make more money, trying to get that raise at your company
21:23
doesn't have to be all or nothing.
21:27
It doesn't have to be Oh, they did not give me the
21:30
raise or my boss sucks.
21:34
So it's nothing.
21:36
I'm out of here.
21:37
I'm gonna look for a new job.
21:39
Or I'm just gonna come to work every day and say I
21:40
hate my job.
21:43
Have you looked at transferring to a different department?
21:46
Have you looked at whether or not there are others who are
21:51
also having problems with their supervisor?
21:53
Have you tried talking to that supervisor?
21:55
And seeing if there's some misunderstandings and common ground?
21:59
Have you tried simply reframing things and asking, Okay, is there a
22:06
different way I can look at how the supervisor has responded to
22:08
me?
22:09
Have you tried reaching out to HR?
22:12
Are there offenses that are worth reporting?
22:19
Have you tried?
22:23
You know, when it comes to paying those bills?
22:29
Have you looked at was there something else that you could cut
22:32
out right now?
22:34
Maybe you for a $15 for
22:44
Amazon Prime and $20 for Netflix, that's $35 that could go towards
22:49
one of those bills.
22:51
And maybe instead of getting the fancy coffee, maybe you get the
22:55
crappy coffee.
22:56
Or maybe you just make your coffee at home.
22:59
And maybe that means that there's an extra $10 that can go
23:02
towards bills.
23:03
So now we've got $45.
23:06
And is there a way you can take public transportation or walk
23:12
instead of an Uber or instead of driving your car?
23:17
Did we maybe save another $5?
23:19
So now you suddenly you have $50 that can go towards those
23:23
bills.
23:25
And if you were someone who's buying coffee every day, and I
23:28
know, like one of my favorite financial talking heads out there says
23:36
that how, you know, not buying lattes is not going to make
23:40
you rich.
23:42
And yes or no, right?
23:45
Because I used to work in offices where people would buy the
23:50
morning coffee and then do the afternoon coffee.
23:53
And sometimes it was three coffees a day, and sometimes only two.
23:58
Sometimes coffee and donut and then there was lunch.
24:01
And if you are someone who's in a place like New York
24:04
City, you know that adds up.
24:06
That's already in if you think about tips to so what $10
24:11
$15 on coffee and snacks, and then lunch easily 20 bucks, that's
24:17
$35.
24:18
And if you're doing it five days a week, but now I
24:21
understand nowadays not a lot of people go into the office every
24:24
day.
24:24
So let's just say that it's only two days a week 70
24:30
bucks, right?
24:31
And then you've got four weeks.
24:34
Okay, so what we're looking at 280 plus the other 50 that
24:39
we had before, we've got over $300 that can go towards those
24:43
bills.
24:44
And so now that's $300.
24:48
That's a good chunk of money that can really be paid towards
24:53
something that you had previously put into the category of all or
24:58
nothing.
24:59
I can't pay it all.
25:00
So I'm just not going to pay or I'm not going to
25:02
deal with it right now.
25:03
I'm not going to open that envelope.
25:05
But even paying that little $300 eventually, that bills going to go
25:10
away if you're not continuing to, you know, run up that card
25:13
or that count.
25:14
And then once it's gone, isn't that a beautiful feeling?
25:18
Well, let's bring the stress about it.
25:21
And now you can take that $300 and go back to your
25:24
Amazon, your Netflix, you know, your coffees, your overpriced lunch, whatever.
25:33
Point being, there's a lot of different ways in our lives where
25:39
we apply this kind of go hard or go home, all or
25:44
nothing mentality.
25:46
And we are only doing ourselves a disservice.
25:50
And even with non financial things, right?
25:53
That person didn't respond to my text message.
25:58
I texted them yesterday.
26:01
They haven't responded.
26:03
Or that person didn't call me that.
26:09
I told that person that they could use this.
26:16
They didn't.
26:17
I don't know.
26:18
Right.
26:18
And so a lot of the stress that we find ourselves burdened
26:26
with, stop it, doggy.
26:28
Stop it.
26:29
There's a doggy doing something supposed to stop doing.
26:33
My partner, I tell them all the time I need to do
26:35
this.
26:36
They don't do that.
26:37
Okay.
26:38
Is it how it's affecting you other than the stress that I
26:41
see right now in your face?
26:42
How it's affecting you?
26:44
Should it affect you?
26:45
Do you want to affect you?
26:47
Does it make you feel more valued to have something to complain
26:52
about?
26:53
Does it make you feel closer to your partner to be able
26:57
to focus on whatever it is you feel that they're doing wrong?
27:01
Or does it make you feel more distant from your partner?
27:05
Does it make you feel more stressed or less satisfied with your
27:09
life?
27:12
It's crazy some of the things that we get a kick out
27:15
of as humans.
27:20
I've met people who obsess over how much they clean their...
27:30
Whatever.
27:31
Right.
27:33
I want to be careful of what I'm about to say here
27:36
because I don't want for certain people to be like, well, you
27:40
were talking about me.
27:42
It's like, actually, I wasn't.
27:43
So I'm going to change that statement.
27:46
And say, I'm going to give a concrete example.
27:48
There was a house that I was looking at and it was
27:51
mentioned that the home is vacuumed daily.
27:57
And I told them, I will not be vacuuming your house daily.
28:01
I will make sure that it is clean.
28:04
But there's just one of me.
28:07
There's two of y'all.
28:09
I will not be vacuuming daily.
28:11
I know how much dirt I kind of create on my own.
28:15
And there was no reason for me to vacuum daily.
28:17
So if that's okay with you, then I think we got a
28:21
deal.
28:22
And then we're like, yeah, that's fine.
28:23
Okay.
28:24
So for them, vacuuming daily was an absolute must.
28:32
And I needed to find out, is this an all or nothing
28:38
for you?
28:39
Because I'm not going to vacuum your house daily.
28:42
Why would I do that?
28:43
There's no need.
28:45
Is there something crazy about your house where it's accumulating so much
28:47
dust and dirt just from existing that it requires this much attention?
28:53
And for them, even though in their regular lives, it is an
28:57
all or nothing, knowing that someone else is going to be coming
29:00
into their space, they decided that compromise could be had.
29:05
That it wasn't going to prevent them from wanting to work with
29:08
me.
29:08
And that's a beautiful thing, right?
29:11
I didn't have to say, yes, I'm going to vacuum daily.
29:15
I was really worried that I was going to have to say
29:17
yes to that.
29:18
And I was like, no, I can't, I can't.
29:19
I'm at a point in my house sitting life where I'm like,
29:21
no, I just won't do it.
29:23
And I was really grateful that they were able to accept that
29:29
they, whether or not I could have said I was going to
29:34
vacuum daily and just not have done it.
29:35
But I was really grateful I was able to be honest and
29:39
we can accept this level of compromise.
29:43
And so I leave you with that, my friends, I want to
29:46
get these doggies out of the beautiful sun.
29:48
There's a beautiful view for you.
29:51
And beautiful doggies are digging, digging.
29:54
I don't know what they're digging for, but we're going to, we're
29:56
going to keep our walk going here.