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Transcript

" I Just Wish I Could Put The Toothpaste Back In The Tube" · Regretful Parents

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to our Regretful Parents series. I'm Erica, and
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: I am here today with a very special guest. I
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: am here with Bailey Swilley. Bailey is a New York-based
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: comedian and writer, and she's also a child-free baddie. So
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: thank you so much, Bailey, for joining us.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: Thanks so much for having me. Great to see you.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: For listeners of the show... This is like the 20th
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: time that we've tried to record this intro. Look at us, though.
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: Consummate pros.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Pretending like it's the first time. Bailey, tell me, have
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: you always known that you didn't want kids, or is
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: it something that you came with time to deciding?
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: I have always known that I don't want to have kids, like,
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: since I was, like, Four or five.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, wow.
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: And I always was told I would change my mind.
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: And then it just never happened. And there's part of
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: me that wishes I would have changed my mind, but
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: I just never did.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Wait, what do you mean by that? Expand.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: Sometimes I think, like, I can understand the beauty and
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: joy of parenthood. And so sometimes I wish that I
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: wanted that for myself, but I just.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: So, like, in an effort to, like, fit into society, maybe?
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Probably.
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: But, you know, if it is as great as everyone
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: keeps telling me, then, like, maybe there's part of me
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: that's like, okay, well, I'd love to try that, but, like,
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: for a day. Yeah.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: To see if you guys are telling the truth. Yeah,
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: like a visit to Disneyland. Exactly.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I think.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: I like kids, and I.
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: Do keep hearing a lot of people say, you know, oh,
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: when you have kids, like, you re-experience your childhood all
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: over again. But when I see parents with their kids,
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: I'm not getting that vibe.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: That's what's happening.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: You don't feel like they're experiencing being like three again
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: and like the joy of that?
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: I think they're experiencing so much more stress and.
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: Stress and anger and unhappiness than when they were three.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Oh my God, I love that. And you also... I believe,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: correct me if I'm wrong, is it a one-woman show?
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's a one-woman show called A Baby for Me. No,
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: thank you. Please.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: Which is about people having these conversations with me. Basically,
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: as soon as I got married, everybody in my life
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: was like, okay, so when.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: Are you having a baby?
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  Speaker 3: Okay. And I was always like, well, I told you
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: since I was five, I'm not having one. So just
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: because I'm married doesn't mean I'm going to change my
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: mind now, you know? But like, that's sort of when
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: I learned that people really do think that that's the
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: reason why you get married. Like, especially as like a straight,
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: like in straight couples, you know, it's like very like, oh, okay, well,
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: you're obviously just getting married to have children.
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  Speaker 1: Because what else would there be?
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: Right. Like that's totally the vibe. That's the vibe I'm
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: getting from everyone. So yeah, the show is about, you know,
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: those conversations I've had with different family members and different
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: friends who have kind of like pressured me. And that
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: kind of pushed me towards this like rabbit hole of like,
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: you know, what's wrong with me? And, you know, maybe
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: I should have kids. And then I did have like
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: a really unusual gynecological incident that kind of pointed me
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: in the right direction. So that's the show in a nutshell.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: Oh, interesting.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Okay. I'm assuming you don't want to spoil what the
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: gynecological incident was?
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: I'll say that, you know, the poster has an IUD
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: on it and it has to do with an IUD.
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  Speaker 2: Okay. Interesting.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: Okay. Yes. Lots of things can happen with your IUD.
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: People should know, especially the copper.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Okay, well, if you want to know what can happen
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: with a copper IUD, make sure you head to her show.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Tell folks where they can see it, and we'll also
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: put the link in the show notes.
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so I'm doing the show this fall in New York, L.A.,
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: and Chicago. New York, I'm doing it September 18th and
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: 19th at Soho Playhouse. And then October 18th at the
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: Lyric Hyperion. And then November 21st at the Den Theater
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: in Chicago. So it's going to be a cute little
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: fall tour.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: The Hyperion is great. That's going to be so fun.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: I'm so excited. Yay.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: Okay. Well, let's get into this Regretful Parents post. This
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: is a post from the Regretful Parents subreddit. How familiar
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: are you with the Regretful Parents sub, Bailey?
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  Speaker 2: I'm pretty familiar. I also... Watch a few TikToks that
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: read them as well.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, cool. So you're embedded in the community. Great. Okay,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: so this one, let me give a little disclaimer. This is,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I would say, a decent post standalone. For me, where
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: things really get juicy is in the comments. So OP
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: gets a little bit impassioned in the comments. So just...
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Hold on for that.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: Okay. Wait, sorry. What's OP?
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Original poster. Good question.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: Oh, okay.
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: Sorry.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess I'm not that. I'm like, not that
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: in keyed into Reddit.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Thank you for helping me touch grass. I truly hate Reddit.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: And this show has opened me up to the world
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: of Reddit more than I could have ever dreamt. And
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: here we are.
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  Speaker 3: All right.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: So the subject line of this post is, it's not
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: the kids I regret, it's what it turned my wife into.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Any initial thoughts on this?
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  Speaker 3: I mean, first off, I'm just sort of like, you know,
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  Speaker 3: where are they in their child, you know, journey? You know,
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: are they 20 years in? Are they a few months in,
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: a few days? And I'm initially already on his wife's side.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: Perfect. It took one sentence. Okay. He starts the post
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: out by saying, sometimes she's familiar, but usually not. Her
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: desire for selfish personal pursuits is gone, which I personally
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: find fascinating because that is generally not what we hear
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: from men who are on this sub, that they're upset
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: that their wife's selfish personal pursuits are gone. But he
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: continues on to say... when it is there, it's usually
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: just a talking point. She's getting back in shape at
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: eight months postpartum, but I can't help but wonder why
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: her passion for us has fallen off the planet. Any thoughts, Bailey,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: on why her passion for them might have fallen.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: Off the planet?
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because her body is recovering from pushing a baby
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  Speaker 3: out of it.
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  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
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  Speaker 3: It's just like, When you hear about what happens after
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: somebody gives birth, like, you're like, how do you ever
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: have sex again?
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Like, I just, like, the pain. And, you know, it
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: takes at least, what, eight weeks, right? Does it take
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: like eight weeks?
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: I think it's like eight weeks, yeah.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And also, like, even if her body is recovered
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: and she is feeling ready for sex, like, she also
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: is probably breastfeeding. Like, she's probably meeting the demands of
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: her baby.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: She's, yeah, up in the middle of the night. And look,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: you said it perfectly at the top. If your body
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: can barely handle a copper IUD, what's it going to
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: do when there's a baby? Exactly.
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  Speaker 2: Exactly.
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  Speaker 1: He says, can't get it back no matter what I push,
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  Speaker 1: which we all know pushing women is really the answer.
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  Speaker 1: We can't get it back no matter what I push,
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  Speaker 1: suggest or encourage. In her world, in her world, baby
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  Speaker 1: comes first. No exceptions. Even when it's just us, her
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  Speaker 1: brain has turned off what used to be there between us.
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  Speaker 1: Occasionally it returns, but it is brief and fleeting. I
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  Speaker 1: always prioritize the relationship with a spouse above all else,
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  Speaker 1: and I thought I had chosen someone who felt the same.
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  Speaker 1: But the last year has really awakened me to how
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: different she has become and has made me take off
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  Speaker 1: the rose-colored glasses and realize the other flaws that I
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: could look over. This post just... First of all, your
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: face looks so confused by this man. What are you feeling?
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  Speaker 2: Well, first, I think.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not sure if you watch The Valley, but it
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  Speaker 3: sounds like Luke from The Valley has written this.
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  Speaker 2: This is like.
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  Speaker 3: Mirroring a storyline that's currently on the Bravo show, The Valley,
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  Speaker 3: between Kristen and her fiance, Luke. And this sounds exactly
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  Speaker 3: like Luke, who's always complaining that Kristen is too consumed
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  Speaker 3: with the baby and not paying enough attention to him.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm just like, oh my God, this might be Luke.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. What if it is?
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  Speaker 2: I wouldn't be surprised.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Is the Kristen in the show, is this the Valley,
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  Speaker 1: like the updated version from?
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: This is Green Dress.
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  Speaker 3: Okay.
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  Speaker 1: Kristen Doughty. Yeah.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: Kristen Doughty.
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  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Here we go. Wow. I have not watched, but I
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: can imagine. But, you know, I'm curious for you because
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: you mentioned that you're married. When you and your husband
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: started dating, we're thinking about getting married. Like, how did
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: you approach the conversation about kids or not kids?
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  Speaker 3: We, you know, I had brought it up a few
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: times that this was complicated. probably the direction I was
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: leaning because I've just... And I even told him, like,
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  Speaker 3: I've been waiting for me to change my mind and
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: it's just not happening.
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  Speaker 2: And so I just... I don't know that I am
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: going to change my mind, you know?
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  Speaker 3: And he was very, like, open to that. And as
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  Speaker 3: time has gone on, I almost feel like he... I
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: almost feel like he wants them less than I do.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah. We hear that a lot.
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  Speaker 3: It was easy for us, but I recognize that it's
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: not easy for everybody. I think a lot of people
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: grow up with this expectation or this picture in their
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  Speaker 3: mind of what their adulthood looks like. And I just
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: got really lucky that for us, it seems like we're
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: on the same page with that.
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  Speaker 1: I love that. It is always fascinating to me because
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: I feel like there's definitely an upward trend for men
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: seemingly wanting kids more than women, which is really funny.
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  Speaker 1: And you know, when you hear stories like this, where
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  Speaker 1: like a man is so taken aback that his wife
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  Speaker 1: no longer puts him first against seemingly an eight-month-old baby,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: who can't even lift his own head up. Like, what
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: did you expect? Like, what was the expectation? And it says,
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: you know, you always prioritize the relationship with your spouse
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: above all else. And you thought that she had felt
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: the same. But like, where were these conversations?
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe they didn't talk about it. I also just
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  Speaker 3: think it's like, it's just one of those things that
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: you don't know what it's going to be like until
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: you are in it. You know, like, I think that
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: I have an idea of what parenthood looks like, but
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: I really don't because I'm not living in it.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but your idea of it is seemingly like, if anything,
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: I think your perception would be that it's just a
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: little worse, right? Like, it's not like you would get
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: to that point and be like, I am completely shocked
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: at what this experience has been.
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: Oh, no.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: I think in my mind it might be even worse
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: than how it actually is to your point. Yeah. For me,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: it's like it's all downhill.
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  Speaker 3: But, you know, I know that there is a lot
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: of joy in everything that, you know, they say. But
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: I think for this guy, like, he just wasn't.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: Did he mention, like, is this their first baby?
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: It seems like it's their first baby, yeah.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: Okay. So he just really did not know what was coming.
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: No.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: I should also, now it's just in my brain that
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: this maybe is Luke from the Valley. His handle is
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: coffee in my Camino for reference. Does Luke have a
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Camino by chance?
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: Hmm, I don't know what car he drives, but he is.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: A tell for Luke would be he really hates living
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: in Los Angeles and wants to move back to Colorado.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, interesting. So if it was like fishing in Colorado,
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, that's Luke. There we go.
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  Speaker 3: But he could be using it, you know, he could
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: be trying to trick us.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Yes, right. All right. So Not Luke writes... Anyway, just
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  Speaker 1: wish I could put the toothpaste back in the tube.
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  Speaker 3: The toothpaste meaning the baby?
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  Speaker 1: I mean, actually, yes. At first I was like, what's
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: that reaction? But no, you're right. Put the baby back
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: in that tube. He says, just so I could have
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: my wife back. Instead, I think in another couple years,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: I will have given up on my wife as she's
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: just not someone I share hardly anything in common with anymore,
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: and our personalities just don't align. I'll have my son,
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: who I care about very much, but that would never
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: replace the loss of the relationship with my wife. Really
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: hope it gets better soon.
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: Okay, so that's the first time he even mentions the
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: sun and that he really cares about him. But just
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: two seconds before that, he was calling him toothpaste that
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: he wants to put back in the tube.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Wish I could put that jizz back in the condom.
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Like, you're the holder of the tube, man. I know.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: This reminds me of people who, like, and I hear
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: about this a lot, like, on TikTok, about men who, like,
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: want to be dads. But they, like, want to have
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: been a dad. Like, they want to be, oh, I'm
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: a dad. But they don't really want to do the
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: things that come with being a dad, if that makes sense.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: The identity without the responsibilities, yes.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: Isn't it so fun? Okay, let's get into the comments
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: because this is, in my opinion, where things start to
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: really wind up. Okay. So the first comment that I
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: saw where he really started getting involved was one person said,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: I want you to read this again and ask yourself,
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: are you being a supportive partner to your wife? Which,
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: great question. We have heard a lot about what's going
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: on with the wife and very little about what their
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: actual home dynamic is like. So I love that somebody
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: asked that. Original poster, O.P., responded and said, yeah, question mark.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: I'm paying most of our bills right now, even though
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: she works, even though she works. I told her the
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: money she makes is hers. I told her she is
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: free to stop working or not stop working, whichever she
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: would prefer. She does Pilates several times a week, and
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I take the boy without question. What a saint. She
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: goes to work out several times a week, and he
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: takes his own son, no question. Give this man an award. Right.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: It's like these guys who are like, I'm babysitting.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: It's like, you're not babysitting, you're parenting.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: That's your fucking child. Yeah. I do think that maybe
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: some men genuinely like going to the gym, and they
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: see that as like their thing. fun time. But a
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: woman going to Pilates is like a chore. It's not
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: something that she's doing just for funsies. You know, even
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: the most Pilates girl, she is doing that for her
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: health and not because this is her like me time.
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean, especially if she's going to like Solidcore
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: or SLT. That sucks.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: It's not fun.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: Yes. I want to see him go to Pilates.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: He hasn't been to Solidcore. That's why he thinks he's
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: giving her a break.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Have you seen those TikToks of women taking their husbands
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: to Pilates? Yeah, it's hard. I love being on the
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: side of TikTok of like firefighters trying Pilates, like anybody,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: any man who wants to try it. I live for that.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: So the saint lets his wife go to Pilates several
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: times a week. He says, I just come home after work.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: I've gone out on my own five times since he
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: was born, where she goes out one to two times
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: a week for her personal pursuits.
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: Wait, I'm really confused now because the first sentence of
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: this was like, she has no interest in like any
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: selfish needs or something.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: Personal pursuits, yeah.
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And now he's saying, so now all I'm thinking
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: is that what he means is she has no interest
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: in my dick.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: It do be feeling that way. He says, I only
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: get three weeks PTO, which... Three weeks is kind of
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: a lot for a normal job, I feel like. Not
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: saying it's right. Just saying that's the way it is.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: We need more. We need more.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I only get three weeks PTO. Meanwhile, she's off for
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: the summer. She got eight weeks paid maternity leave, and
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: I got two days. That luxurious eight weeks of paid
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: maternity leave.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: No, no, no.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: He doesn't know how to help himself. He says, so
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: obviously when she chooses to be home and not pay
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: for child care with her money, I cannot help further.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: What does that mean?
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: Just going to let you process for a second. When
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: she chooses to be home and not pay for child
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: care with her money. But when I'm home, I cook,
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I clean, I take him wherever she needs. I give
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: him some of the baths, feed him, change him. I
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: let her decide what we do with our weekends. If
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: she plans something for herself, it takes priority over anything
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: I had planned or will plan, even if I planned
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: for me first. I've given up on what I wanted
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: for myself because she barely supports me and doesn't show
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: any real interest in me beyond what you would expect
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: out of roommates. I'd been with her for 10 years,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: so it's a profound change. There's still another paragraph to
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: this response that has 14 downvotes. Any thoughts before I continue?
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: I mean, it just sounds like he is not thinking
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: about things in terms of, like, a family unit like
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: I feel like he's thinking of things as like her
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: time and her needs and wants and my time and
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: my needs and wants I'm like but I am really
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: curious though about like what his ideal weekend is with
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: like an eight week old baby.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: You know yes 100% it feels to your point it
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: feels very transactional like she does this and then I
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: don't get anything in return I also just think it's
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: funny that it's like, da-da-da-da-da. I let her decide what
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: we do with our weekends, which I understand why he
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: thinks this is maybe nice, but also if you've been
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: taking care of the majority of the childcare, having another
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: responsibility about the weekend is not, that's more mental labor.
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: He wants her to be his manager, which is just like,
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: really crazy right I.
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: Mean maybe she was like the cruise ship director for
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: these 10 years and he's like okay well you have
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: to keep you know planning my activities you know and
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: it does sound like that and I think there are
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: a lot of guys kind of like that like especially
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: I've been with somebody the other day and they were
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: like oh like my new my friend is like a
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: new divorcee and he seems to really be relying on
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: me a lot to, like, come up with, like, activities
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: and plans.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: And they were like, I think it's.
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: Because his wife used to plan all of his activities.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: I think that's spot on. And I do think that's
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: why men so frequently will rush to get remarried after
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: a divorce because they, like, they need a caretaker, you know? Like,
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: they need a little... A nanny.
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: Cruise ship director. Yeah.
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: I mean, and also, I just am curious of, like,
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: what he thinks the idea, like, not only is it
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: labor for her to plan their every move for the
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: weekend as he wants, but it's also, like, you have
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: a third person who has very particular and specialized needs
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: and can't, like, yeah.
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: Like, your baby isn't, like, going to go on a
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: bike ride anymore.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: So I think like I'm just sort of like, what
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: are the things he wants to do so badly and
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: like that she's not planning for him?
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I wish that he would have expressed that because
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: I think that that's a really insightful point. So here
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: we go. He says she used to be more depressed.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: And I think being a mom scratched an itch that
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: she didn't fully know she had. I have had many
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: times this past few months thought that if I didn't
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: come home one day, She'd only miss all the things
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: that seemed to be getting themselves done and barely realized
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: that I had disappeared. Like I said, I hope that
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: fades after the first year and somehow she comes back
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: to being how she was, but who knows.
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: This guy.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: A different person responded and said, she's a mother now.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: She will never and can't ever be the same person again.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: And he said, wow, that's a fairly doomy and gloomy
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: way of putting it. This man is delusional.
• 24:16
  Speaker 3: Oh, I'm like, now I'm like a little worried. I
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: know we're like dunking on this guy. I'm like a
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: little bit worried about it.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: What are you worried about?
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: I just am like, does he know what he signed
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: up for?
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: You know? I fear he does not. I fear he
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: does not.
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: I mean, also, like, we are in the Regrettable Terrence channel, so, like,
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: of course, but he's already kind of admitting regret, but
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: this is just, oh, it just bums me out when people.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: Don't know what they signed up for because this is
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: a lifetime thing, you know?
• 24:49
  Speaker 3: I know.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: That's the other thing that's, like, so funny to me is, like,
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: in that post, he says, you know, all these things about, like,
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: I give him some of the baths. I change him sometimes.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: I feed him. It really feels like he really needs
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: validation for that. Because if we heard a woman say that,
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: I give my baby some baths and I change him sometimes.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: People would be like, what's happening here? I'm just like,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: I really am curious about why you seem to feel
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: like you're a hero for doing the things that come
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: with this decision that you willfully made.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I wish his wife would find this and respond.
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: I know. I know.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: He does have another very long post where he responded
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: to somebody else. I haven't read all of it, but
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: let's go through some of it and see what we
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: can glean. He had said, how about when I'm at
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: work for 10 hours while she's home, I leave her
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: with just one small task, clean her nightstand, sort that
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: pile of clothes, etc. She doesn't do it. I let
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: it go. I bring it up a couple days later.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: Still doesn't get done. Eventually, I clean it myself. I
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: don't get a thanks, but I've already cleaned three full
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: rooms in a week with the time that I have
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: when I got home, which is less time than I
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: would like. Yet, by the end of the following week,
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: two of the three rooms are as messy as they
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: were when I cleaned them initially, and nothing else has
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: gotten done. Meanwhile, she will complain about the things I
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: haven't done. I haven't finished the bathroom project, haven't finished
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: the kitchen cabinet doors. I tell her I can't do
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: that and that I clean the house with the time
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: that I have. She says I told her I would
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: cook dinner every night, which I did say I would,
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: if she would handle the dishes during the day. which
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: she has done maybe three times in the past eight months.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: She says she can't do things while watching the baby,
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: but I watch him and can get things done while
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: she's out of the house. I know that in a
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: 10-hour span, there is time to clean a table at
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: least once a week anyway.
• 27:06
  Speaker 3: Oh. Oh, no.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: I know. I know. I mean, he goes on from there,
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: but just looking at it, I'm like, I don't think
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: we need to explore the rest of this cave.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: This is really bumming me out. I mean, I just think, like.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: I mean, there's a million reasons why she can't do
• 27:37
  Speaker 3: the chores he's given her, you know?
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: But it's like, just do.
• 27:41
  Speaker 3: Just fill in the gaps where you can. I think, like,
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: that's important in every marriage, like, whether you have kids
• 27:46
  Speaker 3: or not. Like, just helping each other out and, like,
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: I don't know, like, not giving each other to-do lists
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: and being, like, on top of each other.
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: Like, hello, I told you to do this.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: Right, totally. Also, like, the fact that his example was
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: to clean her nightstand. let her nightstand be whatever her
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: nightstand is exactly if my husband started giving me notes
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: on my nightstand please it's.
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: Probably covered in things she needs to like parent her
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: baby too like it's probably got like a breast pump
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: on it it's like why don't you go clean your
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: breast pump for her.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Totally also like just the sheer fact that he's like
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: you know like oh in 10 hours like what is
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: she doing she says she can't do things while she's
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: watching the baby like I would imagine that breastfeeding alone
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: is like a time-sucking and exhausting thing to do. And
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: I don't think that people talk about that enough, that
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: that must be terrible.
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: Yes. Like, not only is it time-consuming and messy, but
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: it's also painful. But I do believe it's like, it
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: burns a ton of calories. Like, I think it is
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: like something that like really puts your body through it.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: Every time you do it.
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Totally.
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: Well.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: What a joy this has been.
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: Oh, I really hope this guy gets the talking to
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: that he needs to get.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: Like, I really feel for her, too.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: If by some miracle he's watching this, what advice do
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: you have for him?
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: Oh, I would just say, you.
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: Know, if you really do love your son as much
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: as you are saying that you do, like, I think
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: you need to start thinking of your life in terms
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: of the three of you. and what is best for
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: your son and your wife and you as a whole unit.
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: And to quote Kristen Doty from The Valley, this is
• 29:51
  Speaker 3: just a season of life that will pass.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: Yes. Oh my gosh, Kristen, what a great quote. Embroider
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: that and put it over your door, sir.
• 30:03
  Speaker 3: She has imparted on Luke, she says, look, like this
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: baby is only going to be a baby for so long.
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: This is a temporary phase that we're all going through.
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: It's very hard, but this isn't like long-term what things
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: look like because we're not always going.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: To have a baby.
• 30:17
  Speaker 3: So yeah, my advice to him is to watch the season,
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: whatever season we're on, of The Valley.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, you seem to be a fan. Do you
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: recommend the show?
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: I love everything on Bravo.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: Favorite Real Housewives franchise?
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: I mean, Salt Lake City is elite.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: Okay. I also have not watched that. I've watched some
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: of the Real Housewives, but I have not watched Salt
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: Lake City.
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: It's really good stuff.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: Okay. I'll have to check that out.
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: Amazing.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: Well, thank you so much, Bailey, for being here with
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: us today, unpacking this Nightmare of a post. You have
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: been a real trooper. If people want to follow you,
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: where can they find you?
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you can find me on Instagram and TikTok at heybaylay.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: So that's H-E-Y-B-A-I-L-A-Y.
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: L-A-Y.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: Do you spell your name that way?
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: No, it was just defined with A.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: Naturally. Duh.
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: Duh.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: That's so good. Awesome. Well, thank you, everyone. Make sure
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: you like and subscribe. All the things. And until next time,
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: don't get pregnant.