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Why You're Not Failing at Parenting This Summer (Even If It Feels Like You Are) ⭐ · Work It Like A Mum

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I'm Elizabeth Willis, and I'm obsessed with helping as many women as possible achieve their boldest dreams after kids.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: And helping you to navigate this messy and magical season of life.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a working mom with over 17 years of Christian experience, and I'm the founder of the Investing in Women's Job Board and Communication.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: In this show, I'm honoured to be chatting with remarkable women, redefining our working world across all areas of business.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Delphair secrets on how they children.
• 0:40
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• 0:49
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• 0:50
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• 0:58
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• 1:05
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• 1:07
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• 1:16
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• 1:19
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• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now back to the show.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Work It Like a Mom podcast.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Today I am chatting with parental coach Julia Gally, and we are talking about something so timely because I know it is the beginning of the summer holidays for parents across the UK.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: I know if you're in Scotland, you're um a few weeks into it, but we are going to be talking today um with Julia all about how to survive, thrive, enjoy, um, juggle effectively the school holidays, which I know can be quite a stressful time for a lot of parents.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um Julia is here going to be giving us lots of tips about how we can make the most of this time and actually enjoy it as well without the guilt.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you so much for coming on.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a pleasure to be here.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm really excited to have you in that like I said, it's so timely because I know that we're all in the thick of it now.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um you know, but we're still early on for lots of parents that they can really implement some of these tips that you are going to be sharing with us today.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: So why do you think that school holidays feel so overwhelming for so many working parents?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, because they are.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just the logistics, it's the actual managing of time.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's theirs and yours.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's the mental load of preparing, planning, trying to have it all figured out before it started.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a lot of the time, it's the dread of summer in itself that is hard.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's the weeks that lead up to the actual school holiday that is harder because most parents are like, it's going to be so hard.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And even sometimes um it used to happen to me when my kids were um younger um at the school, um, in the school playground.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you know, what are you gonna do for summer?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, oh yeah, it's going to be stressful.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God, are you prepared?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And all of this, it's already playing up with my with our mind.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's basically, it's basically preparing us for a very hard time.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, when our brain is preparing up for a hard time, most of the time it's going to create a harder time than it needs.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So um it is also it's the lack of routine, right?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the lack of routine, it's actually like throwing everything up in the air because during the term, everyone knows what's happening, everyone knows what the role is.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it's very well organized and oil.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: In the summer, it goes all, you know, it goes, it all goes up in the air.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of the time, um, parents are more stressed about what they are expected, what the summer is expected to look like for the children, for themselves, for the family, rather than, you know, just as we were saying before, it's inevitable, it's happening.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: So we may as well just, you know, accept it as it is.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So they are overwhelming because they are overwhelming.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just accepted at first.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: I think yeah, well, I'm yeah, so we're recording this, aren't we?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Week one of my my children's school holidays were just right at the end of week one, and it's been okay, but it's funny, isn't it?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think I really like routine, and I don't know if other people are like that or not, but it does it's hard, I think, when you've not got a routine, but you're not away.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So you are basically you as a parent are in your normal day-to-day life working at home, uh managing the household and everything, and the kids don't have school, so it's unbalanced all of a sudden.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I I I was actually scrolling on LinkedIn this morning, and I was already seeing a lot of these posts, like what week one, and I already guilty, I feel guilty because of this, and it's not working.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And and and uh as I was saying before, a huge part of it is how we are telling the story to ourselves.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: So the worrying and also already the oh, I'm not doing enough, or oh, it's already not going well.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: One of the one of the fundamental um work that I normally do with clients is look at what you're telling yourself because your thoughts are shaping your reality, they're literally creating it.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So when it's like, oh okay, week one, done, oh my god, it was hard, your brain believes it.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying we need to be positive at all costs, I'm saying that we can choose our thoughts.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So depending on what reality we want to live, we can choose them.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, of course, it is tough because we are actually doing the work, uh, the planning, the parenting, and everything.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And and again, it's inevitable.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: But telling ourselves that it's hard, it's not gonna make it easier.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It is definitely gonna make it harder.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it's reframing the way that we are telling this to ourselves, it's going to help massively already.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's literally uh making sure that we are as grounded as we can, and also that we are giving ourselves a little break.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's not about being perfect, there is no such thing, even when mothers or or fathers are saying, Oh, I have it all planned, and you know, it's all perfectly laid out.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't work like that.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's impossible for it to be perfect.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot be perfect parents.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Also, no one needs a perfect parent.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be intentional, and intentional means choosing, choosing how I'm showing up, choosing what kind of parent I want to be, choosing what do I want to put my attention toward?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: That is fully within our control, and it's fully our responsibility, and we can definitely choose.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes not choosing is also choosing, but you know, that's the function.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: So, and do most people feel guilty, most parents feel guilty during the summer.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Do you find?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, absolutely.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone feels guilty all the time.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they feel guilty when they shout, guilty when they don't shout about something that they think should have been uh reprimanded, um, guilty for working when outside is sunny, or guilty for not working and letting the inbox um pile up.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt shows up everywhere if we let it.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I think there are two kinds of guilt.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: One guilt, which I find a little bit, which is useful, I think, it's the one when, for example, you shouted because your toddler was running toward the street, or you shouted because your teenager slammed the door after having an argument with their siblings.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: That is a useful guilt because it's basically pointing at the gap between the parent you want to be and your reactions.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Bearing in mind that being human, we are bound to react.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the work that I'm doing with my clients, for example, or the parents would find useful to do, is when you know what parent you want to be, it's easier to parent.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: And the guilt that shows up when you're doing something that doesn't align with the parent you're going to be, it's helpful because it kind of brings you back on track.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And most of the time, that kind of guilt when you shouted and you didn't want to, or you reacted in a way you didn't want, instead of thinking, oh, you know, I did that and I shouldn't have done it.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I always encourage parents to look at what you were protecting.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes if you're shouting at your toddler because not to go toward the street, you are protecting safety.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you're shouting at your teenagers because they were being rude, you were mainly protecting respect or how things work in your household.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that is much easier to fix than guilt.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's it's basically you were you were um uh safeguarding uh your value.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: It was just the delivery that wasn't great, and that's okay.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you can always apologize, that's all right.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh how you actually repair is is most of the time more important than how you react.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: So that kind of guilt of your instinctive reaction that can be easily fixed.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think there's this conf sorry I've interrupted you?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was just doing there's this conflict because people are not living their true values, then you know, I know that a lot of people, not everybody, but I know that potentially I've done some work thinking about what my values are at work, for example, and what kind of my strengths are, and then translating that into workplace.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: But I feel really guilty a lot of the time as a parent.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I wonder if it's because uh we've not done that work on the type of parent that, like you said, that we want to be, and then our actions are completely in always, not always, but sometimes in that conflict, and they're just rubbing up against each other and actually maybe it's taking a step back and thinking, right, this this sits well better with my values as a parent.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: I've just had a breakthrough talking, Jose.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: You've you're spot on there, and that is exactly the work that I always do with my clients first before fixing the behavior, before finding the strategies, before fixing whatever you think is wrong with your child, it's looking inside.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the first type of work is always understanding your values.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I have a list of 30 values that I always share with parents, and I always ask them to pick their values.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And now, this is the interesting part.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the people, as you are saying, they have never stopped to look at what their values are.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and people have values because we, you know, we have been um taught values from our parents, from society, from our experience, from culture, a lot of people from religion.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: So people have values, but most of the time, these values are not ours, so they were inherited, yeah, and we are living through values that we don't necessarily love or really are not ours.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the people who stop, as you were saying, understanding what are really my values, some can be those that I have inherited, and they're perfectly fine with me.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Some of those I don't want, they're no longer serving me, so I'm taking my own.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Once I've got my values laid out, I normally ask them to pick five because more than that, it's hard to keep to have.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So once you've got like your five foundational values, it's so much easier to leave, not just parent.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because whenever something happens, you can uh check that against your value.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Is that aligning with my value?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, great, I'm doing it.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not not for me, and that translating it to parenting.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I normally ask parents, well, first we work on their personal values, so as a person, then on their parental values because they may match, but not necessarily, you know.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can have some values from my own and my life and my work and my friendships, and then the values that I want to have as a parent.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Once you've established your parental values, which then in my work always end up with a parental mission, um it's all of a sudden it's like clarity in front of you.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because at the end, yes, because at the end you're like, okay, fine.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, for example, my one of my parental values is um independence, okay.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I want my children to be independent and courageous.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: So these are the two things I want them to be independent and courageous.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: So when I was at the playground, most of the times I am not a very risk-taking person.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: So every time they were climbing up, I would be like, Oh my, be careful, sit there, come down.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I was projecting my own insecurity onto them and having my values clear, as in I want independence and courage, I had to stop myself because those actions were not aligning with my values.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: My actions were not gonna make them courageous, they were making them scared.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what I mean?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: So it really was helping me as well, kind of reigning in my own insecurities and not projecting them onto them.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And in terms of the guilt, again, once you've got your values figured out, again, the the reactions they can happen, and that's just human, and that's okay.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: But once you've got your values, you no longer have the guilt of I am a bad parent or I am not doing enough.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Those are that's guilt that goes into identity, and identity should never be questioned like that.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Behavior should, but not identity, and that kind of guilt that goes into identity, it's not easy to dismantle because it's so ingrained and goes so deep that you you can't have like one proof that says otherwise.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, what happens with that kind of guilt once you've got your values, you have to always pay attention to the actions that you do that look like your values, the actions that you do that actually says otherwise.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And and have and you have to go back to those proofs time and time again to convince yourself that you are a good parent.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: This moment is just messy, or this situation just went that way, you know.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: When we keep it at a level of behavior rather than identity, it's so much easier because you can change behavior, you can apologize when it's at the level of identity, it kind of eats you up from the inside and it makes everything else really hard.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do you work with clients then to that because you know you said there's 30 values?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: How would you then decide, like you know, work with someone to say what those top five are?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, normally it's it's uh it's a process, right?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: So in a session, the value session, which is very important, um, I would ask them to pick 10, like like the like as you see them, and and people are like, Oh yeah, I I I want this, I don't want this.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And when you see 30, it's hard to pick 10 because you think all of them are your values.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then it's like going down to five, like your top five.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's harder because you need to really you really need to listen to yourself.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think um there is an obviously one way of doing it for everyone, it's different.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: But what really um what's really magic, it's because people are finally pausing and using 10 minutes, 15, 20, 30, whatever amount of time they need to really think about it, look inside, stop, asking themselves questions and listening to themselves.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is not something people do because we are so busy all the time doing things, and then we think that doing more is actually gonna give us more happiness, or it's gonna it's maybe sometimes it does, but not necessarily.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And giving people the time to stop and think that in itself is magical.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's it's a process of understanding, and then once you've narrow it down to five, is understanding are those really your five, or are those coming from religion, society, your parents, and you feel like you have to.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really looking at them with a kind set of eyes, with no judgment.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that I always say to my clients, do not judge yourself because it's pointless.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Look at all of this with very kind eyes, and everything that happened, everything that your parents passed on, it was done with the best of intentions, from a place where they had all the resources they had and the information that they had, they did their best.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: Whether they're probably inherited inherited their values.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Correct.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: So now that you, as an adult, as a parent, are giving yourself the time to think, you can actually decide.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that I'm gonna let it stay there.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: It served me until now, or it didn't, but I'm gonna leave it there and I'm actually gonna take on something different.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes, for example, parents might have um might have given children like a very strong work ethic, but that maybe meant that it showed up as in like taking time away from family or from health to just work and show that you're a good, you know, good little worker.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: It does no longer maybe serve the person now because they have different priorities.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's like showing up for their family or looking after their health.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: So work isn't at the center of their world anymore, so that value has to shift again.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to disappear, but it has to kind of take like a back position, and another uh value may come out, which maybe is fun.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: For example, fun is one of five values for me, it's so important, and it's right there because if something isn't fun, I don't want it.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: So, uh but it's not something that I took from my parents, you know.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: They I don't think they necessarily had a lot of fun, in maybe they did in their own way, but they kind of gave me different values, yeah.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I chose my own.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really working kindly through what you had and what you want, and and they're not fixed, it's not like people have to choose five and then they can change, but now that they know that they can stop and assess and think about it, they can then do it again in their own time and allow themselves to be curious and open and check if that value is serving them at that point or not.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: So it's learning also how to play with them.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Values are not fixed, but they are definitely the lights.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: I see them as the light in the road, you know.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know exactly where they're leading you.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's really useful.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then you feel less guilty, I guess, then about the choices that you make.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because if you're choosing something that aligns with your values, you automatically know it's right.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Automatically, and if you're choosing something that is not, there's something inside that is like there's a friction.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's feel it in your tummy in your gut, can't you?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, oh, yeah, I get that.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: Is there ever is it ever too late?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm guessing there's people listening to this that have teenage and they may feel it's too late, or maybe they've got ad is it ever too late to do this?
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's never, and I'll tell you, I once had a client who um he he was um, it was a couple of years ago, he was 70, and he came to me because he was struggling with his daughter who's 52.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll tell you that it's like it's not uh well, maybe he was 80, but anyway, the daughter was over 50.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: She was in her 50s and he was he was uh her father.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: So um it's never too late because we never stop to be parents or children, depending on you know where we're where we're looking from.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's absolutely never too late.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I tell you what, it changes.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure that you and that you know from your own experience when the children are babies, it's different from when the toddler.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: You parent differently, they're different.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: The the the the dynamic shifts, and we as parents, we have to evolve, grow with them.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot parent my 15-year-old as I was parenting her when she was seven.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it doesn't work like that.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: And equally, I will not be able to parent her when she is 30 the same way I'm parenting her now and she's 15.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it is absolutely never too late.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, the sooner you start, the easier it is because you are used to it.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: As with everything, I also do mental fitness, and as with everything, when you start something and it becomes natural and familiar, it's not it's less difficult, right?
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you can't Of adapt in a much easier way.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: But it should always be available because us and our children deserve the best version of ourselves.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: And we can only do that when we stop and we start choosing how we show up.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, it's just it random and it's Yeah.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: Parenting such a big role, isn't it?
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a parent, it's such a big role, isn't it?
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: So people, when they book in with you, they do the values.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: So what does it typically look like?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then do they do sort of check-ins then throughout their child's life as their child goes older?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's not formulaic, you know.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't have I don't have answers because everyone parents their own way, and I never want to teach anyone how to parent.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: That is really not what I'm doing.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um what I what I want to do is I want to allow parents to have a moment of reflection, to stop from the busyness and the calendars and everything, and the expectations of people and the expectations they have, they put on themselves of how this should look like, or uh, you know, how how this is doing it, how that person like scrap all of that, come back to yourself, to your child, look at your child, and it's not about me giving you a strategy.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I can give you a strategy, but it may not work with your child, it may not work with you, with your family.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: So the real work is stopping, look inside.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you as a person when you're not a parent, when you're not a worker, when you're not a friend?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then looking at you and really look at your patterns, your uh behavior, your reactions, your thoughts, as I was saying before, it all starts from the way we're talking to ourselves.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the way we're talking to ourselves impacts everything that we do, and also how our children are then experiencing us and then living.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it all starts with the person, then we open it up to the person as a parent.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: So the parental values, the parental missions, and also deciding what they what kind of parent they want to be in the long run.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, what is really your objective?
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you want to be as a parent?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you want your children to be?
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have I used to run workshops um with like groups of parents a few years ago.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: I stopped doing that, but back then I used to ask the parents, um, what's the most important thing for you as a parent?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: And most of the people used to tell me that my child is happy.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, okay, fair enough.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's a bit vague, but okay, fair.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I was asking, are your actions, your daily actions, aligned with these?
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then they were saying, Well, actually, I shout at them when they don't hurry up, or when they're playing, I tell them not to be messy, or and they would find out that their daily actions were really not making sure that their child was happy.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: It was making sure that they were feeling okay.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: So if the mess was frustrating them, they would take it up on the child.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or if they had to leave at that time and the child wasn't complying, then the child was a problem.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: So the happiness of their children was really not the most important thing.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: So my point to them was like, I don't want to make you feel guilty, but you need to reassess either what's your most important thing or your daily actions, because those two things are completely mismatched, and you're telling yourself a lie and you're setting yourself up for failure if you're not stopping and seeing this.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really just um putting your mirror in front of people and asking them to be honest, because just when you're honest, you can change, change things that you don't think work.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: If people are happy the way they are, it's perfectly fine.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need any work.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: But if people are thinking there is something that I could do better or something that is not working, and if I work on myself, it's going to get better, then those people are gonna get results.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's fascinating though.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm finding it really like interesting.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I think as well, like looking back, there's often this expectation.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I don't know, I know you obviously grew up in Italy, but in the UK, we felt I felt like, and you know, speaking to my friends that we had a lot more freedom growing up.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, we'd like leave the house very young and go off in outside.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: And uh my summers were very much my parents were there, but they were in the house, and we'd all just go off as groups of friends, but you don't do that anymore.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's also a difficult thing about the school holidays that parents have to be everything to that.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Let me ask you a question.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why are the children not doing it now?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't think the world is more dangerous.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was very dangerous back then.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in the 80s, and let me tell you, it was hard.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: There were a lot of kidnapping and there were a lot of uh violence, and and there was no checking in.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if I was gone, I was gone.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it was maybe even more dangerous.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: So my question is why are children not around in the street anymore?
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's this societal expectation, isn't it?
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's this if something bad happens to a child and you read it on the news, everybody blames the parent, predominantly the mother.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but but so that you're right, you're absolutely right.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there was maybe less blaming back then, there was less uh the news were traveling in a different way, and of course it was different, and there was different priorities for 80s parents.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: But my point is um let if we if you give children the opportunity, they will rise to the occasion.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I think.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: So limiting their time outside is not gonna teach them how to behave when they are actually finally gonna go outside because they're older and they will encounter some events.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, my encouragement to parents is get out of your own fears because if you're not letting your children go out, it's because you are worried something happens, but something could happen and something could not happen.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know that.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't it be better to teach our children some life skills and then get them to go out and test them a little bit at a time?
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: So my daughter started going to parties.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of telling her not to drink, I told her, okay, so this is what's happened.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna have a beer, it needs to be cold, you need to eat something first.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Don't have spirits because if you have one, you don't think anything happens to you, and then all of a sudden you're drunk and you cannot handle it because you haven't done it.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: We me and my husband did a whole prep for her.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: She did not like it, but she needed it.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because and I wrote this um in one of my newsletters, because at the second party she went to, half of the people um ended up in hospital because they were too drunk, and she wasn't not because she was not drinking, but because she knew she had to eat first, then she had to pace herself, then you know what I mean?
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, so instead of uh um forbidding things, teach them.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, have the conversations, have the uncomfortable conversations, the one they don't want to hear.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: Teach them and then see get them out there and see how it is.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when they come back, debrief.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: How was it?
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: What did you find?
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, okay, this time, and and then go on and build on it.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, there are go outside, be alert, phone in your it stays in your pocket and you look around.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: I it's if you are not teaching them, they're not learning.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and we are we cannot expect that by keeping them in the house they will learn.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then what happens?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: They stay in house and they are on the screens, and we are not happy about that either.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then we're guilty.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are they supposed to do?
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's my question.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: We are setting children up for impossible standards, yeah, and ourselves and ourselves.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, if some parents enjoy their freedom, find your own way in 2026 to make that happen for your child.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm saying.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, decide for yourself.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: If instead you're too scared and you want to keep them inside, then you're gonna have to work out whether what inside looks like.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is it TV, is it internet, is it books, is it games, is it playing?
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: But even then you have to step in, you have to step up.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot just leave them in the house and you do something else.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot be lazy when you're educating a child, and I'm not saying you have to do everything for them, but what I'm saying is intentionality requires work, and work is hard.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: Parenting is hard, that's just the way it is.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of the day, we prepare for all our jobs, we go to university, we show up, we do everything, and when we become parents, we don't learn, we just go in it, but we are raising a human being, it's a huge responsibility.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: So in and no one will have all the all the answers, and no one is doing it perfectly.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that the the parents who are the most successful are the ones who are constantly questioning their methods, they're learning, they're talking, and especially they get to know their children.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know I work with a lot of parents who they don't even know their children, they expect or they think they are one way, but they haven't stopped and looked at them.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, with with some of them, I work on motto.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: I call them motos.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: Look at your child, see what their strengths and weaknesses are, and create a motto that will help them either overcome a weakness or play on a strength and and and and give it to them and repeat it to them, and it will come and grow up with them when they're older, they will know, you know, it will be a little bit more than a lot of people.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_01: What would be an example?
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, the motto is obviously personal to each child, but what would be an example of one such motto?
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you the ones that I gave my children.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: So um, when when my daughter was younger, she was uh like a very serious little girl, very good in school, very proper.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like she was she wanted to be like everything was right, etc.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and so I wanted her to have a little bit to let go a little bit.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I gave her the motto the most important thing in life is having fun, which at that time when she was probably like six or seven, was you know, it's okay.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't have to have everything under control.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can let go and just have fun right now.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: But for the future, I was already gearing up for the teenage years.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: The one thing that I'm really against, and of course a lot of people will be, but I'm very careful about it's peer pressure.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't want my children to do things because other people do it.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: I want to I want them to do it because they want to do them.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, was the implicit message at that time was whenever you are in a situation, if it's not fun for you, it's not for you.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: Get out of there.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: If it's fun, you can say it.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: Fun is your measure, it's just it's your measuring stick, okay.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so she grew up listening to this.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: And now that she's 15, that's how she assess whether she's in a place where she should stay or not, but not based on the danger, she doesn't know that yet, but based on how she feels.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: Am I having fun or not?
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_00: If not, it's not working for me, so I should remove myself.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was the motto for her.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: My son, he did not need any encouragement on having fun, he was very good at it.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: So um, during the pandemic, he was struggling, and as I'm sure a lot of children with attention doing homework because obviously we were home, and I'm not a teacher, I had no patience, and so um it was it was a it was a difficult moment for him to concentrate, and he was very much into Spider-Man and and superheroes.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: So uh his motto, the motto I I I gave him was your superpower is learning.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: And what I meant was learning, not necessarily just do your homework, but learn from the things that you do, because learning is going to set you free.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: So literally he can recite like um uh things that he has heard on TV or documentary, or and any what you know it was great to hear the teacher say, like he can come up with something that we discussed six months ago and connect it to now and remembering or bringing a fact, and he has learned how to play piece things together.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: So for him now, going to school is not-I mean, of course, he doesn't love it as with all the children, he's 13, so it's not like he's not like a uh a unicorn, but he understands the the value of learning because of this, and so he sees it from a different point of view, and so he does that and he learns things and he retains them in a different way because he sees the value in them.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I'm telling the parents, don't worry, because the way I'm describing it, it sounds seems easy, and it is when you are guided through it.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: I do this as a job, so don't worry.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you have to come up with it.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: But the a very good place to start is look at your child, really look at them, look at them when they're playing, when they're with other children, when they're in the house, really see what they're doing or not.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, just when you observe them with curiosity, okay, not to fix what they're doing, not to teach them a lesson, just look at them.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: You will have a much better picture of who they are they're growing up with, and you will understand what they need more encouragement with, or you know, like you will understand where you can go in or not, and then maybe work with them and you can create it together because it only works if they like it.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they don't like it, it doesn't work.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_01: So, social media obviously you go on like Instagram and you see people and it looks like they're all having an amazing time, and you know, sometimes people don't have the time, they don't have the money or whatever to recreate what they see other people doing.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: How do we stop comparing ourselves?
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, already comparison it should be avoided.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm telling this, comparing yourself to social media, but also comparing yourself to the other mom, a pickup, or comparing yourself to your cousin, your sister, anyone, yeah, stop comparing yourself because it doesn't serve you and it doesn't serve your family.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: What you can do if you see something you like, you may try to replicate it with your own means and within your own family.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can get inspiration.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if social media serves as entertainment or inspiration, I think it's doing its job.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: Also, I don't be I don't need to be the one telling people that what they see on social media is not the full picture, right?
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's just a very curated version.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone knows that.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can be I can be telling you all of this, you can be seeing this, and you don't know what's going on all around me.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: It can be messy.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you don't know.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so um just take things at face value because it you don't really know what's behind that.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, what I'm most concerned about is that now, probably as um reaction to this, a lot of people post on social media their children's tantrum, or um when they're like acting up in places, or the discussions, all of the things that I think they should be very private because well, if they if they are real, because right now we don't even know, maybe they're just reacting them, but reenacting them.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that those moments should be very private.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think we don't know what the effect this has on children, really.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that everything or a lot of things are displayed online for strangers to have an opinion on.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: They're not allowed these children to have their own um childhood inside their own four walls with their family, it's got to be everyone's business.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know what the effects are.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, my encouragement with the people I work with is enjoy social media if you can for what it is, but really don't use it in your life, don't take it within your life because most of the times, if we are worried about posting a very good picture of our child being all happy in the sea, we are missing the moments of being in the sea.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying don't take the videos or don't take the pictures, take all the pictures and take all the videos, but keep them for yourself.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: Look at them later with your children, go home and relive these memories.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: But the moment that you are doing it for the public, it's it no longer serves your family, I think.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: Also, because half of your mind starts being preoccupied by how many likes will I get?
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: What would they think?
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_00: Will they like it?
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_00: Will they say I'm having a great time?
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you are giving other people the power to decide for you whether you are having a good time or not.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, whether you're a good parent, right?
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_00: No or no, and also it's none of their business.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: So, my I I really encourage people just use social media for entertainment or for inspiration.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: For everything else, you do not need any extra pressure.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: We are so good at doing that on our leave it out there.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if you see something that you like and you genuinely think that it would be great to do with your family, do it or try to do it, or maybe reach out to that person and ask them, How do you do that?
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_00: Be curious, create a community, create real relationship, learn from people that you think could teach you something, but envy them for what they do and what they have.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know really what's going on, so it's even pointless, I think.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's some people you follow online and they all look perfect, and then you know, a couple of months later they announce they're having a divorce or something like that.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_01: You really don't know, do you?
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, you don't know, and you should be much kinder with what you have because most of the time we are so preoccupied with what we don't have or what we don't think we have that we are missing what we have, and again, sometimes it takes comparison to understand how lucky we are, but most of the times it's just okay.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_00: Again, pause, open your eyes, and look around, look at your people, enjoy your people.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you don't need anything fancy to enjoy what you have.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's in the most unexpected moments, very ordinary, that the magic happens.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you chose your people, I mean you maybe chose your partner, your children came along, but again, they're your people.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: You chose them for a reason.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to that and and and ground yourself in the moment.
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_00: We are so preoccupied about tomorrow, next year, what what it what it was, we can fix it, we can change it, and what we will be, we can't predict it.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_00: And we miss what we are living right now.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean to be like fake positivity or you know what I mean.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't want to be philosophical, but I really encourage people to just stop for a second, look around the room, take a breath, and be there.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_00: Just be there.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: It really lifts a lot of weight from people's shoulder when they just allow themselves to just be there.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_01: Another thing is obviously there's this guilt, isn't there, at work?
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: So we have the guilt at home, and we've talked a bit about the guilt at work as well.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_01: And especially in summer when you're juggling, your kids, you know, you may not they might not be in camp every day, um, you might not be board camp every day.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_01: So there is much more of a juggle.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: How do you advise people that feel they're also letting work down as well?
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's another thing, isn't it?
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_00: I think well, I think that the the the risk, well the the problem is that we try to be 100% great at both things.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's not possible.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not possible.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_00: So we if we are 100%, something's gotta give.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: So um the best, the most useful thing to do is prepare.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_00: So those weeks before the holiday starts, instead of worrying about them, prepare, put plans in place.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_00: These plans are there to help you, they stop helping you when they work against you.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it means that when the plans don't go to according to things don't go according to plan, you have to be able to reset.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: What helps again is create a structure, some sort of routine.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, routine is what keeps people sane.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_01: People like routine, it's not just me.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, no, it's children need routine, but people in general need routine because our brain likes predictability, yeah, it doesn't like unknown things.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: When it's unknown, we start worrying because the brain needs to create a picture of what's gonna happen.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if we don't give it to it, it starts creating it, and it could be anything, and then we start spurring.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_00: So predictability is very important for our brain.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_00: So creating a routine, whatever that is, even if it's just we have breakfast together every morning.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, or um on Wednesday we go for pizza or on Friday we do a barbecue.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, whatever is some sort of pillars in the day and in the week that really helps, especially with smaller children.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing is, we need to regulate first.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to create our own pillars first.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we are unregulated, our children are unregulated.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_00: They borrow their um uh their their calm from us, they borrow their emotion from us.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: If we are panicking, they are panicking and everything goes you know out the window.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: So the most important thing for people is to understand again to regulate themselves, which helps having a routine, having a plan.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_00: Plan for them and plan for me and plan for work.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't serve anyone to don't tell work what's going on and just keep apologizing or having to catch up or or or being uh uh um showing up late and showing up uh anxious, trying to create to do lunch while we're on a Zoom call, or uh you know what I mean?
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's it's trying to do everything at once, it's setting us up for failure.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to be clear with work, we need to put a plan in place and tell them I'm available until four, then I'm not available anymore.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_00: But this person is gonna pick it up for me and we've arranged that, whatever it is that works, you know, in your situation.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we are in two places at the same time, we cannot be in any place at all.
• 47:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're not doing our work well because we are worried about the kids, and we are not staying with the kids well because we are worried about work, yeah.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_00: So it needs to be planned, but we need to be um prepared to be unprepared because again, things will not always go according to plans.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_01: You might get a last-minute meeting, or it might be Malay, or you know.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_00: So we must be prepared to be unprepared.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_00: What does it mean?
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can have plan A, B, and C and be ready to deploy them one after the other.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_00: But at some point, something that you have not predicted or you have not expected will happen.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: And how you respond to that, it's going to change everything that comes after.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if you prepare to be unprepared, know that some unpredictability can happen.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can get ready already, but not with a plan, with how you regulate yourself.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_00: So if something unexpected happens and you panic, you spiral, you really it's hard then to make to to do something with it.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_00: If something unexpected happens and you're like, okay, I saw this coming.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not this particular thing, but I saw something happening.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's all right.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_00: What's the priority number one?
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this needs to happen.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_00: What's the second thing that needs to happen in order for it to happen?
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's really like working, and when I when I coach, I have like really uh very easy um in uh tools that that help people work through this.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like really, what's the what what's the priority, and then what needs to happen in order for that to happen?
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_00: And we like we work it in steps, and it's a method.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_00: Once you know the method, you can apply to everything.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_00: Having a method helps, not a lot of people love it, but it helps.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_00: So when I work with people, I always encourage them to live the way they want, but in sometimes use the method because it will it will bring you back and it will help you.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, once you have a plan, the brain relax.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, it goes anywhere.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_00: So prepare to be unprepared, it means prepare yourself mentally that if when something happens, you can handle it.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_01: I feel it makes so much sense.
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds crazy.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_01: I get quite anxious like booking a holiday and things like that, and then I I go around and run in circles for weeks, and then as soon as I book it, I relax.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it's that isn't is the plan.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, how can parents support each other?
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_01: Whether they're how can parents support each other during holidays, whether they're together or not together.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_00: That is so important for me.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_00: And um so, first of all, it's communication.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because um, one thing that I see is most of the time one of the parents carries an invisible list of things that they do that the other parent doesn't realize, and then often they will reach a point where they explode because they have so much to do, and also because they are expecting the other person to pick it up, but they're not talking, the other person doesn't know, and that's where everything goes, sits up because communication is key.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_00: Plan again, planning in this sort of scenarios is always the most important thing.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_00: So sit down together before the summer starts and plan it out, and then check in with each other at some point.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you made a plan in June, maybe in August it's not working anymore.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_00: So check in that it's still working, work each other out, work each other's schedules out because one I think one mistake or uh something that is not useful for a lot of couples is expecting that everyone is gonna do everything, so to do things together, to show up together.
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't serve anyone, it's not possible.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or do things 50-50, equally split.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_00: Again, not a realistic thing.
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a parent will do 90 and the other 10, and then the week after is going to be the opposite.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's got to be that flexible as long as both parents are on board.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the the most important thing is clearly communicating it, and also don't expect that one parent is the project manager or the priority parent or the parent in charge, because it's not just doing the things that it's hard, but it's thinking about the things that is most that is even harder.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the parent that is normally doing the thinking is the one that carries all of the invisible load.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_00: So the other parent, the one who thinks it's easy, they should check in with the other one to make sure that they are not missing anything.
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_00: And encourage each other to take some time for themselves.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because when uh it's hard enough during term when everyone is working, everyone is school, you need to do the pickup, etc.
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_00: But during holiday, when um the parental responsibility is even enhanced, is even harder.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: Taking time for oneself is not selfish, it's like recharging your battery, it's so important.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I see a lot of couples that they don't do that, or they do it and the other person is guilting them out of it, or there is some sort of like um uh anger or or frustration.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh uh, it doesn't help anyone.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone needs some time for themselves, whatever that looks like for everyone, it's different.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_00: For someone, is a walk in the park, for someone is going for a pint to the um at the pub, for someone is what a spinning class.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 53:18
  SPEAKER_00: For for some people it's different, but it's important that parents are encouraging each other to take this time because when you do, you come back recharged and you're not angry and you're happy, and you're giving all of this energy to your family, and the partner will benefit from it rather than both be a little bit frustrated and stressed out.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're both regulated, so encourage each other to do that.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, sometimes maybe it means that one parents go home for the bath and dinner routine and the other one go out for a night out, or and it's okay, you know what I mean?
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's okay because you can do that in turn.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that is making sure you both do it, isn't it?
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know a lot of friends where they don't seem to get much time for themselves, but their partner seems to get a lot of time.
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, but that again it's it's it's communication, and and um it's most of the time it's women that are not taking time for themselves because not necessarily because their partner will not allow it or will not encourage it, but because they think themselves they're not supposed to do it.
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the mothers that I work with they carry an invisible guilt of this is what I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to sacrifice myself for my children.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_00: No, you are not supposed to do that.
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you enjoy spending time with your children, great, but that's an entirely different thing.
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to enjoy your time alone, your time with your friends, your time because when your children become your own, your whole world, it's a lot of pressure on them.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I can tell you that it's it's not it's it's not very healthy.
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_01: No, not for anybody.
• 54:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and finally, before we wrap this up, if you if someone's listening to this and they are returning to work in after the summer in September, any top tips that they get themselves, you know, I guess, off on the right foot.
• 55:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's uh think about um maybe uh are you are you talking about returning to work after maternity leave or after or a career break or um ease yourself in like you were bringing your child to nursery for the first time.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I'm saying is do not expect life to start back like where you left it.
• 55:34
  SPEAKER_00: You are not the same person.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, the world is not the same world, the workplace is not the same workplace.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_00: So do not expect to snap back in because you're setting yourself up for failure.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_00: Work yourself into a routine beforehand.
• 55:49
  SPEAKER_00: So um, it's like if you were going to the other side of the world and you have to adjust to jet lag.
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_00: Start creating your morning routine similar to the one that you're gonna have when you go back to work before you actually do.
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_00: So you're testing out.
• 56:04
  SPEAKER_00: So you start having breakfast at a certain time and do things at adjusting the times of your day beforehand.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_00: And when you get to work, do not you don't need to prove anyone that you're back full time, full scale, and full capacity, and and and whatever you leave didn't happen.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_00: People don't expect that, and you should not expect that for yourself.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_00: Ease your back, uh, yourself back in.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure that you listen because a lot of things will have changed.
• 56:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you have changed.
• 56:37
  SPEAKER_00: You listen to yourself, you listen to your colleagues, ask questions, come back and don't assume that you know everything you don't.
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_00: So be kind with yourself in your rhythm and your expectations.
• 56:51
  SPEAKER_00: The expectations should be matching the reality, not be unachievable because then you're gonna fail and you're gonna feel like a failure, and you're gonna spiral spiral into probably depression, etc.
• 57:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then learn to ask for help.
• 57:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not many people do that, and it's not a good thing to do it alone, it's a very lonely place out there.
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_00: So ask another mom to do the pickups on Thursdays, and then you can reciprocate with something else that worked for you.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, ask your friend to help you out one day.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_00: They may tell you no, but if you don't ask, you don't give them the opportunity to step up.
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_00: And most of people want to help.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_00: I recently I recently had a friend of mine who told me after everything had happened that she hit her head, um um felling off a bike, and her husband was away, and she had to go to nursery to pick up her good daughter, but she had to go to a knee and she did all of that.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Why didn't you call me?
• 57:54
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Because you're so busy and you're doing things like I would have dropped everything to come and you're joking.
• 58:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if we're not asking, we're not giving the people that love us the opportunity to help, and we are doing everything and we're not doing it right, so help, ask for help.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm saying.
• 58:14
  SPEAKER_01: Nice, I've loved our conversation, I really, really loved it.
• 58:19
  SPEAKER_01: So, how can people work with you, find out more about you and the services you offer?
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely.
• 58:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, I have a book out which is called When a Parent Is Born, which is not a book on how you should parent, but it's a book that helps you think about the things you're already doing and gives you a different perspective on how you should look at yourself.
• 58:40
  SPEAKER_00: Then I have a weekly newsletter, which again is on Substack, which is called When a Parent Is Born, and again, it's it's about some tips and situations and stories and and and things that people may be experiencing.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_00: For the coaching, I do um um like journeys of like sessions with parents.
• 58:59
  SPEAKER_00: They may have issues, or they may just want to improve something, or they just want to uh you know assess where they are and they want to suss it out, and it's they can be very um uh uh general or they could be about a certain age group or a certain issue.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_00: There is a lot about uh maybe technology, a lot of teenagers.
• 59:19
  SPEAKER_00: I work a lot with parents of teenagers, but there is also about um you know um middle ears and tantrum and and a lot of things like that.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_01: So it's about parents of sen children.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yes, I I'm not specialized in sen, but because I work with the parent, yeah, it applies because again, regardless of what the problem is, how you show up at it changes everything.
• 59:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, so it's the way that we speak to ourselves that most of the time solve or make a situation worse.
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yes, the answer is when you want, when you're ready to work on yourself, give me a call.
• 1:00:00
  SPEAKER_01: And how can people call you?
• 1:00:02
  SPEAKER_01: You got a website, you I know you're on LinkedIn, so put your LinkedIn.
• 1:00:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, of course.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I have a website that my company is called Regal, uh, which is a coaching practice um through which I do parenting and mental fitness.
• 1:00:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so on what my website, there are um all of the um information to call me, to uh message me, to I'm on I'm on Instagram, I'm on LinkedIn.
• 1:00:24
  SPEAKER_00: There are many ways to get in touch with me.
• 1:00:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I encourage parents to even when they're not sure what the problem is, but there is something that is not clicking, give me a call because I normally do like a 20-minute um recovery call where we talk a little bit about what's going on, and I can suggest whether there is something I can help with or not, what it looks like, etc.
• 1:00:49
  SPEAKER_00: And um some people are scared to say that something isn't working, but the thing is when you're not saying it, you don't see it and you don't solve it.
• 1:01:01
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's like a vicious cycle, whereas it should be like a very enjoyable thing being a parent.
• 1:01:09
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 1:01:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you so much, and um have a brilliant summer.
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, everybody that's gonna be able to also yourself, Julia, because I know you are spending a few weeks in Italy as well.
• 1:01:18
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you so much for joining us.
• 1:01:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Elizabeth.
• 1:01:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was super nice talking to you and uh see you soon.
• 1:01:24
  SPEAKER_01: See you.
• 1:01:25
  SPEAKER_01: Bye-bye.
• 1:01:27
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to another episode of the Work It Like a Mum podcast.
• 1:01:32
  SPEAKER_01: If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe.
• 1:01:36
  SPEAKER_01: And don't forget to share the link with a friend.
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_01: If you're on LinkedIn, please send me a connection request at Elizabeth Willet and let me know your thoughts on this week's episode.
• 1:01:46
  SPEAKER_01: You can also follow my recruitment site, Investing in Women, on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.
• 1:01:51
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, keep on chasing your big screen.