Latest / Only Bombs! Comedy Podcast / ONLY BOMBS! 22: Chris Akin

Transcript

ONLY BOMBS! 22: Chris Akin · Only Bombs! Comedy Podcast

0:00
Only Bones Can you hear me now? Yeah, I can hear
0:46
you loud and clear and sorry about that Sorry
0:48
about that. I left a banana out and now there's
0:51
like there's like three gnats that just are just
0:53
like they're refusing Oh, I thought that was
0:55
like why the dogs are barking. There's a banana
0:57
on the other side of the door you son of a bitch
1:00
Why is it so easy for cats to get to these bananas?
1:03
Why do cats like bananas so much, right? I got
1:06
no audio on this on the headset. Oh wait hit
1:09
that button right there on that thing our yeah
1:11
And then I think you might be two or one or two.
1:17
Yeah, keep playing with them until you hear yourself,
1:19
basically. Hey, how's it going? Yeah. Hey, this
1:22
is a weird way to masturbate. Right? Yeah, I
1:25
can hear myself. Amplifier. Amplify, amplify.
1:29
Does it work on the dick? Amplify dick. Yeah,
1:32
is it working? Because I haven't set that up
1:34
in a while. You mean amplifying the deck or?
1:39
It's been years since I've amplified myself.
1:42
Yes, it's working. It's working, I think. Can
1:44
you imagine if you can amplify masturbation?
1:46
It's like, no one has been outside in two years.
1:52
This just in, another COVID, your hand. Your
1:55
left hand. Your left hand is set. Yeah, I put
1:57
googly eyes on it and like, hey, you haven't
1:59
kissed me in years. I don't know why you never
2:02
do anymore. Why don't you swap hands? Right.
2:07
Wait. The power commits. I have no idea on the
2:12
headphones. I just look cool. Oh, you have no
2:14
audio. We're just loud enough to where I'm like,
2:18
oh, this is aesthetics only. Right. Hey, how
2:20
was Only Bombs, by the way? It's like I didn't
2:22
hear a thing. OK. I was talking. I hope it matched
2:26
up to what he was saying. Let's see this. Okay.
2:29
This might help I don't know I hope it does we're
2:31
gonna see we don't have to wear the headphones
2:33
then oh Is there it just looks cool? It does
2:36
yeah, we couldn't home. Let me see let me see
2:39
let me see what's going on Let me see if I can
2:41
figure it out. I've powered all four channels.
2:42
Yeah, only bombs kind of crazy Only bombs himself
2:46
bombing only bombs is bombing Did y 'all know
2:53
this was an electric chair? I got the feed, but
2:57
there we go. Yeah. Oh man, am I that annoying?
3:01
How's it, how's it sounding now? You're good?
3:02
Yeah, I can hear me. Yeah? That's creepy. You
3:05
want me to turn you up, down, whatever? I am,
3:07
I am turned on. Baby, is this why you like me
3:14
so much? I'm very turned on right now. I can
3:18
hear me. Good. I'm glad that's good. All right.
3:21
Wait. All right. So here We're one of those shows
3:25
You ready for the fart sound Dude I wish I had
3:31
a fart sound that's cool. If that was your fart
3:34
sound that would be great I would love to have
3:35
birds come out of my ass if I fart, right? For
3:41
one of my shows just if it's just silence Yeah,
3:46
I've never I've never used those so I was just
3:48
like oh wait. I've always had real audiences
3:50
It does like voice things too. I thought good.
3:54
Yeah. Yeah, so you're able to hear this right?
3:58
Yes. Oh God, that's weird It sounds like a foamy
4:05
the squirrel, you know that yeah, it's exactly
4:08
like foam with the squirrel You guys can't hear
4:11
but it's been pitched up So it sounds like helium.
4:15
It sounds like we're talking like this! Right?
4:19
That's so awful. Oh, there we go. We got Bowser
4:23
in my head. That's right. If you add to it. Oh,
4:30
brother. Where art thou? Yeah, dude, I just watched
4:33
that, actually. Oh, nice. Yeah. Do you like that
4:35
movie? It was a fun one. Yeah. I think the guy
4:37
really liked his frogs. Like I just thought his
4:42
friend turned into a frog you turned him into
4:44
a horny toad Well, I thought was funny because
4:48
I think the whole deal was that they were by
4:50
trying to fuck the sirens Yeah, they they thought
4:53
they were so the horny toad was a joke. It was
4:56
the sirens in a creek. Mm -hmm Yeah, I was like,
5:00
don't you guys know not to do that. They come
5:02
to this Very shallow creek where you might drown
5:04
in two inches of water Yeah, they tell you not
5:07
to go with sirens to begin with and then you
5:10
fuck my mama told me to respect all women Yeah,
5:13
even the ones that want to kill you let alone
5:14
some like southern Southern Baptist sirens. Don't
5:18
worry. They're the good ones Jesus Jesus wants
5:22
you to listen as he drowns you right? I mean
5:24
blesses you I mean and then like so they so They
5:28
leave them there, like knocked out, and then
5:31
they just leave his clothes all good -like, and
5:34
then he somehow ends up back in jail? Yeah, how'd
5:36
they clean those clothes? Right? They're like,
5:39
you know what we better do? We better put a frog
5:41
in this. They might think something happened.
5:44
Yeah, exactly. Better put a frog there. They're
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like, he's a toad. He's a horny toad. I feel
5:54
like that was his that'd be weird if that's what
5:59
they had him try out for his for the movie That's
6:02
like here's your audition try to try to look
6:05
sad for a toad. Yeah. All right, your friend
6:07
just turned into a toad React right. This is
6:12
your co -host Ribbit Ribbed for her pleasure
6:19
it right. I'm ready for insert What kind of toad
6:25
is that? It's my home Yeah, dude that whole movie
6:31
was that whole movie was nuts and I know that
6:33
it's based on the Odyssey because that's what
6:35
I sort of said Beginning the movie. It's based
6:37
on the Odyssey I'm like dude, so I'm gonna go
6:40
watch that before I go watch Christopher Nolan's.
6:43
Oh, yeah new movie He has a new movie. Wait,
6:45
but did he do another Frankenstein something
6:47
or is that someone else? I think that's something
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else. All right, I think that's that's actually
6:51
the new Frankenstein movie where like they're
6:53
dating Yeah, they're all Someone's trying to
6:57
bang a monster Oh yeah. That's what we're here
7:01
for. That's what we're here for. I paid my 14
7:04
.99 and got my free popcorn. I am here to see
7:07
Monsters Fuck. In my monster truck. If it's not
7:11
eight foot feet off the ground, I don't want
7:14
to see that. Monster fuck in my monster truck.
7:18
Oh yeah. Times two. Dose. Man. Okay, so we actually
7:24
have like his whole family here. Like, so I know
7:27
you guys can't see this, but, you know, his whole
7:29
family's here, his girlfriend and his repairman.
7:32
I like, right? Oh, no, he's a good friend, but
7:34
we just called him the repairman. Oh, okay. I
7:37
love how you introduce him as a repairman, because
7:38
I've been sitting here like, so like, do you
7:40
work for like a cable company or, you know, I
7:43
wish that I had a microphone and another camera
7:45
I can like give them, but. Rotate. Right. Just
7:48
rotate. Yeah, just ruin the whole. Yeah. Everything
7:51
that got set up. Right. Yeah, we'll just rip
7:55
down the rip down the fourth wall. Yeah, like
7:57
what's actually behind his curtain here? It's
7:59
a that'll be a mystery forever. It's a horny
8:02
toad Yeah, we're in leotard. Yeah, so I really
8:07
like that movie, you know Fun film that is that
8:11
is a fun film. That is it's a her You know, well,
8:15
are you a movie guy? Like what kind of what kind
8:17
of things are you into? I? Depends on how much
8:20
time we get The table is wide. Wide -ish. We
8:27
have a wide angle lens. Dude, speaking of wide,
8:32
what's really funny, dude, is when I was editing
8:34
this and using the wide shot here that I'm trying
8:37
to get, I didn't... Kicking left at the table
8:40
with it. Right? Dude, I didn't realize... I never
8:43
realized how big I am. I always, for some reason
8:46
in my mind, I always think that I'm your size.
8:49
It doesn't matter who I'm hanging around with.
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You look good. For my size. When I looked with
8:57
me and Keegan, I'm like, dude, I'm fucking huge.
9:00
And I'm like, I know I'm going to be the same
9:01
way with you. I'm like, I'm going to be so fucking
9:03
massive. You're going to be so swole by the end
9:05
of this. Swole in. These gnats bite. They've
9:11
been trained. These are some vicious blood -sucking
9:13
gnats. They specifically go for the forehead
9:15
and left kneecap. With like little gnat bats.
9:22
Like they work for the fucking, they're the gnat
9:24
mafia. Gotcha. You better have the blood by midnight.
9:29
You should have brought some gnatty light. Okay,
9:32
wait, where is it? Oh, I meant to hit the drum,
9:35
but... Right there is your Natty life. Here's
9:40
your Natty life This episode sponsored by protein
9:43
right? Oh god, dude. So man, how you been dude?
9:47
How's comedy been? It's been it's been moving
9:49
a bit quicker now that people take take me seriously
9:52
because I've seen a lot of the guys you've had
9:53
on your show I think simply Courtney has given
9:56
me the most We'll say bones to he's throwing
10:00
a lot more. I've been on his show a few times.
10:02
I remember when it started It was just still
10:04
at Coletown Theatre. It was just the two of them
10:06
to a completely empty room. Now they have chairs
10:08
in it. Yeah, nice. Nice. It's still a fun show.
10:13
So when you did Along for the Vibes, there was
10:15
no chairs in there? There was no Along for the,
10:17
it wasn't Along for the Vibes at the time. It
10:18
was just called R .L. Stein Music. Oh, he did
10:21
say that. Yeah. Yeah. And I did terrible on the
10:25
show. I don't think they were able to use the
10:27
footage. Dude, that's a thing, though. I've been
10:31
there, like, so many fucking times. I don't even
10:34
release my own footage. Right, it's like, I know
10:37
what it looks like. Y 'all are gonna see the
10:39
A grade of my five best videos a thousand times
10:42
tried. Here's how I really think you should see
10:44
me. Right, yeah. I mean, that's how my Instagram's
10:47
been, is I've only uploaded when things work.
10:51
Everything else is just thrown onto YouTube for,
10:53
like, my own scene where I came from. Yeah. It's
10:58
been rough, to say the least. Yeah, of course.
11:01
How long have you been doing comedy? I'm sorry,
11:03
I didn't mean to interrupt you. It takes me back.
11:09
Rim shot, rim shot, rim shot. Right, that's the
11:11
only thing I'm using. Sorry, we don't have a
11:13
tear button. More rim shot. Arguably, I started,
11:18
well, I tried it a few times many years ago.
11:21
I think the first, it was back at a backdoor
11:24
comedy club in Dallas about 15 years ago. Two
11:28
open mics. The first joke I did there was about
11:32
a condom that would change colors based off the
11:35
STD you just got. Hey, dude. That's like AIDS
11:39
again, you know. Right? That's gotta stop, man.
11:42
Right? Why is it always blue? Because I'm not
11:48
getting any or is that something else right?
11:50
It's both. You take the condom off. You're like,
11:51
oh, it's not the condom. My dick's just always
11:53
been blue. I really gotta stop doing that. I
11:57
gotta stop watching so much Smurf porn. Those
11:59
horny toads. Oh, warts. Nah, that was a fun place.
12:07
That was also the one time I actually, I had
12:11
one, technically it was a racist joke. Mm -hmm.
12:15
We could cut this part if we want right dude.
12:17
I wish I don't have a beep that'd be fucking
12:19
cool if I had a beep What the fuck I think there's
12:27
a little too much in this world Right or like
12:34
or it fucks up right I voted for What the fuck
12:42
Dude actually works. I legitimately just said
12:44
fuck Edit me out, you know edit myself out It's
12:58
just too much fun you guys are gonna have to
12:59
understand what we're hearing in our headphones
13:01
I think that's what it is. I wish oh no. Oh,
13:04
no. Oh, no. Oh, there we go This is a sensitive
13:08
cable. Damn. He got too close to the armpit.
13:11
I don't like it in there. A ventriloquist, right?
13:15
I don't like it at the armpits. That's why I
13:18
go back to church. I like that Robin Williams
13:22
from, uh... What are you doing to me? Yeah. What
13:25
are you doing to me? You're not a priest. Yeah,
13:28
that's exactly the one that I'm talking about.
13:29
I love that you just did that. That was one of
13:31
my favorite stand -up shows ever. I thought it
13:34
was a fun show. When my parents definitely got
13:36
me into Robin Williams pretty early, although
13:38
speaking of which they had no idea I was doing
13:41
stand -up for till very recently and I and I
13:44
it took a while to try to get them to I Didn't
13:47
want them to know for a while cuz like I want
13:49
to have my success for me and have y 'all Not
13:51
have any sort of like see, that's my son. I encouraged
13:54
it and like now I was in the dark until I was
13:56
ready to invite them to a paid show So they're
13:59
supportive. Yes, but they weren't able to come
14:02
to last night. Last night was the first paid
14:04
show at Velveeta Room. So that was fun. Yeah,
14:07
I remember you telling me about that. Everybody
14:11
did good. Especially when we had three people
14:14
that were on the list drop. And my phone was
14:17
just on airplane mode the whole time because
14:19
I was trying to record my own set. Yeah. And
14:22
Matt the whole time is trying to say like, hey
14:24
man, you might be going up soon. Somebody, Oren,
14:27
canceled. Burned. Fuck you, Warren. You're supposed
14:32
to war up the crowd with talking about things
14:34
that happened before him without writing jokes.
14:36
Burned again. Damn it, Warren. I have to cut
14:39
that part. I like him. Oh. There you go. Delayed
14:44
beep. The best thing about Warren. Yeah, dude,
14:51
I hope he sees this. No, he's pretty good. I
14:54
like what he does. Yeah. Awesome. I brought my
14:57
my own Turkish friend. Oh Wrong button. I'm still
15:02
getting used to the buttons We approve of Turkey,
15:09
okay, Turkey You know, oh there we go. There
15:14
we go We can insert our own sound effects. Oh,
15:20
yeah, he's playing baseball. This is a small
15:22
turkey That was weird. I thought you were there
15:26
was a good when I first we first got here This
15:28
is a guy just pitching against the wall. Yeah,
15:30
he was terrible. But yeah He had like a blue
15:33
square of tape that he taped at it and just kept
15:35
hitting it I'm like I should probably park extra
15:38
ten feet not be directly behind him dude. I'm
15:40
fairly certain. He's homeless He saw angels in
15:46
the outfield once and thought you know what I
15:47
think I can get a good swing on it Angels in
15:52
the Outfield, that's another fucking throwback,
15:54
man. I was looking for that movie for years,
15:58
and they didn't have it. You couldn't find it
16:00
on DVD, Blu -ray, anything. And then they recently
16:03
put it on, like, what is it, Disney Plus or whatever?
16:06
Yeah, they put it on that table. That table.
16:09
Just call me Al. No one can see me or hear me
16:12
but you. By the way, you're insane. But it works
16:17
out because you're at least applying your insanity
16:19
to a sport. Dude, it's so funny when you watch
16:22
Danny Glover go from Predator 2 to Angels in
16:26
the Outfield, but he's almost the same as when
16:29
he was in Predator 2. Right, that's what happened
16:31
after his two weeks of retirement. Yeah, yeah
16:37
the predator and then went to baseball Yeah,
16:42
pretty much dude, I saw people get skinned alive
16:45
and hung from a roof But now we're gonna pick
16:47
on my pitching game. Oh fuck that I'd rather
16:49
go to the LA Dodgers or you know, is it the Dodgers?
16:53
No, it's literally Anaheim Angels. I'm a fucking
16:55
idiot. Okay That is the thing that he wears because
17:02
like the angel his name is Al and he has LA But
17:06
it's flipped. Oh, huh to say Al instead or like,
17:09
you know Would it be weird if I'm like I didn't
17:11
put those together just like oh cool. He's playing
17:14
baseball I played baseball probably That would
17:16
be even funnier if you just never heard of that
17:18
movie, but you just knew all the references I'd
17:20
be like dude, it's a miracle like dude, you should
17:22
write playwright Does golden light come out of
17:28
your ass when you take a shit Right here's angels
17:30
on the outfield touchdown. All right Go You've
17:36
gone for gold and you've gone too far. Yeah So
17:39
man, so like so your your family is supportive
17:42
of you do doing comedy Well, they definitely
17:45
saw me do it the first time at back to our comedy
17:48
club and back then Nobody was really using their
17:51
it was all everyone still uses notes And then
17:54
I I got kind of annoyed like why doesn't everybody's
17:57
use their phone? to read off of, now everybody
18:00
does, but back, it was like 15 years ago. It
18:03
definitely, because of how things went, I stepped
18:06
away from comedy for quite a while until I, the
18:09
writing is what I focused on, but for that, I
18:12
made fun of all the comics. I was like, you guys
18:15
should be using technology, and then I tried
18:17
reading my notes and my phone froze. And some
18:20
dude in the audience was like, yeah, how's that
18:21
technology going? And I'm like, it's a lot better
18:23
than those hearing aid batteries. And the audience
18:27
just lost it at that point. I'm like, aha, that
18:29
wasn't planned. I'm getting off stage now. Right?
18:31
You did years ago. Like the first time I ever
18:34
like saw an open mic And I think it might actually
18:37
be around 15 years ago now that I think about
18:39
it But you know when that was one of the first
18:41
thoughts that I had was like why the hell is
18:43
that dude have notebook? Shouldn't you just have
18:46
all your shit member? Yeah, shouldn't you just
18:48
fucking memorize it isn't that isn't it? Just
18:50
that easy you don't want to lose your place in
18:51
line right and then I get up there And I'm like
18:54
where's my notebook like I need my notebook oh
18:56
that reminded me of I don't know who the comic
18:58
was but he definitely He had a notebook where
19:01
he had drawn like a hundred pictures of different
19:04
dicks And his whole plan was was just to start
19:08
off doing terrible like and the historical thing
19:11
about this. Oh, hold on guys I have to go to
19:12
my notes Then he launches his his book everywhere
19:16
pictures of dicks are flying in every direction
19:18
and it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen.
19:20
Oh god, I love that. That's great I don't know
19:22
if he still does that but I was like you that
19:25
you can just draw dicks and throw them around
19:27
and people laugh so he's just he's picking them
19:29
up like no no they're gonna see my secret drawings
19:31
like that's like 200 dicks on the ground man
19:34
like dude that is each one was different i'm
19:36
like that's a lot of setup for one punch line
19:39
no that is brilliant man even when i went on
19:42
uh kiltonia i had my fucking one minute set written
19:45
down on my hand yeah like hold on guys Yeah,
19:49
it's just a picture of a dick dude. You can see
19:51
it and I use my left hand for part of it So I
19:53
could just be like I've even seen Maria Bamford
19:57
will have like on the back of her back of her
19:58
thumb Will be an entire just her whole set is
20:01
written just keywords for each one of them So
20:04
if you could see some of her old material, you
20:05
can see like the back of the thumb Visible in
20:08
some of those shots. That's awesome, man. I love
20:10
Maria Bamford so much. Oh, yeah, man. I got tickets
20:13
Yeah, again. Oh hell. Yeah, you see number four.
20:16
Oh, I think like twice now. I actually I dude
20:19
insane insane. Oh beautiful That's such a great
20:23
answer did like 20 minutes on just doing like
20:26
grimace grimace grimace And then the grimace
20:28
was telling me to do this and grimaces and like
20:30
I paid for this. Oh Beautiful dear. I was we
20:34
were my our seats were like right by the green
20:37
room So you could see the door open up. I just
20:39
see her reading a magazine board. I'm like, ah
20:42
Thought you'd be like killing a few animals in
20:44
there. Oh hell. Yeah, dude I love how she can
20:46
go from like super super awkward to all the sudden
20:49
like just corporate like a switch just fucking
20:53
whoa, dude And she does that corporate voice
20:55
like hello. I'm normal now. Yeah, I can't do
20:58
the voice But she's got like three voices and
21:01
acknowledges that high voice little voice low
21:02
voice Yeah, they have a new comic that kind of
21:05
reminds me of her, but she never she doesn't
21:06
do any of the switches But she had some clip
21:11
that went viral on Instagram, I think. It was
21:14
her on the news. I don't remember her name, I'll
21:17
have to figure it out. But yeah, she was on the
21:18
news. She was on the, we're hunting this person
21:21
down on the news. If you've seen this comic.
21:26
So the news, they asked her what was her date
21:28
in life like, and she was like, yeah, I went
21:30
on a date and somebody told me I looked like
21:32
Jean -Béné Ramsey. And then that guy was never
21:34
seen again. Yeah, but she was. It's kind of weird.
21:38
She's wearing his pants, shirt, and hat. Yeah,
21:41
do you remember Lorraine and Bobbitt? Lorraine
21:44
and Bobbitt time? Yes. Yeah. And Robin Williams
21:47
again. Yeah, it's like, oh, where's my dick?
21:52
Oh, no, no. Oh, there it is in the front row.
21:54
Dude, I love comedians who do all that stuff.
21:57
Do you like Pablo Francisco? He's a fun one,
21:59
too. Yeah, like all the voices, I think. Was
22:03
it him or someone else that did like a perfect
22:05
John Madden? Oh Oh that that's mad TV. Yeah,
22:11
Frank Kelly and that's the one. Yeah, Frank.
22:12
How the endo does that? He doesn't million of
22:15
those voices dude. Oh, yeah I remember him doing
22:18
John Madden a lot. Mm -hmm, which I can't do.
22:20
Yeah Daryl Hannah was pretty good from Saturday
22:23
Night Live. Like, you know, he's a he did the
22:28
Sean Connery from Jeopardy to Jeopardy. Speaking
22:31
of Sean Connery, I had a Sean Connery battle
22:33
once, where it was an impression off. Oh, yeah?
22:37
Yeah, it was at Kickbutt Coffee in Austin. And
22:41
the guy that was on stage, he was doing other
22:43
impressions. And as soon as he did Sean Connery,
22:45
like, oh, I can do a Sean Connery talking about
22:47
shorts. Like, I like short shorts. I like short
22:53
shorts. I like them when they're full of money.
22:58
Is this thing on? I like short shorts with money
23:03
in my thong. I've got the light shift. I don't
23:11
know what those impressions are, but I don't
23:12
feel like it's any Sean Connery. It's called
23:16
Close Enough. and safe enough to not be sued.
23:19
Yeah, ah, fuck. I don't know. Yeah, sorry, dude,
23:24
your episode was not a epitode. On this next
23:27
epitode, we're bringing back the horny toad.
23:30
Your horny epitode. It's like just a fucking
23:34
toad that's like high on epinephrine, just a
23:37
fucking epitode. He's like, I'm alive! I had
23:50
200 brothers and they all got eight, you know,
23:53
I can't go anywhere near a French restaurant
23:55
anymore Was he a big pole? Nah, just a tad It's
24:09
just a tad joke yeah, they're not a dad joke
24:12
a tad joke Memorize the colors yeah blue for
24:18
sad it was like I was telling you I'm colorblind
24:20
so I'm sitting there like oh Fuck everything's
24:23
gray. Yeah. Oh, I got the eyes of a dog Dude,
24:26
that's like that. That is a thing that people
24:28
always ask me like dude. What do you see and
24:30
I was like you well I'm like I see the demon
24:33
on your shoulder Do it what I never understood
24:38
about that was with the whole like Colorblind
24:41
thing versus like not being colorblind thing.
24:43
Yeah, is that I still see colors, right? And
24:46
I'm like, I just don't see those colors. I'm
24:49
what you call an ally I'm an ally Dude, I love
24:54
that bro. Like that's really good. That's really
24:56
good No, I always thought of my dude like okay.
24:59
So if that's red or orange to you That's probably
25:03
gonna be like it may look green to me, but it
25:05
will be my red or orange you feel it right? You
25:07
know I'm saying so it's like is it red and orange
25:09
to you. Yeah. Oh my god. No totally It's red
25:12
and orange for me as well What do you see that's
25:15
a let's compare notes those things only go when
25:18
my toilet flushes really so right it only turns
25:21
on When I see a horny toad All the buttons went
25:27
gray. Oh no! Dude, I found it. Oh yeah, finally.
25:35
Right? This is called... It just started making
25:38
everything hot. I really need to probably turn
25:40
that off. I'm very sorry. The first episode,
25:44
we're like, I have a soundboard. He's playing
25:47
DDR. Dude, I've never been able to use it. I've
25:51
just had it. It works now. Congratulations, guinea
25:56
pig. Right? Dude, I'm happy that you can help
25:59
me out with it. Right? It's really awesome. I'm
26:02
also kind of curious to see if it actually comes
26:05
up when I'm... If we hear it, does the soundboard
26:08
pick it up, or is it just going to be we're reacting
26:10
to no sound? Dude that would be fucking epic
26:17
like basically we hear with they here like we're
26:20
just going ha ha ha ha yeah, we just stopped
26:25
talking every once in a while Yeah, when I do
26:30
the when I do the sound later, I'm like dude
26:32
That's it's gonna be really funny to go back
26:35
and listen to right. He's just like I know I
26:37
had a sound effect There's no rim shots. I have
26:41
to insert my own right. Oh god royalty for free
26:44
rim shot Yeah, shout out pexels and pixabay.
26:48
That's where I get all my free stuff from You
26:51
mean your sound or just free stuff sound I go
26:53
to their house They give me microwaves and blenders
26:56
hello pexels, so we meet again You know you didn't
27:00
return my phone call. I went to dinner alone
27:04
But yeah, that's where I'd get sound from. I
27:08
also get free clips. That's always good. Yeah,
27:12
if anybody videotapes. I get 9mm, 40 cal, free
27:16
clips. Right, yeah, a couple of magazines. Oh
27:19
dude, you wanna know something funny actually?
27:20
For a long time, I was like, you know, putting
27:24
in, you know, filmed in Austin, right? And I
27:28
had a city that I would post thinking it was
27:32
fucking Austin. Yeah, and then I didn't know
27:35
it was Detroit the whole time dude. It was Dallas
27:38
I was enough. I sent it to my girlfriend. I was
27:41
like hey What city is this and she's like that's
27:44
Dallas and I was like are you sure no? That's
27:46
not Dallas gotta be you know that big ball on
27:48
the stick. I said that's downtown, dude I'll
27:51
put in a Chad GBT and everything and it was like,
27:53
oh, that's Dallas. I was like, oh bro I've been
27:56
saying filmed in Austin this whole fucking time
27:59
So so now what I do is I choose like like last
28:02
week was the Vatican and I said filmed in Austin
28:04
Yeah, you know, so that's basically what I've
28:06
been doing but you got filmed in the Vatican.
28:09
It's you get a green screen We're in the Vatican
28:11
now. Pope's walking towards us. Every time I'm
28:15
filming, I have white smoke. I've picked a new
28:19
host. It's like purple smoke coming up. That's
28:24
when we're going for our ethnic crowd. Is there
28:29
a thing with that purple thing? I'm good. Purple
28:32
rain, purple rain. I always liked purple. What's
28:37
your favorite color? Do you have a favorite color?
28:39
I'm just like I've always liked purple turn around
28:41
really Where is it? I can't see it Okay, everything
28:46
behind me is yellow. Is it your shirts purple?
28:48
You just see a big -ass frog. You're like what?
28:52
Telling me a favorite color is green. We're all
28:55
killing It just shanks you right oh So that's
29:00
how they pay us. I love I love how we barely
29:03
talked about fucking comedy Tell us more about
29:08
stand -up. Every two minutes, you know? But these
29:11
kind of episodes are always like really refreshing
29:13
when you're just like fucking just going. Like,
29:15
oh man. It's like, I love talking to people and
29:18
I love getting like, you know, really deep and
29:20
I love hearing their stories. But every now and
29:22
again it's fun to cut up. We're doing 30 minutes
29:24
on frogs. Yeah, exactly, dude. It's like, not
29:30
all frogs lay eggs, you know? Just the ones I
29:34
bring home. They really need to stay away from
29:37
the walls. No, actually, I should get a few frogs
29:40
in here, dude. You ever seen, like, one of those
29:42
big -ass tree frogs? Yeah, yeah. Those, like,
29:45
big Cuban tree frogs? They look adorable when
29:48
they're in a picture form, but you get up close.
29:51
Damn it, Bobby! Damn it, Bobby! Stop sucking
29:53
on frogs! You ever seen that King of the Hill
29:56
where somebody told Bobby that if you throw an
29:58
egg at a tornado, the tornado would suck it and,
30:00
like, push it through a house? And then so Bobby
30:02
goes and throws the egg at the tornado, and then
30:05
comes back and slaps him in the face. Oh, that's
30:08
awesome. They're telling that to children. If
30:11
you throw the egg at the homeless man, he'll
30:14
just say thank you and start eating it. Yeah,
30:16
I love how they sat there and told that to a
30:18
kid. I mean, the first thing he does is - Now,
30:21
don't do this. Right? It's like when Bart finds
30:23
out if you give jet -pressed rives to birds,
30:26
they explode. Oh, dude, I haven't seen that.
30:29
I really haven't seen. I think it was in the
30:31
Simpsons movie, which they're apparently coming
30:32
out with a new one. Oh, really? Yeah. I was like,
30:35
yeah, dude, that's a really nice legendary show
30:38
about people who are severely jaundiced. Yeah,
30:42
and about children being abused for our enjoyment.
30:46
Yeah, Jeremy cut that out Oh shit wrong I need
30:53
my own soundboard for whenever he does the wrong
30:55
soundboard. I'm like, haha. Oh, dude That's a
30:58
good it's give me a good idea man. Oh double
31:00
soundboard shit. We're gonna soundboard off Yeah,
31:04
I'm gonna give you like completely different
31:05
sounds. I'm not gonna label. It's just 20 farts
31:08
Me uh Alden and Shobb when Alden was on here
31:12
he got into like which farts were like His favorite.
31:17
His favorite in which we're like the funniest
31:18
and like the best ones that people react to.
31:21
Always the wet ones. Yeah, so do you think the
31:24
wet ones are like funny or do you think those
31:25
are kind of gross? When they're not happening
31:28
to me. If I'm not the one suffering, it's always
31:34
funny no matter what it is. When they're not
31:39
happening. I mean, ironically, I recently discovered
31:43
this product called Bean No. Be no, right? Yeah,
31:47
dude be no, dude This would be a very different
31:51
podcast if I hadn't taken it. Oh The fuck dude
31:55
would be the sound effect. You would need a new
31:58
chair and I would need new pants Probably a new
32:00
girlfriend. Oh my god, dude. Yeah be no When
32:06
it's not happening to me everything's great if
32:10
I'm just watching it happen Dude, I think that's
32:13
my favorite favorite part of this podcast It's
32:17
just as long as it's not happening to me. Yeah,
32:19
if my insurance isn't being hit by this I'm fine.
32:22
Yeah, my farts are usually just like In and out
32:26
I'm like now the problem is I've got one of those
32:28
Squatty potties or like lift your leg off the
32:32
ground so you can have an easier time taking
32:33
a shit you have those Yeah, how is it? everything
32:36
comes out I Don't know the answer that I was
32:41
expecting How is it? Useful. I legit don't know
32:47
the answer, I was expecting. I nicknamed it the
32:49
Excavator. Yeah dude, the bulldozer. Right? There's
32:56
a guy with a hard hat inside. Deliver! Pop the
33:01
builders inside my toilet! Dude. Yes we can.
33:04
So my girlfriend at her job, they did... Excuse
33:09
me. My girlfriend had her job. They did what
33:13
was it white elephant? Mm -hmm, which I still
33:15
don't understand. Why is it gonna be white, right?
33:18
They did that. We can't do that, can we? Why
33:20
does it gotta be white? Like, you know, right?
33:22
Why does it gotta be? Why does it gotta be? I
33:28
uh, I spazzed out there. Oh, I'm sorry. I was
33:30
mouthing words. Oh, you were? Let's see. Hey
33:36
Wait is it even working for you? It sounds like
33:38
a robot on your end. On my end, but not your
33:40
end. Right. It's not working on your end. No
33:43
doctor, please insert. It's like a robot voice.
33:48
Dang dude. I forgot the batteries, I'm sorry.
33:51
Dude, this is... Plug it in, Jim. Plug it in.
33:54
This is a colorful episode, dude. This is like
33:57
a tie -dyed episode. Here's your three minutes
34:00
on comedy, and everything else is just, we threw
34:02
a big bag of shit at the wall. Yeah, it's just
34:05
like, just fuck it. Let's go, dude. Just give
34:08
me a fucking mic. Give me everything. Yeah, let's
34:11
fuck. You wanna talk? We're gonna talk, dude.
34:13
We're gonna make it awkward and weird. Brother.
34:18
Yeah, brother. Dude so to continue with my white
34:21
elephant story right so somebody got a squatty
34:24
potty at and heard White elephant thing and I
34:27
remember just being like and what the fuck is
34:29
that I never even heard of that before Yeah,
34:32
well, it's very popular in the Middle East nice.
34:35
Oh Where's the rim shot art there we go, but
34:43
no that's actually What they uh, actually had
34:46
a couple of curtis roommates for a while and
34:48
they were very happy to see the squatty potty
34:50
Really? Yeah, I helped get them a couple of jobs
34:54
with the u .s military That sounds so wrong only
35:00
bombs No, it was uh speaking of which i've got
35:09
an I have to interview for them again tomorrow
35:11
because i've They uh, they'll call you up the
35:15
like FBI nice to be like, are you do you recommend
35:18
this person for it? I'm like, yeah, he goes to
35:20
strip clubs and plays baseball and he's good
35:22
for the for government secrets Yeah, insert explosion
35:29
here, right I mean, um, I think I can talk about
35:32
this other one. I don't if I don't say their
35:34
names. Is that okay? Yeah, so They had to do
35:39
an english test To prove that they could write
35:43
in English so I Definitely helped write them
35:50
an essay, but all I did was complain about Walmart
35:53
And they got the job You talked about rollbacks
35:58
for like two hours It's making everyone's life
36:01
the same Walmart is the devil or whatever and
36:03
they're like, oh, that's good English Perfect.
36:06
Yeah, you can talk to generals and tell them
36:09
secrets Yeah, they're like, all right, listen,
36:12
dude. All right, so that they're located on aisle
36:14
six right next to the tires and the oil Wait,
36:19
what are you talking about? We're not a fucking
36:20
Walmart. Oh, oh, oh the bad guys. Oh my bad Yeah,
36:26
they work at the checkout line. Yeah, they're
36:28
the greeters I even had although one one time
36:33
to make sure that they were doing the test. Mm
36:37
-hmm. They used a webcam And this was it worked
36:41
So I had to like stand behind the computer while
36:45
he pointed it at my empty apartment and I have
36:47
to like circle around him while they Examine
36:50
everything to make sure no one's there to take
36:52
the test for them So then I'm just hanging behind
36:54
the table just typing it for him while he just
36:57
sits there pretending to be typing Dude you pulled
37:01
a little rascals They got the job and I still
37:07
haven't gotten a kickback for it. Oh my god,
37:09
dude What do you do? Are you like some kind of
37:10
proctor or something or no? I am I'm a private
37:14
security You're in private security. Yeah with
37:17
a gun. Oh Yeah, it sounds cooler for five seconds.
37:20
And I so I'm the guy at the total booth that
37:23
says You can't come in sir. So you're like a
37:25
level 3 security guard? Yes. Oh dude, that is
37:28
so fucking funny, man. That is such a crazy coincidence.
37:33
I literally went to a job interview today for
37:35
a level 2 security job. Nice. Well hey, my company's
37:39
hiring. What kind of interview is this? I think
37:43
he's cool. We talked about frogs for an hour.
37:46
Yeah, it's like dude his whole fucking thing
37:48
is about Walmart. Walmart's involved in everything.
37:51
Right. Dude, do you like conspiracy theories?
37:56
Sure. I don't know too many, other than lizard
38:00
people. You're like me, where you like them,
38:03
but you don't know too much about them. No, I
38:05
like to hear about them. I'm like, you believe
38:07
that? Oh, cool. Yeah, how far do you live away
38:10
from me and how far can I move? I know dude.
38:13
There's always something man There's always some
38:15
kind of conspiracy theory that hits you a little
38:16
bit hard. You're like dude. What they're like.
38:18
That's a little too close to home It needs to
38:21
stop man All right, how strong is the beano and
38:25
are you holding it back a fart this entire time,
38:28
right? The me the beano This episode sponsored
38:31
by beano. Yeah. Thank you beano. No farts By
38:35
the way, this would have been a very It's been
38:39
a problem It's been a medical issue I've been
38:42
fighting for a while then my friend goes I take
38:45
be no I'm like, oh really Amazon deliver brought
38:50
to you by be no and squatty potty. Yeah, and
38:53
also tied pods Don't eat them again What do what
38:59
was that about? They were colorful like candy
39:02
and they someone probably sued or lost a child
39:05
I hope they got paid. Yeah, right Jeremy cut
39:08
that out. All right, then the JRB Jamie Jeremy
39:11
there's like it's just us. It's just us four
39:15
people in his little room I literally think it's
39:17
not even ten feet. Nah, it is it's ten feet.
39:20
No, it's a hundred feet You have no idea what's
39:22
behind this curtain. Don't know it's behind there.
39:25
It's a hornet He's just been Yeah, I'm gonna
39:30
suck your legs tonight Right are you French actually
39:35
I am Everybody can be French when it comes to
39:39
frogs. What's your ethnicity white nice? I was
39:46
born of the caucus mountains molded by them more
39:50
likely, but Molded by the caucus mountains. No,
39:54
I'm actually um, I know half German Part Scottish,
39:59
part French, all the white ones. Yeah, but mostly
40:01
German. Whoa, what is that? I was saying it wrong.
40:06
Oh, oh, oh. Like German. He's like a demon German.
40:10
Yeah, don't say that now. We already mentioned
40:15
Walmart once. Don't talk about the father. Oh,
40:20
wait. There you go. Dude, this one I feel like
40:23
I need to put it like right here, just so I can
40:25
like hit everything. Oh, yeah. Actually, that
40:27
reminded me of how my grandfather got a World
40:30
War II Mauser smuggled over from Germany. Wow.
40:35
It was like piece by piece. Each individual part,
40:39
he mailed home and then reassembled the gun back
40:41
home. No way. So my dad's got one of the original.
40:45
One of the original 500 guns Do you like that
40:53
Spongebob? Oh Patrick Spongebob Spongebob Get
41:06
out of my bathroom stop drinking my bath water
41:10
mr. Krabs Ah, SpongeBob, come here, I need some
41:18
dish soap done. Stop using me to clean my face!
41:21
Right? Hey! Hey, SpongeBob! This is definitely
41:32
a colorful episode Yeah, these last two are fucking
41:38
funny Keegan's was good, too I want to get like
41:45
have you ever seen those lava lamps like this
41:46
like four foot lava lamps they make those Yeah,
41:49
I feel like somebody used one wrong just sat
41:51
on it and it broke But then they just became
41:54
the lava lamp. Right? I've always wanted to just
42:01
break one. They have a YouTube video. They have
42:07
a YouTube video where somebody, he does that,
42:09
he shoots them. Like his whole thing is shooting
42:12
lava lamps. He's got like, what, a million subs?
42:16
Dude, most likely. At this point? Yeah, yeah.
42:21
Yeah, most likely my father was killed by a lava
42:23
lamp. It's my favorite channel It's like yeah,
42:27
I was having a magma lamp, but it didn't do anything
42:30
for a long time You know, but you'd be surprised
42:32
how many condoms fit on a lava lamp You remember
42:35
that Russian guy that used to have that he just
42:38
would shoots it off Yeah, just all he had like
42:40
tanks like every gun. Yeah, and then YouTube's
42:42
like that's too violent Like don't you else show
42:45
the news? Yeah, apparently he wasn't even Russian
42:48
Something I think I think oh, so they took him
42:50
down because he wasn't authentic. Yeah, he wasn't
42:53
authentic He wasn't even a real Russian, so apparently
42:55
like I think he was actually filming the entire
42:57
thing in the States He's in the middle of Wisconsin
43:01
right pretty much the neighbors are all afraid
43:04
Yeah, you just put on like a fake accent and
43:06
just blew shit up I'm like dude you could have
43:09
just been normal and just blowed shit up. It
43:12
would have been just fine sure you could just
43:14
Put a big pile of dirt behind it. You're just
43:17
like shooting into the tree line. Yeah What kind
43:20
of stuff do you scroll like if you're if you're
43:22
scrolling like what are you seeing? a lot of
43:26
seals eating fish My Instagram right now is just
43:34
a bunch of sea lions just oh My god, it's great.
43:38
I love like your eyes when you said that you
43:40
were like a lot of seals eating fish So what's
43:46
that about dude you got there they got your seal
43:49
of approval they of course yeah Dude, I've been
43:54
watching a lot of dolphins actually lately, you
43:56
know, like I don't know what they even watching
43:57
dolphins and what they do to people Thank You
44:00
Lisa Frank. They are the second most hornyest
44:02
animal next to Lisa Frank Dude I need to get
44:09
Lisa Frank on this podcast. I'm out. I'm not
44:12
familiar with the name Like I was just yes ending
44:19
so in the in the 90s She was like, uh, I probably
44:22
should then like an artist and what she would
44:25
draw She was a real artist are these like fluorescent
44:27
like pictures of like like dolphins and tigers
44:31
But the whole thing was like they were all neon
44:33
and like fluorescent and they were all trying
44:34
to bang each other Have you seen those videos
44:38
dolphins are those one of the horniest creatures
44:40
on the planet. I heard that I heard pigs are
44:43
too Apparently yeah, but we eat the pigs the
44:45
dolphins are cute and we swim with dolphins.
44:47
I don't like pig Nobody wants to swim with the
44:49
pigs I think no depends on the state Did you
44:54
so with dolphins? There's like this whole thing
44:56
with that like they're it's illegal to approach
44:59
them. It's illegal to talk to them Right there
45:02
in the witness protection agent What do these
45:06
secrets these dolphins have? It's illegal to
45:08
call them, you know, right? It's illegal to hang
45:11
out with them. You can't go to their birthday
45:13
parties. Yeah. Hey, don't do that to that blowhole.
45:15
What are you doing? I'm helping them breathe.
45:17
It's clogged with me. This really sucks. As a
45:22
dolphin, this really sucks. Yeah. As a dolphin,
45:25
I do not approve. Yeah, we got blowholes too.
45:28
It's just an exit only. Yeah, there's a ton.
45:30
Thank you brought to you by be no right brought
45:33
to you by it's squatty potty and you know, you
45:35
know and Pepto Bismol, you know You have diarrhea
45:40
Yeah, mr. Dolphin But yeah, man, it's a yeah,
45:46
there's this whole thing around it about you
45:48
know, like how it's just highly illegal to even
45:50
speak to or do anything to dolphins Not sponsored,
45:56
right? My hydration. Yeah, I guess that's why
45:59
I was asking you about the, what do you call
46:01
it, the fucking conspiracy theories. Yeah. Yeah,
46:04
I was just wondering if you had like... The dolphins
46:05
are actually people. Yeah. That's what we do
46:08
with our perverts. We turn them into fish. Yeah.
46:13
Mammal fish. We gotta make sure they're still
46:16
fuckable. Dude, I watched one fucking, like one
46:18
video about like... It had to be AI or some shit
46:22
like that, but it was about a siren, I think
46:24
that was in Brazil or something, that came out
46:27
of the water. And then somebody filmed it, of
46:29
course, and then now... And they took it on a
46:31
date, they took it to dinner, and then they never
46:33
called them again. Right, and they only brought
46:35
it to a sushi restaurant. Once. Right. And left
46:38
with one heck of a good tip. But dude, that's
46:42
what it's like, man. You watch one video, and
46:45
then all of a sudden your entire freaking...
46:48
Like what do you call it like yeah your feed
46:50
your feed. That's it. Yeah, your entire feed
46:52
your entire crack assembly line Why do they call
46:58
they call it the feed because that's all they're
47:00
giving you right that's what has produced oats
47:03
That's what it feels like you know I bet I'm
47:05
always interested in like what's in other people's
47:07
feeds because mine's just like it's silly as
47:09
fuck It's like stand -up comedy now and right
47:11
in sirens in Brazil Like a stand -up comedy and
47:17
also the fish people are hot I Mean nice cheekbones
47:22
for sure and great gills like really good gills.
47:25
They can really breathe underwater Yeah, and
47:29
then they turn into a giant horny toad right
47:31
it's like fuck Damn, they got me again. I can't
47:35
escape these fucking things, you know. I thought
47:37
these were supposed to be gay. Dude, fucking
47:41
horny toads, man. That's gotta be the best name
47:44
for a toad. Right? Horny. Dude, you know that's
47:48
a thing, man. Like, it's an actual animal. Yeah,
47:50
and they got horns. And it's Texas. And they
47:54
spit blood. Really? Out of their eyes, yeah.
47:57
That's what happens when you leave it on too
47:58
long. Why do you think it's turning blue, man?
48:05
That's an expandable toad. Do you know what they
48:08
eat? On command? Nice. No, they eat like these
48:14
weird like... You know frogs that eat bugs? No,
48:19
they eat these like little, well not little,
48:22
these really big ass ants that they don't make
48:25
piles. They make like holes in the ground. And
48:29
um, and so I think they call them like cane ants
48:32
or something But they don't but they don't really
48:35
bite but the horny tones will be like outside
48:37
because this is like a crop circle looking thing
48:39
That the ants will do and and so they'll show
48:42
they're talking to the aliens. Is that the conspiracy
48:44
theory? Yeah, dude. Yeah, my horny toes have
48:46
been saving us this whole time. My aunt talks
48:48
to these aliens Did you see all those like UFO
48:52
shits that uh that have been coming out? No,
48:54
not recently. Yeah. What you got? So it dude
48:57
it looks so fucking stupid. I saw the shit on
48:59
reddit this morning and it literally looks like
49:02
somebody took like an old hubcap and just went
49:05
like Just like through it. It's like quick down
49:08
take a picture You gotta get it in midair. Yeah,
49:12
you threw it wrong. Dude. That's what it looks
49:15
like They're flying for Dude, yeah, I'm like,
49:21
I mean if that's all it takes then we can go
49:23
to like Goodwill and find plenty of silver things
49:25
to throw around right? Yeah, like quite literally
49:28
a flying saucer A shopping cart full of like
49:35
50 saucers like what are we doing like we're
49:37
filming a movie dude. We're gonna be on the news
49:40
Oh my god, you know we should do we should like
49:42
go and throw like Like different ceramics like
49:46
just like coffee mugs and take a picture and
49:47
be like, oh fuck Can you believe it? Yeah Folgers
49:51
has taken over dude. Yeah I swear I gotta figure
49:55
this out somehow but I want to have like to where
49:57
I can pull up shit like, you know, like your
50:00
mom's house or right Like Joe specifically what
50:03
is my dad been up to right? Hey pops, but but
50:07
I wish that I had a way that I can pull it up
50:09
and be like dude Look, you know, but but yeah
50:11
on reddit. It's like it's literally They post
50:14
like the archives that the government released
50:17
and was like, yeah check out this shit, man They
50:19
just put like a filter over it. Yeah, you can
50:21
still see the logo of the plate that just says,
50:23
you know Ford He got it off of a car. Yeah, and
50:29
they're literally like dude. No, seriously. It's
50:31
real. Duh. It's a real hubcap Yeah, it's a real
50:35
fucking hubcap. You just come out the next day
50:37
like where are my hubcaps gone? That kind of
50:39
shit yeah exactly yeah that kind of shit interests
50:41
the fuck out of me because it's one of those
50:42
like It's one of those things like I want it
50:45
to be real, but I don't believe it You know you
50:47
know what I mean like do you have anything like
50:49
that like ghosts or anything like that? I would
50:51
love to have a ghost that just cleans my house.
50:54
No Yeah, me too. Like that would be kind of fun
50:57
to have he's just like washing dishes and doesn't
51:00
realize he's dead I'm like hey Frank. How's it
51:04
going? Right Just keep scrubbing like the dishes
51:08
are just floating getting the self -clean. I'm
51:09
like this is the best haunting I've ever had
51:12
yeah like Casper I'm the friendly janitor I'll
51:20
clean your house. It's like and your pipes ah
51:23
Mickey Mouse I think right oh I don't even know
51:26
what Casper's voice even sounds like to be honest
51:28
with you small child then small a small boy who
51:31
died Yes, he's friendly In death and he really
51:36
wanted Christina Ricci a lot. Yeah Do you believe
51:42
in that shit you believe in ghosts I do to a
51:45
certain degree Depends on well, okay, I get they
51:49
become extra real if I ever get tricked into
51:51
walking through a graveyard I Think at that point
51:56
it's like I don't believe you know how they got
51:58
me again You could go in and be like, I don't
52:00
believe in that shit. Hell no, but you're going
52:01
to a graveyard. You're gonna be like Alright,
52:03
I believe in a little something. I think if you
52:06
only go to the expensive tombstones Those are
52:09
the safe ones because they had a better life
52:12
Yeah, dude, I don't I don't believe in it, you
52:15
know, I do respect people who do I don't but
52:17
I don't personally believe in it You know, but
52:19
I always get I'm very curious but people who
52:22
do you know? Cuz I'm always like what what like
52:25
where did that come from? Like why do you think
52:27
that they're real? I definitely had friends that
52:30
believed in it Yeah, and it reminded me of us
52:34
of a story my friend Russell and a Back story
52:38
for him. He's got spina bifida. So he had no
52:41
muscles in his legs and was permanently in crutches
52:43
That's the only sad part about him. We call him
52:45
penguin Because he loves penguins Nothing to
52:52
do with his waddle. That's that's how I know
52:54
y 'all are good friends, though When people can
52:57
play like that. Then we bought him a big stuffed
52:59
penguin that he nicknamed Gwen and we were convinced
53:01
he was fucking it. You know he was, dude. He
53:11
had a lot of give on that tail feather. Oh, man,
53:16
that's why I don't have a fucking lamb chop Muppet
53:19
anymore That was the song that never end so this
53:24
was a story where he was a Bunch of them decided
53:27
thought it'd be fun to try to have like some
53:29
weird picnic late at night in a graveyard And
53:32
then one of them hears a weird noise and they
53:34
all start running Russell cannot mmm, so he's
53:38
just He's just like in the woods like guys, you
53:41
know, I can't run right? Yeah, just can't keep
53:45
up like if that was Camp Crystal like I think
53:47
Jason would have been like you've had enough
53:49
and just leaves them and goes kills his friends
53:51
Holy shit, so y 'all left them in a graveyard.
53:55
I wasn't there. I was told the story I'm the
53:57
good friend of course that wasn't invited to
54:00
hang out naturally Yeah, I was kidding here for
54:06
a second there What? Tell us more so you weren't
54:11
you weren't invited to hang out No, no, it was
54:13
just one day but I was told about it later and
54:15
that they were running away like there's a Ghost
54:18
or whatever in the woods were all scared and
54:20
they're running away terrified and he's just
54:22
come on Dude, nobody was like and they tried
54:24
yelling at him. Hurry up Russell like I can't
54:27
run Yeah, nobody like threw him over a shoulder
54:29
and nothing that would have made more sense.
54:31
It's like he's not that big a guy No, fuck you
54:35
didn't like y 'all just left the ghosts are gonna
54:37
get me if they Thanks, Russell. Sorry, Hot Wheels.
54:43
Take it one for the team, you know. Dude, the
54:45
most fucking ghostly thing that ever happened
54:48
to me was we were, it was like me and a small
54:50
group of people, and it was a small, me and a
54:55
small group of people, we go out and we're hunting
54:56
for mushrooms. Alright, we're trying like this
54:59
explains the ghosts, right? So we didn't find
55:02
any but we thought I are dude Let's go fucking
55:04
turn over some cow patties and shit like that,
55:07
right? All right, we thought okay, cool. We're
55:09
gonna find a bunch of you flip it over It's the
55:11
face of Jesus, right? We got to sell this on
55:13
eBay Jesus Christ, you know, I don't know. So
55:16
of course we had like this one Of course, we
55:19
had this whole fucking thing where we're like,
55:21
all right, dude, like we're gonna go do this
55:22
shit Right, but we go at night And so we're trying
55:26
to walk through these woods to get to this like
55:30
Pasture where there's like cows I guess you know
55:33
and probably cows in this pasture or we're breaking
55:35
into someone's property for no reason We're just
55:37
going to like a random fucking field or they're
55:39
probably just a playground. We didn't fucking
55:40
know any better You know so so we go to this
55:43
So we go to this pasture or we're trying to get
55:46
to this pasture and we're going through these
55:47
woods and As we're kind of navigating our way
55:51
through the woods There was a like all of a sudden
55:54
like everybody fucking heard it like all of a
55:56
sudden there was like a whisper And it was like
55:59
none of us and take down your pants children
56:01
You're right Give me your balls, you know one
56:05
at a time But yeah, I brought a toad but dude
56:08
like everybody started fucking running and like
56:11
I kind of like waited and then for some reason
56:13
like I guess like the energy Was like a little
56:16
weird now that you're alone. So she's giving
56:18
you a massage. Yeah My shoulders feel great cold.
56:26
Yeah, it's like dang dude that ghost got big
56:28
titties. It's a ghost busty I'm afraid of no
56:35
ghost busting busters Ghost busties brought to
56:41
you by pasties, you know, right? So what's uh,
56:45
what's gonna be new for you with comedy man?
56:49
Like we're we're you trying to get to you which
56:51
goals bud. Um, I my goal originally was just
56:54
to make my parents Paid less attention to my
56:58
little sister Now we'll cut that part. So oh
57:04
For a while I just I didn't she kept would she
57:08
would send like, here's my yarn thing I made
57:11
of a creature and just would constantly send
57:13
pictures of food, other things, be unavailable
57:16
to cut. I had sent like a month ago, because
57:19
Velveeta was my first paid show. So I sent out
57:24
invites to all events. I spent like, I was waiting
57:27
for two years to tell my parents about it. And
57:30
then I ended up sending that. Picture up to the
57:32
group that says hey come to this thing and the
57:35
first response I get back from my little sister
57:37
is we'll be busy in Arkansas Too busy driving
57:40
back. Oh that sucks. So I'm like ah you Punta
57:45
I said punta so it's safe for the internet I've
57:57
gone to like a several different shows there
57:59
and A few times I would like talk to the guy
58:01
at the entrance like hey How do I get onto this
58:03
stage at some point? And they're like you got
58:05
a message so and so online and hope they respond
58:07
back And thanks to the guy that does follow through
58:11
he you can find find him on instagram They gave
58:15
him a spot and he decided to ask me if I wanted
58:17
to do one and I was like, yes Let's go. Oh, yeah,
58:21
and I find like oh, it's a paid spot so I sent
58:23
the invite out to my folks and They're like,
58:26
that's pretty cool. And then they went to the
58:28
website and the Velveeta had not updated the
58:31
flyer. Oh, and my sister, my I got myself a charley
58:38
horse. Oh, there's a frog in my leg. Oh, my gosh.
58:43
Everything is just falling apart. Cameras going
58:45
off like all right. Next episode will be in it.
58:49
Damn. Hold on, let me stretch that. There we
58:51
go. You okay? Ah, now we're not almost 40. You
58:54
need some potassium? I think I got some banana
58:56
skin somewhere. Man, I had a banana on the way
58:57
here. I gotta be hydrated for this. Right? Got
59:00
my beano, got my banana. Got my squatty potty.
59:04
I'm gonna pinch out a loaf and be like, I left
59:06
history. Exactly. So. Well, um. But I think it
59:11
had sent out to them, and they said like, we'll
59:13
be there. But it was supposed to be a surprise.
59:18
My girlfriend told me, hey, can you buy two tickets
59:22
for my friends, which apparently was my parents
59:24
and I didn't know she was trying to get them
59:25
to show up as a surprise. But when they went
59:28
to the website, they're like, Chris, your name's
59:29
not on the flyer. I'm like, no, no, I'm the one
59:32
that's been making the new ones. We just keep
59:33
changing it. I swear I'm not making this up to
59:36
try to be impressive. Right. Yeah. Oh, man. So
59:41
yeah, it was a little bit of a cluster, I guess.
59:42
Yeah. So while they're about to be on the way,
59:45
they're in the car driving. My dad gets called
59:47
to work. And I'm like, this feels a lot like
59:49
you made that up just so you didn't have to drive
59:51
through some bad weather. But they're like, so
59:55
the next thing I'm trying to do is Cap City's
59:59
funniest person in Austin. So I'll tell them
1:00:01
like, y 'all can show up to that one and I need
1:00:05
you to bring about 50 friends so I can win the
1:00:07
first round. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, unfortunately,
1:00:10
that's how it works. The first round is a bringer
1:00:12
show. The more people you bring, you get to go
1:00:15
on to the next round. Because they don't vote
1:00:17
on if you're funny or not. No, they don't. That's
1:00:22
just how that one works. They don't initially
1:00:24
vote for people. Like the people that run it
1:00:26
don't vote for you. It's all based on who all
1:00:28
is there. If you can convince them to vote for
1:00:30
you instead of their friend, and they go, no,
1:00:32
no, I totally voted for you. My friend's like,
1:00:35
send. Right? Yeah, no, I feel that, dude. So
1:00:39
do you have anything that you want to put out?
1:00:41
Like anything that you want to tell the audience
1:00:44
here? Sorry, dude, I fucking hit the wrong button
1:00:55
again I guess I could give a few Shoutouts definitely
1:01:03
to simply Courtney for giving me a lot of spots
1:01:07
over at a tiniest bar even on his his own show
1:01:10
along for the vibes I would definitely say a
1:01:14
Jordan Yates for getting me started in a writing
1:01:17
group with those guys Heath under hill Oh look
1:01:21
Yes, follow through comedy follow that file you
1:01:24
can find them on Instagram as well as the vet
1:01:28
the Veil follow the Velveeta room because maybe
1:01:30
they'll give me more spots, please no and You
1:01:36
can find me on Instagram at link is not Zelda
1:01:40
Nice nice many people that are just like like
1:01:46
It's the Legend of Zelda, right? Isn't it? Isn't
1:01:48
that the characters? It's in the title. I'm like,
1:01:50
no, they've never addressed that. I love how
1:01:53
clever that is, man. Oh yeah, man. Well, thank
1:01:57
you so much for being on, dude. Oh, it's been
1:01:59
a blast. Man, yeah, this was a lot of fun, dude.
1:02:01
On bombs. Yeah. Only bombs, see? Right? Exactly.
1:02:06
You need an explosion button. Dude, what the
1:02:10
fuck? Yes, I do, man. I do. I'm gonna put it
1:02:12
in tonight. I will program my explosion next
1:02:15
to my heart. Hell yeah, dude. For good ideas.
1:02:20
Hell yeah. All right, brother. Thank you so much,
1:02:23
man. I appreciate you coming over. Oh, yeah.
1:02:25
And that's a wrap right there. Cool, cool. Right?
1:02:29
Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.