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Baby Blues · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Mama Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on when you know, you know,
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: That's what they say, and that can even be true
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: for some who meet as young as fifteen.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: Our love was so gross that it was at the
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: point where when one of us had just left, or
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: we were driving in cars behind each other, following each
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: other somewhere, but we'd call each other because we just
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: always wanted to talk and be around. And yeah, it
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: was just a connection that we were just meant to be.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Just it never crossed my mind that I was meant
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: to be with anybody else. I adored him from day one,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: and he adored me, and yeah, that was in our
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: of ours.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: But just because you've known someone for more than a decade,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: shared a life, a home, even a child, can you
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: ever really know anyone.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I had people around me saying, walk out the door,
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: change the locks, don't let him come home, and I
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: just kept saying to them, you don't understand. This isn't him,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: this is not him. One minute we're in love. One
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: minute he hates me. One minute I'm devastated. One minute
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: we're Okay, one minute I'm answering the phone. One minute
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not. It's just hell for everyone involved.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an eggs.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: hearts of the very people who lived them. This story
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: begins when Amy was a shy, little fifteen year old
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: living in a small country town, one of those small
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: country towns where everyone knows everyone and it's a big
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: source of gossip and excitement when someone new comes into
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: your orbit.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: He went to boarding schools. Although we weren't at the
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: same school, we knew of each other small country towns,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: and we actually played tennis together, and it just kind
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: of happened. One day we were at a leadership conference
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: both schools and he wandered over with his high socks
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: on in his private school boy uniform to this shy
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: country girl and said, I've seen you at tennis. I
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: think that you should come to my school ball with me.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Now I'm like super shy, So I was like, no,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I don't even know who you are, absolutely not, and
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: he persisted, he said, no, I think you should come
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: we'll have a great time. And by the time I'd
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: left the leadership conference, I was going to this ball
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: with this random man.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: The random man was named Zam.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: We were both fifteen, We're the same age, both in
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: year eleven, and both super sporty. He is the most
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: charismatic human being that you will ever meet. He is
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: the life of every party. He just walked over with
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: such swagger and just owned exactly what he was doing.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: ask me to the ball, got what he wanted. At
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: first I said no, and then, you know, half an
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: hour later, because how can you say no to the
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: man in high socks with this tie on, who's looking
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: at you so happy, and you know, he's got strawberry
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: blonde hair and the best smile you ever see, and
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: just tells you exactly what you wanted to hear. And
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: you know, by the time I'd said yes, a week later,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We spent weekends together
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: when he was home from boarding school, and honestly we
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: were inseparable for that entire year, and then the next
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: year with year twelve, and then from then onwards we
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: were the couple that everybody knew was going to get married.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: We were going to be together forever. We were the
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: high school sweethearts. He was very athletic, I was very athletic.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Interests were the same, We did the same thing. He
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: was a footballer, I was the netbowler. He worked on
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: the wheat bins. I taught swimming. It's all very country slang,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: but we were the same person and just kind of
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: coexisted alongside each other, and everything was so easy. There
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: was never any arguing, constant communication, everything was happy, and
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: it was just no doubt in my mind that this
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: was who I was going to be with forever. We
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: were both a little bit boring. We both didn't really
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: drink much. We just preferred, you know, to go to
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: the parties one hundred percent and we would have the
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: best time. But with our alcohol that was just kind
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: of our thing because we were more into exercise. I
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: guess I just always knew that I was loved by
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: him because we just wanted to spend time together, and
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: you know, our weekends were together, and when we were
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: in the country over summers, it was time spent with
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: both families, and we just were inseparable and that's how
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: you know that you love someone because you want to
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: spend all your time with them. And our love was
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: so gross that it was at the point where when
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: one of us had just left, or we were driving
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: in cars behind each other, following each other somewhere, but
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: we'd call each other because we just always wanted to
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: talk and be around. And yeah, it was just a
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: connection that we were just meant to be. Just it
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: never crossed my mind that I was meant to be
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: with anybody else so far.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: It's all pretty typical for fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen year olds,
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: especially from a country town, and the high school sweetheart
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: cliches continued even after school.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: You go one of two ways in the country or
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: either the high school sweethearts that stay together live in
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: the country, get married, have ten babies, or you kind
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: of try and move to Perth together and you either
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: grow alongside each other or you grow apart. We moved
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: to Perth as seventeen year olds, and we immediately actually
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: lived together pretty much. We lived between two houses from
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: the get go, and most people probably think that that's odd,
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: but country people, that's normal. And it continued to work.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: He played semi professional football. I'm the biggest cheerleader, and
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: it just like I say, everybody knew that we were
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: just going to stay together. We were the couple that
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: did everything together. Very happy times. We've moved into a
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: rental and we are working towards building our own home.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: So a seven years in, we're looking to build our
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: first home together, looking at purchasing land. He is working
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: away on the minds to save money and then playing
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: country football when he's coming home. And country football that
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: he's playing is about three hours away, so it's a
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: you know, six hour round trip that I was doing
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: with him every weekend alongside my career as a teacher.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: So we've gone through apprenticeships, we've gone through uni degrees.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: Everything's fine, everything's working really well. Takes a break from
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: semi professional football to earn more money. We go down
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: to a country club. I go with him every week.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: I'm still thinking everything's fine, We're living in our rental,
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: and then I get this gut feeling that's something is
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: very wrong. I'm like, there's just something weird. You know.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: He hasn't said anything, but his behavior has changed. He's
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden on his phone all the time,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: it's really uncommon for him. We're not communicating as much,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: so immediately I've got some red flags. I'm like, something's
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: happening here. He goes away for the weekend and then
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: I probably did what every girl does and I'm like,
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to get onto his snapchat, logged in
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: and found out that he was having an affair with
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: an eighteen year old from the football club, which was
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: actually one of his teammate's girlfriends. I found words of
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: them telling each other they loved each other, naked photos,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: you know, very much, an emotional connection on the phone.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: That's the instant drop of the heart, Like it's what
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: everybody doesn't want to find. You think that you're going
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: to find it, and you want the reassurance that it's
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: not there, so when you find it, you just feel sick.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: I wanted to vomit. I vividly remember going into the wardrobe,
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: in my walking wardrobe because at the time we were
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: living with my siblings in our Perth house, and I
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: just walked into the wardrobe and just cried and just
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: couldn't come out. And it took me a while to
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: get up the courage to actually call him and be
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: like this is what I've found and I've said I've
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: found out what's happened. You can tell the other partner
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: or I will, And he spiraled out of control. And
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: then I didn't hear from him for a month. Now
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: remembering by this stage we've been with each other for
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: seven years, never had any hiccups, never had any issues,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, he's just disappeared. So
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: he came home, packed a bag, went elsewhere, switched his
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: phone off.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: Right, well, that was a short episode.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Then after a month comes back to the house, tells
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: me the biggest mistake of his life, wants to redo,
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: you know, really reeled me and said all of the
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: right things. Naturally we did the redo. It was so confusing,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: gut wrenching for me. I have lived my whole life
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: with this person. I don't know how to live without him.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: You know, I thought that we were going to be
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: together forever and move on and have many children and
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: be happy and be the high school sweethearts. I'm a planner.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: That was in the plan. The affair with the eighteen
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: year old was not in the plan. So then for
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: a whole month I didn't hear from him, and I
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: spiraled completely out of control. So I was like, what
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: can I change about myself to make him come back
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: and be fine? And then he did eventually come back.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: We had a very in depth conversation. He apologized, would
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: never happen again. You know I said about my insecurities.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: He promised things would be different. We kind of agreed,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: swept it under the carpet, than built house.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, so let's check where we are. Amy in
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: Sam are high school sweethearts together for seven years, living
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: in a new city, thick as thieves, until one day
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: Amy finds out Sam's been sleeping with someone else, but
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: she forgives him. He moves back in. Things go back
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: to how they were before, if not better, And now
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: another year into the relationship, they've built a house. Got
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: it great as you were?
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: Okay, So now we're eight years in with Boortland, built
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: a house, happy days. Everything is coasting, you know, we're
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: in our own space. We've got the dog. So we're
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: now in the brand new house. We've got the dog.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: And then for my birthday, which is in November, he
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: gives me a holiday to Thailand. Now I walked in
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: after a day at work, happy as Larry said, hello.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: We were going out for dinner, and he gives me
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: this present, tells me to pack a bag, won't give
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: me any other details. And then you know, a month later,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: we're flying to Thailand. We've done a year of growth again.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I feel like we're rebuilding. We hop on the plane.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: He's acting all sheepish, and I'm like, what is wrong
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: with this man? You know, we get all the way
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: there and he rushes downstairs, leaves me in the hotel room.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: And you know, we do most things together. So he's like,
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to go down and check out the
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: hotel facilities. Oh, I'll come. Like, we can look at
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: the gym, we can look at the pool. What are
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: we doing? Where are we going? Are we having a cocktail?
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: He's like, no, you just stay there. He's rushed downstairs,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: come back up. We're going out for dinner, and he's thinking,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: let's go see the sunset. And I said, it's overcast outside,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: it's going to rain. There's no sunset tonight. Like, we'll
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: just go out for dinner, get a drink, and then
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: maybe we can walk into town. No, no, I really
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: want to go and see the sunset. There's a nice
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: bridge out there. We can go together. It'd be romantic,
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: and then we can go to dinner. So this man's insane.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: There's definitely no sunset tonight. It is almost pitch black outside.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: I can see the moon anyway. I'm in overalls. He
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: gets dressed nicely and I said to him, where are
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: we going for dinner? Should I put something nicer on?
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: And he goes, no, you look great like you look
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: like you. Let's go. So we're walking down to this broadwalk,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: beautiful walk, passing lots of happy couples holding hands. And
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: we got onto the broadwalk. There is no one there,
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: no sunset obviously because it's overcast. One person on the
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: very end of the bridge. That was it. And we
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: walk up towards him, and he said to me, oh,
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to get this man to take a
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: photo of us. And I was like, okay, whatever, and
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: he said, can you just give him the phone? So
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: I turned around and said, excuse me, would you mind
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: taking a photo of us? And when I turned back around,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: he was on one knee with a ring out, and
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I have just lost my mind because I'm like, oh
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: my god, this is all I've ever wanted was to
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: marry this man, and now eight years later, it's finally happening,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: and we just shared a really beautiful moment where it
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: was just the two of us on the broadbook in Thailand,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: no one around us, no one knew, and the man
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: who I had given the phone to was actually a
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: photographer that he hired. So we have beautiful photos from
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: a really special time. I'm crying, he's on one knee
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: and then yeah, we stayed there probably for about an hour,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: just enjoying a moment just the two of us. We
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: didn't tell any of our family until we got back,
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: so we had, you know, a week in Thailand, just
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: the two of us just to digest what had happened.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: And yeah, it was beautiful, best memories. Then went back
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: to work and we thought, oh, we better start planning
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: the wedding. Set a date for two years time, and
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: that would then be our ten year anniversary. We get
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: to the wedding and everyone arrives at the venue that
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: we've booked out, and we have all of our one
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: hundred and thirty closest people staying at the same place
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: for a festival of us. And for me, I am
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: a highly strong think if you ask people to describe me,
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: they would say highly strung, very organized, like quite uptight,
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: and me at the wedding, calmest person in the whole
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: entire room. It just felt like this is exactly where
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I meant to be. This is exactly what needs to happen.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: And things were going wrong. My bridesmaid forgot her dress,
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: the makeup artists messed up three of the girls makeup,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: and they were having meltdowns, and I was just sitting
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: there so calm. I was like, it's fine, everything's fine.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: The florists couldn't put the hanging piece in, so we
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: didn't have a hanging piece that we'd paid for. I
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: was like, it's fine, everything's fine. Doesn't bother me. And
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: everyone was walking around me on the room just thinking,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: what is going on? She's way too calm. There is
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: something wrong here. We do not know who she is, Like,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: who is this woman that we've never met? And I
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: had one of my brides maid pull me aside and
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: actually go are you are you okay? Are you feeling okay?
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: It's like, this is exactly where I meant to be.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: Ten years I've been with this man and now I
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: finally get to be with him forever, and we're committing
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: to each other. It's the commitment that I was after.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: And then we went on a honeymoon. Fantastic, fantastic, fantastic,
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: and then we thought, next step, let's try for a baby.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: You know, we've been together for ten years, still quite
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: young at this stage, but that's the natural progression. We've
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: got the house, got the dog done, the wedding, baby
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: comes next.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: So here they are now ten years together, with only
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: one hiccup. That whole time, they're both twenty five, married,
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: living in their dream home and trying for a baby.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: Amy was in pure bliss.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: We tried for about six months, weren't two phays that
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: it wasn't really happening quickly, not that six months isn't quickly.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: And then Yeah, I can vividly remember said to him,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: my period is a little bit late. I feel like
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: this might be the time, this might be the one.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: And did the test my mum and sister and it
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: came back positive. Told him and I just immediately elated,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: so excited to be having this baby. And then Yeah,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: danced out of the room, showed him. I was like,
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: we're going to be parents, you know, celebrated together, told
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: all of our closest people, and then waited the twelve weeks,
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: told people we worked with. He told his footy club.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: They're cheering, everyone's happy, and we're just kind of coasting
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: in the honeymoon phase until our son was born. Nine
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: months later. I going to labor with James and my
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: husband is at football training and he had given me
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: a number and said, call this number if you go
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: into labor. So again, calmest person in the room, which
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: is unheard of from me, so it's just a common theme.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: And I ring the football manager and I said, I'm
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: Sam's wife, don't panic, but if we could just tell
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: him that I'm at the hospital and they're saying that,
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm dilated and wearing a labor and he
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: kind of needs to get here. So they managers going
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, and runs across two opals to get
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: to him. And then he meets me at the hospital
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: and it ended up being such a long labor, fourteen
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: hours and then two hours of pushing, and Sam and
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: the midwives were watching the Australian Open, the Women's football
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: and the Big Bash League while I'm excruciating agony trying
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: to get this baby out. And then you know, he
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: was so present in the whole birth. He was helping,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: he was talking to me like it was hard but
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: special because we were doing it together. It was just him,
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: myself and one midwife that was it in the room.
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: They were elated, a perfect baby boy, bringing them even
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: closer together. What could possibly go wrong?
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Immediately we were given the harsh reality check that he
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: is a child. It is not easy, and I don't
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: know what we were thinking was coming, but the reality
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: of not sleeping, not being able to go out and exercise,
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: which is, you know, inevitably what we do. I'm not
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: at work, so I'm not getting that social communication. We're
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: very young, so we're the only people that have a child,
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: and we just felt lonely. Like the first few weeks
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: were fine because we had ample visitors. It's really exciting.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: Everyone wants to see us. And then as soon as
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: my husband went back to work, I was just so
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: overwhelmed with what parenthood is and one hundred percent I
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: struggled massively. It was very difficult for me. I had
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: a lot of resentment for my husband who got to
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: go to football training, he got to go to work.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: His life didn't change, whereas my whole life had turned
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: upside down. Now, I don't think that I handed it
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: in a terrible way. Was I a bit snappy with him? Yes?
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: Is most sleep deprived new mothers snappy? I think so.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: Did I want to be intimate? Not for a few months. Again,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: I think this is quite normal. And it got to
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: a stage where, you know, he sat me down and
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: was like, what's happening here? I feel like we're at
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: each other's And that's full credit to him, Like that
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: was really good that he did that. He said, I
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: can see you're struggling. What do we need to do.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: I said, we need to get this baby to sleep.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Once the baby sleeps, I can run. Everything will be fine.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Like then at least I'll get to have my break. Anyway,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: we did that, got a sleep trainer in, the baby
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: started to sleep. I straight away turned. I was like,
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: this is amazing. My life is now back to normal.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: I'm loving being mum. I get to be with my
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: son all day. Every day. I get to, you know,
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: look after my husband. When he gets home. He's got
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: food on the table, like food was always on the table,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: washing done. I was in full housewife mode and that
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: was my new calling because I couldn't. I was an
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: at work teaching, so I needed to be doing something.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: Definitely resented for the first six months, but by then
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: yes starting to really enjoy my role. And that's when
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: the tables turned and rather than me struggling, it turned
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: to my husband struggling. I started to see a few
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: small changes. He was going out after football, not come home,
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: not communicating as often, and I was just like, Okay,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: this is maybe just how he's kind of working through
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: his parenting journey now.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: But Amy wasn't worried. She'd had her getting used to
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: their new norm. Now it was Sam's and they had
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: plans to look forward to. When their son was eighteen
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: months old, they were going on their first family holiday.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: So from when James turned one, we just kind of
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: coasted for the next year. We were fine, There was
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: no issues. We were just kind of working around each
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: other and trying to figure out what parenting looked like.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: And that's when we decided we needed a holiday. So
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: we booked Bali as a family and we jet set
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: it off to Bali as a family of three. The
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: holiday was great. We were only there for five days,
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: but you know, we were out and about, we were
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: at home when the baby was napping, we would get
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: one on one time together. Yeah, and then we started
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: having conversations about having a second and we knew that
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: it was difficult with the first one, but we were ready.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: We felt ready to add to our family. We thought
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: that it was a good time to start trying. We
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: were both on board, both happy about it, both excited,
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: and yeah, inevitably started trying. And then when we arrived
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: back in Perth, he wanted to go on a night
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: out with the boys and I was kind of brought
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: off guard because I thought, we've just got home. We've
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: literally just landed, Like can we not just kind of
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: take the night to settle back in. And from there
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: that moment when we landed back in Perth and he
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: went out, everything unraveled with the flick of a switch.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: I just thought, this is just whatever, you know here,
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: I am unpacking all of our suitcases and getting the
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: baby back on Perth time and sorting everything out. And yeah,
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: he went out, and from that moment on, he went
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: out almost every single night for six months straight like that.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: So he would just you know, get home from work,
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: get dressed, go out, get home from work. Yet Jose
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: go out, not come home from work, come home super late.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: Now a week in, I was like, this is such
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: absurd behavior. I do not understand what's happening. Where is
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: my husband? Something is really wrong here. So naturally I
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: get his parents involved straight away, call them. I said,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: you really need to come over. Sam has just driven
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: home drunk, and he's telling me he's going to get
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: in the car again. And I said, if he doesn't
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: kill himself, he's going to kill someone else. And I said,
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: it's been a week of this behavior. I don't understand
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: what's happening. By this stage, Sam is screaming at me
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: because I have called his parents and got them involved,
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: and he is telling me that now because I've got
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: his parents involved, I've really done it. I'm going to
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: ruin everything. And then he got his car keys walked
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: out the front door. I've stayed inside with my son
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: because I'm like, I can't do anything. I've tried for
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: a whole week. My in laws followed him outside and
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: then he got in the car and drove off. They
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: were oblivious. They don't know what's happening, you know, they
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: told him not to drive, but they can't control him.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: He's a grown man. And you know, I said, well,
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: I'll be talking to him in the morning. We need
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: to work as a team here because I can feel
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: in my gut that something is really off, so we
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: need to work together. So here we are seven days
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: ago in Bali, together for twelve years, high school, sweethearts,
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: meant to be together. Everything running smoothly. We get home,
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: we land to give a switch, different human being. A
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: week later, we're in hell. I went in and I
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: sat on the end of the bed and I just said,
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: what is going on? And hey gave me nothing. There
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: was nothing, no communication, nothing, And I said, can we
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: just can you at least give me something? And he said,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: I'm really unhappy. I feel like I've made a mistake
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: in life and I have absolutely crumbled to the ground
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: because again a week ago, everything's fine, We've done everything
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: the right way. Yeah, we had one hiccup when there
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: was an affair, but I thought we will pass that.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: So instantly I'm super panicked. I'm like, oh my goodness,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: what is going on? And he said, I just need
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: some time. I need some time to digest what I'm
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: feeling and I said, well, what does time look like?
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: Are you moving out? Like what's happening? And he said no,
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not moving out. I've got nowhere else to go.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: And I said, well, do I need to go somewhere?
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: And he said no, no, you don't need to go anywhere.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: And I just kind of said, take all the time
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: you need because I am panicked and I'm looking at
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: my husband who's acting completely out of character, and to
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: be completely honest with you, I'm heartbroken. I don't want
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: to see him in distress, and I'm thinking, Okay, he's
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: going through something. And at that stage, I'm not thinking
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: I'm the issue. I'm not thinking he's regretting myself and
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: my child. I'm thinking there's something seriously going on in
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: his life. So I'm thinking to myself, he's twenty eight.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Is this a midlife crisis called a life crisis? Yes?
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: And obviously I'm thinking I will do whatever I need
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: to make this better, because I will be damned if
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: I'm losing my family like that is not happening. Absolutely not.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: I am not being a single mother. I'm not having
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: a child in a broken home. That's not happening. Like,
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I will do whatever I need to to fix my husband.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: Loved him so much, will love him for my whole
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: entire life.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Amy had no idea what had happened between their holiday
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: and this, but she was determined to help him. It
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: was clear he needed it.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: Next couple of months hell for my son and I.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: We are in absolutely limboland and he is off living
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: the life of an eighteen year old. He is going
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: to work. I'm not sure why or how because he's
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: getting home at five am, waking up half an hour later,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: and then going to work and remembering I'm a stay
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: at home mum, so our whole entire life revolves around
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: him going to work and me being a stay at
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: home mum. Was a joint decision, you know. I was
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: happy to go back to work. I am desperate. I
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: am trying to talk to him all the time, which
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: is making him increasingly frustrated. So the more I try
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: and reach out, the angrier he gets. And he would
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: get home and naturally I'm going to ask questions. I'd
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: be like, where are we at, what's happening, What's going on?
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: And that's when the anger started. So I would be
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: asking things like, what's happening, are we together. Are we
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: not together? What's happening? And he would be like, you
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: need to give me space. He's like, you are so stupid.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: If you do not give me space, you are the
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: reason I am so angry. No one likes you, your
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: family hates you. You're boring. I'm just having fun. You've
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: taken everything from me, you know, you've stolen my fun years.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: Things along the lines of that, and the things he
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: say are quite bad, just very calculated. You know. He
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: would make comments about my weight. I was very thin
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: at the time, probably waited about forty five kilos if
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: very very thin, very unwell, and he would say things like,
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: because I started asking the question, which I think is fair,
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: is there another woman? Is there someone else? Is that
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: me that you're not attracted to? Do I need to
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: change how I look? Do you want me to dye
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: my head? What can I change about me to make
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: you like me? And he would say things like I'm
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: not into any other woman, Scrawny people are more my type,
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: and yeah, just just awful, you know, horrible things, very
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: malicious and very yeah targeted things that he knew would
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: upset me. For example, I was running a marathon and
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: he told me that I was so weak. He knew
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: I would stop, and that's exactly what I did. I
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: got to thirty eight k's and stopped running, because that's
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: what's in my mind.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: He had never spoken like this before, not to anyone,
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: least of all Amy. But things were about to turn
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: even worse.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Then became physical abuse, and it started with he would
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: pick up things and throw them at me or in
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: my direction. He would smash photo frames, he would smash
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: James's toys. He would scream and break things and throw things,
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: and to the stage where the neighbors were definitely hearing
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: what was going on. And it got to a point
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: and it was around my birthday and he hadn't even
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: acknowledged that my birthday was the next day. And by
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: this stage we'd been in this limbo land for three months,
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: and I had been raising my child alone for three months.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: And I said to him, if you walk out the door,
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: I'm going to pack my bags and James's bags and
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: we're going to go back to our hometown and stay
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: with my parents. And he said, do it. So that's
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: what I did. Essentially, we fled early domestic violence. And
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: you know, I got home and this was the first
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: time that I had told my family what was going on.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: A few people had started to notice things were changing
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: because I went off social media. I was really thin.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: But now I've gone back to my countrytown with my
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: son in tow and country people will get it. You
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: only go home with your child without your husband if
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: something drastic's happening. So I thought he was having a crisis.
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: I thought that he was regretting getting married so early,
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: and I thought that he wasn't handling the demands of
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: being a parent, which also I couldn't understand because I
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: was doing everything, and I had done everything from the
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: get go. So then I started to think, is at me?
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Am I putting too much pressure on him? Am I
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: not intimate enough with him? Am I not giving him
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: enough attention? Am I giving too much attention to the child?
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: Because we all know that I struggled at the beginning
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: and my priorities in life changed drastically, which they do
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: as a mother. That's normal. What's not normal is to
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: do it all by yourself with no support. And I
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: was not getting any support from him. But I had
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: accepted that, and I had watched relationships around me and
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: seen how other dads were acting, and they weren't out
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: on a golf course, and they weren't out drinking until
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: five am. They were super invested, they were super helpful,
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: and they just accepted that this was the season they
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: were in. And I would voice this to my husband,
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: who would just tell me that comparison is the thief
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: of joy, which within reason, absolutely, But you know, I'm
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: not asking for too much. I'm asking you to come
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: to swimming lessons on a Sunday morning, but you're too
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: hungover to come and do that. Like I said at
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: the beginning of the story, where super into fitness. He
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: was a semi professional athlete. Drinking was not something that
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: we did often. He would have the odd night out
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: with friends, and when he was drinking, he would go
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: all out, but it was rare. It was not common.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: And so hence, when this all unraveled and he started
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: drinking six out of seven days of the week, I've
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: flagged it with his parents immediately because I'm thinking there
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: is something so wrong here. We not be drinkers and
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: it's not really party season. At September, football season had finished,
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: so he could definitely drink more, but this was still
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: completely out of the blue and something that was really
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: out of his character and something that was really unhealthy.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: And you know, as an athlete, which he is, his
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: personality is a tight so he can get hooked on
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: it anything. And you know, it was by about three
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: months in that my friend started telling me, I think
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: we really need to sit down and talk to him
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: about drug use and see if that's involved. I was
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: in complete denial, and I said, there is no way
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: he's using drugs because I am very anti drugs. It's
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: a deal breaker for me. And he knew that our
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: whole relationship and the football scene, whether people admitted or not,
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: is heavy on drugs, and he would always tell me
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: and swear black and blue that he'd never touch them,
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: and I believe him. I took his word as gospel.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: My youngest sister said to me, Amy, I have seen
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: him in a bathroom snorting lines before. It's more common
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: than what you think, and you really need to not
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: be naive here. So I have then gone, Okay, maybe
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: he's dabbled in drugs. I need to ask him now.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: Within this time period, we've gone three months of hell,
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: but within that time there would be some good days
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: where he would be in a good mood and he
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: would actually engage in conversation, and when this would happen,
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: my body would just go, oh, thank god, here is
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: his back. We can talk. And on one of those
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: good days, I said to him, are you using drugs?
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: And he said no, no, Amy, I've never touched drugs
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: ever before in my life. And I just kind of
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: sat there and I said, well, that's not what i've heard.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: I've heard that you've definitely doubled. And then that sent
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: him spiraling. He was furious and livid with me, but
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: continued to deny drug use. So then I've fled to
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: my hometown to stay with my parents, and everyone's talking.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: The town is talking, and that talk is getting back
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: to Sam. And then I'm copying it on message. Why
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: is everyone asking me what's happening? Why is everyone saying
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: we've split up? You need to come home? Oh, straight away.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: I'm in the car and I'm driving home. Get home.
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: He walks in the door after work hysterically crying. I've
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: seen my husband cry maybe once in at this stage
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: twelve years, and I just said to him, what is
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: going on? What is happening? And he just kept saying,
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know what's happening. I don't
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: know what's happening. And then, you know, we went to
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: bed that night, and the next day I tried to
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: have another conversation with him. He was giving me minimal
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: information and he went out again. So I did the
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: same thing I did all those years ago, and I
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: logged into his social media. And when I logged into
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: his social media, I found multiple things, the first being
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: drug buying and selling. And in addition to that, I
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: found multiple messages to multiple women. Nothing that was super
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: untoward except for phone calls that were two hours long
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: with his assistant. And by this stage, I'm thinking, okay,
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: so he's definitely having an affair and he's definitely using drugs.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: So he's lied to me about two things. And I
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: had sent him a message immediately and said I know
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: about the affair, I know about the drug use, and
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: you need to come home and we need to have
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: a conversation. And he didn't want to come home, and
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: in fact, he didn't come home until six thirty am.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: I absolutely was hysterical, And that was the very first time.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: We're about five months into this shit show by this stage.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: That was the first time he said to me that
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: he was leaving the marriage, and he said, I'm unhappy.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: You don't make me happy. Marrying you and having the
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: child was the biggest regret of my life. Just absolute devastation.
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: I can take myself back to that moment on the
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: floor rocking in a ball, which I had done so
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: many times over that past five months, but this was
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: sheer desperation, and I was just begging him not to
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: do it, begging him because again, five months ago, we're
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: trying for a second baby, and I just don't understand
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: how you can flick a switch that quickly. Do you know?
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: Of all the things he had said to me over
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: that time period, to which the verbal abuse was extreme,
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: it was terrible, and he was saying awful things, but
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: this was just completely different. The rejection from someone you've
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: spent your whole life with is just something that you
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: can't really handle. And I'm begging him not to do it,
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: and he is just laughing at me. So I'm on
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: the floor begging him and he's just laughing and he's
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: saying things like, you are pathetic, this is why I'm
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: leaving here. You're begging for me. Look at you begging
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: for me. I just thought, well, I gave you everything
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: you wanted. You wanted space, I gave you space you
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: wanted time. I gave you time. You wanted to talk.
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I was here to talk. You wanted me out of
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: the house. I left the house. You wanted me back
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: in the house. I came home. So I'm just completely
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: mind blown by this stage. Then he goes out for
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: the day. I'm hysterical. My whole family's over to try
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: and help me. And then I'm like, you need to
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: get out of the house because he doesn't want any
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: of my family in the house and he has completely
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: isolated me from all of my people. Thank goodness that
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: I call and talk because otherwise I would have had
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: no network. And you know, I'm like, he's left me.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: That's it, We're done. He's left me and then goes
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: out on a night out, comes home the next day,
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: tells me how much he loves me and are we
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: trying for a second baby. For the next two weeks,
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: it just went on that cycle of I'm leaving, I'm
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: not leaving, let's have a baby, let's not have a baby,
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: I hate you, I love you, et cetera, et cetera,
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: et cetera. When he would come home and was angry,
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: you know, I would have to run and lock my
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: door and hide in the bedroom because we're so unsafe.
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: James has seen so much by this stage, he's heard
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: so much, and you know, it's just a super unhealthy
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: and unhappy household. He could do no wrong, in my eyes,
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: And that's such an awful place to be in, to
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: be so desperate that someone can be abusing you verbally, physically, emotionally, financially,
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: but they abuse you and they have such control of
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: you that they can do no wrong. And to me,
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: dealing with whatever he was going through and me copying
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: the wrath of that, that was fine. If it meant
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: that our family was going to be together, I would
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: have let him do this for the next ten years.
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: That's where my mindset was at, and that's what an
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: abusive relationship looks like. I had people around me saying,
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: walk out the door, change the locks, don't let him
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: come home, and I just kept saying to them, you
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: don't understand. This isn't him, this is not him, and
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: they were saying, this is him. He's showing you the
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: real hymn, and no you don't know him, and it
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: would cause so much thanks between me, my friends, and
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: my family because they were just riding the waves with me.
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: One minute we're in love, one minute he hates me.
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: One minute I'm devastated, one minute we're okay, one minute
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: I'm answering the phone, one minute I'm not. It's just
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: hell for everyone involved.
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: But then it escalated even more when finances became involved.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: Whilst we're at home with my parents, I check our
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: bank account because we had a bill come in and
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: I noticed that there was a large sum of money
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: withdrawn from the bank account, and I tried to ask
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: him about it straight away, because I think as soon
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: as money's involved, especially given I'm a stay at home mum,
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: then this is really starting to escalate to a dangerous place.
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: He told me that it was withdrawn to buy a
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: bike and that it was nothing to worry about. I
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: just kind of was like, that's fine. I'm glad you've
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: got a bike. If he's going to take up cycling
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: for his own time, that's fine. Then you know. I
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: made it a habit of checking the bank account daily
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: and every second day, three grand here, three grand here,
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: four grand here, and it got to the point where
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: our bank account was almost in negatives, and then he
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: started withdrawing off our home loan. I would ask him
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: every time he'd make a withdraw, I would ask him
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: what he was withdrawing for, and he would just ignore
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: the question, so I would have no answer, and he
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: would tell me not to worry about the finances. He
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: was the one working, it was his money, and that
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: there was always going to be enough money for us
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: to survive, and the mortgage was always paid, so I
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: just didn't need to worry about it. By this stage,
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: my parents have dragged me into the local lawyer in
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: town and they're asking for advice. And I am screaming
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: hysterically at my parents because I'm telling them I'm not
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: getting divorced. There's nothing wrong here, there's nothing happening. Complete denial.
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: This poor lawyer is looking at me like this girl,
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: this silly girl. The lawyer is telling me things like
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: you need to withdraw money, you need to protect yourself,
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: you need to put a two to sign on the
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: home loan, and you know all things that I was
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: then telling my parents that I was doing, but I
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: absolutely was not, because if I'm taking money from the
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: bank account too. That's going to make him even more angry.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: If I make him even more angry, then he's definitely
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: going to leave me. Then I'm definitely not going to
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: have my family. So I was just telling everyone what
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: they wanted to hear.
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: But Amy isn't stupid. She wasn't going to let him
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: get away with treating her this way, so she decided
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: to get to the bottom of it herself.
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: He was withdrawing all of this money, and I didn't
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: know what he was using the money for. And you know,
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: after a few withdrawals, I kind of started to realize
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: that he was doing it so that there was no
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: paper trail. I couldn't find where he was, couldn't see
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: what he was doing. And so I started to take
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: things into my own hands and thought, well, I'll investigate.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: If you're not going to tell me what you're doing,
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: I'll find out what you're doing. And one night I
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: open up Facebook and Instagram is linked, so jackpot, I
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: had both right in front of me, and I felt
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: sick doing it, because no one wants to go through
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: somebody else's things, But I just had no idea what
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: was happening. And I spent hours going through messages. There
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: was messages to other women, there was messages to drug
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: dealers to buy drugs, there was messages from people to
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: buy drugs off him, and there was a common theme
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: that it was all people he worked with, so no
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: one that we knew from our life. This was his
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: new work life, which I was never a part of.
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: And then I opened up a message, saw the name.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: Recognize the name, it's his assistant and there is video
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: calls over messenger two hours long, multiple times a week.
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: I tried ringing him, and I tried ringing him so
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: many times because I'm hysterical. I've just found out everything
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: that I kind of already knew that was happening. And
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: I will never forget this because I was just completely inconsolable.
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: He sent me a message and said I can't do
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: this anymore, enjoy life with our son, and then turned
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: off his phone. It's like three am in the morning,
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: and I have rung him about two hundred times once
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: he's turned his phone off because I now think that
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: he's going to do something that's going to harm himself.
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: Rang his parents again three o'clock in the morning and
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: said something's really wrong. They've told me that I just
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: need to just kind of sit. I've tried to get
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: someone to the house so that I can drive and
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: find him. I'm hysterical. Then I get a message at
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: six point thirty what have you done? And he came
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: home and we sat down in the playroom and our
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: son was playing with his toys. There was no yelling
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: for the first time, and I just said, are you
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: having an affair? And he denied it black and blue. No, Nope,
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: not having an affair. She's with someone I work with.
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: They're happy together. I'm definitely not having an affair. She's
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: helping me. She's helping me through what I'm going through.
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: And I said, why don't you talk to me. I
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: can help you through what you're going through. And he said,
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: I can't talk to you. I don't want to talk
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: to you. It's toxic. We're toxic. Then he got up
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: and he started packing a bag, and I just was hysterical.
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: My heart broke into a moon pieces because I knew
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: that once he walked out that door, that was it.
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: He was never coming back. And that's exactly what he did.
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: Packed his bags, walked outdoor. I called my sisters, my
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: sisters and I extremely close, and they had riven the
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: waves and they all knew that it was coming. It
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: was me who didn't think that it was coming, and
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: they came over and tried to help. But the only
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: way that I can explain it is that I was
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: watching myself. It was like an out of body experience,
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: like I was outside of my body watching myself in autopilot.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: My son was looked after, and he was careful, and
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: I always had food on the table for him. He
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: was in routine. But I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping. I
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: was just crying all day every day, ringing people, crying,
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: and I just thought he was coming home, and I
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: would send him ten thousand messages a day, begging him,
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: you know, to come home and be with his family,
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: and he would just get increasingly angrier and angrier that
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: I was contacting him. Yeah, so I tried to go
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: no contact, and then that's when I got a message
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: from my friend's mum of him and his new girlfriend
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: on Rottnest Island in Perth, a week after he left
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: the assistant, so they were both home in affair together.
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: I straightway spiraled out of control and I tried ringing
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: my husband multiple times, and he just wasn't answering, and
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: I said, I knew it. I knew that you were
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: with her. I knew you were with her. I'm going
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: to send this photo to her boyfriend, who they both
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: worked with. They all worked for the same company. And
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: he said, don't you dare send that photo. You look
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: like an idiot. You're ruining my career. You're ruining my
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: reputation if you do that. And I said, he has
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: a right to know. It was almost like a relief
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: that I finally knew what was happening. I knew that
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: he was using drugs, and that was confirmed because his
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: personality had changed so much, So at least I felt
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: better about the instant snapping personality. And then finally I
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: found out about the affair. So I'm like, okay, well
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: now we know why he's left his family. Because the
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: grass is greenery, he's got a better option. He rings
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: me at lunchtime and says, I'm on my way now.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: He has never come home before five o'clock ever in
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: our whole entire marriage, and it's lunchtime. I'm thinking, this
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: is weird. I wasn't really prepared for it, but I'm
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: like whatever, and he comes flying in the door and
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: straight away I'm like, oh dear, this is not good.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: He is completely heightened and this is a version of
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: him that I have not seen. There was steam coming
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: from his ears. And I'm sitting on the lounge and
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: our son is playing, and he's just screaming at me,
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: Are you happy? Are you happy? I am the talk
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: of the town at work. Are you happy? And I
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm not happy at all. I'm devastated. I
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: have no idea what's going on. I don't know who
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: you are. And I'm just sitting there crying. And he
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: has just screamed at me for a whole hour, and
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: within in that hour, he's saying things like, how do
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: you expect us to be a family when you do
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: things like this? And then I'd say, oh, okay, so
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: you are coming back. No, I'm not coming back. Look
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: at you. I want nothing to do with you. All
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: in the one conversation, so erratic, so completely unhinged, all
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: the while our almost two year old is sitting on
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: the floor playing with his toys. And then it just
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: gets to the point we're at the hour mark and
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: it's screaming, I know that the neighbors are all listening.
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: I'm humiliated, and I just said to him, you need
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: to get out. I can't do it anymore. Get out.
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: And he's saying to me, laughing at me, and he's saying,
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: you can't tell me to get out of my own house.
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: I pay the mortgage. And then he picks up my
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: phone and he's saying, is all the evidence on here?
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: Is this way? You've got everything is this way, You've
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: got screenshots of everything, and he's waving my phone around
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: and in other altercations, he'd already broken two of my phones,
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: and he's taking it over to the sink, trying to
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: run water over it. So this is all happening in
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: front of the baby. I'm running over. I'm trying to
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: get my phone, and he pushes me out of the way,
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: and you know, forty kilos traumatized, nothing of me flung
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: right back into the wall. And then so I'm like,
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: what can I do here? I'm really scared. He's very manic.
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: I don't know if he's on a come down. I
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: don't know what's happening survival mode. So I go and
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: open the front door so that the neighbors can hear,
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: and then he goes into the bedroom, you know, throws
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: me onto the bed, and that's when there was a
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: physical altercation. That's when you know, fight or flight kicks in.
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: In my mind, this man is now a monster. I
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: don't know who he is, and I need to get
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: him out of my space. So I have taken his clothes,
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: remembering that he's all based around reputation, I've grabbed clothes
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: out of the wardrobe and I've just started throwing him
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: out the front because I'm thinking, if he knows that
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: neighbors are seeing this, he will get in the car
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: and driveway. So we probably looked insane, but I was
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: throwing clothes out, he was picking them up, trying to
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: throw them back in, and I was screaming for help
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: down the street. And you know, then as soon as
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: I started screaming for help, he just got in the car,
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: picked up all his clothes that were on the driveway,
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: put them in the car, and sped off. And within
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: you know, five minutes, I had the whole street in
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: my house, and then within an hour I had twenty
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: family in the house. The neighbors by this stage had
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: caught the police. My parents had come from the country
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: must his siblings had all come. I was just completely
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: distraught on the floor, and then the police arrived, and
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: you know, they encouraged me to press charges. And again
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: in my mind, this is the love of my life,
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: who could do no wrong. So I'm sitting there, you know,
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: with visible damage, still thinking that he was going to
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: come back, and then had to go to court the
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: next day with my two year old in tow two
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: get some form of protection on us. And that's when
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: I actually finally realized that it was probably done forever.
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: The judge was very firm that the restraining order would
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: only protect me. The restraining order would not protect our
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: child because they are very firm on both parents having
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: access to the child. So I said, I completely understand
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: what you're saying. I don't think he's safe in his care,
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: but if he contacts me about the child, I will
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: absolutely reply. So essentially our contact was only to be
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: about the child and about the property, and we went
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: probably a period of six weeks with zero communication. I'm
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: now back at work trying to survive. I'm actually working
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: in the country at my parents' house, but going between
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: both homes trying to maintain the property. It was essential
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: to me that I kept the house. I'm a single mother.
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: I would never own property again. It was essential that
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: I kept a roof over my son's head. And you know,
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: I'm just getting through the days. I'm only working two
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: days a week because that's all that I can cope
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: with mentally, and everyone is helping me. I haven't heard
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: from him. Then we both get gastro and parenting alone
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: is hard at the best of times, parenting with gastro
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: alone is a completely different ballgame. I was having to
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: leave piles of vomit on the floor and just deal
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: with them at a later date. You know, we were
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: just so sick, and I thought, if ever he's going
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: to be a human, this is probably the time. So
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: I messaged It was me that broke no contact, and
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: I said, we are so sick, and I knew that
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: he was living a kilometer away with his parents, so
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: we are so unwell. Can you please drop supplies to
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: the house, And he straightway refused because of the vro,
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: which I do understand. I understand. I didn't want to
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: see him. I just wanted them dropped, but again I thought, okay,
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: no heart there, and then he checked in the next day,
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: how are you, And I said, We're still very unwell.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: And then because we're in contact and it's pleasant, you know,
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: it's not how our communication normally is, but it was pleasant.
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: I've straight away gone back into the cycle of thinking, Okay,
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: maybe he's finally sorting himself out and he'll come back.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: That never happened, and six months went by and he
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: hadn't seen our son in six months. In that time,
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: he had been on an America trip for six weeks
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: with his new family, which was his new girlfriend and
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: her entire family, siblings, parents, everyone. He would pop up
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: and ask to FaceTime and I would facilitate that, and
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: then it got to a point where he wanted to
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: see him. So our lawyers agreed on three hours supervised
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: visits every Saturday. I can count on two hands how
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: often that happened. They were supervised by his parents, and
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: I was always waiting in ankst to see if he
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: was going to show up or not, and more often
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: than not, it just didn't go ahead. So they probably
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: had maybe eight visits across the whole year, never anything
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: longer than three hours. Now, I am very firm on
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: the fact that I did not keep the child from him.
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: He had access to him every Saturday, and if he
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: wanted extra time, all that he needed to do was
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: a drug test. Throughout the entire year, I copped it
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: from him big time about keeping the child from him,
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: and his perception on reality is just so warped and
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: abuse is such a funny thing. It never stops. It's ongoing,
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: and unfortunately, because we have a connection for life, I
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: will probably have to deal with this forever, and it's
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: something that I will never heal from, and it's just
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: something that I need to learn to move through a
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: little bit easier. I don't think that I'll ever be healed.
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: And him screaming at me every time we have to communicate,
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: I don't think he's ever going to end. So I'm
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: just trying to minimize the effect of that on me
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: by distancing myself as much as possible. The week of Christmas,
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: I was completely burnt out and had an epiphany that
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: he needs to be involved for two reasons. I do
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: not want my son to resent me for not having
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: a relationship with his father, and feel it's important that
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: he figures this out for himself within reason as long
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: as he's safe. So I did reach out to him,
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: and I asked him to be involved and perhaps worked
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: towards every second weekend, and that was not received well.
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: He was very mad at me for expecting him to
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: now be a parent, and they were the words that
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: came out of his mouth. I've got use to living
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: my life without a child. You can't expect me now
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: to be a parent. And I struggled with that because
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: I'm looking at the child who looks like a dead
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: ringer of him and is the most divine human being
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: in the whole world. Despite all the adversity and the
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: trauma that his witnessed and been through, is still the
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: sweetest boy in the whole entire world. I can't fathom
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: why somebody wouldn't want something to do with him. So
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: essentially we're in limboland again. I don't know if he's
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: going to be involved. We can't have a conversation. Our
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: last conversation was just as toxic as the one when
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: he left with the restraining order. There is no way
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: to get through to him, and there's no way to
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: explain to him what he has done has hurt people
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: because he doesn't understand that, and he's just running from
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: all of his issues. It was a flick of a switch.
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: That's why it's so traumatic. There is no way for
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: me to understand what he has done, and I have
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: done intensive therapy to try and understand why he did
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: what he did, and also therapy on me, trying to
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: train my brain to think this was not your fault.
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: He didn't do these things because of you. He's done
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: these things because he's extremely unhappy within himself. And although
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: I can reason with that now, as soon as we
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: are in contact and he is telling me that I
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: am the most horrible person in the world, and that
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: I'm a terrible mother and that nobody loves me. Immediately,
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: that's what I think, because that's the pool he has
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: on me. So I wish that we could just completely
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: walk away and start again and me never have to
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: talk to him again. But that's not in the best
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: interests of the child, and that's at the forefront of
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: my mind. So I will always continue to try and
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: have some form of relationship with him for the benefit
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: of our son. It's so hard to think that for
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: the next fifteen sixteen years I have to communicate with
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: somebody who inevitably acts like he hates me. And you know,
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: I don't hate him. I will always love him. I
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: just don't love this version of him. I love the
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: man that I met in high school and the man
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: that I said yes to and the man that I
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: married in front of all of our closest people. I
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: love him, and I mourn him every single day. It's
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: like he's died, and that is something that I have
• 55:33
  Speaker 1: to really work hard on. And then the PTSD around
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: his instant change and his behaviors is something else that
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: I have to work on. But I have no choice
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: because I have a child. So whilst there are days
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: where I look at our son and think it would
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: be so much easier if you weren't here, because then
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: I don't have to be here, I do have to
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: be here. There's no other option. They are identical. It's
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: really hard. It's only now because we haven't seen each
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: other in a year. It's only now that I can
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: kind of look at our son and not instantly see
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: my husband. But they are identical in every way. They
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: look identical, and every single person that I see tells
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: me straight away how much he looks like his dad.
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: And then also on top of that, like when he
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: asked to see photos of Mommy and Daddy. I show
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: him because he needs to know that he was born
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: into love and that he looks like someone, and he
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: needs to know who Dad is. It was never in
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: my intention to cause such a rift between the two
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: of us that impacted him, But you know, I just
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: put measures in place for his safety, and I stand
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: by that that was the right thing to do. And
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: it's only now that he's a little bit older that
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: I can kind of let our guard down a little
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: bit and hopefully they can have some form of relationship.
• 56:58
  Speaker 2: But whether that happens or not, Amy has big plans
• 57:01
  Speaker 2: for loving and fulfilling life for herself and for little James.
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: I just want him to grow to be a emotionally
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: diligent man who treats others with kindness and respect. It's
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: all I want. I know that we don't need much.
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: I know that it might just be him and I
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: for a long while, and so long as he is
• 57:25
  Speaker 1: happy and healthy and is a kind human being, then
• 57:29
  Speaker 1: I've done my job as a mum. I would love
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: to meet the right person for me. Am I looking
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: for it. No, if it finds me great, do I
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: deserve it? Yes? Of course, is it a lot for
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: someone to take on trauma child. Yes, will someone do it?
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: Who knows. I'm working full time now, so we're just
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: navigating full time daycare, full time work. Work's been good.
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: It's been good to go back to work. I have
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: a purpose other than being a mum. It's an outlet.
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: I love what I do. You know, it took us
• 58:04
  Speaker 1: a while to adjust to daycare, but now we're both happy.
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: And you know, I am a completely person. I am
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: outspoken in a good way. I am outgoing. I do things.
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: I book the babysitter, I go to girls cocktails. You know,
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: we do things. It's what we needed to do. So
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: that's how you heal. You just keep moving. If I
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: can help one person get out of DV, then I've
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: done my job because I should have left immediately in
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: the first week. And it stems from you know, it's
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: not just oh it's verbal abuse. No, that is abuse.
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: Abuse is abuse, and we don't need to put up
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: with any of that. If someone is treating you poorly,
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: then you need to call them out on that. And
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: if you are unsafe, you need to get out of there.
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: Abuse isn't just physical, and often it starts with the
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: verbal abuse, and that is a spectrum. Doesn't matter where
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: it begins, it will inevitably end up at the same point.
• 59:10
  Speaker 1: And people still art with verbal abuse and think that
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: they can get away with that. No, that is abuse,
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: that is illegal, it's against the law, and there is
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: things that can be put in place to help you.
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: I'm obviously not glad that the domestic violence side of
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: things happen. If he had have told me a year
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: ago that I would be a homeowner, that I would
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: be working full time, that I would have been on
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: a few dates, that I would have been on a
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: holiday with my son, that we would laugh as much
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: as we cry, I would have just told you, there's
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: no way. I think that it's been an important learning
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: curve at taking people for what they actually are, and
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: that always seeing the best in people is not always
• 59:55
  Speaker 1: a good thing. I would not be as strong minded
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: as what I am now. You know if I can
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: tell you how many people have told me it's character building,
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: and I always say the same thing in response, I
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: have enough character. I don't need any more character. But
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: I am glad it's happened because now hopefully I can
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: help people.
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 2: Everyone has an X is a Mintimedia Production and proudly
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 2: part of the Muma Mea Network. It's written and narrated
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 2: by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott. If
• 1:00:40
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