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Transparency Tuesday · Black Girl Interrupted Podcast

0:11
Black Girl is a rusty. Y'all already know how it's got its erupty,
0:27
y'all already know how he's got black Girl in a rusty. What's up,
0:42
y'all? Oh, y'all already know who it is? The sugar Ash.
0:48
Y'all know the creator founder of Black Girl. Interrupt Huh, y'all, welcome
0:58
back to another episode. I gotta breathe through this because I really honestly believe
1:10
like this is the most transparent that I've ever ever ever been on my podcast.
1:18
And I've been doing this way two almost three years maybe, and I
1:23
think it's time made a post yesterday, and I think that again. You
1:38
know, y'all know that I'm always transparent when it comes to doing my show,
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but I've never been as transparent with y'all as I'm about to be the
1:53
night and I'm ready up scary, I'm afraid, but I'm here some things
2:25
that transpired in the last few weeks that I've just come to the realization that
2:35
I have to accept. Oh but y'all already know before I even get started,
2:43
y'all let me know, can y'all hear me? Let me let me
2:45
make sure hold on, wait, some sound a little oh wait, oh,
2:51
hold up, I think I know what it is. All right,
2:54
here we go. All right, that sounds much much much better I had
2:59
to do. I'm adjusted, but uh, quite a few things have transpired
3:07
over the last few weeks that have really started to take a toll on me,
3:15
not only mentally, but emotionally and physically. And I'm tired. I'm
3:22
physically tired, I'm emotionally tired, I'm mentally tired. And the only way
3:28
for me to get back into my my space is I have to release,
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and I have to learn to accept a lot of things for what they really
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truly are, and stop begging people to stay in my life. Uh,
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y'all already know how I get started. Hay, Sissy, I love you
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too, But y'all already know how I get started. Y'all already know I
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do my mental health check ins. Uh, y'all know I've never started a
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show like this where I'm just already emotionally drained or already emotionally charged. Now,
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I've never started to show this way. But no time like the president,
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no time like me to finally let go of the trauma, even if
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that means separating myself from people permanently, as harder it is as it is
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for me to do. I have to take back my control. I have
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to take back my power that I've allowed so many people to have over me.
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I have to take care of my mental because it's only one me,
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and for the first time in my life, I have to accept things for
5:00
how they are. I don't know, y'all. My Internet, like exupinity,
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has really been tripping over here. But I really have to take responsibility
5:15
and just love people where they are. I have to meet people where they
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are and accept that they don't want to be in my life and I'm okay
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with that. Does they hurt, absolutely, but I have to let go.
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So y'all already know before I get started, I have to do my
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mental health check ins. I need to know how everyone's feeling. Today is
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Tuesday. I've labeled this transparency Tuesday because this is my moment. This is
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my time for me to be as transparent as I can be. So before
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we even get started, y'all already you know I don't know what's going on
6:06
with this. Hold up, y'all wait, just all right, we should
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be good now. I think that's better. I had to move some things
6:20
around. But see, that's the devil. The devil is not wanting me.
6:33
He's not wanting me to share my story because he keeps disconnecting my microphone.
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My internet is going in and out. But you know what, God
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got me, and that's all that matters to me right now is God.
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God has me, and I'm ready. So before we even get started,
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let's do our mental health checkens. I need to know how everyone is feeling.
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Today is Tuesday, this is a start of a brand new week.
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I hope everyone's feeling good. I hope you guys are feeling good mentally.
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I hope you guys are feeling good emotionally. I hope you guys are feeling
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good physically, spiritually. I hope you guys are in a beautiful space table.
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I love you too, I do, I promise I do. Y'all
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don't understand, like, y'all really just do not understand. Like my microphone
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keeps disconnecting, and that's because the devil. I'm telling he's busy. Oh
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he is busy. This devil is so busy. Right now, I'm telling
7:39
you my microphone keeps getting disconnected. But we're gonna were gonna work through it.
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I promise you, baby. I can't wait till Friday. The today
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is gonna this week is gonna be a really short week for me because I
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did take a couple of mental health days off. I did, I took,
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I took two days off. I'm sorry to go back to work tomorrow,
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but I needed that time. I needed this time too. I needed
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to mentally rest. I needed to mentally reset because I have to show up
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for me. I have three children who really, honestly just don't even understand
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how they keep me going. Look at that. I'm telling you my microphone,
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it just keeps disconnecting. I'm telling you, I'm over this, all
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right, goodness, I'm over this. But I'm I'm I'm gonna do this
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show tonight. Like I don't even care what what the devil has. I'm
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telling you, he's trying me. He's testing me. Oh Lord, have
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mercy come home. Five four three two one. Let me let me breathe
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through this. But I'm gonna do all of this, I promise you.
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Antalist says she can't wait till Friday. She say the devil is always busy,
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or trust me, I know because he got the best of me this
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weekend, and I let him. Javert says, I'm doing the best I
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can. But I'm pushing through. I know because I text you Saturday.
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Hey Dre, Hey Baba, how you doing. It's good to see you.
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Uh, but let let's get this done. So let's jump into it.
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I always, like I said, before I start any show, y'all
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know, I always have to play something motivational, something inspirational, because I
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always have to keep you encouraged. I always have to keep y'all empowered.
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Even when my energy is low, I still have to stop and I still
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have to find the time to pour into people. I still have to find
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the time to love on people because love is what us me going. That's
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what keeps me going. I'm telling you this this hill Jewel says, you
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got this system. Yeah, if this, if this, if my microphone
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stops disconnecting, I could have everything. But I guess anytime you try to
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get up here and you try to give some type of positive you're trying to
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push our positivity, the devil always tries to come to come in and take
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it away. He always comes to seek kill and destroy. H But here
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we go again. Tonight is transparency Tuesday tonight, I'm gonna be very transparent.
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I'm gonna let y'all know what's really been going on with me? What
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calls me to explode? I don't know. I don't I don't know what's
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going on with this. This is I'm over this. My microphone just it
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just keeps disconnecting. H Let me see if this one is, if this
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way is gonna work? Huh. Y'all know, I have never had a
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show like this. Why I've had this many technical difficulties, Baby, I'm
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telling he working on me. He really, all right. So before we
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even jump into the conversation, and I do want to play a video that
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I did come across. Y'all know, I always play something motivational. I
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always play something inspirational, something uplifting, something empowering. I always play something
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like that. But I definitely definitely definitely put this encourages and empower with somebody.
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So here we go. Listen to me. Man, you have a
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great life in front of you, but your great life is in front of
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you. It's not behind you. What you did back there ain't got nothing
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to do with what God got for you. What you did back dad was
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learned the lessons to get you the where you are at this particular moment right
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here. But what God got for you? Do you know, man,
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that you can actually mess your life completely up? You can jack it all
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the way up, and you can turn around and get it right. Do
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you understand that? Do you understand that you could have had a baby out
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of wedlock and still be all right? Do you know that you can be
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divorced multiple times and still be okay? Do you understand that you cannot have
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a degree and still be just fine? You don't know how I know,
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cause I'm telling you what I know. I lost everything twice. I don't
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know if you've ever lost everything before, but I've been bottomed out twice.
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I haven't seen rock bottom two times. I've been through some walls up in
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here. Man. I'm just trying to tell you, man, God is
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really with you. You ain't gotta believe me. You ain't gotta believe me,
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But keep doing it without God. Let me know how I work for
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you. A matter of fact, write a book on how to make it
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without God? Because I want to. I want to read it. I
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want to read the first page, and then I want to read the last
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page because they ain't gonna be with two. You can jack your life all
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the way up. God is in the forgiving business. You can make all
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the mistakes you wanna make or think you shouldn't make. God is in to
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get it together business. If you got dreams and visions, I got news
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for you. God is in to make your dream come true. Business.
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He did it for me. How I won't do it for you. A
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lot of y'all better than me. I'm just gonna flat. I'll tell you
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you ain't. Most of y'all ain't done what I had to do to get
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to where I am today. You just ain't had to do this type of
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dirt. You ain't been homeless, so what you you ain't? You ain't
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had to scrap like me. Most of y'all didn't come from You're not old
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as me. I've overcome it all because I have relationship with Him. And
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you can listen to me and tell that I'm not a perfect person. I
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am not a perfect Christian. I have my flaws. I am a flawed
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human being. But guess what you are too. You ain't got it all
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together. I dare you to say you do. I make a lot of
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money man. But guess what, I ain't got it all together. I'm
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hurting. I'm hurting. Man. Everybody tripping through something. Everybody. I
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don't care who you are, you're going through something. But if you've got
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God, you can make it. I'm just telling you this little piece of
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information. I don't see most of y'all most of the time. So you're
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sitting here. You're kind of looking at me a little bit odd? Why
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Steve talking like this though? I'm just trying to put you put your own
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game, because let me tell all, y'all want to be successful and you
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want to be happy. But you gotta get there. It's a short cut
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to getting there. The short cut to getting as the relationship with God.
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If you try it without it, you're gonna fail miserably. You're gonna sink.
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Man. It's gonna be ugly for you. Now, this is what
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you gotta do. Identify your gift and get busy with it. God gave
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all of you a gift. Identify your gift. It is the thing that
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you do the absolute best with the least amount of effort. That's your gift.
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Get busy at that. If it's drawing, if it's teaching, if
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he's sharing, if it's caregiving. He put that gift inside of you.
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He didn't hide and under rock or put it under the mountain or put it
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on the mountain somewhere. He put the gift in you. And you look
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at me any kind of way you want to what I'm just telling you,
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it's real. That's how you become successful. Identify your God given gift,
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what he gave you at birth. If you do that, God will open
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up the windows of heaven and pull out a blessing that you won't have room
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enough to receive. I am telling you that is a fact. I don't
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think y'all know how many times I've watched that video and really grasped the concept
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that God really does happen. I don't think I would really be sitting here
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to there if they weren't for him. I've had a troubled childhood. I
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did. Was never really close with my mom, was never really close with
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my dad. My dad was not very active in my life, but I
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beg for him to be in my life even when he didn't. And in
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the midst of that, I called I don't know what's going I'm telling y'all
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my mic just keeps going in and out. But I'm gonna push through.
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Let me see if that's gonna help. I don't know what's going on,
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but but let me get through the comments first. Jules says, Satan be
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busy. Yeah he does. Hey, wait a minute, y'all hold long.
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I may have to do it without this mic tonight. I don't know,
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but for something, it just I've never had this many problems. But
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anyway, but my father was never active in my life. T shas she
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sends me hearts and diamonds, I love you, just without this Mike,
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I don't know what. I'm just going to figure out, y'all. Let
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me know if y'all can hear me, let me know, can y'all hear
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me? Let me know if y'all can still hear me. Maybe it'll work
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this way, I don't know. Maybe it'll stop cutting out on me.
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I don't know, but so black Girl interrupt the since black Girl interrupt the
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started, y'all, let me know if y'all can hear me, Please let
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me know, can y'all hear me? I try to change it around,
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But I begged and begged and begged and begged for a relationship with my father
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for many years, to the point where it calls a great deal of strife
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between me and my mom. And this went on for many years, to
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the point where out of the house, I was still feeling I hated my
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mom because I loved my dad, and in my eyes, that man could
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do nothing wrong. Everything he told me I believe. He told me my
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mom didn't want us to have a relationship, and he would send money to
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me, but my mom was spending the money, and I believe this.
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So when all of that, I grew a great deal of resentment for her,
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and that went on till I was about sixteen. She sent me to
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California to go live with him. There was nothing more I could do with
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you. You wanted to be with him. I'm saying you to stay with
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him. She sent me to stay with my dad. I was angry at
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her, but I was excited because I finally get give you my daddy after
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years of begging. I get to California. I get adjusted into my new
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school. You know, I'm running track, but I'm homestick at the same
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time because I don't have any friends. So I get in and I started
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meeting people until one day my father came home. Well, I came home
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from school and my father said, ashually, come in here for me,
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Come come in here right now. My father beat me for the fifteen twenty
23:21
minutes and then left and went to work like nothing. So I called my
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mom after he was gone, and I told him what happened. As she
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said, as she said, you take as much stuff as you can when
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you go to school the next day, and you called me and you let
23:57
me know what time here flight Lansing used to. So I said, okay,
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I get up. The next day, I go to school because I
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didn't see my dad was gone. I didn't I in the mornings, but
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I didn't like So I get to school. I'm bruised all on the back
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of my arms, my legs, my back. I couldn't sit, so
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I went to the nurse. Police were called, CPS got called the police
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are taking me to fall I'll get her, I'll take her. And we
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begged until finally the social workers said, okay. My mom flew in the
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next day and that was the very first time I ever see my mom cry,
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and I think that was the day that changed her because she blamed herself.
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We go to court. I come back to Houston, but I'm still
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begging for a relationship with this man that just had literally beaten days before.
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I come back home and I'm worse than ever. I'm out of control.
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I'm wanting to do my own thing, still begging, calling my daddy and
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mine job. This man just literally beat the hell out of me, but
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I still wanted it. Me and my mom, I don't think we would
26:26
ever. We we've never recovered from that. I was very disrespectful child,
26:33
very disrespectful, and it got worse since I got older, the anger,
26:48
the I'm grieving, the loss of this relationship with my dad. I'm fight
27:00
mean with my mom. I move out, I leave, I don't.
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I no longer wanted to be in our house by this time, you know,
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I'm eighteen, nineteen years old, smelling myself. I leave, and
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I wind up in a very abusive relationship from the time I was seventeen till
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I was twenty one, to the point this man through boiling water only and
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I still wanted to be with this man because I was searching. I wanted
27:57
to be loved by by a man. So because I wasn't getting it from
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my dad, but mine y'all. My mother, it's still helping me through
28:08
all of it. I get out of that situation, I go home,
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I recover. Then I get pregnant with my son. One of the happiest
28:30
days in my life. I had my son. But I didn't want to
28:41
be a mom. I wanted the party, I wanted the club. I
28:48
wanted to be in the streets. I love the title of mom, but
28:52
I wasn't ready to be a mom because I felt like I had to play
28:56
catch up because in the midst of the time I'm in this relationship from that
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from age seventeen to twenty one, I didn't go and do what teenagers did.
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At seventeen eighteen, I got kicked out of school. I got I
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failed out of college, trying to figure out what the hell I want to
29:22
do. Then I get pregnant. My mom is still there. We were
29:30
good for a little while. I get pregnant with baby number two, my
29:37
daughter, my first daughter. Because I have two, I still want to
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be in the streets. The tension was really mountain between me and my mom
29:57
at this point. It's physical cussing out. She's all kinds of bitches,
30:07
holes everything. That's what I'm doing to my mom, a woman that it
30:11
just saved me. But seven eight years prior, this is what I'm doing
30:19
to her. And no matter what I forgiven, she kept forgiving, she
30:26
kept letting me come back. I leave again. I'm in Atlanta now.
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My mom's taking care of my children because somebody had to get off of this
30:48
ride. I go to Atlanta. Everything's good. I get arrested, not
31:00
once, but twice, two felonies. I'm looking at twenty years now.
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Mind you, my mom is still standing in the midst of the storm with
31:18
me. I'm still angry, still begging for a relationship with my daddy.
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In the midst of all of this, y'all, my mom still comes through.
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Shit still comes through. Been in two thousand and seven, my mother's
31:52
diagnosed with breast cancer. Can you change right? What worse? She let
32:07
me come back home. We fought years after my mother's I had my third
32:17
child, my baby girl. By this time, I'm you know, I'm
32:23
working. My mom's letting me use a car to get to him from work.
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She's still showing up for me, but we're still fighting physically. I'm
32:37
going to jail. I'm angry at her because how could you do that to
32:43
me. Your child, still disrespectful, still cussing out, She's still bitches,
32:52
she still holds. Yeah, the last thing final time I leave,
33:07
I come back to it. Law. My mom told me, she said,
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won't you leave? You can't come back? How could you say that
33:21
to me? I'm a child, But parents get tired too. I leave
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Atlanta, I go to Mississippi. I mean mental abuse of relationship. Now
33:47
what a man and respecting me. I tell my mama all of this.
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You can't come back as you why, she says, Once I got you
34:21
out of mind? Who I had to swallow that pill? And I finally
34:44
buy me a call. I'm begging her now. I got a job lined
34:53
up here in Houston. Mama, you she said, no. Cool.
35:04
So I started making my own plan and stuff I back to Houston. I
35:09
was either gonna sink or swim. I decided to swim because that has sunk
35:21
for too long. Finally things turned around, and I moved back to Houston
35:29
in time to see my son graduated from high school, because that was my
35:31
promise to my children. In the midst of this. My children are seeing
35:39
this, my children are experiencing this, My children are going through this,
35:47
and at one time did I started to think about that. So I get
35:54
back to Houston. I'm in my own place, got job, I bring
36:01
this man with me, a lot of dead weight. Me and my mom
36:15
were cordial at this point, but I'm still really not dealing with her because
36:22
I'm still angry at her because I begged you to let me come back.
36:27
I just needed somewhere to stay for a few months until I was able to
36:30
get my own place. I had a job and everything lined up, you
36:31
know, and that I was going through with this this guy. She told
36:38
me no. So I was devastating because again, how could you do this
36:45
to me? I'm your child, I'm your daughter now, mind you.
36:52
In the midst of all of this, my mom is still showing up for
36:53
me. So I get back to you. I'm here, I'm working,
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I'm in my own place. But I'm ready for my children to be with
37:06
me. But was I really truly ready for my children to be with me?
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I'm in this toxic relationship, a relationship I knew with me. I
37:23
brought a man will for me, but I didn't want to be alone,
37:30
so I settled conversation with my mind. But it always gets heated, I
37:39
get too emotional, I'm screaming, I'm yelling, I'm cousin. I knew
37:45
that. Then after this man leaves twenty nineteen, me and my mother get
37:55
into one final blow up one. But let me back up a little bit,
38:07
because me and my son have gotten into a physical altercation. But I'm
38:17
I'm I'm gonna double back to that one. So me and my mother twenty
38:24
nineteen get into our lab and blow up I want to say twenty eighteen,
38:30
twenty nineteen, and she called a police on me and told the police I
38:38
had jumped on it. I never put my hands on my mama that day.
38:45
Never, Oh yeah I did. She was bitches, she was whole,
38:52
she was everything that day. And I told her on that day it
38:59
was November. I want to say November of twenty eighteen. I want to
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say it is when it was November twenty eighteen, November twenty nineteen, but
39:06
I know it was in November. I told her this was the last time.
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And I told her the next time you called a police on me,
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I'm gonna beat the fun and I'm really gonna go to I said that to
39:22
the very same woman that gave birth to me. That's what I told you.
39:29
I told her I'd beat her down like a hole in the street.
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I told her that. Am I proud of it? No, now that
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I look back new but at that time, yeah I was. And so
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when I got home that night, I was done because I couldn't believe so
39:54
I had told the woman that had given me life that I would beat her
39:58
like a hole in the street. And that was the day I knew I
40:09
had to fix it. I had to fix me. I had to make
40:15
it right, because you don't never tell, regardless of whatever the situation did,
40:23
you never tell the person that gave you life anything like that. Now,
40:30
have I told her I've hated her, Absolutely, I've told her that
40:34
to that magnitude. Absolutely, Have I told her that? Yes, I
40:37
owned that, But I'd never counted her. And I think it was just
40:46
years of frustration, anger, resentment, and me not knowing how to channel
40:55
that anger elsewhere. I had put holes in all walks, Oh, yeah,
41:02
told up stuff in a house. Yeah, I had broke things.
41:07
I was like a Tasmanian devil. I was out of control. But I
41:14
can't blame nobody for that but me. So I started healing my son wrote
41:30
me a letter and basically told me he loved me, but he was embarrassed
41:45
to tell people that I was his mother. Then he was no longer afraid
41:53
to express to me how he felt. My daughter wrote me a lot.
42:07
She pretty much said the same thing. My children gave me an ultimatum,
42:19
you fix yourself when we're done. Some of your don't understand my children.
42:31
I've been my life. Yeah. I wanted to change at that point because
42:44
I hated a person I was becoming. I hate it looking in the mirror
42:54
about ten years ago. You couldn't tell me that. Yeah. So I
43:00
got into therapy. I started peeling everything layer by layer, and the first
43:12
person I needed to address was my father, because in that moment, I
43:19
wasn't mentally ready to talk to my mom. I wasn't mentally ready. I
43:22
wasn't in in a great state of mine to talk to her. So I
43:28
addressed my dad. I addressed my issues with my father and some very very
43:37
difficult questions that I needed answers to. And in that moment, I think
43:51
my father was able to be transparent with me because he told me, he
43:55
said ashually, I wasn't ready to be a thing. He didn't know how
44:04
to be a dad. My father was a womanizing. My father had multiple
44:08
women. My father has had multiple children. He apologized to me for him
44:21
beating me the way that he did when I lived in California with him.
44:28
And I didn't do any of this for anybody. I did it for ash
44:34
because I don't think a lot of people understand what trauma does to you.
44:38
I don't think a lot of people understand what that does to you mentally,
44:43
what it does to you physically. But I begged, and I asked God,
44:49
please fix to me. I wanted to be okay, I wanted to
44:52
be normal, but I knew it was an overnight process. I knew it
44:59
was, and I knew in order for me to get comfortable, God,
45:01
what's gonna have to make me uncomfortable first? And when I tell you,
45:05
that was the most uncomfortable time of my life, it was. And I
45:12
didn't realize how many people around me really truly love me. My mom do
45:15
does love me. I think she does in her own way, but I
45:22
promise you my mom has never been the same since my father beat me and
45:29
my mom my mom just was never the same after that. So I'm in
45:36
therapy, y'all. I'm on my road to recovery. I'm on my road
45:39
to healing. I'm spending time with my children. I made amends with my
45:46
with my dad, but I still have yet to have a conversation. Then
45:58
there goes my sister, who ill I was mean. I said things to
46:14
my sister that my sister didn't deserve. But I felt like my mother resented
46:23
me because of my dad and the things that my dad did to my mom.
46:30
So I hated my sister because I always felt like my mother loved her
46:32
more than me. I always felt like she treated us differently. I felt
46:40
like I was a reminder that every time she looked at my face, she
46:45
saw my dad because I looked just like him, exactly like it. So
46:52
I felt maybe that's why she hated me so much. I don't think it
46:54
was all that I had done. I think it was I was a reminder.
47:04
We're cord you, we're getting along, you talk, But I still
47:09
have yet to sit down and have a conversation with her. Up until a
47:16
few weeks ago, me and my daughter, you get into it. My
47:30
daughter told me she didn't need me saying anything. She's me all over her
47:37
again, So I can't even be mad at her because I took my j
47:42
my children through the same cycle that I took my mom through. So I
47:51
tell her, I'm done with you. That's what I tell my daughter.
47:54
I'm done with you. You get your own insurance, you figure out how
48:00
you're gonna go to school. I'm done. I'm done, but I'm trying.
48:08
But I go back and I tell my daughter this. But prior to
48:19
that, y'all already know. You know, my father passed away, and
48:24
I'm gonna go back to where we are now. So my father passed away.
48:30
We're not speaking at the time. I'm angry at him because my father
48:36
had been in and out of the hospital a couple of times and he's not
48:38
letting anybody know. So I'm angry at it and we don't talk. I
48:47
had an opportunity to call and I didn't, and my father passed away.
48:57
I go do everything I can to bury but I called my mother, the
49:02
one person that I knew, and all she said to me was asking,
49:09
I'm sorry to hear that, no emotion. But I didn't have time to
49:17
deal with that in that moment because I had to get to Alabamatic goal,
49:21
get my dadad get all these funeral arrangements I had to call and notified family,
49:25
all of that. Now I'm dealing with guilt. I come back to
49:37
doing my podcast as an escape, not really dealing with a head on.
49:51
I take a break, a big break from doing something that I love,
49:57
something that I enjoyed, doing something that I just I try to pour all
50:01
of my energy into I'm carrying this. I'm still trying to show up for
50:10
y'all. I'm still trying to love and support y'all. But I'm grieving.
50:15
I'm hurting bad. Then I meet my future husband June twenty twenty one.
50:32
My niece's body has discovered July twenty twenty one. How much more you gotta
50:42
keep it take? March of twenty twenty two, I godmother passes a week,
50:58
the one woman that I can call and talk to about anything. But
51:05
again, y'all, I still have yet to sit down and have a conversation
51:07
with my mother, my brothers, and shambles. But I'm still shore up
51:19
when people need me. I hit rock bottle. The end of twenty twenty
51:27
two. I'm behind on bills at this point. Now I'm on medication.
51:37
I'm on anti depressens because I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat nothing. The
51:45
only person that knew what was going on was my better half, and he
51:53
really tried to be there as much as he could for me, but he
51:55
had his He's had his own. The one woman that I felt like I
52:02
could call and talk to was gone, bording people with my problems, so
52:10
I hold it in. Is now the right time for me to talk to
52:19
my mom? I prolonged it until a couple of weeks ago, me and
52:32
my daughter, my oldest daughter. Let me say that, my oldest daughter,
52:40
we get into it. This is when she says, Oh, I
52:45
don't need you, I don't need anybody I could do this. I'm all
52:49
that hurt because I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to make it right
52:54
with me and you. I want you to know that I'm here whenever you
52:58
need me, I'm here. I'll never do get away. My mother did
53:00
me. So my mother comes in in the midst of a conversation, and
53:10
my mother exchanged words, and then that much needed conversation that I needed to
53:16
have came out and I was able to finally tell her, you hurt me.
53:30
At a time that I needed you the most, shut the door in
53:32
my face. I needed her if I couldn't run to anybody else. I
53:44
needed my mom because she had always, always showed up for me, always
53:52
a third time she didn't. And I couldn't understand why all these years you
54:02
have been showing up. Why not now? She told me, She said,
54:08
up after I closed the Chaplain and I relationship a long time ago.
54:22
And that's stunk the woman that gave me like you. You've done with me,
54:31
she said, all the years of disrespect and you call them bitches.
54:38
I'm done and that hurt now, mind you, My anxiety is already up,
54:47
had been up, and so I asked her why. She said,
55:13
because I don't want you to hurt me anymore. And at that point,
55:35
I said, is it because I remind you of my daddy and my constant
55:37
reminder? I said, because I'm not him, She said, because you
55:50
wanted him more than you wanted me, she said, and that man did
55:52
nothing for you. She was right. He showed up at the end of
56:05
he did, and she said, I'm good, well where we are.
56:17
But she didn't tell me. She told my son am I, And I
56:28
think that's the part that her somosis because you got my children involved. Regardless
56:35
of what beef or issues you have with me, you talk to me,
56:42
leave my children out of it, because now my children are toned. Am
56:49
I perfect? No? If I made a lot of mistakes, yeah I
56:53
have. I owned that. I eat a lot of that everything. But
57:00
I'm human and at that time I didn't know. I didn't know how to
57:07
channel my my anger then or how to be open when people. I didn't
57:15
know. So what I did was I retreated. I was angry, I
57:19
lasted out of people. I destroyed things that at least and I know I
57:23
wasn't healthy, but that was all I knew how to do. That was
57:31
all I knew how to do. But I fought. I fought, and
57:47
I fight every day. Hollo. I got a lot, a lot,
57:58
a lot of camp. I'm so sorry, y'all. So BFF sent me
58:05
some songs. BFF says, I'm fighting every day to do my due diligence
58:13
to be in my daughter's lives. But I don't want them to ever be
58:15
because I don't want them to ever feel like they don't know what love is
58:20
from a father. There's my cousin, They're go my sister. They're got
58:30
my other sister. They're go my brother. Mike. Hey bah bah hey
58:39
my girl, that's my girl. She says, so proud of you,
58:43
Ashley. Keep doing the work, Kalilah says, hug susists. Mike says,
58:52
I know it hurts, but she's afraid you're gonna go back to your
58:54
old old way. Swarts her. It's a complicated, said situation, and
59:02
I gave her that opportunity on Saturday. Some me and my mother had this
59:13
conversation a couple of weeks ago. So I'm still trying to process. I'm
59:20
still trying to take all of this in. So Saturday, we're supposed to
59:30
go to this horror film festival, me, my children, and my sister.
59:37
We had already decided, Okay, I've yet at the house at ten
59:39
thirty because the event started at eleven. And what I'm about to share with
59:47
y'all I'm not proud of. But in it, you know, I can't
59:55
change what happened. So sad that day I called because I woke up late,
1:00:02
and when I realized what time it was, I called me. I
1:00:07
said, okay, I'm I'm be walking out the door. I'll be on
1:00:08
my way. I'll be there shortly. They tell me, oh, no,
1:00:14
Grant's gonna let us choose her truck. My sister's car is in the
1:00:16
shop, so I rented a car for us to go. My anxiety is
1:00:30
up, and I think it was because of the conversation I had with my
1:00:35
mom a couple of weeks ago. So at this point, I'm angry.
1:00:42
Now this is a Saturday, just what today is Tuesday, three four days
1:00:53
ago. I'm enraged. I don't want to go now, so I break
1:01:15
my phones, I draw My mother tells me, Ashal, I thought you
1:01:29
were past that. All I could said to her was at least I didn't
1:01:35
hit nobody. That's what I talked. Now. I don't want to talk
1:01:49
to anybody because I couldn't believe I had gone back into a place that I've
1:01:54
been fighting so hard to get out of. I've been doing so good.
1:02:08
I'm so disappointed at myself, you know, So I didn't talk to anybody.
1:02:23
I shut down. I had pulled out every pill bottle in my bathroom
1:02:35
because I was starting, because I had allowed myself to go back into a
1:02:39
space that I fight every day to stay out of. Because it's like Damn,
1:02:46
I'm doing it again. I had come so far, I had accomplished
1:02:52
so much. Here I am doing the very same thing that I said I
1:03:06
would never do. So now I have. I'm without two phones and my
1:03:21
mentalness all over the place. Now I wanted to die because yet again,
1:03:31
not only did I disappoint my children, but I disappointed myself. So here
1:03:37
comes these in trusive thoughts. I can't do anything right. Everything I touch
1:03:45
I I messed up. So what's my purpose? Why am I still here?
1:03:53
And for the first time in my life, I finally was able to
1:03:55
be honest with my mom and I told her, I say, in the
1:03:58
last four years, I've attempted suicide six times. And in that moment,
1:04:09
my mom told me, she said, ask you, you have so much
1:04:13
to live for. I don't think y'a'll even understand how that made me feel.
1:04:23
So here that come from my mom, But that also opened up another
1:04:29
thought for another conversation, for me to really express her and tell her,
1:04:33
you would know these things if you would call and check on me. Y'all.
1:04:41
Don't call me, I call y'all. The only one that really does
1:04:44
call me is my baby girl, my baby So I figured my children don't
1:04:58
want anything to do. Who oh here? Yeah? I asked God every
1:05:02
day, why do you keep waking me up? Why do you keep giving
1:05:09
me another day? Here? And I just can't get anything right. This
1:05:13
is what I say. I'm being honest with y'all. Y'all wanted me to
1:05:15
be transparent, but here it is. This is what I asked him every
1:05:19
day. Why why do you keep waking me up? Why do you keep
1:05:21
allowing me to walk this earth? Why? Until I heard my mother tell
1:05:30
me why? And I'm gonna hold on today. She said, Ashley,
1:05:41
you have children, you're about to get married. You started the process of
1:05:50
buying the house. And that's strong because for once she shoulder, Oh,
1:06:11
she shoulder, and she told me she'd she said, asked to come over
1:06:15
overthought. I don't. I don't know nothing because now I'm I'm trying to
1:06:26
stay balanced, I'm trying to stay focused. But then I realize, oh
1:06:38
my God, that's kept me. I have a purpose to my children.
1:06:53
I owe that to him, to them. My children deserved that. My
1:06:57
children deserved the world. I can't go back any race, anything that I've
1:07:04
done or set, but I can fix how I go forward to my mother.
1:07:19
I get it, I respect it, it hurts, I get it.
1:07:38
I get it. I gave y'all the ammunition to say uh huh,
1:07:45
we knew it wasn't gone. So now I have to reset. But one
1:07:57
of the things that I'm not gonna do, I'm not gonna allow people to
1:08:00
keep holding my past over my head. I'm human. I messed up.
1:08:09
I say things that I'm not supposed to say. I do things that I'm
1:08:12
not supposed to do. I react in ways that I'm not supposed to.
1:08:15
But I'm human. I don't stay it and try to pretend that i'm I
1:08:20
think because I'm not a lot of people for saying y'all like I don't.
1:08:30
I don't think y'all even understand I'm a horrible of a person I was.
1:08:39
I didn't know how to be a friend. I didn't know how to be
1:08:43
a mom. I didn't know how to be a daughter. I didn't know
1:08:45
how to be a sister. I had to relearn all of that. But
1:08:56
one thing I will say, I'm way better and what I was five years
1:09:01
ago. And that's one of the things that I have to hold onto because
1:09:06
my mom did say, but yeah, you know, we haven't gotten into
1:09:10
it in a long time, because I told I was tired, because I
1:09:15
told I didn't want to do this with her anymore. My mama's all I
1:09:18
got, my mama husan all. Oh, even Saturday she showed up.
1:09:33
So right now I have to separate myself until I get my mental back on
1:09:43
track. It hurts, but I have back into me. I have to
1:09:56
sit down and I have to realign what I started this healer journey for.
1:10:04
Anyway, I don't think y'all understand to react the way I did over something
1:10:17
so minor cost me a lot. One little small decision I can't cost you
1:10:32
a life time or pain. And I'm tired on earth. I'm tired of
1:10:44
carrying this way. I'm tired. I'm physically tired, I'm mentally tired.
1:10:54
I'm emotionally tired. I can't care what this pain and it's trauma no more.
1:11:00
So. Today was the day that I had to release that. Today
1:11:09
was the day I'm gonna get back on my medication. I have to find
1:11:20
a new therapist, but I know I don't want to be in that place
1:11:28
anymore, because sitting in the dark is a lonely place. I'm gonna put
1:11:40
those blackout shades off my windows. I have to reset, I have to
1:11:51
refocus. I have to know why do I do black girling to work that
1:11:58
this is why this is the happiest place that I'm at in the whole world.
1:12:06
And that's right here on this podcast, the happiest place. Y'all braby
1:12:15
so much joy. Regardless of the conversations, the way y'all show up for
1:12:26
me, I didn't one time ever stopped to think about y'all. I didn't
1:12:41
think about y'all. I thought about me in my pain and what I'm going
1:12:47
through and not realizing that my podcast has really helped a lot of people.
1:13:00
I didn't realize how much joy I get out of doing this. I didn't
1:13:06
realize how many people really sit back and they go back and they watch my
1:13:12
episodes and they say, you're so strong. I could never be as vulnerable
1:13:18
as you are. Why when I made that post yesterday, I want y'all
1:13:28
to know I didn't make that post for sympathy, but to share my story.
1:13:32
I made that post because I know there's someone that's sitting right now that
1:13:38
might be going going through exactly what I'm going through. There are a lot
1:13:44
of things I want to address with regards to that post as well. Just
1:13:50
because a person battles with mental illness doesn't mean they were incapable to give or
1:13:57
received law. That's not what that means, because with a strong support system,
1:14:03
you can help that person overcome whatever it is that they're going through.
1:14:09
Someone asked me, was I healed enough to be in a relationship? Let
1:14:15
me say this, When I met my soon to be husband, he was
1:14:25
unemployed and going through a divorce when I met him, and still dealing with
1:14:34
some things from his childhood. But with a good support system and a person
1:14:45
that pours into you and encourages you and pushes you over that hump, love
1:14:51
wins and conquers everything. The discussions that me and this man had prior for
1:15:00
even saying we're gonna be in a relationship, I was very honest and open
1:15:03
and very transparent about my past and my present, and he still chose me.
1:15:14
So instead of asking am I healed enough? You'll tell you should say
1:15:20
I'm proud of the courage and the strength that you have and you to keep
1:15:26
going to keep pushing through your dark days. That would have been the appropriate
1:15:31
question to ask, not if I'm here because there are people that may not
1:15:38
have been through what I've gone through, or may not have experienced the things
1:15:42
that I've gone through, and still don't know how to maintain in a relationship.
1:15:49
But one thing I could say, my good, my bad and my
1:15:55
indifferent days, that man still stands beside me. So from now on going
1:16:01
forward, that's how I'm gonna start responding to comments of that sort. That's
1:16:12
not a shot at nobody, that's not a digg it nobody. I'm giving
1:16:16
you a grown up response, because on the good and the bad, that
1:16:23
man is still here two years later, a man that loves me, a
1:16:30
man that respects me, respects my children, and loves my children like their
1:16:36
his. I pray that love like that comes for everybody, because it's a
1:16:46
beautiful thing to find someone that has the patience to work with you and not
1:16:53
be so quick the throw and the tie. Such to you, Raphael Marshall.
1:17:02
Thank you to my children. I owe y'all bear with me. I'm
1:17:16
still a work in progress. To my extended family, my extended brothers,
1:17:28
my sisters, my cousins, my friends, thank you for showing up for
1:17:34
me. Thank y'all for not letting me fall. Y'all for being my selling
1:17:42
me asthlete. You're chosen, your love, your special. Thank you for
1:17:58
showing up for me. Thank you for allowing me the moment to just lay
1:18:03
in it for a minute, but still pushing me to get up. I
1:18:12
appreciate y'all for that. I tell y'all every episode. I love y'all so
1:18:21
much. Thank y'all for not having no judgment. Thank y'all for encouraging me.
1:18:30
Because y'all helped me too. I may not tell y'all directly every day,
1:18:38
I love y'all. Say to meet some of y'all in real life.
1:18:43
I can't wait because y'all have pushing y'all have encouraged me. Y'all have told
1:18:51
me everything that I can be. Y'all are told give yourself grace. Y'all
1:19:02
have allowed me to just be me. Y'all have gotten on me. Y'all
1:19:10
have chastised me. Y'all have taken y'all sandals off and pop me on the
1:19:14
back of the head and say, I get it together. That's what you
1:19:19
shop for. Me left all day Sunday. I didn't get out of the
1:19:26
bed, I didn't eat, I didn't do anything until I talked to my
1:19:30
big brother, and my big brother prayed over me. I called him and
1:19:36
I sent him a text a message on Instagram and I said, it's starting
1:19:42
to get happy. And my brother immediately picked up that phone and said,
1:19:46
what's wrong? And I told him, I just need you to pray.
1:19:50
I don't want to talk about I just need you to pray. He said
1:19:56
done and immediately started praying for me on that phone. To my mom,
1:20:09
I do love you, do. I have a thicker way of showing you.
1:20:16
I do. I'm sorry if I ever mistreated you or made you feel
1:20:26
like any other person was superior over you. I don't tolerate you. I
1:20:32
do love you. I just never knew how to show you because every time
1:20:40
I said it, you were always followed by I was always followed. I
1:20:44
always told you that and always followed up with something that disappoints you. But
1:20:50
I do love you. Do. I want to be better. I do.
1:21:00
I don't want you to leave this earth not knowing how I feel about
1:21:04
you. Because I do love you. I've always loved you. I loved
1:21:15
my dad. I did so. I just ask that you forgive me.
1:21:29
I understand and I respect the wall that you put up. But I'll never
1:21:44
stop loving you because you saved. You may not have realized that, but
1:21:51
you did when you started to tell me everything that I had to live one
1:22:03
I couldn't do anything but cry because that was the way I wanted her to
1:22:09
show up for me, as she did so. To my mother, Joanne
1:22:15
Pearson, I love your batcakes as wrong and it cause I think as as
1:22:47
as I've ever been. When I wake up tomorrow, I get a chance
1:23:00
to do it all over again differently. I get a chance to get back
1:23:10
into my happy space. I get a chance to do all of that,
1:23:16
and I'm forever grateful that God has never taken his hands off of me.
1:23:30
I'll keep doing beautiful and amazing things. I'll keep showing up for me.
1:23:41
I'll keep showing up for my babies. I even got step grandchildren, y'all,
1:23:51
my mooly. I feel really now. I feel free. I don't
1:24:05
feel restraint. I'm finally free because my mother was the last person I needed
1:24:19
to have a conversation with, and I did so now I can let that
1:24:30
part go and continue to grow these situations. Like I saw, many things
1:24:48
I need to do before I leave this earth. I haven't even accomplished yet,
1:25:04
but I'm free. Mentally not a hundred percent, but I'm gonna get
1:25:16
there. Emotionally not a hundred percent, but I'm gonna get there basically.
1:25:28
Not a hundred percent, but y'all, I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna
1:25:36
make it. I'm gonna be y'all right. I wanna win. I want
1:25:53
to be able to get out and go see the world, y'all. I
1:25:56
do, but I want to make sure that I'm in a beautiful and pace.
1:26:10
I'm letting it go. I'm gonna separate for a little while, just
1:26:25
until I feel i'm ready. I'm gonna start my meds this weekend. I'm
1:26:30
gonna wait till the weekend, y'all, because I have to reintroduce that back
1:26:33
into my body. What y'all keep bring for me again, don't take your
1:26:45
hands off from me. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna get better.
1:26:51
I wanna be better. Let me say that. I want to be
1:26:58
able to learn how to control my emotions. I want to a journal.
1:27:03
I want to start writing down my triggers one foot in front of the other,
1:27:18
though IM allowing myself graced in time m hm. My nick doesn't hurt.
1:27:53
My shoulders don't hurt. I feel free now, I really do feel
1:27:56
free. I love y'all, but most importantly, I love me too.
1:28:12
If to be kind to myself, I after learning to be gentle to myself,
1:28:26
it's wrong, but I know I'm gonna get there. I know in
1:28:31
six months, I'm gonna look back on this day, on this day,
1:28:39
two years, three years, ten years, and I'm gonna remember it's not
1:28:54
where you start, is how you finish. I've had a pretty rough start,
1:29:02
but that doesn't mean that I won't have a beautiful ending. Because who
1:29:10
I was I will no longer to allow to define who I'm gonna be.
1:29:26
Lisa says, yes, love, continue to stand in your truth, and
1:29:31
Jule says, I love your sister. Give it all to God and leave
1:29:34
it there and have faith that God will work it out, sending you the
1:29:38
biggest hug. Miss Lisa says, understand it also hurt her to turn your
1:29:45
way, maybe more than she will ever admit. She says, but please
1:29:49
keep doing the work. We don't know that day or the hour. Time
1:29:54
is fleeting than it is. Lila says, you do. Joe says,
1:30:03
remember what I told you last night. I need you to live by that
1:30:08
from this day forward. Jabart says, I'm glad your mom saved you.
1:30:16
Mike. That's my brother right there. He says, you have a lot
1:30:19
to live for. Always remember those kids first before making any bad decisions.
1:30:29
That one I had the heart. That one Case says, because your voice
1:30:38
needs to be heard. You have so much to say, my girl Nicki
1:30:46
Nicole, Oh my gosh, girl, thank you, and I hope your
1:30:54
business is still flourishing. My boy nudded It says, love you, Sis.
1:31:03
Colorless says I could tell you that I've been there. It does take
1:31:06
time for me. It has taken years. Not It says that pot,
1:31:16
I love you so much too, Cousin Brenda. Not It says, I
1:31:23
always got you, Sis. That got my girl, Christian. She sends
1:31:29
me a bunch of hearts. My boy Frederick says, I love you,
1:31:34
I love you back. Not you know I love you. You know I
1:31:43
love you. And I want to say thank you for Sunday. Thank you
1:31:50
because you asked no. All you said was actually what's wrong? And I
1:31:54
just said I just need you to pray, and you did so. Thank
1:31:57
you. But to y'all, my team, my crew, my extended family.
1:32:13
Y'all always come throughing a clutch. I'm gonna keep saying it because again,
1:32:23
I didn't realize how many people love me the way that y'all have shown
1:32:30
me, and you're always show up and but that I appreciate. I appreciate
1:32:41
that. I really do. Y'all just don't even know and even begin to
1:32:45
understand that. Sometimes you just need to hear that I'm proud of you,
1:32:53
or that I love you, or you're doing a good job. Sometimes we
1:32:56
need to hear that. But we also need to hear when we're fucking up.
1:33:06
I need to hear that some days too, when I'm slipping. Everybody
1:33:12
needs to hear that. Everybody needs to be popped on our back of the
1:33:18
net with Jesus, Jerome Jackson, Sandal, everybody does, you know,
1:33:27
just to get us back on track. We all need that. And I
1:33:33
want to get the biggest shout out to my manager for showing up the way
1:33:41
that she did, for understanding, for pushing me and being my backbone and
1:33:50
saying I'm human first, So shout out to my manager, and you always
1:34:00
come through, and thank you for giving me these couple of days to regroup
1:34:08
and reset. I ain't never had a manager like you, so I'm forever
1:34:16
grateful for you. I think one of the most beautiful things that I've I've
1:34:23
learned, or and i' let me say that I'm still continuing to learn,
1:34:27
is that even when you think you're bout yourself, you're really not alone.
1:34:39
Y'all ain't able to phone call away. Y'all did that. But I do
1:34:49
finally feel free though honestly I do. I think this is the freest I've
1:34:55
felt these last few days. I'm free. I can move on, I
1:35:09
can let go I can't and I appreciate y'all. I love y'all. Thank
1:35:21
y'all for just being my support system tonight. Thank y'all for showing up like
1:35:29
y'all do each and every episode that I have. But I do want to
1:35:35
go into I found some quotes y'all that I need to get like some sticky
1:35:45
pads, because I want to put these on my bathroom mirror so I could
1:35:50
look at him every morning when I get up. One of the quotes that
1:35:56
I found was your transparency will lead to other people's transformation. Again, I
1:36:08
didn't do this for sympathy. I did it because I wanted to encourage and
1:36:13
empower somebody else that might be where I met. Another quote I found was
1:36:24
transparent. I'm so sorry. That first quote was by Trent Shelton. Your
1:36:29
transparency will lead to other people's transformation. That's by Trent Shelton. Another quote
1:36:38
that I found was transparency foster's a sense of trust and provide serious motivation.
1:36:45
That's by Billy booge I hope I said the last thing correctly. But when
1:36:50
you're able to be transparent, that's the motivation for you to heal. That's
1:36:57
the motivation for you to keep going because you're letting people know who you are
1:37:02
up front, so there'll be no surprises in the end. Another quote that
1:37:12
I found was transparency is key to reciprocal accountability, which we used to be
1:37:17
both free and smart. It is the miracle tool that enables us to question
1:37:23
the lives of monsters. That was by David Brin. And the last one,
1:37:32
honesty and transparency make you vulnerable, be honest and transparent anyway, and
1:37:40
that was Mother Teresa. This one here is the one I want to say
1:37:47
resonates with me the most is because when I'm transparent, I'm vulnerable, I'm
1:37:57
open, I'm honest because I want people to know that I go through what
1:38:04
you guys go through. Yeah, you may see me smiling in pictures and
1:38:11
I'm with my children, and you'll see me with my man and you know,
1:38:17
but a lot goes on behind the scenes. And now y'all know.
1:38:24
Now, y'all know what I've been dealing with from the beginning till now,
1:38:34
even in between. I've never tried to hide or sugarcoat who I am because
1:38:44
what you see with me is what you're gonna get. So you can either
1:38:47
choose to be with me on the bad days and not just the good,
1:38:55
or not be with me at all. I'm not perfect. I'm gonna slip
1:39:05
and I'm gonna fall. But again, what I'm not gonna allow you to
1:39:11
do is keep throwing my past in my face. I don't live there anymore.
1:39:23
I'm gonna mess up and I'm gonna fall. Oh, but I'm human
1:39:31
and everybody makes mistakes. Like in my post, I've writed a lot of
1:39:39
wrongs. I've done just that, and again, I'm still a work in
1:39:50
progress. It's still a work in progress as long as God continues to keep
1:40:03
his hands on me. I'll be all right. As long as I keep
1:40:09
believing, I'm definitely gonna be all right. As long as I continue to
1:40:16
do the work, I'll be all right. And I'm ready. And that's
1:40:27
no cap I'm ready, I guess you because say that's my final thought.
1:40:36
I guess maybe. But so to night. It's not where you start,
1:40:48
that's how you finish. I was told today that I was the Harriet Tubman
1:40:56
for mental health. I do these types of shows and episodes again to encourage
1:41:08
somebody to let you know that it's okay to not be okay some days.
1:41:15
It's okay to mess up. It's okay to not feel like yourself some days,
1:41:28
but it does matter that you continue to get up and show up for
1:41:31
yourself. Don't allow yourself to live in the because the dark is a real
1:41:43
lonely, lonely place, and no one can get to you when the dark
1:41:49
dancing the light, dance, dance like nobody's watching. Enjoy your life,
1:41:58
live it to the fullest. If you're a person at battles with mental illness,
1:42:09
again, it doesn't mean you're incapable to give or received love. Doesn't
1:42:14
mean that at all, there are people in this world that are mental illness
1:42:18
and go on to live. So don't let an It won't tell you that
1:42:26
just because you have a mental illness that you're worthless. I made this post
1:42:33
that they're telling people they're broken because I'm not broken. I'm cracked because he
1:42:42
broken means you can't be fixed, it can't be repaired. I'm fixable,
1:42:49
I'm reparable. I'm able to be repaired, and you are too. We
1:42:56
may have some cracks, we may have some I'm sanding some bruises, but
1:43:01
we're able to be fixed. So stop telling people, Oh, you're broken
1:43:08
because I'm not broken. I'm cracked. I have flast, but I'm able
1:43:18
to be fixed. You're able to be fixed. Speak positivity over yourself,
1:43:30
words of power. Show up on those days for yourself, even when you
1:43:40
don't feel like it, even if it's just changing your shirt, h standing
1:43:45
outside on your balcony, or maybe if it's trying a different food, dish,
1:43:49
something, but show up, reach out, learn who's for you,
1:44:06
and separate from the ones that aren't for you. I told y'all when I
1:44:11
did my empowerment episode. In order for your flowers to bloom, sometimes you
1:44:17
got to pull those weeds out of your garden, because those weeds will stunt
1:44:21
your growth. There are people out here that really don't want to see you
1:44:27
win. There are people out here that are really envious of a life that
1:44:32
you don't really live, but they think you too. And I'm gonna leave
1:44:41
y'all with that. I hope that health. I hope that encouraged. I
1:44:46
hope that empowered with somebody. But I love y'all. I appreciate y'all.
1:44:57
I thank y'all so much for hanging out with me tonight, for pouring into
1:45:01
me tonight, for loving on me a little a little harder. I appreciate
1:45:08
that y'all are phenomenal people, and I'm blessed to have a circle of people
1:45:17
like y'all around me. That's what I'm grateful for. But I'm most grateful
1:45:26
for it is my Lord and Savior who's never taking his hands off of me,
1:45:33
who's allowed me to go through what I've gone through to get to where
1:45:41
I am the day. I love y'all, And on that note, I'm
1:45:48
gonna end it there. But y'all, don't forget, don't forget to tune
1:45:55
into a black girl interrupted every Tuesday every Thursday, eight thirty pm Central Time
1:46:00
time nine thirty pm Eastern Time. Uh, Farrow interrupted, I'm I'm on
1:46:05
Twitter, I'm on TikTok, I'm everywhere wherever you guys listen to your podcasts.
1:46:15
Don't forget to like, share, subscribe in comment, I want to
1:46:18
know rate the episodes. I definitely appreciate that part. That to YouTube.
1:46:28
I can't never don't worry, but I'm gonna work this out. There we
1:46:31
go, There we go. I did it. That's the heart. Don't
1:46:38
laugh at me. I can't never get my fingers together. But anyway,
1:46:42
but y'all check me out. You know, don't forget like share, subscribe
1:46:45
comment. Uh, you can subscribe to Black Girl. Interrupt that I am
1:46:50
on YouTube or wherever you listen to your podcast said, definitely mean, I'm
1:46:56
rating some abus. Let me know what your thought about tonight's episod Old or
1:47:00
any other episode that I've done. That only helps me to get better.
1:47:09
Like again, I love y'all. I do want to post some links anyone
1:47:17
that's dealing with mental health. These are resources for black men and black women.
1:47:26
One of the links up on the screen is black mental health dot Com.
1:47:30
Forward slash suicide forward slash. There is the a f sp dot org.
1:47:42
I had a couple of other links, but those were the a couple
1:47:45
of links that I did have. Still, if you know anyone that is
1:47:51
let me move this out of the way, UH that is at risk,
1:47:57
or if you are in a crisis, please don't as a take to call
1:48:00
the Suicide Prevention Lifeline which is one eight hundred two seven three talk or one
1:48:06
eight hundred two seven three eight two five five. There's the Crisis Line,
1:48:15
the statewide Crisis Line which is eight five five two seven four seven four seven
1:48:23
one. That's if you're ever need helping you're in a mental health crisis.
1:48:29
And there's another one. I believe it's is it pound eight nine nine or
1:48:33
Star eight nine nine? I should have got it and posted it. But
1:48:39
if you never if you don't want to talk to anybody and you just feel
1:48:42
better texting, I believe it's eight nine nine. I believe that's what it
1:48:46
is. But you can always text that number and you'll have a counselor that
1:48:53
will text you back and will help you down when you're up on that ledge.
1:48:58
But those are just a few of that resource. Since that I found.
1:49:00
But again, I just want to say good night to everybody. Happy
1:49:06
Tuesday. I pray that everyone has a great rest of the week. I
1:49:14
will see y'all Thursday. That will definitely be my empowerment episode where I just
1:49:19
want to empower somebody, you know, whether it's if you name me to
1:49:24
pray with you, pray for you, whatever it is you need me to
1:49:28
do. That will just be our empowerment hour and then we'll get back to
1:49:32
our regularly scheduled programs that I have scheduled. But I I that's a beautiful
1:49:41
night. I hope you have a great rest of the week. I love
1:49:44
y'all again, thank y'all for showing up for me. It was very warranted,
1:49:49
it was needed, and I'm absolutely humbled for the love that you guys
1:49:55
continue to show me. So I love you guys. Enjoy the rest of
1:49:59
your and I will see y'all Thursday. By