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Money, Privilege, and What We Think Our Kids Need · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Motherhood Uncut Podcast, where we talk honestly about the reality of motherhood.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Kate Kripke.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for mothers to feel seen, heard, and understood, especially those navigating the intersection of raising young kids while also maintaining passions, purpose, and work outside of motherhood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's called Uncut because we do not hold back here.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Through expert conversations, personal stories, practical tools, and honest reflection, we explore what it means to care for ourselves, stay connected to our kids, and remember that we can feel hard things and still be okay.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad you're here.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: None of these things are bad, of course.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Many of them give our kids real advantages.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: But research on families across different income levels raises a really interesting question.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Have those of us with more resources started confusing everything we can give our children with everything they actually need?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to look at what researchers have learned from moms raising children with very few financial resources and what they've learned from kids growing up in wealthy families and what both can teach us about what helps children grow into healthy, connected human beings.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because some of the most powerful things we give our kids don't cost anything at all.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so if you're listening to this podcast and finding yourself thinking, yes, this is exactly how I feel, I want you to know that you do not have to navigate the season alone.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: The women I work with are deeply thoughtful, capable, ambitious mothers who care tremendously about their children and also about the work, passions, relationships, and purpose they hold outside of motherhood.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: But motherhood has a way of asking things of us that many of us were never prepared for.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: The uncertainty, the lack of control, the intensity of loving someone this much.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere along the way, anxiety, guilt, overwhelm, and the constant need to figure things out can start pulling us away from the life that's actually happening right in front of us.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: The Calm Connection Experience is my 12-week program designed to help you change that.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Together we work on building your capacity to stay present and connected, even when things feel uncertain, uncomfortable, or different from what you expected.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you can respond to your kids, to your life, and to yourself in ways that actually reflect the woman and mother you want to be.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you're hearing this and thinking, I want that, then I'd love to talk with you.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can book a call with me using the link in the show notes.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: We will talk about what's feeling hard for you right now, what you want to be different, and whether the calm connection experience might be the right next step for you.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk today about money and privilege and motherhood.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to start by being really clear about something very obvious.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Having enough money is good for families.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: We all know this.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: When families don't have enough money for food and housing and childcare and healthcare or other basic needs, it creates enormous stress.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that stress affects parents and it can affect kids.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Almost always does.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: So this is not an episode about how having less money somehow makes you a better parent.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's definitely not an episode about how kids don't need resources.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: They do.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I've been thinking about a very different question.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: What can those of us who have a lot of resources learn from mothers who don't?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because I work with a lot of women who have resources.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a mother who's had resources, who can afford good schools and tutors and camps and soccer and gymnastics and piano and therapy and specialists.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: We can hire the sleep consultant or buy the organic food, get the evaluation.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a case for many of you who are listening to this podcast episode.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Move to the neighborhood with better schools, read every parenting book, listen to every podcast, consult every expert.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: None of those things is bad.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of them give our kids real advantages.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the question I've been sitting with.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: When you have the ability to give your child almost anything, how do you decide when you've given them enough?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because there is always something else you could do.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think somewhere along the way, many of us have started confusing having the ability to give our children more with having the responsibility to give our children everything.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Those are very different things.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a sociologist named Annette Lerau who spent years and years studying families with different amounts of money.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And she noticed something really interesting.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Families with more money were more likely to organize a lot of their children's lives, like sports and lessons and camps and programs.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Parents were more likely to step in at school and to ask questions and to advocate for their kids, more likely to make sure they were getting every opportunity available to them.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And there are obviously real benefits to this.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Kids learn skills, they learn how to speak up, they get opportunities that can help them later in life.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: But Lerot noticed something different.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: In families with fewer financial resources, kids tended to have more time that wasn't planned for them.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: They played, they spent time with siblings and cousins.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: They spent time with other people in their community.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: They figured out what to do when they were bored.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Their parents were still caring for them, teaching them, setting limits, keeping them safe, but their childhood wasn't being managed in quite the same way.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what's really important about that.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: The research doesn't say one way is good and the other is bad.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: There are benefits and costs to both.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I think those of us who have a lot of resources should pay attention to what can happen when we start believing that good parenting means creating as many opportunities as possible for our kids.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because once that's the job, where does it end?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's always another opportunity, another camp, another activity, another tutor, another specialist, another experience, maybe even another school, another thing we're just supposed to know.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Privilege gives us choices, and that is a really amazing thing.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: But those choices can also become things we believe were responsible for getting right.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a very different experience of motherhood.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's another group of researchers who did something really simple.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: They asked mothers with very little money what would help them raise their young children.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, those moms talked about money.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: They talked about affordable childcare and food and housing and health care.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Families need those things.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: But the mothers talked about other things too.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: They wanted more time with their kids.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: They wanted people they could count on.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: They wanted community.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: They wanted support.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't want to feel like they had to do everything alone.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is worth sitting with because we think about giving our kids more.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then we often think about the things we can't buy or we can buy, right?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: We kind of combine those things.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: But some of the resources families need most are not things we buy at all.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: They're people.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's grandma, it's the neighbor who knows your kid.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's the friend who says, send her over.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: She can have dinner with us.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's the family down the street whose house your kid walks into without knocking.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's the teacher who really knows your child.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's the aunt or uncle your teenager will talk to when they don't want to talk to you.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Money is a resource, and relationships are resources too.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Community is a resource.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Time is a resource.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Having someone you can call when everything falls apart is a resource.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I wonder if those of us with more money sometimes forget that.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: We are, we can get very good at buying support.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: But buying support isn't always the same thing as belonging to a community.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's another study that I love.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Researchers asked mothers who were dealing with financial hardship what being a quote-unquote good mother meant to them.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And their answers were so basic.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Love your kids, take care of them, keep them safe, teach them, talk to them, build strong family relationships.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: When I first read that, I thought, of course, of course that's what kids need.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: But when I think about how much we've added on top of that, you know, the right school, the right activities, the right food, the right camps, the right friends, the right sports, the right amount of screen time, the right parenting approach, the right college.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Again, none of those things is bad, but we've added so many things to the job of raising a child that it can become really hard to remember what the job actually is.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Love them, know them, protect them, teach them, talk with them, help them become part of a family and a community, and be there when life gets hard.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's where this gets even more interesting to me.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Researchers have also studied kids growing up in wealthy, high-achieving communities.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this part surprised me.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: You might assume that the problem is that these kids are doing too much, right?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like too many activities, too much soccer, too much tutoring, too many activities.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not really what researchers found.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Just being involved in a lot of activities wasn't the big problem.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: What seemed much more important was the pressure kids felt around achievement, especially how they thought their parents saw them when they didn't do well.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's a really important difference.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: The soccer isn't necessarily the problem, of course.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Neither are the piano lessons or the tutor.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: The question is, what does my child believe all of this is for?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Does my kiddo think my mom sees something I love and she's helping me do more of it?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or does my kiddo think my not, my mom needs me to be good at this?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Does my child think my parents are excited to see who I become?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or there's a version of me they're hoping I become.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's where this gets so much bigger than activities because kids are always learning something about who they are through their relationship with us.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if I could give my child one thing, it would be the deep knowing that you don't have to perform for your place in this family.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is where I think those of us who are high-achieving moms need to pay attention because we are so dang good at solving problems.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're really good at gathering information and at planning and seeing three steps ahead.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're so good at asking, what else could I do?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Those skills have probably helped us in our lives.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: But motherhood gives those skills an endless supply of problems to solve.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, think about it.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best school?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best activity?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best bedtime?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best consequence?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best way to respond to this tantrum?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: How do I make sure she's confident?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: How do I make sure he's successful?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: How do I make sure I'm not screwing this all up?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: We keep asking, what should I do?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: When sometimes the most useful question is, what does this relationship need from me right now?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that's relational intelligence.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Money can't buy it.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot outsource your ability to stay with your child's disappointment.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can't hire someone to make your child know that failure doesn't change their worth.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can't purchase the experience of your child discovering that they can survive frustration.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can't enroll them in a class that gives them the deep knowing, I am loved here even when I'm struggling.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: You build that moment after moment.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And usually in very ordinary moments.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's one more piece of research that fits here too.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Researchers have looked at the people moms have around them friends, family, neighbors, community, the people they can count on.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And what they find is that these relationships can help both mothers and children, which makes so much sense.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm not carrying everything alone, I have more of myself available for my child.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And my child gets something too, right?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: They get more people, more relationships, more places to belong, more adults who know them, more examples of how human beings take care of each other.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: And this makes me wonder whether some of us have gotten the idea of providing for our children a little too small.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: We think providing means what can I give my child?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we should also be asking, what can I build around my child?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Who are their people?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Who are our people?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Does our family belong somewhere?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Does my kiddo have adults in their life who aren't being paid to teach them something?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Do they have cousins or neighbors or family friends they can just be with?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do they see me ask for help?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Do they see us help other people?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Do they know that families don't have to do everything alone?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because those things are part of what we're giving our kids to.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So when I pull all of this research together, I don't hear kids don't need money.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they do.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't hear stop giving your kids opportunities.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's not it either.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: I hear something so much more useful.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Don't confuse everything you can give your child with everything your child needs.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Those are not the same list.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you have resources, use them.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let's give our kids opportunities if we can.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Give them help when they need it.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let them try things.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Travel if you can.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Send them to a school you love.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hire the tutor.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let them play the sport.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with any of that.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just don't forget the things that don't cost anything.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Time, connection, belonging.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Being known, like deeply known.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Having people, being allowed to struggle, knowing you can make a mistake and still be okay.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing your mother doesn't need you to be impressive.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing you have a place in your family that you don't have to earn.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe one of the most powerful things we can learn from families who are raising kids with fewer financial resources is that more isn't always the same thing as what a child needs most.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to take that one step further because I don't think this is only about our kids.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's about us too.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: If I believe that being a good mom means giving my child every possible advantage, I have just given myself an impossible job because there will always be one more thing I could give them.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else will always be doing something I'm not.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Their child is in a better school, or their child has some private coach for something.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Their child is traveling more or started piano at four.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or their kiddo has a college consultant.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Their child has whatever it is that mine doesn't.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And my nervous system can turn all of those choices into danger.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: What if I'm missing something?
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: What if I make the wrong choice?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: What if I don't give them what they need?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: What if they fall behind?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so what do I do?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: I research and plan and compare and optimize and I do more.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And for a moment, doing more might make me feel safer, but there is no end to it.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's no amount of doing that can guarantee how my kids' life is going to turn out.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's the harder work for those of us who have the ability to do so much.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Can I tolerate not doing everything?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Can I trust my child to grow?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Can I let them struggle without assuming I've failed them somehow?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Can I give them opportunities without believing their future depends on me choosing every opportunity correctly?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Can I believe that enough might actually be enough?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't think our children need us to engineer a perfect childhood.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think they need a relationship they can return to.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: A home where their worth is not up for debate.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: People who know them and who love them, plenty of chances to struggle, chances to contribute and to figure things out.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: And as a mom who doesn't need to know, and a mother who does not need to know exactly how it's all going to turn out in order to stay connected to the child who is right in front of her.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, give your children what you can.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Use the resources you have, enjoy them, be grateful for them.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And remember that some of the most powerful things you will ever give your child will never appear on a credit card statement.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: They'll happen at the kitchen table or in the car or at bedtime, even during a meltdown or after the after a mistake.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: On some ordinary Tuesday, when something goes wrong and you do not immediately try to make it go away, you stay present right there and you listen and you let them struggle with you right by their side and you remind them who they are, and you let them grow.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right, listeners, if you found this episode helpful in any way, or if there's someone in your life who you think might benefit from hearing it, I would be so grateful if you take just a moment to subscribe, rate, review, or share this episode with a friend.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, it does feel good to know this podcast is resonating with you, but honestly, the bigger reason I ask is because the more subscriptions, ratings, and reviews the podcast receives, the more accessible it becomes to mothers who may really need this kind of support and conversation.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And as we all know, motherhood was never meant to be done alone.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: But it really does take a village to raise a mom too.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for helping us grow this community one conversation at a time.