Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 27, Season 2: Your Questions Answered from Dr. Sarah Hensley Relationship Coaching Services Facebook Clients & Community

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Episode 27, Season 2: Your Questions Answered from Dr. Sarah Hensley Relationship Coaching Services Facebook Clients & Community · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: host Rena Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: the founder and CEO of the Love Dog relationship coaching services.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: You can find her at the lovedog dot com or
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: on any social media handle at doctor Sarah Hensley. Hey, Hey,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: what's up. First and foremost, we want to thank our affiliate.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Yes, budget my favorite product in the entire world. Guys,
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: we're not kidding, not kidding. You don't get your partner Dick.
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: Did get them a budget.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: If you are a crappy gift giver, you can redeem
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: yourself for life. If you give someone a bedjet, they will.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: I got my mom one for Mother's Day and she
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: every day she when she comes over, she's like, I
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: just want to say, I love my bedgets that.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I'm the same way. My husband got mine
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: for me last Christmas, and he's an excellent gift giver.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: But it is at the top of the list in
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: terms other than maybe like my engagement.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: Rink obviously obviously, but you.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Know it is at the top of my list in terms,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: it's second second to my engagement ring. Guys, So if
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: that tells you anything about how amazing the bedget is.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: That should tell you something.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: So here's what it is. It is a climate controlled
• 1:25
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• 1:28
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• 1:31
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• 1:34
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• 1:38
  Speaker 2: So you can turn it to any temperature you want,
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: from like sixty something degrees toee hundred and nine degrees.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: I go in one hundred and nine degrees turbo mode
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: when I get in my bed, and then you can
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: set a bio rhythm so you can and it will
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: help you on the app. It has an app that
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: goes with it, and we'll ask you a bunch of
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: questions about how you sleep and what you experience, and
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: it will change your temperature throughout the night to promote
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: better sleep. So your body actually falls asleep by dropping
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: its core body temperature. So the bedget can help you
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: do that. If you have trouble falling asleep, it can
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: help you maintain temperature. If you wake up hot, it
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: can help keep you dry. It has a dry function
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: you can put along with the temperature setting, so that
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: if you are getting night sweats like you know happens
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: in menopause. You can stay bone dry all night long.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: It is absolutely fantastic. And now when I go to hotels,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: I'm sad and I'm going to just buy an extra
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: set of bedgets and pack them in a suitcase.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: Now they need like a little portable one.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: They do. They actually Donald commented on their page one
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: time it was like need you need to travel bedget
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: and they said they're in the works with it.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: Oh that's awesome, Oh my gosh.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Like a little mini travel bedget.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: So you can go see them at bedget dot com
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: slash love doc and get fifty dollars off the dual set,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: which you're gonna want anyway, because you know your partner
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: and you may have different.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: A nice temperature, like twenty degrees different.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: Oh totally different, totally differ. So go check them out
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: and thank you so much. Be yes, all right, So
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: today we are going to do another Q and A
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: for you guys.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: I love these I do too, And I think our
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: community group on Facebook if you haven't joined, it's the
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Love Dot clients and community. Please look for the picture
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: with the pink banner because there's a lot of poser accounts. Unfortunately,
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: I've been on the freakin verification wait list on Facebook forever,
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: which doesn't make any sense because my meta says I'm verified,
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: and it says I could be verified on Facebook and Instagram.
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: Does anybody understand meta?
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: If you do, please reach out to an email at
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Raina at the Love If.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: You are a meta expert. We need you on our team.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: Yes, please please.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: We can't figure it out to save our life.
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: Complicated.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: We actually have a sit down meeting after this podcast
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: with me, you and Donald to try to figure out meta.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's that much of a nightmare. So if
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: you know anything about it, please Raina at the Love Doctor.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: I will be right on that responding. So today we're
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: going to go into the group and answer questions in
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: real time. Yeah, that's where I was going with that point.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't moderate every question now if we get
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: fifty questions a day, I can't answer fifty questions a day.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: I wish I could.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: And there's eleven there's over eleven thousand people in this group,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: so it's really difficult. But one of the beautiful things
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: about the group, you know, is that it's a support system, right,
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: you have to you have to ask to be included,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: so you can stay anonymous. But there are other people
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: in the group, maybe some people that have gone through.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: Your heart people that have gone through my program that
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: will contribute. Yeah, really helpful answer.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Good advice to just be leary and use good discernment
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: because not all of it's good advice.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: That's yes, would be a tip I would that is.
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And for those of you that have gone to
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: the group, we have a legacy program with a community
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: of people that have just gone through my program, So
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: they are going to give you better advice, right you
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: if you come in because they have been working with
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: my curriculum and my material.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: For a while.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: So if you've actually gone through doctor Hensley's program hybrid
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: group program and you're looking to extend your journey of healing,
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: you know, are just really wanting continued access to Doctor Hensley.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: You get once a month call with me.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and one live stream like where the pod podcast
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: you hind the Scene, a fifteen percent life long discount
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: on all one on ones with any of the coaches,
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: and you know, you get access to this community of
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: graduates that really know their stuff.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: And at free access to any new self coaching programs
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: that come out, which Raising Secure Kids is coming out.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: So any new product we drop, if you're part of
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: the Legacy program, you automatically get access to it.
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: Who would enjoin that?
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: Really?
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: It's not ninety seven bucks a month, guys.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so if you've got but it's only available to
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: people who've been through the group, right, so you have
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: to go through the group and order.
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: To be a part of the Legacy programs.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: We want you to be contributing to the community with
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: a really good knowledge basactly.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: So you can reach out to us at support at
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: the lovedoc dot com if you're interested in that, and
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: let's get back into the love dot clients and community group.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: We're gonna answer your questions in real time. To reply,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: I always like to say doctor Hensley has not seen
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: the ones that I'm gonna these questions. I don't know,
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: and so let's get started. Some of these are sort
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: of long, but I tried to pick some good ones out.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: My husband used my picture in an AI video generator
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: app with the prompt that said have her acts sexy
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: and tell me she loves me. Am I wrong for
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: asking him to delete the videos? There's a backstory. We
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: have been having major problems for the last two years.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: He regularly threatens divorce and has told me many times
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: that I'm sexually inadequate because I don't like to do
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: certain sexual things that his previous lovers, including his ex
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: wife as well as my old college roommate He's made
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: sure to specifically name them, had no problem doing for him.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: This gets really really well okay. He's asked me to
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: let him take sexy pictures of me for times when
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: he's away on business trips, and I've repeatedly said no.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: That makes me incredibly uncomfortable. These videos he made using
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: my pictures don't have nudity, but do have some flirtatious behavior,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: and while it comes from my picture, it doesn't end
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: up looking or sounding like me at all and is
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: definitely not me. I don't like the idea of my
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: husband lusting after this made up woman that's a version
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: of me. He's mad at me and says that this
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: is an example of how I'm so controlling, because I
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: asked him very kindly and vulnerably to please delete them
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: because they made me really uncomfortable. Now, someone he's the
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: right now, somehow He's the wronged party, and I'm the problem.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Am I overreacting? Am I wrong for asking him to
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: delete the videos and for feeling uncomfortable that he made
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: them in the first place.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, palm a head girl, speechless, I am
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: This is a lot to unpack. So they're obviously in
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: the loop. That is very common that doctor Udy talked
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: about when she was on here. Right of usually the
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: male partner I'm not getting enough sex or I'm not
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: getting the kind of sex that I want, and the
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: female partner being like, well, I don't feel emotionally safe
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: and so I can't give you sex, and then the
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: and then potentially the husband complaining, well you don't give
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: me the type of sex that I want or you're
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: sexually inadequate, and that just adds to the lack of
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: emotional safety. So her husband is massively compounding this issue. Yes,
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: and there may be issues on her side where she
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: was maybe weaponizing sex or puttentially shutting down sexually without
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: being able to hold better boundaries around the emotional safety.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: So they're in this stalemate. It is not in any way,
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: shape or form acceptable to shame your partner sexually or
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: videos or make AI videos like this. This is yeah,
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: that's dysfunctional. It is dysfunctional. And will I say that
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: you should feel safe enough in your marriage to send
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: your partner a sexy photo. You should absolutely feel safe
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: enough in your marriage. I would send my husband a
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: photo in me and like my bron underwear in two
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: point five seconds.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely right, Like I want him because I trust him.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: Because I asked him deeply. I know that he would
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: never share that. I know that it would never be
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: seen by anybody else, and it would turn him on.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: And that's fun in the relationship. And you should have
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: a marriage where there's enough say safety and trust that
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: you can do that and you don't feel uncomfortable he's taking.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: But if he's taking those pictures making them something, then
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: we're removing consent, right, and so then it becomes not okay.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: So the answer to you, the general question is this, okay. No,
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: it's not okay.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: No, you're not overreact.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: You're not overreacting. And what he's doing is very, very
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: harmful in the relationship. Sexual shame is incredibly hard to overcome.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: If you're sexually shaming your partner, they're in no way,
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: shape or form going to feel safe enough to give
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: you sex, and if they do, it's going to be
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: a complete fawn response. They're going to be abandoning themselves,
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: violating their own boundaries, and it's never going to work.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: So you guys need to enter some sex therapy. Go
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: seek doctor ut services, doctor Rebecca Uti. Yeah, if there
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: is attachment and emotional safety related issues, I would be
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: happy to serve you in that capacity. I don't particularly
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: do sex therapy, although that does come up per for
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: really in my practice, there's probably some attachment issues that
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: started this whole thing. So I would see maybe some
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: dual provider help somebody like me, somebody like doctor Uti
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: as an adjunct for the sexual related issues, somebody like
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: me for the attachment and emotional safety related issues. To
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: create a marriage and to repair trust, create a marriage
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: that you feel safe with and that you would want
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: to send a sexy, you know, picture of yourself to
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: your husband and that you trust that he is not
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: going to create an AI version of you. I mean,
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: I think where he's probably coming from is like, well,
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: I'm not really cheating, but he's obviously desperate for intimacy
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: and you have to ask yourself, you know, is the
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: way that I've been holding boundaries in my marriage appropriate
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: and have I been maybe compounding the problem too. So
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: what he's doing is terrible. I don't know what you've
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: been doing in the reallylationship, but if you want to stay,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: this isn't working. Yeah, so you probably need the help
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: of a couple of different providers in this one for sure.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Question for das both healing and healed, how many of you,
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: after moving towards security or achieving security, wanted to go
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: back to a fearfull, avoidant or anxious preoccupied partner to
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: try and make it work. Now, this is sort of
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: a question for the group, but I still want to
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: get your take, doc, partner, after you try to make
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: it work on the premise that the FA or the
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: ap X had also started moving towards security, what would
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: be your advice?
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: My advice would be what evidence do you have that
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: that partner is moved towards security? Which are evidence? Are
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: you going into the relationship saying okay, I'm going but
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: you're going to have to change. I hate when people
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: do that. They're like, well, yeah, I absolutely do want
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: to get back together, but it's going to have to
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: be that they change you can't control that.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's called an ultimate.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: It's an ultimatum, and you can't control that.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's different than a boundary.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: It is different than a boundary. It's saying, you know,
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: I want what I want and you better fall in line.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: You know, there's breakups happen for a reason, and you
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: can only control your half of the relationship. And so
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: I think if you want to start a conversation and say,
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: here's what I've learned about myself, here's what I think
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: my needs are, and here's where my boundaries will be,
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: how do you feel about that? And see what they
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: have to say. That's one thing. But you can't go
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: in like I okay, I want to get back together
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: and you're going to have to change. Yeah, you're setting
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: yourself up for disaster. Trust is rebuilt slowly. Security is
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: built slowly. It's not a quick process. You know, the
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Hybrid group is definitely a fast track process to get
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: the tools, but you have to continue to use the
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: tools and grow your muscle memory and re wor buire
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: your brain and nervous system towards security, and that takes
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: many months.
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: It's a practice.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: It's a practice, and so I think going in with
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: the goal of I want to make it work is
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: not the right goal. I think going in with the
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: goal of I'm curious to know what my previous partner
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: has learned and how they feel and what they've been
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: doing since we've broken up, and maybe if they've started
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: this journey and what it looks like for them. That's okay.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you're healing or healed, you know, I
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: think it's one and the same.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, healing is an ongoing, forever journey. As I just mentioned,
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: I just told a story and if you didn't catch
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: last week's episode of me having an FA moment and
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: having to catch it and correct it, you know, please.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: Proove that experts are still healing.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, But if they say they're not their fate.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: But if you're healing, I think these are what Doc
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: just said are really things that should sort of be known. Right.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: You start with the conversation and then you take inventory
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: of what their reactions or their answers are, and that
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: kind of allows you to use discernment and knowing whether
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: absolutely you should get back with them, you know, And
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: that's what healing is.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: Right, And I have a couple of clients lately, who
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: are I really want to make it work with my ex?
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: You know, they discarded me horribly. I really want to
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: make it work.
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: Why, Yeah, why do.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: You want to make it work with someone who's capable
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: of discarding you like you're a piece of trash on
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: their shoe. Why what is going on with you that
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: wants that? What is going on with you is I
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: want to make it work, but only if they change? Yeah, okay,
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: well how does that start? It's the only thing you
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: can do is start with a curious conversation of what
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: have you done in this space? And so our brea
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: accountability of what you've done and taking of course that's
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, I should have emphasized I kind of
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: assumed that's like a given, and I shouldn't have for
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: our audience. Yes, of course you have to be at
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: the place where you've taken accountability for all of your stuff.
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: But I think it still shines a light on you
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: a little bit that what is it about you that
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: wants to try to change somebody else or believes that
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: they can. Yeah, for sure, because you've had evidence of
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: who this person is, and you have to assume that
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: going back, that's still who they are. Yeah, because the
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: only thing you can do is be curious if that's
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: not the case.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: Right, Because even if you had done something, even the
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: tiniest thing to make the discard happen, someone who respects
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: you and cares for you would communicate that to you
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: and not just discard you.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, okay.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: So can you offer insight as to the DA needing
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: to be viewed as successful as part of their identity
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: and how that can extend to needing their partner to
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: also appear successful?
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah, I see this all the test shame. The
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: DA really wants to feel good about the relationship and
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: wants to know that the outside world would look in
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: and view the relationship positively. Their image is very important
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: to them. Why because their parents really emphasized responsibility and
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: achievement over emotional attonment, and so they prioritize looking good
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: over feeling good, but not in the same way that
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: narcissists do. It's just become part of the way that
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: they had access to safe connection as children, and so
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: they view it as part of safe connection. If the
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: world approves of our relationship, then it's safer.
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: Right, and that to them, it's sort of like that
• 17:48
  Speaker 3: is love.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: That is part of love. Yeah, because their parents created
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: that as part of love. I have a lot of
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: dismissive avoidance that when they're like, oh gosh, looking back, now,
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: I realize I only kind of got positive emotional reinforcement
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: or attunement when I achieved or when I was successful.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: And so then now they crave that, right. They become workaholics, abioholics.
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: They want their partners.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: They achieve and yeah, and so they kind of expect like,
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: I'm a high achiever, so you need to be high
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: achiever too. Now, not all das are super high achievers,
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: but the majority of them are. The majority of them are,
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: even if you know, it depends on what you classify
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: as a high achiever, but in their domain of competency
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: at work, most of them are very high up, you know,
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: whatever that looks like, whether it's a business owner, whether
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: you're a dog groomer. They're the best dang dog groomer
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: that ever walk the earth, right. They take a lot
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: of pride in their work and not knocking dog groomers that.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm very thankful for my dog. You know,
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: they make dogs beautiful. But there's a big difference between
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: a good one and a back I will tell you
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: that much. My dog has had some really rough haircuts
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: till we found the amazing greamer that we have. But
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: they take pride in their work, they take pride in
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: their achievements, and so they want you to do the same. Right,
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: And they were conditioned to do they were conditioned, they
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: were parented to do that, and it's part of the
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: their nervous system, right, and so they often want their
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: partner to reflect them into the outside world. Sure, so, yeah,
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: it's very very common things. So was there another question
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: there besides is that common?
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: No, it was just basically why, like why why is
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: that part?
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: Like?
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: Why is that part of it?
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: Very very common?
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: If you and your.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: DA are discussing and getting back together, this question all
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: the time we've been together five years, after two months
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: no contact, how do you bring up them being a
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: DA and Doctor Hensley's she called them therapy, They're not therapy.
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: Just let me be clear.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Doctor hints Slea's coaching options to them, like do I
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: give him examples of how his behavior aligns with the
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: datachment style and how it affects me?
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no no no no no, no,
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: it's not right there, girl. You're going to immediately hit
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: their defectiveness when they're going to shut down, and then
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: there's zero percent chance of reconciliation. First and foremost, Again,
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: if you go through my breakup course, the first thing
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: you're going to be confronted with is why do you
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: want to reunite? Are you missing aspects of the relationship
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: or are you missing the whole relationship? Because people in
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: relationships are puzzles, and a lot of people have some
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: of the pieces that are really important, but they're missing
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: a lot of the other really important pieces, and we
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: need the whole puzzle, and you deserve the whole puzzle
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: for sure. So again, this is coming into a situation.
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: I want to get back together, but only if they heal.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, sorry, you don't work that way.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well I want a billion dollars, so yeah, yeah,
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: what do you do with that? Again, you have no
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: control over their haaling journey.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: I think there is you know, if you're again, if
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: you're opening up conversation and that's all it is, and
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: you're re exploring the idea of reconnecting and it's mutual,
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: then I think there is opportunity to say something like, hey,
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: you know, I've recently stumbled across, you know, doctor Sarah
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Hensley's work. She's an attachment and attraction expert. Like, give
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: some credibility of where you've learned these things, and then
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: be like, you know, hey, you know I think i'm
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: such and such attachment style.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: You nailed it, you answered it. I have to answer it.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: You already know the answer because we get this question
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: so many times, and I've heard your answer so many times.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: You have to come from an intellectually curious space because
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: they're intellectual, logical people. You can't come from it from
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: a critical space. If you do this, you do that,
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: You can't come from it from an emotional space of
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: I really want us to get this help and blah
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: blah blah. You have to come from it as a Hey,
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: this information was really interesting to me, and I'm curious
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: what you think about it. Here's my attachment style. This
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: is what I've learned about myself. Curious if you can
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: identify yourself in any of these styles. Yea. And most
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: of the time they're smart people. They're gonna go yeah,
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: it sounds like I'm a DA. That doesn't mean they
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: will give two you know what's about fixing it. They
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: have a very much love me as I am attitude
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: and that may not change, and so it's good to
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: have that. Like you said, that curious conversation of you know, here,
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: here's what I think is interesting. Do you find this interesting? Oh? Yes,
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: you do? You think you're a DA Would you be
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: interested in learning more about how these blueprints that we
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: have may have affected our relationship and that can be
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: a place to start. We're not talking about jumping back
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: in with two feet, we're not talking about recommitting. We're
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: just talking about maybe having conversations and maybe taking a
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: healing journey side by side and what that might look like.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: And getting really curious about each other. I think that's
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: really big and people miss that.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then recreate the relationship based on the healing
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: process and what the aftermath of that healing process looks
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: like instead of going in, we're reconnecting, we're exclusive, we're together,
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: and then yeah, I have take the calling apart again.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: I think when you've had and so that's different than
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: a situation where we had a fight and maybe somebody
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: said maybe we should break up and then we come
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: back together the next day and we're like, you know what,
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: that's neither not what either of us wants to do.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: That's a different situation than having a two month no
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: contact period where there's a solidified breakup, when you have
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: like a fight and you come back together. That might
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: be an opera. And then somebody says, well, maybe we
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: should just be friends for a while. Then I tell people, no,
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: you know, either we're in this right now, or we
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: are going to take a true separation to figure out
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: our own stuff, and then maybe we'll talk and have
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: a curious conversation after a couple of months of separation
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: and figuring ourselves out.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: I don't let that deep da bread crumb. You don't, Yeah,
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: because that's what I've happens.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: They will create a situationship and they will slowly kill you,
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: one bread crumb at a time.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, don't let it happen. Set those firm boundaries, girl.
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: Okay uh.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Does doctor Sarah have any resources on helping to describe
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: sensations in the body. I've been using the emotions will
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: and that is very helpful, but I'm struggling finding proper
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: words to nail down what I'm feeling in my body.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: During the feedback practice.
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so she learned the soulist technique. Obviously she's taken
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: my self coaching program or been in my hybrid group.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Probably just a self coaching programmer. She would probably know
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: the answer to this if she was in the hybrid group,
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: because that's where you get to really deep dive and
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: ask questions. The naming sensations. It does not have to
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: be like I feel like my heart rate accelerating. It
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: doesn't have to be it can just be like my
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: heart's beating fast. Like my stomach feels icky. That's okay
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: to say my stomach feels icky. You don't have to
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: have like a scientific correct term.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, go back and listen to the emotional processing episode.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: That would probably be very helpful.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: Yes, it's okay to say my stomach feels icky. It's
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: okay to say I feel like my my chest feels weird.
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: It's okay to use those very and Dana Dozzie talked
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: about this when she was our nervous system expert way
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: back in season one. Love Dana Dossi's work. Oh my gosh,
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: we have to break her back. Love you, Dana. You know,
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: even I've you know, had my own expertise. In this
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: and I still learn things from Dana Dozzie because she
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: she does such just intensely focused intelligence, oh highly highly intelligent,
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: and has just such a way of describing these things.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: But she even said in that episode, it's okay to
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: use these like broad terms, right of, like I feel icky,
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: or I feel I just feel upset, or I feel
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: you know, but we're trying to make it more specific
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: to your body's sensations. So it's okay to say this
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: feels weird, this feels pumps right now, or you know, anything,
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: anything to just telling your body I'm noticing it here.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: That's the important part, is the maintaining of attention to
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: the area of your body that is having the somatic experience.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: And it's totally fine if you don't have the right words.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that, I really love that. Let's see,
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: I saw this online the other day. It's cruly unfair
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: that the person who wouldn't hurt him is the one
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: paying for his fear.
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: Huh.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: I'm typically a secure person, but this man has clearly
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: done a number on me. It's been seven months since
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: we broke it off. Wait, is that it? That's the
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: end of the post. I don't understand that one repeat
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: it because I didn't even understand this online the other day.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: It's cruely unfair that the person who wouldn't hurt him
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: is the one paying for his fear. Girl, that's too
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: deep for us. We're moving on what my brain can't
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: wrap around that.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: I sit and reread it a couple times and really
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: try to think, Yeah, I'm gonna have to Okay, here
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: we go.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: My ex is a DA or FA that leans so
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: avoidant that I cannot tell the difference, and I am FA.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: I haven't talked to him, but the last time I did,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: I told him I was not going to tolerate his
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: disrespect anymore, and then he blocked me. My question is
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: is it normal to feel numb during healing? Because I
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: feel numb, I feel nothing. I don't know if something's
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: wrong with me, or is this just me being over it?
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: Most people here seem pretty knowledgeable, so I wanted to
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: see what everyone thought. Well, guess what you're gonna get.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: Doctor Hensley's thoughts.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: No, you're dissociated. You're in a freeze response. It's not
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: normal to feel numb when you are over it and
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: you feel safe, you feel connected. To the present. You
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: feel deep joy, you feel excited about life in your future.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: You're not still looking back in the past at that relationship.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: You're fully ready to move, You're fully ready leaving it behind.
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: You're still thinking about it, and you're numb. You're just associated.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: You haven't even started to feel your feelings over this
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: grief and that loss. So no, you are not quote
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: over it. I know, as much as you want to be,
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: you are actually just your brain is decided to pull
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: you apart from your emotions so that you can't feel
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: because if you really had to confront the pain of
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: probably the rejection and the detachment and the loss and
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: the grief of this relationship, it would feel overwhelming. And
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: so you need to be able to have the tools
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: to have proper emotional processing to really make sure you
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: understand the stories you've built around this relationship and what
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: they mean about you and deconstruct those through you know,
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: the metacognitive work that I teach, or you know, whatever
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: other modalities you choose, and really to start processing this,
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: because it happens to a lot of people. They get
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: very dissociated and then they just move on. That's what
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: das do you know I always say the famous question
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: and ask somebody in the dating face to root out
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: a DA is, what did you do to heal from
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: your last relationship? They have no answer. They're like, I
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: don't know. I was just over it. Yeah, I just
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: had to move on. It just is what it just
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: is what it is. It was what it was. That's
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: going to be their answer because they don't heal, They
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: just suppress their pain and they move on to the
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: next partner.
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: So I'm sorry that's painful, but yeah.
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: And I love to help you.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: I mean, those modalities are easier so than done. But
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: that's what doctor Hansley's for, that's.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: What I do, That's what I'd love to help you.
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: Okay, So I had an explosive fight with my DA
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: I'm fa the worst we have had in our almost
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: seven year relationship. I was becoming more and more dysregulated
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: and pushing for connection more frequently, and it triggered his
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: anger really really bad. He called me some things that
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: someone who loves you should never say. He literally pushed
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: me out of his house and we haven't spoke since,
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: and I don't think we ever will again. Obviously, I'm
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: reeling right now. And trying to take care of my
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: kids barely hanging on by a thread, and the urge
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: to beat myself up and ruminate and check his socials
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: over and over is so intense right now. I don't
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: think there's any coming back this time.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: I need to pick up the pieces and move forward.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: I need tips on how to get through this. I
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: already have super low self esteem. What are ways I
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: can take care of myself right now and not ruminate?
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: Gosh? Well, first of all, it's very unlike a DA
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: to get that explosive, So I'm kind of questioning there
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: could be some other layers in there. I don't know. Possibly,
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: I have no idea. This is not me diagnosing anybody.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: Could there be narc traits? Could there be Could it
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: be an FA situation. The only time a DA will
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: get that reactive is if there if you trap them,
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: if you literally get very reactive in corner them and
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: they feel like they can't get out, And that could
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: have been what happened. If he literally pushed her out,
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: he might have felt like a trapped animal. That's the
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: only time they'll blow yeah, because their nervous system can't
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: run away. They can't get away. Right, they can't do
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: their shutdown. So sometimes das have anger problems. But there's
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: a little bit there's other things layered into that. But
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: it is time to move on.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: And and.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: Really, I mean it's the journey, is you know, the
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: awareness and accountability of what you contributed. Why did you
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: stay so long when your needs weren't being met? What
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: is going on with you? Yeah?
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: And what are the stories you're telling yourself when you ruminate?
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: That's a huge part of it because we ruminate and
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: don't really take any or we don't have any awareness
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: of what the thought really is. But the moment that
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: you start like stopping yourself and saying, well is that true?
• 31:43
  Speaker 3: Is that productive?
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah? No, it's not. And rumination is usually a sign
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: that the body is too scared to feel. So the
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: body is trying to protect itself through thinking. If I
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: can think through it and understand it, then it'll be better.
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: Now.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: You can search for a meeting until the end of time,
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: but the only way through is to actually feel it through. Right,
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: So that's go back to last last week's emotional processing
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: are two weeks ago. Emotional processing is basically called the
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: science behind healing.
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: Yes, the episode of the title.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: And of course our mindset and our stories are important
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: and are breaking down our attachment filter and understanding our
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: own human biases that are really keeping us stuck is important,
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: and that's a lot of what I teach, But really
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: just being able to feel through it and the rumination.
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: It's a constant dopamine circle. When you use imagery, your
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: nervous system sort of acts as if you're in that situation,
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: and you get the dopamine hit. Checking the social media
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: that's the dopamine hit, and the dopamine is keeping you.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: It's feel good, it's reward, it's keeping you from being
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: able to actually sit in your sadness and feel through
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: the grief and feel through the regret that you may
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: have for how you may have contributed to some of
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: these issues.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: And a lot of times I think, if you are
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: true FA, you know, checking socials constantly, is you just
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: looking for validation and betrayal so that you don't feel
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: so guilty about maybe what you did.
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: That's yeah, I'd say that's that's you absolutely be part
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: of it. And also just let me try to understand
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: trying to seek. So this is what I did my
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: master's thesis on and it's published in the Journal of
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: Bavioral Medicine. Maybe I can't remember. No, no, it's not
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: I can't remember.
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: That's not I cannot in the description.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: So my master's thesis was on this idea of searching
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: versus solving. Okay, so solving is like actively trying to
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: take steps to fix the fix an issue. Searching is
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: searching for meaning, right, like why did this happen? And
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: we need both, But we can get stuck in searching mode,
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: and searching mode it can go on till the end
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: of time because there aren't definitive answers a lot of
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: times of why someone did something. Sometimes, you know, once
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: you learn about attachment science, you get a better understanding
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: of why. But also, we're never going to know someone
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: else's inner world completely. We can have an idea of
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: their attachment, we can have an idea of their personality,
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: but what was the breaking point? Right? We don't really
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: know what are the story? What is the exact story
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: he's telling himself. We don't know. So you're not going
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: to figure that out by checking social media all the time.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: You're not going to figure out what's going through his
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: brain by ruminating. It's not serving you, and it's your
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: brain trying to think through what it really needs to
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: feel through. And it's also jointly a product of some
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: of the old biases and filter systems that are attached
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: to your wounding. So we would love to help you.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: I have a breakup course. We have a bundle where
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: we have the breakup course plus the Achieving Attachment Security
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: self pace coaching.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: You can always get the bundle, and then if you
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: still feel like you have some questions, you can always
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: add the calls on. You can add the group calls,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: and it'll pro rate the cost of the Achieving Attachment
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: Security course off because that's the course that comes with
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: the hybrid group. Yes, so that's always an option because
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: I want to be a little bit more specific with
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: her question, like where would you tell her to start,
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: like in terms of something really concrete. If she, like
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: say that her budget didn't allow for our services.
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: Take a sheet of paper and write down every single
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: thing that happened in the relationship that hurt you, and
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: write it out and look at it every single day.
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: There's actual scientific evidence that that helps you start to
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: move away from ruminating and checking socials. I would deactivate
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: social media for a while absolutely, and stick to it.
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: And then I would look at that PACEE paper every
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: single day, and then I would start a therapeutic journey.
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: You know, their therapy is covered by entrance. Unfortunately coaching
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: is not. I hate that about our healthcare system. But
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: we offer payment plans to We try to find a
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: service plus our payment planned option that will work for you.
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: Whether that's seeing one of our associate coaches like Coach
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: Amy who has the lowest price, or that's the self
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: paced program. We can break that up into payments at checkout.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: We want people to be able to have access to
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: our services. But the first thing you need to do
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: is write that list. And you need it because what
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: keeps us in rumination often is toxic hope. Is hope
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: that I could how could I have been different? What
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: could I have done different? You replay conversations, You have
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: future conversations that are not ever going to happen, potentially
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: in your head, and you are not present. And I
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: think it said she had children, right, and you are
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: not able to attune to your children in this state.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: So you need to act fast, and you need to
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: first and foremost get rid of the toxic hope. Have
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: radical acceptance of what was happening. Have radical acceptance of
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: how your needs weren't being met or how you felt
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: disrespected in this relationship. Have radical acceptance of what those
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: last moments actually how bad they actually were, and that's
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: usually it's probably that's that's not something you can come
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: back from. And then start the radical accept because you
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: need to that first. And then you need to start
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: the journey of radical acceptance of what is going on
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: with you and what went on with you in the relationship,
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: and what your wounds are and the work that you
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: need to do to become a secure person.
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: And then confidence will build from them. It will, you know,
• 37:47
  Speaker 3: I know that you know it will. It will. She
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: didn't have good self esteem.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: Confidence builds from those small little steps that you take daily,
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: whether it is just writing. You know, I've always said
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: writing really helps with any type of anxiety. Walking really
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: helps with it, you know.
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: And how to feel through it. Go listen to the
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: episode on emotional processing and try to use some of
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: those skills that were described, because that is going to
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: be the bread and butter of your healing, is really
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: feeling through it.
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: Do you dive into that stuff?
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: Girl? It's sounds cliche, but the only way out is through.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: Yes. I don't know about you, guys, but I know
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: during the holidays there's tons of packages coming to my house.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: I'm not always home, and we all know that there
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: are package pirates out there. So what do you do? Well,
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: I'll tell.
• 38:31
  Speaker 3: You what I did.
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: I purchased a new Dey Cove security system and I
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: think it's like less than a dollar a day.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: Yes, very affordable, and it's customizable, which means it's not
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: just a one size fits all product. It is a
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: product you can customize to your own unique home security needs.
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: Yes, and guys, listen, Sarah thinks I'm tech savvy, but
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: I'm really not. And I was able to put my
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: Cove system together all by myself.
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: I'm proud of you. Yes, I know, thank you.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: So it's affordable, convenient, it's going to keep people from
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: stealing your packages off your porch, which I cannot believe
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: is still a thing right with technology in the way
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: that everyone has a camera nowadays, but they still do.
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: What everybody does, so you might want to get one.
• 39:16
  Speaker 3: If you don't have one, they still do it.
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: So if you are looking for an affordable, convenient, easy
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: to put together. DIY home security system that is literally
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: made for anyone. Cove System is for you. You can
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: visit them at covesmart dot com, mention lovedoc and receive
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: ten percent off this one. You may or may not
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: be able to answer.
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: Don't know.
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: Does an ADHD diagnosis reduce chances of a DA reaching
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: out after discarding someone?
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: No, there's nothing to do with it. Yeah, there's nothing
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: to do with it. Everybody wants to blame everything in
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: the world on their ADHD. I have ADHD, A daughter
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: has ADHD. You can still be I'm a secure person
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: and have ADHD. My ADHD was CPTSD related and although
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: I think it's a little bit better now I've got
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: perimenim pause brain fag cloud in the issue. But no,
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: it has nothing to do with it.
• 40:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, do with it.
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: My Dax jumped into a new relationship and when talking
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: about why our relationship ended, he said, we had issues.
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: We went to couple's therapy, but we had major issues.
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: He also said I was emotionally checked out, not much
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: about what he did to heal or reflect. He got
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: into a new relationship very quickly after. Is this a
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: typical DA behavior? For the record, we went to roughly
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: four maybe five sessions of couple's therapy therapy before he
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: imploded and into the relationship. I'm sure you like because.
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: Therapy tanks with das, they tank, do it. They tank.
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: Unless you have an extremely attachment aware therapist that is
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: trained heavily in attachment science, they're going to tank. Yeah.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: I think we should hate this. I think we should
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: do a whole episode on that, so.
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: Stay tuned, stay tuned. I think that that can be
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: really interesting, make a lot of therapists mad.
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, and I mean we want to be clear,
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: that's not what we're trying to do. If anything, I
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: think that you can help therapist to become more aware
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: of this so that this can be a tool that
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: they can teach. Okay, we'll do a few more. Hi,
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: all would love to hear from fearful avoidance who broke
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: up with their partner. Let's not do that one, because
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: that's not really that's like to other people.
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: In the group.
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, do you think chat GBT is a bad idea
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: to get advice from? It seems to always take my
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: sign never offer constructive criticism.
• 41:35
  Speaker 3: To me, ding ding ding.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: I think we did an episode.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: We did.
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: We did an entire episode again. You know, it's so problematic.
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: I have been asked this question so many times, and
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: it's yes. I even had a couple that showed me
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: their identical chat GPT entrees about their fight. They wrote
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: the same exact script to CHATJEPT and one completely took
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: the wife's side and the other husband's the husband's side.
• 42:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's why it's dangerous, man, dangerous so you can
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: validate your way into crazy.
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: Yes land, it's happened, It has happened. Oh, this one
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: could be interesting. The best part of now being a
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: healed man is knowing, with my new relationship with my
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: FA partner, if you were, if you, I feel I
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: want to stop right.
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: There, yes, because I'm just yeah, I know we're going
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: to say it. Healed people don't put up with insecure people.
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: They don't. It doesn't feel good in their nervous system
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: anymore so. When I perfect example, when I was on
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: the tail end of my healing journey and I first
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: put myself out there, the very first guy that I met,
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: Donald was like the third guy that I met. Very
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: first guy that I met was a guy from Louisville,
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: he was an attractive guy, you know, kind of my type,
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: very successful business owner and my type. He was love
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: bombing me and I was proceeding with caution, but in
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: my head, I was like, this feels like love bombing.
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: And I even told him, I said a boundary. After
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: like two weeks of just talking to him. I said,
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: you're coming on kind of strong, and I would really,
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: I think I would just like to have a little
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: bit of a slower connection. He didn't respect the boundary,
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: he said, he said, I understand. I'm just so, you know,
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: I'm just so excited to meet you, you know, like
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: you're so beautiful and like you're funny, and I'm just
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm just getting really excited. You're right, you know,
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: I'll kind of slow it down. And he didn't really
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: respect that boundary. But we had a date already planned
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: coming up. I already bought an outfit. You know, I
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: was gonna be like, I'm giving it. It's a one
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: date shot, like I get a free get him free.
• 43:51
  Speaker 3: Dinner, Mama gotta eat, Mama gotta eat.
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: Poor single mother, really actually true single mom. Like an
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: hour before for the date, he calls me and he's
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: like actually I'm not over my ex blah blah blah
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: blah blah, and I was so close to canceling, like
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: but I was like, I know this isn't going to
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: work out, but I'm just gonna have this dinner because
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: this is love bombing. I noticed it felt icky in
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: my nervous system, and I had immediately identified it. He
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: was very anxiously attached I, and he was probably trying
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: to use me as a band aid for trying to
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: get right out get over a relationship he had just exited.
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: And then apparently she had come back around and wanted
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: to talk to him that night, and he's like, I
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: realized I'm not over her. And then he revealed he
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: had only been broken up with her for like two weeks.
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, sting ding ding by Radar was spot
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: freaking on. It was screaming AP, it was screaming AP,
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: and I knew it was not gonna I was gonna
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: go on the date. I was my parents, my girls
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: were visiting their grandma. I was all alone. I was
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: I was struggling with money a little bit, and alah
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: blah blah. Okay, not that I'm using him for a
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: dinner but I was also like, you know, I don't
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: want to be want somebody who just rules somebody out
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: without meeting them in.
• 45:12
  Speaker 3: Person actively dating, and it's fair and it's fair.
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: I was like, you know what, I'll give it an
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: in person shot just to confirm. But my nervous system
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: was already rejecting it. And before I would have eaten that,
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: I would have gulfed it down like like a delicious milkshoit.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: I just would I would have had no awareness around them,
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: around them. It would have felt happening so good to
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: my nervous it. Loved bombing felt so good to my
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: nervous system before. See. And so when you become secure,
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: your nervous system is your guidepost because you create so
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: much internal safety that when something it feels off, your
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: nervous system tells you immediately. That is why secure people
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: reject insecure people. And that is why insecure people are
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: inherently not attracted to secure people, because they don't ignite
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: the nervous system interfere.
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: And maybe, like I can think about the times that
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: I was love bombed when I was actively dating one
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: person in particular.
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: Call him mister S.
• 46:08
  Speaker 3: Mister S.
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: I knew it. You know, he loved bombed my dog
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: crap out of you and looking at I was insecure
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: and I saw it, yeah.
• 46:20
  Speaker 3: I know, gosh, Rachel, my sister saw it right up.
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: I saw it right right a gate, and I loved
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: love bombing back then, and I was like, girl, he's
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: love bombing.
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think, like I think back maybe at
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: the time, like when you just said, like love bombing
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: felt good to my nervous system back then. Gosh, but
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: maybe I'm just really I'm comparing it to like how
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: I can like from the lens that I see it now,
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: and gosh, my my, everything about that situation was screaming.
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: Run doesn't make you feel sick. It makes you nervous,
• 46:51
  Speaker 2: don't feel icky.
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: Well, And it's you know, there's certain people that I've
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: dated that I can look back at and be like
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: and have really beautiful fond memories. But he is one
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: I can I cannot, and it's like he I can't remember.
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: It wasn't too long ago. I saw something on social
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: media about him, and it was was triggered, was triggered,
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: And I don't really often get triggered by many exes
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: other than.
• 47:17
  Speaker 2: You know, the ex the one that I will call
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: him not your ex. I won't call him that main x,
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: considering he told me that he he said it, you're
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: not my ex.
• 47:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah, he said that I was never his ex.
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: We have a child, We have a child, We were
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: together for twelve years.
• 47:36
  Speaker 3: I think that solidifies that you were an ex.
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: I mean again, I I don't want to I want
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: to be careful what I say because well, I won't
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: get into it. But I think that, you know, he
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: maybe I.
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: Shouldn't guess what none of its defamation.
• 47:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe I shouldn't be It's my opinion.
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: It's her opinion. So in her opinion, it's her ex. Yeah,
• 48:01
  Speaker 2: and he was my worst that's my opinion. That's and
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: you guess what. You can't suit her over.
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: It's my opinion. He just happened to be my worst ex,
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: so I guess that made him my main x, right.
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: And you know he was the longest relationship I've ever had.
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: If you want to call it that, well, I'm doing
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: air quotations right now. Relationship alleged relationship, yeah, I mean yeah,
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: was it a shit show relationship?
• 48:23
  Speaker 3: Absolutely? But the fact that you know we shared.
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: A child, have we been threatened to suit be sued
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: a lot. Yeah, this podcast.
• 48:29
  Speaker 3: Yes, that's how you know you've made it, baby.
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: Because we've we've been threatened with many lawsuits. Yeah, and
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: guess what it's called success, baby, It's called success. We
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: know what's defamation and not defamation, and we ain't going there,
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: So that's right.
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: And you know what, I also for the record, because
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I ever got a really really
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: a chance to say this, is that I want only
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: wonderful things.
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: For and I know that deep in your heart I
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: want there's not else better for him.
• 49:01
  Speaker 3: I want him.
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: It's it's laughable at this point.
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I mean that from a genuine place because
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: and of course I want wonderful things for him, because
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: it's a reflection on our son.
• 49:14
  Speaker 2: And but that is I want wonderful things for him.
• 49:17
  Speaker 2: For his wife, you know, whom I don't even know.
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: You know, it's cute as she is adorable.
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: Once again, you out punted your coverage, buddy.
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: It's a thing anyway.
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: But I do want to just say that because I
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: don't know if I ever got to back a but
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: but I'm glad I got to say that I do
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: truly want good things for him.
• 49:38
  Speaker 3: Okay, last one. Last one we're.
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: Gonna do since we got a little sidetracked, let me
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: find a good one. This is a good one, doctor Sarah.
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: I have learned so much from you, and earning my
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: attachment and security has been one of the best things
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: that have ever happened.
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: So many I agree it is one of the best
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: things that can ever happen.
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: And then she goes on, because I'm going through divorce
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: with the DA I've wanted to make sure that I
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: learn and develop all the things I can during this time.
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: And I can attest to the fact that after finding you,
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: I have become the healthiest version of myself.
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: That makes me want to cry.
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: And then she goes on to say, are you offering
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: any programs for single people? Would love to hear from
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: anyone on the same path as well. I mean, obviously
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: all your programs are all my programs are for single people.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: Achieving your attachment security can happen when you're single or
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: when you're in a relationship. Yep, exactly, And so it
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: really doesn't matter the steps you take or the steps
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: you take, because even if you're coupled up, the only
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: journey you can control is your own so you can't
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: control your partner. So yes, absolutely join the hybrid group.
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: We want you there. We want you to sail through
• 50:50
  Speaker 2: this divorce as the best version of yourself.
• 50:53
  Speaker 3: And if you have children, stay tuned because.
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: The raising secure kids is coming. We just have a
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: lot of things in our repertoire right now that we're
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: working on. There's so many things, so but it's you know,
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: it's working itself out. Okay, this is going to be
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: the last one. I'm in a new relationship where I
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: honestly don't see any red flags so far awesome, which
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: feels really good. At the same time, I noticed part
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: of me is almost waiting for the other shoe to
• 51:18
  Speaker 2: drop o UFA.
• 51:20
  Speaker 3: I've been there.
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: I catch myself worrying about what might go wrong inside
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: of just instead of just enjoying what's happening for me
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: right now. For those of you who've worked through this
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: kind of anxiety, one, how do you handle the fear
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: of repeating old patterns when things are actually going well?
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: To what helps you stay grounded in the present instead
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: of bracing for future hurt. Those are really great questions.
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: Well, it's embedded into your nervous system to brace for
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: future hurt. So until you fiction your nervous system, this
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: is just how it's going to be. And you know
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: you can have all the awareness in the world. This
• 51:51
  Speaker 2: again where awareness is not equal capacity. When it gets tough,
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: that's when you are going to see how much the
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: awareness has affected you. It can change you a little bit,
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: but usually not to the degree that it needs to.
• 52:08
  Speaker 3: And safety can change you a little bit, but not.
• 52:10
  Speaker 2: It can change you a little bit, but they can't agree,
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: not to the degree your own inner work can. Right,
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: It never is going to be to the degree that
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: your own inner work can. So what can help you
• 52:20
  Speaker 2: stay grounded? Checking your thoughts, realizing that this rumination over
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: the what if it's not serving you? What if a
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: meteor falls on our head tomorrow for God to not
• 52:31
  Speaker 2: give us a spirit of fear, but one of power,
• 52:33
  Speaker 2: love and a sound mind. That's second Timpty one seven.
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: And so what is it serving you to be afraid?
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: It doesn't prevent disappointment? And I think so many people
• 52:43
  Speaker 2: are so scared of disappointment that they would rather predict
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: and expect disappointment than to face it in real time.
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: But guess what, You're gonna have to face it? In
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: real time anyway if it happens, So why not enjoy
• 52:54
  Speaker 2: the present? I think you need to focus on bringing
• 52:58
  Speaker 2: yourself back to the present. When you start showing signs
• 53:01
  Speaker 2: of being stuck in the future, like you realize, I'm
• 53:04
  Speaker 2: ruminating about the future. It's not serving you. The future
• 53:07
  Speaker 2: hasn't happened yet. And you have to learn to create
• 53:10
  Speaker 2: a nervous system through emotional processing completion, through sematic awareness,
• 53:15
  Speaker 2: through all of the things that I teach, and that
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: a lot of things that I've talked about on the pod,
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: to just feel safe being in the present moment. But
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: those two things are tied together. You can't be in
• 53:27
  Speaker 2: the present unless your nervous system feel safe. Yeah, and
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: so I can tell you to be in the present,
• 53:32
  Speaker 2: but it really is a capacity issue within your nervous
• 53:35
  Speaker 2: system that your nervous system is overriding your intention to
• 53:37
  Speaker 2: be in the present. So do the somatic work, do
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: the emotional processing work. Be aware of when your mind
• 53:44
  Speaker 2: is coming there, bring it back. Realizes it's not serving you.
• 53:48
  Speaker 2: Master your mindset, show yourself some grace, show yourself some
• 53:51
  Speaker 2: grace and mercy, and realize that being scared of disappointment
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: doesn't prevent disappointment.
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: No, And I know it sounds cliche, but if somebody
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: can't love you at your worst, like can they really
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: love you at your best? You know, so so showing
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: up authentically, you know. That's I relate to this question
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: so much because this is really how it felt in
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: the beginning of Mind Josh's relationship. I was seeing no
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: red flags. He was like, you know, hitting all the
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: you know, all the points of.
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: Like okay, past that test, Okay, past that test, Okay,
• 54:23
  Speaker 2: I know, and you were like, I don't know what
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: to do. This guy is like normal, and I was
• 54:26
  Speaker 2: so scared.
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: I was so scared of myself. Really, that's what I
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: was most scared of, just screwing it up. Yeah, screwing
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: it up and not and that whole thing that we
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: did in the last episode of of My FA traits,
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: feeling like I was either too much or not enough
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: and finding that balance between, like really just telling myself, Hey,
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: if I'm too much for this person, this person isn't
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: isn't the right person for me?
• 54:49
  Speaker 3: That's right, period.
• 54:51
  Speaker 2: So authenticity. You have to be authentic. Guys, your nervous
• 54:55
  Speaker 2: system will never feel good unless you're yourself and that's
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: a cliche too, but it's it's so true.
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: And if you don't that person who is showing up securely,
• 55:06
  Speaker 1: like if this person is truly secure and they're not
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: showing you any red flags, you're in authenticity will be
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: a red flag to them. And that's what was big
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: with Josh and me is he saw through that. I
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: mean from the beginning when because I've told the story
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: once before, but on our second date, I kept saying like, hey,
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: well we should hang out again, but no pressure, like
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: I would always follow up every sentence with no pressure.
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: And man, I'll never forget this moment because it was
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: a pivotal moment in our relationship where he said, you
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: don't have to finish every sentence you say to me
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: with no pressure. If I didn't want to be here,
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't And that was so sexy. I was just
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: so sexy because that was just it made me feel safe.
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: It made me feel safe, and it made me be like, Okay,
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: you know what, I can show up as me.
• 55:56
  Speaker 3: I don't have to. I don't have to have this guard.
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: I don't have to feel like Okay, well maybe he
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: doesn't want to. He just told me, which is helpful.
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: And that's why I said, it can help to have
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: someone that makes you feel safe get to that point,
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: but you still have to do that inner work because
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: even after I had that safety, lots of my fa
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: trades still came out that I had to work through.
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: Ye and she'll had to work through it, still am
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: working through and now we're married.
• 56:26
  Speaker 2: So I mean that just goes to show it's the
• 56:28
  Speaker 2: inner work again. Yeah, it is the inner work. And
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: someone secure is willing to be with someone who is
• 56:37
  Speaker 2: very actively working on their insecurity and catching it and
• 56:40
  Speaker 2: correcting it and doing the work that will feel okay
• 56:43
  Speaker 2: to a secure person's right, because security doesn't mean you
• 56:46
  Speaker 2: get it right all the time anyway. It's the ability
• 56:49
  Speaker 2: to catch it, to correct it and to take accountability
• 56:51
  Speaker 2: and to repair it properly. And I think Josh saw
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: that in you, absolutely, and so that is part of
• 56:57
  Speaker 2: you know, he might have he might have been through
• 57:00
  Speaker 2: some there, through some of the tail end of your work,
• 57:03
  Speaker 2: and he may have been something that pulled you faster
• 57:05
  Speaker 2: into security. But again, nobody that has earned secure is
• 57:12
  Speaker 2: ever going to get it right one hundred percent at
• 57:13
  Speaker 2: the time.
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, even the people that are born secure Josh doesn't
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: get it right all the time.
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, nobody is secure. Is just it's the
• 57:21
  Speaker 2: ability that to when you get it wrong, quickly correct,
• 57:27
  Speaker 2: quickly repair. It's not digging your heels in into your dysfunction.
• 57:34
  Speaker 2: That's really the difference between secure and insecure. Insecure they
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: dig their heels in their dysfunction, They justify their dysfunction.
• 57:41
  Speaker 2: And secure people are able to have that objective lens
• 57:44
  Speaker 2: and be like, whoa, I kind of screwed that up,
• 57:46
  Speaker 2: and what is it going to take to repair it
• 57:49
  Speaker 2: with you? And they usually don't screw it up to
• 57:51
  Speaker 2: the point of like no return either. So there's that.
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and once you realize those things, it's absolutely life changing.
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: It's life changing, life changing and you say you're sorry, Yeah, yeah, it's.
• 58:03
  Speaker 3: In it science, you know, but I meant it.
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: But we understand that, you know, it takes certain modalities
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: to walk you through those things. And obviously doctor Hensley
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: offers all of this is exactly what she does. This
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: is exactly what we do with the Love Doc. And
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: our mission is of course to be able to teach
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: people healthy, secure love, not just for their partners, but
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: mostly for themselves, so that you can show up as
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: the best healthiest version of yourself. And you even heard
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: us say it right here in this episode, from the
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: words from the mouth of someone who is in the group,
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: that doctor Hensley has helped her show up as the
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: healthiest version of herself. And there's a ton of testimonies
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: out there like that. And for all of those who
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: have left those testimonies, thank you so much.
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: You.
• 58:46
  Speaker 3: Yes, they're powerful.
• 58:47
  Speaker 2: They are powerful, and they keep us going on the
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: days when our technology is bonkers or something falls through
• 58:54
  Speaker 2: or we had a bot leave. We had a bot one.
• 58:57
  Speaker 3: Hundred and seventy one one zero star review.
• 59:00
  Speaker 2: One hundred and seventy one zero star reviews on our
• 59:02
  Speaker 2: website from a bot. Yeah, that infiltrated our website, and
• 59:05
  Speaker 2: our it guy was like, oh, it's a bot. I'll
• 59:07
  Speaker 2: take care of it. And I'm like, I didn't even
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: know that was a thing. And so my mom calls
• 59:12
  Speaker 2: me flipping out, and I'm like, Mom, don't tell me
• 59:15
  Speaker 2: this right now. Yeah, Rain already said she'd take care
• 59:17
  Speaker 2: of it. I'm just gonna close my eyes and I'm
• 59:19
  Speaker 2: gonna do do my neural feedback and do my soul
• 59:21
  Speaker 2: this technique right now. Yeah, I don't know if somebody
• 59:23
  Speaker 2: because at first I thought somebody's trolling me, like somebody's
• 59:26
  Speaker 2: like actively trying to like hurt me for whatever reason.
• 59:30
  Speaker 2: Maybe I said something and encourage their partner to leave
• 59:33
  Speaker 2: the relationship or something, and they're they're coming after me.
• 59:35
  Speaker 2: Now it was a bot.
• 59:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was the bot.
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: Ever, And that's the thing, Like, that's why I have
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: to have the mentality I have with you know, helping
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: dog run this business. If I have to have the mentality,
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: is somebody dying or bleeding, Okay, then it's not the
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: end of the world's word.
• 59:48
  Speaker 3: That's not involved.
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: Serah, she's got too much going on. Let's just figure
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: it out and let's move on. So anyway, please please,
• 59:55
  Speaker 1: I think.
• 59:55
  Speaker 2: This is don't be a bot.
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, leave, it was a nice re You leave us
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: a nice review on the podcast.
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 3: Leave.
• 1:00:02
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• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: know they've been beneficial for you, please leave us a
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: review on the website as well, and please keep listening
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: tuning in. We read all of your emails, guys. I
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: try to read all of the testimonies. I go in
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: and review those two So please please continue to listen,
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: and until next time, peace, love, and perspective.