Latest / Dear Chelsea / So Gay For You with Leisha Hailey & Kate Moennig

Transcript

So Gay For You with Leisha Hailey & Kate Moennig · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Chelsea, how are you. How's Europe?
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: Hi, Catherine, Oh my god, I am I honestly, first
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: of all, I don't even know where to begin. I
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: just walked I think twenty seven thousand steps. We're in
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: Edinburgh today. My cousin's here, Molly, as you know. Mollie.
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: Yes, her husband has crashed our party with their four
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: year old, and I split off with them after her
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: four year old said Mommy for the seven hundredth time
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: in under one hour.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: I was like, you really are patient, and it's not
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: enough to walk twenty steps ahead of you. I need
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: to go listen to a political podcast while I walk home.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: But I honestly feel like one of my hips, like
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: I got this great SI belt thing because my s
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: I joint always pops out. When I was skiing all winter.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: It was kind of annoying me. So it's been amazing.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: So anyone who's listening who has SI problems, like where
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: your hip kind of pops out, you got to get
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: one of these belts because it keeps everything in place.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: I don't want to really be promoting Amazon, but I
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: did order it on Amazon, and when I say I
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: ordered it, somebody else ordered it for me. So I
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: want to be very transparent about everything I say. But
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: we're having the best time in Europe. We've had the
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: most amazing shows. It's been so wonderful to be able
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: to apologize on behalf of our administration.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: And just America as a whole, and.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: Really convey my apologies to our former allies. We have
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: hit the ground running in every city. Every time we land,
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: they say it's going to be raining, and then we
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: land and the sun is out. It happens everywhere. Rekuvic, Paris.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: We had two days in Paris. We had an amazing
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: time in Amsterdam. Stockholm was absolutely gorgeous, Oslo, then we
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: went to Belfast. We were in Belfast with sunny. Yamanika
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: was in Belfast with us, so they didn't know what
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: the fuck hit them. London, London was incredible. We were
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: in Glasgow two nights ago. So today is the day off.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: In Edinburgh, we had yes starting off and then I
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: think tomorrow we go to Zurich. All right, So it's
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: been absolutely wonderful. The crowds are amazing. I'm just I
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: really feel so happy to be here and to be
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: spreading like you know, the vibes.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad, thank you.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: How are you.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: I'm great, you know.
• 2:19
  Speaker 4: I've just had a couple weeks of like a little
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: bit of downtime, had some barbecues.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: It's been really really nice, so very relaxing.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's nice. That's nice. We've had some incredible food here,
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: incredible food everywhere. And Edinburgh is like one of the
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: most beautiful cities in the world. I hadn't been here
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: for like thirty years. I came with one of my
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: boyfriends when I was like twenty years old, and it
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: is so old and so preserved, and they don't have
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: high rises, and it's not gross with all the stores.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: I mean they have sections of like you know, Gucci
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: and Fendi and all that, which is fine, but they
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: don't it's just beautiful and the cobblestone streets and the
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: castles everywhere, and it's just been gorgeous here. So we
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: went on a long, long walk today and I had
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: a big blood blister when I came home, so that
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: was really satisfying to pop. And then I am going
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: to take a Xanax tonight and prepare for I'm taking
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: the day off of drinking, even though I already had
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: a drink at lunch, taking the night off of drinking
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: because I need to have a clear head since tomorrow
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: night I have a show, and I'm just really grateful.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: I'm just I'm reading great books.
• 3:27
  Speaker 4: Yeah, oh, we got to do a Minnesota book ground up. Well,
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: if there's anything what you'll mention right now.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: There's a really good book. This isn't a new book
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: that's out, but I just read it. It's called Red
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: Notice by Bill Browder and it's all about Russia. And
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: he's this big finance investment guy who started investing in
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: Russia after they it changed from communism to quote unquote
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: capitalism and they privatized everything and it's a fascinating rate.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: So of course, you know, I sent that to my
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: half of my family. I'm like, here's the country you defend.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: And then I got that book The Emperor of Gladness.
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: Oh sho did you hear about this book?
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know this one.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: It's heavy.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: I know her, but I haven't read that book.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is just came out and this is supposed
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: to be great. And then I read Morality by Jonathan Sacks.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: We'll go over all of that. I just wanted to
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: remember what morality was in these times anyway, So everything's great.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Doug is living up a storm in Canada. He's going
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: from house to house to house. People are there's a
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: waiting list to hang out with him. So and I
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: won't see him until I do my show in Vegas
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: on July fifth, So that's when I come back to America.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: July fifth, everybody, I'll be in Vegas.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Awesome. What other dates do you have coming up in
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Europe for the next week or two?
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: Everything in Europe is sold out, so oh, no, Barcelona
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: I think has tickets. Barcelona, I believe is June second,
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: So if you're yeah, Barcelona has tickets, but everything else
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: is sold out. And I didn't want to add any
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: second shows because I have I'd have to do them
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: the same night, and I'm like, I just can't. I
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: can't do two shows in a night when.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I don't have to totally.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: So I'll have to come back sooner than later because
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: I've just been having the best time here and I'm
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: just so grateful. That's the word of the day is gratitude.
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: Well, listen, you're bringing joy and apparently literal sunshine to
• 5:11
  Speaker 4: every city who go to So that's great.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: I know, my cousin keeps going every morning. Molly goes, oh,
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: my god, can you believe we keep changing the weather.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: It's supposed to rain, and we keep changing the weather.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: And I wanted to go it's not you, it's me,
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: because I've been doing this since I was born. And
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: we were on the phone. We were on the phone
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: with my sister. We're going to Greece in a couple
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: of weeks for my sister's big birthday, like twelve of
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: us of the girls in the family, and my sister goes, well,
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: if Chelsea's coming, we're gonna have sunshine. Molly goes, oh,
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: everywhere we go there's been sunshine, and they've been it's
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: been forecasting rain and everywhere we go sunshine and she goes, oh, yeah,
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: Chelsea always brings the good weather. And Molly's like, no,
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: I thought it was me, And I was like, well,
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but it really
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: has enough in.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: Its very Molly. Sorry, Molly. And you know what, if
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: you can't get tickets.
• 5:57
  Speaker 4: To Chelsea's sold out shows in Europe, you can check
• 5:59
  Speaker 4: out her special.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: Oh yes, you could check out my special The Feeling,
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: which is so funny all these European people are like,
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: we didn't want to watch your Feeling because we thought
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: it was going to be the same material as what
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: you're doing. Now I'm like, no, no, no, I have
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: a whole new hour, bitches, I'm ready to rumble. Excellent,
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: I have a whole new hour about not vacationing with
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: your family. Okay, So today's episode we have well, you know,
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: our guests from The l Word and their podcast Pants.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: They have co written a new memoir and it's called
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: So Gay for You, which I read, which is delightful,
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: and it's all about their experiences on the show and
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: be on the show. Please welcome to Captain Lesbians, Lesha
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: Haley and Kate Mennig. Congrats on the book, you ladies.
• 6:43
  Speaker 5: Thank you.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, how excited, Thank you very much. Yeah wild, I know, yeah,
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: I never thought.
• 6:49
  Speaker 5: This would happen. Really yeah, this was never on my
• 6:52
  Speaker 5: bucket list.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: But let us talk about it' k happening. So welcome
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: to the podcast.
• 6:55
  Speaker 6: Thanks thanks for having us.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: Very excited about your new book, So Gay for You.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: I was reading this on a plane and then I
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: and then and the gay flight attendant.
• 7:07
  Speaker 7: It was mail.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: He was like, m hmmm, and I'm like, uh huh,
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: And I'm like I had no idea what he was
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: talking about. And then when I put when I finished
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: it and closed it, I was like, oh, I see what.
• 7:17
  Speaker 5: He's talking about.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I love this cover of the two of you?
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: And what took you so long to write a book
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: about how you met? How like how the show started?
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: What took you so long?
• 7:30
  Speaker 8: I mean, we're like a couple of dumb dumb actors,
• 7:33
  Speaker 8: no one ever, like, we never thought we could do this,
• 7:35
  Speaker 8: and then the.
• 7:36
  Speaker 5: Opportunity got brought up to us and we thought, sure,
• 7:39
  Speaker 5: why not.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you seem like you don't think you can do
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: much of anything because like what's of you?
• 7:46
  Speaker 6: It's like self esteem issues. That's really funny. That's your takeaway.
• 7:50
  Speaker 5: You always yeah, it's true. You always say that the
• 7:52
  Speaker 5: dumb dumbs. But we never thought well writing. I mean listen, well.
• 7:56
  Speaker 8: We barely graduated and and we didn't go to college,
• 8:00
  Speaker 8: graduated high school and I didn't go to college and
• 8:01
  Speaker 8: I just wrote my seventh books.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: So that is not a barrier. I'm not anul.
• 8:05
  Speaker 6: What I think of you and I go, oh, she's.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: Really I love it. I hope my sisters are listening. No,
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: in the book you talk about you tried to turn
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: down this role. Yeah, so you didn't think you could
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: do that. You were in a band. You're still in
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: a band, but you were in a different band then, right,
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: And you got the offer for the role, turned it
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: down one, two, three times? Three times?
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: Was no?
• 8:30
  Speaker 6: Three?
• 8:30
  Speaker 8: Yeah, I that I didn't turn it down because I
• 8:33
  Speaker 8: didn't think I could do it. It's because I was
• 8:34
  Speaker 8: in like a codependent band relationship and I was like,
• 8:37
  Speaker 8: I'm going to leave my band mate and ruin her
• 8:41
  Speaker 8: life and go I don't know, it just felt wrong.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Right, Well, that's wrong. You know, that doesn't make any sense.
• 8:47
  Speaker 6: I know.
• 8:47
  Speaker 8: I it was a choice I was about to make
• 8:50
  Speaker 8: that would have changed my life forever.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: I think you had a friend who like saved you
• 8:53
  Speaker 4: from that bad decision, right, Yes, like total do it,
• 8:57
  Speaker 4: you gotta do it?
• 8:58
  Speaker 8: Yeah, And no, well to like Heather, who is my bandmate.
• 9:02
  Speaker 8: We just we were in something that we were like,
• 9:04
  Speaker 8: we're going to do this forever. You know, when you're
• 9:06
  Speaker 8: that young, you're like, yeah, have you ever been in that.
• 9:08
  Speaker 6: Where you're in a.
• 9:10
  Speaker 8: Working relationship with someone that you're like, this is for
• 9:13
  Speaker 8: the rest of our lives.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: I mean I feel like that almost about any relationship, right,
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: Like when things are going well, you're like, we'll be
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: together forever. Yeah, but the reality of that actually coming
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: to fruition is like no, I know, you know, their
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: breakups and all the time, and then there's creative evolution,
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: so you move on to other things and other outlets,
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: and then you're like, oh, okay, well obviously you can't
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: work with everybody. It's a great idea, but it's kind
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: of like a marriage, which is you know why those
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: typically don't work. Yeah, okay, So let's start at the beginning.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: So you guys open this book with your with your
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: auditions for the Elk. Yes, and so what year was this?
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Do we remember to?
• 9:51
  Speaker 5: June two thousand and two.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: June two thousand and two, okay, so that's like twenty
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: twenty something. It was a long time ago. Yeah, yes,
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: And you met each you saw each other, yeah, yeah
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: at the audition because you were auditioning for the same
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: role originally.
• 10:05
  Speaker 5: Yeah. We Yeah. I was told my manager said there's
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: only one other person who's going to be reading for
• 10:11
  Speaker 5: this part, and I said okay, because it was a specific.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: Kind of and you came out from I flew out
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: from New York.
• 10:17
  Speaker 5: Because I was on the East coast then. And my
• 10:19
  Speaker 5: manager is like, I can do some digging find out
• 10:21
  Speaker 5: who it is. And I said, no, no, no, no no.
• 10:22
  Speaker 5: I was like, let me just go there. This is
• 10:24
  Speaker 5: pressurrey enough. And I walk in and I saw the
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: back of her head and her hair was like whisping
• 10:30
  Speaker 5: out in the back.
• 10:31
  Speaker 6: Well you remember this, Lek, Yes, it was.
• 10:36
  Speaker 5: You know what I'm saying. It's like we had a
• 10:37
  Speaker 5: lot of layers. Yeah, we had layers in the whole thing.
• 10:41
  Speaker 5: And compared to every other actor out there playing reading
• 10:44
  Speaker 5: for another role who had long hair, I just saw
• 10:46
  Speaker 5: the back of her head and I thought that's it.
• 10:49
  Speaker 5: And then that's it. I was like, that's her, that's it.
• 10:52
  Speaker 5: I was like, that's that's that's my competition. And so
• 10:55
  Speaker 5: they ushered actors reading for another role to the one side.
• 10:58
  Speaker 5: We went off to the other side and and we
• 11:00
  Speaker 5: just sat in an echo week quiet hallway for about
• 11:02
  Speaker 5: forty five minutes, just kind of nodding and smiling at
• 11:05
  Speaker 5: each other, trying to be polite.
• 11:06
  Speaker 8: And a lot of people find this hard to believe
• 11:08
  Speaker 8: that I was up for the role that Kate ended
• 11:10
  Speaker 8: up getting because it's like this sexual lithario like but
• 11:15
  Speaker 8: I think it might have just been my like funky hair.
• 11:18
  Speaker 8: I don't know why I was up for this role,
• 11:20
  Speaker 8: but I had there was something about me. But there
• 11:22
  Speaker 8: was no way in hell. There was no way in
• 11:25
  Speaker 8: hell I was meant for that part right right, like
• 11:28
  Speaker 8: it was Kate's.
• 11:29
  Speaker 5: Yeah, of course, but I didn't know that. I thought, oh,
• 11:31
  Speaker 5: she's got this in the.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Bag because you have the comb right.
• 11:34
  Speaker 8: I had to come because like the fawns.
• 11:38
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, she showed up with the prop and I
• 11:40
  Speaker 5: thought that's it. I was like, that's the secret to
• 11:42
  Speaker 5: this whole thing. And I never thought of doing that.
• 11:44
  Speaker 5: And I slept all the way out here from the
• 11:46
  Speaker 5: other coast and it's over before it even started, Like
• 11:50
  Speaker 5: I thought I was done auditioning.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Fucking sucks.
• 11:52
  Speaker 5: It's horrible.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: I mean, it is really one of the most I think.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's what turned me off of acting. When
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: I got out here. Thank goodness I could do other
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: things because I was like, I don't know how I'm
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: going to nail this. Yeah, it's so unnatural. What an
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: unnatural environment and it's degrading and you know, you're sitting
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: there like cattle waiting outside a room and then going
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: in and everyone's competing that that energy is so bad
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: for the soul.
• 12:17
  Speaker 6: Yeah, trying to not compeding, but you all know.
• 12:21
  Speaker 5: And then you get and then you get called into
• 12:22
  Speaker 5: the room and it's whatever the circumstances that you're meant
• 12:26
  Speaker 5: to be reading for, it's just it's always going to
• 12:28
  Speaker 5: be unnatural. But you have to somehow make it look like,
• 12:30
  Speaker 5: oh no, this is completely normal, and like we're in
• 12:33
  Speaker 5: this intimate experience and we're not.
• 12:34
  Speaker 6: And now we don't even do that anymore.
• 12:36
  Speaker 5: No, now we go on zooms and we control it
• 12:38
  Speaker 5: or still better, yeah, better, but it's that has its
• 12:42
  Speaker 5: own set of problems.
• 12:42
  Speaker 8: But yeah, I want to hear about your like your
• 12:46
  Speaker 8: audition process or what you were.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: Well. Let me, I once auditioned for a Nike commercial.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: I mean this wasn't a serious thing obviously, but I
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: have tons of audition stories. But at some point, at
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: a certain point, I.
• 12:56
  Speaker 5: Was like, rshoals, that's that was your thing.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: No, I never was my thing. I never booked one.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: But I once auditioned for a Nike commercial and they
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: had me and I had to wear short shorts. So
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: I remember getting up in the morning in Santa Monica
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: and I ran six miles so that my legs were like,
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: you know, like like a throbbing penis, basically like they
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: were at peak muscle, like you know, you know, after
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: a run was when they're like the strongest. And I
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: was young. I was like in my twenties. And then
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I got it and they were like, okay, you know,
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: this is a dance commercial, so just like do whatever,
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: you know, just dance. And I cannot dance. I have
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: no rhythm, I can't sing, and I can't dance. Anyone
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: who sees me dance it's like, oh wow, but I'm
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: now I'm met like I'm fifty. So I'm like, fuck it,
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: who cares if I'm a bad dancer. I've already proven
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: that I'm good at other things, not dancing. But that's
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: not going to stop me. You know, I'll just take
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: whatever drugs I need to get me on the dance floor.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: And I remember in the moment, not knowing that I
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: had to dance, and them telling me, and it was
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: a bunch of Asian people and that were and I
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: just basically blacked out, like I blacked out and just
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: started running and doing aerobics and just whatever the most
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: humiliating version of that could have been was what I did.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: And I didn't look anyone in the eye. I just
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: kept spinning around. I was doing it. At one point
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: I did a jumping jack and then I was like
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: two stepping, and then I ran in certain directions, but
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: that there was a wall, and all I remember is
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: when is this going to be over? When is this
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: going to be over? And I remember just running out
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: the door. I said thank you, goodbye, ran out the door,
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: and I called my agent and I was like, I
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: don't want to audition for commercials anymore, and I know dancing.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: And after that I stopped auditioning for commercials because I
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: was like, this is too sure. I can't do. I
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: can't subject myself to this kind of shame, Like I'm
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: too confident of a person. This will ruin me. And
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: it wasn't long after that that I stopped auditioning for
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: television stuff too, Like if it was an auditioned situation,
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: I'm like, that's not my strong suit. You have to
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: audition so many times to be good at it, except
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: in your case, you weren't auditioning a lot to be
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: good at it. You just nailed it.
• 15:01
  Speaker 8: Well, yeah, I guess it was meant to be. But
• 15:03
  Speaker 8: I've since that role, I've never really booked much of anything.
• 15:08
  Speaker 7: Like.
• 15:08
  Speaker 8: That's the funny thing about my stories, Like I got
• 15:10
  Speaker 8: this like iconic show, but have like failed as an
• 15:14
  Speaker 8: actress ever since. Really yeah yeah, Like and then the
• 15:18
  Speaker 8: reboot happened again and I was like, Okay, I'm back
• 15:20
  Speaker 8: to play this part again, and then crickets again. It's
• 15:23
  Speaker 8: really and I've made peace with it. I'm like, I
• 15:25
  Speaker 8: guess that's what I was supposed to do.
• 15:27
  Speaker 6: Or I can't do. I don't know what it is,
• 15:29
  Speaker 6: but it's it's wild.
• 15:31
  Speaker 5: You may count thanks. That is wild.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that is frustrating. Also, it must have been
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: really frustrating for until you made peace with it.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:40
  Speaker 8: I mean when the show ended, I thought, Okay, great,
• 15:42
  Speaker 8: I'm gonna go on to do I mean I did
• 15:44
  Speaker 8: do it.
• 15:44
  Speaker 5: Lisha did a thing where when we the show ended,
• 15:47
  Speaker 5: the original show ended, Lisha had a band and she said,
• 15:49
  Speaker 5: I'm going to go off touring. Yeah, the band And
• 15:52
  Speaker 5: whenever anytime you're you're coming off a long running show,
• 15:55
  Speaker 5: everyone not everyone, but sort of this unspoken thing where
• 15:58
  Speaker 5: people realize, oh, you have like a to kind of
• 16:01
  Speaker 5: see where you can take that influence and maybe directed
• 16:06
  Speaker 5: into a different into another job, right, And that's when
• 16:08
  Speaker 5: you took off.
• 16:09
  Speaker 6: And yeah, and everyone else went on to do so
• 16:11
  Speaker 6: other things.
• 16:11
  Speaker 5: Everyone else was like trying to utilize that little momentum.
• 16:14
  Speaker 5: We had to say, Oh, let's see if it's just good.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: How many years was the l word on?
• 16:17
  Speaker 8: It was six season, six seasons the original was six
• 16:21
  Speaker 8: and three in the.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Reboot and three in the reboot. And did you direct
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: one of the episodes from the reboot?
• 16:25
  Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, which something always wanted to do. But yeah,
• 16:29
  Speaker 8: it's the life of an actor kind.
• 16:30
  Speaker 5: Of, it's not. It's not for the faint at heart.
• 16:33
  Speaker 5: And now it's shifted in a completely different way that.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: How do you think it's shifted now?
• 16:39
  Speaker 5: Well, for one, you can't get into rooms anymore, so
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: everything's just based on your zoom audition, so there's never
• 16:45
  Speaker 5: any feedback. And because there's so many mergers and all
• 16:49
  Speaker 5: these companies are either forming or breaking apart, it's it's
• 16:53
  Speaker 5: nothing is safe. I think part of the reason why
• 16:55
  Speaker 5: why our reboot got canceled is because of a merger,
• 16:58
  Speaker 5: and you just even when a project seems like it's
• 17:01
  Speaker 5: going to be great, well well maybe not because either
• 17:03
  Speaker 5: our company is going to fold into another one or
• 17:07
  Speaker 5: that's no longer the direction, or a new president is
• 17:09
  Speaker 5: coming in, and it's just this nothing settled yet.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so weird. It's like there's so much money
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: in entertainment and there's so many platforms now, yet there
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: seems to be like a contraction happening, you know, severe contraction,
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: and it doesn't really add up because all the money's
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: at the top, you know, they don't want to distribute
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: it down like evenly to anyone. So it's just like greedy, greedy, greedy.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: I guess it's a reflection of what's happening in Washington, really,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: you know, it's kind of the same thing. It's like
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: people are so greedy they don't want to pay. But
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: so talk let's talk about the experience of being on
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: the L word. What that meant to you, because it
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: was really the only show about lesbians and such a
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: huge success on Showtime.
• 17:49
  Speaker 5: Right, did you ever see it?
• 17:51
  Speaker 7: Yeah?
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: Of course, of course.
• 17:52
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: And you don't think only lesbians watched it?
• 17:55
  Speaker 5: No, Actually, for fact, a lot of straight women.
• 17:58
  Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, they really identified with the friendships.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: I think, yes, yeah, let's talk about that. Let's talk
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: about the French. It's so funny because with heterosexual people
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: like it's I just had this conversation the other day,
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: like I think, or maybe it was somebody who called
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: into the podcast. We were talking about like you wouldn't
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: be talking about these feelings if it wasn't a straight
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: man and you were a straight woman. And they were
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: both like you know, in other relationships, and they were
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: talking about their friendship and if there were feelings, and
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: it's like, oh, you can have male friends without having
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: sexual feelings. But at the inception of meeting every man
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: and woman when there's a HEATERO, when they're both heterosexual,
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: there's always the glance over of like what I fuck you? Yeah?
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: Am I attracted to you? Do I find you attractive?
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: Like that's the first thing that comes to your mind?
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: And because of how we've all been trained, you know,
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: like and this, but with lesbians and friendships, I want
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: to explore that more and talk about that because that
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: was depicted on the show so well, well we.
• 18:57
  Speaker 6: Will assume that like if your friends, you're.
• 19:00
  Speaker 5: Obviously going to be sleeping.
• 19:02
  Speaker 6: It's the same thing.
• 19:04
  Speaker 5: Like everyone shocked that Lisha and I have never crossed
• 19:06
  Speaker 5: that line because it's such a rarity, actually because a
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: lot of it's I do. I think kind I do. Yeah,
• 19:14
  Speaker 5: It's normal for like two women to like be together
• 19:17
  Speaker 5: at one point, break up, and then ten years down
• 19:19
  Speaker 5: the line they're best friends, like to the point where
• 19:21
  Speaker 5: they're family. You and I we never know.
• 19:24
  Speaker 6: Never, we never crossed, and we never wanted to.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Never.
• 19:26
  Speaker 6: It never would bring to either one of us.
• 19:28
  Speaker 5: No, that would just be unnatural.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: I find when lesbian, all of my lesbian friends, when
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: one of them breaks up, like six of them break up.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: It happens in seasons, like so when they break up
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: with a partner, a long term partner is domino. It's
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: a domino effects.
• 19:44
  Speaker 5: Interesting.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: Right now I'm experiencing three sets of lesbian couples that
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: are breaking up.
• 19:48
  Speaker 6: I have major relationships.
• 19:50
  Speaker 5: You're like, I've never I'm going to pay attention to that.
• 19:53
  Speaker 5: I've never noticed it.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: I know, it's very strange. I mean, I think that's
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: the advantage of being a straight person and being so
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: immersed in lesbian in world. I have so many lesbians
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: in my life, so I get the best of both worlds.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: I assume at some point I will transition into being
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: a full blown lesbian just because the writing is on
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: the wall there. So I guess they're just waiting for
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: me to come over.
• 20:13
  Speaker 5: Yeah, you'd be welcome to your open arms, of course.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: So what was the experience like of being able to
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: depict that in a truthful, healthy way, like what like
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: sharing that experience together?
• 20:29
  Speaker 5: Well, it's interesting because I think the perception outside of
• 20:32
  Speaker 5: our show is that it was so it was only
• 20:35
  Speaker 5: designed for the male gaze, and that was a lot
• 20:37
  Speaker 5: of critique we always heard. And Yeah, everyone thought, oh,
• 20:41
  Speaker 5: it's only for straight men to get off on into
• 20:43
  Speaker 5: like and it's clearly being directed.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: Why is every everything's for to serve up to straight man?
• 20:47
  Speaker 5: Precisely? And the irony is that the whole show was
• 20:49
  Speaker 5: run by women and and written by Yeah, and so
• 20:54
  Speaker 5: it actually had like you said this before, and it's
• 20:58
  Speaker 5: true that like women can sexualize each other as well.
• 21:01
  Speaker 5: It wasn't just objectified and objectify each other. It's not
• 21:04
  Speaker 5: just for men. And so that was sort of a
• 21:06
  Speaker 5: disconnect that we on the show always thought, there's that's
• 21:09
  Speaker 5: so off base actually to what's really going on here?
• 21:12
  Speaker 8: M hmm.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: I mean if you guys had a male creator and
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: a male director, I mean, can you imagine the ship
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: you would have gotten. Well, maybe we would have been
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: fine actually because people wouldn't have called it out right.
• 21:24
  Speaker 8: We did have male directors and they were all great,
• 21:26
  Speaker 8: like everyone took it really seriously, like everyone felt the
• 21:29
  Speaker 8: pressure to get it right.
• 21:30
  Speaker 6: I was like, okay, this.
• 21:31
  Speaker 5: Is like all the male directors were always saying, is
• 21:33
  Speaker 5: this right? Is okay? Like I don't want to make you,
• 21:35
  Speaker 5: I don't want to push it or anything, and so
• 21:37
  Speaker 5: they always they've always left it up to us to decide, oh,
• 21:42
  Speaker 5: you're like pushing the boundary. And they'd listen. If we
• 21:44
  Speaker 5: had extreme critique to an idea they had, they go okay, fine, yeah.
• 21:47
  Speaker 8: And it was way before intimacy coordinators, which are like
• 21:50
  Speaker 8: now it's like it's a whole thing now.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: But I mean we're gonna have.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Intimacy coordinators in our real lives that.
• 21:57
  Speaker 6: Come on right now.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: I mean, like, I mean that's how serious intimacy coordinators
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: have gotten.
• 22:02
  Speaker 5: You know.
• 22:03
  Speaker 8: Back then, we were just like we would work it
• 22:05
  Speaker 8: out with each other, with the director, like it was
• 22:08
  Speaker 8: all just like.
• 22:08
  Speaker 5: I was always on the day. It was like we'd
• 22:10
  Speaker 5: be on set and we'd say, all right, let's figure
• 22:12
  Speaker 5: this out.
• 22:12
  Speaker 6: How are we going to do how are we going
• 22:13
  Speaker 6: to do this?
• 22:14
  Speaker 8: Yeah, But to answer your question earlier, like because I
• 22:17
  Speaker 8: was out and like I was like the only gay
• 22:20
  Speaker 8: one at the time, even though.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you were still dating men right when the show started.
• 22:24
  Speaker 5: Not really No, like I had, I had dated guys,
• 22:27
  Speaker 5: but I wasn't. I don't think I was dating anyone
• 22:29
  Speaker 5: when that show started.
• 22:30
  Speaker 6: Had just broken up.
• 22:31
  Speaker 5: But maybe I just stopped like dating some guy, but
• 22:33
  Speaker 5: I was sort of it was nothing serious serious when
• 22:36
  Speaker 5: I got up to Canada. But go ahead, that's right, Canada, Canada.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but we're all going back there, so yes,
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: I'm slowly transitioning into Canada permanently before they become the
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: fifty first state. Anyway, Oh my god, let's not talk
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: about that. Let's keep things happening.
• 22:56
  Speaker 8: Yes, back to Pussy Yeah, No, I I like I
• 23:01
  Speaker 8: felt this responsibility to represent our community correctly. But I
• 23:07
  Speaker 8: didn't even know the impact the show is going to have.
• 23:10
  Speaker 8: Like I thought it was going to be this really
• 23:11
  Speaker 8: underground in the TV show that what everybody.
• 23:15
  Speaker 5: Saw, but everybody wanted to get it. Yes, we had
• 23:18
  Speaker 5: an we had a we had a sexpert show up
• 23:21
  Speaker 5: during the pilot with a big binder talking about like
• 23:25
  Speaker 5: talking about sex toys and.
• 23:27
  Speaker 6: How like a toolbox and all these and all these.
• 23:30
  Speaker 5: Yeah, all of these, like all these all these apparatuses
• 23:33
  Speaker 5: to be like, okay, so here are all the options one has.
• 23:35
  Speaker 5: And everyone was sitting there like, oh okay, okay, and like
• 23:38
  Speaker 5: there was a whole seminar about it. So everyone had
• 23:40
  Speaker 5: a really clear agenda. No one wanted to fuck it up.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I think we all. I thought
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: you were going to continue, okay, but with the with
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: the recognition, I mean, I'm sure here in town, right,
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: obviously you were being people were approaching you all the time.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: Oh they weren't.
• 24:02
  Speaker 5: No, really, you know way, No, we were in Canada.
• 24:05
  Speaker 5: No one cared about us. Oh we lived in Canada
• 24:09
  Speaker 5: for like nine months.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: Oh oh I'm sorry, I'm I'm but so you weren't
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: living in La at all.
• 24:16
  Speaker 5: No, we weren't doing hiatus, but no one when we
• 24:18
  Speaker 5: got home. I don't think anyone really seemed to care
• 24:20
  Speaker 5: that much. Really, Yeah, unless you went to a gay bar,
• 24:23
  Speaker 5: it was. That was a different story. It was different
• 24:26
  Speaker 5: wandering down the street.
• 24:28
  Speaker 8: Yeah, it was kind of like a like an insular
• 24:31
  Speaker 8: fame like it was.
• 24:32
  Speaker 5: It was very you know totally.
• 24:36
  Speaker 8: It was very big in the gay community. But like
• 24:38
  Speaker 8: if you go to like Ralph's Supermarket, you're fine.
• 24:41
  Speaker 5: Yeah, like Perez Hilton wasn't didn't care about us whatever,
• 24:44
  Speaker 5: you know, he didn't care.
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: When is Perez Hilton going to go away?
• 24:47
  Speaker 6: Question?
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: Thought the most repugnant. I mean, honestly, he didn't. Didn't
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: he go He went away, but he's back. I mean,
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: but he's in the ether and every once in a
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: while he pops up on my with them. I'm like,
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: this guy is like, what are those lizards? Lizards that
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: just can recreate and you cut their tail off and
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: then they come back and they grow. I mean, talk
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: about toxic, talk about negative. Oh my god, he's the worst. Anyway,
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: that's a sidebar. Okay. So after the show ended, when
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: when it did end and you went on tour? Where
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: did you go on tour? I?
• 25:20
  Speaker 8: Yeah, all all around the world. It was really fun.
• 25:23
  Speaker 8: I had a fan yeah called uhhh hear. And it
• 25:26
  Speaker 8: was a blast and I loved doing it and I
• 25:28
  Speaker 8: felt really like at home in a band. So that
• 25:32
  Speaker 8: was great, and I did, yeah, I just didn't concentrate
• 25:34
  Speaker 8: on getting another show. And like Kate went off to.
• 25:37
  Speaker 5: Do, I played a doctor and you played.
• 25:40
  Speaker 8: A doctor and then you run Ray Donovan forever? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: And so how did how do your other acting experiences
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: compared to being on The L Word?
• 25:48
  Speaker 5: It was like night and day, really completely well. I
• 25:52
  Speaker 5: went from our show, which was on cable where you
• 25:54
  Speaker 5: could get away with anything, to network television where you
• 25:58
  Speaker 5: couldn't get away with with a single thing, and so
• 26:00
  Speaker 5: it was very controlled. I don't think they knew what
• 26:04
  Speaker 5: really to do with me necessarily. I didn't have that
• 26:06
  Speaker 5: kind of look that would cater to their audience, and
• 26:09
  Speaker 5: so I was sort of shoved off to the side
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: a bit.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: And do you think you but do you think you
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: got that job because of the L Word?
• 26:15
  Speaker 5: I think I got that job because of a producer
• 26:18
  Speaker 5: named Curtis Hansen who fought for me. I don't think
• 26:21
  Speaker 5: I got that job because CBS was like, yeah, let's
• 26:23
  Speaker 5: get her. Absolutely not. And that was a very short
• 26:26
  Speaker 5: lived job, and then I luckily landed on Ray Donovan
• 26:29
  Speaker 5: that just kept going and going, and going, And that
• 26:32
  Speaker 5: was back on showtime, so at least I didn't have
• 26:33
  Speaker 5: to prove myself right, So I shut up and I
• 26:36
  Speaker 5: was like, you guys know me, you know what I
• 26:38
  Speaker 5: can do. So I felt more at home there than
• 26:41
  Speaker 5: I did on mainstream.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's interesting, I mean not surprising. You know, mainstream
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: television is just like such a cudgel. It's just so
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: it's first of all, getting notes from a network. Well
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: that was the thing, so obtrusive. It's like you're not
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: a creator at all. Like the whole system seems like
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: it needs to be broken.
• 27:00
  Speaker 5: Yeah it was, Yeah, it was. Everyone gave notes, and
• 27:03
  Speaker 5: assistance of people gave notes. There's always notes getting thrown around.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: And sometimes the note giving is just like an exercise
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: of giving notes. They're just pretending to be doing a job, right, Yeah,
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: because they have to give you They can't be like
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: we have no notes.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, and they have to justify their existence precisely.
• 27:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's yeah.
• 27:21
  Speaker 8: Don't they like catchphrases like easter egg or you know,
• 27:24
  Speaker 8: like they have things.
• 27:25
  Speaker 5: No, it's more like can you not. Oh it's it's
• 27:28
  Speaker 5: it varies. I mean it can go from like appeerence
• 27:31
  Speaker 5: down to how you're delivering a line. God only knows,
• 27:33
  Speaker 5: but it gets to a point where you have to say,
• 27:35
  Speaker 5: I'm not no, stop, like I'm not doing it, and
• 27:38
  Speaker 5: what you're not doing it? It's like, I'm not doing it.
• 27:40
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm not trying great at that.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: That's good.
• 27:42
  Speaker 6: She's always good at the nose.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: That's nice.
• 27:44
  Speaker 5: I've been. Yeah, it's been like a lifelong like since
• 27:47
  Speaker 5: we've known each other for what like twenties, a long time,
• 27:50
  Speaker 5: and I've been trying to teach other word no from
• 27:52
  Speaker 5: day one.
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can see. I can see that from reading
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: your book, that you guys that you're good at no
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: and you're.
• 27:58
  Speaker 5: Not Yeah, like I know, is a complete sentence.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, I love it. I mean even I've had to
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: learn how to say no and people would be surprised
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: to hear it.
• 28:06
  Speaker 6: I am surprised right now. Yeah you really?
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, because I want to. I want to I
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: want to be generous with my time, and you get
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: confused about what that means. You know what I mean,
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: Generosity with your time doesn't necessarily mean saying yes to everything.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: You can be generous and also say no. So that
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: took a long time to understand because I yeah, And
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: I wanted to be one of those people who you
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: could rely on to do anything like the out. I'll
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: do that, don't worry, I'll deal with that.
• 28:35
  Speaker 6: You know, you can handle it.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: I can handle it. And then you realize you're just
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: subscribing to being in the boys club. And then you're like, wait, wait, wait,
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: I'm catering to men right now. I actually want to
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: be catering to women less men. So it's like that.
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: I had to go through that a little bit, uh
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: not a little bit, a lot, but I yeah, I
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: understood it, recognized it, and then fixed it. Was there
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: like an episode to you that really was more meaningful
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: than any of the others.
• 28:58
  Speaker 5: An episode world, oh.
• 29:00
  Speaker 6: God, meaningful. I don't know.
• 29:02
  Speaker 5: I don't know.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: I found to you it was so long.
• 29:07
  Speaker 8: It was soap opera too, like let's not like over
• 29:10
  Speaker 8: you know, I mean, it was silly, and maybe the overall,
• 29:14
  Speaker 8: maybe the overall series how to yeah, more meaning than
• 29:17
  Speaker 8: each individual.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: Some of it.
• 29:20
  Speaker 8: I think it like broke down barriers. I think it
• 29:23
  Speaker 8: opened eyes, like it showed people not just one character
• 29:27
  Speaker 8: like you always see like one lesbian or like one
• 29:30
  Speaker 8: lesbi or they die or they're coming out. It's always
• 29:33
  Speaker 8: a coming out story, but this was like, no, we're
• 29:35
  Speaker 8: like functioning women in the world. We have careers, we
• 29:39
  Speaker 8: have friendships, we have relationships, like that's what it did
• 29:41
  Speaker 8: it and we like to yeah, and there's that, you know,
• 29:44
  Speaker 8: and it's like, I don't know, it just was this
• 29:47
  Speaker 8: well rounded.
• 29:48
  Speaker 5: It's hard to think. It's hard to think of one
• 29:50
  Speaker 5: episode because my memories.
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: No, I can understand that. It's so interesting when you
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: look at especially in our industry, there are so many
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: women that become late in life lesbians. Yeah, are so
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: many women who get divorced and they're like, I'm done
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: with this, I'm done with men, and then they're lesbians.
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: And it's like it's almost I don't know, if it's
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: a sign of the times that we live in where
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: men have just outworn you know, they're welcome and everyone,
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: all of their secrets have been exposed and we're just
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: done with it, or if this happens in every generation
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: you know, where they're where a woman is fifty or
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: forties and fifties and starts going, you know what, I
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: don't want to be with men anymore.
• 30:25
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I don't have to. I have choices, like do.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: You think that happens during every generation, even I mean
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: it's all come.
• 30:32
  Speaker 5: Around, It's always been around, but now there's gay people
• 30:35
  Speaker 5: are new. But there's less there's a less binary way
• 30:40
  Speaker 5: of looking at everything. So, you know, I look at
• 30:42
  Speaker 5: how teenagers look at themselves and they say I'm open
• 30:45
  Speaker 5: to anything, and that's translating into people our age, and
• 30:48
  Speaker 5: I think that's wonderful. So it's there's not so much fear,
• 30:51
  Speaker 5: and it's just you can be whoever you are and
• 30:53
  Speaker 5: you don't have to label it and who you love
• 30:55
  Speaker 5: is who you love And that sounds like a super
• 30:57
  Speaker 5: cheesy motto, but it's true. And I think the less
• 31:01
  Speaker 5: labeling is I think helping people accept who they are more.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I decided. I was at a I got a
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: mammogram the other day and they were asking like ethnicity,
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: and I was like, I'm not answering these questions anymore.
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: You know what, it's outdated. You have to update your forum.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: It doesn't matter if I'm married or not. It doesn't
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: matter if I'm white or Asian or Caucasian or you know.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: I was at the doctor the other day, where are
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: these Yeah, there was a line that said, what is
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: the gender of the head of your.
• 31:30
  Speaker 4: Household And I was like, what, like what what like?
• 31:39
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, unnecessary, completely unnecessary.
• 31:42
  Speaker 8: Kind of doctor a GP, just like I had an
• 31:45
  Speaker 8: eye doctor.
• 31:46
  Speaker 5: I went to an eye doctor and I was asked
• 31:47
  Speaker 5: something about my ethnicity, and I was like, what difference
• 31:50
  Speaker 5: does it make? And I looked at him and he's like, sorry,
• 31:53
  Speaker 5: it's on the form, and I was like why.
• 31:54
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: Don't you think that the political environment we're living in
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: is a direct reflection of the fact that most people
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: are coming to terms, not most people, but the majority
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: of educated people are coming to terms with the fact
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: that all of this is such a nonsense, All of
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: these labels are such nonsense. Like it is the death
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: cough of white supremacy. I don't know if we'll experience
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: the end of it, but it's definitely the last stages
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: of it, and that could be another one hundred and
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: fifty years. I don't know. But it's the old white
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: man's reaction to women going no, no, no, we don't need labels. Yeah, boys,
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: we might like girls, we might like both, we might
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: like nothing like, you know, they're not willing to accept that.
• 32:36
  Speaker 5: It certainly adds to the fear that they're no longer
• 32:39
  Speaker 5: in power.
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I got this great book, this friend, I'm going
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: to do this when we do our book round up.
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: My friend, my makeup artists in New York, gave it
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: to me and she was going over all these women
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: in history, you know, who've gone unnoticed, and all these painters,
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: and that there was a period in the sixteen hundreds
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: where there was this explosion of female talent, and by explosion,
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: there were like thirteen really well known painters in Paris
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: during that period of time where all these painters were
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: coming up, and there were thirteen of them, and they
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: were in history books in the sixteen hundreds, and then
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: when you get past eighteen hundred, they're gone. There's complete
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: erasure of them because men were so threatened by the
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: few that got in and the successes that they reached,
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: which were beyond the reaches of the men, that they decided, Okay,
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: we're going to take their work and claim it as
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: our own. And women are no longer allowed to paint.
• 33:27
  Speaker 8: Isn't that the same with Hollywood? Women directors they directed
• 33:30
  Speaker 8: everything at the beginning of Hollywood.
• 33:31
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, right, that's true.
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And so I mean that's not a new information.
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: But it's nice to It's so funny how threatened they
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: are by us, Yet we're not that threatened by them?
• 33:43
  Speaker 5: Right, How women have been the animated them since the
• 33:45
  Speaker 5: beginning of time? Right?
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: Why are you so threatened by us? Because we're not
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: threatened by you. So we'll threaten you. Yeah, we'll threaten
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: your bodies. We'll threaten, yes, your rights because yeah. So
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: it's nice to know this has been going on for No,
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: we'll take a break and we'll be right back with
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: Lesha Haley and Kate Manigg.
• 34:08
  Speaker 4: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, write into us at
• 34:10
  Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. We'd love to
• 34:14
  Speaker 4: hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on,
• 34:17
  Speaker 4: but this week we're specifically looking for questions about family issues.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: If you have an issue with a family member, or
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: you need.
• 34:22
  Speaker 4: Advice about a specific relationship issue, please write in at
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com.
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: And we're back with Leisha Haley and Kate Manigg. Okay,
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: what do we got today?
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: Many question?
• 34:38
  Speaker 5: So many? We did this on our podcast. Yes, awesome, st.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: Well, this first one is just a write in. We
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: do have a couple of callers.
• 34:47
  Speaker 4: So we'll spend a little time with this one, but
• 34:49
  Speaker 4: then we'll move on to our callers. So this one
• 34:51
  Speaker 4: is from Lola. She's not joining us, she says, Dear Chelsea.
• 34:54
  Speaker 4: I've been in a relationship with my partner, Bridget for
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: two and a half years, and her ex girlfriend, Samantha
• 34:59
  Speaker 4: just never goes away. When we started dating, I knew
• 35:02
  Speaker 4: things were complicated with her ex, but it was impossible
• 35:05
  Speaker 4: to comprehend how the situation would impact me in the future.
• 35:08
  Speaker 4: My partner, Bridget, was in a three and a half
• 35:10
  Speaker 4: year relationship with Samantha, who is her sister's best friend
• 35:14
  Speaker 4: and coworker.
• 35:14
  Speaker 5: Wait, I need such need this has gotten a little
• 35:18
  Speaker 5: bit of a check.
• 35:20
  Speaker 4: So the writer her partner, the ex is the partner's
• 35:25
  Speaker 4: sister's best friend slash coworker.
• 35:28
  Speaker 5: The ex is the partner's.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: Sister's best friend.
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so it's like if I'm if I'm the girlfriend,
• 35:34
  Speaker 4: it's my sister's best friend.
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: So like kind of around like in the family.
• 35:38
  Speaker 5: YEA.
• 35:40
  Speaker 4: Samantha is also a single mom. This is the X
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: to a ten year old daughter. She was three to
• 35:44
  Speaker 4: four years old when they started dating. My partner has
• 35:46
  Speaker 4: a close relationship with her daughter, and this is something
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: I've always tried to support, as the child has nothing
• 35:51
  Speaker 4: to do with me or their breakup.
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: Or does it.
• 35:55
  Speaker 4: FaceTime, and it's a little awkward for me. Though I
• 35:58
  Speaker 4: find her commitment to her ex's child admirable, I do
• 36:01
  Speaker 4: struggle with this, not because she's spending time with the child,
• 36:04
  Speaker 4: but because Samantha is still deeply in love with my partner.
• 36:07
  Speaker 4: At the beginning of our relationship, she would call, text
• 36:10
  Speaker 4: and FaceTime multiple times a week. I always found it
• 36:12
  Speaker 4: to be weird, but it started making me uncomfortable when
• 36:14
  Speaker 4: she began to ask my partner to give her another chance,
• 36:17
  Speaker 4: professing her feelings for her. Bridget ended up blocking her
• 36:20
  Speaker 4: for over a year. I know this is immature of me,
• 36:22
  Speaker 4: but within the last year something told me to check
• 36:25
  Speaker 4: out Samantha's social media and what I saw was bizarre,
• 36:28
  Speaker 4: and if I'm honest, I feel a little embarrassed for her.
• 36:31
  Speaker 4: She regularly makes tiktoks about my partner where she's professing
• 36:34
  Speaker 4: her love for her, saying that she's her soulmate and
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: that she'll do anything to get her back. Though I
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: find it sad and embarrassing that this thirty seven year
• 36:41
  Speaker 4: old woman is consistently making tiktoks about a person who
• 36:44
  Speaker 4: broke up with her three years ago. I still find
• 36:46
  Speaker 4: myself feeling insecure about this. When I express my concerns,
• 36:49
  Speaker 4: my partner mostly validates my feelings but also brushes it off.
• 36:53
  Speaker 4: I want to find a way to be more secure
• 36:55
  Speaker 4: knowing that Samantha is always going to be around. Is
• 36:57
  Speaker 4: it possible for Bridget to have a relationship with this
• 36:59
  Speaker 4: child without having a close friendship with Samantha? And what
• 37:03
  Speaker 4: if anything should I do about the social media obsession?
• 37:06
  Speaker 5: Lola?
• 37:06
  Speaker 8: Oh god, that is that's that's also very outside of
• 37:11
  Speaker 8: gay too.
• 37:12
  Speaker 6: It's just, I mean, like, I know.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: I think this is all your problem, you guys, it
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: is this is all about being gay.
• 37:19
  Speaker 5: Like there's like codependency and toxicity and cross boundary crossing
• 37:25
  Speaker 5: and then it's a child involved. I mean, it's just
• 37:27
  Speaker 5: it's a mess.
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: But this is a mess.
• 37:29
  Speaker 5: I'm sorry, No, just.
• 37:31
  Speaker 8: That I was confused because I thought Bridget the partner
• 37:34
  Speaker 8: blocked she did, had.
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: Blocked her, but then I think she unblocked her at
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: some point.
• 37:39
  Speaker 5: Okay, but but but Lola right, the writer Lola had
• 37:44
  Speaker 5: not blocked her and fell into this awful habit of
• 37:48
  Speaker 5: tracking her on social media TikTok, is it TikTok whatever?
• 37:51
  Speaker 5: So that's a problem that you just have to break
• 37:53
  Speaker 5: that cycle. Just you can fall into that easily.
• 37:57
  Speaker 8: I think the issue lies definitely with Sam, right, you
• 38:01
  Speaker 8: just have to know who Sam is and that Sam
• 38:04
  Speaker 8: has some issues. But I think within the relationship they
• 38:08
  Speaker 8: have to figure out, like what boundaries are, like going
• 38:11
  Speaker 8: to be there because kid or no kid, and I
• 38:14
  Speaker 8: don't have kids, I really can't speak to it. But
• 38:15
  Speaker 8: like this woman seems a little unsafe.
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: Totally unsafe, and also this is an issue that her
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: partner needs to address with her.
• 38:24
  Speaker 6: Yes, that's what I'm saying.
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: And it should be also with relation to the child.
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: Like if you want me to continue to be in
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: your child's life, which is what I want and my
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: partner wants, you have to understand that I am in
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: another relationship and you have to act in a mature
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: way and respect that relationship. Yeah, the relationship that I'm in,
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: Like she has to honor that relationship. She's tiktoks together?
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: What is she in? Eighth fucking grade?
• 38:50
  Speaker 8: Like that's what I mean, that's what you're dealing with
• 38:53
  Speaker 8: something different.
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, that's not the most stable adult. But I
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: honestly would would say, I'm not going to have a
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: relationship with your child unless you can act in a
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: more mature way about our relationship that is over.
• 39:06
  Speaker 6: Can you do that, because it doesn't the child suffer.
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: The child does suffer. But it sounds like you have
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: to give or put something up there, like that's at
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: stake because right now she's just getting everything she wants,
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean, She's got her involvement with
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: a child, she's used, probably using her child to remain
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: interacts as a life that's and so when does that end?
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
• 39:28
  Speaker 5: Yeah, some serious boundaries need to be WHOA.
• 39:31
  Speaker 4: So it sounds like this is a conversation Lola needs
• 39:33
  Speaker 4: to have with her partner and say like you got
• 39:35
  Speaker 4: to put some ground rules here y yes, yeah.
• 39:38
  Speaker 6: I mean if I can do it together, they can
• 39:40
  Speaker 6: go to her.
• 39:40
  Speaker 5: But you need a teammate. Lola needs a teammate and
• 39:42
  Speaker 5: bridget like there needs to.
• 39:44
  Speaker 8: Be you need to be I would go as a
• 39:47
  Speaker 8: unified friend. Yes, samily say this is what we need.
• 39:50
  Speaker 5: You have to Yeah, strengthen numbers.
• 39:53
  Speaker 6: Well, also it's like we're together.
• 39:55
  Speaker 5: Yeah, so you have to Yeah, so a unified front
• 39:57
  Speaker 5: to the problem at hand. Absolutely, otherwise you're just you're
• 40:00
  Speaker 5: screaming into nothing.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: Is this a letter? Is this an email? What do
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: we think? I don't think it's a text.
• 40:06
  Speaker 5: Where do they live?
• 40:06
  Speaker 6: Where do they live?
• 40:09
  Speaker 5: Where do they live in proximity to each other?
• 40:10
  Speaker 6: I think they need to sit the person to person.
• 40:13
  Speaker 5: This is a person to person. Yeah, in person, in
• 40:16
  Speaker 5: public in a public setting, not at someone's house. What, yeah,
• 40:19
  Speaker 5: don't come over and I don't want to go to yours.
• 40:22
  Speaker 5: Let's meet publicly. Check screaming or crying?
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You want to temper the
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: I mean I would say it's her responsibility because it's
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: her ax and it's her relationship. But you guys are
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: saying that they should do it together as a unit
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: five front. I don't either way. It should definitely be
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: in person, and it should be you know, these are
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: the new set of rules. Like either you can follow
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: them and you can't be making tiktoks about me, Like
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: that's that's a boundary crossing. Like you can't do that.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: Find some fresh are content.
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: It's delusional and it's sad and what does that say
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: to your kid? Like your kid's going to see that
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: one day. People don't understand when you make those videos,
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: they're there forever, like they're out there and then then
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: every everyone's going to find everything.
• 41:06
  Speaker 6: You know.
• 41:07
  Speaker 5: Do you have TikTok?
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: I do have TikTok. I don't go on it. I
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: mean I have a social media team, Like I have
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: enough addictions in my life, you know what I mean.
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: I'm on Instagram. I'll go on Instagram, but I don't
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: on TikTok. It's like, no, I don't have the bandwidth
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: for that.
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: All right, well, Lola, let us know how it goes.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: I know that's yeah. Well, our nex caller is l K.
• 41:28
  Speaker 4: LK has actually called in before she called in on
• 41:31
  Speaker 4: our Dylan mulvaney episode, which we recorded a long long
• 41:34
  Speaker 4: time ago. So LK says, Hi, Chelsey, it's me again, LK.
• 41:39
  Speaker 4: I have yet another crush to pick your brain about.
• 41:41
  Speaker 4: I'm over the hump of working through some stuff back
• 41:43
  Speaker 4: in the spring, so feeling a little bit more feisty.
• 41:46
  Speaker 4: I've been working on myself relentlessly while engaging and a
• 41:49
  Speaker 4: slippery slope with an old flame who I care about.
• 41:51
  Speaker 4: Progress is being made, but I'm still not ready for
• 41:54
  Speaker 4: a committed relationship. Meanwhile, I've developed a crush on my hairdresser.
• 41:58
  Speaker 4: Is this some gay right of passage I've dodged until now?
• 42:01
  Speaker 4: She's married to a man. Oof, but this gal is
• 42:04
  Speaker 4: the poster child of closet and homos. I know it's
• 42:06
  Speaker 4: not my job to jumpstart her Lesie awakening, but on
• 42:09
  Speaker 4: the other hand, that seems like it could be super.
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: Fun and gay.
• 42:12
  Speaker 4: The problem is she maintains she isn't gay while being
• 42:15
  Speaker 4: really playful about how gay she presents to the world.
• 42:18
  Speaker 4: I asked if my playfulness about it was offensive to her.
• 42:20
  Speaker 4: She says, nope, You're just hurting your own feelings. She
• 42:23
  Speaker 4: isn't wrong, but my gut tells me she's for the
• 42:24
  Speaker 4: girls deep down in her soul. Should I keep the
• 42:27
  Speaker 4: playful flirting with hopes and prayers or just stick to
• 42:30
  Speaker 4: my monthly haircut for a crush fix? Queerly confused?
• 42:33
  Speaker 5: LKA, really simple? Can I just answer this? Oh?
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: Go?
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: Sorry?
• 42:41
  Speaker 5: I have I have feelings on this for so high.
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: Hi Hello, Hello, Hi, y thank god? Okay. Kate has
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: some very strong feelings about this. Hi okay, Hello, this
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: Kate and Lisa Special a little bit of panic, right.
• 43:04
  Speaker 5: Don't gay panic, please please, But my word of advice is,
• 43:07
  Speaker 5: don't waste your energy with your hairdresser. Why because it's
• 43:11
  Speaker 5: it's just it's too much trouble for no very little payoff.
• 43:15
  Speaker 7: I'm avoidant as fuck, and I think I'm using these
• 43:19
  Speaker 7: crushes as a distraction from my real feelings.
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: You feel me, you said, there's somebody else that's like
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: a long term person you have feelings for, right.
• 43:28
  Speaker 7: Yes, yes, yes, We've been on off again for at
• 43:32
  Speaker 7: least a couple of years now, and I keep, you know,
• 43:37
  Speaker 7: doing the whole avoidant running away thing.
• 43:40
  Speaker 5: And why are you doing that?
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: Well, I don't know.
• 43:45
  Speaker 6: I'm asking you, guys, well that situation. It's way better
• 43:50
  Speaker 6: than the hairdresser.
• 43:51
  Speaker 5: I know.
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: I'm a quick Okay, let's talk about what's going on now.
• 43:56
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, let's but what about the avoidant problem, the
• 43:59
  Speaker 5: other one when you're on.
• 44:01
  Speaker 7: That In therapy, I have made some progress. We're seeing
• 44:05
  Speaker 7: each other now. I'm trying to be very slow and deliberate,
• 44:10
  Speaker 7: going to therapy weekly. Still, I do think I've made
• 44:13
  Speaker 7: some progress, but I still have the tendencies of just
• 44:16
  Speaker 7: to engage in avoidant behaviors, you know, when things get
• 44:19
  Speaker 7: a little too real A.
• 44:20
  Speaker 5: Bowl, Eh, that's what it is, is because you try
• 44:23
  Speaker 5: to avoid conflict.
• 44:24
  Speaker 8: Yeah, no, no, intimacy, love, Yeah, okay, you know, like
• 44:30
  Speaker 8: being vulnerable.
• 44:32
  Speaker 7: Yeah, I'm an idiot.
• 44:35
  Speaker 5: You sound like you sound like Shane. Actually, we're gonna
• 44:39
  Speaker 5: get real about it.
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: I mean you're an anagram, eid. I'm an antiagram aid.
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: I used to have problems being vulnerable and being intimate too. Yeah,
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: and therapy is exactly where you need to be for
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: those issues. Yeah, you have to run listen, Like, I know,
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: there's no fast forwarding these emotions. But like you recognize
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: a pattern in your behavior, you're doing something about it.
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: And every time you have an instinct that is your pattern,
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: you have to try to fight that. You have to
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: run towards what you're running away from in a sense
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: advice and you to and you have to like practice
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: that on a daily basis, because it is totally possible
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: to create new habits. It is totally possible. I just
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: got an email yesterday from Jane Fonda about something and
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: she said, it's so we were talking about we were
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: talking about therapy, and she said it's it's like when
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: you create new neural pathways, it's like you're changing the
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: temperature on a thermostat, because once you change it, it
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: doesn't change again until you go back and change it.
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: And I thought that was such a great way to
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: put it. And and that's and it's so true. Like
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: doing the work of therapy is great, but you have
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: to supplement that with the work that you're doing on
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: your own when you're out there in the real world.
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: You have to practice running towards the things that make
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: you feel uncomfortable, that make you feel scared, because those
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: are just feelings. That's a pattern of behavior, something that
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: happened in your childhood. It could have been many things
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: that happened in your childhood. But what you're saying is
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: you want a relationship, right, she died.
• 46:10
  Speaker 8: I have to say, I think a lot of people
• 46:12
  Speaker 8: don't even recognize her patterns to late in life.
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: Yes, like they don't even she's saying she's avoidant, so
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: she knows it. She knows it.
• 46:19
  Speaker 6: But like the latter step, Oh my god, I think.
• 46:22
  Speaker 8: Half people are like asleep until you're like, oh, I've
• 46:25
  Speaker 8: realized now I've been doing this, Like my whole life.
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: And then as soon as it's like it's so it's
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: so powerful to reckon, to be told or to understand
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: what your issue is so that you can go out
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: there and combat it. Yeah, Like, oh, okay, I'm this
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: type of person I might identify as this. I don't
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: like this. I don't like it. I used to be like, Oh,
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: I don't like romance. I mean I really don't like
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: you know a lot of like kitchy shit, you know,
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: like Valentine's right. I don't like when people men send
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: me flowers, Like, I'm just like save that. I'd rather
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: get a nice note, right, get me a card, write
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: me a nice text. I way more. I value that
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: way more than anything you could ever buy me or
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: any kind of cheesy acts of love. But that's not
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: a fear of intimacy. That's actually what I've learned is
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: like my style, my love language, you know what I mean.
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: But I think once you identify what your issues are,
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: like her fear of intimacy, that is so freeing to
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: know that, because that is the first and biggest step
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: you get to correct exactly.
• 47:20
  Speaker 8: Like maybe with this girl she's with, she's been this
• 47:24
  Speaker 8: in this pattern of pushing herway pushing, and maybe she
• 47:26
  Speaker 8: just realized, like, in fact.
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: Did you get did we get to intimate for you?
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: Did you drop the call on purpose?
• 47:34
  Speaker 4: Phone?
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: Overheated?
• 47:36
  Speaker 7: Luf's breaking my car in my own phone overheated?
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: First of all of Alabama. Yeah, you need to get
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: as far away from Alabama as you can. But we understand.
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: Do you understand how powerful it is to know what
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: your what your issue is?
• 47:55
  Speaker 5: Right?
• 47:55
  Speaker 2: You're you know that you have a fear of intimacy,
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: you know you're avoidant. Those are superpower. Now you use
• 48:01
  Speaker 2: those as superpowers.
• 48:02
  Speaker 6: Yeah, because you're.
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: Going to use that and go, look what I'm doing
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: right now? This is me being avoided. Even if you
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: say it to your girlfriend and start calling her your girlfriend,
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: that is your girlfriend, and you actively want to you
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: want a relationship? Is that right? That's right? Is it?
• 48:20
  Speaker 2: Can you tell me do you want a relationship?
• 48:23
  Speaker 7: Yes?
• 48:24
  Speaker 6: Great?
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: Keep saying that out loud. I want to be in
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: a relationship. I want to be in a relationship. I
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: want to love someone and I want them to love me.
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: Write that down every fucking morning, put it on your
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: mirror and say it to yourself and get comfortable with
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: saying that. It's great to say those things. It's great
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: to say I want to be in love, I want
• 48:41
  Speaker 2: to be loved, I want to love say it, just
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: keep fucking saying it.
• 48:45
  Speaker 8: And I love the practice of going towards what you're
• 48:48
  Speaker 8: scared of. That's such a great Yeah. Yeah, it's like
• 48:50
  Speaker 8: a hat's.
• 48:51
  Speaker 2: All this world waiting for you. There's a whole world
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: waiting for you once you get over yourself. Yeah, yeah,
• 49:00
  Speaker 2: that's true. And I identifying your issues is I, I
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: honestly would argue is probably like seventy five percent of
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: the grade of the work. Now you just have to
• 49:08
  Speaker 2: work at maintaining that, because that's very, very honest. When
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: you were gone asleep at the wheel, you were talking
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: about you and.
• 49:18
  Speaker 6: Lisia was saying, you said it, and I was like, no,
• 49:21
  Speaker 6: you said it, you said it, Who cares.
• 49:24
  Speaker 2: It was something you said.
• 49:26
  Speaker 5: But you were saying.
• 49:29
  Speaker 6: That we don't realize our patterns.
• 49:31
  Speaker 2: No, oh yeah, thank you, thank you. Most people don't
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: even realize that they're avoidant or that they have a
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: fear of intimacy, so therefore I'm avoidant. Okay, great, So
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: this is there's so much power in that. Use it
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: as power instead of using it as a as a crutch.
• 49:46
  Speaker 8: Okay, And you can even flip what you're saying, like
• 49:49
  Speaker 8: you're an avoidant. Maybe you start saying I'm vulnerable.
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: I'm going that's a good one, okay.
• 49:56
  Speaker 6: Like change the script.
• 49:58
  Speaker 4: Yeah, there is something like fun and distract about serial
• 50:00
  Speaker 4: crushes that like keep you from having to get into
• 50:03
  Speaker 4: the hard work.
• 50:03
  Speaker 5: Of her because they're always going to be unattainable.
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: That's they're not.
• 50:09
  Speaker 6: Going or straight be challenged.
• 50:13
  Speaker 5: Well, they're just not gonna. It's just not gonna happen.
• 50:15
  Speaker 5: It's just a fantasy. Yeah, exactly. You don't even want
• 50:19
  Speaker 5: it to but it's a nice distraction, right.
• 50:22
  Speaker 8: Also, she's straight, it sounds like, so that's like a
• 50:24
  Speaker 8: big and more importantly, she's also married, so it's not
• 50:29
  Speaker 8: just gonna.
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like that's the that's the third thing we brought up.
• 50:38
  Speaker 2: She's straight.
• 50:39
  Speaker 7: And oh yeah, hey, Chelsea, I want to say something
• 50:43
  Speaker 7: to you real quick. First of all, the book Signs
• 50:45
  Speaker 7: found me because of you. Oh yeah, impacted my life
• 50:50
  Speaker 7: so much. So thank you for being so open and
• 50:53
  Speaker 7: vulnerable with stuff like that, because I've got a lot
• 50:55
  Speaker 7: of grief, a lot of help on the other side. Yes,
• 50:59
  Speaker 7: that was amazing, So okay, thank you.
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: And if you have a lot of grief and you
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: have a lot of help on the other side, it's
• 51:07
  Speaker 2: also important to be crying in front of people. You
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: exercise that cry in front of this person, let yourself
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: be vulnerable, practice that and get better at it. I
• 51:18
  Speaker 2: used to not be able to cry in front of anybody, anybody.
• 51:21
  Speaker 7: I can try in front of her, but she's one
• 51:23
  Speaker 7: of the maybe the only person that I.
• 51:25
  Speaker 2: Can just keep practicing it. You're going to get better
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: at crying in front of people. You're going to get
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: better at your vulnerability. It's a whole new world when
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: you can do that. You're going to open up yourself
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: to all these possibilities. Not everything has to be tightly
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: wrapped up, and you know you don't have to consoled something.
• 51:43
  Speaker 5: You're going to.
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: Find all of these people that want to love you
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: and love on you and be with you and be
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: your support system when you are open and honest and vulnerable,
• 51:51
  Speaker 2: and then you can do the same for others. It's
• 51:54
  Speaker 2: like about spreading more love and more joyfulness to as
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: many people as you can, especially in this fucking ar
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: time that we're all living in. It's like you owe
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: it to your you know, you owe it to your community,
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: and you owe it to yourself. Yes, that's powerful stuff. Okay, good,
• 52:10
  Speaker 2: well you listen to this podcast. Back, write down those
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: things I told you to write down. I'm not joking.
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: Put them on your mirror and say them every morning.
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: Say affirmations to yourself. You're somebody who needs to do that.
• 52:20
  Speaker 2: And then I'm sure we'll hear back from you in
• 52:21
  Speaker 2: another six months about a problem that you had months ago.
• 52:26
  Speaker 7: Yeah, we're just gonna be like pin pals.
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: But like that's fine. I'm down. I'm down, I'm down. Perfect, Okay,
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: have a great day. Okay, bye bye, thank you bye.
• 52:37
  Speaker 2: It's so funny, you know those people who are always
• 52:39
  Speaker 2: laughing and upbeat and yeah, totally, she's like scot that
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: whole vibe about her. Yeah, like yeah, everything's great, everything's great.
• 52:45
  Speaker 2: And then you're like everything's not great, everything's good. Yeah. Yeah,
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: it's hard to put it's hard to keep that going.
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: You know that for very long?
• 52:53
  Speaker 6: It breaks down.
• 52:54
  Speaker 5: It breaks down.
• 52:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it broke down on me at around forty
• 52:57
  Speaker 2: That's when I was like, it's exhausting.
• 53:00
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's it's it's just this mask.
• 53:03
  Speaker 2: You hate headphones? Huh?
• 53:04
  Speaker 5: That was just hurting my ears, you know, and like
• 53:08
  Speaker 5: the stay now they heard right now? Yeah, And also
• 53:11
  Speaker 5: there wasn't someone on the camera, so I just gave
• 53:13
  Speaker 5: them my ears a break.
• 53:14
  Speaker 2: Okay, we're going to take a break. Please tag me
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: for the special because I get so many tags about
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: my books, but I'm not getting as many about my special,
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: and my special is the newest thing out, so I
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: want to make sure all my ardent fans are watching
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: it and tagging me, and I'll repost you. And yes,
• 53:29
  Speaker 2: it's called the Feeling. You have questions and we're back
• 53:37
  Speaker 2: from the break, you guys.
• 53:39
  Speaker 4: Okay, at least I'm hoping you don't have too many
• 53:41
  Speaker 4: questions about this because we're hoping for advice. Yeah, but
• 53:44
  Speaker 4: so Brittany, says dear Chelsea. I'm not sure how familiar
• 53:47
  Speaker 4: you are with queer culture, but there's a common stereotype
• 53:50
  Speaker 4: known as lesbian bed death. This term refers to the
• 53:53
  Speaker 4: inevitable decline in sex amongst long term lesbian relationships. One
• 53:57
  Speaker 4: factor at play is my now absence of libido, which
• 54:00
  Speaker 4: is the direct result of antidepressants. We've tried scheduling sex
• 54:04
  Speaker 4: without much success. Another factor that some may relate to
• 54:07
  Speaker 4: is when you get comfortable in a relationship and it's
• 54:09
  Speaker 4: easy to not keep up with physical appearance as you
• 54:12
  Speaker 4: once did, which has led to a decrease in attraction
• 54:14
  Speaker 4: for us. Any advice on how to deal with this, Brittany.
• 54:20
  Speaker 8: I have a straight question because this is this is
• 54:23
  Speaker 8: a I feel like it's a myth. I'm going to say,
• 54:26
  Speaker 8: left me in bed death or it's been put on
• 54:28
  Speaker 8: us and we have just put on us? Right, But
• 54:31
  Speaker 8: doesn't that happen in straight relationships?
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: Yes, we get emails all the time.
• 54:35
  Speaker 5: Happen I think it happens.
• 54:38
  Speaker 2: Have a name, but like I mean, it's I think, yeah,
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: I mean, I've never heard the term bed death before.
• 54:43
  Speaker 5: But what the straight people call it?
• 54:44
  Speaker 2: They don't call it anything. They call it like, I'm
• 54:46
  Speaker 2: fucking sick of you, you know, like it's hard to
• 54:49
  Speaker 2: maintain a fucking hot sex life with I mean living
• 54:53
  Speaker 2: together just I mean, there are couples that have healthy
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: sex lives and most of those couple don't have children. A.
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: That's one thing. B. You get sick of people. Like
• 55:05
  Speaker 2: the reason why I love long distance relationships is because
• 55:08
  Speaker 2: you know, it's something like you're not going to get
• 55:09
  Speaker 2: sick of you and you're not going to annoy me
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: five days, and if you are, that's a big problem.
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: But like if I I like that sparing amount of
• 55:17
  Speaker 2: time with someone, I know my personality and I would
• 55:20
  Speaker 2: experience bad death within the first year. You know, you
• 55:22
  Speaker 2: have to be really into somebody and you have to
• 55:26
  Speaker 2: work hard at maintaining some sort of sex life that's
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: like new and fun and original. And that's really hard
• 55:32
  Speaker 2: to do, right because you usually set up a dynamic
• 55:34
  Speaker 2: with somebody and then you have that dynamic and so
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: you're not creating new sexual like shenanigans with someone you
• 55:41
  Speaker 2: have to That feels false and it's also awkward.
• 55:43
  Speaker 8: Well that the scheduling of sex. It makes me crazy.
• 55:49
  Speaker 5: You know you have to schedule, know the scheduling where
• 55:51
  Speaker 5: you say, okay on Tuesdays, this is going to be
• 55:54
  Speaker 5: our time.
• 55:55
  Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, that gives me the creeps.
• 55:57
  Speaker 5: Right by people, but people that is advised, though I
• 56:00
  Speaker 5: know it's been very like people say, no, it actually works.
• 56:04
  Speaker 5: I can't understand that.
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: But it also it's also helpful for people who are
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: in a dry spell just to get back into the
• 56:10
  Speaker 2: act of having sex because It's like when you don't
• 56:12
  Speaker 2: use your vagina, you start to go, well, I don't
• 56:15
  Speaker 2: need sex. You know who cares. It's like women when
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: they hit menopause are like, well, I'm not it hurts
• 56:20
  Speaker 2: I can't have sex, and it's like, well, you have
• 56:22
  Speaker 2: to use your vagina not to lose your vagina. And also,
• 56:25
  Speaker 2: when you're with somebody for twenty years, most straight couples
• 56:27
  Speaker 2: stop making out. You know, they're not kissing, they're not
• 56:30
  Speaker 2: making out, they're having sex, but it's rudimentary. It's like,
• 56:33
  Speaker 2: oh god, I.
• 56:34
  Speaker 5: Have a scheduled sex thing too.
• 56:35
  Speaker 2: Exactly. It's like, OK, coming, we want to meet me
• 56:37
  Speaker 2: in the shower and we can get it done real quick.
• 56:38
  Speaker 2: So it's like check, check, got it done. I have
• 56:41
  Speaker 2: a lot of friends who talk like that, and a
• 56:43
  Speaker 2: lot of friends when I say do you make out
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: with your husband? I would say ninety percent of my
• 56:47
  Speaker 2: straight friends do not make out with their husbands. They
• 56:49
  Speaker 2: would love to, but that ship has sailed.
• 56:51
  Speaker 5: I've heard that making out actually is more powerful than
• 56:54
  Speaker 5: like scheduling sex time.
• 56:56
  Speaker 6: I would love to everything.
• 56:58
  Speaker 5: Yeah, kissing is like the most intimate thing.
• 57:00
  Speaker 6: It also gets you going right, Yes it does.
• 57:03
  Speaker 5: But even if it doesn't get that far, it's still
• 57:06
  Speaker 5: like represents a level of intimacy that that sex doesn't always.
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: And there's like cuddling and like snuggling that goes along
• 57:15
  Speaker 2: with kissing that goes a long way too. Like there
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: is intimate that is intimate, that is intimacy as well.
• 57:21
  Speaker 2: Sex can be non intimate, you know.
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true.
• 57:24
  Speaker 5: Bad death. It's like the lesbian bed death thing. I
• 57:26
  Speaker 5: think it gets put on us because you think of
• 57:28
  Speaker 5: two women, and two women get together and they just
• 57:32
  Speaker 5: want to like nuzzle in and stay at home and
• 57:34
  Speaker 5: nurture and get a bunch of cats and never leave
• 57:37
  Speaker 5: and order take out in order to take out exactly.
• 57:40
  Speaker 5: And so I think that's how that stigma got put
• 57:42
  Speaker 5: on on us.
• 57:43
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and I feel like sex is awful, But scheduling
• 57:48
  Speaker 4: a date night where you can actually reconnect with your
• 57:51
  Speaker 4: partner and like go do something novel and.
• 57:55
  Speaker 5: I like, I like it. I'm with you on the
• 57:57
  Speaker 5: date night thing. Yeah, if you make a point to
• 57:59
  Speaker 5: like go have dinner or go out and have drinks
• 58:01
  Speaker 5: and get out of the.
• 58:02
  Speaker 4: House, rekindle intimacy rather than just the sex part of it.
• 58:06
  Speaker 4: I'll also say because of the antidepressant thing, like you
• 58:10
  Speaker 4: don't necessarily know, like antidepressants are tricky to get it right.
• 58:13
  Speaker 4: But if you're open to experimenting with some other stuff,
• 58:16
  Speaker 4: like talk to your doctor because and say like, this
• 58:18
  Speaker 4: is what I'm experiencing. I have no sex life because
• 58:20
  Speaker 4: of this. What else can we try? So that might
• 58:22
  Speaker 4: be something to do to.
• 58:23
  Speaker 2: Okay, Well, on that very depressing note, I would like
• 58:28
  Speaker 2: to say I am very happy that I am single
• 58:32
  Speaker 2: and that the next person I have sex with is
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: hopefully gonna be a lot of fun. Yeah. It's like,
• 58:42
  Speaker 2: even when I'm breaking up with someone, I'm like, I
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: can never be sad because I'm like, there's just a
• 58:47
  Speaker 2: new adventure on my life, right.
• 58:48
  Speaker 6: You know.
• 58:48
  Speaker 5: That's a nice optimistic way of saying.
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: And it's just but I that's how I feel. I'm
• 58:53
  Speaker 2: always like, well that okay, that that would served its purpose.
• 58:56
  Speaker 2: What what other candy is out there?
• 58:58
  Speaker 8: You know?
• 58:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that doesn't really help the The grass is always greener.
• 59:04
  Speaker 2: The book is called So Gay for You. It's written
• 59:06
  Speaker 2: by Alicia Haley and Kate Manigg And I think I
• 59:09
  Speaker 2: said it better the first time, But you know that's
• 59:11
  Speaker 2: your fault for having that last name. It's a great
• 59:14
  Speaker 2: book and these ladies wrote it together, which is so cute.
• 59:19
  Speaker 6: Thanks.
• 59:19
  Speaker 9: Thanks, how gay, So get yourself a copy and tune
• 59:26
  Speaker 9: in and you can follow them both on Instagram and
• 59:29
  Speaker 9: are on TikTok and they follow in love.
• 59:31
  Speaker 5: No, not TikTok.
• 59:33
  Speaker 2: That's what it will be the name of the episode.
• 59:35
  Speaker 2: Not on talk. I can't see this on TikTok. Thank
• 59:39
  Speaker 2: you ladies for coming in today, Thank you for having us. Yeah, Okay,
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: my remaining dates for Vegas, there are remaining dates for
• 59:46
  Speaker 2: this year. Summertime is coming and I will be in
• 59:52
  Speaker 2: Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July fifth.
• 59:57
  Speaker 2: We will be the next date that I'm there, July fifth,
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 2: August thirtieth, and then November one and twenty ninth. November
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: first and November twenty ninth, I will be in Las
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 2: Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea.
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 2: It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay,
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 2: thank you.
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 4: Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 4: podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod.
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 4: producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 4: merch at Chelseahandler dot com