Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Ep. 12 – False Identities

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Ep. 12 – False Identities · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Rise Up.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Live Joy Your Way with Comedy Wood.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to step into your power.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: For those of you who are not familiar with me, I am Comedy Wood, a certified life coach, working with individuals on healing their relationship with themselves so they can stop outsourcing their self-worth and be their own resilient self-leader.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Today's topic that I wanted to tackle is that of false identities.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: So a little background on how this topic really came up and became something that I wanted to discuss on today's podcast.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Recently I was guesting on a on someone else's show, and we were discussing the inner child and how stories that we acquire, whether through overt messaging when we're younger or through covert messaging, and what I mean by that is you know, as children we experience things and we sometimes acquire um messages through those experiences and we internalize them.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: So the on this podcast we're certain to talk about the inner child, and um I really relate this to um false identities and source fracture stories, and what I mean by that is when we are children and we get these messages or we have certain experiences, they can become these false identities, which then shape how we choose to show up throughout our lives and into adulthood.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's been a common theme amongst a lot of my clients recently, where I'm hearing relationship issues, and I'm hearing things like either I can't seem to attract the right person, I'm constantly attracting the wrong person, or I just don't understand why the same pattern keeps happening and I'm having failed relationship after failed relationship.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And what truthfully ends up coming out of it is that there is something in ourselves that needs to be healed.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: And usually that something is this source fracture story or this false identity that we had taken on when we were children.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: So some common false identities that I see are the story of I'm alone, I am bad, I don't belong, I'm not enough, I'm invisible, I'm not lovable, I'm not valuable, I'm not wanted, and then there's the other one which is I I don't want to be or I am a burden.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so what happens when we're younger and we have certain experiences is those experiences are internalized and they can be translated into these false identities.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I just wanted to take a small dive into some of these identities, just kind of what they are and how they could show up, so that if you happen to recognize some of those stories, it might shed some light on how they have possibly been showing up in your life, and then that awareness, as I I say time and time again, awareness is that doorway to change.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: So it might be that we're able to shed some light, you can become aware, and then you can decide is this something that I want to work on shifting.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: So if we were to start with the I am alone story, uh this false identity story shows up in either the I'm alone or a feeling of others always leave me.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: And the habitual ways that or the evidence, right, that this story is true is in our lives we will see um things such as when we have that story, we rarely ask for support because we're actually afraid of hearing how other people are going to react, and we don't want them to think that we're too demanding, and so we actually don't ask for support.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: We um tend to, if we're if we're if we've got the I am alone storyline, the way that it shows up in our lives and the way that we actually prove it to ourselves and and get evidence to collect for this this storyline is we'll tend to go after people who are unavailable.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Or we also will avoid conflict with people because we are afraid that a disagreement could mean the end of our relationship.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: But what happens when we do that is we're not showing up in the relationship authentically, and so eventually we end up in the dissolution of the relationship anyway.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, other people, when we have this storyline of I am alone, they actually feel that we are not available socially and we um can feel a little bit unapproachable because we're carrying ourselves with this underlying story of I'm alone, so therefore other people feel that we're uh unapproachable.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we when we have that story, it's we we're faced with this decision of do I want to keep showing up that way, or do I want to start figuring out new ways of relating to people and showing up to start to break that pattern of I'm alone.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Uh to do this, of course, we have to learn to recognize what our feelings are and what our needs are, and learn how to share them with other people without constantly being held back by the fear that they're gonna reject us and we're gonna be left alone.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Another false identity that I had mentioned was that I'm bad or I'm a disappointment.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: This sometimes can happen in childhood when we hear from other people that we're such bad children, or um, you know, that we're selfish for asking for things.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so ways that we generate that this is true in our lives is we will uh self-blame a lot.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we'll be overly responsible for things going wrong, and we'll assume that the responsibility of other people's behaviors, their poor behaviors and poor decisions, are our fault.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we are we tend to beat ourselves up and speak really harshly to ourselves.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: So when you hear me talk about that inner critic, when we're carrying around the I'm bad, uh false identity, that inner critic is pretty much an overdrive, telling us how what a disappointment we are and how things are um things that go wrong are our fault.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: And we become preoccupied with trying to get the approval of others simply because we're trying to disprove, you know, subconsciously, we're trying to disprove this old story of I'm bad.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so the truth is if we want to move past something like that, again, it's learning to listen to ourselves, but it's also learning to self-soothe and learning to speak to ourselves in a kinder and more loving way.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Another false story that comes up a lot is the I don't belong.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I can say from my own personal experience, um, I have shared this on several different interviews, and then also with my clients, I'm pretty open about it.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Is you know, growing up um in the small town that I grew up in, many times I felt like I don't belong or I was an outsider, and with that came this need to prove that I was valuable or I was likable, but when we have that false, um, that false story of I don't belong, it it we end up um creating these communities on our terms.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: So we'll usually try to be a leader, but we don't know how to necessarily be part of a tribe, and and it's because we're we're constantly feeling like we're already on the outside, so the only way to belong is to have our this this community that we're a leader of, um, and we tend to sit on the periphery waiting to be discovered and hoping that somebody will accept us.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Again, false identity that we don't belong.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: So we're constantly sort of sitting on the on the sidelines, waiting to be scooped up and and brought into into a group.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so truthfully, when we're ready to move past that story, we have to come up with new ways of of showing up.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of those things is to um really to to own what our strengths are and to allow people to see us, you know, and allow ourselves to be more visible, um, learning to pay attention to what other people are saying and doing and interacting with them and figuring out ways that we can come in community with other people.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Another false identity that is very common that I hear a lot with my clients is that I'm not enough or I'm not good enough.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, this is one that is it's rooted in this idea that I'm not good enough and therefore I have to prove my worth and my value.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so what happens, especially with people pleasers, is the overcommitment of oneself to constantly make other people happy, constantly try to um to to take care of others' feelings and make sure that they are happy and we tend to overgive and over-function in order to prove how valuable we are.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's this constant strive to change ourselves in order to fit into what somebody expects of us or what we think they want of us so that we can prove our value.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so, what we have to do and what we have to learn to do if we want to generate a new way of showing up is learning to not only just set clear boundaries, um, because generally speaking, as I said, these tend to be people pleasers, and so setting those boundaries of you know, recognizing what is yours to do versus what is someone else's to do, recognizing that you're responsible for your happiness and other people are responsible for their happiness, and learning to actually stand in the value of what you bring each and every day will start to break down that old belief of I'm not good enough.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Another false identity story that I end up seeing a lot with my clients is that I am invisible or I don't exist or I'm not seen.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: This tends to show up or people with this false identity tend to show up in ways where they um are constantly um ignoring their own feelings and needs because they feel that they're invisible.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: So why bother?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Why bother with letting people know how we feel or what we need simply because who cares, right?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's that false story that's being told in our minds.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: And the truth is, and what we have to, if we're ready to to show up in a different way, we have to create the ability to um clearly identify what our feelings and needs are, and then clearly articulate it to other people in recognizing that our feelings and our needs are important, and that we stand in that truth and in that value and building the capacity to be able to articulate that to other people because again, that breaks down, that starts to break down the pattern and practice and false belief system of um I'm invisible.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: And then we have the I'm not loved or I'm unlovable, which um tends to to show up in ways where we rarely ask for ask others for what we truly want and need.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because again, we're afraid that um they don't they won't love us, they won't love us because if what we if we actually communicate what it is that we are feeling or needing, they'll feel that we're not lovable.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Uh those with this false identity story tend to fail to give them self-love, they don't understand or see their value, and so they're constantly needing more from other people than than the others can actually give them because they're constantly trying to fill up their cup and fill up their lovability factor from an external source.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so, again, the capacity here uh that we have to learn is to recognize and to self-soothe and talk ourselves off the ledge when we feel upset or disappointed and learn to speak to ourselves in a loving, kind, and supportive way.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: This is going to break that pattern of I'm not lovable.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's learning to talk to ourselves in this lovable way so that we recognize that we are lovable and that we are here to be loved.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, we have the um I'm not valuable and the I'm not wanted, false identity stories, as well as the I'm a burden.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the I'm not valuable, I'm worthless, I'm disposable.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: We tend to um, if we have this false identity story, we tend to overgive again to other people in order to try to prove our worth.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: We tend to uh fail to take care of our needs and wants, and we actually diminish and devalue what we do accomplish.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: We tend to downplay it, and so others experience us as um you know easy to leave, truthfully, and that um we're not we're not really worthy of receiving what we're actually worth, and so the way that we can sort of step outside and the new skill and the new skill we need to develop if we're ready to step outside of this false identity is to really assess the value of who we are and what we bring to a situation and really become much more um present in what we bring to the table as an individual.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: And the I'm not wanted is somewhat of the same concept of we tend to um be more focused on um how people think and what they think about us, and so we tend to get involved with people who we won't who we wouldn't normally get involved with, or we fail to um notice the social cues when someone says that we need to go or a conversation starts to wind down.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: We those are like we tend to to stay longer than we ought to, um, almost to prove to ourselves that we're not wanted.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so the way to really break this pattern and the new way of really generating a new a new storyline for ourselves is to you know learn to pick up on social cues when a conversation has ended, but then also um become more skillful at uh facilitating um shares in a group, for instance, and so that we're really deeply listening and aware of what's going on around us, so that when a conversation has come to its natural conclusion, we're not continuing to try to keep the conversation going.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: And what I mean by that is it's breaking this pattern of you know, showing up in a way that continues to give us evidence of why our false identity is is the true is accurate.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: And even so, like the the concept in the false identity of I'm a burden, you know, what ends up happening is we tend to avoid um conflict because we don't want to rock rock the boat or create waves.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: And when we're ready to give up that false identity that we're a burden and what our needs and wants are a problem, we will start showing up in a way where we do learn to communicate what our needs and wants are, and when somebody cannot meet the requests that we're making of them, we recognize that that's their issue and not ours.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really learning this concept of coming to terms with you know the awareness that these certain identities that we were showing up with are no longer serving us, and then peeling back the layers of understanding where did that false identity come from, and once we recognize where it came from, making a decision of how we want to move forward, and then identifying ways that we can start implementing that and start creating a new pattern of showing up, and that's truthfully a lot of the work that I do with my clients because when we are healing ourselves, we do have to go through a process of unveiling, if you will, unveiling to ourselves and revealing where the old story came from.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Where and what thought beliefs have we been showing up with on a daily basis that have led us to where we are today?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not about fixing the past, it's about standing in our present, understanding the past, but standing in the present and then figuring out how and what we want to generate for our future, and then taking the steps that are necessary to go forth and generate the future that we want.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: If any of you would like to chat with me more, by all means, you can visit chatwithcomony.com and schedule a time to speak with me, or you can find me on my website at www.comonywood.com.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, I'm Comedy Wood.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to Rise Up.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Always remember your uniqueness and the gift that you bring to this world.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Life happens for you, not to you.