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From Lust to Alignment: Dating Smarter, Not Harder · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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Music.
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No filters, no limits. Just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
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Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
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Well, hello, everybody. This is Diva Mia, and today I wanted to talk to you
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a little bit about attraction and what it actually means when it gets to chemistry, lust, etc.
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So today we're going to go over the differences between connection,
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chemistry, and attraction, and we're going to figure out the ways around dating
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and relationships because they're not the same.
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It kind of depends what your end goal is. You need to understand what you can
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do to save yourself from heartbreak and wasting time because you need to know
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what the other person's looking for as well because they may not be looking
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for the same thing you are. And that's okay.
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That's their path. That's their journey. But what we don't realize is if someone
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else is maybe just looking for a hookup and you're looking for a relationship,
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you're going to have different competing goals.
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I wish that there was just a checklist where everybody could honestly go through
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and say, this is exactly what I'm looking for. This is exactly what I want.
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Throw it into a computer and everybody would be matched perfectly.
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But human nature doesn't actually work that way. So we're stuck with analyzing
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how we feel about each other.
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We're stuck with trying to determine
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and play a game and do a dance to determine if, do they like you?
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Does he like you? Does she like you? It's a back and forth.
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And it's kind of tricky at times. It's important to realize that the more you
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learn about what they actually want, the easier it will be to find out if they're the right fit for you.
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And part of the problem is some people don't know what they actually want.
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And some people change over the course of a relationship as well.
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Some people want to stay single, some people want to date, and some people want to get married.
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It's funny because sometimes the people that think they want to stay single
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end up getting married, and the people that want to get married end up staying single.
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It depends on what happens in a person's life and who they meet.
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Let's start off with chemistry.
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Chemistry is any of that butterflies you get in your stomach.
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It's the spark you feel when you meet someone.
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Chemistry happens pretty quick. This is the physical attraction chemistry that
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I'm talking about. You could get a racing heart.
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You just feel like you're drawn to the other person. It's exciting,
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but it's also very deceptive because you could have chemistry with somebody
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and not be fully attracted to them because you don't have a connection.
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And the connection is what comes later, typically.
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Chemistry is more of a feeling that you get when you first meet someone.
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It's instant. It's like instant gratification.
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It fades quickly as well. So people that have chemistry, they may not be able to date.
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They might do a hookup thing because they had such strong chemistry,
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but then they get to know each other and they don't really like each other.
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So chemistry is something that will fade, and so just don't expect it to last forever.
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And it may last forever if you have a really strong connection,
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but if it's just chemistry, probably not.
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And if you have someone that you meet at a party and you just immediately are
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drawn to them, that's full chemistry. Lust is purely physical.
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So when people have lust, it's part of chemistry. It's when they're physically
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drawn to someone, but they may not like their intellect, or they may not like
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their emotions, or they may not like their personality.
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Lust is complete chemistry related to physical appearance.
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Someone could lust after someone saying, I want you right now. It's usually hormonal.
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So if someone is really driven to lust after someone, it's more of a hormonal
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drive. and it doesn't really matter what age you are because you can have lust
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at any age and sometimes people in their older ages have a lot of lust
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for someone. So it does not matter what your age is at all. And it doesn't require any compatibility.
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You may not like talking to the person, but you want to have sex with them. And you lust after them.
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You see their body and you want to have sex with them. So that's what lust is.
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But it does require access if you're going to do anything. So remember that.
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But it is definitely very hormonal driven.
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And then there's attraction. And attraction is, it's a broader.
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And these days, we're also talking alignment. So we're going to talk attraction
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first, and then we're going to go into what is full-on alignment.
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And attraction is important because that is to make sure that you're actually
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connecting with a person.
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Attraction has multiple different levels.
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So attraction can be physical.
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So physical attraction can be part of lust, right? So, or chemistry.
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When you've physically attracted somebody, you're attracted to their body.
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You might be attracted to their smile or their looks in general.
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Sometimes people are attracted to tall men. Sometimes men are attracted to short women.
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Sometimes men are attracted to
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tall women. Sometimes men are attracted to thicker women or thinner women.
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And women have the same thing. Some women are attracted to muscular men.
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Some women are attracted to
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skinny men, super tall men. Some women are attracted to little dad bods.
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So it's just physical attraction. It's a personal choice.
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And some people have different attractions and you just never know what someone
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is attracted to until you meet a person. There's also emotional attraction.
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Emotional attraction makes you feel safe. You may meet a person,
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and I experienced this on a date once, where I met a person and he made me feel safe.
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I felt cared for and understood. We had a strong connection based off of previous
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childhood experiences.
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There was a connection there, I think, because of, you know,
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Sometimes you have an emotional connection or an emotional attraction with someone
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because of the way you grew up, or maybe you went to the same college,
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or maybe you went to the same high school. Those things can give emotional attraction.
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All of those emotional attractions, they will lead you to stay with a person
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that maybe you don't physically lust after.
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Intellectual attraction is the next one to me it's
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called sapiosexual if you're attracted to people that are
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intellectual and i have i'm a pretty big sapiosexual i
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like intellectual men i like people that i can have a really deep conversation
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with and some people don't care about that some people don't want a really deep
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conversation so intellectual attraction depends on you how much intellectual
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attraction do you need does their mind excite you i mean i.
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I honestly can honestly say that intellectual attraction is on the same level
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for me as physical attraction.
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So I don't want somebody that's like completely out of shape,
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but at the same time, I also want someone that's intellectually stimulating
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me. And you may love their ideas.
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You may love their vision. You may love what their ambition is.
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All that stuff is intellectual.
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And intellectual attraction is something that you can't fix if they don't have it.
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You can try, but it just doesn't work. And then there's spiritual attraction.
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And spiritual attraction is their beliefs and their values, ethics, morals.
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Those are types of things that are spiritual attraction. Do they have beliefs in God?
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Do you align with them energetically? Because some people are more spiritual,
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like in the spiritual realm, and they believe in more natural things,
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and other people don't. And then you also have lifestyle attraction.
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And this is the way someone lives. So it could be finance.
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It could be the way they live financially. It could be just the fact that they
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travel a lot. It could be the fact that they don't have children or they do
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have children or they have pets or they don't have pets.
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Does that match what you're looking for? It's really hard for someone that has
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dogs to meet someone that doesn't have dogs and mesh because a lot of people
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that don't have dogs don't have dogs because they don't really enjoy animals.
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So that's another level of attraction.
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So it's physical, it's emotional, it's intellectual, it's spiritual, and it's lifestyle.
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And each one of these attraction levels, you will have to determine what's most
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important to you. because you may find that you're emotionally attracted to
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someone intellectually, spiritually,
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and lifestyle, but the physical just doesn't do it for you. Well,
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Is that a trade-off that you can deal with? Or maybe you have everything,
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but they don't have the lifestyle.
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They don't make the kind of money you want. Is that a trade-off?
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So all of these things you have to determine. Now, if you can find somebody
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that has all five that you're physically attracted to, that you're emotionally
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attracted to, that you're intellectually attracted to.
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Spiritually attracted to, and lifestyle, and they meet all of your five,
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then you may want to go out with them a little bit and see if they might be
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a really good possible fit.
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Because if you can find somebody with all five, then you just have to determine,
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is the attraction enough to want to continue this as a relationship?
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Then we have connection. So connection happens after the attraction.
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Sometimes you can connect with the person on the first date.
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It's not like you have to wait for the attraction to occur.
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Some people say, or for the connection to occur.
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You may be attracted to someone physically on a date, but yet you connect deeply
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just by having deep conversations. Over time, connections tend to grow,
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but you have to date and see if the connections will grow.
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More about alignment of values and also what direction they're like.
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If you're a growth-minded person, you're not really going to connect well with a person that's not.
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A lot of times we as women will overlook the fact that there's not a connection
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because it feels like everything else is aligned.
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But if you don't have a deep connection on your important issues,
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it will cause problems later. People's life direction matters.
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So if you're a growth-minded person and you're going to bring a person that's
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a non-growth-minded person into a relationship with you, it's going to cause a power struggle.
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It's going to cause issues because they're not going to want to grow when you do.
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Now there's a struggle. Just remember that. And you have to trust and respect
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each other. When you don't have a connection...
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On, for instance, intellectual issues, is there going to be respect there?
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Are you going to be able to get emotionally intimate with somebody that you
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don't respect intellectually?
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You have to remember that there are issues around connection.
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Now, connection tends to happen farther along, but it can happen on the first date.
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If you can find someone you can deeply connect with, that's a really good sign.
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Connection also doesn't fade over time. When you connect with somebody,
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you feel like you're at home.
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When you connect with somebody, you feel like they might be the one.
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They might not be, but they could possibly be the one.
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The question is, are you ready for them? Because a lot of people will go on
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dates and think they're just going to date for a while and they get a connection
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with somebody and it scares them and they run away from it because a lot of people may not be ready.
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When you meet somebody that you connect with, that's a possible future partner.
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So remember, connection is only good if you're actually ready for it.
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Connection doesn't fade with time though. It's not like lust.
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It's not like surface level chemistry. It just grows stronger and stronger the
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longer you date someone. It's going to feel like home.
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It's going to feel safe. It's going to feel peaceful.
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That's what the amazing part is. And I think that's what we all want.
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If we're honest with ourselves, even the people out there that are out there
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just doing hookups, if they found someone that they could really connect with
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and they felt safe and they felt like home and they felt at peace.
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That's what everybody wants. Even the people that say they're F boys or F girls
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or whatever they are, even those people, if they could find that type of connection.
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But in order to find that connection, you also have to be ready for it.
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You have to be vulnerable.
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You have to be open to it. So people do confuse differences between sparks instead of stability.
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It's a societal confusion. We lust over people. We have chemistry,
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but that's just in the beginning.
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It can blind us to red flags when you have too much lust for someone.
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I recommend not rushing into having sex. Just take your time.
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Most relationships that start purely from lust, they crash and burn and it's
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ugly because there was no deep connection in the first place.
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To have a true connection, you've got to feel calm, not chaotic.
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The person needs to be consistent and disciplined with you like they are in
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everything in their life. If they're not, it's chaotic. Most people make the
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mistake that calmness is a lack of passion, but calmness is actually what calms your spirit.
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It gives you safety. It gives you peace. It lets you feel like you're home.
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And you need that. You need the consistency and you need the calmness.
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But you should wait to sleep with the person, and the reason why is especially
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if you want to date the person more than once or twice.
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Because if you roll into bed with them on the first or second date,
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what else are they going to need you for?
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That turns more into a sex friend instead of a connection, and it may just be a one-time sex friend.
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If you really like the person, hold back.
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Don't sleep with them right away. See if there is a true connection.
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If you want to turn them into a friends with benefits later because there's
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no true connection, fine.
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But if you feel strongly that there could be a connection, don't sleep with the person.
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Heck, some people say not even to give them a kiss on the first date.
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You should just give them a hug.
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If you feel deeply that there's something there, don't move fast. Take your time.
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Don't jump into bed with someone quickly because it definitely,
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it makes you ignore red flags. If you can actually see if you're connected with
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the person and there's no red flags, wow. That's a true deep connection.
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That's someone you're going to really want to meet. Be with.
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Once intimacy happens, there's hormones that get kicked off in the body.
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It's called oxytocin and dopamine. And it kicks in and it makes it really hard
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to disconnect from someone if they're not a good fit.
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Keep physical intimacy at bay. It should be a reward after you've built trust anyway.
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Honestly, I think people jump into bed. And with all the STDs out there,
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you've got to be careful who you're sleeping with anyway.
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Let's just take a break. Let's calm down. Let's see if there's actually a true connection.
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Then you don't have to worry about getting your heart broken.
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The more you get to know someone, the more layers of attraction that you're going to find as well.
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It's either going to strengthen it or it's going to completely disappear.
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I think you should wait three months.
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I think it should be three months from the time you meet someone to be intimate
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with someone, especially if you like them.
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Now, if this is going to be some other type of arrangement, situationship or
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friends with benefits, that's a different story.
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But if you want to see if this is a right fit, you should be sleeping with someone
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for before three months.
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And some people say, wait until you're engaged. Some people say,
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wait till you're married. I think three months is good.
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I personally wouldn't marry someone unless I knew that we were sexually compatible
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as well. But yeah, three months, that's not too long to wait.
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Because the funny thing is, is a lot of people won't make it to three months.
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Within a month, you see all their red flags and you're like, okay, moving on.
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Realize that you're going to go through a lot more people this way, but that's good.
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Because if you didn't and you got involved in a relationship,
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you could go six, nine months with somebody that's not right just because you
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have all the oxytocin going around.
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So if you wait to get intimate with someone for three months and you've got
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their personality and you really like their personality, then when you're intimate
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with them, it's not going to have you ignore the red flags.
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Now, keep your wits about you still, because you could still ignore red flags, but try not to.
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Quick intimacy, it does trap people into situationships.
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A lot of times, men will also ghost you after you sleep with them.
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Realize that that might very well happen. Or women ghost men after they sleep
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together. It's not just a male thing. So the age of ghosting,
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I really think, is so disrespectful to the other side.
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I don't believe in it. If someone doesn't want to be with me,
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they should just tell me. If someone doesn't like you, why ghost?
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So if you're contacting someone and they just stop talking to you and they ghost
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you, it's ridiculous at this point. How old are we?
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I mean, we're in our 40s, 50s, 60s. We're mature adults, and a lot of us are
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behaving like we're toddlers.
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Or like we got in a fight on a playground, and somebody hurt my feelings,
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so I'm just not going to talk to them anymore.
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It's ridiculous at this point. So let's go back to attraction.
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So attraction evolves. It starts physical.
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But over time, it grows deeper into emotional connections and intellectual attraction
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if there is compatibility there.
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So after a month, I think you'll start to see whether that attraction is growing into something more.
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And the more you get to know someone, the more layers of attraction that exist.
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It either strengthens it or dissipates. A beautiful face can become unattractive
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once you get to know someone, especially if they disrespect you.
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On the other hand, a person who seemed average or a little chunky or a little
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bit overweight may become the most beautiful person in the world to you once
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you get to know their personality because it matters what's on the inside. It truly does.
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And I think a lot of times people look for the outside and they overlook the inside.
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And when you find someone that's got a true pure heart, someone that loves deeply,
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someone that cares for you as much as they care for themselves.
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That's when you find a true attraction and a true partner.
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And people ignore that sometimes.
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And it's not just men that go for the best looking women and forget about what's inside.
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Sometimes women do too. And they look for the best looking man or the man that's got the best job.
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And they forget that you need a guy that's a good quality person,
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a person that's got a good soul that's going to take care of you, not just ignore you.
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So just remember that attraction does matter about the personality of the person
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and make sure that you know that however they are deep, it does matter.
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Attraction is dynamic. It's like the connection solidifies over long term love.
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So it's it's dynamic. And then once you know that you found the one,
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here's some things that you should realize. You should feel safe with them.
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Men and women should feel safe. So if you found your one and they're only talking
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to you once a week and that doesn't make you feel safe, it's not your one.
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If you find your one and you're nervous being around them alone, that's not
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not your wand. So your number one thing is the person you're going to be with
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should make you feel safe.
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They should respect you. They should respect your boundaries,
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and they should respect your opinions.
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So remember, I think we had a podcast a week ago that talked about respect is
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one of the number one things you need to look for in any relationship. And then attention.
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Attention is so important. If they're not giving you the correct attention that
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you need, then you're going to not want to stay in the relationship.
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And then the last one is security. So if they're not giving you the security
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you want, why are you there?
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You know, security is not just financial, it's also safety.
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Safety is such a big thing, ladies. The relationship should feel reciprocal.
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What you give, they should give back to you.
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Maybe not in the same exact way, but in other ways. Both people have to be invested.
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It can't just be one-sided. You have to feel attracted and connected at the
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same time. This is chemistry, but also trust.
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Trust comes with a depth and a shared vision in what you want to do in life.
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You can be yourself fully without fear of judgment with someone that you're really connected with.
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Conflict just goes away. You probably have similar argumentative styles.
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You probably don't yell at your partner. When you connect like this,
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conflict just mounts away. It's much easier to resolve arguments.
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You've got to be consistent. That's the big theme of the year,
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I think, is consistency. Their words and actions, they need to line up.
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It can't just be said and then never gets fixed.
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That's the most important thing when you feel peaceful and not chaotic.
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Chemistry is fun. I mean, it's very powerful to lust after someone for a while,
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but attraction is multilayered and connection is the deepest level you can feel.
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Part of connection is alignment.
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Alignment is very important. That means that you've got four or five areas that
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you're just really connecting or really vibing on.
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It's when two people's values, lifestyles, goals, maybe the timing in their
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lives, because it may be sometimes you meet a person and that's your soulmate,
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but they're not ready to receive or they're not ready to be in your life right now.
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Maybe they wanted to go work out a little bit more and get better shape.
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Maybe they still need to heal mentally.
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Maybe they're just going through a bunch of stuff.
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So without alignment, even the strongest chemistry or attraction eventually
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falls apart. Alignment means that you just feel so connected and at home with this person.
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The questions you need to ask yourself about alignment is, do I value the same things?
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And is my moral compass the same as the partner I want to be with?
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If you both view things honestly, is loyalty and integrity important to you?
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Some people it is, some people it's not.
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Make a list of five things and rate them, you know, in order with your partner
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to see if there's a deeper connection.
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Because don't ask, because a lot of times people are deceptive.
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When they write it down, they seem to be a little bit more truthful.
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If one value from the family values freedom and one person in the family values
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independence, you're going to butt heads over that.
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So just realize that. Your lifestyle alignment.
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Do you like to sleep in? Does the other person wake up early?
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Are there day-to-day things that have to get done that you expect each other
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to do? You may want to put together a chart like a lot of people do with their
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kids to make sure things are aligned and taken care of in the household.
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Do your life goals align? Sometimes people want to go for, you know, different positions.
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Does it align with what you're looking for? Then there's the emotional alignment again.
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If you are, you have both equally capable of giving and receiving love,
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you're going to have some emotional alignment.
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I think a lot of people don't want, they say they want a relationship,
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but then when they go out, they get too scared. and they walk away.
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That's somebody that's not emotionally ready. It's somebody that's not emotionally aligned.
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The timing matters because you could be trying to date someone that's a year
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out or two years out of a marriage
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and they're still a little messed up. If that happens, it's going to be really
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hard to align with them because the timing's just not right for them.
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I've seen this with so many different guys.
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They act like they're ready to date, but they're not. They're not ready at all.
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They throw up all their issues on you, and it's just not a good alignment.
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But people do confuse alignment with chemistry, but it's not.
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Alignment is definitely not chemistry. Just remember that. And then while you're
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waiting, okay, Because a lot of
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times you need to wait for someone that's really going to align for you.
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Going into intimacy with anyone too soon is going to kill any possible alignment you have.
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Because if you align with somebody or you think you do, this might be the person that you have.
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Again, a good minimum time frame is three months. Make sure if they're words match their actions.
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Do your values overlap? Are you both moving towards similar futures?
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Those are important things with anyone you align with. Attraction evolves into
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alignment sometimes as well. Because you could have a physical attraction that
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evolves into alignment because maybe you both work out together and that's an alignment.
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You were initially attracted to this growth-minded person. They become a magnet
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and therefore you align.
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Once you've figured all of this out and all the things you want,
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then you need to know when you found your person.
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It feels like you're at home. It feels safe. It feels very comfortable.
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There shouldn't be any red flags. It should inspire you to grow.
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There's consistency and respect.
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Don't confuse consistency and respect
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for you know a lack of attraction
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because consistency and respect just means that you're giving person
23:55
across from you the level of respect that they deserve but
23:58
you do need to voice your value your visions your opinions and then you can
24:03
feel safe and desired and have deep peace just wanted to wrap up today i wanted
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to tell you the different things that are related to alignment and why that's
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your ultimate goal not just a connection but a true alignment.
24:15
And I do hope that everyone finds their one, and their one that is really good
24:20
for them to help them grow.
24:22
This is Diva Mia. I hope you've had a wonderful week. Take care. Bye-bye.
24:28
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24:32
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