Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 032: The Healing You Can’t Do Alone

Transcript

032: The Healing You Can’t Do Alone · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Frederica Davis, wellness expert, entrepreneur, and creator of the Limitless Reset Method.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: So today is Wellness Reset Thursday, and we get to talk about habits and shifts and strategies that help your body, your mind, and your nervous system all reset so that you can actually feel good and like yourself again.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So there are parts of your life you can fix on your own.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely 100%.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Then there are parts that you simply can't fix on your own.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how strong you are, no matter how much work you've done, no matter how much you have it all together, some healing doesn't happen alone.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: So let me tell you where I'm going with this.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: I went to a small theater this weekend to see Steel Magnolias, little local community theater.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I didn't expect it to hit me the way that it did.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't just because of the storyline.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we've all most of us have seen Steel Magnolias, not because of the storyline, but because of what was actually happening underneath it.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I went to support someone that I care about, someone who started as a client, then became a friend, and whose daughter actually was my saving grace during one of my hardest seasons in my life when I was a single mom, trying to hold it all together, and she became my nanny and they became family.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So kind of just being there already meant a little something.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: But what really stayed with me wasn't the play.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't even the play.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was actually something that happened after the play.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I went out to dinner.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I took a friend with me, another friend, and we went out to dinner.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere in that conversation, I found myself sharing parts of my story that I don't always share.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's that the real stuff, the messy stuff, the parts that for a long time I thought, ugh, if people really knew this about me, they might see me differently stuff.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And what happened next is something that I have seen hundreds of times at this point in my office, in my treatment room, but it still always catches me just a tiny bit off guard.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I really take it to heart.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of judgment, instead of distance, there was connection.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And my sharing something from my upbringing, my past, my trials and tribulations, we'll say, it opened the door for her to share more of her story.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And in that moment, of course, I thought, right here, this is it.
• 3:30
  unknown: Okay.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is what we're actually craving.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can be surrounded by people, and you can have friends, you can have coworkers, you can have a full calendar, be out socially all the time, all of that, and then still feel like no one really sees you.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because there is a big difference between being around people and actually being known.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about this today from a body perspective for a minute, because this is not just emotional, this is actually physical.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system heals through safety, and that means safe people, safe spaces, and safe moments.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: So when you feel safe with somebody, now when that happens and you feel connected and bonded, it naturally then reduces cortisol, which is your stress hormone.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when that reduces, it then supports your immune system.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: It also helps to regulate your other hormones.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: It calms your nervous system, reduces your stress, it makes your body actually feel safe.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it stops holding on to everything so tightly.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: So when your body does not feel safe, it holds on to stress, inflammation, even your weight.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So when you have a reduction in cortisol, an increase in oxytocin and connection, and you start to regulate and calm the nervous system, all sorts of benefits can happen physically.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Your body does not just heal from what you eat or how you move, it heals from who you feel safe with.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's the piece that so many of us mess.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I see this with glance all the time.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: They push and push and push and do the next extreme this and the next extreme that, and they push and push and push, and they miss out on this piece.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then they wonder why they can't break the plateau they're on, why they still, you know, are not sleeping well, why they can't lose the weight, whatever it is, right?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Rainfob, whatever it is.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So something that I have learned over all my years in life and in what I do is that being liked is not the same thing as being known.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can be liked in your workplace, you can be liked in all of your social circles, respected, you can be liked online, but you're still not necessarily being seen because you're performing a version of yourself that fits the environment.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, there are times this is 100% appropriate.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to divulge everything to everybody all the time.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: But when that becomes how you show up all the time or most of the time, there's a cost to you.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: It creates an internal stress, it creates emotional fatigue, and then over time it disconnects you from yourself.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: So there's so many different types of relations out there, and not all relationships heal you.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just say this honestly, and let's say it out loud.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not all relationships are healing relationships.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I have worked with women for over 40 years.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I've lived this personally too.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: There are gossip-based friendships, transactional friendships, draining friendships, history-only friendships.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the truth: most people will not say this, but some people they don't support your healing or your thriving.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: All they do is support patterns.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: So when you start changing, when you start growing and you start evolving, when you start breaking out of some of those patterns, any of them, not everyone's gonna like it.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Some people will cheer you on, some people will feel threatened, and some people will pull away entirely.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: That does not mean you're doing anything wrong.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: It means that you're evolving, and they might not be, or they might not be comfortable with it.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's as simple as that.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or they might not know how to keep up or how to handle it.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not your stuff, it's their stuff.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not yours to carry either.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Let me add that.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody starts to pull away from you because you're growing and evolving and they don't come along with you, it's a wonderful thing for you as a friend to be supportive and to help guide them so they can.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: But if they really don't, it's not your stuff to carry.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to carry everybody else's stuff.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: We'll just put it like that.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not yours to carry.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So having the right circle around you is so critically important.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the right circle doesn't just comfort you, they challenge you.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: They actually tell you the truth and hold you accountable.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: They still love you even when you mess up, even when they disagree with you, even when they think you're being stupid, they still love you anyway.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, this is a common thread through if you've ever seen steel magnolias, you know.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the truth.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: They, you know, you'll have different personalities.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Each person will have their quirks, each person will be annoying sometimes.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we can all be like that.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: We're all human and we all have mistakes.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we have a past, maybe you have this, maybe of that, whatever.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: The ones that really matter, and the ones you want to keep in your circle, they don't require you to shrink, to stay connected.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something really, really important.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Real connection with others isn't always soft, it isn't always kind and easy.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not that's honest and brutal and blunt.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it calls you out right on the spot or later and calls you forward, but there's still a love and acceptance behind it.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: So being seen is so critically important.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where so many of you stop.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: You really stop.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: You you can have all the right people in your life or think you do, but if you still feel alone, it's probably going to be because you're not letting yourself be actually known and seen.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I really do see this all the time, too.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I had a client not too long ago that was in, and it was a first session, and I could just see it, I couldn't feel it.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: There was more there.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't ready to say it yet.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I shared something from my own history, something from my own story that would not be something I would share with everybody, but I knew I could just feel she needed that.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: She needed that open door.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't share everything, but just enough.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: So she knew she wasn't alone.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And in that moment, every single thing shifted for her.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: She realized she was not alone in the world.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: So when you share parts of yourself, parts of your history, yes, it's risky.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but it's powerful.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: It can be really powerful, not just for you, but for the people around you.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: So she realized she wasn't alone.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And she realized at that moment, wait a minute, I'm not the, I'm not necessarily broken beyond belief.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And okay, if you can be okay after that, then maybe I can be okay after this, right?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: So she had this realization.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I could see it all over her face, and as we talked, and it was a safe space.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: What I provided for her in that coaching session, in that whole self-reset session, um, was a safe space.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it became the moment when she felt like she wasn't alone.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: She knew she wasn't judged, she didn't feel like she was being judged.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: So it took all that preconceived fear that she had around sharing her hurt, what she was carrying around with her for fear of being judged by the people in her own life.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And there she was with a complete stranger giving it to her, and I was holding space and giving her that option, that open door to let that out and to wrestle with that, release that, and not be judged by that.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: That equaled a different kind of connection than she was used to having.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: So the session took an enormous turn for her.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: It was the most valuable part of the entire session.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was so clearly obvious I could see it.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And later, she has multiple times said the same thing.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: So it was not necessarily the hands-on work that took place that day.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was that moment where she felt seen, she felt heard, she felt accepted, she felt like it was okay, and she felt hope, and she started to understand and see what was possible.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that's priceless.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to give you some actionable takeaways where this whole topic is concerned, because there's a few things you can do in your world that are simple, and you can do them this week.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: To start feeling like you're more connected, to start feeling like you're seen.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want you to do this week.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to number one, audit your circle.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, what does that mean?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: How do you audit your circle?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to make a list of paper.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, get out a piece of paper, make a list, and write down all of your friends.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Who's your circle at work?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Who's your circle in your personal life?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Who's your circle?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you close to in your family?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can anybody it is.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if it's somebody you're related to, somebody you know as an acquaintance, because sometimes the acquaintances you feel the safest with, I've seen that as well, experienced it too.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to write all that down.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then I want you to ask yourself three things when you look at this list.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, who on this list feels safe?
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Who is it that you could really confide in?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: You feel like they might be the person.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Who in this circle is draining?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I don't care if these are these are relatives or or friends or coworkers, whatever.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just take a look at your circle.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then where are you holding back?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the three questions as you're looking at your circle.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Where is it you are holding back?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, what I want you to do this week is have one real conversation.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not everything, don't divulge everything under on the planet, but just something that's really honest with somebody who feels safe in your circle.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm gonna be very honest with you here.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you did this, if you do this audit and you're like, nobody in my circle feels safe, I just don't feel like that anywhere.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then at that point, you're gonna want to ask yourself, how am I gonna expand my circle and how am I gonna pull back from some of these people?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because you deserve to have people in your life that make you feel safe.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve to feel connected to others.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: We are not meant to walk this planet alone.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: We are meant to be a community.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're not to be meant to be soloists.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I do not believe that.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: We were, in my mind, my beliefs, we are we were created to be connected to each other, supportive of each other.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: We were created to be community, to experience love and acceptance, even when we have disagreements.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Simple as that.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: So number three, pay attention to your body as you're doing these.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Who it who is it on your list in your circle that calms you?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: And who is it that tightens your chest?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now your body's gonna tell you the truth far quicker than your mind ever will, because our mind tries to justify and explain things.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you want to ask yourself those questions.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna leave you with one reflection question as we do most episodes.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sit with this for a little while.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself where in my life am I being liked, but not really known.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I'm leaving you with today.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: If this conversation resonated with you, maybe got your juices flowing or hit home, then join us in the Limitless Living community so we can continue the conversation and you can get some support and connect with some amazing women.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone who might need to hear it, share it with them.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't already done so, leave a review.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: It helps women find the show.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can visit my website at www.fredrika davis.com and get your free reset guide and learn more about connecting.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the bottom line sometimes the healing you're looking for is not about another strategy.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's a conversation that you have likely been avoiding.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's where everything begins.