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How to Heal Your Inner Child to Become a Healthy Adult with Michelle Chalfant · Reclaiming Consciousness

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: We really want to come into a relationship with awareness of self and also awareness that the other person that we are in a relationship with is also bringing all of their stuff to the table as well.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_03: Anxiety is the physical manifestation of unfelt emotions.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: We all have wounding.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care who you are.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: You have wounding.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: I have wounding.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_03: The question is, is what are you doing with it?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_03: You know, are you willing to take a look and are you willing to look at your own stuff first?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reclaiming Consciousness.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Elise Bassine, spiritual mentor, breathwork practitioner, and owner and CEO of Elise Breeds.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: For many years, our consciousness has been hijacked by societal and cultural programming, religion, the media, and familial and ancestral trauma.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, during this epic time in history, people are waking up, realizing who they really are, and reclaiming the pieces of their consciousness that they unknowingly gave away.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is an exploration of how so many spectacular humans are leading the way in exiting the matrix and reclaiming who they really are and what they're capable of.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: In this show, you'll meet exceptional people who are paving the way in raising consciousness and creating a new way of living on this earth.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Get ready to go deep.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's dive in.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hi everyone, welcome back to the show.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm really excited for this week's guest.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: She is Michelle Schalfond.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: And you guys have to check her out.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: She has a really amazing podcast that I am going to be a guest on.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think the episode comes out sometime this month.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: But she has been a therapist and coach for I think like 25 years.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: And she created her own methodology called the Adult Chair and is very similar to my work.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And we have such an amazing conversation about the importance of working with and healing the inner child to become a healthy adult.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, we have this really interesting conversation around what does it even mean to be a healthy adult and why that's important.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: And how so many people are unknowingly acting and making decisions and living life from either their child or adolescent self, and how that creates challenges, problems, blocks, and how to work with those pieces of yourself so that you can be operating from your healthy adult self so that your life becomes a lot easier.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Relationships, business all become a hell of a lot easier.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I love Michelle.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: We just had such a great connection from the minute that we we recorded for her podcast first, and we just immediately connected.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: We're like so on the same page.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I think you're gonna love this conversation that we had.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Just a couple of quick things before we dive into the episode.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: We have the high frequency channel Mastermind starting this month.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And for those of you who have been thinking about it, this is really for you if you're really at any point in business, because this is to help you to use the metamorphosis method breathwork to tap into your channel and channel your zone of genius for your business.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I've seen this work in so many ways for all of my clients.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, starting from the very beginning when I had my first group of people go through the metamorphosis and I watched them not only clear their trauma and untangle from their old patterns, but then everyone would discover their zone of genius, these healing modalities that were meant to come through them and these very specific ways that they were meant to share their genius with the world.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then it would start to happen so quickly that they were leaving their jobs and starting their businesses around these very specific things that only they were meant to share, that they were able to tap into through the metamorphosis method breath work.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: So that's what we're going to be focusing on in the mastermind.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it is a very close proximity journey with me, where not only are we having group calls, but also you get two private calls with me where we're gonna go really deep into helping you access your channel in the best way for you.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: And not only that, but also how to access your specific zone of genius so that you can set yourself apart in the industry because it's so important right now to be able to clearly articulate what differentiates you from everyone else that's out there.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: And there are very specific things that differentiate you.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's just about tapping into those things and channeling them and articulating them in a very clear and concise way.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you will be able to do that inside this mastermind.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's been something for me that over and over and over again, I have tapped into my channel to create what I've created and really have gone beyond logical thinking, although I'm not saying I never think logically, but there are so many ways where it would have made sense.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: For example, I used to have the accelerated wealth mastermind, which was, you know, focused on business and money.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, that quote unquote made sense for my business.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: But what I was being shown is that I was meant to be doing something much different with my clients, which is more around channeling and channeling your zone of genius for your business.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I listened to that and I shifted things around and ended up having a 50K launch right after that with my other program, the Sacred Six Figure Initiation, and channeled all of these very specific things that I was meant to teach in that container, along with channeling this container.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: And this all comes to me through my channel.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I have used my specific breath work to tap into that to be able to maintain the type of business that I've had for the last four years and never, you know, not having a five-figure month and having high five-figure months.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So this stuff works.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: And the other thing I just want to say is that if you truly want to create something that leaves a legacy and that builds wealth for you and that is really a true expression of the truth of who you are, it's not gonna be done by following someone else's template or someone else's formula.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone who creates a legacy taps into something greater than them and channels that through to create something that's never been created before.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: And this is what you're gonna tap into here in the high frequency channel mastermind.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I just really believe that this is where we're going in business.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so much less about what other people are doing and so much more about tapping into exactly what's meant to come through you.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: And you can receive not only ideas or visions, but also very specific details about how to move, how to position yourself, strategy, content, all of the things.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just so excited to be sharing this with you inside this space.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be very intimate, very special, and like I said, very hands-on, where you're going to have close proximity with me the entire time, along with the Telegram chat where you're gonna be able to receive coaching every day.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are desiring to be in proximity with me and other really high vibe, amazing women, business owners and entrepreneurs and be supported in creating your legacy, then this is for you.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: So reach out to me.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, we start this month.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have the exact start date yet because we're still building the group, but reach out to me to chat about if this is a fit for you.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I will leave it there.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Enjoy the episode.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, everyone.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the show.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I am so excited for today's conversation.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Today I have Michelle Shalfan with me on the show.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: She is the creator of the Adult Chair Podcast, a therapist, master life coach, all of the things.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna let her introduce herself to you.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: So welcome to the show, Michelle.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you, Elise.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_03: I love being back with you again.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: We were just talking about you were just on my show last week, and it was so great to have you as well.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I know it was so fun, and we had such a great conversation.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: So, can you just tell the listeners just a little bit about you and maybe anything you want to share about your story, and then we'll go from there.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: So much to tell.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: Let me let me see if I could like take the long story and summarize it way down.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: So became a therapist 20 some years ago.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_03: Never really resonated with me, to be perfectly honest with you.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: Even when I started out, I was really intuitive and I kept feeling like this is not, this is not the way to go.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: So right away, I noticed I loved to teach and also do more coaching in my sessions.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: I officially got certified as a coach many years later.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: But along the way, another thing that I've always loved to do is to work on myself and really do a lot of deep personal work.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_03: And I would find that the more I worked with myself, the more I could help my clients.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: So along the way, did a lot of that, created a model called the Adult Chair.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: It's based on, gosh, so many different teachers that I've had along the way, but also a lot of client feedback on what works and what doesn't work.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_03: So it's a model that teaches people how to live as healthy adults.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that sounds simple, but you'd be amazed that how many of us like you know, I'm not gonna interrupt you too much, but like most people don't know how to live as healthy adults.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: And also we are the product of parents who did not know how to live as healthy adults.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: So that is, although simple, very important.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: You you nailed it.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, you nailed it.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: How the hell are we supposed to be healthy adults if our parents weren't healthy?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: And again, I really do believe our parents do the best they can do.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: I did the best that I could do as a mom.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: You know, my husband did the best he could do.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: But, you know, we have stuff.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: We have childhood wounding, as you well know.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: And so the adult chair model, it breaks down three different phases of our lives.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_03: So we've got phase one is all about living as a child, and that's age zero to six.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's considered, and then after age six, the child becomes the inner child, okay?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's kind of steps inside of us.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: Then we develop into what we call the adolescent.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: So there's the adolescent chair.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_03: So we've got the child chair, the adolescent chair.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_03: And then around the age of 25, we step right into the adult chair.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: If we had healthy parenting, if we had healthy modeling.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_03: So each phase, though, we learn very different things.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: So the child is all about learning about our emotions, what our true needs are.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: The adolescent is all about the development of the ego.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: So here's where we learn all about the false self, codependency.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: We learn how to keep ourselves safe, because the ego is all based in I got to keep you safe and I've got to keep you alive.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_03: So this is where we really begin to change who we are and we become overlaid with these masks, which again is the false self that so many, if not most of us, live by.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: And that's who we think we truly are.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: And then again, if we had healthy, healthy parents that taught us and modeled for us what healthy looks like, then we naturally slip into this adult chair, which this is where we live in the moment, where we have healthy relationships, where we live with fact and truth versus story and assumption.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: This is where we set healthy boundaries.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_03: And again, some of us have some of those things, but what I have found over almost 25 years of seeing clients is that we are really adolescents living in grown-up clothes.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we were all dressed up as adults, right?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: But we're not really healthy adults.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_03: So my mission in the world really seems to be that I'm here to help people learn how to do just that.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: So I have this adult chair podcast.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: Most people tell me it's like getting weekly free therapy because I just, it's very easy.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: Everything I teach is very easy, very structured.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: This is what you do to alleviate anxiety.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: This is what you do to alleviate your codependency or whatever it might be.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: I have an adult chair coaching certification program.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: And I do a lot of different courses all throughout the year, as well as live events.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: So, and I just, by the way, very excited to share this, just turned in another book for publishing.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_03: So that'll come out next year.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: So the big adult chair book I call it is coming out next year.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: So it's exciting.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's super exciting.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I love this.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm so excited to dive in because you know I love talking about all this stuff.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's funny, I was just talking about this yesterday with a client around, you know, how most people are showing up in the world in some version of what you call the adolescent chair or the inner child, right?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: And they have no idea that they are reacting and making decisions and taking action as that version of themselves.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so important to have that awareness and especially in relationships.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that's one of the things we wanted to dive into today.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And there's so much here, but for you, what do you think is the most important lens for us to look at relationships through, healthy relationships?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: And this is the thing.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: We want to look at and not only look at it, but look at show up in our healthy adult self.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: And that's where we want to have relationships.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: But unfortunately, and I'm gonna admit it right now, I picked my husband, I was in my adolescent chair.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_03: I remember thinking, okay, oh my God, he's so cool.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: He has a beeper.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like this was like way back when.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my God, this is really cool.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: I have to give you that.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, but I mean, I was in high school when they were cool, but it was like, if he had a beeper, he was cool.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm sorry.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_03: And this is when cell phones were like, and and this we got married in oh my god, 96.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: I'm old.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but I mean, I gotta tell you, I got I remember like he had a beeper, he had a company car, he had a phone, he was great looking.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, oh my God, he's the perfect guy.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_03: And then got married within a year, and then realized, like, whoa, what are all these issues coming up?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_03: So the thing that we want to do, and of course, most of us do this, you know, we fall in love and then we go, wait, what happened?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_03: Why are you changing?
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_03: And the thing is, as you well know, because you know a lot about this topic as well, our stuff is within us.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we've got all this childhood wounding and we bring it to the table in any relationship that we're in.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: But predominantly our primary partnership, this is where all that childhood wounding is gonna come up and show itself.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: So we really want to come into a relationship with awareness of self and also awareness that the other person that we are in a relationship with is also bringing all of their stuff to the table as well.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: I think coming into a relationship with that awareness is key.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_03: Like right there, it's like, okay, I need to really look at myself more than anything.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_03: But there are a couple other things that I would say as well, which you also want to come to the table, having healthy communication.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_03: You cannot expect your partner to be a psychic and know every single thing that you want and that you need and that how you're feeling.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care if you've been with them for 20 years.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_03: You've got to be able to have healthy communication.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_03: And the last one would be and my brain is going through like 15 things.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_03: Hold on, repair, healthy repair.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_03: So we've got having awareness around your stuff, communication and repair would be those three things to come to the table with if you're gonna get into a relationship.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I kind of want to dive into all of these, but I feel like we should dive into communication first because I literally feel like this is the problem in not only just in every romantic partnership, but just in every problem that people have is literally they're just not communicating properly.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it's usually because they're communicating from that, you know, what you would call adolescent chair or child chair, right?
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, let's dive into that.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why don't we know how to communicate?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because I found this for myself too when I went through, you know, I've been married for 11 years, and a few years ago, we went through a whole transition in our marriage where we were like, okay, we got to work on this or it's like done.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things I realized is like I literally could not communicate, like I could not express my needs in an authentic way to my husband.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, now I can, but why is this such a problem in every relationship from your view?
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: Probably is the same as your view, but it's all of our wounding.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: It's all of the wounding that we have along the way.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: I know for myself with my husband, and it's so perfect, as you know, we pick unconsciously.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: Now just hear this.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: It's not consciously, it's unconsciously.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: We picked the perfect partner for us based on what we knew growing up.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: So when I grew up, I came from upstate New York, Italian family.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: My father was this identical twin.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: His identical twin was like a rager, alcoholic, but my dad was this very, very soft spoken, beautiful soul sort of man.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: Just loved my dad.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: But his twin nobody liked, nobody wanted around, but they were identical twins.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_03: So they were together all the time.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: My dad would always bring him in.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_03: So that was the real big problem in our family.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_03: I think every family has at least one of those people.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_03: And um, what do you know?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_03: So my uncle, when he would get really angry, he'll he had a lot of rage.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: He would like perch his lips, like squeeze his teeth to his lips kind of thing.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_03: So guess what?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_03: I marry someone, he's not a rager, he's not a rager at all.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: Graham, my husband, when he does get angry, any human gets angry, that's very normal.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_03: He will perch his lips.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_03: And when he would do that, and it could be when the kids did something, he would go, stop doing that, you know, his lips would tighten, just like my uncle, thinking, what are the chances of, you know, finding a man that would do exactly what that guy did, you know, when I grew up.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_03: And again, because it was this Italian family, it were so enmeshed with each other.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: We lived with them all summer at this lake house.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_03: He was over all the time.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: So I almost consider this Italian family of mine as my nuclear family, even though they were my extended family.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: So any trauma that I experienced just came from this very tight family that we were in, very enmeshed, no boundaries whatsoever.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_03: But anyway, so what are the chances that my husband would freaking perch his lips just like my uncle?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_03: So when Graham would do that, and it didn't happen very often, but when he did, I would leave my body because that's what I did when I was growing up.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I knew to do.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: When you're a little kid and you're in an environment like that where there's yelling or screaming and alcohol abuse and all these things, you can't leave.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_03: So I would leave my body.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: I just went, whoop, I'm out.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: See you later.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: So I would do that a ton with Graham in the very beginning of our relationship.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I remember I would think in my brain would think, why are you raising your voice with the kids?
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_03: And again, didn't do it all the time.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: But when he did it, sometimes I was like, what the hell are you doing?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: But it was like I was frozen and I left my body.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_03: I remember starting personal work around that when the kids were really young.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I realized, yeah, I'm going into a freeze response.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: And I am five years old.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: I'm reverting to my five-year-old.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: But again, this is what I was saying in the beginning: the awareness of my stuff.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: I started doing that inner child work, which was so beautiful, this beautiful inner child work.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_03: And I was able to unfreeze her, and then she could then honestly step aside and let this adult me come in and say, hold on a second, whatever kid he was upset with, you know, or me, my whatever he was upset with, I'd say, Well, hold on a second, let's talk about this.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: And then he'd eat, we would talk about it and it would change and shift.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: But in the beginning, anyone, and I will say anyone, even outside of my family or if someone at the grocery store perched their lip, I would feel realize I would do this freeze response.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_03: So this is just what we do.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_03: So you got to be aware of that.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: And then once you're aware of it, you do the work and then you can communicate about it.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_03: Then you can share, wow, this is what's going on with me.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: This is what I need right now.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: Please stop.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: Or then you speak your boundaries.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: But, you know, I worked with people for years.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: They would come in and say, Can you help me with my boundaries?
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I would never start with boundaries.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_03: I can give you right now 50 boundary scripts to use with your partner, with your kids, with your boss, with your whomever.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_03: However, if you are freezing in a response when they do something, right, you can't use the boundary.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: If you have low self-worth, you can't set a boundary.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: If you're in a child state, you can't set a boundary.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: So we need to do this inner work in order to have these healthy relationships and healthy anything, honestly.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's so funny.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: I used to say that to people too when they would ask me about boundaries.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, I could tell you what to say, but if your energy is not behind it, you can say whatever you want.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're in that like freeze state or you are in that child state, you could say whatever you want.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's not gonna land.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like you have to do that work first.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: So then you setting a boundary is actually coming from an embodied place versus you just saying the words because that's not actually gonna do anything.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's interesting, and I love your take on this.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like so much.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Traditional like talk therapy kind of work will just focus on, like, for example, whatever problem the person is bringing to the table, or if it's a couple, whatever problem is going on with the couple and just looking at those circumstances and then trying to help them with that instead of actually getting to the bottom of what's going on.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's why people don't get very far.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_03: I really, really, really agree with you.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's why what I created with this adult charity, we do a lot of parts work and it's my own version of parts work.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_03: I don't do IFS.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: I remember one of my coaches brought it to me and said, Is this IFS?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, no, IFS to me is a little bit confusing.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_03: No judgment here though.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: If you do IFS, I mean, if you do IFS and you love it, phenomenal.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_03: For me, I'm just gonna say it didn't land with me.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, this is confusing.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_03: I've been doing parts work for 20 some years.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_03: Mine is a little bit more energetic, more shamanic.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: I'm using, you know, just take the energy out, let the energy go back to the sun or send it out to the, you know, that kind of thing.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_03: And it works fast.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_03: I'm all about let's get to the heart of the matter.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: Let's work this energy in the body.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: It's just we're always working with energy.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's energy.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_03: Emotions are quote unquote blocks.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it's not like you have a cinder block in you, although it might feel like that, but it's an energy that's creating that feeling.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: So that's why I love doing the parts work because in fact, within the adult chair, that's probably one of the things that we do more than anything.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: And to me, inner child work is a part.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_03: So that's also a lot of parts work that we typically do in the model.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: So for someone who's maybe newer to this term parts work, like can you explain to people what that is and what that looks like?
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_03: So when we think about ourselves, we want to realize that we are not just one self.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_03: We're actually a collection of selves.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_03: And what's that Pixar movie?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: Is it called Inside Out with those little Oh yeah.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: So cute.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: That's that's how I see it.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you got this little part of you that gets anxious, you got a part of you that gets depressed, you got a part of you that gets overwhelmed, you got a part of you that controls everything.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_03: What happens is these parts form when we're really, really young as we go through life in order to protect us.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_03: They're not bad parts.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: They're not trying to hurt us.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: When we're controlling, it's not because we're bad people, it's because we learned that if we didn't control or change a situation, it's it could be really scary for us.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_03: So we learn these things.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: They're not bad, but as we start to do our own personal work, start our own healing journey to become this healthier adult self and we become aware of these parts, we can actually transform these parts.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: So these collection of parts, if you will, make up a whole.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_03: And if you think about doing a puzzle, right?
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_03: A 500-piece puzzle or 100-piece puzzle, it's all these little puzzle pieces, but when you put it together, it creates a whole puzzle or a picture of something.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_03: Same goes for ourselves.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_03: So I'll say to myself, even like in my daily dialogue within myself, I'll say, oh well, there's my controlling part.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_03: Let me pause.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_03: And I can communicate with that part of me.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_03: And then guess what?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_03: The control lessens.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_03: It starts to transform itself.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_03: So that's what I mean by parts work.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_03: And people would come in and say, I'm so codependent.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'd say, let's change that.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_03: You have a part of you that is, but you have another part of you that's not.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: You have many parts that aren't.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_03: But that might be a dominant part now.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_03: So let's work with that part because it's taken the reins.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_03: It's like, who's driving your car?
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_03: Is the codependency part driving the car?
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_03: Or is your where's your adult self?
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, they're not even in the car.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, let's get your adult at least in the car.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: That codependent part can sit the backseat, or your controller can sit in the backseat, or your judger, your gossiper, your blamer.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_03: Let's put it in the backseat.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_03: And the more I find I have found over the years in doing this parts work, we just become more integrated and become this whole self.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: And we also become so aware of when we are not in this true self, this healthy adult self.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_03: Like I said, then when these parts rise up, I go, whoops, what do you want to know?
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_03: They're rising up for a reason.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_03: They're rising up typically to protect us, to keep us safe, to redirect, to do something.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: So now I sit and I'll go, oh, I'll take a few moments and sit and check in with it.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_03: Boom, it starts to shift or it steps aside.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_03: So my adult can stay more present instead of these parts doing like a takeover.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: And the word that keeps coming up as you're speaking is acknowledgement too.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's like when you acknowledge that part of you and you kind of embrace it and bring it in, then it's just like, okay, I feel seen and heard.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: And now the energy can kind of dissipate and you can go back to being your adult self.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: So then we talked about communication, and I'd love to go more into the inner child piece too, and kind of your take on working with the inner child and like why that's so important and just your perspective around it.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_03: That was probably one of the most transformational things I ever did along my own journey of healing is doing inner child work.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_03: One of the first things that I started doing, and again, I was working probably with a therapist almost 20 years ago when I started doing a little bit of this.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: And then I really I read a lot of books from Brett John Bretschaw and other authors that um I just I it just became really natural for me.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_03: It made sense.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, there's a younger version of self.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_03: You know, like I said, the child chair is zero to six, and then around the age of six, the ego starts coming in.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_03: This child part doesn't go away, it steps deep inside of us.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_03: It just, it's, it's, it's an unconscious, or excuse me, it's a state that we have, it's an energy state, an energetic state that is within us, very much alive.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: And if we're willing to connect with that part, then it stays alive.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: Otherwise, it gets kind of pushed aside.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_03: So the inner child is the part of us, again, that is responsible for our emotions, our true needs.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_03: What I mean by that is not, you know, I need a new car.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's I need a hug, or I need you to tell me that I'm okay, or I need to hear that I'm loved, I need to know that I matter.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_03: Those are emotional needs that come from this inner child part.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_03: This is the part of us that also is responsible for our passion.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_03: So I used to have a lot of clients that would come in and say, I just don't know who I am.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: I'm 42 years old.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know why I'm here on this planet, I don't know what my passion is.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_03: But when we would do this inner child work and tap in, that passion would light up and they go, Oh my God, I they would start to gain this new awareness around it.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_03: It's an energy that we started to bring in just by doing this inner child work, spontaneity, vulnerability.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_03: And we're talking about relationships, vulnerability and intimacy issues, inner child.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_03: Think about a baby that you're holding.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_03: That's the most intimate thing we can possibly do.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_03: When we have a little baby in our arms and we're squeezing and hugging them, vulnerability.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_03: You have kids.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_03: Your kid ever gets pissed off at a restaurant or in a store and have a temper tantrum in the middle of the place, like they don't care.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_03: That's true.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_03: They don't care who's around.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_03: They will say what they want and do whatever that they want when they're little kids.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_03: That's because they're so vulnerable.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_03: But this is also our source of creativity and fun.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_03: So what happens is again, around the age of six, is this part of a step, it's still there, it's just deep inside of us.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_03: And that ego comes online and it takes charge and it just keeps going, going, going.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_03: The ego does not know and does not care about this inner child part.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_03: Its job is to keep us alive.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_03: So it doesn't know, nor does it care when we have emotions.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_03: Its job, in fact, when we have emotions, is to shove it down.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I don't want that emotion.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_03: So, for example, when you think about anxiety, let's take that for an example.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_03: When you have an emotion that's rising up inside of you, and we all have emotions that rise up, and then when we that ego comes in and pushes it down, I think of it almost like two cars going bumper to bumper, 100 miles an hour.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_03: It creates a lot of tension in the body, right?
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's the child rising up and the ego pushing it down all at the same time.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_03: In fact, in the adult chair model, what I say is anxiety is the physical manifestation of unfelt emotions.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_03: I always say that too.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that?
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't it true?
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_03: It is true.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_03: My clients would come in and they go, Well, I have anxiety.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd say, Well, how do you know?
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_03: How do you know you have anxiety?
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_03: And they'd say, Well, I have a racing heartbeat, my jaws clenching, knots in my stomach, and my legs feel tense.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, physical, physical, physical, physical.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_03: It's a physical manifestation.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_03: I would slow them down, do a little breath work, get them to really slow down.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_03: We do a lot of belly breathing.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_03: Let's bring the energy way down.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_03: And guess what would happen?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'd say, okay, look, what's going on under all of this?
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_03: And they go, Oh, I feel really sad.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_03: Guess what?
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_03: The anxiety's gone.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_03: It would happen so fast.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_03: It was crazy to me how this happened.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_03: So those are the qualities of the inner child.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_03: The way that we start to communicate with the inner child, there are a couple different or a few different ways that we can do that.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_03: And I want everyone to hear, you might be a visual person.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_03: So can you imagine things really clearly?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_03: That means you're going to be able to imagine this little part of you, this younger self inside of you.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_03: You might not be someone that can imagine or that's visual, and that's perfectly okay.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_03: You might be someone that's more auditory.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_03: So, what you're gonna want to do is listen for the words coming from that child.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_03: You might be someone that senses things.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_03: So again, you might just go, I don't know, I feel something opening in my heart.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's your inner child.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_03: So just go with it.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_03: But one of the ways is to do a check-in with your inner child, which is you're just closing your eyes and you're getting curious and you're asking yourself, gosh, you can just even asking the question, what am I feeling right now?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: Is the adult, because the adult's the only one that would ask that question, is activating this energy of this little child, the inner child, and they're connecting in that way.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's beautiful.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_03: So that's activating both energies, the adult and the child at the same time.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_03: You can pop your little child outside of you.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_03: So I just imagine my little part of me that is again, who's overwhelmed?
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_03: I always ask myself the same question: who's overwhelmed?
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_03: Who's being controlled?
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_03: Who's doing this?
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_03: And more often than not, I'll see this little kid that's scared.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_03: You can close your eyes and just imagine who's showing up sitting on the floor next to you.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_03: Start talking with them.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_03: Hi.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_03: And I'll say, like, hey, it's me, it's Michelle.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_03: I've come back in time to visit with you today.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_03: How are you?
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_03: Now that little child might jump into your arms, might, oh my gosh, be angry, like, where have you been?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_03: I've been waiting for you for many years and nobody's paid attention to me.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_03: And your job as your healthy adult is just to listen.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_03: And that creates this beautiful relationship with this child.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, does that answer your question?
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, totally.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I have very similar, you know, thoughts and perspectives around it because I do think, and I'll tell people this all the time like, you know, if they're saying I have anxiety or I feel overwhelmed, or I just feel like this burden where it's like I can't move forward or I feel stuck.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, that's not the present day you that feels that way.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's your inner child.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's the, you know, the five or six-year-old version of you who is feeling overwhelmed or whatever it is because of this thing that happened and all of that.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I totally agree with you.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's really important to understand when for everyone to be able to understand when they're looking at the world through that lens versus not, because we think it's all the same and it's not, you know, you can tell when people are in that state because they kind of, if you know what you're looking for, it's almost like they go into this other state and they're totally not who they normally are.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_01: So it is just so important for people to understand that this is what's happening.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then what is your perspective on looking at, for example, if someone is feeling a certain way in childhood and looking at like why they're feeling that way, like what happened with their parents or what they didn't get?
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do you feel like it's important to spend time there, like acknowledging whatever that wounding was?
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_03: There again, I would do hearts work, which is again the inner child.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_03: I would go back.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, the way that I do my coaching now in the coaching program that I have is that I teach my coaches to do something, you bounce back.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_03: It's not that you spend like a therapist, and I've got the therapist in me and the coach.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_03: So it's like, I don't feel like we need to go back in time and spend two years talking about this in the past.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_03: I do feel like it is important to acknowledge and to go retrieve the energy that's stuck.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_03: Because when we have traumas in the past, that's an energy that's stuck.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_03: So if you had something happen to you when you were five and there was a trauma, and a trauma is simply a deeply distressing event.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's it.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't mean it has to be a car accident or your house burned down.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_03: It could be your mom spanked you or your mom or your dad or whomever looked at you funny and you interpreted it like you were this bad kid.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_03: It could be anything in between.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_03: We don't know what happened, but what I do is I teach or again, I go back and I retrieve that energy or that little kid that's frozen.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_03: I re-educate them on what's true today, and then I bring them back into the moment.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_03: So I do go back, but I don't go back, you know, and spend, like I said, a year or two back there for like 20 sessions, nothing like that.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you said that because I I feel the same way.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like after we know what it is, that's all we need to know.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like we don't need to spend a million years talking about it.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yes, maybe there'll be a time where someone needs to talk about it and that's fine.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_01: But beyond that, and I I've gotten to that place with so many clients where I'm like, okay, we know what it is now.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we don't need to keep going here.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: We don't need to keep talking about why.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now we just are moving forward based on this knowledge that we have.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that is another place where I think talk therapy can fall short sometimes because people will think it's just about continuing to talk about the same thing over and over again, which we're not really getting anywhere.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_03: No, because if you think about that iceberg analogy, as you're talking, I'm thinking about the iceberg.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_03: Like the conscious mind is what, 10% of our reality?
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_03: And just like the tip of the iceberg, and underneath the water is the massive part of the iceberg.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_03: That's the unconscious or subconscious mind.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's our subconscious reality.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_03: And that's where all of our programming is.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_03: That's where all these parts that are frozen, that's where we want to do this work.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_03: And traditional therapy, again, I'm a therapist.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm still licensed to this day.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_03: I still have friends.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of my friends are becoming coaches now that are therapists.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_03: But I for the friends that are still therapists, we do speak about this and they'll say, it's just needs to be updated.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's kind of archaic kind of thing.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_03: We don't need to spend all this time in our past.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't help because when you sit and do quote unquote talk therapy, you're talking the 10%.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_03: You've got to go into the iceberg, the unconscious part of you.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_03: That's where the magic happens.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you do breath work, which I love.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_03: I don't do it near as much as you do.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_03: That's not my thing.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_03: For me, it was meditations for many years.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_03: And I still do that.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_03: I love to teach people and walk them through guided meditations.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_03: That for me, and then you add the breath work to it.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, forget it.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_03: It's a game changer.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my God, because the breath work gets them into their unconscious mind, and the meditations get them into their, it's an alternate reality that we can take them into and then help them to purge, go back in, change old beliefs, you know, update our programs and then move forward.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I want to mention something.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_03: I just remembered something.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_03: I've got a at the adultchair.com forward slash inner child, it's a free inner child resource with two meditations and journaling prompts.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_03: But the meditations, people tell me they're like, oh my God, changed my life.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_03: Because one of them is how to meet your own inner child.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_03: And then the other one is how do you flip, change, and transform your negative or limiting beliefs.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_03: People love these two.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds amazing.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's absolutely free.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that is amazing.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because this is it's so important and it's so important to go beyond just talking and into the subconscious.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: I completely agree with you.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd love to just like continue our relationship conversation because I'd love to go deeper into this.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_01: So you started to talk about if you don't mind sharing more about like just your own experience, because on this show I've shared so much about my own transformation with my husband and the way it's related to the growth in all the other areas of my life, right?
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like the way it's related to the growth of my business and you know how I'm showing up and all of these things.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_01: So, how would somebody know from your perspective?
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because I talk so much about how there's a point in a relationship where a lot of people could think this isn't working.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_01: We need to get a divorce.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: We just are two different people.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_01: He's mad at me all the time.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm mad at whatever it is, because I don't think there's an absolute, right?
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying everybody should work their relationship out.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, there's some people that that's not their reality.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_01: However, I do feel like there's a lot of people that if they decided to stay and work through all the stuff that's coming up, they could come out on the other side, both having grown into completely new people and creating a very elevated relationship.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_01: So, what is your take on that?
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then also, like, how would somebody know that that would be the right thing for them to do versus just leaving?
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_03: I think before you leave, without a doubt, you have to look at your own stuff.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_03: Without a doubt.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_03: There's not a human on the planet that does not bring their own stuff into a relationship.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_03: It's impossible not to.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_03: How could you not?
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, we all have wounding.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care who you are, you have wounding.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_03: I have wounding.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_03: The question is, is what are you doing with it?
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know, are you willing to take a look and are you willing to look at your own stuff first?
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_03: Something that I say all the time is triggers are a gift.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_03: So because people will say to me, How do I find my stuff?
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I'll say, every time you're triggered, and I mean every time.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_02: Every time stop.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_03: I've done many podcasts on this on healing your triggers.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_03: I love trigger work because it's a way to get in touch with some of that childhood wounding.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I love it.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_03: Like if you get triggered a lot, that means you've got a lot of wounding to look at.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_03: So you've got to clear what I call clean your own slate.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_03: So clean your slate, which means do your personal work, then reassess your relationship.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_03: I would not just leave because what's going to happen is the reason that things aren't working out with this person that you're with right now, you're going to carry into the next relationship.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_03: Like attracts like.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_03: People will say, Well, I'm just going to go pick a new one the next time, a new person the next time.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm not going to create the same kind of person.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_03: It's going to happen.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_03: They might look different.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_03: They might, you know, they might have a different family.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_03: They might live on the other side of the world.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_03: They're going to trigger you in similar ways.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_03: I guarantee it.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_03: I've seen this for 20 some years of working with people and groups.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_03: It happens.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, I love this conversation and I totally agree.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_01: And then the other place I'd love to go with this too is because one of the things that happened with me is when my husband and I separated like in 2021 for like six months.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_01: And during that time, even though I think there was a lot of things that we both needed to work on.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_01: And the, but for me, I think I didn't realize all of the ways that I was making it about what he was doing wrong or what he needed to do or what he needed to change.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: Cause it was like, oh, well, I've been doing all this personal growth work for so long.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_01: And like you haven't really in the same way.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_01: So like you need to kind of like, you know, make these changes or whatever.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_01: But then as we got deeper into the work that we were doing, it's like, oh, actually, this is all coming from me.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_01: Cause it's like so easy to project onto the other person.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's so easy.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, what are your thoughts around that?
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just around those projections and how to navigate when it's like, well, it's really this, the person doing something wrong and then realizing it's actually you.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I'll tell you anything.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_03: I'm an open booked as well.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_03: Um, let me think back on this.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_03: So when we moved back, so I lived in Nashville, Tennessee for 13 years with my husband and kids.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_03: And then we moved to North Carolina in 2020.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_03: And um, right when my last kid left for college, the house got really interesting.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_03: And I could tell when the youngest one was like 16 and he started driving, he was gone.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_03: Then my husband and I were always looking at each other, and I'm like, now you know what I mean?
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_03: Like, who are you?
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_03: And let me tell you what, your stuff rises up because there's no distractions in the house anymore.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_03: So for me, you've you heard me use the word codependency a few times.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_03: That was me.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_03: Like if you look up Wikipedia, I'm probably the picture.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_03: This is the Wikipedia when it comes to codependency.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I've done a lot of work on that.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_03: So what I used to say was so for me, my transformation around that was I would say, well, Graham, if you could just stop doing this, don't do that.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_03: I don't like that you're drinking so much.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_03: For me, I'm not really a drinker at all.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_03: But yet when he would drink, I'd get uncomfortable.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_03: So can you do this?
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_03: So I was very controlling.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_03: I realized for me, that was my thing.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_03: If you could do this and da-da-da-da-da.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_03: And then I realized, wait a minute, I'm projecting on him.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_03: Some of them were my needs, but a lot of it more was control.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_03: And when I really truly had, I had this awakening experience.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I thought, holy crap, this is literally like a rebirth for me.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_03: Realizing that this is who I am.
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going to stop.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_03: And I realized how controlling I was in my whole environment.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_03: There was manipulation that happened.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_03: And I realized I would say something to my kids.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_03: I was unconscious about it.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm a very nice person.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_03: It wasn't like mean, manipulative kind of things.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_03: But if I would say this to my son, then I would get him to like wear his coat because I knew it would be cold out.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I would want to make sure that he would wear his coat because otherwise it would stress me out.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_03: So there's a lot of control that comes with codependency.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_03: And when I realized how controlling I was around it, I say now that I retired from it.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_03: And it was so hard on me.
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_03: And the other thing that was hard was that I had to be willing to not control my husband.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_03: And there were some things that he was doing I did not like.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_03: His behavior, some of the things I was like, I don't like this.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_03: And he would say, Well, I'll go to therapy for you.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, the old me would have been really happy with that, the coda me, but not me anymore.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_03: So I had to really step into myself and say, I don't want you to ever say that to me.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_03: If you don't want to go for you, that's okay.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going to go for me.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want you to go for you.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_03: And he said, Well, I'll go to couples work for you.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know, no.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_03: Anyway, I had to untangle a lot of that kind of thing.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_03: It was liberating, it was scary.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_03: I really learned really, really healthy boundaries because I was, I did a lot of inner child work, like I was saying over the years, and I kept doing more of it.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_03: I pause and do more of it.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_03: But what I realized was I've got to get really clear on my needs.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_03: And if he doesn't want to step up, and he did, by the way, um, but if he doesn't want to step up, I have to be okay with it and I'm not going to control the outcome.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_03: That was a lot of work I had to do around control.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_03: It's just been an incredible journey.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_03: Cause when I said, and if you don't want to do this, that's okay.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_03: But then I think we're probably done here.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I was scared.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if I can swear.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you totally can't.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_03: I was scared shitless.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_03: But at the same time, I was also incredibly empowered.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_03: It felt like the most empowering time for me, but also I was scared.
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and something that I talk a lot about is soul alignment.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I realized, you know, as you know, when you do your work, when we start removing these masks of who we think we are, you know, I took off control, I took off codependency, all these different layers of who I am not.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_03: I started to get more and more and more glimpses of my true self.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_03: And I was able to then start aligning with what I call, you know, my soul or soul alignment.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_03: And then I navigated from there.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_03: And that's like coming from your heart, that's coming from the full-bodied experience versus the ego or the mind.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when I really found myself living more and more in this adult chair perspective where I was okay if people around me were not okay.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_03: That was a hard one for me.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_03: And um, so yeah, so that that was my experience.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_03: It was a long, interesting, hard, and and a beautiful road.
• 47:54
  SPEAKER_03: And it was many more years than starting in 2020, honestly, but it kind of came to a head in 2020.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_03: It started years before then.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, and now I have to say I'm stronger than I've ever been.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_03: I live in the moment more than I've ever, you know, we always would hear, yeah, live in the moment.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_03: I learned what that was like because I knew if I went into the future, I would get so scared.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_03: That was all my adolescent, like the adolescent, the egoic part of us is the one that projected the future and worst case scenario.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, I'm not going there.
• 48:23
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna keep coming back to the moment, back to the moment.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I love that.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for sharing that.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's making me think of a lot of different things around relationships and looking at like why, for example, with you, you know, if you have a thought of I need my husband to do this, because I feel like in the beginning of my business, especially a lot of my, you know, if I was talking to a mentor about like what I need or what I'm upset about or something, it was always, well, I just want my husband to do this, or I just want my husband to be happy.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like I, that was a thing for me for so long.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm like, why is it about him?
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: Why do I feel like I have to control that?
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it was all codependency because it's like, well, I can only be safe or I can only feel okay if he is okay.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_01: And that's like such terrible codependency, right?
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_01: And like through that time, we really learned to shift that.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I also was thinking about this too in reference to being a parent.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_01: Cause recently I've had a few clients that I've walked through like certain parenting situations and reflecting on maybe how I was parented or how I could even be tempted to parent now, where it's like bringing your stuff or your unmet needs into the situation instead of making it just about, you know, I always say when it comes to being a parent, our job is to be the supporting actor, not the director, right?
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_01: So, but I feel like if we have these unmet needs or things that we have not looked at, then we'll unconsciously bring them into the parenting relationship and try to control or try to tell them what they have to do or kind of enforce our needs onto them.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_01: And then that creates codependency.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_01: So it's just really interesting and how we have the opportunity to change that through parenting differently and shift all of that.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I remember my mom used to always like guilt me into the dumbest things.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like now that I think back on it, like, oh, you should really invite this person over.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_01: You should really, and I'm like, why?
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to do that.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like so careful now not to do that with my daughter.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if someone invites her over and she doesn't want to go, I'm like, okay, don't go.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's so beautiful though.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_03: What a great learning you had.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_03: So you're not mimicking your the way that your mom treated you in that from that perspective.
• 50:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_01: So it's all, but it's like to your point, it's like we get to see all of that stuff through relationship, but it's just you have to know what you're looking at and you have to know what to look for.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_01: Cause it's like, well, why do I have this need to control this situation?
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, where is this coming from?
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_03: Again, that was the first thing that we talked about, which is you have to be able to raise your awareness around yourself.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_03: And it's not ever to blame or to judge yourself, it's just raising your awareness.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_03: Like, wow, how am I showing up?
• 51:25
  SPEAKER_03: People ask me all the time, oh my God, you know, how do I get my kids to make sure that they're in their adult chair?
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_03: Because my parents didn't do that for me.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_03: And da da da da.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, you show up in your healthy adult chair.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_03: And when you show up as a healthy adult, you're modeling for your child how they can then aspire to be like you, but you've got to do it first.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_03: It's not about sitting them down and saying, do this and that.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_03: And again, it's not about yes, teach them manners and all those things.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_03: But one of the greatest things that I actually do one of these for, I pat myself on the back a little bit.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_03: I learned how to apologize well when my kids were growing up.
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_03: Again, doing this model, I really do practice what I preach.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_03: I don't just preach it.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_03: I really do my best to live it, you know, every day.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not perfect.
• 52:08
  SPEAKER_03: By any means, I am not perfect.
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_03: However, I do practice all the time.
• 52:13
  SPEAKER_03: And when it's hard, I still practice and I step into it.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_03: But when I make mistakes with my kids or I say something, even when they were younger, you know, I would say to them, hey, come sit down with me.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_03: And this is healthy relationships.
• 52:27
  SPEAKER_03: You know, sit down.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_03: If you've made a mistake, we're not perfect, nobody's perfect.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_03: We all are going to make a mistake.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_03: Sit down though.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_03: If you've hurt someone or if you've made a mistake, you sit down with them.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_03: You say, Hey, I'm really, really sorry.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm very sorry I hurt you.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_03: I will not let that happen again.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever it might be, whatever you need to apologize for, you just apologize.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_03: And then my kids would say, It's okay, mom.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, don't tell me it's okay.
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_03: Just please say thank you.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_03: That's how you do an apology.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_03: Man, I drilled that into them.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_03: So now I look at them as and they're in their 20s.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_03: It's so beautiful because now I look at them and they'll come to me and go, mom, I'm very sorry.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_03: And I've watched them with each other.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, oh, there's one thing I did right, Elise.
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you brought that up.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_01: That was actually going to be something I was going to ask you because that's a question I get a lot too, especially when people first start with this work, is if they're a mom, if you know, a parent, they'll be like, oh my God, how do I not pass this on to my kids?
• 53:23
  SPEAKER_01: Or oh my God, I've already messed up my kids.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_01: What do I do?
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, all you have to do is like do this work.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_01: It will be okay.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_01: But I love what you shared about the apology piece because I think just reflecting for myself on my own upbringing is I feel like there would be so many times where there would be, especially my mom would like freak out.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then there was like no acknowledgement of it, which I feel like was made it even worse.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_01: Cause it's like, okay, you just had this episode, right?
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it completely shook me and it was total chaos.
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_01: And now we're just gonna pretend it didn't happen.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's almost like this weird gaslighting energy almost.
• 54:07
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I'm like, okay, now I'm just supposed to pretend that this is normal, or now you're a normal person when like five seconds ago you were a crazy person.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do I transition from this?
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_03: I had this very similar experience in my family.
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_03: There would be a big blow up.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_03: My uncle would come over.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_03: We had dinner every Sunday, and on all the holidays, and he'd come over drunk or do something.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_03: And it would send this silence, I mean trauma through the house.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone would just be, oh God, he just said that.
• 54:35
  SPEAKER_03: And then life would go on.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_03: Can you pass the potatoes?
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, what?
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_03: Hello?
• 54:41
  SPEAKER_03: Hello.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm sitting at the table, like, is no one gonna do anything here?
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I've got like numerous uncles, aunts, cousins, everyone's at the table.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, what the hell is going on here?
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_03: And then the next day, I remember saying to my dad, especially when I got older, I started speaking up.
• 54:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, What is going on here?
• 54:58
  SPEAKER_03: You can't let this happen at dinner.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_03: You need to stop this.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_03: And he'd say to me, talk about gas lighting.
• 55:04
  SPEAKER_03: And I used to think gaslighting was something only that narcissists did, right?
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_03: My dad was so loving, so kind, the biggest heart, you would love him if you ever had met him before he passed.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_03: But he would look at me and he was caught in the middle as I look back.
• 55:19
  SPEAKER_03: He was very much caught in the middle.
• 55:20
  SPEAKER_03: He did not know what to do.
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_03: He's an identical twin, like one person with really the uncle that was just horrific.
• 55:26
  SPEAKER_03: And he couldn't separate himself from him.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_03: But he would look at me and say, No, honey, you know that Uncle Don, when he gets angry, it's the devil coming out on him because of the alcohol.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_03: He's really a good guy underneath.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like looking at him like, Are you crazy?
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_03: That is gaslighting.
• 55:43
  SPEAKER_03: And it was it's it was unintentional.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_03: My father was not trying to pull one over on me, but he was lost.
• 55:49
  SPEAKER_03: He didn't know what to do.
• 55:50
  SPEAKER_03: Again, as I look back on it, but I was like, What are you talking about?
• 55:53
  SPEAKER_03: How confusing for a kid.
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 55:56
  SPEAKER_03: So confusing.
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I'm in a Looney Tune bin here.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_03: Like, this is crazy.
• 56:00
  SPEAKER_03: No, yeah, no, it's not the alcohol.
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_03: You can stop this crap, stop him from coming over.
• 56:05
  SPEAKER_03: He'd say, That's my twinnies part of me.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, I'm your daughter, I'm part of you too.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_03: Can you make this stop?
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and he'd say, Oh, it's like he didn't, he couldn't comprehend it.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_03: It was very hard on him.
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_03: It was very, very hard on him.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, truly.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's interesting because I feel like, and I know this is a whole other conversation, which we don't have time for right now, but it just makes me think of I've been in so many situations and have walked clients through so many situations where it's about like actually the parent that did nothing, right?
• 56:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like the parent that just sat there and allowed it to go on and the pain that comes from that too, where it's like, where were you?
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_01: Why didn't you do something?
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and that's so, and then understanding how that perpetuates the trauma because that person didn't do anything, and there's like then that resentment towards that person.
• 56:57
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, because a lot of times you can think back and be like, oh, well, it wasn't my mom that did anything, it was my dad.
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, well, if your mom just like sat there and allowed it to happen, then we have to acknowledge that, you know.
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_03: And I always have said that we see our parents as Superman and Wonder Woman, regardless of how they showed up.
• 57:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I've worked with clients where they would say to me, Well, you know, my dad just pulled a knife on my mom like once or twice, but he's a really great, great guy.
• 57:27
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it was there's always this, oh yeah.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_03: And okay, and and he might have been.
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_03: I don't sit and judge anybody, honestly.
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_03: I really, really don't.
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 57:35
  SPEAKER_03: But it's so hard to acknowledge.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_03: And it's I don't ask anyone to judge, but there is an acknowledgement that needs to happen.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_03: That was not healthy.
• 57:45
  SPEAKER_03: You might be in trauma or in some sort of freeze or frozen response because of that.
• 57:50
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we have to acknowledge and become aware that this was not healthy behavior.
• 57:55
  SPEAKER_03: It just is not healthy, you know.
• 57:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_01: Totally.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_01: I completely agree.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that is one of the most challenging things for people is to be able to hold multiple perspectives at the same time and say, like, yes, these people, I love them more than anything.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_01: And they did all these things for me and they hurt me really badly.
• 58:14
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, and that's part of I think just having spiritual and emotional maturity is being able to hold those perspectives at the same time.
• 58:23
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, I know we're running out of time.
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_01: So can you share with us?
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know you mentioned you have a relationship resource for us as well.
• 58:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd love for you to share about that too.
• 58:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, thank you.
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_03: So we have, I did it this relationship reset course.
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_03: It's for individuals, although a few couples did join, but it's for people that want to really um change their relationship and they feel stuck, they feel overwhelmed, they don't know what to do, they don't know if they should leave, should they stay, but they might want to stay and they just want things to change.
• 58:56
  SPEAKER_03: So I did this course last fall and we're doing it again, actually.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_03: So, for more information on that, and something that I'm offering right now is a free five myths to healthy relationships.
• 59:09
  SPEAKER_03: There are a lot of people think like, oh, my relationship's healthy.
• 59:12
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe not.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_03: So you can find that at theadultchair.com forward slash myths.
• 59:20
  SPEAKER_03: That's M-Y-T-H-S myths.
• 59:24
  SPEAKER_03: But just for more information on what I do, it's everything you can find at theadultchair.com.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_03: And the inner child resource I mentioned was theadultchair.com forward slash inner child.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's amazing.
• 59:35
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I love that because I love this relationship work.
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think is it really can't be overlooked, especially if you're wanting to have any kind of growth or expansion in your life.
• 59:49
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever's happening in your relationships will show you exactly what you need to do.
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's all right there.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's just about knowing how to see it.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I love this, and I know everyone else is gonna love it.
• 1:00:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I feel like there's so much more we could talk about, but I know we're we're coming up on time.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you so much for being here.
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I know people can find you on your podcast, the adult chair, and your website, and then are you on Instagram too, right?
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_03: I'm on Instagram and Facebook and YouTube, all the things.
• 1:00:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:00:22
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:00:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm all over the place.
• 1:00:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh well, thank you so much, Michelle.
• 1:00:28
  SPEAKER_01: This was amazing.
• 1:00:30
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I know everyone's gonna love it.
• 1:00:32
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for being here.
• 1:00:33
  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate you having me on.
• 1:00:35
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for being here.
• 1:00:39
  SPEAKER_01: Don't forget to subscribe to the show, leave a review, and share the show with your friends who you know are yearning for this type of content.
• 1:00:46
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• 1:00:53
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• 1:01:05
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• 1:01:09
  SPEAKER_01: See you next time.