Latest / Pete Vs Anxiety!!!!! / The Body Keeps Score: Holly’s Journey from Trauma to Healing (and Defying the Odds)
Transcript
- Pete: Welcome to the next exciting episode of Pete Friskin Society. I have a very special guest today. Holly here has a story that let me tell you guys you have to hear. So Holly, why don't you just lay this thing on him girl? Cause I got to tell you from reading the notes of this thing, holy crap is what I told her the first minute I met her. Holly take it away. Ever wish you had someone to talk to anytime, anywhere, matter what you're going through? Meet PsychPAL, your 24-7 AI companion, designed to help you process your thoughts, calm your mind, and keep you moving forward. Chat anytime during a panic attack on a restless night or just when you need to vent. Prefer talking instead of typing? Try voice journaling. PsychPAL listens, transcribes, and truly understands. You can even upload screenshots of tough conversations, and it'll help you unpack how they made you feel. PsychPAL keeps life organized, too. The Healing Haul: It's nice to be here. Thank you for having me. Yeah, I have a hard story and my whole life has been stress, has been trying to navigate how to survive. Even when I was younger, when I didn't realize that's what I was doing. And so as a small child, was Pete: Of course. peter: Show ⁓ Pete: It can add appointments to your calendar, track your mood, and even summarize your sessions for your therapist so you'll never lose progress. Plus, built-in crisis resources are always just one click away. It's a privacy-first, constantly evolving, made to complement your professional care, not replace it. Ready to try it out? Head over to the link in this episode and use my code, Pete, at checkout to get 20 % off your first month subscription to PsychPAL. PsychPAL, because your mind deserves a companion too. The Healing Haul: molested by my father. I didn't know what that was. So it was just normal for me. I was at some point threatened if I said something that my mother, she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was three, that I would be the cause of her death. So I didn't say anything, but I really didn't know Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: that I needed to, so I didn't understand that it wasn't right or that it was wrong. I grew up in this very hostile My mom, as I aged, I ⁓ well, she was manipulating my father, right? So she was part of it. ⁓ She was completely a victim in this, even though I her as one. ⁓ Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: So she very much instigated a lot of the arguments and my father had a rage in him that was so easy to trigger. So oftentimes would jump in at four years old, running to try to save my mom from my father, not that she instigated it, that she, not that she asked for abuse, know, but she did. ⁓ Pete: Yeah, nobody does. The Healing Haul: She pushed those little buttons to create the storm. And it just showed, when I started healing, showed, of my healing was having compassion and understanding what these people did, what my parents did, what them this way. And it's speculation, but I think I'm pretty close as to why they ended up the way they did. ultimately at age 12, I finally met a boyfriend. He was very aggressive. We both played softball and he was in the same league that I was in. And he would oftentimes get kicked out of games because he was too aggressive. And so I found out through him, Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: that here's this other person that was being abused by his father. He was being beaten every night. His dad was an alcoholic. And so, then before that, I didn't have a name for what was happening to me. ⁓ there's this book. It was this Jehovah's Witness book on, you know, maturing and sex. So basically it like this little pamphlet and we were passing around in seventh grade and it was my turn to have it. and then I had a name, a molestation. I had a name for what was happening to me, because at that point it definitely didn't feel right, I still didn't know what it was, even through sex ed. And my parents, if anybody touches you inappropriately, well, they're the ones telling me it. So it's very, you know, like, it didn't click with my brain that, you're the one touching me inappropriately. ⁓ So. Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: ⁓ yeah. he's the first person I ever told because I finally felt safe enough that, ⁓ this happening to me. And very quickly I made a plan to leave. So ⁓ I up running away and to his house, to my boyfriend's house. And ⁓ then that's when It was really exposed. I also had run away ⁓ a ⁓ event after a softball game. My mom wouldn't let me spend the night at my friend's house and I finally snapped. ⁓ I was known as the smiley nice girl, right? So I was known as the shy, you know, very athletic, smiley nice girl. I didn't ever, ⁓ had aggression on the field. That was about it. Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: Soccer and softball were my sports and I was aggressive there, but I wasn't really outside of that. It was sort of an outlet for me. And so I did, I started calling her all these names and I was so angry and I didn't even understand where it came from. But you know, that outburst happened and I just didn't to be used anymore. And I made this plan, my mom, instead of removing me from the house when I tell her this, one, she questions it because of course I got in trouble for yelling at her and misplaced, really. As parent, I have three children, I'm gonna be like, my daughter usually do that. Where is that from? ⁓ Not, you know, was misplaced for my character. Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: So, she didn't question that. She questioned whether or not I was telling the truth. And it was, well, we'll take you to your grandmother's house and then, well, we'll just, you can just stay in the house. Your father gets on Wednesday. We just need to wait till we get the money. And it felt ⁓ like a transaction. So you're going to risk my safety for three more days. And it was so telling later on that she already knew. She already knew, she was already sacrificing me. And it just took me a long time to figure that out. Because I always protected her. I was protecting her, she wasn't protecting me. And so there is so much, so much therapy. Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: I had to go through and navigate that I didn't even know I needed. I thought I was fine. I thought I was fine. And if you back up, my father at seven, eight drowned me in a pool. He killed me. I died. So I saw myself, I didn't even realize what happened there until there's a... Pete: ⁓ shit. holy shit The Healing Haul: a Christian documentary that came out, was like, I can't, I can never remember the name of it. But it talked about people and where they went. And so anyways, was viewing myself ⁓ being pulled of the pool. Like ⁓ I was myself looking ⁓ And then finally started throwing up water, you know. Pete: he says. The Healing Haul: super fatigued. I came back to life. It was very traumatic. I run to tell my mom that's washing dishes, looking at the pool from the window, because the kitchen window faced the pool. And she yelled at my father, but was I ever protected? No. the ironic thing is they had put barred windows, barred, know, the Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: in the 80s how you put those bars over your windows to protect. So they were trying to protect me from drowning in the pool. And it always just felt like a prison. know, it more felt like I was. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah, oh yeah, I believe it. Oh, I believe it. The bars on the window had to feel like a prison take. What you just said was just the craziest sequence of events I've ever heard in my life. So let me ask you really fast though. Later on, were your intimate relationships really weird at first after being molested by your dad? It had to be a little weird at first because you're like, well, this is not right. This is not what happened to me. The Healing Haul: EAT Yeah. Yeah. So I was always... gonna say no because they started young. I was young. So ⁓ first little boyfriend was kindergarten, right? And so that was my first, ⁓ my first kiss. My French kiss was third grade. So you can see how like this, never, I never able to separate that they were different. ⁓ Pete: Okay. ⁓ okay. Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: The only time I started to realize that was when I was 12. So I had a boyfriend and I picking up because I'm very good at ⁓ cues because ⁓ needing to survive. So I definitely started picking up on my father's interaction with him when he would come by the house. And felt alarming. Like felt like Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: my boyfriend wasn't safe, that I wasn't ⁓ you know, how, you're then more sexually charged and active. ⁓ definitely noticed a shift there that made question what ⁓ is father doing to me? So ⁓ definitely 12, I was questioning it. Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. All right, believe it. The Healing Haul: And then fortunately that book fell into my lap or that pamphlet and then I ran away. Like at the minute I knew for a fact and there was a name, I ran. Pete: Yeah, because you understand exactly what it was. So because it explained exactly everything started matching up and you're like, ⁓ wait, this is what that name for that is what's going on. So did it make relationships hard though for you though? I mean, you know, just in general, it had to be really tough for you after what you've experienced. And then you start realizing what had really happened and you didn't realize a lot of the after effects of everything until you use yourself said that you started doing therapy and things. You started realizing that you had a lot more issues you didn't realize. Now, did you did you start noticing some things before that? Like, you know, The Healing Haul: So. Pete: Like different things just seemed really odd to you and it seem a lot of place or anything like that. The Healing Haul: So it was only my father's behavior. as aged, and maybe I aged out, I don't know if he, obviously he was a pedophile, but was there a cutoff for him? I don't know. But he had stopped me in the hallway and said, we have to stop doing this. And so that made me questioning. Pete: Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: ⁓ okay, this... What, why do we... First off, we... Pete: Yeah, exactly what I'm thinking. Why is it a wee thing? There's no wee, was you doing it to me, dad, but okay, yeah. The Healing Haul: Yeah, yeah, like the we, ⁓ don't, that felt right. Like it was, ⁓ it feel like there was a participation, even though there somewhat was because at a very young age, ⁓ I how to orgasm. So there was a draw to orgasm, but you know, it just, ⁓ it's not make sense to people that Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: haven't experienced it because it doesn't make sense. It just, doesn't. No. Pete: Yeah, because it didn't even make sense to you because you didn't know what was going on. You're like, OK, there's a sensation going on. I'm not sure what this is. You know, and you're too young to know that kind of stuff. You know what mean? Like most of us don't even do sex ed till we're like 13, 14, somewhere around there. They start teaching you like different functions, your own bodies and, you know, young women come come women and and men start young boys start coming to young men, you know, things like that. And changes happen for both sides of the picture, you know, and it's just. I'm so sorry though. Thank you for sharing that though. mean that's a rough story you can listen to. Like that's like, wow, I had no idea where we were going, but damn, let me tell you what girl, holy crap. am so sorry that ⁓ had to go through it, but it seems like you were resilient and bounced back a lot easier than a lot of people do because I know some people have met that have had stories somewhere where they were molested. Like it was, it was different for them, but I think a lot of them are a little bit older though. So they had a little better understanding of what was going on somewhat to a point. The Healing Haul: Yeah. Pete: but they didn't see like, they didn't understand the ripple effects of things. So know that you have a trauma is lot of times, you know, you don't realize that these sudden urges of rage and things like that are all related because you go back to that moment because the body keeps score. It remembers that feeling. You may not go back to the exact event, but you remember that feeling you had when things were going on and it got weird. So that's why my first question was that case. I was curious because you know, at such a young age, you're not sure what's going on. Like he's trying to be intimate with you and you're just like, The Healing Haul: Yes. Pete: I don't know what these weird feelings are, but then when you were intimate later on, you know, I'm sure it had some kind of effect at first. You're like, whoa, this doesn't feel right. I don't like this. Or it gives you that flashback moment to like, you remember the moment, but you don't remember the exact reason why you're feeling that way, you know? The Healing Haul: Yeah, the very, my very, so with EMDR, I have memories even further, but my very first memory was shortly after my mom got diagnosed with MS when I was three and my father was asked to help out more. my mom, when she, like when she actually went to get diagnosed, like she got Bell's palsy, like her body shut down. So she was unable to care for me the way she had been. Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: before and so he was asked to give me a shower. And so that's my very first memory and I was angry. I was so angry and because it was really the first time I was confronted because he was so tall and I was like right there and so I remember I just, you know, smacked genitals because they were right there ⁓ it just seemed fun to do. ⁓ Pete: ⁓ okay. Yeah, you didn't know. You're like, hey, you don't know what's going on. You just see that and you're like, OK, yeah. The Healing Haul: It just seemed fun to do, yeah. And so anyways, my dad was a tit for tat person. So then he took, he had an injury. ⁓ So he had taken the hand, they were like his fingers, he worked for Alaska pipelines. And so the pipes had damaged his hands. And so I'll never forget, cause they were just sort of stuck like that. And he took them and put them inside me ⁓ and did it back. Pete: Yeah. ⁓ okay. The Healing Haul: alarmed my system for sure. I was angry. ⁓ again, I didn't understand what was. but I ran and told my mom, but then now having children, a three-year-old trying to describe what happened, I could see maybe where it was mistranslated ⁓ because ⁓ my barrier as a three-year-old, but, Pete: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The Healing Haul: nothing was done. There was no protectiveness over, no that couldn't have happened, that didn't happen. So, and we're... Pete: You know, that's a similar story you get a lot of times. So Holly, not to cut you off is that a lot of times people in your same situation when they're telling people things like, ⁓ no, you're just making things up. That's why there was a child therapist I met that was here in the Dallas, here in Texas with me, actually here. And I discussed this a slight bit. She was like, this is why you teach kids at that age, like they're different body parts. Like they'll, so they know. So in case of that situation, like what happened to you, you can describe it. So if the police were to come to you and say, Holly, you know, And imagine you're three years old, you know, they're asking, Hey Holly, so did, when somebody touch you in somewhere, you can identify what that is. ⁓ well listen, they touched me here or you know what, like you'd point to where wherever they touch you in appropriately. So you can identify it because you can only ask kids three times about it. And after that you can't ask them anymore. So that's why she recommended that you teach younger kids, just their different parts of their body, just say, cause it's their body anyways. They're going to learn what it is teaching them at a young age, just in case something like that were to happen is that they cannot. in case that conversation were to come up unfortunately, at least they could say something like, hey mom, someone touched me here and you know describe whatever genitalia they were touching and what a very part of the body they were touching kind of thing. That way because when they ask you that they can identify it because then that's that's all they need to hear is the kid say it and it's over. They don't they aren't thinking twice. They're coming to take care of that. The other person's getting picked up, you know. The Healing Haul: Yeah, and I mean, we have to remember to the time. So the 80s, CPS wasn't really a big thing. ⁓ It was just like in its infancy. There was no social media. There no way for me to Google or look it up. We had encyclopedias. So, ⁓ you I mean, ⁓ it not. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Good point. Very good point, Holly. Yeah, I remember those, The Healing Haul: what it is today where you have hashtag me too and you have the Epstein files now. There was not this awareness around abuse, ⁓ sexual abuse. ⁓ then ⁓ if there was, if you heard about it, it was not talked about. You're told to be quiet. We don't talk about family issues. So ⁓ you take Pete: Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: The time, it's hard for people in today's world that only know today's world to understand my world. But it was much different. It was much more smaller. It was sheltered. There was not this availability to look you know, like me put in the... Pete: Yeah, no, I get you completely. The Healing Haul: Put in, I feel like this, I didn't even realize I was depressed either, because that wasn't talked about. There was no awareness really around depression. But there were, now looking back, were many times I just felt so alone and so unseen, ⁓ and just but I didn't understand my feelings. ⁓ Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So let me ask you this. This is gonna get real serious really quick though. Did you ever have suicidal thoughts though during that time? Did you ever have those feelings like you were like you just didn't wanna be here anymore kind of things like that too? And obviously you didn't know what those were at the time because those things weren't talked about a lot. The Healing Haul: So yes, felt So at younger age, I wouldn't say suicidal. I didn't know to take my own life, but I ⁓ was definitely majorly depressed. definitely had an ⁓ that there's something wrong but I internalized it like there's something wrong with me. ⁓ Pete: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The Healing Haul: So it more presented like that. it wasn't ⁓ and I don't think a lot of people talk about this, ⁓ it's not like it's over when it's over. So ⁓ not at all. And the part that they don't talk about is you are a black sheep, you're blacklisted. And my first therapist was a groomer himself. So the first therapist I go, Pete: ⁓ it's not. The Healing Haul: Well, the very first one said she didn't deal with my issues. So the session was cut that moment because it was too much for her. And I thought, well, gosh, I'm really messed up then. The therapist can't even handle it. So then the second one, he actually was in the news and was, you know, doing his own thing with victims, handed me little pills in a baggie. Thank God I didn't take them. Showed me how to please myself, had me watch porn. Pete: ⁓ shit. Wow. The Healing Haul: Like it was, me in the out the back to go get ice cream without my mom's knowledge. So he was his own set of ⁓ up. So I was my first therapist. ⁓ that was my first therapist. So that specialized, of course he did. He specialized with child victims. And I know why he was a pedophile himself. Pete: Jesus. Holly, this story just keeps getting more interesting as we continue to go. Damn. The Healing Haul: So I didn't feel safe until I was older to go get help really. And the therapy I got obviously was not good a child. And my mom really didn't have an urgency to keep me in therapy either. But ⁓ part that I think is really talked about ⁓ is you say that, and this Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: everybody around me. One, it made me feel like everybody was looking at me differently, but you don't get to go back to your life the way it was. So I didn't go get to go back. The power I had was in sports, but then my mom told all these people that I was molested by my father. So now that power was taken away. I felt this big. I felt like ashamed. I felt like all these people were judging me and some of them did. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. The Healing Haul: Some of them, there's one parent that got to know my father a little bit. He was never really around with my sports, but he was around enough to get to know this guy. And he came and confronted me as a child telling me that I was a liar. ⁓ Yeah, so is the part that I don't think's talked about that much. ⁓ victimized and then we're victimized again because people wanna have judgment. Pete: ⁓ wow. The Healing Haul: It happened. It didn't happen. When it's my life, I lived it. And then to be hurt in that way and have to be silenced all over from the people that are supposed to help me? It's tragic. It's tragic. Yeah, because... Pete: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I know. I'm so sorry. It is. I'm so sorry, Holly. I really am. so sorry you went through all that. That's fucking terrible. my God. The Healing Haul: There's abuse with that. And so did I know how to navigate relationships? No. I picked the wrong people every time in the beginning because I had to teach myself what was normal. had to teach myself boundaries. ⁓ to teach myself, ⁓ my parents' relationship wasn't healthy. ⁓ grandmother, that is really my savior, she's the one. And this is more evidence that they knew. ⁓ She would take me every weekend and then take me to church. So I was out of the house on the weekends. So I was with her and that was my saving grace. I was out of it enough to, and then I was given foundation. was given stability. I was given God, right? So I there was something greater and there was something greater to live for. Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: And that my, and the reason I share my story now is one I didn't want to die with it, but can help people. It can help people know that it's okay, that the is bumpy, it's ugly, ⁓ it And even people are gonna judge me, right? They're gonna, they just are. ⁓ I know because, yeah. Pete: Hey, listen, listen, listen, fuck them. They want to judge you? Fuck them. They didn't go through it. I said I am right behind you, Holly. I am so sorry. You know, anybody at home that's going to judge her, fuck you right now. I'm going to tell you right now. I'm going tell you straight now. Don't don't judge this poor woman. She didn't choose what happened to her. You hear the emotion in her voice. She's upset or telling you this fucking story. And if you have the right to judge her, you have no right to say anything at all because she didn't ask for any of these things. She was three years old and this shit happened. And Holly, you know what, you're doing something very powerful today by sharing your story with me, especially because, know, like I'm going to make sure a lot of people hear this story and they understand that, you know, the way you feel, it's like stop victimizing people like yourself that have gone through these things. And it's, any situation where they think of a lot of people are like that, you know, and suicidals and things, especially yours. Yours is just like a crazy ass situation for somebody sit there and blame you for something you didn't choose to happen. That's like, yeah, I chose, I wanted to be molested when I three years old. That's really my. my game plan was from day one. It's like, you know what? I don't get the psyche of people why they think seem to think that that's okay to blame someone who didn't choose these things. You know, all the horrible events that followed all that situation and everything else you've gone through to this point in this story, it's just, this is just insane. Like it's like, you know, yeah, she chose to have all these traumas and all these interesting things happen that, you know, she just decided, ⁓ you know what? I figured my life would be fucked up. Let's go and do something wild. You know, it's like you didn't ask her these kinds of things. And then you're really out here telling people. Stop judging these fucking people. Like quit. Like, you know, fuck y'all. That's why I say that's only my message. Everybody out there is like anybody that wants to judge Holly right now. Fuck you is honestly what I'm going to say. I don't care if that offends you and offends somebody, but it's the honest truth. It's ridiculous. Don't don't make this woman feel ashamed for sharing her fucking story and telling you these things because this is horrific. This poor woman is dealing with these things every day of her life and has to continue to deal with this kind of shit. Sorry, Holly. I just had to get that out there. That's just The Healing Haul: Yeah, okay. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that a lot actually. when judge people ⁓ that trying to navigate that don't have a foundation and you say, we have a choice, we do somewhat. And that's why chose to get help at a certain point. But I would be re-victimized, which is very common if you... ⁓ Pete: No, definitely. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: you know, if you look at the statistics, very common for somebody in my situation to be re-victimized. Why? We don't know safety. So we go out with the wrong guy, we get hurt again, or we put ourselves in a situation, we get re-victimized. And that would happen many times for me. So I would be assaulted and be assaulted. And the part that I don't think Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: people truly get with people like me is if you made it through it, we're able to separate ourselves from our bodies so well that just another day. It's just another day. Even though it might've been painful, it might've been terrifying, there's reason why we don't go and get or tell somebody about it right away because it... Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: was like just another day, just a different man, right? A different body. And so I also view porn differently. A lot of those people are me. They're me, they're people. You are not innocently looking at something for enjoyment. You are looking at people oftentimes that are me, that are broken, having sex for your pleasure and you're contributing by watching it. to that, you're contributing to the cycle that just continues. Sure, some might do it for money, but the majority are me. And I was so close, I had a boyfriend that wanted me, I was 19 and he was 33, 34, I mean, he's much older than me. And he suggested, oh, you should get into this. And I really thought about it. I really thought about it. Cause I was like, I thought, well, yeah, I guess I'm made for sex. thank God I had enough of my grandma and what she taught me to say no. And I didn't do it. But it made me view ⁓ all that so differently because I don't see something that's sexually enticing. I see people. They're people. Pete: Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: And so I view it differently and that is really hard for me actually. That it's so casually just, you know. Because I just, yeah. Yeah, yep. Pete: Yeah, it's so readily available, man. There's somebody doing websites and get the shit out and then the weird shit these people get into. God, we're not going to cover the topics. It's just fucking weird. so Holly, let me ask you this. So when you're married, right? You said you were married, you have a husband, right? So when you met him, did he know what happened or have you did you have the conversation with him right away about everything that's happened up to this point? Because he had to be a very understanding man for this kind of stuff. Take on a lot of this stuff that he's dealing with. He had to be a trooper. The Healing Haul: It's weird. Yes. Yep. So he's my actual, my third marriage out of this three. So the first one was annulled, it lasted six months. He ended up not being like, like I said, you can see the transition of my healing because he looks like ⁓ ⁓ somebody that was in prison for many, many years. So at a very young age, he did some bad things that I wasn't aware of and thank God he did them. Cause I was able to Pete: Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: then get an annulment because of that, because he didn't share those things with me. And so I got thankfully out of that that my next marriage, abusive in his own way, but ⁓ was picking better people, but damaged people. And so I had my first child with him and I once I my child, we weren't safe. So I was like, okay, I got to get out of this. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. The Healing Haul: And my now husband was actually the boy next door. We grew up next to each other. he was houses down from me. we had the, ⁓ know, back then you played in the streets. ⁓ all had the little neighborhood kids, right? And so he was part of that. And so my house was in between two rentals and then his house was right there. ⁓ ⁓ Pete: ⁓ okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, definitely, yeah. The Healing Haul: most of the houses were owned, but there were like these three that were around me that were rentals. he thought the police were always coming to one of the rentals, but they were coming to my house. And so ⁓ he unaware. Nobody really my dad. ⁓ They were of him. Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: He saw the police out in front, but he always thought it was for the one rental to the one side of me. it wasn't somebody who was calling because my dad would yell so loud ⁓ he'd break things that were important to us. And so they would call and then I'd have to say, which I really did. I thought I was fine. They always ask me if something happened to me. Well, no, because Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: my mom was the one, know, that was, you know, the brunt of whatever was happening. So, So he was somewhat aware of my family situation, but he was not aware all that I had gone through. ⁓ I was scared to tell him because it's lot. ⁓ It's lot. then with sexually active I had in my early ⁓ 20s, that ⁓ a lot. To that you're not one, you're not two, you're not even number 50. Pete: Mm-hmm. I think like let me let me touch on that really fast. I think the body counting is just bullshit I think people need to stop fucking worrying about all that and you know and people like ⁓ I get intimidated it's like stop making excuses bro don't make up if you're not interested in her don't be interested in bro the body counts just a number but like that shit shouldn't even matter that conversation should never exist between two people because it happened one time with one of my exes and they were not happy with me at all they're like ⁓ this and i'm like The Healing Haul: Go! Yeah. Pete: You ask the question, you want to know the answer, then here's the answer, then you don't like the answer. You know what mean? That's one side is going to get mad at the other or you're a whore or this. Bro, that doesn't matter. Who cares? People fixate on the dumbest shit possible. Like my girlfriend now could have a higher body count than I do and I don't even care. Like she comes with a whole mess of things that, you know, she is just BVD. I don't know if you know what that is, but it's a really, The Healing Haul: Yeah. Yeah. Pete: It's really extreme thing. She had her emotions are like on 1000 versus mine being 100, you know, so like, I have to really think about things I say. you know, just as an example, like I get exactly coming into something really complex from his side, because you will basically fit in the same category. She does like you had a lot bringing a lot to the table. In me, I didn't care. Like I understand like doing the show. I understand I hear a lot of things. I see a lot of things I discussed. So I understood a lot more than she realized. Like I let me do a lot of research about what her condition is to The Healing Haul: ⁓ no. Pete: But I can only imagine what happened when he found this out. he's still obviously married him. So obviously he was understanding of this whole thing and he was very receptive and very accepting of things, you know, and he didn't judge you for anything that you've gone through, you know, right? I mean, I'm very well, obviously you guys are married. So, you know. The Healing Haul: No, so he, so first off my mom called because she was meddling, ⁓ mean, she's no longer with us, but ⁓ know, like she had become so dysfunctional. And I think when she out about that, I became the other woman to her ⁓ in a way. And ⁓ she just ⁓ Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: was against me and the more I healed, the more I surpassed her coping mechanisms. So it just made it even worse because again, I was the black sheep, but yeah, I had to take care of her because I was the only child. So was it to take care of her. So she had called his mom and told her about, you know, she was molested. You know, she's been married. ⁓ She just to try to... Pete: Mm-hmm. ⁓ no. ⁓ wow. The Healing Haul: ruined our relationship before it even started. And my husband and I, went to catch up ⁓ ⁓ as friends really, and we were both attracted to each other. ⁓ saw each other through a different lens. We were little kids. We were ⁓ right? We weren't these older, made a bunch of mistakes people. were the little kids that Pete: Yeah. Mm-hmm. ⁓ huh. The Healing Haul: that liked each other, even though we didn't. We sort of butt heads when we were little, but we still cared about each other. so ⁓ ⁓ was genuine. It grew very quickly because there was already a built-in trust. And was the first man that was patient me. And he still is. He understands ⁓ because Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: He was part of my therapy. He was part of, I started therapy, like good therapy, because there's bad therapy. therapy started in 2005, right? So that's when it started. And I went, I did AMAC, Adults, Molested as Children. I did that for years. I did EMDR for years. And there's good and bad of that. Let tell you. Night and day difference between the two people that I had. And then the therapist I had, a good therapist is not judging you. They're not putting their own ⁓ on you. They are allowing you to work through your emotions ⁓ to figure that you ⁓ need, ⁓ they to allow you and give you the space to forgive yourself, because that's what therapy is about. It's about you forgiving yourself for the situations that you could not protect yourself from. ⁓ Or Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're right. The Healing Haul: things that you did that you not have had the tools. It's all forgiveness. It's about you forgiving you. I did that for 15 years and he was, you know, within that 15 years and he made sure I had the time. He made sure I went there. He didn't realize in the beginning how broken down I was. I didn't realize how broken down I was. There was some sort of defense mechanism in the beginning where I just thought I was okay. Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: I didn't even realize how my story was until ⁓ on when I was going through therapy and working through it. And I'm like, ⁓ my gosh, like I was seriously abused. Like this is not ⁓ minor. Pete: Like like bad doesn't even describe it Holly like holy fuck is how you should describe this story to people listen I got a holy fuck story for you because literally where this thing started to where we're now girl Let me tell you we took a trip. I'm like, holy fuck dude Like I am very rendered speechless very little you were the second guest this season to render me this speech is for this long Like I didn't know what to say. I was like, holy shit Like I didn't know what words were not coming to me as you're describing this story to me. I'm like The Healing Haul: Yeah. Pete: Huh? Holy like, like God girl, I tell you what, Jesus almighty, have you been through a lot. The Healing Haul: Well then... Then... So then there's what my mom did. ⁓ moved, ⁓ lost, so she, there only, there was not really medications for MS, so she, my grandma took her and paid for a holistic center. She was taking vitamins. She swam in our pool. You know, that was her exercise. So when my parents got divorced, that was all taken from her. She had to move from a nice home with a pool to a mobile Pete: no. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: that my grandma paid for us. And then she couldn't afford the vitamins anymore, right? So she could get some of them, but not all of them. so I was blamed for that. And not a year after I'm taken out of this abusive situation with my father, which he sent me letters repeatedly. He was of the Baha'i faith. So it was that I was the devil, that there's something wrong with me. ⁓ He would then round about attack my mother and her seem, you know, like how disgusting she was, who would want to have sex with her anyways, like things like that were all in these letters. ⁓ a year after that, my mom ⁓ me to date this guy that really I would never let any of my children's date. He went to an alternative school for, you know, the kids that misbehave. Pete: Yeah. ⁓ wow. Jesus. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: Smoked cigarettes, he two years older than me. But I was attracted to him, I liked him, and my mom allowed me to date him. And so when his parents moved, they moved from San Diego where we were to Arizona, I finally broke up with him after a month of, it was probably a month, maybe two months of long distance, and it just got ridiculous, and we were so young. so, and he's the first. Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: man I had sex with, man, boy. And so my mom ⁓ she set up my room for a high school friend that she was going to, you know, they were gonna stay for, she was gonna stay for a week so that I would have to stay in my mom's room with her. And instead ⁓ she flies on fur dime, ⁓ on money away from us. ⁓ Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: my boyfriend that I'd just broken up with. And then ⁓ was in this arranged marriage, I'm gonna say, even though we weren't married, that I had to keep quiet. I was isolated from my grandma, isolated from my friends, knew I couldn't join high school events ⁓ or, know, like I wanted to be part of the whatever the, it's not. whatever, can't even remember what it's called, you know, like the group that gets all the rallies and stuff together. I had wanted to join that and I literally went to the door and walked away because... Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The Healing Haul: I knew. people couldn't get close to me because now I had another secret. And so even though I cared about my boyfriend and liked being around him, I did not want to be in this arranged ⁓ marriage. did not want to be isolated from my friends and my grandmother. And so three years, my whole time I... Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: know, was in high school. I graduated a year early. I was with him ⁓ and my set it up. She had me go get birth control. Cities away. So we're in Lakeside and I had to go to Hillcrest to plan Parenthood so it wouldn't show up on my insurance. And then we donate $5 and ⁓ they would you free, basically free birth control, condoms. ⁓ And ⁓ Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: That's the type of mother I had like that's what she did for me and I didn't even realize that that was wrong Even though I didn't you my my ⁓ I first revolted like I was so excited to meet my mom's high school friend and instead Like my new horror was about to start and It took me the longest time. My EMDR therapist, she had to tell me, Holly, she was part of it because I still was protecting her. I was still protecting my mom. And that was the hardest therapy I had to go through was what she had done to me, not even my father. was her. was her. And I think that is also... Pete: Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: something that when you have abusive households, we tend to gravitate to the safer parent. it's not always recognized that they both weren't safe. So I want to bring awareness to that because that might be you. And ⁓ defended mother like till my ⁓ 30s, right? was mistreating me this whole time and I still defended her. Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: I defended her actions, ⁓ you know, and then it would be, it's her MS, you know, like that would be thrown out. So that, didn't to my independence. I didn't get to ⁓ learn how to relationships in a healthy way during that period. ⁓ I didn't get ⁓ have the friendships because, that, Pete: Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: desperately put me in this bubble and depression that would just be there. And you talked about suicide, that for sure came up, especially after I had my son. was, I would say my first, well, I attempted to take vitamins when I was 13, like right after we had moved. Not now, I took. Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: a bunch of vitamin C. Like it was never gonna do anything to me, but I didn't know that. So that was my first like actual, I don't wanna be here anymore. I don't wanna deal with this is what it mainly was. And then it wouldn't really show up again until after I had my son. And that's when I realized I needed help. I need more help than, because he was born sick. So that whole pregnancy was horrible. Pete: Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: And then I was all alone because my first husband just checked out. So there were so many emotions that I didn't even know how to ⁓ I I needed to protect him, but I also knew I was so messed up. On paper, looked stable. ⁓ On paper, looked like a really good partner. Internally, I was a mess. ⁓ mess. I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to adult. I didn't know how to take care of other people. I didn't know how to take care of myself. Pete: Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: So, that, when come to that point, we could about rock bottom, whatever that is, but when you devastate yourself, you have a choice. There's a choice to pick yourself up. It is not hopeless. It's not. You have a choice to do something about it. ⁓ you mentioned, Gabe Monte, Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: you know, the body keeps score. There's so many self-help books there. And those take you so long. It's finding what works for you, going outside in nature, finding your own rhythm, creating your own, through Tai Chi, there was an arrow root exercise I did online. And realized for the first time here, I'm what, 39 years old when I do this ⁓ arrow training and it was the first time I realized I never felt responsible for my own body. Like I felt everybody else owned my body but me. And so it was the very first time, almost 40 years old, I realized, ⁓ my gosh, I need to take ownership back over my own body. it might look differently for everybody on how you do that, but... if I could urge anybody that's like me or similar to me. ⁓ And the thing is, know my story's heavy. It's hard to hear. It's hard, especially to hear for people that have never experienced stuff like this, because you just wanna believe it doesn't exist, but it does. And contributing to it by ignoring it. That's what I have to say about that. You are contributing to it by ignoring it, by not being... Pete: Yeah. Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: part of like, let's change this. Let's change this so that I just watched the documentary with the Boy Scouts. know, the keeps these things going. It does. It's because ⁓ like this system and they're built on silence. They're built on fear. So when you don't say anything, you don't do anything, it continues and it ⁓ so many people ⁓ a lot of people, I'm lucky. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. The Healing Haul: I'm lucky I didn't end up like... I'm lucky I had that grandma that took me out of that. That I didn't end up becoming an abuser myself. That I didn't become them. ⁓ Yeah. Pete: Yeah. Become the monster they were. Yeah. No, I get you. And you know, it's, it's, it's awesome that you didn't give into that and where you're at now, it's awesome. Sounds like you have a better support system and a better grip on things. So, as we start getting ready to wrap up this episode, I did want to ask you another question. I've asked you a question. It's all my guests. I'm kind of interested to get your ⁓ on this one. Okay. You ready for it? ⁓ if your mental health had a song, what would you say your song would be? The Healing Haul: Gosh. A mental... ⁓ is! Pete: This is a great question, I'm telling you, because you can answer it any way you want it to be. The Healing Haul: So, know, the first thing that came to my mind was she makes no sense, but it's a moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. Pete: Okay, All right, Kelly Clarkson makes her first appearance in this ⁓ question range, you know? I mean, there's no wrong answer to it. So whatever song you feel comes right to you. It's like, there you go. There you go. The Healing Haul: But you know, you- Yeah! That was it. That was it. So like, I'm not rationalizing it, but you know what? about all the little moments. A moment like this, right? In that song, last lifetime, right? So, and they do. I, while can still cry about everything that has ever happened to me, I can create new moments. I can create healthier patterns. I can create boundaries. ⁓ Pete: Exactly. happier memories too, you know, to replace the tarot The Healing Haul: happier memories and you know, there's an exercise that I started a while ago and it's it's not about I would suggest processing emotions first, you don't want to you know, minimize or or not Pretend it didn't happen. But I I put myself in my past sometimes when it pops up and I recreate better memories so that way I'm not stuck ⁓ Pete: Yeah. The Healing Haul: this happened to me or doom and gloom, ⁓ okay, you know what, maybe instead of being drowned in the pool, I'm eating watermelon. You know, like, ⁓ just, because know what? They're not here anymore. They're not like, ⁓ my might be alive. I don't know, I haven't had anything to do with him since that ⁓ I confronted a few times and that didn't go well either. He threatened to sue me. Pete: Yeah. Yeah. The Healing Haul: saying, I know what you did to me. You what, I'm just gonna leave you alone. You have a good life. ⁓ You a good life. But that's the in life, right? I believe in a higher power ⁓ and there's a for your life. As many times as I thought, ⁓ I felt nobody on my side, that there was no, they didn't almost even believe that Pete: Right. The Healing Haul: that they were better off without me. is a reason for your life. There is a purpose for your life. And if anything, we can be the bright light to help somebody else. Even when nobody else ⁓ wanting us to be here. ⁓ You have the choice. God made you, he put you in this earth and have a purpose as long as you're here. And don't make that journey short because I've had Pete: Exactly. Exactly. The Healing Haul: My husband and I, you we've been together 17 years now. We have two beautiful children together and I experienced so much joy that I, I died I would have never it. I would have only known the tragedies of the world and we create what we want to see, right? So, ⁓ Pete: Yeah. Okay. The Healing Haul: If I wake up affirmations, I wake up positive every day, I open my windows, I make my bed. I have these rituals that I do for myself and they are imperative for me to keep my mental health. Imperative. So I'd urge anybody to do that as well. So a moment like this, because each moment of your life, matters it is what you make of it. Pete: Yeah. Yeah, I love it. Absolutely. Holly. And with that being said, we're going to wrap up this episode of Pete versus I.D. Thank you so much for coming today and sharing that story. You've just made the ranks of the number three craziest story ever told on this show. And it's not to say that your story didn't matter. It was it's that powerful of a story. feel like people are going to hear this thing and go, holy shit. What? Wow. Wow. And you're still here. You're still doing great things, you know, and for everybody's not watching this, Holly's actually named as the healing hall. So did you want to plug where they can find you? You know, what's the best place if they want to reach out and say, Holly, I heard your story. I think you're amazing. I want to show some support to you. Where's the best place they can reach you? The Healing Haul: So thehealinghall.com or my email is thehealinghall.gmail.com and part of my story that we didn't get into is I was also diagnosed with MS. So what I do now is I help people take a holistic approach to that because ⁓ I got right? And I people navigate. A lot of people that... Pete: Mm-hmm. The Healing Haul: get autoimmune disease, it's attached to emotional traumas. And so a lot of the people that follow me, that's why they follow me. And then I'm Holly Hague ⁓ Facebook. I have a decent following there. And I do reels ⁓ things that I've done to make life better. So ⁓ that's what I do today. ⁓ And sort of my way to give back, right? Like ⁓ I found my purpose. Pete: Mm-hmm. That's awesome. That's awesome, Holly. I so much appreciate you coming and sharing that story. That was very powerful. I know it was a very sensitive story. I appreciate you coming and hanging out with us and telling us all that and just keep doing what you're doing. It's great. I love it. You know, and things like that as well, you know, and I just want to say that you have the full support of me on this show. Anything else you do going forward makes you tag me and I'd love to be a supporter of what you're doing. I think that you know, you're not alone out there. People are to hear this story and feel like they're not the victim anymore. They have somebody that's with them now. And you know, and anybody that, that wants to pass judgment that says you something, let me know. Cause we'll give them a personal shout out here. Cause I love the irritating people. So I'll give them a personal shout out for you. Don't worry. Because we don't like those kinds of people. And I don't think that you sharing your story, you should be judged by anybody by being coming here and telling them the things that you did, because that's hard enough to even share that kind of thing with somebody to relive that as you're sharing it. It's even rougher. So Holly, thank you so much for being so strong coming here. I so much appreciate you being here today. I had a great time talking to you. I enjoyed hearing the story and thank you so much for what you're doing. The Healing Haul: Thank you for having me. I appreciate what you're doing. Pete: Yeah, definitely. Thank you so much, guys. With that being said, we're going to wrap up this episode of Pete first anxiety. You know where to find me at Peter exciting on Spotify, all the down the Pandora radio. I'm going to take that all the way down to X and as always say, it costs nothing. Absolutely. That's being kind to somebody. One kind act you can do can save someone's life or hell, you can make their day. I'm Pete first anxiety sign off. See, don't ask how your day is today. Say, Hey, how's your mental health?