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Transcript

“Advocating for Yourself with Compassion” With Melinda Lee · Speak In Flow

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  Melinda Lee: In 2016, my mother passed away with cancer. And of
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  all places those found in her mouth. She did not speak up for
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  her needs. She was doing things for everyone else. Typical
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  immigrant, came here to the United States, just in survival
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  mode trying to do things for others find food, get money,
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  and, and doesn't that feel like what we do. I we're constantly
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  working and doing things for other people. And my mother
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  didn't stop. And this is one of her deepest regrets. As she was
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  laying on that hospital bed. She said, I wish I had more time for
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  myself. So this episode is for all of you who are on the go all
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  the time, and really not considering your deepest needs.
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  And I invite you today to really consider are your needs your
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  deepest needs being met? And how do you communicate that in a way
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  that is compassionate, that is empathetic for yourself and also
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  others. So we're going to go over a very simple structure on
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  how to do that. And it's by Rosenberg, and the book I invite
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  you to get is called nonviolent communication. And Rosenberg
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  advocate that says that while most of us are using violent
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  communication, we might not really be aware of it. But when
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  we go into exhaustion, burnout, and we start fingerpointing
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  saying you never helped me, or you don't care, those type of
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  words and language will cause a divide and, and be considered as
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  violent. And so alternatively, you have an opportunity to say
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  what you need in a very empathetic way. And in the book,
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  it talks about our deepest needs, my mother needed rest, my
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  mother needed support. And so there are basic ones that all
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  humans need. And Rosenberg talks about connection, love, empathy,
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  joy, creativity, rest fun. All of these when we're depleted
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  from it, we start to have emotion, we start to build up
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  emotion on top of that. And then when we have a lot of emotion on
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  top of that, we start to spew out words, if we don't get what
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  we want, it becomes passive aggressive, or we start to use
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  words and language that is violent and pointing fingers
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  because you're not getting what you deeply need. So here's a
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  simple framework that you can use to start advocating for
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  yourself compassionately. four parts, first is stating an
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  observation. Second, is stating your feeling around the
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  observation. Third, is stating your needs just like I talked
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  about, and fourth, is requesting not demanding. I'm going to
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  break down each of them. The first one is stating an
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  observation. You want to open up the conversation with facts,
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  facts that are indisputable, versus blame, or evaluation.
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  Start off with the fact like the observation, the action that you
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  noticed, I noticed that you turned in the report 15 minutes
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  late over the past week. Right. So being very specific. I
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  noticed that you didn't do the dishes for the fourth time this
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  month.
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  And so those are very specific actions. Alternatively, you can
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  start off with saying something like you're always late, you
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  never helped me. Right? How do you think that that's going to
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  be received, even if the observation and action you
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  notice validates your point, when you come at someone with
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  language like that, because you've been holding it in for so
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  long, and you can't take it anymore, that will cause
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  defensiveness in the other person, and then you'll break
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  the opportunity to even understand or come to some type
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  of solution together. And so I invite you to to really open up
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  the conversation with just observation. And not fact, there
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  is an Indian philosopher who said, observing without
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  evaluating is one of the highest forms of human intelligence. So
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  encourage you to start observing. And then once you
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  stated the observation, the fact that action that you've observed
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  And then you can move into stating your feeling around it.
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  When I saw that you turn in your report late for the third or
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  fourth time, I feel disappointed. I feel concerned,
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  because I'm not sure what's going to happen. I feel sad. So
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  these are feeling words using very specific language, sad,
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  concerned, disappointed. And the person is going to be hard for
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  them to get defensive, because this is your feeling. They
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  there, it's like, I'm owning my feeling, and I'm letting you
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  know about it. If someone had come to you and say, and said to
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  you, you shouldn't feel like that. I want you to really think
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  about how you started the opening? Did you start off with
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  a fact? Or did you start to do an evaluation, and then telling
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  them your feeling. So when you can start off with an opening
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  that is open, and not evaluative, then go into your
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  feeling, then it's more genuine, and people are more open to
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  hearing it because you're not there, they don't need to put
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  their defences up. So observation, then your feeling
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  around the observation, and then finally, staining your need. And
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  I noticed that you didn't do your chores over the last three
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  weeks, like you said you would. And that makes me so
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  disappointed. Because I need to trust your words, I need to be
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  able to trust you, I need to be able to know and I can count on
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  you. So you stating the needs. And if you need more support, go
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  into the book and look at all the basic needs, I need to rest,
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  I want to be able to count on you to do the dishes so I can
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  rest. So the more you're claiming your needs or claim
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  your feelings or your needs, the more you're going to have a
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  chance to get them and achieve them and obtain them. And you're
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  seeing it in a very compassionate way. Finally, you
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  go into requesting, can we talk about how you can do the dishes
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  more often? Can we talk about how we can help you with getting
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  the report done on time, not a demand. A demand causes
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  defensiveness again. So if you say I want you to do the report,
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  and I want you to be on time, people get defensive. So when
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  you say there's a question, people at least have an
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  opportunity to comment, people have an opportunity to give them
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  give you their story, and give and then you can have a
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  dialogue, right start to do deep listening, and start to
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  understand perhaps if they're resistant, they might not have
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  their needs met. And so you want to start asking questions about
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  what are their needs? Maybe they are, they're not getting their
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  need of autonomy met. They're a teen and they don't want to do
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  the dishes because they want to be autonomous. And so really
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  asking the questions about what are their deepest needs, not
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  just the feeling, but also a need underneath that. The need
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  is the root of all feelings. If you think about a plant, you
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  have the plant and then you have the roots, the emotions that are
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  happening at the top are all the feelings and then deep down
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  inside, the feelings are coming up because a deep need the root
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  is not being met. So I encourage you to go deep and find out what
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  need is not being met. Using this powerful, simple framework
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  that will allow you to speak compassionately, speak,
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  empathetically, can you know being more compassionate, using
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  this framework, to be compassionate, to advocate for
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  your needs, your deepest desires, it is only when you
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  advocate for your deepest desires and your needs, that you
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  have the opportunity to be met by somebody. And when you say it
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  in that way, you start to open up your heart receive with
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  compassion, know that when you can believe that you are so
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  deserving of receiving all that is available to you then other
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  people will receive and want to get it's a beautiful universal
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  law, the giving and receiving and most of us are constantly
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  giving and then when you can only give yourself what you
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  want. Other people will also want to give you what you
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  deserve. So remember that. Remember, by using nonviolent
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  communication, you can start to receive and receive what you
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  desire. i I wish that my mom advocated for her needs. I wish
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  that she was able to understand take A time to understand her
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  deepest needs and allow herself to speak and allow herself to
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  receive help people to support her. And I know that she's not
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  here with us today. But it is my passion and my duty and my
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  responsibility to impart how we can all do this together in a
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  very empathetic way, so that we can better understand each
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  other, better understand each other's needs, so that we can
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  all be closer, have deeper, meaningful relationships, even
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  when there's chaos, complexity, and know that by understanding
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  each other more deeply, that you can build a more meaningful
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  relationship and a better worlds. So take that those four
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  simple tips and a framework to speak non violently. Until then,
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  until I see you on the next episode, I wish you best and I
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  am your sister in flow. Much love to you