Latest / Quarterback DadCast | Intentional Fatherhood & Leadership at Home / Collin Henderson - Co-Parenting Like A Quarterback

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Collin Henderson - Co-Parenting Like A Quarterback · Quarterback DadCast | Intentional Fatherhood & Leadership at Home

0:03
SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm Riley.
0:04
SPEAKER_01: And I'm Ryder.
0:05
SPEAKER_01: And this is my dad's show.
0:12
SPEAKER_02: Hey everybody, it's Casey J.
0:13
SPEAKER_02: Cox with the quarterback Dadcast.
0:15
SPEAKER_02: Welcome to season seven.
0:17
SPEAKER_02: Can't wait for this season as there's a lot of great guests ahead.
0:20
SPEAKER_02: If you're new to this podcast, really it's simple.
0:22
SPEAKER_02: It's a podcast where we we interview dads, we learn about how they were raised, we learn about the life lessons that were important to them, we learn about the values that are important to them, and really we learn about how we can work hard to become a better quarterback or leader of our home.
0:35
SPEAKER_02: So let's sit back, relax, and listen to today's episode of the Quarterback Deckcast.
0:40
SPEAKER_02: Hey everybody, it's Casey J.
0:42
SPEAKER_02: Cox with the Quarterback Deckcast.
0:43
SPEAKER_02: We're in season seven, and we are welcoming back another Koog from part two.
0:49
SPEAKER_02: We don't bring people back unless they're straight ballers and they can run a money post corner, which our next guy can.
0:55
SPEAKER_02: It is the one and only Colin Henderson, everybody, which I'm sure you remember him.
0:59
SPEAKER_02: And if you know his stuff, you know his stuff.
1:01
SPEAKER_02: But we're we're bringing Stehen back because he um one, he's got a new book from the Osman, but who doesn't love Blizzard of Oz?
1:09
SPEAKER_02: We're gonna learn more about that.
1:10
SPEAKER_02: He's he's continuing to master people's mindset, he's continually to rock the team at Limitless Minds, is where we initially met.
1:18
SPEAKER_02: Um, but more importantly, we're gonna talk about life as a dad and continue to find out how he's working hard, become the ultimate quarterback or leader of his home.
1:25
SPEAKER_02: So, Mr.
1:26
SPEAKER_02: Henderson, welcome back to quarterback Dadcast.
1:29
SPEAKER_01: Casey, I'm in the slot.
1:30
SPEAKER_01: We got cover two, cover three doesn't matter.
1:33
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna go high angle, flatten it down.
1:34
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna give you a room.
1:36
SPEAKER_01: One-on-one, uh, I want the ball.
1:38
SPEAKER_02: You want it on a rope?
1:41
SPEAKER_02: We'll just we'll just read the safety.
1:42
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:44
SPEAKER_01: And we we need a we need an outside hitch out to hold that corner defender to give us space.
1:50
SPEAKER_01: I gotta make sure I trust my window and let it rip.
1:53
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:54
SPEAKER_01: So I'm so thankful.
1:55
SPEAKER_01: You said season seven.
1:56
SPEAKER_01: I remember having lunch with you.
1:59
SPEAKER_01: Was it seven years ago?
2:01
SPEAKER_01: And you just written your book and you're starting coaching because you were consulting at the time.
2:06
SPEAKER_01: Um, and we were just so excited.
2:10
SPEAKER_01: And I remember just feeling your energy, and I believe that influence is a transfer of energy.
2:15
SPEAKER_01: And I remember the first moment I met you, you had such a warm, giving, loving energy.
2:23
SPEAKER_01: And I can see why you were successful in every phase of your of your life.
2:28
SPEAKER_01: I appreciate that, man.
2:29
SPEAKER_02: Well, uh attraction is attractive to other people, if that's I'm not sure that made sense.
2:34
SPEAKER_02: But like it's I feel the same about you, man.
2:35
SPEAKER_02: It's um I I'm one of abundance.
2:39
SPEAKER_02: I'm one that celebrates other people's success.
2:41
SPEAKER_02: And I love seeing people who are doing great things, and because the world needs a lot of positivity.
2:48
SPEAKER_02: And I think uh you you you're one of the ones that bring it.
2:50
SPEAKER_02: So keep doing what you do, bro.
2:52
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
2:53
SPEAKER_02: Um, okay.
2:55
SPEAKER_02: So last last time we spoke, we got we have we have five rug rats.
2:59
SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
3:00
SPEAKER_02: What's what's changed with the with the kiddos in five years, man?
3:02
SPEAKER_02: I'm sure they're five years busy with sports.
3:05
SPEAKER_01: Five years, yeah.
3:06
SPEAKER_01: It's a lot has changed.
3:07
SPEAKER_01: Uh 2021, August, moved from Washington, Urban, Washington, moved to Nashville, Tennessee.
3:14
SPEAKER_01: And a lot has changed.
3:15
SPEAKER_01: A lot of um life, difficult, challenging life adjustments that we've endured, but currently co-parenting very well.
3:23
SPEAKER_01: Um, kids now are see, 7, 8, 10, 12, and 13.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: And um lots of learning.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: Um, lots of learning.
3:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it was some heartbreak, heartbreak for me.
3:36
SPEAKER_01: Um, a change in vision, values, priorities, and uh just you know, co-parenting is an interesting thing, but I'd love to talk about you know, kind of what things I've learned.
3:44
SPEAKER_01: I think dads can really listen to this.
3:46
SPEAKER_01: I hope they do, because um over kind of two, three, four years of mending a broken heart, I've done a lot of research on you know what the numbers are.
3:58
SPEAKER_01: And being a statistic was never in my game plan, it was never like an option for me, but you have to just adjust and make the most of it.
4:05
SPEAKER_01: So I'm I'm happy to tell you know, dads listening what what I learned.
4:11
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that'd be great.
4:12
SPEAKER_02: And and we've done a lot of episodes on co-parenting because I think there's not haven't been a lot of platforms out there that I've seen that that dads take time to have these conversations.
4:20
SPEAKER_02: So shout out to you, CN for being vulnerable enough to help and share others.
4:25
SPEAKER_02: And that's what leaders do.
4:26
SPEAKER_02: They lead with influence and with affection and with honesty.
4:29
SPEAKER_02: And I know that you're a beast at that.
4:31
SPEAKER_02: Um maybe just share like two or three like key aha's for you that you've found to be most successful in your in your, I guess, this co-parenting journey that's found you.
4:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so obviously if there's dads here, there's probably a relationship that uh help you enter in fatherhood.
4:49
SPEAKER_01: So I think the thing I learned in terms of you know, male development, uh dad development is the unfortunate truth, Casey, is most men are not willing to work on their relationship unless there's a crisis.
5:06
SPEAKER_01: I think that's what I found.
5:08
SPEAKER_01: And you look at Stanford Published Data, came out in 2015.
5:13
SPEAKER_01: About divorces are initiated by the female.
5:18
SPEAKER_01: And if the female has a college degree, it jumps up to 90%.
5:23
SPEAKER_01: So just those numbers, I just feel like couples, men should be aware that there's a lot of unsatisfied wives and women in that relationship when you're parenting.
5:36
SPEAKER_01: And I think a really powerful book that I read several years ago, one of the best-selling books of the 90s, men are from Mars and Women Are From Venus.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: And I think the male, female brain or just their nature wiring, they're just it's just kind of different.
5:53
SPEAKER_01: They're just different.
5:53
SPEAKER_01: I think women, you can make argument, are a little more aware socially.
5:57
SPEAKER_01: They're more in touch emotionally.
6:01
SPEAKER_01: Um, they're more report talkers, men are more report talkers, men are more outcome-driven, hunt and gatherer, goal-driven.
6:09
SPEAKER_01: And you look at, you know, a question sometimes I when I'm mentoring men in their relationship is do you spend as much of your time, energy thinking about providing for your wife as you do for your job?
6:22
SPEAKER_01: The the PowerPoint presentation, the whining and dining, the creativity, like do you spend as much time in that in your relationship as a dad and as a as a husband?
6:31
SPEAKER_01: And usually the answer is no.
6:33
SPEAKER_01: Um, so the thing I'm trying to be on a soapbox is uh no one ever gets married and plans to get divorced.
6:40
SPEAKER_01: At least I hope not.
6:40
SPEAKER_01: And you don't think it'll happen to you.
6:42
SPEAKER_01: I was one of one of those people.
6:44
SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's this slower erosion and uh resentment, Casey, has felt when needs are not met.
6:51
SPEAKER_01: And as I found, the number one killer in relationships and culture is a lack of effective communication.
6:56
SPEAKER_01: And that elective uh lack of effective communication is coming from kind of two silos.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: Silo one is someone's not honest and sharing with their needs, or the other person is not listening.
7:07
SPEAKER_01: So really champion prioritizing communication, honesty, uh having check-ins.
7:13
SPEAKER_01: But I would just love to challenge any dad, you know, and listen to this right now.
7:18
SPEAKER_01: Because there's a long, it's a long life.
7:21
SPEAKER_01: And are you having the same amount of focus and energy in your relationship that you are with your hobbies, with your with your work?
7:30
SPEAKER_02: That's a that's an honest look-in-the-face conversation, everybody.
7:34
SPEAKER_02: If if you're ready to be honest with yourself.
7:36
SPEAKER_02: Um you know, as I'm talking to you, Colin, hearing you say that, you immediately meet made me think of um our boy Matt Miller.
7:46
SPEAKER_02: And Matt Miller said, I remember one of the best things he taught me like a long time ago, he said, How do you how can I be a better husband this week?
7:54
SPEAKER_02: How can I be a better uh dad this week?
7:56
SPEAKER_02: And if we really want to know, ask.
7:59
SPEAKER_02: And I'm I'm a believer that curiosity is one of the most life's superpowers that let that really dormant in people.
8:06
SPEAKER_02: And I'm a I'm a curiosity of psycho trying to teach curiosity to the world.
8:10
SPEAKER_02: But I love that question, dude.
8:12
SPEAKER_02: I mean, um, and if and if you're unsure, everybody, imagine if you went and surprised your wife and asked them.
8:19
SPEAKER_02: Ask her that question.
8:21
SPEAKER_01: And it's like, do you know their love languages?
8:23
SPEAKER_01: Do you know what's called attachment styles?
8:27
SPEAKER_01: Um, are you anxious?
8:28
SPEAKER_01: Are you avoidant?
8:30
SPEAKER_01: Are you a combination of both?
8:31
SPEAKER_01: You know, I think there's just things that I've researched, I've found that a lot of relationships kind of come down to a few things.
8:37
SPEAKER_01: The first one is conditioning your adult relationship as a window into your childhood.
8:45
SPEAKER_01: I'll say that again.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: Your adult relationship is a window into your childhood.
8:48
SPEAKER_01: So I think you've either experienced love or how you how your nervous system is used to feeling comfortable or seen, and sometimes that's not healthy.
8:59
SPEAKER_01: So so conditioning is is thing.
9:01
SPEAKER_01: Like, have you dealt with your stuff?
9:03
SPEAKER_01: Are you aware of your attachment styles?
9:07
SPEAKER_01: Are you aware of what your nervous system is used to?
9:10
SPEAKER_01: It may not be healthy.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: The the next thing is how how do you deal with conflict?
9:17
SPEAKER_01: How do you deal with conflict?
9:18
SPEAKER_01: Do you have healthy systems around conflict?
9:22
SPEAKER_01: And then can you communicate needs and also listen to needs?
9:28
SPEAKER_01: The research I've really leaned on is from Drs.
9:30
SPEAKER_01: John and Julia Gottman.
9:32
SPEAKER_01: They have the Gottman Institute.
9:32
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm a Kook.
9:33
SPEAKER_01: There are some huskies in Montlake and UW doing some phenomenal research in marriage and relationships over 40 years, and their work was so profound that Dr.
9:43
SPEAKER_01: John Gottman can observe a married couple within 15 minutes, over 90% accuracy, 40 years validated, can determine if this couple would stay married or not.
9:53
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
9:54
SPEAKER_01: And they un and they uncovered what they call the four horsemen of the apocalypse as an end of times.
10:01
SPEAKER_01: So we talked about conditioning, conflict, and then the third one is um how do you communicate?
10:07
SPEAKER_01: And they found if couples, and I think even parenting, this is dads.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: This is you can apply this to a close, intimate relationship.
10:15
SPEAKER_01: These are the four killers of relationship.
10:18
SPEAKER_01: The first one is criticizing.
10:22
SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine, Casey, or have you seen in your life kids quitting sports early because the drive home, or they associate shame and fear and worth tied performance because the dad is critiquing every single thing during the competition, after the competition, and the stands on the car?
10:40
SPEAKER_01: No wonder they're gonna quit.
10:42
SPEAKER_01: Or no wonder there's a lack of safety or connection because the only time I hear from you is when you're putting me down, or that wasn't good enough, or nitpicking, so criticizing.
10:52
SPEAKER_01: The second one they found is uh what they call stonewalling, as in ghosting or ignoring or avoiding affection, or um just the cold shoulder.
11:05
SPEAKER_03: I mean, that is hurtful.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: Um the third one is defensiveness.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: Have you ever seen Casey someone coming to you with the need or you come to someone with a need and then they flip it on you?
11:22
SPEAKER_01: Well, you did this, but you did that, versus just receiving the feedback and getting curious and understanding or validating, yeah, I get that, or I understand that that seems hard.
11:33
SPEAKER_01: Or they get really defensive, but the most damaging of them all is contempt.
11:41
SPEAKER_01: That is, I'm above you, I'm better than you.
11:44
SPEAKER_01: It's just like I have power over you, I don't respect you.
11:47
SPEAKER_01: The eye roll, the sarcasm, the passive aggressiveness, that is the most damaging of all the four.
11:55
SPEAKER_01: So I just think, you know, if you value relationship like you do your favorite car or how much money you make per month, I just think, you know, there are two um well, really the number one decision you can make is your fate, but number two, the number one decision you'll ever make in life is what partner you end up choosing.
12:17
SPEAKER_01: You know, so why would you not put that if that's the most important thing and people always say it, do your actions, focus, and energy align with that?
12:26
SPEAKER_02: And I think there'd be a uh probably that feeling some people who are listening might be getting that gut, that that little pit in your stomach.
12:32
SPEAKER_02: If you're honest with yourself.
12:34
SPEAKER_02: But the cool the cool thing about this conversation that again, I didn't know where it was gonna go.
12:38
SPEAKER_02: I showed up curious, is you're making me think of one of my favorite uh leadership mantras that I got taught, which is it's it's it's okay to say that you don't know, but it's not okay not to do anything about it.
12:49
SPEAKER_02: And if I don't know that answer, which I I don't I'm gonna I'm gonna look myself mirrorly challenge myself based on this conversation today.
12:57
SPEAKER_02: And maybe I go out of my way to do one extra thing for my wife that she's not ready to be ready.
13:02
SPEAKER_02: Or maybe I go if I'm busy or stressed, whatever it is, maybe I go out of my way and say, hey, what needs to be done that I'm not seeing?
13:10
SPEAKER_02: Uh what you're because I think most these some of my buddies that you know they they'll their wife will be reading the defense, like she'll see cover two before cover two is even in my mind.
13:23
SPEAKER_01: They women are way more mentally and emotionally advanced than us, like we are far behind.
13:31
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and you see it with young kids too, unfortunately.
13:33
SPEAKER_02: Sorry, boys, we're kind of airing you out there.
13:35
SPEAKER_02: Now we definitely catch up in life.
13:36
SPEAKER_02: And um okay, so relationships, conflict.
13:42
SPEAKER_02: I want to talk about conflict themselves.
13:44
SPEAKER_02: You said systems.
13:44
SPEAKER_02: Are there systems that you've found that might the dads, if they're going through conflict right now in their life, that that they might be able to lean on or research or learn more about?
13:53
SPEAKER_01: I I I think um the number one thing anybody can do if there's conflict or lack of alignment is use your word, is and I see you got the Ted Lasso believe on you know behind you is don't be judgmental, be curious.
14:11
SPEAKER_01: Have empathy.
14:12
SPEAKER_01: I think empathy is a tool that men have not been taught, it hasn't been modeled, we're taught to be tough, we're taught to grind it out, we're we're taught to you know not feel emotions.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: I think first step in anything is just seek to understand, get curious.
14:27
SPEAKER_01: Tell me how how are you?
14:28
SPEAKER_01: What are you experiencing?
14:29
SPEAKER_01: What are you feeling?
14:30
SPEAKER_01: Tell me what your needs are.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: Um, one of the most powerful leadership questions is how do people experience you?
14:37
SPEAKER_01: Are you predictable in a good way or a bad way?
14:42
SPEAKER_01: I think no one, do you ever see someone in their their goals to be a world-class husband and father?
14:49
SPEAKER_01: They they may write goals around like income and money and status and promotion and house or car, but I just want to challenge if that is the most important decision you'll ever make, aside from your faith.
15:01
SPEAKER_01: Well, why why wouldn't you have some systems around just your energy, your focus, and your time?
15:06
SPEAKER_01: So I think empathy would be a great place to start.
15:09
SPEAKER_01: Understand curiosity.
15:11
SPEAKER_01: Another thing I think men struggle with, one of my favorite books that every man should read is Black Belt Husband.
15:20
SPEAKER_01: And um Quentin Hafner is the author, he was a uh marriage family counselor for 10 years, and he's just like uh therapy is really feminine.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: Uh most of counselors and therapists are are women, like over 80%.
15:34
SPEAKER_01: Um and I think just sometimes it's I think men just need different uh uh strategies, different methods to understand uh where to improve.
15:43
SPEAKER_01: And he says one of the biggest things men can grow is being honest with their needs.
15:51
SPEAKER_01: Is being honest with your needs.
15:52
SPEAKER_01: So really listen intently, listen with an open heart, listen to understand, listen, validate, completely validate, honor someone.
16:01
SPEAKER_01: Don't what women call mansplain and well, you should have done this or you should have done that.
16:06
SPEAKER_01: I think validating and listening is great.
16:08
SPEAKER_01: And then with that, say that makes a lot of sense, but here are some of my needs.
16:17
SPEAKER_01: I think that would be another another great uh solution.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: Hey everyone, my name is Blaise Basell, and I hope you're enjoying today's episode of the Quarterback Dadcast.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: In case you're wondering, I'm a fellow dad and also the president of Kelly Mitchell.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: Kelly Mitchell is an employee-owned technology solutions firm, and we help organizations solve complex business challenges.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: I think at the end of the day, we're we're focused on our team doing work that matters for our clients.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: And that's because the way you show up matters, the way you treat people, clients, teammates, really everyone.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: That shapes the experience and the results that follow.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: I think similarly, Casey has had a real impact on our team internally at Kelly Mitchell.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: He spent time with us most recently in St.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: Louis with our sales team.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: And while he was there, he asked a question that really stuck with me.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: And that was do you believe that what you do matters?
17:13
SPEAKER_00: That question stayed with us.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: It's changed how we approach our day-to-day, how we prepare, how we communicate, and ultimately how we follow through.
17:21
SPEAKER_00: That's why the experience Casey brings to his customers has made such an impact.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: Because whether when people believe their work matters, everything works better across the team, with our clients, and definitely in results.
17:35
SPEAKER_00: So we appreciate you, Casey, and now back to the podcast.
17:39
SPEAKER_02: Hey everybody, it's Casey.
17:40
SPEAKER_02: We had a quick issue with our recording day with Colin, but we're gonna get right back to today's episode talking about the book Black Belt Husband that Colin's gonna rave about and also continue to drop some wisdom on it.
17:52
SPEAKER_02: Let's get back to today's episode.
17:54
SPEAKER_03: Must read.
17:55
SPEAKER_03: Are you married?
17:56
SPEAKER_03: Are you a boyfriend?
17:58
SPEAKER_01: Do you want to be married?
17:59
SPEAKER_01: Read this book.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: There's just not a lot of I think writers, authors who this is coming from a licensed therapist, Mayo, who's a black belt and jujitsu and coaches you up in ways I think men understand better.
18:14
SPEAKER_01: But um he advised, you know, after there's empathy, curiosity, understanding, have that as the foundation.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: Seek to understand first.
18:22
SPEAKER_01: Validate hey man, can you learn these words?
18:28
SPEAKER_01: That's that's hard.
18:29
SPEAKER_01: That makes total sense why you feel that way.
18:32
SPEAKER_01: I totally get it.
18:33
SPEAKER_01: Man, that sucks.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: I'm so sorry.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: And Dr.
18:36
SPEAKER_01: Brene Brown, she says sympathy is seeing someone outside the cave and saying that sucks, but empathy is being in the cave with them and holding space, not fixing, not correcting.
18:46
SPEAKER_01: But getting back to this book, Black Belt Husband, one of the most profound things that he advises in healthy masculinity is being honest with your needs.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: You know how vulnerable it is to say I have a need or my needs aren't being met.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: And seeking to understand, well, usually the energy is a mirror above your energy.
19:07
SPEAKER_01: So how many times, men, have you you've not had sex and you blame the wife where she's actually mirroring your energy to it?
19:14
SPEAKER_01: She doesn't feel connected to you.
19:15
SPEAKER_01: She doesn't feel seen, loved.
19:17
SPEAKER_01: You know, touch has been uh due to a a covert contract instead of just touch because you love someone.
19:27
SPEAKER_01: So I I just think there needs to be a balance of sharing your needs.
19:33
SPEAKER_01: But one of the best ways you can love someone, your children or your spouse is anticipating their needs and deliver that without them asking.
19:43
SPEAKER_01: You want to talk about some gangster dad shit?
19:46
SPEAKER_01: Is you is you pay attention because a lot of women, they're so perceptive of your needs.
19:51
SPEAKER_01: They know every how you like your sandwich, how you like your salad, your favorite restaurants.
19:56
SPEAKER_01: Like, how are you that perceptive of their needs, paying attention?
20:00
SPEAKER_01: And if you can do that without them asking, another powerful book I want y'all to check out is The Wife App.
20:08
SPEAKER_01: It's a fiction book about three divorced women talking about how men are clueless on what they call invisible labor, the mental load.
20:19
SPEAKER_01: There's a movie out right now by Nate Brigazzi.
20:23
SPEAKER_01: He's basically a train wreck at home because his wife left.
20:26
SPEAKER_01: He has zero domestic skills.
20:29
SPEAKER_01: Women are working just like men, but they're doing 80% of the work at home.
20:32
SPEAKER_01: This is not 1942, bro.
20:36
SPEAKER_01: You know, so um, yeah, I just feel like some men, you know, the models we had growing up are out are outdated.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: And I think that go back to the last C, so we got conditioning, conflict communication.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: Talk about conflict.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: I think understanding before, you know, this is for someone who's dating someone, maybe you want to get married, maybe even with your spouse currently.
21:00
SPEAKER_01: What is your view on the word commitment?
21:03
SPEAKER_01: Being able to repair is so vital.
21:07
SPEAKER_01: Being able to repair is such an important element in any relationship because I'm gonna make a mistake.
21:12
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna make a mistake.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: There's a million things happening.
21:15
SPEAKER_01: And if if our commitment is, you know, when things don't go great, I'm out.
21:20
SPEAKER_01: That's not a healthy relationship.
21:22
SPEAKER_01: I think we need to have forgiveness, it's so powerful.
21:26
SPEAKER_01: Give, forgive, know, and grow.
21:28
SPEAKER_01: If we can do those things in that repair phase, that is huge.
21:32
SPEAKER_02: Have you read the book um by a guy named Richard Case on forgiveness?
21:36
SPEAKER_03: No.
21:37
SPEAKER_02: So um I love that we're talking about books, and hopefully, everybody, if you're not taking notes, you should, because you can listen to this again.
21:44
SPEAKER_02: This is gonna be a shorter episode because C Hands got to go out and got the magic to Mike and some other folks.
21:49
SPEAKER_02: But um forgiveness I learned the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
21:54
SPEAKER_02: Forgiveness takes one, reconciliation takes two.
21:57
SPEAKER_02: So forgiveness is uh it's not forgiveness.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: Giving the person, it's forgiving it's getting the energy out of your body so you can be forgiven.
22:04
SPEAKER_02: Doesn't mean you're gonna go be best friends to that person, doesn't mean you're gonna be, but you holding on to that negative energy only hurts you.
22:10
SPEAKER_02: And they're probably not even thinking about the stuff that are impacting you.
22:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's really easier to show it's it's it's sounds easier to it's freaking hard.
22:18
SPEAKER_02: It's hard stuff.
22:19
SPEAKER_02: Like I had a situation recently, I'm not gonna go into it, but like um a guy, and I really, rarely get like mad, mad, dude.
22:27
SPEAKER_02: He got me mad, like really, really mad.
22:30
SPEAKER_02: And um uh I thought I had forgiven, but then I hadn't.
22:37
SPEAKER_02: And and and again, this is back to being empathy and emotion.
22:40
SPEAKER_02: I didn't talk to my wife about it.
22:41
SPEAKER_02: I was kind of scared to talk about it because it's like that's a weird thing.
22:43
SPEAKER_02: And so we had but I ended up having an amazing conversation, and talked to another friend.
22:47
SPEAKER_02: Now, I don't think I've gone to full reconciliation with this person yet, but I think I my hope is I can because I like to think about life as people aren't waking up thinking, how can I be the biggest dick?
22:58
SPEAKER_02: How can I be the biggest a hold of something?
23:02
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, yeah, I agree.
23:04
SPEAKER_02: So be of like curious.
23:06
SPEAKER_02: If I'm being a curiosity guy, then maybe I get curious what happened type thing.
23:11
SPEAKER_02: But um anyway, so reconciliation takes two.
23:14
SPEAKER_02: And forgiveness is it's hard sometimes, but I think it to your point, it's super, super, super, super important.
23:22
SPEAKER_02: Um, and we we gotta make sure we have empathy for our kids because they're gonna make mistakes.
23:26
SPEAKER_02: We want them to make mistakes, that's how they learn and grow.
23:29
SPEAKER_01: You know, but but it's that last C is commitment.
23:32
SPEAKER_01: And it's like, are we committed to what it takes?
23:35
SPEAKER_01: I I'm so blessed to have uh married several people this past year or so.
23:41
SPEAKER_01: And a couple I married, she was a former Olympian, he was a college baseball player, like very successful in business.
23:48
SPEAKER_01: And I said, if I'm gonna marry you, we need to do work ahead of time.
23:52
SPEAKER_01: We gotta go real deep and uncover some patterns that we need to improve on.
23:58
SPEAKER_01: And when you look at forgiveness, I believe that pain that is not properly processed gets projected.
24:07
SPEAKER_01: So there's some form of self-forgiveness as well because we're holding on to baggage, what I call trauma, drama, daddy and mama stuff.
24:14
SPEAKER_01: And we date someone, marry someone, and we expect them to solve our problems.
24:19
SPEAKER_01: It's like asking a doctor or a pharmacist to prescribe the right medicine.
24:23
SPEAKER_01: They don't know the diagnosis.
24:24
SPEAKER_01: We expect our partner to heal all of our wounds.
24:27
SPEAKER_01: So I just feel like we're carrying baggage, and it's hard to forgive other people if we're holding on to that baggage.
24:33
SPEAKER_01: But anybody I'm really tight with close with, a close partner in work, my my kids, I say, I'm gonna make a mistake.
24:43
SPEAKER_01: But I promise you, I'm committed not to make the same mistake twice.
24:47
SPEAKER_03: Mm-hmm.
24:49
SPEAKER_02: You know, one thing I want to go back to, you said around um like empathy, and you triggered um in communication.
24:57
SPEAKER_02: And whether it whether it's a dad, whether it's a mom, whether it's a business leader, whether it's a salesperson, I always think that one of the most powerful things we can do as it relates to like being what we're talking about is before we tell the story or before we try to coach or teach or or influence or help, ask a question to see if they're ready to listen to you.
25:19
SPEAKER_02: So, like in relating to like what the three words, three values that drive me, then actually I got those values when we went through the the Limitless Minds value exercise with Julia Doc Julia.
25:28
SPEAKER_02: And to me, it was crystal clear.
25:30
SPEAKER_02: Now it's like a framework I teach, which is I call my HVC flywheel, which is being the most humble, vulnerable, curious version of myself.
25:36
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like obsessed with those words.
25:38
SPEAKER_01: So if I want to help influence change, humble, vulnerable, curious.
25:42
SPEAKER_01: Correct.
25:43
SPEAKER_01: That's phenomenal.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: That's that's healthy masculinity.
25:46
SPEAKER_02: You know, those it creates a freaking force field to do allow zero egos to get in and keeps my ego out, keeps my ego checked.
25:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
25:56
SPEAKER_02: Um, but like for example, so like if I'm gonna teach someone or or like, hey, um writer, hey, tell me what it'd be helpful if I share the story where I went through that.
26:04
SPEAKER_02: Or Riley, I uh you tore your ACL, and I tell me versus me telling her, well, I've already broken my foot in four spots, I missed my senior year.
26:11
SPEAKER_02: I tell me, would it be helpful if I kind of walk through some some challenges I had?
26:15
SPEAKER_02: So it's like you're asking a question to like bring the other person along so they don't feel like you're again doing the um contempt thing where you're making them feel you're better than them.
26:24
SPEAKER_02: Talking down to them.
26:25
SPEAKER_02: And I didn't realize how powerful that would be.
26:29
SPEAKER_02: I think I kind of found it on accident.
26:30
SPEAKER_02: But it's it's curiosity before story or curiosity before anything.
26:36
SPEAKER_02: And I think your other two see is conflict and communication.
26:41
SPEAKER_02: If you just start projecting and telling, you're gonna create conflict.
26:45
SPEAKER_02: If if if they're not ready for it, like like we should we'll do this and do that, versus um meeting someone where they are, wherever they might be, and that that journey of life, the journey of business, where you're with kids.
26:58
SPEAKER_02: And so, I don't know, you got you got my mind going here, brother, about about thinking about a lot of good, I think, emotional, uh intelligent um skills that hopefully dads we you can take from our conversation today to be that better quarterback of your household.
27:12
SPEAKER_01: And and I I think uh we need to understand that that the the feminine energy and children, the core desire is safety.
27:20
SPEAKER_01: That's a core desire.
27:21
SPEAKER_01: Think of cave woman, cavemen days, like or even now, men are innately bigger, stronger, faster.
27:27
SPEAKER_01: No one can argue that.
27:29
SPEAKER_01: When we walk down the street by ourselves, we're not thinking about is this a safe place to go?
27:36
SPEAKER_01: Walking to the grocery store or to your car, we don't even think.
27:40
SPEAKER_01: Women are looking at every angle possible.
27:44
SPEAKER_01: You know, is is this safe?
27:46
SPEAKER_01: We don't think like that.
27:47
SPEAKER_01: So I think we just need to have the social emotional awareness that um that we're wired differently, we have different focus things, but just stop pausing.
27:57
SPEAKER_01: And if you really want, you know, to be served well.
28:01
SPEAKER_01: One of my favorite things from Black Belt Husband is um this idea that the reward far outweighs the effort.
28:12
SPEAKER_01: Think about that.
28:13
SPEAKER_01: The reward of are you connected?
28:16
SPEAKER_01: Um, does your wife and kids feel seen?
28:19
SPEAKER_01: Are you present?
28:19
SPEAKER_01: Do you know their love languages?
28:21
SPEAKER_01: Do you are you showing up for them?
28:23
SPEAKER_01: You get the return, not that you're doing it for it, but when they're connected, seen, and valued, and are feel like they're getting value surplus.
28:33
SPEAKER_01: I think so many men are takers versus givers.
28:36
SPEAKER_01: And maybe some are overly.
28:38
SPEAKER_01: I have another good buddy, he's overly giving.
28:40
SPEAKER_01: He gives so much, he doesn't he doesn't have honest feedback.
28:44
SPEAKER_01: Like, I feel like I'm giving so much, not getting any in return.
28:48
SPEAKER_01: So I I just um think there needs to be an evolution in this word masculinity.
28:53
SPEAKER_01: And I hate when someone says, you know, I I did uh like a poll three years ago with with women.
28:58
SPEAKER_01: Um if I say the word masculine, what's your first thing you think of?
29:02
SPEAKER_01: Toxic.
29:03
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, wait, really?
29:05
SPEAKER_01: Like that word has been branded.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: I think there's been a lot of bad experiences.
29:10
SPEAKER_01: I think the the feminist movement was was created because of they felt suppressed.
29:14
SPEAKER_01: Now I think the pendulum maybe has swung too far.
29:16
SPEAKER_01: Maybe we gotta find a happy medium where the word I want men to think about in their parenting and relationship, it may you may associate a different meaning, but it's the word meek.
29:28
SPEAKER_01: The Bible says, Blessed are the meek so on hurt the world.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: Meek is not weakness, it's strength under control.
29:35
SPEAKER_01: It's strength under control.
29:37
SPEAKER_01: And I look at Jesus Christ as what I call premium humility, premium, chosen, royalty, God on earth would not settle anything best of like, you know, Father Son, Holy Spirit, holy kingdom.
29:54
SPEAKER_01: But the humility, washing feet, hanging with tax collectors, prostitutes, women were in his squad, that just premium standard, but that just this humility walk of humbleness, vulnerability, like curiosity.
30:08
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's kind of an alignment.
30:10
SPEAKER_01: So I think men just need to understand 2026, how men walk the earth before women really could work, maybe even vote, even get a credit card.
30:24
SPEAKER_01: Women are out, you know.
30:25
SPEAKER_01: So look at the data.
30:27
SPEAKER_01: College, undergrad and graduate students, women are dominating.
30:30
SPEAKER_01: In 10 years, women, it's gonna be two to one in in college universities.
30:35
SPEAKER_01: Women 30 and under are making more money and own more homes than men.
30:40
SPEAKER_01: It's a different ballgame that we're in.
30:42
SPEAKER_01: So if we're not adjusting, if we're not improving, if we're not evolving our EQ skills, you know what it means to be um, you know, uh a leader who can be decisive, who's making decisions, what's best for us, not just what's best for me.
30:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, and being more present in the home versus just earning.
31:03
SPEAKER_01: Providing doesn't work anymore.
31:06
SPEAKER_01: It's not enough in 2026.
31:09
SPEAKER_02: I I don't know, I'm sure you did this for a reason, but I'll say it anyways.
31:12
SPEAKER_02: Today's scripture of the day, Matthew 5.5, blessed are the meek, they shall inherit the earth.
31:17
SPEAKER_01: Let's go.
31:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, literally that was saying I I literally teach curriculum around what I call being a meek warrior.
31:25
SPEAKER_01: My dear friends Michael Pinky, we created a curriculum on M-E-E-Q, masculine energy plus emotional intelligence, meek equals magnetic polarity.
31:36
SPEAKER_01: I just don't think I know for a fact that this is not being taught in church, this is not being taught in schools, yet, you know, you would never jump on an airplane and jump out of parachute if 50 of them would open, 50 of them or percent wouldn't open.
31:51
SPEAKER_01: 50% open, 50% won't.
31:52
SPEAKER_01: You never jump.
31:53
SPEAKER_01: Yet we're going into marriage and fatherhood and marriage with those odds.
31:56
SPEAKER_01: And in Pew research shows Christians are the highest demographic of divorce.
32:02
SPEAKER_01: Why do you think there's a lot of, I don't know, shame, righteousness.
32:08
SPEAKER_01: Um, I think the Bible's got some really good stuff, but it doesn't really teach you.
32:13
SPEAKER_01: I know there's some stuff on, you know, you want to get a modern woman really riled up and say, wife, submit to your husband.
32:22
SPEAKER_01: You know, there's just not a whole lot of coaching on how to be emotionally available.
32:28
SPEAKER_01: But I want I don't want to shy away from masculinity.
32:30
SPEAKER_01: Masculinity is great.
32:32
SPEAKER_01: Strength, protection, leadership, making wise decisions.
32:36
SPEAKER_01: I I promise you, a lot of women would love it if their partner can make an educated decision and she's not carrying what I call the sword and the flower.
32:45
SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of men who've been demasculated because they don't make decisions, or this modern age of like, I don't know, you ever heard she wears the pants?
32:53
SPEAKER_01: I think, in essence, women would love if the man was studied her, making choice of what's best for the family, not just what's best for him, and able to say no every now and then.
33:03
SPEAKER_01: The word no is sacred, but it has to serve a higher purpose that's serving the family, not just him.
33:09
SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
33:11
SPEAKER_02: Love it, dude.
33:12
SPEAKER_02: I wish we had more time because I could talk for two more hours with you, dude.
33:14
SPEAKER_02: We could we could keep going deep in this stuff and hope to help some people.
33:18
SPEAKER_02: Um you are a multi uh producing author.
33:24
SPEAKER_02: This just dropped a lot of knowledge, and we have the new book, The Oz Method, coming out.
33:28
SPEAKER_02: Talk about how people can learn more about it and why should they read it.
33:31
SPEAKER_01: Well, I think this ties into to fatherhood, marriage, to business, friendship.
33:36
SPEAKER_01: Um the content we were talking about will be the next book.
33:42
SPEAKER_01: But the current book is on the psychology of influence.
33:48
SPEAKER_03: Fathers.
33:51
SPEAKER_01: Do you have a 20-year-old, a teenager, 30-year-old, a young, you know, under 10?
33:58
SPEAKER_01: Really, I want to research and uncover and help the reader uncover and understand the art and science of behavior change.
34:05
SPEAKER_01: Why do people change behavior?
34:07
SPEAKER_01: And if you're in a role of leadership, whether it's a household or a hedge fund, what are you doing to lead effectively, lead again with EQ and understanding?
34:19
SPEAKER_01: And it really follows uh inspiration from the old school movie and the book by L.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: Frank Baum in 1900, The Wizard of Oz.
34:27
SPEAKER_01: It's just as a parable, Jesus spoke in parables.
34:31
SPEAKER_01: I I like to coach, teach, and do my you know, trainings, find a parable, find a story, and have things that you pull through.
34:38
SPEAKER_01: Facts tell stories sell.
34:40
SPEAKER_01: And it really was inspired by a sales professional I worked with years ago when I was a national sales trainer who lived in Kansas.
34:46
SPEAKER_01: And nothing against Kansas, but we're just following the story from um the classic uh work, The Wizard of Oz.
34:54
SPEAKER_01: Is Kansas represents like Dorothy was stuck.
34:57
SPEAKER_01: If you watch the Technicolor film, first movie ever in color in uh the late 1930s, is old, outdated, me-centered, eye-centered, selfish selling.
35:08
SPEAKER_01: I call them ass, aggressive, aggressive, selfish selling, where you're not curious, you just have a you know a script you memorize, and you know, you're you're coming from value that's serving you, not the other person.
35:21
SPEAKER_01: So Dorothy represents breaking patterns, getting into the world of the client.
35:25
SPEAKER_01: Oz represents a new colorful world where you're literally she's wearing someone else's shoes.
35:30
SPEAKER_01: She's wearing one of the witch's shoes.
35:33
SPEAKER_01: So it's stepping in someone's shoes and having that curiosity, the empathy, and the scarecrow wanted a brain.
35:39
SPEAKER_01: So I teach mindset and I teach growth mindset and curiosity.
35:42
SPEAKER_01: That's the function of the brain.
35:43
SPEAKER_01: The the Tin Man wanted heart, I teach storytelling, creating emotion.
35:48
SPEAKER_01: And then the the lion wanted courage, you know, vulnerability, executive presence, how to handle no and an objection.
35:55
SPEAKER_01: And the yellow brick road is your habits and your process.
35:58
SPEAKER_01: So that's all those is just great leadership and just teaching through those characters.
36:04
SPEAKER_01: How can people get the book?
36:07
SPEAKER_01: Um, you can pre-order now on Amazon, um, but it comes out July 21st.
36:12
SPEAKER_01: I don't know when this is gonna air, but it'll be available on Audible.
36:16
SPEAKER_01: I like to read.
36:17
SPEAKER_01: Well, there's a thing called Audible.
36:19
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's an audio book.
36:21
SPEAKER_01: You can listen to it, you can pump up the speed to 1.5, 1.7.
36:25
SPEAKER_01: But uh, yeah, I just think it is really for sales, leadership, influence.
36:29
SPEAKER_01: But if you're a speaker, if you're a teacher, if you work with other people, like think about like what happens in someone's brain where they follow you and they agree to make the change.
36:41
SPEAKER_01: That's what this book is gonna help you with.
36:44
SPEAKER_02: I love it, dude.
36:45
SPEAKER_02: So good.
36:45
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna make sure this link in the show notes.
36:47
SPEAKER_02: This episode will come out before July 21st, so you can get the pre-order, but go out and get his book.
36:51
SPEAKER_02: And once you get done reading this book, go read other books.
36:53
SPEAKER_02: Colin is a lifelong learner.
36:55
SPEAKER_02: He's a dude that is obsessed with growing and learning.
36:58
SPEAKER_02: Um, and also, dads, when you come home from work, if you if you went to an office today and you you come in to the door, I want you to look at the dishwasher.
37:06
SPEAKER_02: And if that thing's full, just empty it.
37:09
SPEAKER_02: You go upstairs, take your clothes up, put the sweats on.
37:11
SPEAKER_02: If the laundry, if there's clothes in the dryer, hold it.
37:15
SPEAKER_02: Not your wife's job.
37:16
SPEAKER_02: It's our job, you know?
37:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
37:19
SPEAKER_01: It's it's it's your job.
37:20
SPEAKER_01: Another, maybe uh be a great conversation with your partner is is do a do a chore draft.
37:28
SPEAKER_01: She gets first pick.
37:31
SPEAKER_01: And then you can equal.
37:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like who what what what chore do you want to do?
37:36
SPEAKER_01: I'll give you first pick.
37:37
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'll do this one, then you do that one.
37:39
SPEAKER_01: I I just I want to one of my missions, my missions is is to protect family.
37:44
SPEAKER_01: And you know, seeing we have a great co-parent like Show 50-50, we we collaborate, communicate well, but that's not in the best interest for the kids.
37:53
SPEAKER_01: What's in the best interest for the kids is having a family unit that's collaborative, um, communicating, committed, serving each other.
38:02
SPEAKER_01: So um, I want to you know protect uh family.
38:08
SPEAKER_01: So I think men, we can we can step it up.
38:12
SPEAKER_02: Man, I love you, brother.
38:13
SPEAKER_02: I appreciate you.
38:15
SPEAKER_02: I love you too.
38:16
SPEAKER_01: Thanks for the opportunity.
38:17
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you bet, man.
38:18
SPEAKER_02: Everybody, can I we'll make sure it's easy for Colin to connect.
38:21
SPEAKER_02: We're not even gonna do actually, we're not even gonna do a lightning round because we gotta go.
38:24
SPEAKER_02: And we didn't even do our gratitude.
38:25
SPEAKER_02: So it's just last let me leave this with this last question.
38:28
SPEAKER_02: This is a different episode.
38:29
SPEAKER_02: Tell me, what are you most grateful for as a dad right now?
38:32
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm grateful to be in proximity with my children.
38:36
SPEAKER_01: I just want to be around them.
38:37
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
38:38
SPEAKER_02: Love it.
38:39
SPEAKER_02: Everybody, this is one of those episodes you're gonna want to listen to twice and take notes.
38:44
SPEAKER_02: Um, I have a full page of notes.
38:45
SPEAKER_02: I start with a blank piece of paper because I was curious and I was listening, active listening to Colin.
38:50
SPEAKER_02: So um let you go.
38:52
SPEAKER_02: I know you gotta get to that meeting.
38:53
SPEAKER_02: But uh appreciate you, man.
38:54
SPEAKER_02: And everybody, thank you again for your continued support of the quarterback dad cast, and thank you for always sharing an episode with another dad who can be ready to learn and listen from folks like us.
39:04
SPEAKER_01: Go coups and go wildcats.
39:06
SPEAKER_02: That's right, baby.
39:07
SPEAKER_02: All right, man.