Latest / Wedded Wednesday with Pastor Don & Lisa Smith / Manna for Marriage Part 3 - When Love Is A Competition

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Manna for Marriage Part 3 - When Love Is A Competition · Wedded Wednesday with Pastor Don & Lisa Smith

0:09
Don Smith: What if marriage advice didn't have to feel like a lecture or a counseling session?
0:14
Don Smith: But welcome to a weekly coffee date for your marriage that we're calling Wedded Wednesday.
0:20
Don Smith: I'm Pastor Don Smith along with my wife Lisa, and we are right there in the trenches with you.
0:25
Don Smith: And this podcast takes the pressure off perfect and puts the focus on purposeful.
0:31
Don Smith: Our desire is to give you Bible-based tools to work on your marriage, not just in it.
0:37
Don Smith: Each week we get real, we keep it lighthearted because marriage is hard enough without being stuffy.
0:43
Don Smith: We want to leave you with one practical challenge to actually use before the next podcast.
0:50
Don Smith: Whether you're in a great season or barely holding on, I want you to pull up a chair, get a cup of coffee, and let's be intentional together.
1:01
Don Smith: Thanks for joining us for Wedded Wednesday on the Facebook Live.
1:06
Don Smith: Also on the podcast.
1:08
Don Smith: If you don't listen to the podcast on Wednesday, it's still called Wedded Wednesday, because we do it on Wednesdays.
1:14
Don Smith: So it's always real fun.
1:17
Don Smith: And what we're doing now.
1:18
Lisa Smith: We always do it live.
1:19
Don Smith: Yeah, we always do it live on Facebook as well.
1:21
Don Smith: So there's a little difference between the podcast and one of us likes it better than the other.
1:26
Don Smith: What?
1:26
Don Smith: Which one?
1:27
Lisa Smith: Going live.
1:28
Don Smith: Oh.
1:29
Don Smith: You you don't like live?
1:31
Lisa Smith: You always put me on the spot.
1:32
Don Smith: That's true, and that's the point, right?
1:34
Don Smith: Because that's what makes it so raw.
1:35
Don Smith: That's what the people want.
1:37
Lisa Smith: That's what the people really what you guys want.
1:40
Don Smith: That's what the people want.
1:42
Don Smith: They want raw, they want real, they want emotion from Lisa.
1:48
Don Smith: That's what the people want.
1:49
Lisa Smith: Okay.
1:51
Don Smith: They like you chiming in on the sermons on Sundays more than anything.
1:54
Don Smith: And you know what?
1:55
Don Smith: I think how many people, how many people, including the live, put it right there in the comments.
1:59
Don Smith: Put it right there in the comments.
2:01
Don Smith: How many people have come up to me and just said, we want Lisa to have a mic during the sermons?
2:07
Don Smith: I do not want you to have a mic.
2:09
Don Smith: That's true.
2:10
Don Smith: So we've been in the we've been in the marriage sermon series here on uh uh from Foundation Ministries.
2:16
Don Smith: Excuse me.
2:17
Don Smith: And uh we called it uh manna for marriage, right?
2:21
Don Smith: And it's been good.
2:22
Don Smith: This week was our fourth week.
2:25
Lisa Smith: Okay.
2:25
Don Smith: This was our fourth week.
2:26
Lisa Smith: I can't remember which week it was.
2:27
Don Smith: It was our fourth week.
2:28
Don Smith: And we talked about when love is a competition.
2:31
Don Smith: And um I used Jacob, Leah, and Rachel, which kind of an odd setup because there's two wives in the marriage, you know.
2:40
Don Smith: We don't want to discuss the two wives.
2:42
Don Smith: And uh there's been a crazy announcement on social media this week about some pastor in Ohio who now has two wives.
2:52
Don Smith: I just thought, Lord, what is happening?
2:55
Lisa Smith: Now and I prepared things to be.
2:57
Lisa Smith: I know we always say this, but man, you really gotta read your Bible and you gotta get in there to find out to know what is the truth.
3:06
Lisa Smith: This is crazy because there is so much garbage out there.
3:10
Lisa Smith: And if you're only listening to that, that's crazy.
3:13
Lisa Smith: I was like, how many people that's all they hear is what these people are sharing and aren't in the word to really even know.
3:21
Don Smith: So what is like we've prepared these messages for our marriage sermon series weeks and weeks in advance, right?
3:27
Lisa Smith: It's crazy.
3:28
Don Smith: And then this guy comes out and announces, you know, he's gonna take a second wife, right?
3:32
Don Smith: And the church cheered, and it's supposed to be a Christian church or whatever.
3:37
Don Smith: It's it's hilarious.
3:38
Don Smith: And I've got so many comments because this was the week that we used uh, you know, the marriage of Jacob Leah and Rachel.
3:47
Don Smith: Right.
3:47
Don Smith: And he would, this guy out in Ohio would actually even like uh use this portion of scripture as proof.
3:54
Lisa Smith: But if you know what, you can't handle me.
3:57
Lisa Smith: No, I tell people all the time.
3:58
Don Smith: I I've always confessed this.
4:00
Don Smith: I I can't hardly take care of one wife.
4:02
Don Smith: Why would I want to?
4:03
Don Smith: You know what I'm saying?
4:04
Don Smith: Like it's unbelievable.
4:06
Don Smith: So know that, right?
4:07
Don Smith: That being said, that's a little lightheartedness to get us started today, especially while we're waiting on people to log in.
4:12
Don Smith: And um uh if you're on Wedded Wednesday, sorry that we just went off on a tangent there because it's just been so funny.
4:19
Lisa Smith: I just can't believe it.
4:20
Don Smith: Um anyway, uh so on Sunday, what I did is I've talked about when love is a competition.
4:26
Don Smith: And what I did is I used uh the struggle, the wrestling inside of this story about how yeah, about how love can be a competition.
4:36
Don Smith: Uh, but that happens between husband and wife or things that happen.
4:40
Lisa Smith: So and I used the illustration had the uh just because there are women that are named there doesn't mean that a man can't struggle with all that.
4:49
Don Smith: Yeah.
4:49
Don Smith: I so I used a scale up front, and I put I asked for your wedding ring, and uh boy, everybody's faces were like, what?
4:56
Don Smith: You know, like what is happening here?
4:57
Don Smith: And I put yours on one side, mine on the other, and you know, the scale was always out of balance there.
5:03
Don Smith: And I started talking about this is how marriage can look a lot of times, unequal.
5:08
Don Smith: Unequal love is what we like to call it.
5:11
Don Smith: And so if you're listening today on Wedded Wednesday and you're you're one of those people who've ever felt like um, you know, you you give more, you love more uh than your spouse.
5:23
Don Smith: Sacrifice more, you receive less affection than the other one.
5:26
Don Smith: Uh, I want you to just stay with us here because I'm gonna ask Lisa some questions.
5:29
Don Smith: And again, we're gonna give the people what they want.
5:31
SPEAKER_01: Here we go.
5:32
Don Smith: We're gonna give the people what they want.
5:34
Don Smith: You gotta give the people what they want.
5:36
Don Smith: They want your raw just expressions here.
5:40
Don Smith: Okay.
5:41
Don Smith: Because you don't, you guys don't you need to understand.
5:43
Don Smith: I give her no script.
5:44
Don Smith: And I because and it works so beautiful uh in this way.
5:48
Lisa Smith: So he loves it.
5:49
Don Smith: I I do because I I love your raw answers.
5:53
Don Smith: Um, so if you're on Facebook Live, what I want you to do is if I ask Lisa a question, just put your answer in the comments right there.
6:00
Don Smith: It'd be pretty interesting to see what we come up with there.
6:04
Don Smith: So even if it's not live later on when you're so Jacob serves uh Rachel's dad for seven years because he wants Rachel.
6:11
Don Smith: He he gets tricked, he gets Leah instead on the wedding night, that kind of thing.
6:17
Don Smith: Um, and I made this statement, okay?
6:19
Lisa Smith: Uh you have a lot of questions.
6:21
Don Smith: I yeah, I did make that statement.
6:23
Don Smith: I got lots of questions.
6:24
Don Smith: Uh but that's what reading the Bible, listen, if you're reading your Bible, you should have questions.
6:28
SPEAKER_01: Right.
6:28
Don Smith: That's the point.
6:29
Don Smith: I don't care how long you've been reading the Bible.
6:31
Don Smith: Anybody who tells me they're reading their Bible and they don't have questions, I'm gonna question whether they're reading their Bible.
6:36
Don Smith: And that's just a true statement, okay?
6:38
Don Smith: Uh now, so Lisa, when you heard the line that I said in the sermon, I said Leah had a husband but no love, and Rachel had love but no peace.
6:47
Don Smith: What was your first reaction?
6:48
Don Smith: Now, you need to understand this, uh, Wedded Wednesday peeps.
6:52
Don Smith: Uh Lisa gets no preview to the sermons either.
6:55
Lisa Smith: No, I don't.
6:56
Don Smith: She doesn't.
6:57
Don Smith: Uh I mean, if she asks, I don't keep it from her, but no.
7:00
Don Smith: Uh she comes in a Sunday morning just like you do.
7:03
Don Smith: Unless, you know, we've prayed about it and those type of things, but she really doesn't get a preview of the final thing.
7:08
Don Smith: No.
7:08
Lisa Smith: So you heard Sometimes I don't know the title.
7:11
Don Smith: Yeah, so so you heard me make this statement.
7:13
Don Smith: Leah had a husband but no love.
7:15
Don Smith: Rachel had love but no peace.
7:17
Don Smith: What's your first reaction?
7:20
Lisa Smith: They're looking for those things in all the wrong places?
7:22
Lisa Smith: There you go.
7:23
Lisa Smith: Looking for love.
7:24
Lisa Smith: Oh no, she's singing now.
7:30
Lisa Smith: So good.
7:31
Lisa Smith: Um, you can't uh I think they're trying to find their satisfaction in a person or situation, and you can't.
7:43
Don Smith: Because your spouse wasn't designed for that.
7:45
Don Smith: No.
7:46
Don Smith: It doesn't mean they're not a part of it.
7:47
Lisa Smith: Right.
7:48
Don Smith: But they're not fully designed to meet those kinds of needs.
7:52
Lisa Smith: No, and I think too many people have too many expectations that are not even doable.
8:00
Don Smith: And we use this a lot, we use this a lot in premarital counseling, and we use it some in in care crisis marriage counseling.
8:07
Don Smith: Well, expectations, everybody should do those.
8:09
Don Smith: Uh, but uh the half and whole.
8:10
Don Smith: You know, you hear people talk all the time, oh well, she completes me, or he complete, or he's my better half, she's my better half.
8:16
Don Smith: That is not a biblical idea.
8:18
Lisa Smith: Now, do we say that in joking sometimes?
8:20
Don Smith: Yes, but some people take that very literally.
8:22
Don Smith: Very literally.
8:23
Don Smith: And what you do now is you come into a situation where you're incomplete.
8:28
Don Smith: Okay, and now you're frustrated at your spouse because they didn't fully complete you.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: Right.
8:32
Don Smith: So God never takes two halves to make one whole, He brings two whole pieces together to make a greater whole.
8:40
Don Smith: That's why the Lord says the two shall become one.
8:43
Don Smith: It's a it's a greater whole.
8:44
Don Smith: He didn't say two halves.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: Right.
8:46
Don Smith: He said two complete things shall come together and become one, a greater whole.
8:50
Don Smith: It's an interesting thing.
8:52
Don Smith: And I think that people struggle that way.
8:54
Don Smith: So I made that statement because I wanted people to realize that it's not wrong to want to be loved by your spouse.
9:00
Don Smith: It's not wrong to want to have peace in your marriage.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: No, it's not.
9:03
Don Smith: But ultimately you have to realize where those two things come from first.
9:07
SPEAKER_01: Right.
9:07
Don Smith: If you don't have, if you don't know you're loved by the Lord, you're never gonna experience true love from your spouse.
9:12
Lisa Smith: That's correct.
9:13
Don Smith: If you don't have peace in your relationship with the Lord, you're probably not gonna have You're not gonna have peace in your marriage.
9:19
Don Smith: And that's so good.
9:20
Don Smith: And these are all things that, like, man, we've got to get a sermon in in about 35 minutes on Sundays.
9:26
Don Smith: Like, I'm not hard for you.
9:28
Don Smith: It is super hard because there's things like that that I would just like to elaborate on that you just don't have time to do.
9:34
Don Smith: And so these moments give us that opportunity.
9:37
Don Smith: Um, okay, I I think that was great, right?
9:40
Don Smith: Okay.
9:40
Don Smith: Thanks.
9:41
Don Smith: See, see how well she does it this just like right off the cuff.
9:44
Don Smith: So I said this too.
9:45
Don Smith: Peace isn't the absence of conflict, it's the presence of safety.
9:50
Don Smith: Uh what does emotional safety look like in marriage to you?
9:53
Don Smith: Now, you and I have been married almost 35 years.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:57
Don Smith: Um, and I know that there are probably times, even though there's never been any abuse or that kind of stuff in our marriage, but there's probably been times in our marriage where like emotional safety was not like something we either one of us experienced in that moment.
10:09
Don Smith: Like, it's common, I think, for married people to probably experience seasons where they don't feel very safe emotionally.
10:17
Don Smith: What do you what do you think it looks like?
10:19
Lisa Smith: When did you not feel safe with me emotionally?
10:23
Don Smith: Have you married you guys marry a prophet?
10:28
Don Smith: Especially if you're a pastor.
10:30
Don Smith: Notice how he's avoiding if you're a pastorally gifted and you marry a prophet, uh Yeah, I would say that there have been times that I haven't felt uh emotionally safe.
10:42
Lisa Smith: And for me, I think emotional safety is feeling the freedom to share or express um concern or an issue without you taking and and I know it is personal because it is your marriage, and we do take it personal.
11:01
Lisa Smith: But I think before you hear me you react or shut me down.
11:08
Don Smith: Okay.
11:08
Lisa Smith: And um to me that doesn't feel emotionally safe because I should be if anybody I should be able to go to you and share everything with you.
11:20
Lisa Smith: I don't do I have a couple of close female friends.
11:25
Lisa Smith: Yes, I do, but I really shouldn't have to go to them before I talk to you.
11:30
Don Smith: That's good.
11:31
Lisa Smith: That's no spouse should do that.
11:33
Don Smith: We're not saying you shouldn't have friends.
11:35
Lisa Smith: We actually believe that it's healthy to have a lot of people.
11:38
Lisa Smith: I I do think some things need to be hashed out with you before I speak with my friends about it because I don't want to portray you in a bad way to them because you won't listen to it.
11:50
Lisa Smith: Let's say that.
11:50
Don Smith: Even your closest friends, there are certain things that don't belong in their ears.
11:57
SPEAKER_01: Right.
11:58
Don Smith: I'm not saying we should hide or live in secret, I'm just saying there's emotionally safe.
12:03
Don Smith: I mean, I I should be able to come to you.
12:04
Lisa Smith: You shouldn't have to come to me and share our hearts and possibly turn my friend against you.
12:11
Don Smith: Yeah.
12:12
Don Smith: Because you plant a seed of bitterness in your heart.
12:14
Lisa Smith: Because all of a sudden they're carrying an offense or too many for me.
12:18
Don Smith: Too many married people.
12:19
Lisa Smith: And I don't want that.
12:20
Lisa Smith: I want my friends to enjoy being around you and love you, you know, like not like I love you, but you know what I mean.
12:29
Don Smith: I think that so many, there's a lot of married people who love each other.
12:33
Don Smith: I think generally love each other.
12:35
Lisa Smith: But they have a hard time listening to one another.
12:39
Don Smith: They don't have an emotional safe place in their marriage.
12:43
Don Smith: And that can be very dangerous, and that can make someone feel uh, you know, like they're they can't be complete uh with each other.
12:51
Don Smith: Like that, you know, I can't share every bit of who I am in those moments.
12:55
Don Smith: And I remember all the things.
12:58
Don Smith: And maybe we'll just share this.
12:59
Don Smith: It's in Lisa's testimony too, if you want to hear it.
13:01
Don Smith: Uh uh, hey, in season 12 of Talk About It, we're gonna interview Lisa again.
13:05
SPEAKER_01: Again.
13:06
Don Smith: And uh it's gonna be really good.
13:08
Don Smith: But in our forgiveness series on the Talk About It podcast, you shared your testimony.
13:12
Don Smith: Well, we put a recording up of when you had shared it, and then we followed that up with 40 years later, and then we followed that up with an interview.
13:19
Don Smith: Uh, and it was really good.
13:20
Don Smith: But we tell a story about one evening where like you had an emotional flashback.
13:25
Don Smith: And um it was just one of those moments for us that I think it was Holy Spirit inspired, uh, even though it was not the prettiest thing in the world.
13:33
Don Smith: But it was necessary where you finally found out that, hey, I can be safe here.
13:38
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
13:39
Don Smith: Um and uh, you know, I uh don't look at me as any hero because I had no idea what what to do in that moment except for pray and be led by the Spirit.
13:47
Don Smith: And God just met us in that and it was wonderful.
13:49
Don Smith: If you want to hear that story, you gotta listen to the to the testimony.
13:53
Lisa Smith: I could be safe to even tell you right now I I don't want you to hug me.
14:01
Lisa Smith: Right now, I I can't.
14:03
Lisa Smith: Um I'm not there physically and mentally, I'm not in this position right now.
14:11
Lisa Smith: And you honored that instead of being, well, you're my wife, you said, I want to hug you, I want to do this or that.
14:18
Lisa Smith: You know, you always honored it and you allowed me to go through my process with the Lord for healing, which did include you, sure, you know, but you are sensitive to those things to where I could feel emotionally safe.
14:35
Don Smith: So I think that that's that's one of those things that we we want to challenge couples on.
14:40
Don Smith: Uh, you know, rate your emotional safety inside of your marriage and then talk to each other about it.
14:44
Don Smith: As a matter of fact, that was one of the call to actions at the end of the sermon.
14:47
Lisa Smith: Here's the thing though, when you talk to your spouse about it, make sure your heart posture is correct.
14:53
Lisa Smith: Yeah, it's probably not a time to talk to him when you're angry or it is not about yelling, it is not about finger pointing, it is about just I need to express something to you.
15:05
Don Smith: That's really good.
15:06
Lisa Smith: You know?
15:07
Don Smith: So Leah, uh, she keeps having sons, uh, and she names the sons in such a way that sh it it reflects that she's trying to earn uh something from her husband uh in that sense.
15:19
Don Smith: And so uh I I use that illustration in a way that you know, husband wives often do things to try and earn love for each other.
15:27
Don Smith: Like, you know, hey, I wash the dishes, so or I cook dinner, so I took the garbage out without being asked, so you know what I'm saying?
15:37
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
15:37
Don Smith: Um We used to do that.
15:39
Lisa Smith: We barter about the garbage.
15:42
Lisa Smith: Or or if he did cook a dinner.
15:48
Lisa Smith: Well, I cook dinner.
15:49
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
15:51
Lisa Smith: Okay.
15:51
Don Smith: Yeah.
15:52
Don Smith: Why do you think people why do you think married people try to earn love from their spouse?
16:02
Lisa Smith: Maybe because they don't realize that they're loved by the Lord.
16:07
Lisa Smith: I mean we're trying to fill a void in our in our own heart.
16:15
Lisa Smith: Something's missing and something like that that we keep on thinking that we can buy love or something.
16:23
Lisa Smith: You know, like like even with gifts.
16:24
Lisa Smith: Let's let's say, well, I bought you a car.
16:27
Lisa Smith: Why aren't you happy?
16:29
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
16:29
Lisa Smith: Why don't you feel love?
16:30
Lisa Smith: Oh, I bought you a house.
16:32
Lisa Smith: I made that statement.
16:33
Lisa Smith: Why aren't you happy?
16:34
Lisa Smith: Early on in our marriage.
16:36
Don Smith: Now you're struggling six months into our marriage.
16:37
Don Smith: We had a house, we had two cars, all those things.
16:39
Don Smith: I actually made that statement, didn't I?
16:42
Don Smith: Yes.
16:42
Don Smith: I was like, you got a house, you got a car.
16:44
Lisa Smith: What's your problem?
16:45
Don Smith: What's your problem?
16:46
Don Smith: You know what I'm saying?
16:47
Don Smith: I see, I literally.
16:50
Lisa Smith: And I didn't feel loved at that time, but that was because I was going on my my journey of healing and things got projected.
17:00
Don Smith: Even as Christians, and if you're listening, you're not a Christian, uh, we're glad you're here.
17:04
Don Smith: Um, but we're we're obviously speaking from a faith-based perspective.
17:08
Lisa Smith: Because that's what we know, because we knew life and marriage before Christ.
17:13
Lisa Smith: Yes.
17:14
Lisa Smith: And then we know life and marriage after Christ.
17:17
Don Smith: We we forget that relational connection was given to us by the Lord and meant to be something that's birthed out of rest.
17:26
Don Smith: And so the hardest thing to do.
17:30
Don Smith: Uh, we feel like we've got to earn everything, especially in the Western world.
17:33
Don Smith: Got to work for it, gotta work for it, gotta work for it.
17:34
Don Smith: I think that's why the scripture speaks so much against, hey, make sure that you understand that grace is not faith-based, uh not works-based, it's faith-based.
17:44
Don Smith: And so, in your marriage, right, I'm not saying you there aren't things you should and you should do, okay?
17:49
Don Smith: Uh, that's out of honor and responsibility.
17:51
Don Smith: What I'm saying is, though, I think that husbands and wives try to earn love because they forget that God gives us our marriage as a place of rest.
17:59
SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
18:00
Don Smith: Relationally.
18:02
Don Smith: And we we need to learn to live in that.
18:05
Lisa Smith: Marriages are struggling, and there is no rest in the world.
18:08
Lisa Smith: There's no rest in it.
18:10
Don Smith: If if we talk to crisis marriage people, that's one of the things, right?
18:13
Don Smith: The reason they're sitting on our couch is because they're tired.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
18:16
Don Smith: They've been striving.
18:16
Don Smith: They've been, and we, and one of the things that we try to say is, why can't you just rest in your relationship with each other?
18:21
Don Smith: Yeah.
18:22
Don Smith: You know, and it's this works-based, it's this no safe place, it's all the things we talked about in this message.
18:28
Don Smith: And so if you didn't hear the message, go on Fern Foundation Ministries YouTube page and listen to when love is a comparison.
18:34
Don Smith: Uh it's a competition, I'm sorry.
18:37
Don Smith: And uh it's there.
18:38
Don Smith: All right.
18:39
Don Smith: So now, uh Rachel was the favorite.
18:42
Don Smith: Leah was unloved, okay?
18:43
Lisa Smith: Okay.
18:44
Lisa Smith: Uh I have to beg to yeah, he loved her all right.
18:48
Lisa Smith: She had kids.
18:51
Don Smith: Well, uh he he had benefits.
18:54
Don Smith: He had benefits with Leah.
18:56
Lisa Smith: Well, there's some kind of form of love.
18:58
Don Smith: Yeah.
18:58
Don Smith: Um, so what so we can I use that though in terms of marriage.
19:02
Don Smith: Like there are some things like in our lives that we really like.
19:08
Don Smith: You know what I'm saying?
19:09
Don Smith: Like something we really enjoy doing.
19:12
Don Smith: Uh, there could be hobbies.
19:13
SPEAKER_01: Right.
19:14
Don Smith: Uh, there could be things in your life that you you really, really like.
19:18
Don Smith: Okay, and and it can it can rob your spouse of something without you even realizing it.
19:24
Don Smith: It could be uh a hobby, it could be an addiction, it could be an attitude, it could be whatever.
19:31
Don Smith: Uh and so when a favorite pops up in a marriage, now there is competition.
19:37
Lisa Smith: Um like we're getting close to hunting season.
19:41
Lisa Smith: And I know that some women in the church and some women outside say, Well, I'll be a widow for the next couple of months.
19:49
Lisa Smith: Couple of months because it's hunting season.
19:51
Don Smith: He's gonna be gone every day.
19:52
Don Smith: Yeah, yeah.
19:53
Don Smith: Um, and so I made this statement.
19:56
Don Smith: I said, Why do why do you think being the favorite, being the one who is loved?
20:00
Don Smith: So let's say you finally achieve the fact where now you're you feel like you're higher on the scale than that thing your spouse loves, but you still don't have peace.
20:09
Don Smith: Why do you think that is?
20:11
Lisa Smith: Because maybe you're afraid of going back below 100%.
20:15
Don Smith: The competition never goes away.
20:16
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
20:17
Don Smith: Because now you gotta strive to stay there.
20:18
Lisa Smith: Because now I gotta work for his attention.
20:21
Don Smith: If you have to strive to get there, you're gonna have to strive to stay there.
20:25
Don Smith: Right.
20:26
Don Smith: And so now you live in fear of losing the top spot instead of rest.
20:33
Lisa Smith: Right.
20:33
Don Smith: And that thing.
20:34
Don Smith: And I think that that's what happens.
20:35
Lisa Smith: So you keep on trying to barter for that position.
20:37
Don Smith: You're bartering, bartering, bartering.
20:39
Don Smith: So unequal love is an interesting thing.
20:41
Don Smith: Uh brought it brought us back to the scales.
20:44
Don Smith: Um, it always produces competition.
20:47
Don Smith: So I made this statement towards the end of the sermon.
20:50
Don Smith: I said, you can't uh you can't fill spiritual voids in marriage with natural achievements.
20:58
Don Smith: Um careers.
20:59
SPEAKER_01: Right.
21:00
Don Smith: Looks.
21:01
Don Smith: I I think I've met spouses all the time who feel like, well, my spouse would be more attracted to me if I didn't weigh as much or if I had a certain body type, especially women.
21:10
Lisa Smith: If I got a nose job, if I got an upper job, you know.
21:14
Don Smith: Is that what we're calling it now?
21:16
Lisa Smith: Well, I didn't know if I could say that word.
21:19
Lisa Smith: It's our podcast.
21:20
Lisa Smith: We say what we want to.
21:21
Lisa Smith: Yeah, but it's on Facebook.
21:22
Lisa Smith: Kids could hear it.
21:23
Don Smith: Uh, you know, you know what I mean, people.
21:25
Don Smith: There's that looks, okay?
21:26
Don Smith: So even dudes will be like, okay, I gotta get in the gym, so now I'll be attractive.
21:30
Don Smith: Uh those type of things.
21:32
Don Smith: Or, you know, if I'm gonna be spiritual, I gotta serve more than my spouse at church.
21:35
Lisa Smith: We we judge ourselves by the way we feel our spouses treat us or put us on a scale.
21:42
Don Smith: Okay, great.
21:43
Don Smith: Here you go.
21:44
Lisa Smith: Of you know, one to ten.
21:46
Don Smith: Share with me.
21:46
Don Smith: Give me some thoughts in your mind.
21:48
Don Smith: Where do you see husbands and wives actually competing with each other?
21:57
Lisa Smith: Oh, that's hard.
21:59
Lisa Smith: Um Maybe.
22:00
Lisa Smith: Yeah, gifts.
22:02
Lisa Smith: The car, the house, this, that, um intimacy.
22:07
Lisa Smith: If I do this this many times, then maybe they will finally feel it.
22:13
Lisa Smith: Okay.
22:14
Lisa Smith: Love.
22:14
Lisa Smith: Love.
22:14
Lisa Smith: They'll feel love.
22:15
Lisa Smith: You know, or yeah.
22:18
Lisa Smith: I don't know.
22:19
Lisa Smith: I think we need to outdo each other in serving each other.
22:22
Don Smith: There you go, right there.
22:23
Don Smith: I actually wrote that down.
22:24
Don Smith: If we're gonna if we're gonna be in competition with each other, the only competition that should be in your marriage is the competition over servanthood.
22:31
Lisa Smith: I think so.
22:32
Lisa Smith: And like how how can I outserve my spouse and express love to them, express that they have safety in in this relationship.
22:43
Lisa Smith: If anything, I think we should all be doing that.
22:46
Don Smith: I love it.
22:46
Don Smith: That's so good.
22:47
Don Smith: All right, so it doesn't have anything to do with gifts.
22:50
Don Smith: We're gonna get close to the end and money.
22:52
Don Smith: No, it has nothing to do with that.
22:53
Lisa Smith: I think that it's it's as easy as making a glass of tea when your spouse walks in the door.
22:59
Don Smith: Yeah, I mean, like taking the time to do something uh that normally you wouldn't do.
23:05
Don Smith: Uh a can of Mountain Dew back in the day when I liked Mountain Dew.
23:09
Don Smith: Yeah, at least you love Mountain Dew and you know, coming home from work.
23:12
Don Smith: I had about a 45-minute ride home from work.
23:15
Don Smith: We only had one car.
23:16
Don Smith: I had about a 45-minute ride home from work, and it didn't have an air conditioner in it in Florida.
23:22
Don Smith: And so it was hot.
23:23
Don Smith: It was hot.
23:24
Don Smith: And uh I would stop to get gas.
23:27
Don Smith: You're home alone all day long, no car, nowhere to go anywhere.
23:30
Don Smith: You love Mountain Dew at that time, and I stopped to get gas.
23:34
Don Smith: And uh at that time you could buy a can of Pepsi or Mountain Dew.
23:39
Don Smith: Yeah, can't out of the vending machine for like 35 cents.
23:43
Don Smith: That was crazy, right?
23:44
Don Smith: You remember that?
23:45
Don Smith: Yeah, 35 cents.
23:46
Don Smith: And uh, so I thought, well, I'll get I'll get me a uh a Pepsi for the ride, a cold Pepsi for the ride, because I don't have an air conditioner in my car.
23:54
Don Smith: And I thought, well, I should, I'll get Lisa a Mountain Dew, but it'll be hot by the time I get home.
24:00
Don Smith: So I almost didn't buy it, but I did.
24:03
Don Smith: I thought, well, you know, there's ice, you can put some ice on it when we got home.
24:06
Don Smith: Listen, way to Winston Peeps, you gotta understand what happened here.
24:09
Don Smith: I walked into that house, and you would have thought that I'd brought in a 10-pound brick of gold.
24:15
Don Smith: Because it was just a can of Mountain Dew.
24:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:18
Don Smith: And I and she just went crazy over this, like, and my wife's not a big emotional reaction people person over gifts.
24:24
Don Smith: And she was just like, I like over the top over this 35 cent, and she, and I was like, it was a 35 cent can of Mountain Dew.
24:32
Don Smith: I'll never forget what you said to me.
24:34
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
24:34
Don Smith: You said it has nothing to do with the Mountain Dew, it has everything to do with the fact that you thought about me.
24:39
Lisa Smith: Right.
24:40
Lisa Smith: And the thing is, I knew you were exhausted after a long day and then a long drive, but yet somewhere in there, I was a thought.
24:48
Lisa Smith: You gotta think, this is pre-cell phone days.
24:50
Lisa Smith: Yeah, no, and this was before shipped or instable.
24:54
Lisa Smith: Yeah, there's no texting or anything.
24:55
Lisa Smith: So there is none of that communicating like that.
24:58
Lisa Smith: If he had to use the phone, he had to go up to the office and use the phone to call me.
25:03
Lisa Smith: So it wasn't like calls and texting was a thing.
25:06
Lisa Smith: No.
25:07
Lisa Smith: So I wouldn't hear from him all day long.
25:10
Lisa Smith: You know, so yeah, that made me feel special at that moment.
25:14
Don Smith: Here's another example.
25:16
Lisa Smith: Uh you And I know he didn't want something from me.
25:19
Lisa Smith: No, it was just here, I thought about you.
25:21
Lisa Smith: You know, but you know when someone wants to do it.
25:24
Don Smith: For sure.
25:24
Don Smith: When you're doing things, or here's another example, right?
25:27
Don Smith: Like I usually I usually schedule and plan all of our vacation time together because my wife doesn't like to spend money.
25:34
Lisa Smith: I I don't and look in that stuff.
25:37
Lisa Smith: She can't push a button, give them a shot.
25:38
Don Smith: She just can't pull the trigger, you know, because like she'll know what she wants to do, but she just can't, she can't pull the trigger.
25:43
Don Smith: So all our life, I've usually done that.
25:45
Don Smith: And here uh last weekend, you had scheduled this whole weekend away.
25:49
Don Smith: You did all the planning, you did all the things, and you're just like, hey, we're going to bought tickets for things.
25:54
Don Smith: I was like, whoa.
25:55
Don Smith: You and she was like, I hope it's okay.
25:57
Don Smith: And I was like, no, if you planned it, I'm there, right?
25:59
Don Smith: Like, and then even the day we were leaving, like I on purpose hadn't asked about details.
26:04
Don Smith: Yep, because I was like, nope, she put the work in.
26:07
Don Smith: I'm just along.
26:07
Don Smith: She was like, Well, don't you want to know?
26:09
Don Smith: I was like, no, not really.
26:10
Don Smith: I'm just along for the ride.
26:11
Don Smith: I'm I'm just enjoying.
26:13
Don Smith: Yeah, I mean, I drove, we put it in maps, but still uh about three hours away, and it was a great time.
26:18
Don Smith: And I and I enjoyed the week and I thought, wow, this doesn't, but so Lisa did something that wasn't normal in that moment.
26:24
Don Smith: And so it wasn't for me, it wasn't even the week in a way, as much as, hey, I know how much work it took for her to do this.
26:34
Lisa Smith: Uh, because and in the back of my mind, I was like, oh gosh, what what else are we gonna do?
26:38
Lisa Smith: We're gonna spend this much for her.
26:40
Lisa Smith: It's all right, it's all right.
26:41
Lisa Smith: Just okay.
26:42
Lisa Smith: Just roll with it.
26:44
Don Smith: All right, let's close this way, all right.
26:46
Don Smith: Beyond the obvious ones, like insecurity, let's talk about insecurity.
26:52
Don Smith: Um, you know, it it never stays quiet.
26:54
Don Smith: No, uh, we we think it'll come out eventually.
26:57
Don Smith: Why?
26:57
Don Smith: Because it always looks for validation.
26:59
Don Smith: That's what insecurity does.
27:00
Don Smith: And it's gonna find it in in the places that normally would destroy your marriage if you don't pay attention to it.
27:05
SPEAKER_01: Right.
27:06
Don Smith: Insecurity.
27:07
Don Smith: And um, so people look for validation in a lot of ways uh be to deal with their insecurities.
27:15
Don Smith: Uh work, uh, affairs, married people, um, children, kids, uh, sports, that hobbies, right?
27:23
Don Smith: We look for validation in all kinds of places.
27:26
Lisa Smith: Uh and you want to go where you're celebrated, not tolerant.
27:29
Don Smith: Yeah, member cheers.
27:30
Don Smith: Yeah.
27:31
Don Smith: That's the theme song, right?
27:32
Lisa Smith: We walked into a place and they didn't holler our name.
27:36
Don Smith: Uh what what beyond the obvious ones, are there any quiet pla quieter places that you see spouses going to to look for validation?
27:50
Don Smith: I mean, one comes to my mind.
27:52
Don Smith: The internet.
27:53
SPEAKER_01: Quiet places.
27:54
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
27:55
Don Smith: Secret places.
27:56
SPEAKER_01: Oh, secret.
27:57
Don Smith: Secret quiet places.
27:59
Don Smith: For men it might be pornography.
28:02
Don Smith: Um for women it might be an emotional affair.
28:09
Lisa Smith: It it can be I don't know, soap operas are big, but soap operas used to be a thing.
28:14
Lisa Smith: I think women would escape to, which I like that word, escape.
28:19
Lisa Smith: Weird.
28:20
Lisa Smith: Um food.
28:22
Lisa Smith: Oh, there's there's one um because there was a time if you weren't home, I would eat like a lot of stuff.
28:33
Lisa Smith: And I would just I think I just turned to food for emotional support.
28:37
Don Smith: That's good.
28:38
Lisa Smith: And uh struggling with physical issues and then, you know, you working a lot and stuff, and then I was just always alone.
28:50
Lisa Smith: You know, and so I would secretly eat all these bad things.
28:54
Don Smith: You literally told me yesterday, you're like, look, you're gonna be at the church till nine o'clock every night this week.
28:59
Don Smith: Could you please just come home?
29:01
Lisa Smith: Yeah, I did tell her.
29:02
Don Smith: She said that yesterday.
29:03
Don Smith: It was like five o'clock or something.
29:05
Lisa Smith: Um I know you were waiting because I wanted to be at something.
29:09
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
29:09
Lisa Smith: And I was just like, you know what?
29:11
Lisa Smith: I can go back up later by myself.
29:14
Lisa Smith: You've been there, and people understand you've been.
29:16
Don Smith: And you know you don't have to be at a I I left everything right where it sat.
29:19
Don Smith: And I just got up and walked out.
29:21
Don Smith: I came home.
29:22
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
29:22
Don Smith: Yeah.
29:23
Lisa Smith: But you know, when I ask you the night before, are you coming home?
29:25
Lisa Smith: And you say, Yeah, I'm thinking about three at least, but not five.
29:29
Don Smith: But all right, I closed with this, and this way we want to close today.
29:34
Don Smith: I said, um, um Leah finally has a fourth son, and she she names him Judah, which means praise.
29:43
Don Smith: And uh she actually says, Now I will praise the Lord.
29:46
Don Smith: Um what does it what do you think that it looks like practically when uh we stop asking our spouse to be God?
29:55
Lisa Smith: What does it I think you will have peace?
29:58
Don Smith: Better communication.
30:00
Lisa Smith: Uh that might not change on on the other side, but I think for you as an individual, you will be able to manage that better.
30:12
Don Smith: That's great.
30:14
Lisa Smith: You know, learn how to communicate a little bit better, or learn how to step back when you need to step back instead of pushing the spouse.
30:22
Lisa Smith: And then I think you will learn to serve your spouse in a way that eventually will win your spouse's heart over to also um receiving the Lord's peace in all of it.
30:37
Lisa Smith: And I think that's the hardest part is being the person that does that is because you want your spouse to do it.
30:46
Lisa Smith: But guess what?
30:47
Lisa Smith: We ourselves have to do it.
30:48
Lisa Smith: Yeah, whether our spouse does it or not, because we want we want peace.
30:53
Don Smith: I like it.
30:53
Lisa Smith: And I have to do what the Lord asks me to do.
30:56
Don Smith: See what happens when we give the people what they want.
31:06
Don Smith: Oh no, they trust me.
31:08
Don Smith: Trust me.
31:08
Lisa Smith: Now there's comparison.
31:09
Don Smith: Um, yep, there you go.
31:11
Don Smith: So uh thanks for joining us today on Wedded Wednesday.
31:14
Don Smith: We just wanted to recap Sunday.
31:15
Don Smith: Again, if you did not hear the Sunday message, or if you haven't heard any of them, okay, you're listening to Wedded Wednesday podcast, uh, you can go to Firm Foundation Ministries of Centerville, um, our YouTube page.
31:26
Don Smith: You can see them.
31:26
Don Smith: They're all there.
31:27
Don Smith: Uh, you know, the 30, 35 minute messages right now.
31:30
Don Smith: And uh get caught up.
31:32
Don Smith: Uh check on this.
31:33
Lisa Smith: Uh in there we tell you how it's even has notes for things that you might not um have made the sure because of that.
31:40
Don Smith: And the devotional as well.
31:42
Don Smith: If you haven't signed up for the devotional, you need to get that every morning.
31:45
Don Smith: You'll get one that points you back to the message on Sunday.
31:47
Lisa Smith: Start from the beginning.
31:48
Don Smith: This coming Sunday is week number five.
31:51
Don Smith: Uh it's gonna be really good.
31:52
Don Smith: You're not gonna want to miss that as well.
31:54
Don Smith: So we're looking forward to it.
31:56
Don Smith: Hey, we want to thank everybody for joining us today.
31:58
Don Smith: Can we pray for them?
31:59
Don Smith: Sure.
31:59
Don Smith: All right, Father, we bring you every Leah.
32:03
Don Smith: That's the one who feels unloved in their own marriage.
32:06
Don Smith: We bring you every Rachel, the one who has uh affection but no peace in the marriage.
32:11
Don Smith: And we just want to break the competition.
32:15
Don Smith: We want to ask you to heal the comparison.
32:18
Don Smith: And we want to ask you, Lord, to teach us that emotional safety is not earned, it's given.
32:23
Don Smith: And forgive us for looking to our spouse to be our savior.
32:26
Don Smith: That's a void only you can feel, Jesus.
32:30
Lisa Smith: Father God, I just thank you for everyone that's listening.
32:33
Lisa Smith: And Lord, I pray right now, Lord, that you become their security, that you become their peace, that they will be able to learn to lean on you for wisdom, for love and security.
32:48
Lisa Smith: And Lord, that they'll be able to see their spouses through your eyes.
32:51
Lisa Smith: I know I always say that, but I think there is a shift in us where we can see them with your eyes, Father.
33:00
Lisa Smith: Because then we have a compassion for them, and we can have more grace and mercy toward them, Father God.
33:07
Lisa Smith: And I pray, Lord Jesus, that they can feel your presence with them, Lord, as you use them to serve their spouse and to bring unity in their homes, Father God.
33:17
Lisa Smith: And I just thank you for these things in Jesus' name.
33:20
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
33:20
Don Smith: And we just want to declare over you as married people that learn to find your worth and not much, and not how much you're loved by a person, but in how much you're loved by God.
33:31
Don Smith: It'll bring some peace into your marriage.
33:32
Don Smith: Hey, if it we appreciate you guys, if you are watching on Facebook Live, do us a favor.
33:38
Don Smith: We need you to like it and share it.
33:40
Don Smith: Right now.
33:41
Don Smith: It's so easy.
33:42
Don Smith: Like it and share it.
33:43
Don Smith: Facebook only keeps the Facebook lives for 30 days, uh, but that'll help us point everybody towards the Wedded Wednesday podcast, which will be there permanently.
33:51
Don Smith: You can get that on Spotify, Apple, Pod, wherever you get your pod at.
33:57
Don Smith: Is that what it's called?
33:57
Don Smith: Yeah, it's pod, I think, but wherever it is, how much you'll find it there, iHeartRadio, all the podcast platforms.
34:04
Don Smith: Uh Wedded Wednesday with Pastor Donna Lisa is there.
34:06
Don Smith: Uh, we love to see you.
34:08
Don Smith: Uh also like and share, review that.
34:11
Don Smith: It'll be really good.
34:12
Don Smith: Yeah.
34:12
Don Smith: Uh, and wherever you get your podcast, make sure, okay, that you give us a rating.
34:17
Don Smith: Uh, that all super, super, super help us be in a blessing, right?
34:22
Don Smith: Uh also uh listen, the new book came out this week.
34:26
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
34:26
Don Smith: Uh is it?
34:27
Don Smith: With Toll Abandon.
34:28
Don Smith: It's over there.
34:28
Don Smith: You want to go get it quick?
34:30
Don Smith: Uh walk over there real quick, uh, and then we'll close out the uh the Facebook Live here.
34:36
Don Smith: Uh yeah, if you want to, Amazon, wherever you you go, there's the book.
34:40
Don Smith: Uh, you know, you can get it on Amazon.com with Tollabandon.
34:44
Don Smith: Make sure you put in Don M.
34:46
Don Smith: Smith.
34:47
Don Smith: Uh, there are a lot of titles with Total Abandoned, but none by any other author but me.
34:52
Don Smith: Hello, somebody.
34:53
Don Smith: There you go.
34:54
Don Smith: Uh, and it's selling really good this week.
34:56
Don Smith: So we are super blessed at the support uh that's there.
35:00
Don Smith: Maybe I should have just left it like that, the whole podcast, right?
35:03
Don Smith: All right, that would have been great.
35:04
Don Smith: Uh, but if you're listening on the podcast, uh, you're not seeing it on Facebook Live, you can go to Amazon.com and you can get yourself a copy of it.
35:12
Don Smith: It's all about discipleship and my heart for that.
35:15
Don Smith: Amen.
35:15
Don Smith: Hey, God bless you.
35:16
Don Smith: We love you.
35:17
Don Smith: Thanks for being here, and we will see you next week.