Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / HYSTERICAL BONDING: Why you want them MORE after they hurt you. 💔

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HYSTERICAL BONDING: Why you want them MORE after they hurt you. 💔 · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  You just caught them cheating or or they just told you that it's
• 0:04
  over and suddenly you feel this overwhelming urge to be closer
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  to them, like more than ever before.
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  You want their hands on you, you want to touch them, you want to
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  be close to them right after they betrayed you.
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  And also you're confused because you should be angry, you should
• 0:20
  hate this person, but instead you feel desperate.
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  Today, as a diagnosed narcissist, I'm going to tell
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  you you're experiencing what people refer to as hysterical
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  bonding. Your body is trying to save you
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  from the pain of losing this person, but it's actually
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  leading you right back into the mouth of the predator.
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  Oh my goodness, y'all hysterical bonding y'all?
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  Y'all know what I'm You don't. You might not know what it
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  means, but you know what it means.
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  You felt it. I promise you.
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  If you wanted to sleep with your partner right after they cheated
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  on you, if you wanted them to be close to you right after they
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  betrayed you, you might be hysterically bonded to this
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  horrible ass person that has put you through the worst things
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  possible, Right? So why does it happen?
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  That's the question I get a lot, Lee.
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  Why do I hysterical? OK, I understand what hysterical
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  bonding is, but why do I hysterically bond to this
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  person? Right?
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  So when a narcissist or anybody betrays you, it is a shock to
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  your system, to your nervous system.
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  It's Trump. Yeah, it's Trump.
• 1:33
  Sidebar, or what I used to call them rage rent bubbles, right?
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  Yeah, cheating is trauma. I need people to people to stop
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  trying to sugarcoat it, to try try to make it just undermine
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  what it is. Getting treat cheated on is a
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  traumatic experience. It is.
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  You have been traumatized. This person has traumatized you.
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  Especially if they do it over and over and over and over
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  again. That's trauma.
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  That's repeated trauma. That's why you feel it messed
• 2:02
  up. That's why your mind is going
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  everywhere. They have traumatized you with
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  the cheating bubble over. OK, Sorry.
• 2:12
  Yeah. But yeah, it's a shock to your
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  system. Like, your brain interprets that
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  rejection as a threat to your survival as literally a threat
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  to your survival. Like, you've been deprived of
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  food and water. Why?
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  Sometimes you, like, just imagine, right?
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  You're in a boat. You're in the middle of the
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  ocean. You having the water bottles?
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  No, nothing. And guess what?
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  You're dying of thirst. You're thirsty as hell.
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  You know that salt water, the ocean water is bad for you.
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  It looks delicious, doesn't it? It might quench that thirst, but
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  you know, it would do more harm than good.
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  You see? That's what that's what this is.
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  It's salt water. It looks like real water.
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  I see. Yeah.
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  What are these analogies you coming from?
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  Where did they come from? Where did they come from?
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  Yeah. Is it threatening yourself?
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  You think, you think, you think drinking this salt water, this
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  OSHA water is going to make you feel better, but it's actually a
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  threat to your survival because it could actually accelerate
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  your your, your demise, right? Hysterical bonding is your
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  brain's way of trying to fix the bond immediately, to try to
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  repair, look, to try to repair the patch very quickly.
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  It's like a last ditch effort to keep the predator from leaving
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  you. You're the prey.
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  You're the rat, you little cute little Bunny rabbit.
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  They're the wolf. You're trying to keep the wolf
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  from leaving you by Tooting your little Bunny booty in the air
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  with your little Bunny tail or stuff like that.
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  You're trying to toot your little Bunny tail in the air.
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  They're going to bite you. You see what I'm saying?
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  They going to bite it. So it's like a last ditch effort
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  to keep the predator, the wolf from leaving.
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  Yeah, you, you are an extra. Like sometimes people feel like
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  they're you're more in love after you've bonded or you slept
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  with somebody after they've done something horrible.
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  Like that was the best, the best SEX ever.
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  I've never had. It's never been that good
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  before. That's not so We we're more
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  close, we're closer than ever. We're more in love.
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  You're not more in love. You're not extra in love because
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  it was good after you got betrayed.
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  You're an emotional fight or flight that you really literally
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  you in an emotional fight or flight state due to trauma.
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  That's why you want to give them the cheeks.
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  That's why you want to clap their cheeks.
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  That's why you want to sleep with them because you've been
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  traumatized, you've been betrayed.
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  You're questioning your own self worth or your value.
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  That doesn't benefit you to keep questioning yourself, worth or
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  your value with this person because that benefits them, that
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  keeps you stuck, that keeps you right here where they want you.
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  You know what I mean? That's literally what they do.
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  They keep you right where they want you and they will keep they
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  will, they will keep being right where they want you because this
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  benefits them. Why wouldn't I do?
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  Why wouldn't I do something that benefits me?
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  That's how the mind of a narcissist work right here.
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  I'll I know what you're going to actually will do.
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  Narcissist how? How do narcissist use hysterical
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  bonding? I'm glad you asked.
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  So from my perspective as a diagnosed narcissist, hysterical
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  bonding, it's like the ultimate reset button.
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  It's like literally you, like I said, make up SEX, make up cheek
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  clapping, right? Make up bedroom stuff.
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  That's why it's so powerful. That's why I feel so powerful.
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  That's so that's why a lot of times after they betray you,
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  they will try to get you to the bedroom.
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  They'll try to hug you, they'll try to kiss you, they'll try to
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  soothe you. The same person who is who hurt
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  you is making you feel better. The arsonist is the firefighter,
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  right? The kidnapper is the kid is the
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  kidnapper is helping y'all search for the kidnappy, right?
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  This is what happens right here. So it's the ultimate reset
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  button. So if I hurt you and you come
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  back to me with intense affection, you come back to me
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  with some lingerie and a row. And you know, you seen those old
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  videos with a trench coat on? It's like, what are you doing
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  here? It's raining and you just rip
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  your trench coat on. You got some lingerie on?
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  Oh you, you're naked underneath. Hey, you come back to me with
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  that. You come back to me with some
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  intent or, or just you want to reconnect.
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  I don't have to apologize. I am cleared of all charges.
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  This is literally what you're doing.
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  You're clearing me of all charges with prejudice.
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  You cannot retry me. You could not, you could not
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  retry me for the same thing to double jeopardy.
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  You cannot retry me for the same thing twice.
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  So if you come back over here, sleep with me, I don't have to
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  apologize. And guess what else?
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  I don't have to change either. I just have to receive your
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  attention. That's all I have to do.
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  It validates me. It makes me feel like the hero
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  again in my own mind, without me having to do the work right.
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  I might do some work in the bedroom, whatever, but without
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  me having to do any extra work, without me having to go to
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  therapy, without me having to apologize, without me having to
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  go to church or whatever the case may be.
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  Couples counseling, apologize to your friends and family.
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  I don't have to do any of that. I get all the reward with no
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  apology, with no nothing right, with no work.
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  So it lets it lets me or let's any narcissist or types of
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  person that betrayed you, it lets them skip the
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  accountability phase entirely entirely.
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  But just just being real right here, y'all, You know, it can
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  hurt more than hysterical bonding sometimes.
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  Like if they betrayed you and you try to sleep with them or
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  you try to do something to them. If you they betrayed you, right,
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  and then they don't want to sleep with you.
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  That rejection can feel in that that rejection can be absolutely
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  be so intense. It can make you feel horrible.
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  It can make you feel like you're worthless.
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  It can make you feel like you have you have nothing to offer
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  and this person has done it like this.
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  Like it can make you question yourself worth and everything.
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  It absolutely can, so they can hurt too y'all.
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  So the difference. Another question I get Like
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  what's the difference between love and panic?
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  Then lead. How do I know it's not real
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  love? It feels like real love.
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  It feels like real connection. Genuine intimacy is built on
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  trust and safety. Y'all 100% is built on trust and
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  safety. Hysterical bonding or this panic
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  love is built on fear. The fear of loss and fear of
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  trust issues, self worth and insecurity.
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  That's what it's built on. The two totally different
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  foundations. One of them has steel Pierce and
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  concrete. The other has sticks and has
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  tree branches and twigs and leaves, right.
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  One of genuine intimacy has a satellite foundation is built
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  with love and trust. Like literally ports foundation,
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  port cement steel Pierce deep into the ground, right.
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  Whereas hysterical bonding that foundation is getting sticks in
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  the ground like the sticks you can bring off the tree sticks
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  and Cutler, the the hole is filled with leaves or just just
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  your regular sand, beach, beach sand, not even anything.
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  Hold it up. So just say about like this.
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  If you feel like you have to perform or be physically close
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  to them just to keep them from looking for somebody else or to
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  keep them in the house or keep them from leaving, that is not
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  love. If you feel like you have to
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  constantly stay on top of them or in the bedroom or keep doing
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  something just to keep them from looking for somebody else,
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  that's not love, y'all? That's panic.
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  That's not love. That is absolutely that's you
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  trying to out compete the the betrayal.
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  That's you trying to compete with the new supply.
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  This doesn't help anybody but the narcissist.
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  Guess who's winning here? Them.
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  They're winning because they keep you stuck right there.
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  They're winning because they keep everything going on like
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  you're working for a person who isn't working for you.
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  You're putting all the work in and they're getting all the
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  reward. What are you getting out of
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  this? I know you.
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  Sometimes you'll feel like you, but you what you do, you feel
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  like you're getting something from it because they're still
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  with you. But it's temporary.
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  It's a temporary fix. That's what happens.
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  It's a very temporary fix. So you have to break the trap,
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  y'all. The only way seriously to break
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  hysterical bonding is to stop. Stop reacting, stop giving them
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  your body, stop giving them access to you know, it's easier
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  said than done and must some of y'all might just be watching the
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  video after you, after you just got the hysterical bonding to
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  them, right? It's not too late.
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  OK, You made one last error. Don't make it again.
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  If you're watching this and you haven't done it, don't go do it.
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  And just like, well, at least you say we can make one error.
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  That's not what I said. That's you.
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  That's you being manipulative trying to change my words,
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  right? That's not what I say.
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  I say if you've already done it, you can't change it, but this is
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  not me giving you a get out of jail free pass to go do it
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  because you want hysterical bond and get a baby.
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  And don't let that I'm talking too much right now 'cause I know
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  some of y'all here like get a baby.
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  I want a baby. No, no, you have to stop.
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  Put y'all. You have to take a step back and
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  let the panic, literally let the panic, let the anxiety go.
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  You have to let it go through. You have to let it phase through
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  you what not right? You have to go.
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  Let it go without acting on it, right?
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  Go no contact if possible. Create physical space, create
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  some boundaries and whatnot. Go low contact.
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  If you have kids, if you own, if you act on the bonding, I
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  promise you, you're just going to reinforce the idea that they
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  can cheat and get some ass or get whatever they want from you.
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  I can go sleep with somebody else and then come right home
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  and sleep with you because you're jealous.
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  You want to, you want to get the scent of them off of me.
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  Good for me, right? I got a rounds in me.
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  That's how they feel. That only benefits them, right?
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  So if you keep on bonding to this person, of course, you just
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  reinforcing the idea in a narcissist's mind that they can
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  do whatever they want to do with little to no push back.
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  And you still, like I say you, you're rewarding.
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  I know my favorite analogy. You're rewarding the dog for
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  pooping in the house. Instead of taking the dog out
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  and showing it, Hey, you put poop outside.
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  You're giving the dog a treat for pooping, for pissing and
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  shitting in the house. I'm going to say pooping anyway.
• 11:53
  Y'all, if you've been, if you've been through this, what we what
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  we dropping in the chat today, drop a thumbs up in the chat
• 11:58
  today, drop a thumbs up in the comment section.
• 12:00
  Let me know if you hysterical bonded, drop a laugh, drop a
• 12:03
  laughing emoji. We going to laugh today, y'all
• 12:05
  We going to thumbs up, laugh, laugh or thumbs up?
• 12:07
  Y'all, you're not you're not crazy.
• 12:10
  You're not alone in this. Y'all know I'm here for you.
• 12:11
  If you need me. I have a support group called
• 12:13
  the mental illness. You can check that out.
• 12:15
  Everything is available at mentalillness.net.
• 12:18
  Hit that subscribe button if you haven't.
• 12:20
  And as always, y'all, as always, this is always mentoring.
• 12:23
  This is out peace.