Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / Breaking Free: When Loyalty Becomes Codependency in Relationships

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Breaking Free: When Loyalty Becomes Codependency in Relationships · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi and welcome back.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: You're listening to episode 93.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: I know today's topic is probably going to be a difficult one, but when I got married in 1988, I had been taught my whole life to be loyal to my spouse, to never leave them and certainly never get divorced, which was contrary to my real life at the time.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: My parents got divorced when I was 20.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: I have a younger brother and a sister and of course, we handled it all differently, but because I was the oldest, I wanted to be the fixer for everyone.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: However, when my dad did move out, my brother, who didn't want him to be alone, moved out with him.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: It was heartbreaking for all of us.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: I don't blame him, because I would have done the same thing if I were in his shoes.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Let me say this I would never tell anyone to get divorced In cases of chronic unfaithfulness.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: It's the only time I've ever said it one time.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: I encourage you to work it out.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: It's hard on everyone.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: If you take that information and put in the hard work to make it work, then everyone is better off.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: The difference is that your family stays whole and gets healthy, or you can watch as everyone struggles on their own to get healthy, while dealing with the devastation that the family is no longer intact.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Today I want to talk about being loyal, and I want to talk about being loyal and the darker side of loyalty, that being codependency.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Because I'm a very loyal person to begin with and it's always been my belief to give the benefit of the doubt and give a million chances to someone.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: It's a dichotomy for me rooting for the underdog and then doing whatever is necessary to win.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Loyalty is a necessary trait in any relationship, but let's not be fooled.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: It has that dark side and we call that codependency.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: Let's start with what healthy loyalty looks like.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: When loyalty is healthy, there's a give and take between two people.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: In other words, we take into account each other's needs and those needs being met.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: There is a respect, or there is respect, for one another's boundaries.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: There is a sense of self and independence, separate from the needs of others.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Lastly, it entails communication so that all conflicts, needs, desires and emotional health are tended to.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: But when loyalty takes a hard right turn toward codependency, it's all consuming.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Let me tell you what this looked like for me.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: There is excessive caretaking for another person.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: I became the chief problem solver, ensuring everything was taken care of to the point of neglecting simple things for myself.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: I would rationalize away the behavior and then I would defend it and say it was because of the illness.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: I was pretty much locked in solitary confinement.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I could not hold the boundary to save my life.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: When my therapist introduced simple boundaries to put in place, that fear was literally terrifying.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: You, dear listener, may be thinking hey, I'm setting a boundary here, and then you are terrified.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: They will push all the right buttons right there in front of you to test you.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: I did this and it did not go well and it is not the correct way to set a boundary.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: You set the boundary and then you see what happens.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: You don't announce the boundary, don't give it a neon sign.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: I set a boundary, like this years ago in front of a person.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: I said I'm not letting you talk to me that way.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: They kept talking and I said if you keep up, I will walk out the door.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: They kept talking and I walked straight out the front door, shut it because I wasn't going to be traumatized anymore.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: There's also the sense of trying to cover it up.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Man, I was a pro at the cover up.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: This is a good one.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: You tend to tell everyone it isn't as bad as it seems.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: They're crazy, how did you get there with your answer, all the while you're screaming yes, it is that bad in your head.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: You'll do anything to not let them be found out.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: You will just say, oh, it's because of this or oh, it's because of that, never, ever actually saying it's as bad as what it is.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: You tend to keep the peace and say whatever is necessary not to rat out the person you're covering for Finally exercising the only emotion you can muster, which is, in reality, is not yours to begin with.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: It's their emotion.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: People are out to get them, so they say.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: So you take on the fear.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: It's never ending unless you decide to get help.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: In other words, they say one thing and that leads you to believe it, and so that fear sets in deep in your gut, and then, after a while, you're just consumed in fear and going yeah, they are out to get me.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: They're not, but it takes the therapy to get you out of that.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about what does help look like in this situation of codependency.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Well, number one, I'll say it again go to therapy, because it literally saved my life.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: I preach this.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I will continue to preach it until everyone I know goes.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Is it scary?
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: You bet it is.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I know goes.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: Is it scary?
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: You bet it is.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: But once you have found your safe place, it brings such knowledge and peace and wisdom and will help you set your game plan up for success.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Listen, you think it's scary to divulge your secrets.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: It's scarier to keep them hidden.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: It's scarier to lock them up inside.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: It's scarier to hold on to them so that it eats you alive.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Get it out, find a therapist.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Set some boundaries.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: This is the most challenging thing, because you think I can't even hold a boundary.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: It's so easy to say them, but you have to follow through.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: It takes you being sick and tired of being sick and tired, just do it.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: The self-awareness that it takes you become aware of the times you're being codependent and recognize the manipulation that goes along with it, because you've seen the patterns, you know what they look like, you know what's coming, you know the next step that's going to happen, but you stand your ground.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Your mental health will take a huge boost from this.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: And finally, you have to focus on a little self-care.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: For instance, I would go to my weekly Bible study for two to three hours and it would be so healthy for me.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: It was the one sane place that I could go.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: It was the most peaceful place that I could go.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: Also, I took a lot of walks, lots of walks two to three miles, two to three times a day, just to clear my head.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I went to therapy.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: I cried a lot, and you will too, but it's so healthy for you to not hang on to that anymore.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: And the thing is, loyalty is such such a good quality to have and yet at at times it is just, it's consuming because you're so codependent on what that person thinks.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: You take on their feelings, you take on their, their fears, their insecurities, and then you become that way and then you're both sick and that doesn't help.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: You need to recognize the signs and you have to listen to the people telling us the signs.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: In other words, if you have friends who are telling you something, you literally need to take the blinders off and just weigh it out.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: Are they speaking truth to you or are they just pulling your chain Right?
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: So take the time to listen.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: Find a therapist.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: This will help you break free from the trap of codependency and the damage it causes to everyone around you.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: Well, it's a little heavy topic for this week, but I wanted to convey because this is something that I struggle with myself the loyalty piece and knowing when it's time to go or when it's time to make a change, which we're going to talk about the next three weeks.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: It was supposed to be today, but I decided this need to be said before we get to that.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: So that's why you're getting this episode today on loyalty versus codependency.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Well, that's all I got for this week.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Join me next time as we start this process of knowing when it's time to leave time to go.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: You won't want to miss it.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next time.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.