Latest / Infinite Threads with Bob Barnett / Send the Message You Keep Meaning to Send

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Send the Message You Keep Meaning to Send · Infinite Threads with Bob Barnett

• 0:00
  [music]
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey, hey.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Infinite Threads.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Bob.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, we began the Infinite Threads experiment with something very simple.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Notice somebody that you normally might not notice.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Today, we're going after something just a little different.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Something that I suspect,
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I suspect almost everybody listening has sitting somewhere in the back
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: of their minds.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a person.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know the one.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Every once in a while,
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  SPEAKER_00: their name pops into your head and you think, I really ought to message them.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Then life happens.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: The phone rings.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Dinner needs figuring out.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: You open Facebook for one specific reason.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And 20 minutes later, you're watching a video of a raccoon stealing somebody's Amazon package.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And the message never gets sent.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: A week goes by, then a month, maybe even longer.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So experiment number two is this.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Send the message that you keep meaning to send.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not tomorrow.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not when you have something particularly profound to say.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Today.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And before...
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Before anybody starts getting nervous,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm not suggesting that you contact an ex who destroyed your life in 1987 just
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: because Bob from Infinite Threads told you to.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Use some judgment here.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: We've got that, you know.
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  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about reopening dangerous relationships,
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  SPEAKER_00: ignoring healthy boundaries,
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  SPEAKER_00: or forcing reconciliation with somebody you have good reason to keep out
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: of your life.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the people that we genuinely care about and simply haven't contacted.
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  SPEAKER_00: An old friend.
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  SPEAKER_00: A cousin.
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  SPEAKER_00: Somebody you used to work with.
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  SPEAKER_00: A neighbor who moved away.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, maybe someone who helped you years ago and probably has no idea
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: that you still remember it.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: There doesn't even have to be a reason.
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  SPEAKER_00: In fact, that may be the most interesting part of today's experiment.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: We've gotten very good at communicating when there's business to conduct.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: What time are you coming over?
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  SPEAKER_00: Did you get the email?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can you pick up some milk?
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  SPEAKER_00: Human civilization, well,
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  SPEAKER_00: human civilization would apparently collapse Without messages about groceries,
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  SPEAKER_00: don't you think?
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  SPEAKER_00: But there's another kind of communication that doesn't need an assignment attached to it.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking about you.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: That sentence, that sentence is surprisingly powerful.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because somewhere in the world,
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  SPEAKER_00: another human being suddenly discovers that they still exist
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  SPEAKER_00: in somebody else's mind.
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  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Think about that for just a moment.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're going through an ordinary day.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not a particularly good one.
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  SPEAKER_00: Your phone makes a noise.
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  SPEAKER_00: You look down and see the name of someone that you haven't heard from in a while.
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  SPEAKER_00: And all it says is, Hey, you crossed my mind today.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hope you're doing okay.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing earth shattering happened.
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  SPEAKER_00: But the day, well the day changed a little, didn't it?
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  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want us to experiment with.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think we sometimes hesitate because we believe that the message needs to be bigger
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  SPEAKER_00: than it actually does.
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  SPEAKER_00: If it's been a long time, we feel as though we need to explain the long time.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: The explanation becomes awkward, so we postpone it, which makes the time longer.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, now we need an even better explanation.
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  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, we've turned a two sentence text message into an international diplomatic incident.
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  SPEAKER_00: There is another option.
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  SPEAKER_00: Skip the explanation.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm told to do.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: My friend Maria has tried to teach me this all the time and I'm getting there.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I know it's been a while.
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  SPEAKER_00: I thought about you today and I wanted to say hello.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Done.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're back in business.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe they answer immediately.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you end up talking for an hour.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you discover that they've been meaning to contact you too.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe the response is just great hearing from you.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hope you're well.
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  SPEAKER_00: Guys, that counts.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: The point of the experiment isn't to force some big emotional reunion.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is to close the distance by one small step and see what happens.
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  SPEAKER_00: There may also be someone you want to thank.
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  SPEAKER_00: That can be today's message too.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe Maybe something a person did years ago still matters to you.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
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  SPEAKER_00: Tell them.
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  SPEAKER_00: One of the strange things about human beings is that we carry memories
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  SPEAKER_00: of things other people did for us
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  SPEAKER_00: without realizing they may not remember doing them.
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  SPEAKER_00: A teacher encouraged us.
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  SPEAKER_00: A co-worker defended us.
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  SPEAKER_00: Somebody called When we were going through a terrible time,
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  SPEAKER_00: maybe they thought it was nothing.
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  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't nothing to us though.
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  SPEAKER_00: Imagine getting a message years later that says, you probably don't remember this, but I do.
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  SPEAKER_00: I love that because suddenly
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  SPEAKER_00: a moment somebody thought had disappeared comes back Carrying evidence
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  SPEAKER_00: that it mattered.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: That seems very Infinite Threads to me, doesn't it, Hugh?
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  SPEAKER_00: Something moved from one person into another and kept traveling long after
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  SPEAKER_00: the original moment was gone.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Today we get to send a little of it back.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's one thing I don't want this experiment to become, though.
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  SPEAKER_00: An obligation.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you send somebody a message, try not to attach an invisible invoice to it.
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  SPEAKER_00: They may not answer today.
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  SPEAKER_00: They may be busy.
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  SPEAKER_00: They may see it, smile, and forget to respond.
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  SPEAKER_00: I have bad problems about that myself.
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  SPEAKER_00: I have absolutely never done anything like that though, you know?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, not me.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Quit laughing, Maria.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: The message still mattered.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: This experiment is about reaching out, not controlling what comes back.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: That distinction is important because relationships can sometimes turn into scorekeeping.
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  SPEAKER_00: I contacted them last.
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  SPEAKER_00: They never call me.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm always the one who checks in.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that frustration is legitimate.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships do need reciprocity.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: But today, just for this experiment, let's put the scoreboard away.
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  SPEAKER_00: You thought about somebody.
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  SPEAKER_00: You care about them.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Send the message because that is true.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever happens afterward can be dealt with afterward.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're sitting there thinking, I don't know who I would contact, give it a little time.
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  SPEAKER_00: Go through your contacts.
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  SPEAKER_00: Look through some old photographs.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Think about people who used to be part of your ordinary life and somehow drifted
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  SPEAKER_00: toward the edges.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll bet a name appears.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to write a speech.
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  SPEAKER_00: In fact, short may be better.
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  SPEAKER_00: Something like, thought about you today.
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  SPEAKER_00: And wanted to say hello.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or, I realized it's been way too long.
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  SPEAKER_00: How are you doing?
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  SPEAKER_00: That's another good one.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe,
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  SPEAKER_00: you probably don't remember this,
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  SPEAKER_00: but I was thinking about something you did, something you did for me years ago.
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  SPEAKER_00: I never forgot it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then hit send.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: That last part is important.
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  SPEAKER_00: Don't write it and leave it sitting there for three hours while you conduct
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  SPEAKER_00: an internal committee over whether the wording is perfect.
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  SPEAKER_00: Send the thing.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've done this too.
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  SPEAKER_00: I've got lots of drafts to people sitting and waiting.
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  SPEAKER_00: Human connection has survived plenty of imperfect sentences.
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  SPEAKER_00: It'll probably survive yours.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think it will.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then notice what happens inside you after you finish.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you feel relieved, maybe nostalgic, maybe a little vulnerable.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's something about reaching across time and distance
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  SPEAKER_00: that reminds us how many people have passed through our lives.
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  SPEAKER_00: Some stayed and some, some didn't.
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  SPEAKER_00: Some disappeared simply because life took everybody in different directions.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: But the thread didn't necessarily disappear, guys.
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  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I know it didn't.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it just went quiet.
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  SPEAKER_00: Today we tug on one, gently.
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  SPEAKER_00: No expectations.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just enough to say, I'm still here.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere along the way today, I remembered you were here too.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's experiment number two, guys.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Send the message that you keep meaning to send.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if it turns into a conversation, wonderful.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: If it produces a surprising story, I'd love to hear about it.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I've got a comment section below all of these.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Come in and talk about it.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: But even if all that comes back is a little heart reaction on the screen,
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  SPEAKER_00: don't underestimate that.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: For a moment, two lives that have gone Drifted apart, touched again.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's enough.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow's experiment is going to be a little more dangerous.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not physically dangerous.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Possibly dangerous to something much more sensitive.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Our certainty.
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  SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow I'm asking you to catch yourself in one moment when you're absolutely sure
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: that you're right.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And seriously, Seriously consider the possibility that you might not be.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to be wrong on purpose.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sort of anyway.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you then, guys, okay?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love you all very, very, very much.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what I need you to do.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Go out and pass that on, okay?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Later, Gators.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Bye-bye.
• 13:18
  Fears.
• 13:19
  [music]