Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / Mini-Series: EP 3 Pregnant? Now What?! And a Traumatic Birthing Experience
Transcript
- Heidi Lindeman: Hello and welcome back to the Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans podcast. This is our little mini season. We are on episode three talking about early parenting and today I'm going to talk about pregnancy, particularly my first full pregnancy. Last week I talked about miscarriages, so obviously I had been pregnant before I had a baby that actually made it. We're excited. Okay. So. Early on. Pregnancy. I remember standing and connecting with her. connecting with my uterus and wondering, am I pregnant? And deep in my heart, knowing I am, I could feel her. I could feel the shift in energy inside of me. And I knew she was there. But it was too early to take a protest yet. But still there's a part of me that wondered, it right or am I right or am I just making something up or just hoping or just thinking about what's going on, doubting myself. And then the day came where I got the piano stick. And it was positive. Of course I was happy. I had wanted this. And I was also really nervous. Was this baby gonna stick? Was she gonna last? Was she gonna make it? Obviously then I didn't know if it a she. Was she gonna make it until she was big enough to come out? Was I gonna have to go through another miscarriage? and faced the fact that I might not be able to get pregnant or stay pregnant. could get pregnant. Could I stay pregnant? And a lot of anxiety was there. But yet there was that deeper connection I had with her that gave me enough reassurance that I could trust that I was pretty sure this was going to work. And those early days I was slightly nauseous every now and then but I could eat a cracker or have little apple sauce and the nose would go away. And it was pretty great. And then I remembered I was 12 weeks pregnant. And I thought that the nausea thing was kind of done because the first trimester was over. And I was in a therapy training program. called your badass therapy practice, which was fantastic by the way. And there's office hours. And I'm listening to the office hours and she asked on the office hours, what are you drinking? And I was like, I'm drinking ⁓ root beer float, because I'm pregnant. Can't drink alcohol. She has some kind of fancy alcoholic drink most of the time. And it's just super fun time. And then after that call, I threw up. I threw up the root beer float. And it was the first and only time I threw up that entire pregnancy. Until birth happened. So not too bad for that first trimester. was beyond the anxiety. It was pretty great. And I made it to 12 weeks. And thank God I made it to 12 weeks. There was definitely a bit of a release. of the anxiety that was directed towards is the baby going to make it when I got to 12 weeks, though it still existed. Because I knew that other people could have miscarriages later. And really getting to the 20 weeks and really 23 weeks is what you really want because then the baby is viable outside. Not that you want your baby to be born in 23 weeks, but it could survive. with a lot of medical help. So I was just trying to get to those weeks. And something shifted. I don't quite remember when. It was the second trimester, third trimester, but at some point I couldn't connect with her. I did not feel that energetic, deep connection and knowing. I could feel her kick, I could feel her wiggle, but not... not any kind of spiritual deep connection. And it was just like, I'm just pregnant, there's this baby in me and she's kind of heavy and my back kind of hurts and put a lot of pressure on myself. So that anxiety was also showing up in a kind of perfectionist part of, you need to do all the things right, You want an unmedicated birth. You want a natural unmedicated birth. So you better figure out how to do that. You need to make sure you're doing yoga so that your body is prepared for that. You need to be doing hypnobirthing. So you need to be doing meditation and going inside and connecting to yourself and doing the things that the hypnobirthing book is talking about. And I couldn't. I did some yoga for sure. But the amount of pressure I had on myself, kept feeling like I was failing. Like I wasn't doing enough. I couldn't do it every day. I was only doing it maybe once or twice a week, the yoga that is. And I felt like I was kind of failing already. and the that pressure that I put on myself. I also knew the biggest thing that created anxiety was sleep. Not my sleep. I mean, it was for my sleep, but the baby sleep. How was I going to get that baby to sleep? Because I knew at that point in my life that I needed at least seven hours of sleep. That if I got less than seven hours of sleep, I was not okay. Like I was not okay. Suicidal kind of not okay. And if I got more than seven hours of sleep, I was okay. And if I got nine hours of sleep, I was like, I'm actually really good and I'm potentially thriving. And I know babies don't sleep for seven hours when they come out. I knew what a newborn was. I had been a nanny for a long time. I knew about babies. But I was like, I'm going to get her to sleep as soon as I possibly can and make sure that she has good sleep skills because I need my sleep. I'm not OK if I don't sleep. So I was so obsessed with it. I was looking up sleep consultants. And I was Googling and trying to find who's the right one. And I had some consult calls with sleep consultants when I was probably my second, third trimester somewhere in there. And then I found one that I loved. and we had a... a video. and she... the reason I loved her is because I told her about the... importance of sleep for me, how important it is. I was a little bit vulnerable with sharing some of the emotional challenges that I have when I'm really, really tired and that I really want and need my kiddo to learn how to sleep and I know how important sleep is. And she could resonate and met me in that deeper place, which is why I adore her. I still reach out to her now when I'm having sleep issues with kiddos. ⁓ and So we have this, I'm sitting in my chair on my computer, talking to her, telling her about my sleep world, about how the baby's nursery is set up, what that's gonna look like, how my room is set up with the little bassinet. And she just gave me like some pointers, like just little, you're really early to be worrying about this yet, so just so you can know that, the first two weeks. is survival, sleep when the baby sleeps, get the baby to sleep however you need to get the baby to sleep, get the baby to sleep. And then we talked more. So that was that reassures some of my anxiety too. That was like, okay, I have a plan. I have a structure. Amanda's anxiety like plans and structure. I think we're going to solve the problems of the world with our plans and structure. I know what I'm to do. for the baby to get her to sleep. Then I'm gonna sleep and then motherhood's gonna be great. And that's what I thought. That's not how it went, but that's what I thought. And I was like, I'm prepared. I'm ready for this. She was getting bigger. My back was hurting more. had to keep, was taking my hands and put them underneath my belly and lift up when I was walking because my back hurts so much. And my leg, my leg kept going tingly and falling asleep. My right leg, because of the pressure that she was placing upon some nerve in my body. was going to the chiropractor to make sure that I had. the best adjustments so that she could most easily come out. I went to birth classes with the midwives. I did all my care with midwives at the birth center of Denver. It was good. Yeah, I was really anxious. I talked a lot about anxiety and being anxious with my therapist. And I couldn't really connect to my baby after the first trimester, so as I've already said. But I thought things were going fairly well. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and tell the birth story because that's pretty much the pregnancy story there. It was pretty easy. Alright, so I'm going to take you into it. So it was February 11th of 2021. And I woke up to a day of clients as a therapist. And I had two or three clients go to that day. So I sat down at my desk to see my clients. And I saw my first client and... There's a twinge. kept having these little twinges in my stomach. was like, that was a weird twinge. Okay. I would breathe and didn't think much of it. Definitely by the time my second client happened, if I had three by my third client, I was having full-on contractions while I was being a therapist. And I was so grateful that my clients had their eyes closed because then I was closing my eyes and making funny faces because I was grimacing in pain and breathing and I was muting myself when this pain was happening, but I was still hearing the client. and doing IFS with them, internal family systems, and helping them guide them through their system. But I'm sitting here. breathing through these contractions because it's what I was told to do. I actually didn't even know there were contractions at the time. I just thought there was some pain and I was just trying to breathe through it. and made it through my session. Thank God I made it my session. And then I got ravenously hungry. Like I was starving. And I cooked a gluten-free pizza. You know, one of those like Amy's ones that are, kind of small. And I the entire thing. Just shoved that whole thing in my mouth. I so hungry. And I had texted my doula early in the morning. Being like, hmm, I just saw some blood in the toilet. I don't know if that matters. Just telling you that it's there. So that's called bloody show. And that sometimes happens right before you give birth. Sometimes it's days or a week before, sometimes it's like right before. So, I don't know. So she had known that something was happening. I texted her again saying, I'm having all this pain, maybe something is going on, I don't know. I was in 100 % denial that I was having a baby. was like, I'm not, nope, it's not happening yet. She's got four more days, we're not. This is not happening until Valentine's Day. She her due date was Valentine's Day. That's when she's coming. Super into denial. Not paying attention to what my body was telling me. And then they started getting worse. The pain in my stomach, which were contractions and it hurt. Really, really hurt. And I called, my doula called me as soon as she could, she was driving. And she called me as soon as she could. And I told her what was happening. And I had called the midwife and told them what was happening. And my doula, I'm on the phone with the doula, like, okay, so I keep having these pains. I think they're every three or four minutes. I can't quite tell. They're happening a lot. And she was like, really, that much? Are you sure? because I was talking like normally, like it wasn't hard for me to talk, even when the contractions were happening, wasn't really pausing that much to talk. I was like, yeah, they kind of are. And that was around noon-ish, one-ish, something like that. And she, okay, well keep tracking it. Let the midwives make sure you know. Make sure your mom knows and you should get your mom to your house. I was like, why? She's like, you're in labor, Heidi. I'm in labor, what? You mean I'm in labor. I'm not in labor, there's just some pain, it's fine. She's like, no, Heidi, you're in labor. I was like, I'm in labor. Okay, I guess a baby is gonna happen. Am I ready? little part freak out a little bit. Got to that moment and I called my mom, told my mom to get here as fast as she could because she was my ride to the birth center of Denver and I lived in Longmont. That's like a 45 minute drive. And she was my birth person. My mom and my doula were the only two people that could come because this was still COVID times and then the midwives. So I'm continuing with these off and on pains. I was trying to rest. That wasn't happening. was like, okay, sure, whatever. And my mom just took forever. was like, where is she? I thought she was, told me she would be here very soon. She told me she was in Evergreen. That should only take, I don't know, an hour or so. It has been more than an hour. Where is she? And then she shows up like a half an hour later or so. She had to go back to her house to get her suitcase to come back to my house from Tioden Springs. So my mom gets there and then we do all the things that I'm supposed to do. So they told me to get in the shower. That shower really helped. So we take walks. That walk really helped. They told me to rest as much as I can. And they told me at one point to call them to come in for giving birth to the baby. So my mom and I go for a walk and I'm thinking, Okay, we're gonna walk all the way down to the park and we'll go around the park and then we'll come back. That's maybe... maybe 10-ish blocks or so. Yeah, we got two blocks away. I walked two blocks and I was like, I can't keep going. Look at how I do this. It hurts so much. I need to go home. I to keep pausing and stop walking with every contraction. It's just my stomach is tightening and it hurts and it's painful and breathing as much as I can. Trying to release my shoulders, but they were definitely up in my ears. trying to not get away from, I'm trying to get away from the pain. So then we get back to my house and I'm like, so the walk made it feel a little worse and I couldn't really manage. Let me see if I get in the shower. They said water really helps. So get in the shower and I'm feeling the water on me and then the contractions get intensely worse. So much worse. I'm screaming in the shower because the pain and intensity was starting to feel unbearable. at that point. This is really bad, mom, this is bad. This did not help. I did not like the water. So I go upstairs. I get out of the shower. My mom is on the couch talking to my dad on the phone. And I go upstairs to get dressed. And I get dressed and I lay down on the bed and I'm gripping this, I'm gripping a comb in my hand as tight as I can. Also, a hypnobirthing technique. Grip the comb. feel the pressure in your hand to try to help get through the contraction. That wasn't helping either. Nothing was helping and I was crying and did not want to do this anymore. I like, I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. And I told her, my mom, to call the midwives because I can't do this anymore. So that was my knowing like, this is really going to happen soon-ish. So we should do something different. I can't. manage this by myself with my mom anymore. It's not, it's too painful. So she calls them in wives and they wanted to talk to me. They asked me like how's she doing? How's she handling it? And my mom was like she's doing pretty good. And I was like I am not doing good. No, no, I'm not good mom. I think that's because I am really good at keeping pretty much all my pain and emotions inside that's just part of how I am. And it's so sometimes hard for people to fully see what's happening. I can't manage this anymore, Mom. I'm not okay. not okay. Tell the midwives I'm not okay. They heard me say that. And they're like, you should bring her in. And that was around five-ish p.m. And this had all started, the bloody show started at 7 a.m. Now we're at 5 p.m. The same day. So we gather all of our things and we have a plan to meet the midwives at the Berkson and Denver at 6 p.m. My doula is to meet us there as well. My mom called my doula or texted her to let her know to So we get into the car and I think, you know, I sit in the backseat because there's more room. Like I try to, I buckle myself in because that's what you do when you get in a car. Buckle myself in, I'm ready to go. The contractions happen. ⁓ that hurts. And then I unbuckled myself and my mom was driving and I like, I can't do this anymore. I unbuckled myself and I'm on my hands and knees. turn backwards. So my knees are on the bench, the bench seat, and my arms are over the headrest. And that was the only position that was semi comfortable. And I'm just groaning and moaning and making a lot of noise in the back seat as my mom was driving these 45 minutes that feel like a century. It gets more and more and more painful and I'm restricted to my movement and I cannot go very far and I do not like it. And then we get to the birth center. I like, thank God I got to the birth center. And I started to feel little nauseous then. I don't feel so good now. And I try eating a little bar or a bite or something. like, mmm, that happened a little bit. No, no, I can't eat anymore. I don't want any more of that. And then we start walking inside. I'm walking inside and I get to the, across the parking lot, which is 15 steps maybe. a big contraction comes and I stand and I have to pause and I have to grip the wall and I moan some more. Deep breath in, contraction ends. Walk some more into the... Inside, there's a security guard that's downstairs. That leads us and helps us get upstairs. Can't even make it to the elevator before I have to pause again. Another contradiction. moan some more, breathe through it, get to the elevator. Definitely have one or two contractions in the elevator. I have to walk down a hall. And this whole time this feels like, excruciatingly hard. Like, when am I going to be able to stop walking? And I walk, and I get there. The midwife see me, they're like, ⁓ wow, you're really in like, ⁓ okay. Yeah, I told you. But. And they get me into the room that I wanted to be in. So that's like 6 p.m. And this is like, it's been painful for an hour and a half, two hours at this point, like fairly, pretty painful. More than just like this tightening and this like sharp pain kind of shooting through me. Now it's like this gripping pain and it lasts for a while, then it releases for a minute, and then gripping pain again, and then it releases, and gripping pain again, and it just will not stop. and my body is going up, up, up. I'm trying to get out of my body. I do not want to be here. I do not like this at all. My doula is trying to push my shoulders down. She's telling me to breathe down. The midwives are like, breathe down, down, down, down, down, down. The one thing that they did that was extremely helpful is they did a hip squeeze. Somebody would push on both sides of my hips as hard as they could, especially during contractions. And that was the only thing that gave me even a little bit of relief. And shortly after we got to the center, it said, I don't feel very good. And I threw up pretty much most of the pizza that I had eaten. And then as I don't feel good again, then I threw up again. I don't remember how many times I threw up, but I did not like throwing up. And then they had some medicine that they gave me at some point to help me stop throwing up. It was glorious. So glad I had that medicine. The only medicine that I had during my labor was the anti-nausea medicine that they just put right into my vein through the IV that I had in me. And one of the reasons I wanted to give birth at the birth center of Denver was because they had a really big tub, like a jacuzzi kind of tub. And I am somebody who loves water. I love it so, so, so much. I love swimming. I love being in water. love hot tubs and just being in water. So I thought that water would be really, really great. And I thought that maybe the bath, the bath would be better than the shower, because the shower didn't work so well. So they asked me if I wanted to get the bath, I said yes, yes please. I climb into the bathtub and the pain intensifies and it gets worse and it hurts a lot. And then I'm trying to turn around or find a comfortable position, trying to be on my hands and knees and I can't really do that in the bath and gripping my mom's hand, gripping my doula's hand, squeezing as hard as I can. At this point, right now as I'm telling this, I'm like worried about... Did I hurt their hands? But during that, I did not care about them at that moment. Doing whatever I could to try to get through these contractions. I like, isn't working. I said, too much pain. So then I get out of the bed. And then I keep kind of going back and forth from the bends, flipping positions, trying to be on my hands and knees. That helped the most. They kept trying to get me to move positions. Everything hurt. I hated it. Every moment of it. There was this moment when they wanted me to go pee. I like, I don't have to pee. Like you haven't peed in a very long time. You should probably try to go pee. I don't have to pee. I want to pee. You need to go pee, I was like, okay, fine. I'll go pee. So I walk over to the bathroom, which also felt like a century away, mile away. It was not a mile away. It was out and out. It's a really big room. Like, if you imagine a really big living room or a really big hotel room, the bed's on one side and the bathroom's on the other side. Whatever, 15, 20 steps, something like that. And I get into the bathroom and my doula, she says that she's gonna give me some privacy. And I'm she was like gonna go get some water or go eat something or go do something, because she'd been with me for a long time. And I sit down on the toilet to try to pee. I think I did pee maybe. But the moment I sat down, it hurt so bad. It got so much more intense. I screamed her name. I like, come back. Also thinking, I don't need privacy. Like, fuck, you see me in labor, half naked. I was only wearing a bra at that point. might have had on a, I'm pretty sure, I was pretty much just, as soon as, after I got in the bathtub, I just had on my bra. I didn't have anything else on, I just had on my bra. ⁓ So like, I don't need privacy. You've already seen all the things. There's no privacy needed here. Screaming because of how bad it hurt on the toilet. And some people actually really like toilet contractions. I'm not one of them. It hurt way more. So squeezing her hands, screaming, trying to pee. It's a really hard thing to do when you're having... And then that ends. Get off the toilet and get out of there. Thank God I didn't have to pee again. It didn't make me pee until after I had a baby. And as I'm walking back from the bathroom, I'm like, ⁓ I think I'm going to pee or something. And this gush comes out. My water broke. And then I looked at the floor and I said, I'm sorry. Like, don't be sorry, Heidi. This happens. We'll clean up. It'll be fine. And then I took a few more steps. Like, ⁓ and some more gushed out. I was just going to lay down on the ground and just standing there, there's like gushes of water just falling out of me. My mind was breaking. And then after that, they were like, I want to check you. I wanted to see how far, how much, how dilated I was. And I was like, okay, and I had gotten to the bed and I was on my hands and knees. I can you check me like this? I'm we can try. So they tried checking me while I'm on my hands and knees, essentially. And then in there, they have to go pretty far in and they're feeling around and then I'm about to have a, and then I have a contraction. So then I'm like, get out, get out, get out. They pull their hand out because it hurts so bad for them to have B and have a contraction at the same time. have more contractions and they're like, do really need to check you? Like you didn't get to tell because they didn't actually get that far in. Like, no we didn't, I'm sorry. We really do need, we need to know how far along, we need to know where you're at. We need to have you lay on your back. So then get me on my back. And I was determined before this, was not going to give birth on my back because I know that that is the position where you're most likely to tear and I didn't want to tear. And I don't want to do the thing that medical doctors tell me to do. I'm going to do something different. I'm do what my body tells me to do. So I get on my back, they're able to check me. I was I don't remember how far along I was. It was definitely at least eight, if not nine centimeters, if not very close to 10 centimeters. And then I was on my back and I could not move. There's no getting off of my back anymore. I can't do this. I can't do this. I have a lot of contractions on my back. I'm breathing through it, breathing through it. And they try to, they're like, can we get you on your side? They try to roll me over to my side. I can't really do it. I kind of rolled over, but then it really hurt. And then my leg was falling asleep. can't do this. I'm gonna roll back onto my back. I'm like, can't. I'm gonna be on my back. Because then they didn't want me on my back. They didn't want me to give birth on my back. But they were like, you gotta get on your back so we can check you. Pardon me, it's a little annoying. But in that moment I was like, I can't, I can't, I can't. And then it became the time to push. I'm on my back, because that's the only position I could be in. I couldn't move, and I'm pushing, and I could feel the pressure down, and it hurt, and it was lot of pain, and I really didn't like it, but I also wanted her out. I was like, I wanted to stop, but I don't wanna push anymore. And I had to really dig deep down to f- figure out how to push it out. I felt like I was going to rip it half. I did not like it. And then she was out. think she's out. And I was done. She was born at 11.59 p.m. in 17 seconds. So she was born on the 11th. I started my labor at 7 a.m. She was born at 11.59 p.m. It's a whole day of labor. You know. date not 7am to ⁓ 11am. 15 p.m. And I could not move after that. I was just exhausted and done. And they put that little sweet being on my chest. And then she's laying on me. And I have no energy, but I'm just staring at her. I love her. And she's so sweet. She's so bloody, but she's so sweet. I'm just looking at her and just enjoying her little body on my belly. And then I'm pretty sure they told me to push or to try to get the placenta out. I did zero. I didn't do anything. I was laying there like I can't. Legs were laid apart. I just looked at that baby. And they somehow pushed on my stomach, which hurt. They got that placenta out somehow. But definitely there were stories afterwards about how it did not help. It didn't help at all. I don't know. I was done. I just had a baby. I don't know what you want from me. And then she was there. And then there were some moments where they, I got to just hold her for a while. First, we just got to hold her. And then they wanted to kind of check and see what, how did my vagina look down there now? And then they were looking, had scoot up to the side of the bed, my butt, the side of the bed. And they were looking at me, touching a little bit. It's like, ow, that hurts. Obviously, very tender. And like you tore, we're trying to decide is it a second degree tear or is it third degree tear? We don't really know because if the second degree tear is midwives, we are trained to fix that. But if it's a third degree tear, you need a little bit more and we're not able to fix it, then we'd have to transfer you to the hospital. I like, I don't know. I don't know, it hurts. I just laid there like, I don't know. What do you want from me? So then the midwives, go off and they're kind of talking back and forth to each other, kind of tears this, I don't know what we should do. They step out of the room to consult whoever they consult, don't know. They come back in and they're like, yeah, we're gonna transfer you to the hospital to make sure that it gets fixed correctly because, know, it's your vagina. You want it fixed correctly. I like, okay, I guess I'm getting transferred to the hospital. I'm not going to, I don't have to walk, do I? They're like, ⁓ no, no, you don't have to walk. We're gonna get you right onto a bed. And I actually had to take an ambulance over there. ⁓ my mom was, or somebody who had a car wasn't able to drive me. And it was literally across the parking lot. But it's for center rules, they're not allowed to do that. So they, I'm gonna tell just a little bit more of this story because it's still probably like traumatic birth story and then we're gonna end. I'm just realizing I'm talking 35 minutes. So the ambulance people come over, they have the little rolly beds and they put me on that. My baby, she had to stay at the birth center because she was not allowed to be released until she was at least four hours old because they had to run another test on her. had to see what kind of... stuff she needed, I don't know. So she had to stay with my mom. And I asked my doula if she would be willing to come over with me to be with me while they're sewing me up. And my mom can stay with the baby and then my mom can bring the baby over because my mom had the car seat in her car for when we were going to be going home. So I get on that stretcher and they take me to the ambulance and it was and cold. I was like, woo, it's cold out here. And then I was like, can chipper talking to the ⁓ paramedics, I guess that's who they were. We were going through the parking lot. I'm like, this is so funny that you have to take me across the parking lot. ⁓ Joseph's right there. But here we are. How's your day going? I'm telling them like, you know, my day, I've been pretty good. I mean, I just had a baby. I'm good now. It was painful, but I'm good now. I think the hormones did some kind of pick-me-uppy after she was out. So we make it over to the hospital. They take me into a room somewhere and a doctor. comes to look at my vagina to assess the situation in the tear, what's going on there, and tells me that they're gonna need to fix it, so they're gonna have to give me a shot ⁓ to numb it, because they're gonna sew it up. I was like, okay. And at that point I was like, I think I have to pee. And I literally had not peed since probably 8 p.m. That's my alarm that I'm supposed to go get my children, so I gotta finish this up real quick. I hadn't peed in a while. I like, I haven't peed in a while. Does that matter? I asked them. Like how long? Like a while ago, I turned to my doula. It's like how long ago was it? It's been several, four, five, six hours. So it's been a long time. Does that matter? That's what I asked them. Like, you probably should pee. It's like, okay, like, is there a way that I can pee without walking over to the toilet? That's gonna be very hard. And they bring me a little bedpan and I am laying down and then I just pee, which is the weirdest sensation ever. You're laying down and then just pee. Like, there we go, I peed. But very glad I didn't have to walk over to the... toilet. So I pee and then they're going to give me the shot. ask my dealer if she'll feel my hand. And I'm holding her hand and I'm looking at her and I'm taking deep breaths, squeezing her hand and then they inject to give me the shot. It hurts. It's very painful. and then it all goes numb. I'm like, thank God. It's like, after baby, I'll take all the drugs I can have. I just didn't want any while I was giving birth with the baby. But give me them all now. And then they sew it up and then they take me to a room to recover. It's very sore and I was sore for a while. It was very hard to actually sit down for a while. And then a little bit later, my baby and my mama came over and I got to be reunited with my sweet little girl. And then we were there for, got to, I kind of slept. My mom definitely slept, she took some good naps. And we left on the 12th later that day at like 5 p.m. ish. That is my first birth story. That's the pregnancy and the birth, the whole thing. Yeah, so hope that was, I don't know, fun to listen to. I don't know. What helped you, freaked you out, I don't know. If it freaked you out, really touching those parts of you that are like, oh God, what if it's painful like that? My birth experience did feel a little traumatic to me, that one. And I did afterwards, before my second, get EMDR to help process that. And my second birth was very different. So there's that. Next time I'm going to talk about some of those really early days. Early days postpartum, newborn baby, what my experience was like during those days. Hope this was helpful for you. If it touched anything and you feel like you need support, reach out to another mama friend. Or if you have a therapist, reach out to your therapist. Thank you for listening and I will chat with you next time.