Latest / QUESTION EVERYTHING / Too Young for Cancer: Sydney Towle on Fighting for Her Life at 25

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Too Young for Cancer: Sydney Towle on Fighting for Her Life at 25 · QUESTION EVERYTHING

0:03
Speaker 1: No one has all the answers, but when we ask
0:05
Speaker 1: the right questions, we get a little closer, closer to truths,
0:11
Speaker 1: closer to each other, even closer to ourselves. I'm journalist
0:16
Speaker 1: Danielle Robe, and each week, my guests and I come
0:19
Speaker 1: together to challenge the status quo and our own ways
0:22
Speaker 1: of thinking by daring to ask what if, why not?
0:28
Speaker 1: And who says?
0:30
Speaker 2: So?
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Speaker 1: Come curious, dig deep, and join the conversation. It's time
0:36
Speaker 1: to question everything. Let me paint a picture of Sydney Toll.
0:45
Speaker 1: She's twenty five years old. Sydney has effortless, earthy beauty
0:50
Speaker 1: that just doesn't try hard. Blonde, tussled hair kind of
0:54
Speaker 1: looks kissed by Salt and Son. Her style is unfussy
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Speaker 1: and bohemian, and around her neck she wears a small
1:00
Speaker 1: shark tooth on a cord, a quiet nod to her
1:03
Speaker 1: Florida roots. There's a grounded ease about her, an energy
1:07
Speaker 1: that feels equal parts yoga teacher and little sister. She's
1:10
Speaker 1: deeply kind and she thinks before she speaks. Two years ago,
1:14
Speaker 1: when she was twenty three, fresh out of college graduation
1:17
Speaker 1: from Dartmouth, Son kissed from surf and run clubs in
1:19
Speaker 1: Los Angeles, newly yoga certified and sharing her life online.
1:23
Speaker 1: She finished a jog, glanced down and felt a lump.
1:27
Speaker 1: That lump was misdiagnosed, because how could a healthy, vibrant, bubbly,
1:31
Speaker 1: twenty three year old girl have colangio carcinoma, a rare
1:35
Speaker 1: bile duct cancer that usually strikes people over fifty years old.
1:39
Speaker 1: But she did. Sydney logged onto TikTok, where she'd been
1:42
Speaker 1: posting dance videos and lighthearted moments since college, and recorded
1:46
Speaker 1: something different than her usual content. In a pink bikini top,
1:50
Speaker 1: her face streaked with tears, she looked into the camera
1:53
Speaker 1: and said, I have cancer. I'm strong, so I'll be good,
1:57
Speaker 1: and then she gave a shaky thumbs up. Then She's
2:00
Speaker 1: had major liver surgery, lost her gallbladder, endured relentless chemo,
2:06
Speaker 1: and kept showing up. Her feed turned from kitchen dances
2:10
Speaker 1: to hospital hallways IV tubes.
2:13
Speaker 2: I haven't so I feel so sick every day every day.
2:22
Speaker 1: That's when I found Sydney. She posted a video dancing
2:24
Speaker 1: with her brother in the hospital, laughing silly human and
2:29
Speaker 1: I stopped tears welled up. I didn't know her, but
2:33
Speaker 1: I was rooting for her, and I wasn't the only one.
2:37
Speaker 1: Millions of people filled her comments with love, keep going, Sydney,
2:41
Speaker 1: You've got this. But in another corner of the Internet,
2:44
Speaker 1: on Reddit, strangers picked apart her posts, insisting that she
2:49
Speaker 1: was lying. They zoomed in on her scars, her hair,
2:53
Speaker 1: her smile, deciding that her optimism made her suspicious. One
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Speaker 1: commenter even wrote, I literally feel like hunching her in
3:00
Speaker 1: the face. The story spiraled so far that the New
3:03
Speaker 1: York Times investigated and confirmed what should have never been
3:06
Speaker 1: in question. Sydney really does have cancer. Sydney has since
3:11
Speaker 1: moved to New York so she could be cared for
3:13
Speaker 1: at Memorial Sloan kettering. She has to do chemo indefinitely,
3:17
Speaker 1: and she keeps showing up at the infusion center and
3:20
Speaker 1: on TikTok, and while some twenty five year olds in
3:22
Speaker 1: New York are filming I get ready with me, Sydney's
3:26
Speaker 1: filming one too, except hers begins a little bit differently.
3:29
Speaker 1: She smiles towards the camera and says brightly, let's go
3:33
Speaker 1: slay some chemo. Let's go slay some chemo, Like I
3:37
Speaker 1: haven't done that.
3:37
Speaker 3: A really long time, but I'm going to chemo today
3:40
Speaker 3: and I'm also seeing my oncologist.
3:43
Speaker 2: I'll be so honest. I did not feel like explained
3:45
Speaker 2: chemo today, but we gotta do it.
3:53
Speaker 1: Think about your world at twenty five friends, work the
3:56
Speaker 1: right black top for Friday night, a new crush, maybe
3:59
Speaker 1: a little k and then think about Sydney anchored to
4:02
Speaker 1: a chemo chair, nauseous from all of it, still finding
4:06
Speaker 1: reasons to laugh and show up. Cancer in young people
4:10
Speaker 1: is rising at rates scientists can't ignore, especially cancers of
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Speaker 1: the gut, liver, and reproductive system. No one knows exactly
4:18
Speaker 1: why yet. Maybe it's our food, our environment, our stress.
4:21
Speaker 1: But the faces of cancer are getting younger and younger,
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Speaker 1: and Sydney is one of them. This is her first
4:27
Speaker 1: ever podcast conversation. I wanted to talk to her not
4:30
Speaker 1: just because she's surviving something unimaginable, but because she's living
4:34
Speaker 1: through it and she doesn't have to, but she is
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Speaker 1: doing it with so much honesty and grace and humor
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Speaker 1: and a huge amount of courage. I wanted her story
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Speaker 1: etched in time so that one day, when she's on
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Speaker 1: the other side of this, she can look back and
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Speaker 1: see what she survived and how brightly she kept shining
4:53
Speaker 1: through it. I think we're circling two questions today. The
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Speaker 1: first is how do you keep showing up for life
5:00
Speaker 1: when life stops looking like what you imagined? And the
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Speaker 1: second is how do you hold hope and grief and
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Speaker 1: reality at the same time. It's time to question everything
5:11
Speaker 1: with Sydney told So, Sydney, I first found you on TikTok,
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Speaker 1: I think, like so many other people did, and I
5:25
Speaker 1: was immediately drawn to you because you are so vibrant
5:29
Speaker 1: and really positive and super endearing. And I imagine, even
5:35
Speaker 1: though you have millions of followers across platforms, that not
5:38
Speaker 1: everybody knows your story. So I want to lay the
5:40
Speaker 1: groundwork for them. You're twenty five, but at twenty three,
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Speaker 1: just two years ago, you had graduated from Dartmouth and
5:47
Speaker 1: you moved to LA You had your yoga certification, and
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Speaker 1: I watched all your videos. You were swimming and running
5:54
Speaker 1: and just being really active, and you built a small
5:58
Speaker 1: but growing following. And one day you went for a run,
6:02
Speaker 1: and within twenty four hours, your entire life changed. What
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Speaker 1: happened on that run?
6:06
Speaker 3: Yeah, So, I was actually back at school at Dartmouth
6:10
Speaker 3: and I was visiting one of my friends for a
6:12
Speaker 3: music festival that they have there, and I went for
6:15
Speaker 3: a run and right when I finished, I looked down
6:19
Speaker 3: and I noticed that I had a lump protruding from
6:22
Speaker 3: the right side of my abdomen.
6:24
Speaker 2: And I was kind of like, what the heck is that?
6:27
Speaker 3: And I immediately posted on Snapchat because we still use
6:30
Speaker 3: snauschat at the time, and I was like, what is
6:34
Speaker 3: this and people were like, oh, it's a hernia.
6:38
Speaker 2: I looked it up.
6:39
Speaker 3: The symptoms said hernia, so I thought it was an
6:41
Speaker 3: exercise induced hernia and that was not the case. But
6:45
Speaker 3: that's also what the initial urgent care doctor said as well.
6:48
Speaker 3: Oh wow, yeah, so nobody thought that it was cancer
6:51
Speaker 3: at first. Obviously your first instinct isn't this twenty five
6:55
Speaker 3: year old probably has this rare cancer?
6:57
Speaker 1: And what happened from there?
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Speaker 3: So I went home to LA and I ignored it,
7:03
Speaker 3: honestly for a month or two. And I knew when
7:08
Speaker 3: I would go for runs or when I would go
7:09
Speaker 3: for like long walks, I would feel this burning sensation.
7:13
Speaker 3: But I still ignored it, just because I think I
7:15
Speaker 3: was in denial a little bit, and I would even
7:19
Speaker 3: jokingly say sometimes like what if I have cancer, And
7:23
Speaker 3: the people around me would be like, why would you
7:25
Speaker 3: even say that, Like you're so young, you're so healthy,
7:27
Speaker 3: you go to run club or you go to surf club,
7:30
Speaker 3: Like there's just no way. And then I went to
7:33
Speaker 3: the urgent care. He thought it was a hernia, but
7:35
Speaker 3: he was like, just in case, I'll send you for
7:38
Speaker 3: an ultrasound. And then when I went to the ultrasound,
7:41
Speaker 3: it's really weird because they don't say anything to you
7:44
Speaker 3: when they're doing it obviously, like they can't they're not
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Speaker 3: the ones reading the stands.
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Speaker 2: So she was very calm. She was like, oh, like,
7:51
Speaker 2: have a nice day.
7:53
Speaker 3: And it turns out there was an eight or nine
7:56
Speaker 3: centimeter solid mass in my.
7:58
Speaker 1: Liver and so you get the diagnosis and it's colangio carcinoma,
8:04
Speaker 1: which is a rare cancer at twenty three years old,
8:08
Speaker 1: Tell me what's going through your mind when you hear
8:09
Speaker 1: those words come out of their mouth.
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Speaker 3: So I had no idea, and I think most people
8:13
Speaker 3: don't know what calandiocarcinoma is. I heard carcinoma, and I
8:17
Speaker 3: know that's one of the worst forms of cancer, like
8:20
Speaker 3: one of the most deadly forms so I remember I
8:23
Speaker 3: went to go pick up the report from the MRI
8:26
Speaker 3: place and I opened the report, I'm by myself, and
8:31
Speaker 3: right when I open it, I just see the words
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Speaker 3: likely carcinoma, multiple enhancing masses, and I immediately just dropped
8:38
Speaker 3: to the ground in the parking lot, and I.
8:40
Speaker 2: Was like in shock.
8:41
Speaker 3: I mean, I kind of had this gut feeling that
8:43
Speaker 3: it was cancer, but to see like multiple tumors increasing
8:48
Speaker 3: in size, I was like, how is this possible?
8:51
Speaker 1: And to see those words you were alone?
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Speaker 3: I was alone again. I had a gut feeling, but
8:56
Speaker 3: I was hoping I was wrong. So opening it by myself,
9:00
Speaker 3: i'm a parking lot, I was just like, oh my gosh,
9:02
Speaker 3: how is this my new reality? You know, it was
9:05
Speaker 3: confirmation of a nightmare, right exactly? Yeah, what do you
9:08
Speaker 3: remember about that day? Immediately after, so I immediately facetimed
9:13
Speaker 3: my family, and normally they both don't pick up. My
9:16
Speaker 3: brother and my mom they both picked up on like
9:18
Speaker 3: the first ring, so it was already a crazy moment.
9:21
Speaker 3: And then I was already crying. I was already bawling,
9:23
Speaker 3: and they were like, what's wrong, What's wrong? And I
9:25
Speaker 3: was just like, I've cancer. And they both started.
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Speaker 2: Immediately bawling as well.
9:30
Speaker 3: So that was a core memory probably that I will
9:33
Speaker 3: never forget is their reaction calling them and seeing their
9:36
Speaker 3: faces when I said that, and then also texting all
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Speaker 3: of my friends at the same time saying I have
9:41
Speaker 3: cancer because.
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Speaker 2: I just didn't know what to do.
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Speaker 3: I think you kind of immediately when you get news
9:45
Speaker 3: like that, you reach out to everyone you know and
9:47
Speaker 3: you're like, what's going on. And obviously all of my
9:50
Speaker 3: friends were like, what are you talking about?
9:52
Speaker 1: It's interesting that you texted all your friends. You're a
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Speaker 1: friend girl, Yes I am.
9:57
Speaker 2: I love my friends.
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Speaker 3: And one of my friends in La I text him
10:00
Speaker 3: and said I have cancer right when it was happening,
10:02
Speaker 3: and he was supposed to go to San Diego that day.
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Speaker 3: He immediately canceled the trip to go see his friends
10:08
Speaker 3: and then spent the day with me at the beach,
10:10
Speaker 3: just hanging out.
10:10
Speaker 2: So I have some really great friends.
10:13
Speaker 1: Did you guys talk about it or did that day
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Speaker 1: did you just want to enjoy the beach and not
10:17
Speaker 1: think about it.
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Speaker 3: I think we just didn't talk about it. I think
10:21
Speaker 3: I was in so much shock. I don't think there's
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Speaker 3: like a way to process that much information in one time.
10:27
Speaker 2: So yeah, we just hung out.
10:29
Speaker 1: What were the psychological impacts of the diagnosis in the
10:33
Speaker 1: days and weeks to come.
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Speaker 3: Honestly, it's so hard to think about because I think
10:36
Speaker 3: a lot of my processing has been through disassociation, like
10:41
Speaker 3: kind of pretending it's not happening. So I try not
10:44
Speaker 3: to think about it too much. Yeah, but I think
10:47
Speaker 3: it has taken obviously a very big toll, like psychologically
10:50
Speaker 3: and mentally, because how are you supposed to cope with
10:53
Speaker 3: all the other normal things that twenty three year old
10:55
Speaker 3: twenty four year old deals with while also having stage
10:58
Speaker 3: four cancer while I didn't know stage one.
11:00
Speaker 2: At the time, having cancer, Yeah, and especially a rare cancer.
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Speaker 3: I went back to therapy, I think to like talk
11:07
Speaker 3: through things and unpack things. But I think also talking
11:10
Speaker 3: on TikTok and sharing videos like that has been a
11:13
Speaker 3: really helpful way for me to process everything that's going
11:16
Speaker 3: on as well. So yeah, psychologically it's been a lot.
11:19
Speaker 3: Physically it's been a lot, but there's also been a
11:21
Speaker 3: lot of good that's come from it.
11:23
Speaker 1: I want to hear about all three of those things. Yeah,
11:25
Speaker 1: tell me about the first TikTok that you posted sharing
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Speaker 1: your diagnosis.
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Speaker 3: So I had got home from the beach with my friend,
11:33
Speaker 3: and I just started bawling right when I got home,
11:36
Speaker 3: right when I was alone, because I feel like I'm
11:38
Speaker 3: not the type of person to be able to cry
11:40
Speaker 3: in front of other people, which is funny because I
11:42
Speaker 3: cry on TikTok a lot.
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Speaker 2: And obviously a lot of people see that, but.
11:45
Speaker 3: In person, I preferred to process my emotions on my own,
11:49
Speaker 3: and so I just started bawling.
11:50
Speaker 2: And then, honestly, I don't know.
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Speaker 3: What spurred me to just record a video, but I
11:55
Speaker 3: had already been posting on the app, and I'd posted
11:57
Speaker 3: kind of everything randomly, so I just said, you know,
12:01
Speaker 3: I've posted everything on here, so I'm going to say
12:04
Speaker 3: this as well. I just found out I have cancer
12:07
Speaker 3: and I posted it. I didn't think anything of it,
12:10
Speaker 3: and then that video ended up going kind of viral,
12:14
Speaker 3: and I had so many people reach out to me,
12:17
Speaker 3: so many people comment, and I think cancer, unfortunately, is
12:20
Speaker 3: just a very relatable thing. It's becoming more common, so unfortunately,
12:25
Speaker 3: a lot of people I think are able to relate
12:27
Speaker 3: to my story themselves or through their family or friends
12:30
Speaker 3: or someone they know.
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Speaker 1: How do you feel about all of the interaction around
12:37
Speaker 1: talking about your cancer. Are people helpful, have you found
12:41
Speaker 1: any information or doctors from it? Or is it emotionally exhausting?
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Speaker 3: There are a lot of feelings associated with it. It
12:48
Speaker 3: has been very helpful, I think in both directions for
12:51
Speaker 3: me and for other people, because all post videos as
12:54
Speaker 3: well from things I've learned from other people commpting like histotripsy,
12:58
Speaker 3: like these new technological advances for cancer treatment, and then
13:02
Speaker 3: I'll post my experience with it, like I looked into this,
13:05
Speaker 3: and then someone will message me or comment and say
13:09
Speaker 3: thank you so much. I had no idea this was
13:10
Speaker 3: a thing. In thanks to you, my significant other or
13:13
Speaker 3: my parent or my child was.
13:15
Speaker 2: Able to look into this.
13:16
Speaker 1: Wow.
13:17
Speaker 3: So it's amazing the amount of information you're allowed to
13:19
Speaker 3: receive and give to other people.
13:21
Speaker 2: Like it's kind of just a.
13:22
Speaker 1: Circle, it is. I see it in the comment section.
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Speaker 1: There's a TikTok that you made in your car. I
13:28
Speaker 1: have to be honest with you. I find it hard
13:30
Speaker 1: sometimes to watch other people be emotional on the internet,
13:34
Speaker 1: and I don't feel that way with you. I'm not
13:36
Speaker 1: sure why I need to unpack I know, and there's
13:40
Speaker 1: a TikTok that's in your car. You would just received
13:43
Speaker 1: some sad news. It signaled a step back, and you said,
13:47
Speaker 1: this just isn't what I thought my life was going
13:49
Speaker 1: to be. Like, what was going through your mind? What
13:51
Speaker 1: did you think pre cancer diagnosis? What did you envision?
13:55
Speaker 1: It's a great question. I said this in another TikTok.
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Speaker 3: Actually at the time in twenty twenty three, like the
14:00
Speaker 3: year I was diagnosed, I said, this has been the
14:02
Speaker 3: best year of my life, even though one of the
14:04
Speaker 3: worst things has happened, because I really found my community.
14:08
Speaker 3: I was loving my life in LA. I was going
14:10
Speaker 3: to surf crew every week, I was going to run club.
14:13
Speaker 3: I felt like I had so much community and so
14:15
Speaker 3: much happiness around me and so many good friends. And
14:18
Speaker 3: then that happened so unexpectedly, and it was kind of
14:22
Speaker 3: just like, how is it possible to have such happiness
14:24
Speaker 3: in such a good life and have that kind of
14:26
Speaker 3: feel like it's being ripped from under you. So I
14:29
Speaker 3: guess I envisioned myself staying in La probably honestly not
14:33
Speaker 3: moving to New York, and continuing to build that community,
14:36
Speaker 3: continuing to surf, continuing to run. But I have a
14:39
Speaker 3: full time job in addition to doing content, which not
14:41
Speaker 3: many people know.
14:43
Speaker 2: So doing that and yeah, definitely not this.
14:46
Speaker 1: You don't fit any of the demographic factors for colangiocarcinoma,
14:51
Speaker 1: which is bioduct cancer. You received the diagnosis at twenty three,
14:55
Speaker 1: and it's this rare cancer that people over fifty usually have.
15:00
Speaker 1: How do you reckon with the fact that you have
15:02
Speaker 1: this when the odds are so slim.
15:04
Speaker 2: I think about that so often and I'm like, how
15:07
Speaker 2: is this possible?
15:08
Speaker 3: Because I went to the Clandiocarsonoma conference this year and
15:12
Speaker 3: I spoke and everyone pretty much in the room was
15:16
Speaker 3: around fifty or over the age of fifty, and so
15:19
Speaker 3: I'm like in these group photos and I'm the youngest
15:22
Speaker 3: person there, the youngest person in the room. People would
15:24
Speaker 3: constantly come up to me and be like, you're so young,
15:27
Speaker 3: And doctors say that all the time.
15:29
Speaker 2: They're like, you're so young. When I came to New York.
15:31
Speaker 3: To MSK I memori alson Kettering to get a second
15:34
Speaker 3: opinion my oncoll just now redid all the tests that
15:37
Speaker 3: I had originally done and redid my biopsy because he
15:40
Speaker 3: was like, you don't fit these demographics, Like I have
15:43
Speaker 3: a hard time believing that you have clandiocarcinoma, and I do,
15:48
Speaker 3: and it's so hard for me to process that, like
15:50
Speaker 3: why did this happen to me at such a young age?
15:53
Speaker 3: Like I don't understand it honestly, And I think the
15:56
Speaker 3: only way I get through it is by not trying
15:58
Speaker 3: to understand it anymore, just accepting that it's what's happening
16:01
Speaker 3: right now. And you can only control your reaction things,
16:05
Speaker 3: not what's happening.
16:06
Speaker 1: So have you disassociated yes, so much?
16:09
Speaker 3: I think honestly, some of the only times I process
16:12
Speaker 3: things are when I'm talking to TikTok to my phone.
16:14
Speaker 2: They're else.
16:15
Speaker 3: I don't speak about it that often, Like I don't
16:17
Speaker 3: speak about it with my friends. I try not to
16:19
Speaker 3: speak about it with my family too often.
16:22
Speaker 2: Why.
16:23
Speaker 3: I think it's easier to pretend that it's not happening
16:25
Speaker 3: when you don't speak about it.
16:27
Speaker 2: Speaking about it almost makes it feel real.
16:29
Speaker 3: So just not talking about it, pretending that it's not happening,
16:32
Speaker 3: pretending that I can go out to dinner and go
16:34
Speaker 3: out with my friends but I'm just a normal twenty
16:37
Speaker 3: five year old. That's kind of how I get through it.
16:39
Speaker 1: I think, do you feel different from your friends. The
16:41
Speaker 1: way you talk about it is in college, you guys
16:44
Speaker 1: were like a unit. You had this group.
16:46
Speaker 3: Yes, it's hard sometimes to have normal conversations now about
16:52
Speaker 3: like dating and like normal worries of a twenty five
16:56
Speaker 3: year old, because I just feel like my worries are
16:59
Speaker 3: a lot different now, Like I don't care about.
17:01
Speaker 2: The small things as much. I care more about like
17:04
Speaker 2: life and death and like what's going to happen in
17:06
Speaker 2: the next year or so. So it is kind of hard.
17:08
Speaker 3: For me to have lighthearted conversations or you know, small
17:12
Speaker 3: talk if I'm going to like a party like something
17:15
Speaker 3: like that. It's kind of hard for me to pretend
17:17
Speaker 3: that everything's normal when something so big is happening.
17:20
Speaker 1: You wrote in your TikTok bio that you are slaying cancer. Yes,
17:24
Speaker 1: when you use that phrase, what does it mean to you?
17:27
Speaker 2: It has never had a definition to me.
17:29
Speaker 3: Really, I feel like it's more of an emotional like
17:33
Speaker 3: fortification of like I don't want to do this thing.
17:37
Speaker 3: I don't want to show up every day. I don't
17:39
Speaker 3: want to go to chemo. But regardless if I want
17:42
Speaker 3: to or not, I'm going to, So even if it's
17:45
Speaker 3: the last thing I want to do. If I say
17:48
Speaker 3: in a video like let's go slay some chemo, it
17:50
Speaker 3: kind of hypes me up and makes me more ready
17:53
Speaker 3: and prepared to go take this on, even if I
17:56
Speaker 3: don't quite feel ready.
17:58
Speaker 1: Do you see cancer as an enemy to fight or
18:02
Speaker 1: something that has forced you to look at things differently?
18:05
Speaker 2: Both?
18:06
Speaker 3: Honestly, I think more importantly probably it's forced me to
18:09
Speaker 3: look at things differently because my perspective on life, I
18:11
Speaker 3: feel like has changed so much over the past two years.
18:15
Speaker 3: But also recently I've been trying to see it more
18:17
Speaker 3: as an enemy. And I was talking to one of
18:20
Speaker 3: my friends who also had cancer in the city, and
18:24
Speaker 3: you were saying, like, what if we kind of treated
18:26
Speaker 3: it like it was this enemy, like it was this
18:28
Speaker 3: like mean person. And that kind of gave me a
18:31
Speaker 3: perspective change because I was like, Yeah, I don't want
18:34
Speaker 3: to be friends with it.
18:35
Speaker 2: I want it to be gone from my body.
18:37
Speaker 3: So treating it almost in that light has been kind
18:40
Speaker 3: of helpful because it makes me want to fight it
18:42
Speaker 3: more aggressively and like, no, you don't belong to your
18:44
Speaker 3: get out of my body. And that's been a little
18:48
Speaker 3: bit helpful to think about it in that light.
18:50
Speaker 1: It sounds like you're doing mental gymnastics always. How do
18:54
Speaker 1: you experience time right now? Does it go by fast?
18:56
Speaker 1: Does it go by slowly?
18:58
Speaker 2: It really depends on the week because my chemo weeks.
19:01
Speaker 3: So I had chemo this Monday, and it always goes
19:04
Speaker 3: so much slower after chemo because I want the day
19:08
Speaker 3: to go by, and whenever you want time to go
19:10
Speaker 3: by faster, it.
19:11
Speaker 2: Goes by slower. I feel like that's always the case.
19:14
Speaker 2: But when I'm off of chemo, like on vacation, you're
19:17
Speaker 2: on a trip, it goes by so fast, and I'm like,
19:21
Speaker 2: I wish I could just stay in this moment longer.
19:23
Speaker 2: I wish I could stay in this peaceful moment, because
19:26
Speaker 2: it feels like it's really hard to find peace these days.
19:29
Speaker 3: So it's always those peaceful times that it feels like
19:31
Speaker 3: are very fleeting.
19:32
Speaker 1: Where are you experiencing peace or joy right now?
19:36
Speaker 3: It's always by the beach because I grew up by
19:38
Speaker 3: the beach in Florida, so I think whenever I'm by
19:41
Speaker 3: the beach, and I think a lot of people feel
19:43
Speaker 3: that way.
19:43
Speaker 2: By the ocean, it's just very calming.
19:45
Speaker 1: I read on today dot Com that you were not
19:48
Speaker 1: able to freeze your eggs or take any other precautionary
19:51
Speaker 1: measures ahead of getting treatment. What does that mean for you?
19:55
Speaker 3: I actually woke up thinking about that this morning because
19:58
Speaker 3: a lot of my friends who have had cancer, because
20:01
Speaker 3: I've met a lot of people in this community, did
20:03
Speaker 3: freeze their eggs before, and I feel like for some reason,
20:06
Speaker 3: it wasn't brought to my attention that it was an
20:09
Speaker 3: important thing to do before starting chemo. I think also
20:13
Speaker 3: because we didn't know how long I was going to
20:14
Speaker 3: be in chemo for, which is now indefinitely, and I
20:17
Speaker 3: think about that very often, especially when I'm dating or
20:22
Speaker 3: trying to think about the potential of a future and
20:24
Speaker 3: a family. It makes me really anxious and sad to
20:28
Speaker 3: think about the fact that I.
20:29
Speaker 2: Didn't freeze my eggs ahead of time.
20:31
Speaker 3: Because you need at least this is what they told me,
20:33
Speaker 3: you need a couple months off of chemo, or like
20:36
Speaker 3: at least a month to be able to do the
20:38
Speaker 3: process of freezing your eggs. And I don't have that
20:40
Speaker 3: time off, so I'm not able to do it. So
20:43
Speaker 3: I'm kind of waiting for that day that hopefully I'll
20:45
Speaker 3: get a break and I'll be able to do it
20:46
Speaker 3: just so I have that safety net, a feeling like
20:49
Speaker 3: one day if I am able to have a family,
20:51
Speaker 3: and I want to have a family, I do have
20:52
Speaker 3: that potential, which obviously there are other ways like adoption,
20:56
Speaker 3: IVF and stuff, but it is something that I wish
20:58
Speaker 3: I had done ahead of time.
21:00
Speaker 1: I like that you're thinking about a future though, I know.
21:02
Speaker 3: I mean it's important too, I think to have something
21:05
Speaker 3: to hold on to and to like fight.
21:07
Speaker 1: For, you know, absolutely, yeah, So talk to me about
21:11
Speaker 1: your regimen right now? What does your day to day
21:14
Speaker 1: look like when you are experiencing chemo.
21:17
Speaker 2: I wake up, I do my get ready with me
21:19
Speaker 2: for chemo Ghostla.
21:20
Speaker 3: In chemo, my mom will normally come with me, and
21:24
Speaker 3: then we go home and I try to work. I
21:26
Speaker 3: work remotely, so I work remotely as much as I can,
21:30
Speaker 3: and then I sleep the rest of the time. And
21:33
Speaker 3: I really am just waiting for those two or three
21:35
Speaker 3: days to pass to where I start to.
21:37
Speaker 2: Feel normal again.
21:38
Speaker 3: Like today, I feel like I woke up and I
21:39
Speaker 3: started to feel a little bit more like myself again, and.
21:42
Speaker 2: That's just the best feeling. Once I start to come
21:44
Speaker 2: back to myself, the.
21:45
Speaker 3: Brain fog starts to go away and I start to
21:47
Speaker 3: feel like Sitney again.
21:48
Speaker 2: That's like the best feeling.
22:03
Speaker 1: So you underwent five months of treatment, and then your
22:07
Speaker 1: progress allowed you to undergo surgery, which had been the
22:10
Speaker 1: initial goal. Correct, So in January of twenty twenty four,
22:13
Speaker 1: you had a liver resection is that what it's called,
22:16
Speaker 1: and your gallbladder was removed, and then you had several
22:19
Speaker 1: abdominal lymph nodes taken out. Yes, and the plan was
22:22
Speaker 1: to resume chemo afterward, but there was a combination of
22:25
Speaker 1: positive margins which means residual cancer cells, and your white
22:28
Speaker 1: blood cell count that never really rebounded. So what happened
22:32
Speaker 1: after that?
22:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I went back and I had one session
22:36
Speaker 3: of chemo, and then they looked at my blood work
22:39
Speaker 3: the next time and they were like, we can't give
22:41
Speaker 3: you chemo.
22:42
Speaker 2: Your numbers are too low.
22:43
Speaker 3: And hearing that, I think for any cancer patient is
22:46
Speaker 3: one of the worst things you can hear. I've had
22:47
Speaker 3: other people tell me that too, which is a weird
22:51
Speaker 3: thing to say, because you hate going to chemo so much.
22:54
Speaker 3: When they tell you that you can't get it, it
22:56
Speaker 3: feels like the world is ending a little bit, because we.
22:59
Speaker 2: Know how important it is. To get chemo every week
23:01
Speaker 2: and to like stay on a regimen.
23:02
Speaker 3: So hearing that I think, I like had a break
23:05
Speaker 3: down at the time, like we're stopping chemo, we're pausing chemo.
23:08
Speaker 3: It was nice, like I was like, I get a break,
23:10
Speaker 3: but it was also like, I know that I should
23:12
Speaker 3: be getting chemo. I know that that's the right thing
23:14
Speaker 3: to be doing at this time if I want to
23:16
Speaker 3: keep making like progress. So that was really hard to
23:19
Speaker 3: deal with at the time, but it was also nice
23:21
Speaker 3: because I got to enjoy my summer with my friends,
23:23
Speaker 3: and I'll think about it, you know.
23:25
Speaker 1: That was this summer. That was last summer, okay, and
23:28
Speaker 1: then what happened in the fall.
23:30
Speaker 3: So I went in for updated CT scans and it
23:33
Speaker 3: showed a nodule on my liver and we weren't sure
23:37
Speaker 3: at the time if that was scar tissue or if
23:39
Speaker 3: that was a tumor. Son we waited another month and
23:41
Speaker 3: did follow up scans and it had grown, which meant
23:44
Speaker 3: that it was cancer. And so seeing that it was
23:48
Speaker 3: increasing in size was also kind of a moment of
23:50
Speaker 3: like I need to kick things into gear, like clearly
23:53
Speaker 3: this isn't working. And that's when I started to also
23:56
Speaker 3: look at Memorial Stonecuttering and like alternative treatment.
23:59
Speaker 1: And is that the reason moved to New York.
24:01
Speaker 2: That's a major reason. Yeah.
24:03
Speaker 3: I also wanted to be closer to my family and
24:05
Speaker 3: my friends, because most of my college friends live in
24:08
Speaker 3: New York and my family's also on the East Coast.
24:11
Speaker 3: So it was a combination of wanting better treatment but
24:15
Speaker 3: also wanting to be close to the people that knew
24:17
Speaker 3: me the best and know me longest.
24:19
Speaker 1: How important is it to be at a specific hospital.
24:23
Speaker 2: It's very important.
24:25
Speaker 3: I've talked to so many people with different types of
24:27
Speaker 3: cancer and my cancer who have said, oh, this small
24:31
Speaker 3: local hospital I originally went to had never seen clangoparsonoma,
24:35
Speaker 3: so they had no idea what to look for.
24:37
Speaker 2: People have been misdiagnosed based on that. So getting to a.
24:42
Speaker 3: Hospital that specializes, especially in the cancer that you have,
24:45
Speaker 3: is so critical. To have someone who's used to seeing
24:49
Speaker 3: your cancer, who's used to treating it, who has plenty
24:52
Speaker 3: of background knowledge, I think is critical.
24:54
Speaker 1: Yeah, you shared your struggle online about remaining positive and
24:59
Speaker 1: then also trying to find the balance of feeling all
25:02
Speaker 1: of the feelings and the sadness and the grief that
25:05
Speaker 1: comes with this. How do you allow yourself to feel
25:09
Speaker 1: the dark days but not get swallowed up by them.
25:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a great question.
25:14
Speaker 3: I think I've obviously had a hard time dealing with
25:17
Speaker 3: that as well, because it is a sad thing that's happening.
25:20
Speaker 3: You know, even if I am positive most of the time,
25:22
Speaker 3: it is still a really hard thing to go through.
25:25
Speaker 3: And I think one of the quotes I've heard that's
25:28
Speaker 3: helped me a lot is that emotion is energy and motion,
25:31
Speaker 3: and so if you try to stop it, it's like
25:33
Speaker 3: it'll just get stuffed down and ultimately it's all still
25:37
Speaker 3: going to come back up sometimes, So allowing myself to
25:40
Speaker 3: kind of picture it as a wave, the sadness is
25:42
Speaker 3: like hitting me as a wave. But I just have
25:44
Speaker 3: to let it go and feel it and process it
25:47
Speaker 3: and then it'll move on. I think that's the most
25:49
Speaker 3: helpful thing, just letting yourself feel whatever it is that
25:52
Speaker 3: you're feeling, like, not trying to stuf it down, not
25:54
Speaker 3: trying to be positive.
25:56
Speaker 2: All the time. But I try not to do that.
25:58
Speaker 3: I try to post also the sad time, because I
26:00
Speaker 3: know that, like, no one's happy all the time, and
26:03
Speaker 3: I think that's what also people relate to is that
26:05
Speaker 3: I'm not happy and positive all the time. I'm also
26:08
Speaker 3: definitely sad and feeling all the emotions that.
26:11
Speaker 2: Are going on.
26:11
Speaker 1: Even in your saddest moments, there's a lot of hope
26:14
Speaker 1: in your videos.
26:15
Speaker 3: I honestly don't know where it comes from. There's no
26:18
Speaker 3: other way, I think for me to deal with this
26:20
Speaker 3: than being hopeful. Like I just don't see an alternative
26:23
Speaker 3: to being like positive, because I mean, I'm either going
26:26
Speaker 3: to get through it, I'm not.
26:27
Speaker 2: How I get there is up to me.
26:29
Speaker 1: So the nausea, the exhaustion, the roller coaster of all
26:32
Speaker 1: of this. Is there something you're saying to yourself when
26:35
Speaker 1: you feel like you're at your wits end you can't
26:37
Speaker 1: go on?
26:38
Speaker 3: I always have said to myself since the beginning, this
26:41
Speaker 3: too shall pass. Every time I'm at like the deepest,
26:44
Speaker 3: darkest part, I'm like, you have been through the ringer,
26:48
Speaker 3: you have been through the worst days, and you've still
26:51
Speaker 3: gone past it, and you've still had so many happy
26:54
Speaker 3: moments after those really dark days, sometimes immediately after those
26:58
Speaker 3: dark days, you know. And so I'm always just reminding
27:01
Speaker 3: myself that even if it feels like you're not going
27:04
Speaker 3: to get through it. You have gotten through it endless time,
27:06
Speaker 3: so you can do it again. It does get harder,
27:09
Speaker 3: honestly as time goes on, because it's like, how many
27:12
Speaker 3: times do I have to keep picking myself back up
27:15
Speaker 3: and getting over that hurdle. So as time goes on,
27:18
Speaker 3: it has gotten more difficult to just keep telling myself
27:21
Speaker 3: that this is going to pass, this is going to pass.
27:23
Speaker 1: There's a lot of mental fortitude involved with what you're dealing.
27:26
Speaker 3: With, Definitely. I mean I think for myself and for
27:30
Speaker 3: the people around me too. It's a huge mental I
27:33
Speaker 3: don't want to say burden, but it is really hard
27:35
Speaker 3: I think for everyone to deal with.
27:37
Speaker 2: Definitely for me. Yeah, when you.
27:38
Speaker 1: Say everyone around you, the main people in your life
27:41
Speaker 1: are your mom and your brother.
27:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, my mom and.
27:43
Speaker 3: My brother, and then my best friends that are here
27:45
Speaker 3: and also in LA it's hard because they don't talk
27:48
Speaker 3: about it as much.
27:48
Speaker 2: With me. I think people want.
27:50
Speaker 3: To be strong for you, like no one wants to
27:52
Speaker 3: show that they're also feeling these heavy feelings too, so
27:57
Speaker 3: them being strong, I don't see the emotions behind behind
28:00
Speaker 3: it for most of the people in my life.
28:02
Speaker 1: Is that helpful for you or do you wish that
28:04
Speaker 1: they would show it a little bit.
28:05
Speaker 3: It's helpful for me most of the time because it
28:08
Speaker 3: allows me to pretend that everything's fine when everyone else is.
28:12
Speaker 2: Also pretending things are fine.
28:14
Speaker 3: But sometimes I think I do wish that I was
28:18
Speaker 3: more emotional with the people that I love, and that
28:21
Speaker 3: would probably allow them to be more emotional with me
28:23
Speaker 3: in return to just so that we could actually acknowledge
28:27
Speaker 3: it and maybe like talk through some things that we
28:29
Speaker 3: probably are kind of pushing to the side to put
28:33
Speaker 3: on a brave face.
28:34
Speaker 1: Have you lost any relationships or have you fired any
28:37
Speaker 1: friends in this process?
28:39
Speaker 2: That's a good question.
28:40
Speaker 3: People always say that when you're going through something like this,
28:44
Speaker 3: you see who really matters and people will show up
28:47
Speaker 3: for you, And that's definitely been the case.
28:50
Speaker 2: I've seen.
28:51
Speaker 3: You know who reaches out, and it is also unexpected
28:55
Speaker 3: to see who reaches out, like people from your past
28:58
Speaker 3: or people that you maybe thought were more acquaintances or
29:01
Speaker 3: you didn't know as well, that will show up for
29:03
Speaker 3: you in the biggest ways.
29:05
Speaker 1: I got chills when you said that.
29:06
Speaker 3: Yeah, and even like strangers on the street will come
29:09
Speaker 3: up to me and give me a hug and be like,
29:11
Speaker 3: you're basically my daughter, and I'm like, that's crazy that
29:15
Speaker 3: people that I've never met before have so much love
29:19
Speaker 3: for me. That's hard to process for me, Like, I
29:22
Speaker 3: honestly can't process that.
29:24
Speaker 2: It's so crazy.
29:25
Speaker 1: If you could point to one or two examples of
29:28
Speaker 1: the most beautiful and even unexpected ways people have shown up.
29:31
Speaker 3: For you, one of the biggest ways is when people
29:34
Speaker 3: that I went to school with or people that I've
29:37
Speaker 3: met kind of briefly will say, can I come to
29:40
Speaker 3: chemo with you? I think that's so sweet that you
29:42
Speaker 3: would want to come and sit in a hospital with
29:45
Speaker 3: me while I'm getting treatment. Like, nobody really wants to
29:47
Speaker 3: be in a hospital. Nobody wants to see someone else
29:49
Speaker 3: getting chemo. It's kind of a sad thing to watch.
29:53
Speaker 3: So when people offer to come with me, I think
29:56
Speaker 3: that's really sweet. And at the same time, I never
29:59
Speaker 3: want people to come with me. I only ever really
30:01
Speaker 3: want my family to because I don't want people to
30:04
Speaker 3: see me that way.
30:05
Speaker 1: Would you feel like you have to perform for them?
30:07
Speaker 2: Yeah?
30:07
Speaker 3: I do feel like with my mom coming, I don't
30:10
Speaker 3: have to put on a brave face.
30:11
Speaker 2: I don't have to be positive, I don't have to
30:14
Speaker 2: be happy.
30:14
Speaker 3: I can just kind of sit there and let myself
30:18
Speaker 3: go through the treatment. Yeah, but I feel like almost
30:21
Speaker 3: if I was around my friends, if I was around acquaintances,
30:24
Speaker 3: I do kind of have to be a more happy
30:27
Speaker 3: version of myself in a sense, or a more energetic
30:30
Speaker 3: version of myself, like hold.
30:32
Speaker 2: A conversation and things like that.
30:34
Speaker 1: What have you learned about your own resilience?
30:37
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, so much.
30:38
Speaker 3: I feel like I had no idea how much my
30:41
Speaker 3: body was capable of before this. I had never been
30:45
Speaker 3: tested in this way, never had a broken bone, never
30:48
Speaker 3: gotten stunned by a bee, and then going through such
30:52
Speaker 3: a huge physical challenge like this and knowing that my
30:55
Speaker 3: body keeps coming back for me, it makes me so
30:58
Speaker 3: proud of it, and I'm like, the human boss is amazing.
31:01
Speaker 3: To go through so much and to still be here
31:04
Speaker 3: and to be fighting every single day, I'm very proud
31:07
Speaker 3: of I.
31:07
Speaker 2: Think my body as a whole.
31:09
Speaker 3: And obviously there is a lot of mental resilience required, because,
31:14
Speaker 3: as we've talked about, you have to show up for
31:15
Speaker 3: yourself every single day, Like even if you're having an
31:18
Speaker 3: off day, you're still showing up for yourself because you're
31:21
Speaker 3: still pushing through.
31:21
Speaker 2: You're still waiting to get to the other side.
31:24
Speaker 3: You're for surprise yourself. Yeah, I think every time I
31:27
Speaker 3: finished chemo. Every time at the end of the week,
31:29
Speaker 3: I'm surprised for myself because I'm like, you did it again,
31:32
Speaker 3: you got through it. And it's so hard, especially to
31:36
Speaker 3: know that it's indefinite, like there's not a finish line.
31:39
Speaker 3: And I just made a video yesterday saying like it
31:42
Speaker 3: feels like I'm on a treadmill, and it feels like
31:45
Speaker 3: the destination that I'm running to just keeps getting further
31:47
Speaker 3: and further away. And it's so hard to deal with that,
31:52
Speaker 3: deal with not having a definite ending and just knowing
31:54
Speaker 3: that I have to keep going back week after week
31:58
Speaker 3: and dealing with this.
31:59
Speaker 2: It's really tough.
32:00
Speaker 1: What does indefinite mean?
32:02
Speaker 3: Indefinite means that we're crossing our fingers and hoping for
32:07
Speaker 3: a day where I can get surgery again. But it's
32:10
Speaker 3: really weird to also now have a pump in my
32:12
Speaker 3: body and to know that's kind of there forever potentially,
32:16
Speaker 3: to know that my body is maybe forever changed or
32:18
Speaker 3: it is forever changed by a lot of what's happened,
32:21
Speaker 3: but by the pump specifically, and just not having that
32:24
Speaker 3: end date in mind that like you'll do X amount
32:27
Speaker 3: of chemo and you'll be good.
32:28
Speaker 2: It's not like that.
32:29
Speaker 3: It's like, we'll see what happens, and we'll keep doing
32:32
Speaker 3: chemo until we can't do it anymore.
32:47
Speaker 1: You posted the other day a photo of your stomach. Yeah,
32:51
Speaker 1: and you have a big scar that kind of like
32:53
Speaker 1: lines the center of your stomach. I'll tell you my
32:56
Speaker 1: first reaction. I thought warrior. I thought that's a battle wound,
33:00
Speaker 1: and it's a physical manifestation of her fight. When you
33:05
Speaker 1: look at it, what do you feel?
33:06
Speaker 3: Honestly, I feel like I got so used to the
33:09
Speaker 3: scar because I've had it for over a year at
33:11
Speaker 3: this point.
33:12
Speaker 2: That I think it's kind of bad ass. I agree
33:14
Speaker 2: that shows what I've been through.
33:16
Speaker 3: It shows like all the fight that I've had to
33:18
Speaker 3: go through, you know. But now it's been a huge
33:21
Speaker 3: adjustment to look down at the pump and see this
33:24
Speaker 3: new thing sticking out of my body that is not
33:26
Speaker 3: there for most people that has been I think more
33:29
Speaker 3: of an adjustment because everyone has scars, but I feel
33:33
Speaker 3: like this is something that's a little more unusual. I
33:36
Speaker 3: was just in Florida on vacation and wearing a bathing suit,
33:38
Speaker 3: and little kids are curious and they don't have the
33:42
Speaker 3: same ability to hide, you know, what they're thinking or feeling.
33:45
Speaker 3: And so I had a lot of little kids like
33:48
Speaker 3: staring at my stomach and asking their parents like what
33:50
Speaker 3: is that?
33:51
Speaker 2: Like what's going on there?
33:52
Speaker 3: And so for me that's a constant reminder like, oh,
33:56
Speaker 3: there is something unusual going on. But I had a
34:00
Speaker 3: friend to reach out to me after being in Florida
34:02
Speaker 3: and she was like, curiosity is the best thing because
34:05
Speaker 3: who knows if someone's curiosity is going to lead them
34:08
Speaker 3: to finding out that this exists for them too, that
34:11
Speaker 3: this exists for their family member, that something that you've
34:14
Speaker 3: had to go through can help them potentially or someone
34:17
Speaker 3: that they know.
34:18
Speaker 2: So now I'm like, this is amazing.
34:20
Speaker 3: This is a cool thing that I have and it's
34:22
Speaker 3: helping me and it could help someone else. So that's
34:24
Speaker 3: how I'm trying to reframe it.
34:26
Speaker 1: I like that perspective shift.
34:27
Speaker 3: It's not easy, Yeah, it's not easy, but it's so
34:30
Speaker 3: helpful because the alternative is me being worried about it.
34:33
Speaker 3: And so if I could turn it into a positive,
34:36
Speaker 3: that's like exponentially better.
34:38
Speaker 1: So a lot of what we've talked about is like
34:40
Speaker 1: the physical manifestation of what cancer has done to your body.
34:45
Speaker 1: But there's a lot of grief here, and I can
34:47
Speaker 1: imagine a lot of loneliness. What has been the biggest
34:50
Speaker 1: fight for you in all of this.
34:53
Speaker 3: I think it is probably that feeling of loneliness.
34:56
Speaker 2: I think loneliness is one of the worst.
34:58
Speaker 3: Emotional feelings that someone can experience. It has gotten a
35:03
Speaker 3: lot better over time because I've met so many young
35:05
Speaker 3: people with cancer who can relate to what I'm going through.
35:08
Speaker 3: Because of me posting on social media and being vulnerable,
35:12
Speaker 3: I've been able to meet so many people who have
35:13
Speaker 3: felt the exact same things as me, and that has
35:16
Speaker 3: been so helpful. I think if I had never posted
35:20
Speaker 3: and just gone through this, I would have felt.
35:22
Speaker 2: A lot more alone, just.
35:24
Speaker 3: Because none of my other friends are going through this.
35:27
Speaker 3: It's such a hard thing to relate to unless you're
35:29
Speaker 3: going through it yourself. You can maybe grieve with someone,
35:33
Speaker 3: you can try to relate to them, but you can't
35:36
Speaker 3: experience it the same way.
35:38
Speaker 1: I think about who I was at twenty five, and
35:41
Speaker 1: it's an interesting age because you've had a few years
35:44
Speaker 1: post college and so you're watching your friends get first
35:48
Speaker 1: or second jobs and have fights with their boyfriends and
35:52
Speaker 1: feel frustrated and they don't know how to deal with it.
35:55
Speaker 1: Or some people are going on dates and there's like
35:59
Speaker 1: wild nights in Brooklyn I can't imagine, and just normal
36:04
Speaker 1: twenty five year old stuff. Yeah, and I read a
36:08
Speaker 1: piece that you wrote in Cosmo where you talked about
36:12
Speaker 1: how it's so difficult to kind of have this very
36:17
Speaker 1: similar and different experience than them. Do you feel like
36:20
Speaker 1: time has been stolen from you?
36:22
Speaker 3: It's hard to not feel like it has, especially when
36:26
Speaker 3: I'm at chemo and I'm like sleeping off the week.
36:29
Speaker 3: It feels like time is being wasted, especially when I
36:31
Speaker 3: have so much a greater awareness of time now, where
36:34
Speaker 3: it feels like time is more precious now. And then
36:37
Speaker 3: I see my friends going out and having fun, and
36:40
Speaker 3: I do try to go with them sometimes, but I'm
36:43
Speaker 3: normally in bed by midnight, you know, when they're still out,
36:47
Speaker 3: and that's really sad. Like I see them having fun,
36:50
Speaker 3: I see them with their boyfriends and progressing their relationships
36:54
Speaker 3: and people getting engaged, and I'm not even in a relationship.
36:58
Speaker 3: I wouldn't even say I'm dating honestly, like, I try to,
37:01
Speaker 3: but it's really hard to date while you're actively going
37:05
Speaker 3: through chemo and you have cancer, because it's not something
37:08
Speaker 3: that I would just casually bring up to someone that
37:11
Speaker 3: I don't really.
37:12
Speaker 2: Know that well.
37:12
Speaker 1: You know, are you wanting to date?
37:15
Speaker 2: I am wanting to date. Yeah, it's not my priority
37:18
Speaker 2: right now.
37:18
Speaker 3: And honestly, I feel like being single the past couple
37:22
Speaker 3: of years and focusing so much on myself because of
37:25
Speaker 3: this has been so immensely helpful, honestly, like, I've learned
37:29
Speaker 3: so much more about myself and who I am to
37:33
Speaker 3: the point where I like myself and I like being alone.
37:37
Speaker 3: So while I do like it, it's like I also
37:40
Speaker 3: do miss that comfort of having someone. And I see
37:44
Speaker 3: my friends with their boyfriends and I love it. I
37:47
Speaker 3: love it for them, but it also makes me kind
37:49
Speaker 3: of sad because I'm like I'm the fifth wheel, or
37:53
Speaker 3: like I wish I had someone else to share these
37:55
Speaker 3: experiences with too, honestly, like to find comfort in.
37:59
Speaker 1: Do you find that when you are dating that people
38:02
Speaker 1: understand what's happening. You're saying, no way.
38:06
Speaker 3: It's honestly hard for me to conceptualize as well, because
38:09
Speaker 3: I couldn't imagine if I was on the other end
38:12
Speaker 3: and I had just started dating someone and they told
38:14
Speaker 3: me that they had stage four cancer.
38:16
Speaker 2: Honestly, I don't know how I would react.
38:18
Speaker 3: I don't know if it would change my opinion at
38:19
Speaker 3: all or my perspective, but I think it has to
38:23
Speaker 3: in some way. Like you're dealing with someone who has
38:27
Speaker 3: something going on that's very physically and mentally challenging, and
38:31
Speaker 3: to know that you're probably not going to be the
38:32
Speaker 3: priority in their life that you have to support them,
38:35
Speaker 3: I can imagine must be really difficult. So if someone
38:39
Speaker 3: does step away, if someone hears that I have cancer
38:42
Speaker 3: and is like, I don't want to be involved, I
38:43
Speaker 3: honestly don't blame them, because it's a really big thing
38:46
Speaker 3: to take on. As anyone that's close in my life.
38:49
Speaker 1: Knows, has this experience changed what you're looking for in love?
38:53
Speaker 2: I think it has.
38:54
Speaker 3: I think more than anything, I need to be one
38:56
Speaker 3: hundred percent comfortable with someone. I feel like you kind
39:00
Speaker 3: of can get an initial vibe off someone right away
39:02
Speaker 3: if you feel comfortable with them or not. And I
39:05
Speaker 3: think now, if I don't feel one hundred percent comfortable
39:07
Speaker 3: with someone, I would just move on because that's what
39:11
Speaker 3: is most important to me, is someone who I can
39:12
Speaker 3: be one hundred percent myself around, because there are so
39:15
Speaker 3: many bad days with this too. I want someone who's
39:18
Speaker 3: going to be able to be there on the worst
39:20
Speaker 3: days and not care and not judge me, and like,
39:24
Speaker 3: just be there for me.
39:26
Speaker 1: Have you been in love before?
39:27
Speaker 2: I think I have been in love before.
39:29
Speaker 3: Yeah, in college, my last relationship, which is weird because
39:33
Speaker 3: thinking about it, I haven't been in a relationship since then,
39:35
Speaker 3: throughout this whole time, So it's kind of strange to
39:38
Speaker 3: think about the fact that it's been a while since
39:40
Speaker 3: I've been in love with.
39:42
Speaker 2: A romantic partner.
39:43
Speaker 3: But it also has allowed me to find love in
39:46
Speaker 3: so many other ways, Like I feel like I love
39:49
Speaker 3: my friends so much, and I love my family, and
39:52
Speaker 3: I love life so much, and I feel like I've
39:56
Speaker 3: learned throughout this experience that love doesn't necessarily need to
39:59
Speaker 3: be in a real antic partner, can be for yourself,
40:01
Speaker 3: or for your friends, or for life itself.
40:05
Speaker 1: In an essay in Cosma that you wrote, you said,
40:08
Speaker 1: my friends are settling down, wondering when they'll take the
40:10
Speaker 1: next steps with their boyfriends and making their five year plans.
40:13
Speaker 1: I wonder if I'll be here in five years. Have
40:16
Speaker 1: you had conversations about death?
40:18
Speaker 2: Honestly, not really.
40:19
Speaker 3: I feel like, not necessarily that I'm superstitious, but I
40:23
Speaker 3: feel like I don't want to speak about something that
40:26
Speaker 3: may or may not happen.
40:27
Speaker 2: I'd rather just focus on the positives.
40:30
Speaker 3: So I think I maybe once mentioned to my mom
40:33
Speaker 3: that I should write a wall, just because I wanted
40:36
Speaker 3: there to be some sort of sense of security. But
40:38
Speaker 3: for the most part, no, we don't talk about it
40:40
Speaker 3: at all.
40:40
Speaker 2: We talk about life.
40:41
Speaker 3: We talk about living and dating and all the fun
40:43
Speaker 3: things that I think twenty five year olds don't really
40:47
Speaker 3: to talk about.
40:47
Speaker 1: In this series, I get to talk to people from
40:50
Speaker 1: all walks of life, and a lot of the questions
40:53
Speaker 1: that you're facing are questions that I've asked or have
40:59
Speaker 1: heard people out themselves that are seventy eighty ninety What
41:04
Speaker 1: have you learned about what is important about life?
41:08
Speaker 3: I think the small things have become so small. I
41:12
Speaker 3: think that there's just been a lot of clarity on
41:15
Speaker 3: what's the most important in life, And to me, that's love,
41:19
Speaker 3: that's relationships, your friendships, and so those are the things
41:22
Speaker 3: that I care about. I try not to sweat the
41:24
Speaker 3: small stuff anymore. I try not to be anxious about
41:26
Speaker 3: what's happened in the past.
41:27
Speaker 2: And I think we talked a.
41:28
Speaker 3: Little bit about being present, and I think that being
41:32
Speaker 3: present has been one of the biggest lessons for me,
41:33
Speaker 3: is enjoying this moment because none of.
41:36
Speaker 2: Us know what's going to happen.
41:37
Speaker 3: It's not just people with cancer, but like none of
41:39
Speaker 3: us know what the next day is going to hold.
41:42
Speaker 3: So there's no point in stressing over that. And there's
41:44
Speaker 3: no point stressing over things that have happened in your
41:46
Speaker 3: past because you.
41:47
Speaker 2: Can't change them.
41:48
Speaker 3: So I think I've learned so much about being present
41:52
Speaker 3: and being in this moment and trying to enjoy it
41:54
Speaker 3: as much as possible.
41:56
Speaker 1: I see your courage online every single day. I know
41:59
Speaker 1: millions of people do. But your mom and your brother
42:01
Speaker 1: have been with you upfront through all of this. How
42:05
Speaker 1: have they shown up for you in this time.
42:08
Speaker 3: I was just talking to my mom yesterday on the phone,
42:10
Speaker 3: and we were talking about cold capping, which is a
42:13
Speaker 3: very intense process that some chemo patients will go through
42:17
Speaker 3: to save their hair. But she showed up every chemo
42:20
Speaker 3: session we would have to go get fifty pounds of
42:22
Speaker 3: dry ice. She would have to do every twenty minutes
42:25
Speaker 3: change these giant ice packs on my head for around
42:30
Speaker 3: six hours every chemo session. And she came out to
42:34
Speaker 3: California for me, you know, took a break from her
42:37
Speaker 3: job and showed up to be there for me so
42:41
Speaker 3: that she could cold cap and so that she could
42:43
Speaker 3: be there for mental support as well.
42:45
Speaker 2: And my brother has come to chemo with me as well.
42:48
Speaker 3: And they always are offering to do whatever they can.
42:52
Speaker 3: And it's really hard to know what you can do
42:54
Speaker 3: for someone in this situation, but they're always there for me,
42:58
Speaker 3: and I think that's the biggest thing.
43:00
Speaker 1: Is there something that you believed about life before this
43:03
Speaker 1: journey that you no longer believed to be true?
43:05
Speaker 3: I think before I believed that everything happens for a reason,
43:10
Speaker 3: and I think a lot of people that go through
43:11
Speaker 3: cancer will tell you everything does not happen for a reason.
43:16
Speaker 3: And I think when people say that now, it's like,
43:18
Speaker 3: that's just not true. Things can happen, maybe to teach
43:21
Speaker 3: you something or maybe you learn from it, but that
43:23
Speaker 3: doesn't mean that it was supposed to happen. And I
43:25
Speaker 3: think that cancer is not supposed to happen anyone. So
43:28
Speaker 3: I think that's probably one of the biggest things that
43:30
Speaker 3: has changed.
43:31
Speaker 1: I've heard that a lot. There's a lot of sort
43:33
Speaker 1: of moral platitudes that people share when something hard happens.
43:38
Speaker 1: And everybody that I've talked to that has dealt with
43:41
Speaker 1: illness is like, literally, don't like you know, that's like
43:47
Speaker 1: what actually makes them the most mad?
43:48
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean yeah, because I would say that before too.
43:51
Speaker 3: I would be like, oh, this bad thing happened to me, Well,
43:54
Speaker 3: you know what, it was probably for a reason. I
43:56
Speaker 3: don't think that there was a reason for this, but
43:58
Speaker 3: that doesn't mean that I haven't learned things from it.
44:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, So cancer diagnosis in young, seemingly healthy people are
44:05
Speaker 1: on the rise. If you had one takeaway from this
44:08
Speaker 1: experience that you would want young people who receive a
44:12
Speaker 1: diagnosis to know, what would it be.
44:14
Speaker 3: I think the most important thing that I've learned over
44:16
Speaker 3: the past two years is to seek out second opinions
44:20
Speaker 3: and third opinions and fourth opinions if you can, because
44:24
Speaker 3: the way that the first doctor will treat you or
44:27
Speaker 3: give you a treatment plan for is not the same
44:30
Speaker 3: as the next person. And I think that's been really
44:33
Speaker 3: critical for me, especially with a rare cancer, is finding
44:36
Speaker 3: someone who knows it very well, is able to see
44:39
Speaker 3: it from all angles and have also multiple perspectives to
44:43
Speaker 3: go into it and know that I'm getting the best
44:44
Speaker 3: treatment possible, because I think one of the worst feelings
44:47
Speaker 3: that I've had is looking back and feeling like I
44:49
Speaker 3: regret not being more proactive. And it's very difficult as
44:54
Speaker 3: a young person to want to be so proactive and
44:58
Speaker 3: want to seek out all these opinions. It takes a
45:00
Speaker 3: lot on top of really challenging diagnosis, but it is
45:03
Speaker 3: I think one of the most critical things as well.
45:06
Speaker 1: Thanks for sharing that. Have you met anybody that you
45:08
Speaker 1: feel really connected to.
45:10
Speaker 3: Other cancer patients, especially younger ones like people my age.
45:15
Speaker 3: It's honestly crazy to meet them and to talk about
45:18
Speaker 3: the experiences because they're so eerily similar. It's honestly a
45:22
Speaker 3: breath of fresh air because it's like, you know what
45:23
Speaker 3: I'm going through, Like you know the exact feelings that
45:26
Speaker 3: I'm having. You know the anxiety of will my hair
45:29
Speaker 3: fall out? Will I be able to have children one day?
45:32
Speaker 3: Like you know every worry that I've had. Yeah, So
45:34
Speaker 3: that's been like honestly, such an amazing source of connection
45:39
Speaker 3: for me.
45:52
Speaker 1: So you mentioned earlier that sharing can be cathartic for you.
45:55
Speaker 1: Part of your story that no one expected was that
45:59
Speaker 1: there would be people that out in your story. So
46:01
Speaker 1: you caught the attention of a very strange corner of
46:04
Speaker 1: the Internet where people gathered in Reddit forums to try
46:07
Speaker 1: and prove that you did not have cancer. Just for
46:10
Speaker 1: the record, you do and you did have cancer. But
46:13
Speaker 1: how did you become aware of this?
46:15
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I was actually with my brother. I had
46:17
Speaker 3: gone home, I think for Christmas, for the holidays, and
46:21
Speaker 3: he offhand mentioned, oh, that Reddit page, and I thought
46:25
Speaker 3: he was joking because I had only heard of Reddit
46:27
Speaker 3: pages in the context.
46:28
Speaker 2: Of like celebrities.
46:30
Speaker 3: So I was like, what possibly could people be having
46:33
Speaker 3: to say about me? All I do is post, you know,
46:36
Speaker 3: because of me going to chemo and talking about like
46:38
Speaker 3: the struggles that I'm experiencing. So I was kind of
46:41
Speaker 3: in shock when you first said that, and I think
46:43
Speaker 3: he didn't know that it would have such an impact.
46:45
Speaker 2: On me at the time. But then I of course
46:47
Speaker 2: went and looked.
46:48
Speaker 3: At it right away, because even though I think all
46:50
Speaker 3: of us would rather not see bad things about ourselves online.
46:54
Speaker 3: We're all curious, and so I went on pretty much
46:58
Speaker 3: right away and saw that people were saying that I
47:00
Speaker 3: was faking it because I still had hair, because I
47:03
Speaker 3: was still going out and hanging out with my friends,
47:06
Speaker 3: because I was still exercising, and I was in complete shock,
47:10
Speaker 3: and I honestly felt like I had to prove myself.
47:14
Speaker 3: I was like, I have to prove that I have cancer,
47:16
Speaker 3: which sounds so silly that you would ever have to prove.
47:19
Speaker 2: That to people online. But when you do post online.
47:22
Speaker 3: I think you are subject to criticism, unfortunately, and a
47:27
Speaker 3: lot more than you would otherwise be if you were
47:29
Speaker 3: just going through it normally.
47:30
Speaker 1: So you got a doctor's note, and then the New
47:33
Speaker 1: York Times did a piece on you about the whole situation.
47:37
Speaker 1: How did you feel when the piece came out?
47:39
Speaker 3: I honestly felt like a little bit of a weight
47:42
Speaker 3: had been lifted off my shoulders because I felt like
47:45
Speaker 3: I had been thinking about for so long, how do
47:47
Speaker 3: I prove that I'm going through this. I already show
47:50
Speaker 3: that I'm going to chemo every week. I already show
47:52
Speaker 3: myself with like the infusion actively going in. I was like,
47:55
Speaker 3: how can I possibly change people's minds who clearly just
47:59
Speaker 3: don't want their minds to be changed.
48:01
Speaker 2: They have this really strong belief.
48:03
Speaker 3: So once there was the definitive someone else had seen
48:07
Speaker 3: me go to chemo, had gone with me, had talked
48:09
Speaker 3: to my doctor, and had proven that yes, she does
48:14
Speaker 3: have cancer, that was kind of like a sigh of relief.
48:17
Speaker 1: This is one of the strangest stories. It must have
48:19
Speaker 1: felt so bizarre.
48:21
Speaker 3: It was so weird to live through on top of
48:23
Speaker 3: also going to chemo. Yeah, because I was already like,
48:27
Speaker 3: this is such a mental challenge to go through every
48:30
Speaker 3: day just having cancer, but then add another layer on
48:34
Speaker 3: top of having to try to prove that you have
48:36
Speaker 3: cancer or to question that everything you're posting. When you're
48:40
Speaker 3: sad and you're posting you crying, people are saying that
48:43
Speaker 3: it's fake. When you're happy, people are saying that it's
48:45
Speaker 3: too positive and it's toxic positivity. It's like, how can
48:49
Speaker 3: I just show up as myself and not be criticized
48:52
Speaker 3: or judged for it.
48:53
Speaker 2: It's so difficult.
48:54
Speaker 1: Well, it's really bizarre to feel like you have to
48:57
Speaker 1: perform for the internet when what you're dealing with is
48:59
Speaker 1: so isolating to begin with.
49:01
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I do feel now that the New York
49:03
Speaker 3: Times article has happened, honestly, like it could be so
49:06
Speaker 3: much more of myself again, Like I'm not questioning everything
49:09
Speaker 3: I'd post. It's just me and I'm not like, oh,
49:11
Speaker 3: is someone gonna criticize me for this or.
49:13
Speaker 1: Judging for this? You know good. At the same time,
49:16
Speaker 1: You've also seen like huge beauty come from the internet.
49:20
Speaker 1: I think people have posted so many messages of support,
49:24
Speaker 1: donated money for you and your mom. I see a
49:27
Speaker 1: lot of messages of love. What do you think it
49:30
Speaker 1: is about your story that resonates with people so deeply?
49:34
Speaker 3: I think it We briefly touched on this before, but
49:37
Speaker 3: I think that showing all sides of what I'm going
49:41
Speaker 3: through has been a very relatable experience for people, because
49:45
Speaker 3: you do so often on social media see only the
49:48
Speaker 3: best sides of things and only the positive and only
49:51
Speaker 3: the highlights.
49:52
Speaker 2: But that's not what I'm going through. It's not the.
49:55
Speaker 3: Highlights, it's everything. It's the good and the bad. And
49:57
Speaker 3: I always say that you can't have the good without
49:59
Speaker 3: the bad, and have the bad without the good, And
50:01
Speaker 3: so I think that people see that I'm going through
50:05
Speaker 3: something challenging and I am struggling, and everyone has had
50:08
Speaker 3: something that they've gone through.
50:10
Speaker 1: What do you think somebody like me who's watching your
50:12
Speaker 1: experience on the internet doesn't actually understand.
50:15
Speaker 3: Probably how challenging it is on a daily basis. It's
50:19
Speaker 3: not something that I can clock in and clock out of.
50:22
Speaker 3: And I feel like people online sometimes you watch and
50:26
Speaker 3: you see such a small segment of their life, and
50:29
Speaker 3: you think that you can understand.
50:31
Speaker 2: But I just don't think unless you.
50:32
Speaker 3: Go through this yourself, you can possibly understand how physically
50:36
Speaker 3: and mentally challenging and draining it is on a daily
50:39
Speaker 3: basis to think about and to just have to deal with.
50:42
Speaker 3: I think that unless you go through it, it's really
50:45
Speaker 3: hard to understand.
50:46
Speaker 1: You seem so wise beyond your years, Sydney, and I
50:49
Speaker 1: would imagine that there's some lessons from this journey that
50:54
Speaker 1: people don't understand or wouldn't know until they got older.
50:57
Speaker 1: How do you feel like you've changed the most in.
50:59
Speaker 2: The last few years in so many ways?
51:02
Speaker 3: I think that I've always had a lot of empathy
51:03
Speaker 3: for other people, but I think one of the biggest
51:06
Speaker 3: lessons I've learned is you never know what someone is
51:09
Speaker 3: going through. Yeah, and I think that I'm a great
51:12
Speaker 3: case in point for that because I'm actively in chemo
51:16
Speaker 3: and still have my hair and don't look maybe like
51:20
Speaker 3: the picture of someone who typically has cancer, and that
51:24
Speaker 3: has allowed me as well to think about what other
51:27
Speaker 3: people are going through that you might not be able
51:29
Speaker 3: to see, whether it be something mentally or something that
51:31
Speaker 3: they're dealing with themselves or their family, Like, you never
51:34
Speaker 3: know the kind of day that someone is having, So
51:36
Speaker 3: to lead with compassion and lead with empathy, I think
51:39
Speaker 3: is one of the most important things that I've taken
51:41
Speaker 3: from this experience.
51:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you feel pressure to live every day to
51:46
Speaker 1: its fullest?
51:47
Speaker 2: Yes? And no.
51:49
Speaker 3: I kind of feel like I do want to live
51:51
Speaker 3: as much as possible. But I also feel like it
51:54
Speaker 3: changed my focus to kind of enjoy that rest time
51:58
Speaker 3: and enjoy the time where I'm just like sitting with
52:00
Speaker 3: friends watching TV like that has kind of become The
52:03
Speaker 3: most important thing is those small moments. So it's not
52:06
Speaker 3: necessarily taking big trips or going skydiving or whatever, but
52:10
Speaker 3: also just those times when you're just sitting with your
52:12
Speaker 3: family or your friends and just enjoying life.
52:14
Speaker 1: I have a list of things that every year I
52:17
Speaker 1: put together that I want to do. Do you have
52:19
Speaker 1: a list of things you're wanting to do or is
52:21
Speaker 1: it important to throw those out the window.
52:23
Speaker 3: I think I have thrown them out the window. I
52:25
Speaker 3: think it's important to take it for me day by day.
52:28
Speaker 3: That's also one of the biggest lessons is to not
52:30
Speaker 3: think too far ahead and to just enjoy like right here.
52:35
Speaker 3: And so for me, it's like I can try to
52:37
Speaker 3: plan these trips, but my plans will probably be changed.
52:39
Speaker 3: I had a trip planned to Austria that I canceled
52:42
Speaker 3: because I had my second surgery. So it's really hard
52:44
Speaker 3: to have these big lists or accomplishments that I want
52:49
Speaker 3: to have because I don't know what's going to happen
52:51
Speaker 3: and things are constantly changing. So I think that being
52:53
Speaker 3: right here is honestly the most important thing for me.
52:56
Speaker 1: You've become a voice and an advocate in this space too.
52:58
Speaker 1: You mentioned that you spoke at a conference. Yeah, how
53:01
Speaker 1: has this experience in your diagnosis changed your career and
53:06
Speaker 1: your influencing.
53:08
Speaker 3: I mean, I never envisioned myself to be speaking in
53:11
Speaker 3: front of other people. I always got so nervous giving
53:14
Speaker 3: presentations in class, and like, I have so much anxiety
53:17
Speaker 3: around public speaking normally, but knowing that like I can
53:22
Speaker 3: help people by speaking about things and like by advocating
53:25
Speaker 3: has been so cool for me, Like I never thought
53:28
Speaker 3: that I would be an advocate. And as far as
53:31
Speaker 3: just like my career in trajectory, I've always had the
53:34
Speaker 3: same career from being diagnosed to now. But I think
53:37
Speaker 3: having something that I'm really passionate about has been so
53:41
Speaker 3: cool as well, because it doesn't feel.
53:43
Speaker 2: Like a job or anything.
53:44
Speaker 3: It's just something that I show up and I talk
53:46
Speaker 3: to people on the internet and can relate to people
53:49
Speaker 3: and in turn in helping so many people and they're
53:52
Speaker 3: helping me. So it's taken quite an unexpected turn, but
53:56
Speaker 3: in the best way possible.
53:58
Speaker 1: I like hearing that thank you. Okay, I'm gonna ask
54:01
Speaker 1: you something, and I hope that it doesn't come off
54:04
Speaker 1: the wrong way. If it does, you can punch me
54:06
Speaker 1: in the face or tell me say pass. But if
54:08
Speaker 1: today and hopefully you wouldn't be spending your last day
54:11
Speaker 1: on earth with me, But if today were your last
54:14
Speaker 1: day on earth, Yeah, what would you want to tell people?
54:17
Speaker 1: What would you want people to know?
54:19
Speaker 3: I've actually thought about this before, Like if I were
54:21
Speaker 3: to make one more video. What would I say, and
54:24
Speaker 3: it was my last video, I think I would just
54:27
Speaker 3: remind people what I've said to you already is to
54:31
Speaker 3: treat people with kindness like that is literally the biggest
54:34
Speaker 3: thing that I could tell anyone, especially dealing with the
54:37
Speaker 3: Reddit stuff. It's like, just treat people with compassion and
54:40
Speaker 3: thee and treat people the way that you want to
54:41
Speaker 3: be treated. It sounds so cliche and it's such a
54:44
Speaker 3: common saying, but I feel like we never know what
54:46
Speaker 3: someone is going through, and if you could spread like
54:49
Speaker 3: a little bit of kindness, a little bit of positivity
54:51
Speaker 3: goes such a.
54:52
Speaker 2: Long way for someone else, and it could make their day.
54:55
Speaker 2: They're weak. That's the thing that I would always tell people.
54:58
Speaker 1: That's really beautiful, And I think cliche are in our
55:00
Speaker 1: culture for a reason.
55:01
Speaker 2: That's true, that's true.
55:03
Speaker 1: I'm going to do some rapid fire. Okay, something you're
55:08
Speaker 1: avoiding that's on your to do.
55:09
Speaker 3: List, rescheduling my therapy because I love her, but she
55:15
Speaker 3: also makes me think way too hard sometimes.
55:17
Speaker 1: Yes, I understand that a core memory you reflect on the.
55:21
Speaker 3: Most, probably the day that I found out that I
55:24
Speaker 3: had cancer. I think I'll always just think about picking
55:27
Speaker 3: up that report for the first time, and seeing the
55:29
Speaker 3: words cancer or carcinoma, I think I will always be
55:33
Speaker 3: such a strong memory in my mind.
55:35
Speaker 1: If you could choose where your taxes go, where would
55:38
Speaker 1: you allocate them?
55:39
Speaker 3: I think, going through what I've gone through, I would
55:41
Speaker 3: say cancer research, especially with cancer research and NIH being defunded.
55:47
Speaker 3: I've also seen so many other cancer patients not be
55:50
Speaker 3: able to get life saving treatment because it's way too
55:53
Speaker 3: expensive or their insurance won't cover it.
55:56
Speaker 1: So that's right, an iconic piece of clothing you love to.
56:00
Speaker 3: So I already have kind of my door with the
56:02
Speaker 3: shoes on right now. So I think I would like
56:04
Speaker 3: to wear her red slippers because I feel like it'd
56:06
Speaker 3: be a little magical.
56:07
Speaker 1: A book that changed your life, something you think everybody
56:10
Speaker 1: should read.
56:11
Speaker 2: I really liked The Midnight Library.
56:13
Speaker 3: I read it before I was diagnosed, and it made
56:16
Speaker 3: me have such a different perspective on what ifs. Like
56:20
Speaker 3: I'm a big burnt toast theory person, and so it
56:23
Speaker 3: kind of shows you that maybe the alternatives or like
56:27
Speaker 3: lives that you think would be so amazing actually wouldn't
56:30
Speaker 3: be so amazing for you.
56:31
Speaker 2: Like your life is perfect for you the way.
56:33
Speaker 1: It is that's really beautiful something that every woman should
56:36
Speaker 1: try once.
56:37
Speaker 3: I think therapy, I think I would say that for
56:39
Speaker 3: any person, not just women. But there's a book the
56:42
Speaker 3: body keeps the Score, and I think women especially have
56:45
Speaker 3: a lot of trauma ingrained that maybe they aren't even
56:49
Speaker 3: consciously knowledgeable of. So I think that going to therapy
56:53
Speaker 3: and also being single, because I think being single is
56:56
Speaker 3: just so important.
56:56
Speaker 2: You learn so much about yourself.
56:57
Speaker 3: I've learned so much about myself over the past years,
57:00
Speaker 3: and I think it's just good practice to go on
57:02
Speaker 3: solo dates and to like know that you're the most
57:05
Speaker 3: important person in your life and someone else is just
57:08
Speaker 3: adding on to that. They're not making you a whole person,
57:10
Speaker 3: because your whole on your own.
57:12
Speaker 1: You really understand that at a much younger age than
57:15
Speaker 1: most people. The smartest decision you've ever made.
57:18
Speaker 3: Believing in myself in so many ways, because I never
57:21
Speaker 3: thought I would get into Dartmouth and I believed in
57:24
Speaker 3: myself and I did it. I never thought I would
57:26
Speaker 3: be a model and I ended up trying it and
57:28
Speaker 3: I did it. I never thought I would get my
57:29
Speaker 3: yoga certification and I did it. So I think just
57:32
Speaker 3: knowing that you can do almost anything that you set
57:36
Speaker 3: your mind to, and having confidence that's been really important
57:39
Speaker 3: for me.
57:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have the question everything card gave and please, okay,
57:43
Speaker 1: pick whichever card. It's sort of like taro, like whichever
57:45
Speaker 1: one you feel connected to. Okay, it's weird people usually
57:49
Speaker 1: pick the card that's meant for them.
57:50
Speaker 3: Really, Yeah, what compliment do you hear the most? Which
57:54
Speaker 3: means the most to you? And which one makes you
57:56
Speaker 3: the most uncomfortable? That's actually a really good question. I
58:00
Speaker 3: think the one that makes me most uncomfortable or that
58:03
Speaker 3: I don't know how to react to, is when people
58:05
Speaker 3: say you look so healthy, just because I know it's
58:08
Speaker 3: meant to be a compliment, but it's also like you
58:10
Speaker 3: don't know what's going on beneath the surface. And I
58:13
Speaker 3: think the compliment that means the most to me is
58:17
Speaker 3: probably that I've inspired someone, just because it's crazy to
58:22
Speaker 3: me that I am inspiring people just by being vulnerable
58:24
Speaker 3: and sharing online. So it always means so much when
58:28
Speaker 3: people like stop me in the street or comment that
58:30
Speaker 3: I love that.
58:30
Speaker 1: Thank you. I feel like you've given millions of people
58:34
Speaker 1: inspiration but also courage to face their lives with more hope.
58:39
Speaker 1: And I want to thank you for all that you
58:41
Speaker 1: share and who you are, because you show up as
58:44
Speaker 1: you every single day, good, bad, ugly heart, all of it,
58:47
Speaker 1: and you're a special person. Sidney.
58:50
Speaker 2: Thank you.
58:50
Speaker 3: I really appreciate that, and thank you for having me
58:52
Speaker 3: and letting me share a little bit more about.
58:54
Speaker 2: My story and myself.
59:00
Speaker 1: Okay, you know what time it is. Today's a good day,
59:03
Speaker 1: to have a good day. I'll see you next week.