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"Stop Being a Doormat Boundaries & Self-Respect" · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, lovely listeners.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another thought-provoking podcast.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are you tired of being taken for granted in your relationship?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Do you always say yes when you really want to say no?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Are you constantly forgiving, compromising, and putting others' needs before your own?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, I'm Roxanne, known as a relationship expert specializing in behavior, and I am your host.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to say welcome back again, where we have real conversations about dating, relationships, boundaries, and self-respect.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: So grab your coffee, get comfortable, and let's have that conversation.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because today we're talking about how to stop being a doormat in relationships.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Stop people pleasing, set healthy boundaries, and regain your self-respect and dignity.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the truth: being loving doesn't mean allowing someone to disrespect you.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Being understanding doesn't mean tolerating bad behavior.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And keeping a relationship shouldn't require you to lose yourself.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Our goal is to give you a place where you can think, laugh, reflect, and maybe even say, wow, they're talking about me.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've ever found yourself saying, I don't want to make them mad, maybe they'll change, or I guess I'll just put up with it.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: This conversation is for you.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the person you need to stand up for isn't your partner, it's you.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about how to stop being a doormat and start being a person with boundaries, standards, and self-respect.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: But before we get into it, I want to say hello to my co-host, the professor.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, professor.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh well, hello.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I am excited.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I'm excited for this this conversation.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: I've been waiting for this one.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: So let's get into it because I know this is gonna be a good one.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: It yes, yes, it is.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I will behave.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm I can't publish that.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh god.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just once, maybe?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let's first look at what it means to be a doormat.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, believe it or not, being a doormat doesn't mean you're kind, loving, or forgiving.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: It means that you're constantly allowing people to cross your boundaries without consequences.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And Professor, I have some examples, but did you want to touch bases on about the meaning of a doormat?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I would.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: You know what the meaning of a doormat is?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_02: It means somebody is wiping their dirty feet on you and taking advantage of you.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: Plain and simple.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: Let's just call it what it is.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: And I knew I knew you would give it raw.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: Just imagine somebody just came in from being a m be being outside in the mud and just walks all over you and leaves their dirty footprints all over you.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: And that's what's happening.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: And it happens not just to women, but to men too.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: It's across the board.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: So let's help people try and figure this out a little bit.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_02: Sounds good.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: And by no means do we think any of our podcasts is direct counseling.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: We're just giving you stuff to think about.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Think about this.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Here's some more examples of maybe this is your sign of being a doormat.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Here's your sign.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Go for it.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: You say yes when you really mean no.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're accepting of behavior that hurts you because you're afraid they'll leave you.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: You often make excuses for their bad behavior.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And here's a here's a couple more.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: You give and give while receiving little or nothing in return.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the last one.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: You avoid confrontation just to keep the peace.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead, Professor.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know I know it's boiling up inside of you.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: That is a common thing.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: That last one?
• 4:53
  unknown: Yes.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Read that again.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: You avoid confrontation just to keep the peace.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_02: That happens a lot in men.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: They avoid the avoid that just because the peace.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yes.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: We we know some personally.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: So all of those are all great.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: And if you don't mind, can you go back to the first one and let's touch on them a little bit more?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: Because I want to give it, we want to give a little bit more context on each of those real quick.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, the first was you say yes when you really mean no.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: We are not clear on what we want to say sometimes.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: We say, okay, but we know it's not good for us, but we go ahead and we say, okay.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or if it's something that we're really not into.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, if they every every Sunday uh the partner goes to the family, and maybe the family isn't crazy about the office.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And but they go anyway, well, we're we're going.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And there's no would you like to go?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, we're going to the family.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: She goes to keep Yes.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you really want to say, no, uh, you go.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then you're accepting a behavior that hurts you because you're afraid that they'll leave you.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: And and by accepting that behavior, you've relinquish every time you keep accepting it, you relinquish some of your power.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: And your self-respect.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And here's an example.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say Friday every Friday night after work, they go to the bar, get drunk, and you they come home and they maybe, well, either either they crash because they're drunk, or they're mean drunk.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you you just accept it.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know every Friday what's gonna happen, but you accept it because you're you don't want them to leave you.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: We tell them it is what it is.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: You can't no.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: Hit the next one.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You often make excuses for the bad bad behavior.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, he he works a lot, he works hard, he deserves time out with the guys, but then you suffer the consequences of that action.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: Stop accepting the behavior.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of them will accept it and make it their own.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: You can't accept that.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's not your problem.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_02: But you make it yours and you accept it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's yeah.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and then you know, you give and give while receiving little.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're always giving um w whatever that that giving is.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It it may be just giving of your your time, just giving of your money, and n nothing is coming back to you.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, uh they don't want to work, and you're constantly giving the money.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: You give the you they you let them use your car because they have no car.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: You let them stay in your house and they pay no bills, so you just keep give giving, giving.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Those are just all examples that we've you know, we come across with our with our coaching.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then you avoid confrontation just to keep the peace.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's kind of self-explanatory.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: You you can't go.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it that happens so much.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: And though, and these are the things that if you're you you're listening right now, you're driving in your car and you're saying to yourself, oh my gosh, this is me.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_02: Keep listening.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: Keep listening.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: So we got more.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now I do have a funny.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: Go ahead.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Being kind is giving someone directions.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Being a doormat is allowing them to park their car on you.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Say that again.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: That hurl.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Being kind is giving someone directions.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Being a doormat is allowing them to park their car on you.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_02: And and and the the sad part is if they don't understand the last part, that means the weight of everything is on you.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's what that means.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: The car on top, the weight of everything is on everything.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: On you.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Good analogy, professor.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, don't confuse love with tolerance, because love doesn't mean for you to tolerate everything and anything that's dished out to you.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: This kind of piggybacks on the examples.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now you should say, I love you, but I will not.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I repeat, I will not accept that behavior, nor you disrespecting me.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So these are counters to those examples.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: You have to stand up.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: And you but you gotta be calm about because if you come off saying what your needs are, and you're saying it angrily and aggressively, it that it it just makes the situation work worse.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: You have to speak your needs clearly, with passion and confidence, but not anger.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: Because then it will never be received or heard.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you love them, but that does love doesn't mean you tolerate bad behavior.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because healthy relationships should include love, respect, and boundaries, right?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: You you wouldn't treat your dog that way.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_02: People don't treat their dogs, beat the hell out of them, treat them bad, and say, I love my dog.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: No, sometimes they treat the dogs better than they do their partner.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, listen to this, folks.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: We we're we're giving you stuff to think about.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: Because this is a s this is one that is so much out there where people are accepting this as it's okay.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: They love me.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: I love them.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: It's just their way of showing it.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, not when you're hurt or or being disrespected.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, love without boundaries is like leaving your front door unlocked and putting a sign that says, come in and take whatever you want.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that that's how love is with with no boundaries.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're accepting again, going through those examples, saying yes when you really mean no, you're accepting of behavior that hurts you because you're afraid they'll leave.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're you you often make excuses for their bad behavior.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: You give and give while receiving little or nothing.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You avoid confrontation just to keep the peace.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: No, it that that it's like saying, Oh, here, take take whatever you want, take my dignity, take my pride, take my love, and just stomp on it.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_02: You that analogy is perfect.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you it's like like you said, put a sign out of the door, come take whatever you want.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because as you're going through life, you've got this sign above your head, it's on your chest, above your head, blinking, and big sign on your back saying, I'm free to abuse, come and get what you want.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: Because you have put yourself in this position where you've you're allowing people to keep taking advantage, not just even in a relationship, but even in friendship.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_02: If you can't do it in a friendship, you can't do it in a relationship.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: Because you have to start now weeding out the friends, the relationships, and start saying, I can't do this anymore.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah, you're right, Professor.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: This goes towards uh friendships as well, because we know people who have very good, they say they're very good friends, but then again, they take and take, they um, they speak badly about that person in front of the person.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, so this this goes across the lines of relationship, friendship, yes.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_02: And it doesn't matter what country you are, what color you are, what religion you are, this happens everywhere.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And often.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we really want to touch bases on on this topic.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, first let's look at why people become doormats.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: So, listeners, I hope you're taking notes because sometimes it's all about fear, uh fear of being alone, fear of being re rejected, fear of starting over, fear that no one else will love them, fear of the conflict and confrontation, and fear of disappointing your mate.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Simply put, you just you're afraid just to let go.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_02: The key factor here fear.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: Fear, fear, fear.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_02: We fear the things that could happen.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_02: So we adjust accordingly because we're scared.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_02: Fear has taken over.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_02: And that's the key right there.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, every single one fear.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: Can we go back and do the same first one?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_02: And let's give a little bit more on each of those.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of being alone.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: We are we are afraid to do things and be by ourselves.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: We have talked about this numerous times.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yes, and we're gonna talk about it some more.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, because fear is what isolates us, what stops us from being who we're meant to be.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: Branding out.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, if you're afraid to go to movies by yourself, if you're afraid to go eat by yourself, are you afraid to live life by yourself?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: You gotta love you first before you can love somebody else.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_02: Wow, yes.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_02: So work on your fear.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: And fear don't give in on this fear so that others can can take control over you.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: And of starting over, uh, you know, thinking that no one's gonna love you.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't you don't want the conflict and confrontation.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to disappoint your mate.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: These are all your fear.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hit the next one.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you just don't want to let go.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't want, you want to hold on to whatever it is that you call it, you don't want to let it go.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: We t we tell ourselves, here's that fear again, telling us that we don't want to let go because we're gonna be alone.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I have some examples of of what's kind of said, the underlying thoughts.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: One is like when it's good, it's really good.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then they're thinking about where will they go?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: We've been together for years.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then some people convince themselves if I show them how much I love them, they'll change.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Love isn't a rehabilitation program.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can't it that's not what love is.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have them come into your into in into your your love circle and think that you're gonna re rehabilitate them.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's like having that angry, wild dog that wants to bite you all the time, and you say, I'm just gonna keep loving them until they change.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_02: No, that dog's still gonna bite you.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here here's the funny you can't date someone knowing they're a fixer-upper and then get mad because you didn't realize how much work you would have to put into the you know, you know, when you literally when you buy a fixer-upper, which Yeah, you know, that's one of my things.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and you go in and then you start tearing down stuff, and there's more work, uh more underlying work that needs to be done.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just like taking in, think, you know, okay, I I know I'm gonna have to work on them.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you get them, there's more work than you ever thought.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_02: You know, a lot of time we we enter that to that relationship, you know, that oh, they're a little rough around the edges, just needs a little paint, it'll be good.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_02: No, by the time you sc scrape away the bad paint, you go, holy crap.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, but boards rotten, yeah.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_02: And then but we say, Oh, I'm gonna I'm I love them.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna work on it.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna we're gonna we're gonna get stronger together, but the rot is still there.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_02: You can paint over the rot, but the rot is still there.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's good.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: You could paint so you can kind of paint a picture of them in a good light to other people.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but you know when you go home, the rot is still there.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: The rot is still there.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: That's and eventually what's happened one morning you pull back that bed sheet and it's just a bunch of maggots.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_02: Listen, let's just call it what it is.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_02: It's not the person that you want them to be.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: You cannot change somebody that doesn't want to change.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: You can help somebody to change.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_02: It happens.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_02: I know men and women who've been together, and their mate has helped them to see, hey, you know, I've got some rough things I need to work on.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_02: They're happy to work.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_02: Just be better.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_02: Because they know it will make them better and make their relationship better.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: But there's unfortunately a lot of people you cannot change because they don't see there's anything wrong with them.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_02: So you can either wake up in the morning, pull back that bed sheet, and there's that person that you love and they love you back, and it's a wonderful relationship, or you can pull back that meet bedsheets and you just see a maggot maggot laying there and go, What the hell am I doing?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_02: So you can't change rotten wood.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's good.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing: you shouldn't have to over-explain your boundaries.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Explaining or stating your boundaries shouldn't need a 45-minute presentation.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: With slides?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: With slides.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't have to, you should not have to say, Oh, I understand why you did that, and I know you've had a difficult childhood, and I know you didn't mean it.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's you just going out of your way to explain bad behavior.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to say, this is what really listen, listen, listeners, listen, professor, listen.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to say this.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am not okay with that.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And just that statement should be enough, and it should be respected.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not okay with that.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if your boundaries are not being respected, there's your sign.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're a doormat.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_02: Let's just call it what it is.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_02: You can put flowers on a doormat.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_02: It's still a doormat.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're you're you're given explanations of why why people are behaving the way badly.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that that's not that's not okay.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_02: If your doormat says welcome home, it should be welcome home.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_02: But if your doormat says welcome to hell, that's okay.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, that's that's good.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_02: Because when you when people are treating you and walking over you and treating you bad, that's not a welcome to home doormat.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_02: That's a welcome to hell doormat.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now listen, your boundary shouldn't be like a terms and conditions agreement.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: They pretend to read and accept them, then they do whatever the heck they want.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know how you you you have these terms and conditions, and you there's a little box you check.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even read the you don't even read it.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: You just check, yeah, and then you just do whatever you want to do anyway.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then when the shit hits the phone, you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's not that Right.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now you shouldn't know the difference between compromise and self-neglect.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Self-neglect, let's let's get a definition, is failing to care for your own basic physical, mental, and emotional needs.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Self-neglect is failing to care for your own basic physical, mental, and emotional needs.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: And an example of compromise is both parties agreeing to settle their demands to meet in the middle.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's about balancing differences so neither person feels ignored, resentful, or disrespect respected.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: Disrespected.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: Whether your voice is hi, I'm Sally, or hi, I'm Tom, doesn't matter what voice you have, it should be heard.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_02: And if no one is letting you speak, or if no one is hearing you.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: Then that's not where you need to be.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_02: It doesn't matter how quiet your voice is or how deep and loud it is, if it's not being heard, then you're in the wrong place.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Compromise versus self-neglect.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as I said, compromise is when both parties can agree on on settling their differences or their demands.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, examples of self-neglect, again, you keep giving up your needs and desires while your mate doesn't have to change anything.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: They don't even have to change their behavior.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to change their actions.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: They don't even have to change their demands.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's a huge difference between being able to compromise with your partner or self-neglecting your own your own needs.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely right.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_02: Compromise has to be both ways.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_02: And if you're the one doing all the core mat compromising, what are you?
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_02: Adormat.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's your now here's an example of compromise.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm gonna paint a picture, a real life picture.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: You want pepperoni, they want a pineapple pizza.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you want a pepperoni pizza, but they want a pineapple pizza.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: You split the pizza half and half, half pepperoni, and we've done we've done this before.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: And half a pineapple.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Pineapple.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, self-neglect.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: They want pineapple pizza.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: You hate pineapple pizza.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: You order a large.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm sorry.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: You order a large pepperoni pizza.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: You pay for it, you serve it to them, and you eat the crust that they put aside and say, I wasn't hungry anyway.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's self-neglect.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: You give them what they want, and you just get the crumbs.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: Why does why why do I think that why do I think there's something behind that?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: But that's just it.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: The self-neglect, you just give you what they want.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: What you serve them what they want.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: You offer them what they want.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you eat the crust.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: You get the with the leftovers, you get the crumbs.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's self-neglect.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: Dipping the crust in pineapple sauce.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, but you don't like pineapple.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another one.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Don't reward bad behavior.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: When someone is allowed to continuously mistreat you and nothing changes, all you're doing is teaching them that they can continue to mistreat you and disrespect you and still keep you.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're the the logic is what they're saying, because you're allowing all this.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: They're not going anywhere.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_02: Let me just put this in perspective.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_02: You're walking down the street, a dog bites you on the ass.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_02: Do you turn around and give the dog a treat and say good boy?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, why do we rule we rule bad reward bad behavior?
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that that should that makes no sense.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: That should not be tolerated.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_02: If your kid smacks another kid, do you give him a treat and say good boy?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_02: Good girl?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_02: No, we we reprimand them.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_02: Then why do why do we put up with it ourselves in our relationships?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_02: In our relationships, in love.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_02: And try to justify that bad behavior.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_02: And and yes.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_02: You are not a doormat.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_02: Repeat after me.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_02: I am not a dormat.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, bad beh here's an example of bad behavior.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do exactly what I want, even if it drives you crazy.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: You are driving me crazy, but I've decided, hmm, I like the scenic route.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you you're here, you're making it.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: That yeah, you're driving me crazy, but I like the scenic route.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: There's some people like a cuton for punishment.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they like the drama.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_02: They like the drama.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry, I'm a drama-free person.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_02: If you're a drama person, keep moving.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_02: Drama free.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_02: You you're never at peace when if you're one of those people that have to have drama.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_02: Drama follows you everywhere.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_02: You you you taught the drama, you live the drama.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_02: If that's you, then you need to be listening to this because you're part of the problem.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_02: Drama solves nothing.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_02: No, peace.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_02: Once you own peace.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_02: Peace is everything.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_02: We're in this stage in our lives.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_02: How much do you value peace?
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh 190.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_02: Same here.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: Peace is everything.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_02: There is no price.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: There's you couldn't offer me a million dollars, a trillion dollars for chaos.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_02: For for chaos.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_02: Uh-uh.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Give me peace.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then you shouldn't have to earn basic respect.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't have to become someone you're not just to gain someone's respect.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like being more submissive, more patient, accepting of bad behavior.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: We be that that keeps pot we have to keep throwing that in there.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding of their actions.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't have to uh try to understand their actions.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't tolerate what what's happening around you and to you.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's not you know, that's not that's not benefiting you.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: Respect isn't tell isn't isn't letting your partner treat you poorly, just to keep the peace.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: Respect is giving physical and emotional space to be themselves.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_02: Respect is when I used to hire and fire people, I used to tell young folks when they come in, when you come in, I'm not this type of guy and it's gonna be respect is earned and all that.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_02: I expect you to come in with a bucket of respect and keep it topped up.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_02: Because I'm gonna show you respect, you're gonna reciprocate.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_02: But you keep letting your bucket empty, then we have a problem.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: And to just to feel someone else's.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you're draining your bucket so that there's there's a full.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_02: So that bucket, both sides has to be full.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_02: And it has to be of respect in each other.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_02: Because if you don't have that, I always say the moment, and I told this to a client the other day, the moment that you call each other out of their name, bitch, ho, any of those things, there, the respect has just been hammered away.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_02: And you keep doing that, and you keep hammering away.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_02: That respect goes real quick.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: They should respect who you are, they should expect your your space, they should expect your boundaries, not having you to be again more submissive.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you gotta be more patient with me.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm I'm I'm still on on this walk.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if someone's abusive or be know or they they're drunk and and they use that as an excuse.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: You have to, you know, you have to accept that bad behavior.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have to continue to understand their bad their actions when it's disrespecting you?
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to tolerate what what's happening around you or to you if it's not respectful.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because yet again, respect isn't letting your partner treat you poorly just to keep the peace.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Respect is giving you physical and emotional space so that you could be yourself.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's another.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be afraid to say no.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: No is a complete sentence.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_02: Repeat after me.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_02: I know you're driving the car and you're in traffic right now, but say no.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_02: Say it loud.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're in the car, say no.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a complete sentence because you shouldn't have to feel guilty to protect yourself, your time, your energy, your money, your emotions, or your peace, which, as we said, is priceless.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if your partner only stays with you because you're so agreeable and never say no to them, they they don't love you.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: They love the convenience of someone they can control.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_02: Because you're a doormat.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we're giving you tips and listen to this so that you can get off the floor and stop being a doormat.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_02: Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, fix your hair, and remember you're not a doormat.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is what happens when you do set boundaries.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy partner may be disappointed.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a healthy partner may be disappointed, but they will respect your decisions, your feelings, and your time.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: An unhealthy partner, they'll guilt trip you, manipulate you, give you the silent treatment, become angry, call you selfish, threaten to leave.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: And again, they'll try to make you feel guilty.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's that guilt trip.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_02: They've just become judge, juror, juror, and executioner all in one.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: They've condemned you to a doormat.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: And their reaction to your boundaries will tell you a lot about the relationship.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: If your boundaries are overstepped and ignored, there's your sign.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be a doormat.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_02: Now I know you're in that car driving.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_02: You're at work with the headphones in your ears while your boss walks by.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_02: But remember, it's not just relationship.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_02: It's in your job, it's your friends, your relationship.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_02: Do not be a doormat.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_02: You're not a doormat.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_02: Say it.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_02: Say it quietly.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not a doormat.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_02: Say it loud.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a doormat.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: And here's a little a little funny.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know how someone feels about your fence until they realize it has a gate, and you hold the key.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Say that.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm stealing it.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know how someone feels about your fence until they realize it has a gate.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you hold the key.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you do hold the key to your happiness, to your peace, to your sanity.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_02: And to your self-respect.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: Self-respect, yes.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: And don't accept potential as a relationship.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we've talked about this in other podcasts.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: So uh check out our other podcasts.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be amazed of the tips and that you can get from them.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, don't fall in love with who they could become while they're still showing you who they really are now.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's the ultimate relationship gamble.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the house always wins.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've got pen to paper right here.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm stealing that one thing.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Don't accept the potential because you're gambling.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're you and again, the house always wins.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Believing you're able to change them is like entering a burning building with a water gun, believing you can calm the flames.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, damn.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: Say that again.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: Believing you're able to change them is like entering a burning building with a water gun, believing you can calm the flames.
• 34:15
  unknown: Damn.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now this is very important.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: Being alone is better than being used.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people stay because they think, well, at least I have someone.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: Having someone isn't necessarily better than being alone.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: You have to ask yourself, is this relationship adding value to my life or simply occupying space in it?
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I I tell people all the time love, relationship, marriage, they're things that should make you feel good.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_02: Should make you feel warm and comfortable.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_02: Should be that when you come through that door, you're at peace.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_02: If you're not getting any of that, then you gotta re-evaluate what's happening.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because listen to this.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: Being alone can feel uncomfortable, right?
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: But being used feels painful.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: Way worse.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: One of the absence of a relationship.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: One is the absence of a relationship, and the other is the presence of disrespect.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: So being alone, okay, is the absence of relationship, but the other, being used, that's disrespectful.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'd rather be alone and be used.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_02: Plain and sick.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_02: Hallelujah.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_02: We've talked about this many times in podcasts.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_02: There's nothing wrong with being alone and being comfortable with who you are.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_02: Because when you can do that, and I mean some people prefer to be alone and not have a relationship.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_02: Great.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_02: But having someone you're in your life that you can share and do things with is amazing.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, when they respect you.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: When they respect.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: And w and it goes both ways.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: When there's respect in the relationship, when there are boundaries in the relationship, boundaries that are respected in the relationship, and expectations that are met on both parties.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there's no red flags.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: No red flags.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because but you might get some pink ones.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: You might get some pink ones.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: But that's where negotiation and compromise come in.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_02: But we, you know, out of this, remember you've got to put yourself first before you can be in a relationship and make sure your needs and boundaries are met.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, being in a relationship with the wrong person, just not to be alone, is like keeping a broken umbrella thinking it'll keep you from getting wet in the rain.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: The umbrella's broken.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so would the relationship is.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_02: You kill me with it.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_02: And trust me, folks, this isn't just in the podcast.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_02: I I have to deal with this all the time.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know where she gets them from.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: Research.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now having boundaries teach people how you want to be treated.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries let people know what you will and will not tolerate.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you never let people know where the line is, don't be surprised when they step over it.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_02: Uh not even step over it.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_02: They crush through it.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_02: They crash through it with a bulldozer because you haven't set any.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: Have your boundaries.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's like drawing drawing a line with chalk, and they come with the eraser and they just oh, no line.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_02: No line.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_02: Have your boundaries should be in concrete, should be lined out.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_02: It should be clean plain and simple.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_02: Don't make your boundaries complicated.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: And boundaries are very important in relationships.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because having boundaries show a sense of self-respect.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: And self-respect often encourages others to respect you more.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: You get that?
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_02: Men and women should have boundaries.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, this podcast isn't just for women or men, it's for both because it affects both.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: It respects everybody.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a fence around your house doesn't mean you hate your neighbors.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: It just helps everyone know where the property line is.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: God, I like that one.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I don't, you know, you don't you don't you don't hate the person that you're involved with.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: You just need them to know where the line is drawn.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: Boundary.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: You need to yes, they need to know the boundaries.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_02: When I first came to the States and I was looking at properties, there was a house, all the houses, there was like no fencing.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, and I came from area where each property was had a fence.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, well, how do we know where the boundary is?
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_02: So we have this invisible line that we don't cross, but you have to have boundaries, whether it's physical or not physical, you have to draw those boundaries, that line in the sand that people shouldn't cross.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: And life is around it is centered around boundaries.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: At work, with friends, with family, uh, especially relationships.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: But it goes across the board.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: You need boundaries in life.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_02: Because you're not going to walk into your boss's office and say, kiss my ass, I'm not doing that.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_02: Unless you're leaving.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_02: But I mean, do the we set we have boundaries.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_02: We know we don't cross these boundaries with our boss or our work co-workers, all these things.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_02: But in our love life and in our friendship, it's like we pull these boundaries back.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: To please other people.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_00: To please other people.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of that's that sign leading to being a doormat.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in closing, let's kind of re-recap.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to remember being a good person doesn't mean you let people take advantage of you.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_00: Loving someone shouldn't require you to lose yourself.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: And keeping peace should never cost you your self-respect.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve a relationship where your boundaries are respected, not challenged, and where you don't have to always prove your worth by giving more, tolerating more, and accepting less.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: So stop saying, oh, maybe they'll change, or I don't want to hurt their feelings.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: At least I have somebody.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: Start asking yourself, is this relationship healthy for me?
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is this person respecting me?
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: Am I respecting myself?
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can have a soft heart and a strong backbone.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: You are not a doormat.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: You are not somebody's backup plan.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_00: You are not somebody's punching bag.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you certainly weren't put on this earth to make somebody's life comfortable at your own expense.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: So stand up, speak up, set boundaries.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_00: The people who benefited from your lack of boundaries may not like your new stance, but the right people will respect you and your boundaries.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, last words.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_02: As you we come to a close here, listeners, you're not a doormat.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_02: Let people see that because you will attract the right person.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_02: You will attract somebody like-minded, and you're not a doormat.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_02: Your doormat should be welcome home.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_02: Not welcome to hell.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_02: I want to thank our listeners.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_02: Listeners, thank you for all the love, the support.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_02: We can never thank you enough.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_02: On our podcast notes, there you'll see a link if you want to buy us coffee.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_02: Because we people see us all the time.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_02: I want to buy us cofferies, and we so much design.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_02: We love coffee, and it's only so much coffee we can drink when we meet people.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_02: So there's a thing called buy us a coffee.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_02: And um just you know, we can't drink all that coffee, so we are happy to take some of that money and we actually use it to buy stuff for some uh children's homeless uh children's orphanages, uh homeless shelters, school supplies, yes, so we do put it to good use.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_02: You know, we don't your support.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_02: You know, use that for a new Ferrari and nothing, because trust me, we don't have time for that.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_02: We don't um we take grab anyway.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, we we um but I do want to say this we have a meet and greet.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_02: Now we get flat for this all the time, we should post it.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_02: We don't post it because it just gets too big.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_02: We keep it small, personal, so we can answer more than one question.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, because people come to have questions answered and it's free of charge.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_02: So if you want to attend, send us an email and then we'll tell you where, when, and everything else.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_02: Now, for our international listeners, we are happy if somebody in uh Japan, Africa, no matter where you are, if you've got some friends and you want to set it up, we're happy to attend and we can do a live uh Zoom and all that stuff.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_02: Um we've changed some things on our website.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_02: So we used to offer a 30-minute concentration, it's never 30 minutes, so we changed it to 60 minutes and it's never 60 minutes.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_02: We don't whatever time is needed.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever time is needed, because we don't we don't rush it.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_02: We we we want you to be heard so we don't rush.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so take advantage of that.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_02: I want to talk a little bit on a serious note.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_02: If in your life you are going through any form of abuse, don't hold on to that abuse.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_02: There are specialized people out there that can help you.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_02: If in the in the US there's the uh abuse hotline, there are shelters, there are all types of organizations that can help you.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, in other countries, I'm sure there's you know, you can look up and find these other organizations that can help you.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_02: Get out of that situation, protect yourself, go get some help.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_02: There's people out there that love you and want to help you.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_02: And um, thank you guys.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, thank you.
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_00: And we we want to thank all of you for joining us and allowing us to be part of your journey.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: Please like, follow, and download this episode.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also, share it with someone who may need to hear today's conversation.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find us at relationshipcoachinggroup.com, where you can email us if you have any questions, comments, or want to learn about the services we offer, or if you just want to learn a little bit more about us.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, remember love others, but don't lose yourself in the process.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_00: And whatever you do, stop being a doormat.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because the moment you stop lying down for people to walk all over you is the moment you finally stand up fully in your own life.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_02: Remember, your doormat should say welcome home, and not welcome to hell.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: And remember this you're not alone.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_00: Together, we got this.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_00: We got you.