Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #84 Bickering Kids

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#84 Bickering Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families Podcast with doctor Justin Coolson,
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  Speaker 1: the podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers. Now,
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  Speaker 1: my name is Susie. I've got Luke with me as
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  Speaker 1: well here today, and today we're addressing a question that
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  Speaker 1: came through to our radio show about how to deal
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  Speaker 1: with bickering kids. Let's get into it. Let's ask this question.
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  Speaker 1: A question that came through to the show. Justin said,
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  Speaker 1: how do I stop the kids bickering with each other
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  Speaker 1: and learning better communication with their siblings? So this is
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  Speaker 1: the question that was asked. My first question is is
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  Speaker 1: this a big deal?
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  Speaker 2: Well? Sometimes it is. It depends on the bickering. I
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  Speaker 2: mean everybody bickers, everybody niggles and gets on somebody else's nerves.
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  Speaker 3: Sus Sorry did I say that out loud?
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  Speaker 4: I didn't realize.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, what we're really talking about is poor communication, people
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  Speaker 2: not having the maturity or the capacity to regulate themselves
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  Speaker 2: and communicate maturely. Susie.
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  Speaker 1: But when our child is you know, five, six, seven, eight,
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  Speaker 1: should we expect them to communicate maturely?
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  Speaker 2: No, but we should teach them and guide them and
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  Speaker 2: help them because they actually want to, you know, like
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  Speaker 2: our kids want to get this right. They don't actually
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  Speaker 2: like it, contrary to what you might think. They don't
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  Speaker 2: like bickering with one another. They don't wake up in
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  Speaker 2: the morning and think, today is the day I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to get my brother back. Today is the day I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to call him all those names when Mum's not listening,
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  Speaker 2: and then I'm going to get him in trouble because
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  Speaker 2: he's going to beat me up and I'm going to win.
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  Speaker 2: That's not what they wake up thinking. They almost always
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  Speaker 2: want to be in great relationships with their siblings and
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  Speaker 2: with us, but they just don't have the skills. They
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  Speaker 2: don't have the maturity, They don't have the capacity to
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  Speaker 2: regulate their emotions. They don't know the things to say
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  Speaker 2: when they're stuck and having a hard time other than
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  Speaker 2: what they're taught at school. School does a better job
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  Speaker 2: often than parents of teaching. And what school usually teaches
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  Speaker 2: them to say is stop it. I don't like it. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: and you know what the big brother or the big
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  Speaker 2: sister says when the little one says that to them,
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  Speaker 2: So it's not particularly effective.
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  Speaker 4: That's that's what says to me too.
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  Speaker 1: So is the goal to stop the bickering.
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  Speaker 2: Then eventually it is. But the goal is perhaps less
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  Speaker 2: about stopping the bickering and more about teaching effective ways
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  Speaker 2: to express what we're feeling. We're not going to stop
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  Speaker 2: a seven year old or a nine year old, or even,
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  Speaker 2: let's face it, a twenty four year old from bickering
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  Speaker 2: from time to time. That's going to happen. What matters
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  Speaker 2: more is helping them to communicate effectively in times of
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  Speaker 2: stress or distress, and helping them to say to another
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  Speaker 2: person that they're not comfortable with what's going on and
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  Speaker 2: something needs to change, Yeah, in a way that doesn't
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  Speaker 2: inflame things.
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  Speaker 1: All right, so we've got the problem covered. There's bickering happening,
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  Speaker 1: and there's bickering happening because there's not good communication skills.
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  Speaker 1: How to develop good communication skills is what we're going
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  Speaker 1: to solve.
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  Speaker 4: It seems like a pipe dream when we've got three
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  Speaker 4: boys within two years of each other. They were mastering
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  Speaker 4: the bickering and the poor communication. But you're going to
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  Speaker 4: give us the tips on how to actually teach them
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  Speaker 4: to get better at this.
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  Speaker 2: Right, And I've lived through having six daughters who have
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  Speaker 2: given me plenty of opportunity to practice this great great.
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  Speaker 2: So I think the first thing to say is that
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  Speaker 2: example is crucial here. Now I recognize that when I
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  Speaker 2: say something like this, a lot of parents are going
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  Speaker 2: to hang their heads in shame. I'm not about parent shaming.
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  Speaker 2: I know that every parent is doing the best that
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  Speaker 2: they can. Recently, though, I had an experience that kind
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  Speaker 2: of highlights just how important is that we get our
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  Speaker 2: example right. I'd flown into Melbourne. I was standing at
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  Speaker 2: the bag carousel at Tullamarine and I overheard a mom
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  Speaker 2: standing about four meters away from me, and she was
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  Speaker 2: really laying into her two kids, two daughters, probably aged
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  Speaker 2: somewhere around eleven and seven, giving them heaps. It was uncomfortable. Now,
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  Speaker 2: she was frazzled. They've been on airplanes. We don't know
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  Speaker 2: the context, but never it's enough to say that the
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  Speaker 2: people around me were all exchanging glances. Their eyes were
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  Speaker 2: looking at her and then darting towards the floor. It was.
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  Speaker 2: It was rough, and this mum, I guess, was in
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  Speaker 2: a pattern of communicating poorly with her kids, and they're
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  Speaker 2: going to learn that. As an aside, I actually walked
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  Speaker 2: over to her. Once I had my bags, I opened
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  Speaker 2: up one of my boxes of books and I said
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  Speaker 2: to her, it's really hard traveling with kids, isn't it.
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  Speaker 2: And she looked at me like she was going to
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  Speaker 2: tear my head off. I said, I understand how it feels,
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  Speaker 2: because I've just come back from a holiday myself and
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  Speaker 2: I've got six daughters. I get it. It's really rough.
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  Speaker 2: And she sort of melted a little bit. I said,
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  Speaker 2: this is a bit random, I know, and I've never
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  Speaker 2: done this before, but I write books about parenting and
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  Speaker 2: I'm on my way to Geelong to do a parenting seminar.
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  Speaker 2: Could I offer you one of my books? Can I
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  Speaker 2: just give this to you? It's about making our families happier.
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  Speaker 2: It may it's not a judgy thing, but based on
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  Speaker 2: the afternoon you're having, this might just lift you a
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  Speaker 2: little bit. And she said thank you. She actually emailed
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  Speaker 2: me a few days later and said I think that
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  Speaker 2: you've just changed my life.
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  Speaker 3: Oh wow.
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  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, their goodness. But that's the aside.
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  Speaker 2: The point is, as parents, how do we respond when
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  Speaker 2: somebody is bickering? How do we respond when somebody is
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  Speaker 2: agitating us? Example? Is everything not about shaming us, It's
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  Speaker 2: about saying let's have a good look at ourselves. And
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  Speaker 2: if you feel a little pang of guilt right now,
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  Speaker 2: that's a good thing, not a bad thing, because it
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  Speaker 2: indicates to you that if you can change, maybe your
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  Speaker 2: kids can as well.
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  Speaker 1: That's great, I reckon.
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  Speaker 2: The next thing that we've got to remember is that
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  Speaker 2: high emotions equals low intelligence.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you've delivered this to us before, and every time
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  Speaker 3: I got use it does I think about every moment
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  Speaker 3: where the emotions have been high and I haven't said
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  Speaker 3: the smartest things.
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  Speaker 2: Right, right, right. So, while I'm not an advocate of
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  Speaker 2: time out, a couple of things about time out. First
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  Speaker 2: of all, the research shows that when it's appropriately administered,
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  Speaker 2: it does get results. Nevertheless, I've got a lot of
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  Speaker 2: philosophical and ideological reasons for not liking it, first of
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  Speaker 2: which is that most people don't do it properly, and
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  Speaker 2: number two, there's kind of ways. Nevertheless, if we all
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  Speaker 2: need to have some time away from each other to
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  Speaker 2: calm down so that we can talk intelligently and kindly
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  Speaker 2: to one another and stop the bickering, then I think
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  Speaker 2: that some form of time out or time in, or
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  Speaker 2: some form of separation that's done in a gentle and
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  Speaker 2: kind way is going to be helpful. The next thing
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  Speaker 2: I think that can be really helpful is just asking
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  Speaker 2: your kids a simple question. How else could you have
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  Speaker 2: said that so that it didn't upset people? Just asking
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  Speaker 2: that question getting them to do the problem solving once
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  Speaker 2: they're calm. When we said to them, how else could
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  Speaker 2: you have said that? Most of the time, they're going
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  Speaker 2: to shrug their shoulders and go yes, because that's what
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  Speaker 2: kids say. Well, I know that you don't know, but
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  Speaker 2: if you did know, how else could you have said
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  Speaker 2: that I don't know. I just said I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: I know, but if you did know, and eventually you're
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  Speaker 2: want to work with them to come up with a
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  Speaker 2: nicer way to say that they're sibling. What what you're
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  Speaker 2: doing is upsetting me? Or can you please stop that?
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  Speaker 2: Or would you like me to leave the room so
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  Speaker 2: that you can play the piano and I can play
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  Speaker 2: the violin, or in different places whatever. It is not
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  Speaker 2: that we're all getting the orxtra going out. But I
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  Speaker 2: think that the key, if we can get this right,
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  Speaker 2: is that if we are soft and we can teach
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  Speaker 2: them better questions to ask, better ways to interact what
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  Speaker 2: happens is we can then facilitate better experiences together. Bickering
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  Speaker 2: will never stop it. Bickering does lead to change. It's
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  Speaker 2: sometimes necessary so that people recognize that they're being inconsiderate
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  Speaker 2: and disrespectful. But there are better and worse ways to
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  Speaker 2: get that message across. Our job as parents is to
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  Speaker 2: teach our children to get the message across well, and
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  Speaker 2: the best way we can do that is by getting
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  Speaker 2: the message across well ourselves.
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  Speaker 3: Great wonderful answer to the questions coming to the show,
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  Speaker 3: and I.
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  Speaker 1: Have had a few pains through that. I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: be okay, everybody. I'm going to be okay.
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  Speaker 4: I didn't want to highlight those points to you suites,
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  Speaker 4: but I'm glad you picked them up. That's good, Doctor
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  Speaker 4: Justin Colson, thank you so much for your time.
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  Speaker 2: I'm getting out of you. Thanks us.
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  Speaker 1: For more details, you can go to Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot au, or if you're interested in having doctor
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  Speaker 1: Justin Coulson come and speak at your school or your
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  Speaker 1: corporate event, find out more at Justincolson dot com.